*Tears* This chapter is just TOO full of feels!! First I was sad over Tonks' letter about her dad going into hiding, then I was all excited and emotional over Teddy being born. And I was also upset at Remus for not wanting Teddy's middle name to be "John". And then with the battle, I was all sad again... it's like an ice-cream sandwich of feels!!
I mean that in a GOOD way, though! The fact that it was able to make me get those feels just shows how talented of a writer you are; you really help your readers to get in the story.
I think the description was great, the flow and pace were great... everything was great! Even the death scene that really made me want to by Molly Weasley in DH... :P 10/10 dear! Report Review
Hello shaza :)
This is such a sad story! At least it's a really sad start to a story. You've written Remus very well; you've shown his fears, his weakness, his insecurities - and despite his rather unheroic act of abandoning Tonks, you've still portrayed him with compassion and empathy. And Tonks! Gah, I have all the feels for her :( Being abandoned especially when she's pregnant like that.
I'm not a big reader of Remus/Tonks (or most canon ships for that matter), but so far I think you're doing a great job writing these two. There's so much tenderness between them, the way Remus kneels beside her and rubs her tears away, but it's a difficult sort of affection; there's just so much emotional baggage between them, most of them belonging to Remus. You've done really well, writing such a conflicted character who cannot come to terms with himself and what he is.
Well, this is a wonderful (but very sad) start to your story. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that things will be a little more upbeat in future chapters :) At least before Remus and Tonks meet their ultimately tragic end in the war :( Gah, theirs is such a tragic tale...
prize review #1 Report Review
How sad;( stupid Remus! Just abandon her and their baby! Gosh, he makes me so angry! And it also makes me feel really sad! You did a good job evoking emotion, you're in the running for placing in that one, in my opinion! You've definitely approved a lot in your writing, that much is evident! The leaps and bounds you've made are amazing! Good job doll!
EverAuthor's Response: Hey, thanks for the review! :)
Yeah, he can be a pain when he wants to! I'm glad you thought I'd evoked emotion, as that was the challenge and I'm flattered you think I've improved! It really means a lot, so thank you! :) Report Review
Ron 4 Hermione,
I think this chapter wrapped up all of the loose ends so the story could be over. I liked your take on the final day of Tonks and Remus's lives. I could see this happening this way and even though I knew it was coming it was still heartbreaking to read about their final moments in life. I think the end was good.
MegAuthor's Response: Hey, thanks for the review!
I'm glad you liked the ending and thought it wrapped all the loose ends up, I wasn't too sure.
Thanks again for reviewing! :) Report Review
Sweet but I wish Remus was in it more... As in he didn't leave her and instead supported her. And more flash backs! I really like flashbacks :) good storyAuthor's Response: Hey, Thanks for reviewing!
Yeah, I wish he hadn't left but I was trying to keep it Canon to the books, glad you liked it though!
Thanks again for reviewing! :) Report Review
There's not really much CC I can give that I haven't already given in a previous chapter - it'd be mean of me to have a go at you over and over again about the same thing before you've had the chance to edit ;)
One thing I do have to say, however, is that in the first paragraph, there is a sentence where she is brushing her hair. It's great that you described it as mousy, but you mentioned that it was mousy twice in the same sentence. If you've already described to the reader it as one thing already, try describing it in a different way.
...it had been a few weeks since Remus had left and her hair was still her old mousey colour.
You could write differently, but meaning the same thing, such as:
...it had been a few weeks since Remus had left, and her hair still retained the same dull, bland colour.
That way, you're story doesn't sound too repetitive. :D
That's all in terms of crit. :P This chapter is really good, I like the way this whole story is parallel to the seventh book, and told from an unusual point of view. A lot of stories that I read that are based along the same timeline are told from the someone in the Order's POV, or someone from the Death Eater's side, like Draco. I know Tonks is in the Order, but this is about her, dealing with pregnancy and the departure of her husband. Tonks' pregnancy was something that I let just pass me by, I didn't think about her carrying a child during war time, or think about what she'd be like when Remus left, and how she'd deal with it (even though I thought he left after Teddy was born.) And reading this, I finally think more about the details that are shared with us in the actual books, but are ignored or forgotten.
