Hi! I liked this story a lot because i can relate to it a lot and i like that you didn't have it be some corny cliche one shot.Author's Response: Thank you so much for this lovely review. I'm really glad that you liked and related to the characters. :) Report Review
Hey there! (:
This was a nice, cute and a bit of a fluffy one-shot. I liked reading it.
I thought Molly being a reluctant to ask Arthur out was really realistic and common for teens during those times. I didn't even think she would actually do it, but then I realised the title of the story. :P Arthur and Molly's awakwardness was well-written, too.
Good job with the story! :D
23rd review out of 100 Report Review
Hi there! First of all, I love your choice of pairing here. I think the Molly/Arthur relationship is such a wonderful one because in the books they are so obviously in love, but there is so much room to be creative with them. That said, on to your story...
I thought it was great! Nice choice of plot. There was a clear progression with an easily identifiable climax. It wasn't flat at all. I also really like your use of adjectives. You use a nice variety of descriptive words that keeps your story and descriptions interesting. So basically, well done!
I think what I would like to see more of is how the characters are feeling/reacting, etc. At the point where Arthur's ears turned read and he said "...No." I thought that was a perfect point for Molly to think he was rejecting her. Your choice of dialogue is really perfect there, but if I was in Molly's shoes, I probably would have had my heart sinking into my stomach if someone said "no" to me...at least until he came back with a qualification. ;)
Overall it was really sweet. And I love that you kept it 12+. The only improvement I'd suggest is showing more of their nervousness/anticipation/excitement/whatever. But I liked it just the same.
cypress Report Review
I love Arthur and Molly and I thought this story was just adorable!
I really like the idea of Molly dropping countless clues, but Arthur being completely oblivious to them. Sounds a lot like Ron, actually :P Yay Weasley family resemblance! :)
I don’t know how I feel about Molly cursing. She never struck me as the type to curse, unless she was really upset (which is why that line to Bellatrix at the end of DH was so fantastic…you never hear that kind of language from Molly!)
Molly’s belief that the man has to be the one to initiate the date was perfect. I definitely see her having very proper and traditional values, especially when it comes to things like gender roles. However, she is also a woman very much in control of her own destiny, so of course she would be the one to ask Arthur out…she would just need a bit of prodding at first.
I love the little bits of detail that you included (like Arthur’s ears turning red, and the sunlight on Molly’s hair) but I would like to see a bit more of it, like what was Arthur’s reaction to Molly asking to speak with him; was he nervous? Puzzled? Excited?
This was such a sweet, fluffy little scene and I just loved reading it.
Hope you had a wonderful holiday season! Report Review
Hi it's PWG from the review battle!
This was such a cute story! I loved your description of their surroundings as well as Molly and Arthur's appearance!
The way you made the conversation between Molly and Arthur so awkward was so realistic!
I love how you mentioned that Arthur's ears went red from embarrassment, a trait that he obviously passes on to Ron!
It was lovely to read this! It was so short and sweet. I wish that maybe you could of made it a little bit longer, it was so good! :)
~HT/PWG Report Review
Hi! I'm here for a holiday review swap :)
This was a really cute, fluffy little one-shot. I liked how Molly finally got up the courage to just go ask Arthur instead of waiting on him. I can definitely imagine Arthur being too shy to ask Molly out. I wish you had written more so that we could see how the date went and how their love progressed!
I was a little surprised to see Molly cursing so much, as well as to see her go from being really hesitant and wanting to stick to traditional gender roles to being willing to walk right up to Arthur and ask for the date. I think you could go back in and fill in more of the details as to why you made those characterization choices for her. I also think you could add more about Arthur--I feel like I don't know much about him after reading this, and I'd be very curious to see how you would portray him.
I noticed a few typos and mistakes scattered throughout this one-shot, but otherwise the flow was pretty good. Overall, I think this is quite nice.
Amanda :) Report Review
Hi Mystique! It's apondinabluebox from the forums repaying you for your review! :)
First off, I have to say that this one-shot is really cute and fluffy. It's a lovely little story, and I quite like Molly and Arthur's personalities. It is true that in the 1960s most girls thought boys had to ask them out, so it's nice that you've reflected this.
For improvement, I would recommend adding in more description. This one-shot has mostly dialogue, and we can't really visualize their surroundings. What do teenage Molly & Arthur look like? Who is Clara? I know she's Molly's friend, but you could mention how close they are (maybe they've been best friends since they were five? Did they meet on the train?) and since when did Molly start to fancy Arthur? Is it a recently-developed crush or a long-term one? How are they feeling? All those details will help create a scene in the reader's mind, so they can feel as if they're there with Molly, Clara and Arthur.
I would also recommend not writing your words like this: "Welll,". If you wanted to highlight the emphasis that the person speaking is placing, you could use a sentence such as ""Well," Clara said, drawing out the syllable for as long as she could, before glancing once more...".
Overall though, this is a lovely little one-shot and well done on the fluff! :D Report Review
Hi there! I've never read any of your stories before, but I couldn't resist a Molly/Arthur :)
Molly asking Arthur out was very sweet. Her nervousness and his blushing were very in character I think, and Molly's reluctance to ask a boy out rings true, for teenagers in the 1960s especially. I liked Molly pining for him with her friend too, that was cute.
If you want some concrit (and if you don't, feel free to ignore this paragraph), be careful of your punctuation. You have several places with extraneous commas or incorrectly used punctuation.
Very cute little story, good job! :)Author's Response: Thank you so much for this lovely review. I really appreciated when I'm given some concrit as I feel it definitely helps me improve so your constructive criticism was much appreciated.
Punctuation has never been my strong point but hopefully I'm getting better with using it correctly.
