3 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Aether  Thestral feeding

23rd June 2012:
Hi! It's Aether from the forums.:) This is a beautiful story. I hadn't really thought of Luna and Draco in one scene before, and I think you did a great job of portraying this original ship!

I felt that there were areas where you could have gone into more depth or described things more. At times I was unsure of context or I had a lot of questions that went unanswered.

Since this is a short one-shot, I thought I'd just go through it in a lot of detail, from the beginning to the end.

>>> "He was drawn to her and he got her."

I stumbled over this sentence. What does "he got her" mean? Does he understand her? Why does he understand her? Why does Draco Malfoy feel such a connection with Luna Lovegood? How old are they in this scene? "Got" isn't the best verb choice here, but I might accept it more as just a word that Draco would use if it were qualified by some other sentence. "Got" can mean a lot of things, while other verbs sound better and are more descriptive. Eg. "understood" and "had" are both two different possible interpretations of "got" in that context. Being descriptive and saying "understood" (or something similar) saves the reader that awkward stumble.

>"He knew he shouldn’t be there, he knew that any one else in existence would find it dam right creepy, but he also knew that she wouldn’t."

As a reader, I really liked this sentence. I was sort of thinking it, and then Draco went ahead and sheepishly admitted to it. Excellent! I also felt that it shows how Draco does understand Luna Lovegood.

>>However, afterwards, I was confused about exactly what happened when Luna replied to Draco's thought. Can Luna read Draco's thoughts? How? Did Draco know that Luna knew he was there? How does Draco know that Luna can read his thoughts (since he's not startled by it at all)? How well do these two know each other already? Have they had past encounters?

I had a lot of questions throughout this one-shot, and I guess what I wish is that it was longer. I want more! :)

How did Draco witness his father's death in Azkaban (I believe you spelled it wrong in this one-shot)? Was he visiting at the time? What did Draco's father say in that letter?

I feel that you've done a great job of establishing a very original and intriguing pairing, but I wish I could have learned more about it. I felt that you could have added much more description. Go back through and think about every line in context of your character. Even the statements of the mysterious Luna Lovegood should make sense to the author. :)

>"He didn’t know why he was still there. He didn’t know why he wanted to talk about this now when he hadn’t for over a year."

Really great sentence. It captured Draco's mood. He feels upset, and he's clearly mourning. But at the same time he's not in full control of his actions.

Overall, I think this one-shot is a very creative. I felt confused at times about what was happening, but I feel that's something that can be fixed (I've always had trouble with it too - my last novel fanfic completely confused my readers). There were a few grammar mishaps, but they weren't too obvious and you might be able to catch a few re-reading it (or get a beta). Great job!

Aether

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Review #2, by dirtydeedsdonedirtcheap  Thestral feeding

19th June 2012:
Hello! Dirtydeedsdonedirtcheap here with your requested review. So you just wanted a general feedback for your review. I have to say I'm already interested in the story because Draco and Luna is something I have never read before. This will prove interesting...

Let's get started!

He watched her. He didn't know why he did. But Draco was perched on top of a branch, in Hogwarts grounds; the best bit was he had a perfect view.

^ I like this opening a lot. It kind of makes Draco seem a little creepy but then the way you tie it into the next part where he thinks she wouldn't think so and that it's okay to be kind of 'stalking' her from a tree. That's really a different way to portray Draco and I really like it.

"most people would proberbly find that quiet disturbing."

The 'm' in most needs to be capitalized (M). 'proberbly' should be 'probably.'

Draco jumped down of the branch

'of' should be 'from.'

they really are quiet friendly you know, once you get to know them.

The 't' in they should be capitalized (T).

My mother was experimenting with a potion and it went badly wrong

'Badly wrong' makes no sense. Use one or the other not both together.

but he didn't know it was her mother and know they where at the subject.

The second 'know' should be 'now.'

Askerban

^ Should be: Azkaban

"I'm sorry Draco" whispered Luna she wiped her hand and placed it his shoulder.

You're missing a comma. Should be: "I'm sorry Draco," whispered Luna {as} she wiped her hand and placed it {on} his.

He knew why he was compelled to staying

Staying should be 'stay.'

Okay so I'm at the end and I pointed out some things you need to work on. I would recommend trying to find a quick beta to help fix up the little mistakes but really they are simple and with a quick read through you're going to be able to fix them up yourself!

I think my other critique would be description. It's lacking. I think you really nailed the character that is Luna, the dreamy quality of her is there and the sincerity.

I think you should work on your description. Close your eyes and try to envision the threstal and describe it some more, describe where they are standing and how Draco is feeling when she starts to open his letter. Dig deeper, go beyond the surface. Also, give us some more backstory because we don't know this Draco that is interested in Luna, why? What was their relationship before this event? What made it change?

Thanks so much for requesting. If you have any questions/concerns feel free to PM me.

- Deeds

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Review #3, by Mystique  Thestral feeding

19th June 2012:
Hi,

Its Mystique with your promised review. I'm so sorry that I was so late at getting to it.

I've never read any Draco/Luna stories but I really enjoyed this story. It wasn't a classic love story instead it was more of a friendship and I really liked that.

I tjink that you characterised Luna really well - which is always a hard thing to do. You've really captured her quirkiness.

I found one spelling mistake here "who’ve seen death can.” Luan paused" you spelt Luna as Luan.


I hope this helped. Sorry again for its lateness.
Mystique

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