Reading Reviews for Pining for You
59 Reviews Found

Review #1, by ChaosWednesday Awkward

20th July 2012:
hey its Whiskey back for one last review!

Ok, well that was a twist! The evils of drinking, oh my! Associating very much, again, hehe

One thing I noticed though, is that you seem to have a lot of filler moments. I realize that the characters need time to be introduced, but since the situations are generally the same (mostly bickering and messing around at the bar), it's a tad bit difficult to distinguish the characters from one another. Maybe you could try mixing in a few other settings, or have a few characters talk among themselves about their mutual friends... I've discovered that that tactic can be quite effective when dealing with a group of friends, all of which the reader still needs to get acquainted with. But that is just my personal opinion, so feel free to disagree :)

alright, that will be it for now, but you can always rerequest if you want to!

 Report Review

Review #2, by ChaosWednesday Apartment Hunting

19th July 2012:
hey Whiskey from the formus again, with your second review!

Well I think it's cute how the narrator is trying to be manly while kind of failing! :D Makes the story fun to read.

One thing I noticed though: if he thinks appartment-searching is for girls, then why is he excited? And he also goes into quite a detailed description of his own appartment, without really needing to. Seemed a little bit inconsistent. Either he would not admit that he was excited, or he would probably draw attention to how he was just pretending to hate appartments to seem cooler. After all, he has been quite self-aware and reflective so far with other things.

The flashback was quite fun, but sort of awkwardly placed. I would advise you to rephrase it into him just telling us a few highlights from that memory.

In general though, a nice read!

Author's Response: Hi thanks for reviewing.

Haha yeah he's not at all manly lol.

He doesn't like apartment searching but I suppose he was happy because it's something he could do with Fred, plus he also took it as an opportunity to help his cousin out. I mean who wants to crash with a female he barely knows? So the sooner they found a place the better it is in a way.

I kind of like the flashbacks to where it is but I don't know how it would work broken down but I'll keep that in mind and try to make some changes.

Thanks for reading and reviewing :D

 Report Review

Review #3, by ChaosWednesday Twenty-One

19th July 2012:
hey there, Whiskey from there formus here with your first review!

some minor things:
1) "since she was the spawn of ‘the brightest witch of her age,’ Hermione Jean Granger, deemed the brightest witch to ever have lived."
--- repetition of the fact that Hermione is the brightest witch.

2)"making a very loud and irritating nose"
---"noise" is the intended word, right? ;D

3) commas. before "please", "miss" and "sod", things like that.

But there are really minor things, nothing some rereading won't fix.

Ok, I like the characters quite a lot so far, and I like the tone, although it does get slightly confusing during the dialogue (who is saying what?)

But a disoriented 21-year-old surrounded by a bunch of overachievers, love that! I associate with this scenario a little too much, hehe :P

Off the the next chapter!

Author's Response: Hi thanks for reviewing :D

1) I'll be sure to remove that repetition.
2) Yeah it's suppose to be noise ha thanks for pointing that out :)
3) Thank you!

I can relate with that too as I'm pretty much in Louis' shoes ha.

Thanks again for reviewing!

 Report Review

Review #4, by Shortie Totally Twisters

16th July 2012:
AW ME LOVE IT JESSIE :D :D I love Fred, I live Louis I love... EVERYONE :D You're really good at this. I love the way you portray your characters and the way you bring up the humour and romance.

I love the story.

You're amazing :D


Author's Response: Thank you missy :D my biggest fan ;) haha

 Report Review

Review #5, by missclaire17 Totally Twisters

16th July 2012:
"I just think she should upgrade." YES, LOUIS UPGRADE TO YOU! xD

im still on team fallon and louis LOL
i suppose there wasn't TOO much of thady here, thats why but we'll see what happens, i suppose! xD

i love that part about fred and the collage he had of thady and how they were messing with freddie for having that once lolll
its so cuteee xD a big guy like fred is such a softie on the inside :D it warms my heart

Author's Response: I'm a Falouis shipper too ;) (for now) haha

Yeah Louis is blatantly jealous but his ego is far too big to admit that he is...after all he doesn't want to show any weaknesses.

That collage is making an appearance at some point so keep an eye out for that. And Fred is a gentle giant...bless him.

Thanks for reviewing :D

 Report Review

Review #6, by DracoFerret11 Awkward

8th July 2012:
Hello again! It's DarkRose. I'm sorry about the awful delay between my reviews. I'm on vacation, so I've been a tad slow with things...

Characterization: Well! We've got Louis, Thady, and Fallon in this chapter. They're all wonderful, of course. I adore how you write OCs. It's spectacular. So, Louis is still one of the most charming Next-Gen characters I've ever read. I love him. He's such a sweetheart. And I think Thady is terrific. Her sarcasm makes me so happy. :D She's awesome. I haven't gotten a feel for Fallon yet, but her entrance into this story is definitely quite funny. :D I think you've got another great character in the works.

Descriptions: Well, I can always see your scenes quite well. I love the moments when I feel like I'm in the story, and you intersperse them quite well. Good job!

