Reading Reviews for Gift of the Animagi
  
20 Reviews Found

Review #1, by twitchy_pigeons Part 4

18th December 2014:
"James [brought put] his hand on her chin, [bring] her eyes to meet his." - The first bracket is obvious, the second, probably change it to 'bringing.'

“I should probably go check and see if Elizabeth is [going] okay,” Lily said. “I'll see you guys tomorrow.” She got up and started (up) [towards to] girl's dormitory stairs." - The brackets are explanatory, the 'up' in () I suggest deleting so you don't have any redundancy.

“Now [what] aren't you going home, Miss 20 Questions?” – Again, in brackets.

“She came [done] the stairs, and James couldn't believe how good she looked.”

He looked at her like he could [do play] this game forever. Lily [signed]. – First is obvious, second is a typo.

Now, for my actual review. First off, I hope you're not offended at my editing. You said in your author's note in the first part that you wanted constructive criticism, and I guess I took it quite literally. The story is good, some parts are a little over-simplified (such as when James revealed being an animagus to Lily and she just accepted it outright), but overall, it is a good story. :) Feel free to check out my story - it's a bit longer, but Marauder era, so you may like it.

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Review #2, by twitchy_pigeons Part 3

18th December 2014:
I'm trying to give you enough of a sentence to work with so you know what I'm talking about ...

"...and [he's] help her with practical Defense spells" - Just a minor typo I'm assuming, should be he'd.

"she tried to [force make] the words come out of her mouth.." One of those things every writer does (myself included) where we forget to delete the word we didn't want when we change a sentence.

“Like I'd [let] my friend alone with that monster" - Leave? Or 'let my friend be alone...'?

“Just so you know, I know you [are] your little friends are hiding something" - I'm guessing that should be 'and'.

"the [think] that would make James the happiest" - Again, we all have that one finger that just doesn't listen... :)

LOVED the "gryffinwhore" - never heard Sirius described that way before - marvelous. ;)

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Review #3, by twitchy_pigeons Part 2

18th December 2014:
Constructive criticism. Since that is what you have asked for, here is mine. :)

This sentence: "James was so different from the incredibly charming man she'd seen [of him] earlier." is awkward to me. I suggest deleting the part I put in brackets.

"They tried only to use their nicknames when no one was around." I'd switch the 'only' and 'to' so it comes out more naturally.

I like the simplicity of your story so far, and I look forward to seeing what presents those two will come up with. :)
t_p

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Review #4, by Freda_and_Georgina Part 4

8th July 2014:
For the House Cup 2014 Review
Oo, I can't wait to find ou twhat the perfect pendant it, my guess is something deer related.
Of course Sirius would gloat about it without any evidence.
Woah, James was willing to tell her pretty quick. At least the rest of them seem alright with telling her about about the animagus part.
I like the 20 Questions reference. I wonder if it's common in the wizarding world.
Just as a note, there is a lot of extra spacing between some of the paragraphs, but I'm not sure whether it's intentional or not.
Sirius has a lot of guts doesn't he?
I'm fairly surprised that Lily was the one to know about the RoR, not James, with all the nights they've spent roaming the castle.
You accidentally typed signed instead of sighed in the 10th paragraph from the bottom.
I was right! It was a stag.
--Freda

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Review #5, by Freda_and_Georgina Part 3

8th July 2014:
For the House Cup 2014 Review
I appreciate that you keep Lily hesitant when she starts to realize that James isn't the pig-head she used to think he was. A surprising number of authors have her falling head over heels for him even right off, but it just doesn't fit.
Lily on SIrius is great. "saved again by Sirius' loud mouth" and "like i'd leave my friend with that monster", plus the puppy dog reference is priceless!
I like part in the candy shop with Lily's friend. "These are for my mom!" haha! And then Sirius is right there to help her out too, more or less.
You accidentally typed "think" instead of "thing" in the fourth to last paragraph.
--Freda

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Review #6, by Freda_and_Georgina Part 2

8th July 2014:
For the House Cup 2014 Review
James has morals? ;) I like how Lily doesn't like potions, despite her skill. I wonder if Slughorn's constant praise has anything to do with that?
Whoops, it looks like Sirius forgot to tell James about the chat he had with Lily.
"You scared her off!" heehee; it fits so well, and its so ironic since Sirius practically got James the date.
Oh Sirius. Of course he twists the conversation to make it look like Lily initiated the present-talk.
--Freda
P.S., do you know if the ratings are stored anywhere? I'm (we're) also an author, and I've often wondered because I haven't caught an inkling as to what any of mine might be. Probably not goo, because I bet most people don't bother with it.