One thing though, will Andromeda make an appearance at all? Since she is Tonks' mother, and right now it seems to be just Molly looking after her. :D :D
~ EmAuthor's Response: Hey, thanks again for reviewing! :)
I'm glad you liked the chapter and Andromeda will show up in a later chapter!
Thanks for the cc, and thanks again for reviewing! :)
Like it, hate it? - LIKE :')
Again, italics are useful not only for letters, but flashbacks too :) it saves on all the bold writing and stars, and can improve the flow and makes it easier for the reader to read. I usually use italics and just put one or two asterisks at the beginning and end, just so the reader knows there is some sort of transition, but it's not too 'in their face'. :)
At the beginning you wrote, Tonk's realised this..., but it should be 'Tonks' because the apostrophe gives the impression that something is belonging to someone called Tonk. ^.^
I love this chapter and the content is awesome, but to make the whole thing uber-epic, it just needs a few tweaks :D Including the description and grammar I commented on in the previous chapter, you just need to remember a few things such as the capital letter on Moony, since it's still considered a name, and also a little more punctuation. Try reading it through out loud and when you pause naturally add a comma - or a full stop, depending on the part of the sentence - some of it seems a little rushed:
'ďIt's nice isnít it and no I havenít, why you asking me?Ē Ok so my tone...'
^ This would be better as:
'"It's nice, isn't it? And no I haven't, why are you asking me?" OK, so my tone...'
It just makes it a little nicer to read :')
With a little editing, this could become a super amazing story, since you're not lacking in your ability to imagine and write, in fact you're very good at writing interesting stories!
P.S - Sorry about the weird italics, it's just where most of the apostrophes are - I don't know how to fix it!Author's Response: Hey, thanks for reveiwng and thanks for the CC, I'll go through and edit it! :)
I'm glad you liked it though! Report Review
This is a very short chapter, but I think it's best that way - especially since it's a 'sort-of' prologue.
I think it's brilliant, and well written, although a little bit more description to really make me feel the emotion and feelings, and a bit more of the surroundings.
There were a few grammar mistakes, but they were few - just little things such as full stops where there should be commas(not unlike those I mentioned in another review). Also here, What did it matter to her anyway-he had left. - It could perhaps have a question mark after 'anyway' and 'He had left.' as a new sentence, if not, it'd be easier to read if there were a space either side of the hyphon.
To make it clear to the reader that it is a letter, you could write it in italics, but other than that, it is a fantastic opening chapter!
~ EmAuthor's Response: Hey, thanks for the review and I'm glad you liked it! :)
Thanks for the cc, I'll bear it in mind when I get round to editing it.
Thanks again for revieiwng! :) Report Review
Ron 4 Hermione,
Hmmm... I'm curious as to what was in that letter. I'm glad they got a day out together but I can see where she could get annoyed with Remus for being cheap but it should be expected. The first glimpse we got of Remus in the books was his secondhand robes. Still I understand that Tonks is excited for the baby and wants the best for him. Anyway, I'm having torn thoughts on this chapter. Because I understand Tonks need to have everything perfect and new for her baby but I also don't feel as though she would treat him that way because she is trying to keep him from leaving her again and because she loves Remus and would never make him feel bad about his station in life. I feel as though she was making the statement that if he can't provide for his family now, what is he going to do when the baby actually arrives.
Just my thoughts...
I can't wait to read what was in that letter.
Megthechef43Author's Response: Hey, the next chapter is in the queue so should be up soon! :)
I'm going to go back through the chapter and edit it because thats not what I was trying to show but thanks for pointing that out!
Thanks for reviewing! :) Report Review
Hey! Morganna here with your requested review! As per your request, here's a general review!
Just as I have said, this is a very heartbreaking opening. Already there's emotion within the chapter as a family is torn apart by the cruel realities of their world. Because of that emotion it makes me, as a reader, want to read more of this. I like the way that you've ported Remus in this chapter. He resembles the canon so far. I can't wait to read on :D
Good job!Author's Response: Hey, glad you felt the emotion of the chapter and that it made you want to read on! :)
Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
Ron 4 Hermione,
This was a good chapter for the story but it seems so short. I think there were quite a few things in this chapter that could have been embellished on to make it have more meat to the story.