Well, I thought this was a really cute and sweet oneshot about Molly and Arthur getting together! I liked how nervous Molly was about approaching him and thought you did wonderfully with that part. The only thing I can really say is that I would have liked to see more description in this oneshot. With it basically just being conversations I didn't really get a good grasp on the scene. Just describing more around them and the people she sees would do wonders for this onestot, though it is fine on its own. I just think adding in more description would take it to the next level. The conversations though were great! I think you did wonderfully with the friendship and the way Molly was nervous and her friend sorta pushed her along into it as friends do sometimes. I really thought this was just a nice sweet read! Great Job!
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: Thanks so much for this lovely review. I've had several people say that I should add some more description and after reading through the story I can tell that some more description is definitely required. So thanks for your suggestion on description.
I wasn't to sure about Molly and Clara's friendship and whether it seemed realistic, so to read your lovely comments about it really reassured me.
Charlie Report Review
It was interesting. A little funny, and really sweet. Though I think you should have put in a little more emotional things, especially when it came time for Molly to ask Arthur. You're message comes through clear and I can tell what they're feeling, but I don't feel it myself. I hope that makes sense. Anyway, it is a really sweet read, and I'd love to see how the date actually goes! ^.^Author's Response: Thanks so much for this review. I just read through the story and its lacking in quite a few things including a little bit more emotion. So thanks so much for your suggestion. I do have plans to write a one-shot of their first date, so keep an eye out for it.
Charlie Report Review
So that was really really cute and really put a smile on my face. I completely agree that it's rubbish that the boy always has to ask first, and this was a nice acknowledgement of that. I don't think I've ever seen it in fanfiction, actually... at least, no occasions really stick out. So yeah, power to women and the like.
Also, out of the three pieces of yours that I've read I definitely think this came across as the smoothest and the easiest to read, so that as lovely to see too. Really enjoyed it and glad I read it :)
-ACAuthor's Response: Thank so much for this lovely review. I wasn't really thinking about writing about a girl asking a boy out, instead of what is usually the norm. I was just really trying to write a cute fluffy piece. But as I read through it again it seems to me that I wrote about that quite subconsciously I guess.
It was really nice to read that out of all my stories this was the smoothest and easiest pieces to read, as I was rather worried that it was a bit clunky and not very well written. So that cheered me up a lot.
Charlie Report Review
Cute story! ^.^ I wish it would've been longer but then it was good like this heheheAuthor's Response: Aww. Thanks so much. I'm so glad you liked it. I'm thinking about writing other one-shots about their relationship. So maybe I'll continue with this story and write about their first date.
Charlie Report Review
Hey there! Gosh, this was so cute! Very awkward, but so cute as well. It was really realistic as well - with the awkwardness and just the whole scenario with Molly asking Arthur out. You really captured what she would be feeling as she asked him out, how nervous she would be and everything. I also like how you included the beliefs of the time - that girls shouldn't ask guys out really - because this would have happened in the sixties and everything, so it would have been a pretty different time. So many people forget that, so kudos to you for remembering! ;)
I really liked your characterisation of Molly and Arthur. They both seemed pretty close to their older canon counterparts, you know, with Molly having grown up and being more secure than she was here. You managed to show the characters younger with similar traits and personalities, while still allowing them room to grow later on, which I liked.
I did think, though, that it was a little short - even for a one-shot. If you added in more description - showing us what happens, Clara's thoughts and Molly's reactions and things, describing the scene around them - it would be longer and just feel a bit more alive, you know? Grammar-wise, though, I couldn't see anything which threw me off the story, which was lovely :D
Seriously, I really enjoyed this. It was so cute and sweet - and I can definitely imagine it happening! Keep going! :D
Aph xxAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for your review. I'm so glad you think they are pretty similar to thier canon counterparts. Rereading the story, I see what you mean about adding more description.
Mystique Report Review
Aww, this was lovely awkward.
They were really cute, and the story has a lot I potential, with the plus that it is an often forgotten moment.
Now, I really wish this was longer. It was a nice read, but just imagine if we got to know more about the characters and their surroundings. I mean, it was a bit like "glancing over a cute scene during a day in the park", and you could make it into "being Molly and/or Arthur feeling awkward and shy while living at Hogwarts".
I really enjoyed the light mood of it, add in some descriptions and it will be great!
Keep writing!Author's Response: I'm glad you liked this story. Thanks for your suggestions.
Mystique Report Review
This story has a TON of potential... and for your first story, it's REALLY good! :)
Here are a few tips: :)
1. Add more description. Your pretty good at adding in like "The murky black lake" and stuff, but for example:
“Yes, you!” Clara replied.
“B-b-b-but the boy always asks the girl out!” Molly said, the sunlight coming through the leafy trees was glinting off her red hair turning it a deep auburn colour.
Insted of just saying "Said clara" add some description of Molly. What did she do? What did she look like? For example:
“Yes, you!” Clara replied. Molly's palms started to sweat. her heartbeat raced, as she gave Clara her most appaled look.
Just things like that can turn a good story, into a great one :)
2. Get a beta. This story was very good for grammar and spelling wise, but if you plan to keep writing, it's a good thing to look into. We have some great ones here on the forums! :)
3. Get a banner at TDA (If you go to the forums you can find a link) This will atract your story, if it's per say shown up in a search. The people at TDA are so nice, you'll fit right in! :)
Hope these tips help!
This is GrangerDanger76 for TEAM BLUE! :)Author's Response: Thanks so much for your review. I'm glad you liked it. I'll have to go back and add some more descriptions.
Mystique Report Review
Haha, they're so awkward. :)
Cute story. I like the way Molly and Arthur interact.
Are you planning on continuing this/doing a spinn-off?Author's Response: Thanks so much for your review. I'm glad you liked it. I do have plans for a one-shot about their first date and their first kiss.
Mystique Report Review
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