Wow, this was even better than the other story. For a start, I love the characters you've mentioned, Dorcas and Marlene, the forgotten members of the Order. Good choice there. Second, your imagery is wonderful. I loved how you described the fall that would come, the lack of gravity and the way Dorcas viewed and thought about it. In those few words, you managed to bring us really close to the character, that's awesome.
The flow was a bit choppy, nothing a thorough proofread wouldn't fix. I'm not complaining, I have major issues with my flow, just thought I'd suggest it.
The vague, ambiguous ending was very good, it left me wondering and I like interpreting things to myself. So yeah, another great one-shot. Very nice. :)Author's Response: Everyone saws the flow is choppy, but whenever I re-read it I don't know what to re-write, it's a circle of things, you know?
Anyway, I'm glad you liked the imagery and the characters. :) Thanks for the great review. Report Review
Hey there Arielle! I'm here judging the challenge entries. I didn't take as long as last time, so I'm taking that as a definite bonus.
So, I really liked this one shot. It's difficult to say liked given the subject matter, but really I was expecting something like this for your belief.
I liked the fact that she didn't actually confide in Remus and start spilling out her secrets, but that she just got interrupted and someone almost seemed to care - if you see what I mean. I think it would be really nice if perhaps you indicated whether she was actually going to talk to Remus or not because, in my mind, I think it would be nice if she didn't actually stop him, but the belief that things could get better sort of stemmed from the fact that at least someone actually cared?
Anyway, this was a really interesting one shot and I liked the way you explored the belief and I'm glad that you wrote this in response to my challenge! Hopefully I'll be posting the results and stuff soon :)
(this is the first entry I've read, ahha)
-ACAuthor's Response: Whoop! I'm first!
Knowing that someone cares is a powerful thing, and not just caring in the way that they're your family and have to, but actually caring. Honestly, in my mind the story ends with Remus just sort of gently nudging his way into her life and then they become sort of a Sherlock and John and she cares so much for him that she's willing to live for him.
And then of course Lord Voldemort kills her. So, no happy ending.
So basically, I'm glad you liked and thanks for the great review! Report Review
Hello! Here with your requested review!
This was a really different one shot, and I don't mean that as a bad thing at all. It's the kind of one shot I have to read two or three times because it really makes me think about something in a different light, in this care being suicide and death. The scary part of this was that I could relate to Dorcas in certain ways. Life does seem boring at times, and especially with lines like this: Dorcas wanted everything to be perfect. She planned everything down to the last nub, and everything normally went her way. Except now, Dorcas was eerily relatable. And I really liked the bit at the end when Remus saved her, especially with that last line. It was the perfect end to the story.
As far as your imagery goes, I would say that you don't have as much imagery in this as figurative langauge and metaphors, which absolutely isn't a bad thing. It was more abstract this way, which made sense with Dorcas's somewhat twisted view on life. You had a great metaphor going on with flying and falling, and I also loved the repition of "time and space". I don't think you need to add more imagery, because the simplicity and metaphors together worked really well.
My only critique for you on this piece is with the flow. There's just an odd choppiness to it that I can't really put my finger on. Well, you do have some missing commas here and there (ie-In fact at seventeen she felt as if she should have died already-there should be a comma after in fact) which can make your sentences feel blocky, so that might be part of it. Commas can be confusing (trust me, I didn't get them at all until my English teacher literally spent a month teaching us every little rule about them a few years back) so a beta might help with that :) And I think it's also a bit of your sentence structure. You tend to start a lot of your sentences with nouns, specifically "she" and the lengths don't vary much. That makes it seem somewhat like an outline...no, no, that's much too harsh. I don't really know what to say, because the flow isn't terrible, but it does read a bit more like a list of sentences then you'd want it to. Just play around with the sentences a bit. Try combining some sentences so you get a few longer sentences to balance your short ones and try moving around phases and adjectives so less of your sentences start with a noun. Sorry, did that make sense at all? Once again, your flow isn't bad, I just think it could be improved :)
But despite the flow, I really enjoyed reading this. You did an excellent job writing Dorcas and her point of view, and it came through really well. Lovely work!
-NaidaAuthor's Response: Hi! Hello!
I knew there was something wrong with the flow and I bet the commas, like you pointed out have something to do with it. I just never really go the hang of them you know? And they really can make or break a sentence.
Anyway, thank you for such a great review and I'm glad you liked the one-shot. Actually, you aren't the first one to say that Dorcas was oddly relatable. Dorcas, in some ways, is probably the most real out of all my characters. But hopefully we'll all get our happy endings, whether it's a person who appreciates us or a puppy.