Where was Remus for all that time? Is he back for good? Or does he plan to leave again soon?
I'm glad Tonks got mad at him for leaving but I think she shouldn't have given in so easily. If he knows he can come back that quickly and with out too much of a fight then what is going to stop him the next time he feels the need to leave. I know pregnancy can make her soft but it will also make you mood and irritable (trust me I know). I think Tonks character in the book loves him but she is also strong willed and smart. This chapter did fit her character too much.
I like the chapter and I'm glad he was man enough to come back but I think there are some parts that need some work.
MegAuthor's Response: Hey, thanks for the advice I'll take it into consideration when I edit! :)
I'm glad you liked it though and I'll see if I can make Tonks more Tonks like.
Thanks for reviewing! :) Report Review
Ron 4 Hermione,
Aww... I was hoping he would be back by the time she finished her book. JK, I didn't really think he would just yet. I've never read much Lupin/Tonks but after reading a bit of your story I can see I've been missing out.
Now on to a few quick notes on grammar and stuff. I know I mentioned previously that a quick read over would greatly improve the reading quality of your work. (Don't worry, I have the same problem. I'm so excited when I finish a new chapter that I post it immediately. But in reality it would have been better if I would have taken a first more minutes to reread my work.) Anyway, moving on. I'll show you just a few examples.
"...a bit boring since I've only been took off doing field work." I go the point of what Tonks was trying to say but it would be easier to read if it said "...a bit bored since I've been taken off field work at the office." or something along those lines.
Or, "Wearily, Tonks climbed the stairs and without even getting changes she crawled under the covers and was out like a light." It was easy to see you meant "changed" instead of "changes".
I don't want to nit pick or annoy you but I think these things could really help your writing. This chapter was a bit short but held a lot of important info. I like that she finally contacted Remus.
I liked this chapter and I hope you re-request even though I was a little nit-picky this time around.
MegAuthor's Response: Hey, Yeah Tonks/Remus are great! :D
I'm glad you liked it and I'm going to request a beta on the forums as soon as my other beta request is taken up!
Thanks for reviewing! :) Report Review
Ron 4 Hermione,
I'm still enjoying your story. I like the flashbacks in this chapter. It showed Remus in a better light than the last chapter did. I could help but think he is a little selfish after the last chapter but this chapter showed that he really did care for Tonks. I'm glad you showed that part of him.
I think this chapter could be really good if you would take a few moments to read over the chapter. There are quite a few spelling issues and grammar mistakes. It really threw me off in a few parts of the chapter and I would have to reread the section a few times to understand what you were trying to get across to your readers. I think if you reread this chapter you would spot them very easy.
I really hope Remus comes back. I hope Tonks didn't get her hopes up for nothing.
I hope you re-request. I am really interested in where this is going.
MegAuthor's Response: Hey, I'm glad that showed Remus in a better light!
I'll go back through and check for any mistakes, thanks for that and thanks for revieiwng! :) Report Review
Ron 4 Hermione,
I'm here with your review. I really enjoyed reading your first chapter. It was full of emotion and heartbreak.
One of my favorite descriptive moments in this chapter was when you described Tonk and the pieces of her heart on the floor. My heart was breaking right along with hers. Tonks was well portrayed in this chapter. I could see her being strong and not showing emotion but I think you hit the nail on the head when she didn't care about showing her emotions after Remus left. I think Remus is her breaking point.
Remus on the other hand. I wanted to smack him around a little. I know he feels guilt for getting her pregnant but I hope he stands up to his responsiblities in the end. It's his fault too that she is pregnant and he should leave her to deal with it by herself. I definantly can see Remus acting this way. JKR showed us that he had the tendancy to run when things got a little tough for him.
All in all I think is was really good chapter. It was a little short but it opened up a whole range of possiblities as to were this story could go. I think it flowed well and the description was great. I really like the description in the first paragraph. It is really strong, in a good way. :)
I hope you re-request. I would love to continue reading your story.
Megthechef43 aka MegAuthor's Response: Hey, I'm glad you liked it! :)
Yeah, I want Remus to wake up and stay with Tonks!