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Review #7, by Freda_and_Georgina Part 1

8th July 2014:
For the House Cup 2014 Review
I love how Lily basically calls him insane, and I'm surprised Lupin's kept track of the rejections.
Haha, I really love how Sirius manipulates the situation, then Lily feels pressure to return the favor that isn't even official yet for someone she previously had no interest in.
I love how james assumes it was a bet or a dare. I know I would've been surprised too if Lily suddenly decides to show interest in me like that for seemingly no reason.
I didn't notice any confusing wordings, but I think some double spacing is missing after the fifth paragraph, that's all.
--Freda

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Review #8, by Clarice Part 3

17th June 2014:
"she tried to force make the words come out of her mouth" either force them out or make them come out can't be both.
"the think that would make James the happiest. She hugged Mary." The thing not the think.

So far so good as a story.

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Review #9, by Primrose_Annabeth_Weasley Part 4

30th June 2013:
Nice!! :) Ummm... Just a bit of constructive criticism I'm not sure if everyone old have revealed their egret to Lily so soon. Anyways other than that you filled my shipper heart- great writings!

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Review #10, by Primrose_Annabeth_Weasley Part 3

30th June 2013:
Love the gryffinwhore ;) FANTASTIC!! Plus you literally have nailed Sirius' character!!

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Review #11, by Primrose_Annabeth_Weasley Part 1

30th June 2013:
Liking it so far :) Nice and simple. Has good characterisation and draws on Lily's feeling that James is simply "messing with her" which I personally love to see in a Jily fic :D

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Review #12, by hp lover Part 4

4th August 2012:
A wonderful story, I really enjoyed it. Good writing to.

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Review #13, by happy_person Part 2

18th June 2012:
pretty nice story so far. Your grammar is impeccable lol i haven't got any criticism besides maybe making the chapters longer. but other than that, fabulous chapter :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your support! :) I'm glad you enjoyed the story so far. I'll pass your compliments on to my editor.

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Review #14, by Opalpixiechick Part 4

18th June 2012:
I love the way you ended this story. You did an amazing job on it and i really enjoyed reading it. :)

Author's Response: Thank you very much :)

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Review #15, by Opalpixiechick Part 3

13th June 2012:
I love your story. I can't wait to see what you have happen next. :)

Author's Response: Thanks! It's almost up all the way!

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Review #16, by Opalpixiechick Part 2

4th June 2012:
I love this story! U are writting an amazing story. Thanks for putting it on here for us all to enjoy.

Author's Response: Thanks so much for the encouragement!

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Review #17, by archer_of_the_wolves Part 2

4th June 2012:
Once again, interesting chapter! I particularly liked the bits about Sirius not having morals and girls loving shiny objects. There was one piece of dialogue that needed fixing, though. When Lily says this bit

"Well I'd appreciate the help," she replied to his offer.

"Maybe on Sunday?"

you don't need to separate the two lines. Since both dialogue tags are spoken by the same person, it can be in the same paragraph. It would also be nice if you could have a little more detail and content in each chapter, though I've noticed with many, many fanfics that that will come in time, once you get used to writing again :) Keep up the good work! There's really not much wrong with it at all but you asked for constructive criticism so I gave as much as I could! :P

Author's Response: See, I wrote the whole story out in one go, before I started posting, and decided where to split parts based on when it made sense to be able to stop. Unfortunately, this left some parts much shorter than others. Part 3 is much longer than the first two and is, as I write this response, in queue to be validated.

I really, really appreciate the eye on grammar. Thanks so much!


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Review #18, by archer_of_the_wolves Part 1

4th June 2012:
Hi there! This seems like it'll be a promising story. I really enjoyed this first chapter! I think the chapters could use creative titles though. Also, in one of the sentences you said "She was so lost in her own thoughts when she left the library to head towards the Great Hall, that she always didn't notice James Potter", but I'm guessing 'always' is supposed to be 'almost'. Other than that, this story seems pretty interesting and I can't wait to see what else you write!

Author's Response: Thanks! I did have someone grammar check for me, but we're all human. I'll make sure to change that. As for chapters, I'm terrible at coming up with titles, so I'll probably add more creative ones in as I think of them.

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Review #19, by Ethel·Lamris Part 1

3rd June 2012:
Hello,Amabit.
I'm Ethel, from China. a fan of Jamily.
I love "Gift of the Animagi" so much, so I want to share it with other Chinese fans.
It would be my honor to translate this lovely story into chinese.May I get your permission?
Thanks in advance
Best wishes to you .

Author's Response: Wow, that is really nice! I completely give my permission. I'd really like to see it when you're done, simply for the sake of my personal pride. Do you think you could PM me a link to where ever you post it?

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Review #20, by Opalpixiechick Part 1

31st May 2012:
I think you did an amazing job. :) I loved your story so far and i can't wait to read more of it if you do add more. :)

Author's Response: Thanks! The whole story is written out, so I just need to keep submitting chapters for validation.

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