For me, it's Captain America. ;)
Anyway, again, I'm glad you liked it and thank you so much for such a great review. :) Report Review
Oh my goodness. Another piece of yours that just melts my heart. This was wonderful. I'm so glad you requested!
You write such original pieces! They are absolutely fantastic! And moving, and so emotional!
Gah. Okay. I need to stop ranting and tell you something that you can actually benefit from. :P
But what? I don't have much criticism at all! Geez, I'm just in love with this piece right now!
What a unique pairing, and as much as I love Remus with Tonks, you were able to absolutely melt my heart with Remus and Dorcas. Such an interesting story. And I know this isn't much of a romance for them, but there at the end I can just feel it brewing.
You wrote Dorcas' dilemma so brilliantly. It was moving, and I was constantly wondering 'is she going to do it?! Is she going to do it?!'
You had some awesome descriptions, and I love how you compared everything to flying and falling, and then there at the end with the anchor comment was just the perfect way to end it. Absolutely perfect.
Great job! It all went so smoothly together, from thought to thought as she was standing on the railing. I don't know what else to say. Once again, I could rant on and on about what I loved in your piece just like Her Wonderland. :P
So, anyways! I'll just say that I loved it and you nailed it! I'm so glad you requested, dear! :)Author's Response: Oh, I'm so glad you liked it! I really get nervous about this piece because I'm sure someday someone will tell me it's completely fake sounding and I should quit writing entirely.
The good thing about Remus/Dorcas is that it could be canon because Dorcas dies! Wow, I've never been that excited over a death of my own character.
Anyway, thank you again for the amazing review and I really am glad you liked it. :) Report Review
Please tell me you've entered a lot of challenges! You're amazing. Really. So talented and creative. As always no mistakes :D Stunning banner by the way.
I love the way it starts and I love the ending more. :D You post more links in my thread this is an order!
Hehe Ariel you HAVE to submit this to some competition. Will you?Author's Response: Actually this was entered in a competation! Ac_Rules's I'm a Believer challenge, I entered under the prompt of 'Life has nothing in store for me' or something like that. :)
I'm really glad you liked this story, it was pretty interesting to write. :)
Thanks for the amazing reviews. :) Report Review
Cynic. That was the first word that came to my mind upon reading this. Cynic, and bitter, and pessimistic and... interesting. I found this odd and great and verging on scary. The way she wanted everyone to see her... it was very... worrying.
But the flow of the story was great. Like an internal spiral into hell... I know how that feels (I've been trhough some rough times) and I think you've pictured it well. It's not something you can properly explain to a person, but through a story, you make it possible. All my respect!
We all know the subject is a very sensible one. But I think you've managed to depict it in an interesting way. Great job, it isn't an easy thing to do, I'm not quite sure I could do it, personnaly :)
-JuneAuthor's Response: Hey June! Sorry for taking so long to reply to this. Thanks for the review swap, and I'm glad you liked the story and thought I was able to depict it without it sounding fake or over-written. :) Report Review
"Staying alive. It's so.. boring. Just STAYING. ALIVE."
"Falling is like flying, only with a permanent destination."
I like how you embody the spirit of Sherlock into a girl, Dorcas, to be exact. Is Remus.. Tom Hiddleston on the banner? :) Anyway, good story. :DAuthor's Response: That is not Tom Hiddleston, however I do have Loki feels from seeing Avengers. But yes that is Remus on the banner, cute right?
Dorcas was epic to write, she's not entirely like Sherlock though, because she keeps her intelligence hidden, Sherlock has too big of an ego. :) I really think Dorcas hits number three on top favorite female characters to write, however I don't think I'll ever write her again. :) Report Review
I just realized I've never reviewed any of your lovely-great-beautiful stories and no, this is not me panicking about my short memory.
So, this is the one-shot you told me about, right? Well, I'm in love so please tell me when you write more Dorcas/Remus!
Now to real reviewing.
"Flight before fall."
*shudder* I loved all the metaphors Dorcas had in her mind. They were beautiful and perfect, which insisted in her perfectionism even more, and how fast she could think. How much she had thought. How she had over-thought.
I see her as a Ravenclaw for some reason. It was impacting how society really affected her (and she let it) all the while she knew she wasn't like them and actually thought of herself as better, because she was 'wiser'. And still, she wanted the end.
But she saw the world in such a pessimistic way of incomprehension that the end was her bliss. *shudder*
It is sinister, in lack of a prettier word, how your imagery and descriptions are so endearing and just pure beauty, but are all just encouraging her more to reach her 'bliss'. The few lines describing the stars and the wind were enough to send chills down my spine as I rapidly came to know Dorcas' thoughts.