Thanks for reviewing! :) Report Review
Hi! So, Remus and Tonks is my favorite ship ever, so I had to pick this one!
I thought this was really neat! I think you did a lovely job capturing Tonks' fire and Remus' self-deprecation and pushing away any feelings. They both seemed in character in the flashbacks as well as the 'present' time with just Tonks.
This is more of a personal opinion thing, but I don't really think you actually need to type out 'flashback' - it really disrupts the flow and it would work smoother if you just added a few transition sentences :) It's up to you, though, it's your story!
I noticed a few spelling mistakes here and there, and it was a little distracting, but definitely not unreadable. The biggest thing I noticed was you were spelling Tonks as Tonk's - I'm not sure about standards for other countries because I've seen it both ways, but if you want to put something as 'apostrophe s' and the last letter of the name is an S, all you would have to do is a) Tonks' or b) Tonks's - either way, I believe!
I really liked the content of the flashbacks. I think the first one gave a really neat insight to how Remus and Tonks first got together, and I like that you made the Firewhisky a factor. I think it fit with the ship in that it would take a lot more than just lust to get the pair actually together!
I think the second one - for Tonks - was really heartbreaking! It sort of sets up the kind of things she's gotten herself into with Remus, and I thought it was really lovely.
Keep up the great work! And thanks for the swap, I really enjoyed reading this!
-JulieAuthor's Response: Hey, there are great couple!
I'm glad you thought i did a good job with the characterisation, thanks! :)
I'll go through when i do my edit and fic the Tonks thing, the speling and the flashback thing, so thanks for pointing that out.
I know what you mean, I didn't see Remus as the type of guy to just give in when he is sober (sp?).
Thanks for reviewing and no problem! :D Report Review
I thought it was really clever how you put Molly and Tonks together so much in this chapter. It reminded me of that scene (goodness, what book is that?) where Tonks is at the Burrow with her mousy hair looking all disgruntled when Harry arrives. Anyway, I think that was very smart, because I always guessed that she may have confided in Molly quite a bit throughout her whole relationship with Remus.
I also think its interesting about her pregnancy as well. I always thought they would have to worry about the baby (werewolf wise) when it finally arrived, not about the complications that might come during the pregnancy itself. Now that I think about it, I can't imagine why I never considered it before. You captured her panic well. :)Author's Response: Hey! :)
That's where i got the idea from, i needed someone to help Tonks and then i remembered that scene and Molly fitted perfectly.
Im glad you thought i captured her panic well!
Thanks for a great review! :) Report Review
Alayn, again! I had to see where this story was going! First, just as a piece of advice, (goodness knows why you should listen to me) I think you don't need to label the flashback as a "flashback." If you put the sections in italics, or even if you didn't, your readers would know what you're doing anyway. The scenes are emotionally charged, and since we know that Remus left in the past chapter, we can tell pretty easily that its a flashback. Though I can see why you wanted to make sure your readers knew what was going on, I think it detracted from the flow and power of your writing.
That aside, let's move onto the good things, as there is a lot. I know little about romance in general, and even less about writing it. I don't read it often, but what I liked so much about the way you portrayed Remus' and Tonks' relationship is how accurately you portrayed emotion. The scenes weren't romantic in a cliche sort of way with a lot of kissing and swooning and yadayadayada.instead it was about exactly what it should be, the feelings and passions of the characters.
I'm impressed. I can't write romance, though I am going to give it a shot, but I think you handled this beautifully. On to chapter three!Author's Response: Hey again! :)
I'll change the flashback, I wasn't sure weather people would understand that or not so thanks for that! :)
I'm glad you liked it, i must have re-wrote this chapter about a dozen times before posting so I'm glad you liked it.
Thanks for the great review! :D Report Review
Hey there! Its Alayn from the forums with your promised review! This is SO sad. I've never read a Tonks/Remus fic before, not because I have anything against it, just because I never really wandered into one before. This was a great one to start with. When I think about DH this is one of the story lines that sticks out to me the most. I remember feeling really angry, like Harry did, that Remus truly and honestly considered leaving Tonks and (future Ted) behind.