Plot: What a chapter! I always love the banter between Louis and Thady. Their friendship is awesome. I think you've introduced a really interesting plot element with Fallon. I wonder where her relationship/friendship with Louis will go. What an awkward thing to happen to them! I figured it out before you revealed it and I was already cringing. :]

Interactions: All of your characters flow past each other so seamlessly. They interact, but don't lose their personalities. I like that a lot, if any of it makes sense.

You're doing wonderfully. Your style is great and you're doing a great job of telling this story. Keep up the spectacular work and feel free to rerequest when you write more!


Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing :)

I know there's not much of Fallon in this but I promise there'll be more in the future so readers can have more of an opinion on where this story will go.

I'm glad Louis is one of your favourite next generation to read about :) means a lot.

My Louis is just a little silly sometimes and doesn't take life too seriously.

The way Fallon was introduced was intentional ;) haha

Thank you for reviewing :) and not too worry you got here in the end is all that matters :D

 Report Review

Review #7, by apocalypse Apartment Hunting

8th July 2012:
Hey! This is apoclaypse, here with your second review!

Okay, well, I commented on the characters in the previous review so I'll just add my comments on Albus and Benny here. :) Well, I liked there personalities their story; it was fun to read. However, I don't think it was quite that necessary to mention. What I mean is, that you've started with the second chapter of your story and generally there are few plot details revealed at stages like these. I noticed that there wasn't much plot content in this chapter so I suppose you need to work on that. :)

When I was reading the chapter, I was wondering why Louis is taking so much time to tell us Al's and Benny's life story in that much detail. I think, for me, guys don't really go into that much detail while they're narrating. Your characterization follows that rule generally but when he's narrating the story there are some point where it seems like he's going into too much detail. Maybe you could cut it down on the stories he narrates and describe his surroundings more. :) I hope you know what I mean.

The flow went well in this chapter too. It was good, didn't get disrupted and didn't have any major mistakes. So I liked that! And as always, I really liked your dialogue. I have a lot problems with dialogue so I always appreciate it when I see good dialogue. Great job with that!

Hmm, I don't have anything else to say at the moment. I hope you like this review and that it helps you in any way it can. Feel free to re-request. :) Until next time, Good Luck and Happy Writing!


Author's Response: Hey thank again for reviewing :D

Haha sorry I'm writing from Louis POV but from a girl's head so this might explain why he seems to go into details about things he shouldn't/only a girl would go on about. In a way Louis is quite feminine haha I am also happy that you like my dialogue :D

Thanks for reviewing and I'll keep that in mind :D

 Report Review

Review #8, by apocalypse Twenty-One

8th July 2012:
Hey Lyris! This is apocalypse finally here with your review! Firstly, I'd just like to apologise for being SO late for this long overdue review. I'd been pretty busy with RL and then the House Cup started so there was a lot of activity in my life. I've been meaning to do this for so long but couldn't, so sorry about that! But I'm here now! :)

Anyway, let's start off with characterization. I actually like the way you've started off with your characters. For me, the main introduction of most (not all) characters is pretty important in the start as it gets easier for the reader to follow your story and focus on enjoying the plot line. So in general I like the start of the story a lot. I've never really read Louis' narration before but it was fun reading him here. I enjoyed his thought process and his dialogue. So great job with that!

I think that you've done a brief and good job of introducing the other characters too. The way Louis described each of them a few sentences was great way of getting their introduction out of the way :P Now your readers know enough about them to know who they are and what they represent so it'll be easier and less work for you to mention them in upcoming chapters. Good work there. :)

Moving on to Thady. I liked her. :) You've characterized her well and I enjoyed her banter with Fred. The dialogue between them was pretty well written.

I think your dialogue is going great at the moment. There weren't many errors I found in it so you should be happy with that! :) Very good work!

The flow of the story is not bad. You've done a good job with the descriptions and everything and have made it all seem so realistic it's hard to find anything to criticize in that case. :p I suppose I should say that that's good thing. :D Keep it up!

Overall, I enjoyed this chapter. It was light yet engaging and a certain level of interest that prevented me from getting bored. :0 Now, onto the next chapter! :)


Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing Cal :)

Yeah I didn't want to go into much details with what his cousins does cos I know I'll bored the readers to death describing every little thing.

I've never tired narrating from Louis POV before and I thought it would be fun especially since it's the first time I'm writing from a male perspective. I'm glad it's going well so far though haha

Thanks for reviewing :D

 Report Review

Review #9, by DracoFerret11 Apartment Hunting

5th July 2012:
Hello again! Sorry for the delay between reviews:

Characterization: Okay! We've got Fred, Louis, Albus, and Benny in this chapter. And they're all great! I think you have really solid characters and you aren't confused by them. None of them are Gary-Stus or Mary-Sues. It's awesome. Really great job. And them calling Albus, "Albie" hahaha. Great.

Descriptions: Well, I think you did a good job of showing the different scenes and I can imagine pretty well what all of the characters look like. I like that they're all so different in personality and that you're keeping them consistent.

Emotions: Loved the teasing between all the characters. Their friendships are all so fluid. I love it. :D This story has a really great tone to it.