She is searching for perfection in the most perfect place and time: Hogwarts at midnight; and in the most imperfect place and time: Britain shortly before the First Wizarding War. There are so much contrasts in this one-shot that make you think about society, humans, and the importance to be true, because fake walls just send you falling with the impression of flying.
And then suddenly, in this paradox of intelligence, life and death, comes in hope from imperfect beings: Remus and Peter. I was left truly impressed how fast you gave Remus life and reality, and how his presence seemed like the savior of it all. The one who feared the moon saving the night from tragedy.
And with your imagery as if I was there, and your characters so alive and complex, and just everything contrasting and paradoxical, comes with a simple line relief and hope. And life. It was just the need of someone acknowledging her existence and suffering and caring for it that saved her.
"Perhaps she had an anchor after all."
I feel like I'm not the only one who could relate to this, and it is astonishing. I'm probably not helping you at all with this review, telling you how chilling and great it all was, but what else to say?
I noticed one single typo: 11th paragraph, "way" should probably be "why". I didn't notice any other mistakes, and the flow was just lovely and perfect for angst.
I'm so sad I couldn't nominate this for this years' diadems as it was really thought-provoking, --mostly to those like me who like perfectionism. Well at least I can tell this was perfect. Which is why my review isn't. Pure rambling and awe here.
Oh well, hopefully you'll know how awesome this is, --even the end where we can see her slightly harsh to the one who save her xD--, and you'll read through this to know that you should definitely keep writing like this, little metaphors, beautiful imagery and great characters all together in paradoxical writing!
Oh, and thanks for writing this! I really enjoyed it!
~ ValAuthor's Response: The first time I read this review I said to myself, how am I going to answer such an awesome review? This is one of my top five reviews ever received. I mean it rocks my socks!
I actually considered making her a Ravenclaw, but her arrogance I think, makes her more a Slytherien and so does her ambition (not that us 'Claws aren't ambitious, but I just thought it would work).
I've read this review about twenty times, mostly when I feel upset about exams, but every time I read this review it just makes me feel better.
Thank you for leaving such an awesome review. :) Report Review
"staying alive is so boring." that is such a simple sentence that defined the entire story! I really think you gave us a perfect glimpse into Dorcas, and Remus did exactly what Remus would do... want to help.
Your imagery and word choice is wonderful, it created a very vivid picture. I love during this entire thing she is thinking about the impact it will make, it's fits so well with what seems to be a self centered character.
I really want more! I want you to expand on it! Maybe a short story?? ;)
Loved it!Author's Response: Sorry, but I don't think so. It's not because I don't like Dorcas or Remus, but it's because I don't think I could continue sustain the element of suspense and the emotional feelings. However, I am very happy that you liked it! :) Thanks for the great review. :) Report Review
This was just so thought-provoking! You defined Dorcas' character in just a few words, how she was a perfectionist and why she didn't want to turn seventeen. Her thoughts were explained perfectly, too. I also adored the description and the emotion.
And the ending was just so cute; Remus and Dorcas!
"Perhaps she had an anchor after all."
^This line feels like it's summing up the entire story, I loved it.
This was a wonderful one-shot. :)Author's Response: Aww, thank you so much for the review, I'm glad you liked Dorcas's character so much. :) This is was one of my favorite one-shots to write. :) Report Review
Staying alive was so boring.
^ Isn't it?
The bliss would be eternal.
Her bliss was over.
^ Good grief. Can somebody hug her? Reading this and then thinking about your Peter makes me realize just how much they have in common. How torn and crazy they are. So chilling, good grief. I still wonder how you came up with this. I can't get over it Arielle. Your writing has just been so thought provoking. You make me look at all these characters in ways i never would have.Author's Response: You can hug her, I've got other characters to write. :) Peter and Dorcas are kind of two sides of the same coin, except Dorcas is on the side of the angels while Peter is banished to reside in the darkness.
Anyway, I'm glad you liked it. :) Report Review
The last line was fantabulous!;D
I adored your take on a idle aged husband, who would cheat on her, and etc.
The imagery was amazing, as expected!
I've never read anything quite like this, so it was definitely a breath of fresh air!:D The emotions were written cleverly; subtle but strong.
You never fail to impress me!
EverAuthor's Response: Aw, thanks! It's a lot different then anything I've really written isn't it? Still the reviews I've gotten seem positive. :) Thanks for swapping. Report Review
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