The reason that part sticks out so much in my mind was because it is so emotional. I felt the same sort of emotions pulling at my heart while reading this. I loved the idea of him leaving her a letter. It was just so sad, and it made his leaving seem even more cowardly. However, your portrayal of Remus is also perfect, because, even though I was angry at him, I couldn't hate him by any means. I just felt bad for him, how twisted his own understanding of himself is. You really brought the tragedy of the situation to life, and I commend you for that!
On to chapter two! ;)Author's Response: Hey, thanks for reviewing! :)
I'm glad you felt some emotions while reading it and that i had potrayed Remus well! He's one of my favorite characters so thanks for that!
Thanks again for the great review! :D
Hi there I'm here with your pass the parcel review.
I thought this was very good, and I liked how you captured each of the character's feelings. Lupin's letter was very heart-breaking. But if I'm honest with you, I think you've got the bones of a story here, but I think you need to flesh it out a bit more, just because it's a bit short. You have a very solid and strong foundation here, you just need to build on it a bit more.
That's not to say what you have here is not great, it is great, don't get me wrong, but this is your story and you should take it and run with it, give it all you've got, put everything you have into it!
I liked how you got in Lupin's head at the start, it just felt a little bit rushed if I am honest. I think you should draw it out a little more. One minute he is contemplating leaving, then the next second Tonks is awake. Maybe have Lupin stand with his hand on the door handle, unable to open it, because he knows he has to leave, but deep down he doesn't want to or something, and that's the point at which Tonks wakes up. Maybe you could also tell us what Lupin is feeling while he sees Tonks reading the letter - what does he do? How does he feel? I also think you should capture the moment he actually physically leaves - how he feels at the moment as he walks out on the love of his life, if you get me. Then you can switch to Tonks and capture all the turmoil she is feeling as she watches him go. I just feel that this chapter has a few holes in it. One moment Tonks is reading the letter, then suddenly it is the next morning and she wakes up on the floor - what happens between then and that point?
Anyway, that's just some constructive criticism, and it's just my opinion and I might be completely wrong!!! But all that aside, I did like this and I really liked how you changed the point of view from Lupin to Tonks, and how you gave us a taste of what each were feeling.
Overall though, good job :)Author's Response: Hey, thanks for the review!
Ill definitely take your advice and go back and edit it, it is one of the shorter chapters.
I'm glad you liked it though, thanks again! :)
First of all, amazing banner :D
I love this beginning. I mean I've always wondered how they got back together after the incident between Harry and Remus, you know when he wanted to join the trio and Harry called him a coward? Yeah.
I love how you've started it. So many questions hang around our heads at the end of the chapter that we literally fly to the next one. Good job there :D
I'll comment on the overall grammar and all in detail once I get to the end of the chapters. Have to see if you've gotten rid of them before accusing you nuh ;)
But as I saw, there weren't many mistakes. So go you!
I'm going to read the rest of this but not sure when I can. Exams :(
Very VERY successful first chapter. Continue please :)
*Hugs*Author's Response: Hey, glad you liked it, I don't think this chapter was one of my stronger ones!
Don't worry about it, I've just finished a bunch so good luck! :)
Thanks for the review, it made me smile! :D Report Review
Em here again!
OK so for this one I noticed quite a few stuff that needs some attention.
Grammar/spelling: This is the biggest part. I noticed that there were more than a few sentences that needed to be polished up or simply re-worded. There were also quite a few words that were misspelled, used in the wrong context as well as missing. This can be easily fixed of course.
For the flashback, I suggest to have the words italicized rather than actually labeling it. I found it the hard way that most readers (especially the super analytical ones) find it distracting and interferes with the flow of the story.
Flow: I feel that the flow is a tad bit choppy. Maybe adding a few transitional sentences and a few more on the details maybe???
Characterization: I like the take that you have on these characters ^_^ Although I really couldn't imagine them being so...wild ^_^ But I like it! And I find it sweet that he's being cautious as it's meant to preserve the safety for them both.
Those are the only things that I'd like to touch on for now ^_^ I hope it wasn't too harsh. You have something good here and I'd like to see it developed well.
Happy Writing!Author's Response: Hey again!
Don't worry about sounding harsh- It helps to improve my writing :)
I'll have a look through the chapter and take a look at what I can change! I'll definitely use the italics idea because someone else got confused about that!
Thanks again for reviewing! Report Review
Emesias here with your requested review!
I'm sorry that it took me awhile to fill this request.
I think that you have a well- established base here for a good story.
Grammar/ spelling: I've only seen a few grammatical errors (about 2 or 3). Nothing too big to cause much concern.
Plot: I think you did a really good job with this. The imagery was good but there is still room for improvement. I shall comment on the development and pacing within the next few chapters.
Characterization: You seemed to have captured Remus well. I've always seen him as the type to put others before him and that's what you've presented him to be in this chapter. I really feel bad because of his need to move away from his family for their safety. I shall comment more of their development in the next few chapters ^_^
Emotion: I feel their pain T_T The letter that you included within the chapter was a really good touch! So sad! Good job!
I hope this helped!
Happy Writing!Author's Response: Hey, it's ok! :)
I'll go back through and check for grammar/spelling errors and see what i can do to improve it!
Thanks for reviewing :) Report Review
Hey there! Ac here reviewing all the entries to my challenge. Sorry it's taken a bit of time - been more busy than I thought I would be in the holidays. Really quite unexpected, how much there is to do with total freedom.
Anyway, this really fit in quite well with the prompt and I loved reading it because it was really interesting. Bit of a character study and brought all the feels surrounding the Lupins to the front of mind - because its true, Remus has always thought he wasn't good enough. I would have liked to know more about Remus's internal thoughts about things, but this is only the first chapter of a longer story so I guess maybe there's more later on.
This was a pretty smooth little place that I had a lot of fun reading! Thanks for entering and, as this is the last entry I'm reviewing, I'm about to post the results in a couple of minutes!
-ACAuthor's Response: Hey, no problem, I know how busy real life can get! :)
Glad you enjoyed reading it and I know it's too late now for the challenge but when I come back to edit it (I'm almost finished it) I'll try to add in some more thoughts!
Thanks again! :) Report Review
So this was an interesting first chapter for the challenge and I kind of like it. It's short but straight to the point. I especially love the last paragraph. However I wished we could have venture more into the emotions and feelings of Remus, as the thought must be eating away at him. And he must be feeling a large amount of guilt. But overall this was a good first chapter :)
Thanks for entering the challenge!Author's Response: Hey, thank you :)
No problem-it was a good challenge! Report Review
So i definitely like where this is going because its really cool to see what Tonks is feeling. Its also cool how you're developing Tonks as a character because in the books we do see Tonks and her quirks but its not like we see Harry have a heart to heart talk with her. So overall its great that we see her side and what shes feeling now that the love of her life has left her.
Now I did notice some quirks in your writing that should be looked at. I thought the structure of the present time and flashbacks were good but the transiting was a little scatterd. Like in the first flashback I understood the fact that Tonks woke up disoriented with Remus but then sirius is in the picture. Once I read it over again, I realized that sirius was on the other side of the door. Maybe you should have described that. Then in the second flashback where Tonks is trying to get remus to go outside, sirius is all of sudden dead. And I was like whoa when did this happen? I was confused. But i think this could be fixed if maybe you wrote in itatics whats going on like "months after Sirius's death... After such and such happened" i don't just a thought.
And i also notice that you vary sometimes from future and past tense. For example Tonks thoughts was in regular (current time) speech and then she said "id apologize later. "Its insinuating that shes telling the story of what happened even with current thoughts.
But whateves. I just think if you did this, it would be smoother. Other than that i really like how this is going and i want to see what you have planned next.
I really want Remus to come back! Don't leave Tonks alone!! *le creys*
Ooohhh quick question, is the part where Remus is leaving(which happened on the first chapter), is the part where he appears at Sirius house when Harry, Hermione and Ron are hiding after the wedding or...?Author's Response: I'm glad you like it :)
-I'll go back through and see what I can do to make the transition from present to flashback smoother.
-I'll also go back and fix the tense changes when they shouldn't be.
In answer to your question- yea, it's around about that time :)
Thanks again :D Report Review
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