Plot: Only one question--you say Fred's liked Thady since they were at Hogwarts, but in the last chapter, you said they were only just meeting. How can that be? Did he have a crush on a girl he didn't know? Other than that--you've got a great story. I like how you're moving the plot along. The pacing is awesome and I don't feel overwhelmed by it. Good job.

Interactions: I think the Albus/Benny flashback was really sweet. I liked that you explained their history without dragging it out. And their present relationship is cute too! I also love how silly Fred and Louis are.

Style: You're definitely using a great tone to tell this story. It's quite carefree.

I think this was a great chapter! You're doing really, really well!


Author's Response: Hi Emily :D thanks for reviewing.

Fred did like Thady since he was at Hogwarts but he didn't know Thady then as she was a Slytherin plus at the time she had a boyfriend so he never tried to make a move on her. So they never really spoke...then Fred went away for three years and Louis is forced to find a new best friend, which is where Thady comes in. It's like Fred didn't really know Fallon until they went to Dragon Academy together, if that make sense?

I'm glad you think Fred, Louis, Albus and Benny aren't Mary-Sue or Gary-Stus as that means alot since I'm trying to avoid that at all cost.

I'm also glad you like the pacing of this story and the flashback :D

Thank you for your awesome review!

 Report Review

Review #10, by Jchrissy Twenty-One

3rd July 2012:
Hi m'dear, I'm waiting for a meeting so stuck with my IPhone, so please forgive any random typos.

I live Louis! He's charming, over confident, and it's all done in a joking sense that makes him seem lovable. I like the beginning comparing the family members, and I like that you've made him 'normal' and not yet an over achiever. Its refreshing :)!

I think you did a great job giving us an idea of a day in Louis's life while still making it very interesting.

A few of your dialogue tags seen off, maybe check those?

You got a great set up of the family and gave us a ton of different ways to go with this! It makes the reader want to continue and find out more about Louis and ye Wotters :)!

Very good first chapter!!!

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing :)

Ha! Yeah Louis Wealsey isn't a very serious kind of boy in this story. He's more of a down to earth kind of person and would rather have fun and sulk and be miserable. He tends to dismissed everything with his sense of humour and he's not at all serious in any sense.

I think it's a little overused and cliche to have every next generation children be successful as I mean there must be a few out there who aren't great at everything and successful in everything they do. I thought Louis would be a perfect candidate for this :D

I'm really glad you like Louis.

Thanks for reviewing again :D

 Report Review

Review #11, by angel_speaks Awkward

30th June 2012:
This is very interesting!! It gets better and better with each coming chapter!

As of now, the interaction amongst the characters are going quite well which helps a lot with the plot development and fluidity of the story. i do like basing characters off of the original canon, however, if it betters the plot and makes it more understandable, then I just go with how the characters develop throughout the story (makes sense???) So far so good!!! minimal grammatical errors; very good!!! Keep up the excellent job!!!

Happy Writing!!! 10/10

Author's Response: Thanks for the review :D

 Report Review

Review #12, by Ravenclaw_Charm Twenty-One

27th June 2012:
Hi there! Ravenclaw_Charm here with your requested review :)

Your characterization is quite good :) Fred and Louis have that Wotter cockiness that I see a lot, which makes a lot of sense since they're Wotters, haha. This also makes Louis's narration enjoyable to read; he's VERY talkative though! Just as long as you don't go overboard with information and Louis's rambling, we'll be good ;) But Louis is entertaining and sassy, which I like. I really love Thady, though. "Bar-ner in crime" - haha, corny but cute! Dillion doesn't seem like his father's son, but there must be lots of reasons why he's bitter (other than a bad breakup). Oh, and I love how Seamus owns the bar! Hahaha a little Irish stereotyping, perhaps? ;)

Grammar really helps with flow, and I saw quite a few punctuation mistakes. Just skim through the chapter, and you should be able to find them. Also, you switch tenses a couple times. I'm not really familiar with writing in past tense, but I think you should give that a look. Oh, and I found three instances where flow was a problem:
1) "'not so bright' Uncle Ronald Weasley" should be "'not so bright’ uncle, Ronald Weasley." The comma kind of helps with the flow of the sentence, and it's more grammatically correct.
2) "If we weren't friends I would gladly date her, but we were so that was out of the question," was a bit of a confusing sentence. Perhaps say, "but we were friends so that was out of the question," to make the meaning clearer.
3) Where did the girl, Ariel, come from? I had to stop and reread to see if I missed something, but she kind of appeared out of nowhere, haha.

I really like how you started the story explaining how all the Wotters have figured out their place in life, but Louis is still lost. It's very relatable, and it's a good introduction. I'm also wondering what part Fred is going to have in this story.'s quite interesting and I can't wait to see what you do with it :)

I hope I wasn't too harsh! Good luck with this story! You're off to a great start :D

Author's Response: Hi :)

I know he's very talkative sorry. It's my first time writing from a guys POV and I'm still trying to get use to it but hopefully I can pull it off better soon as I get a better hang of it :) and yeah the boys definitely have that Wotterness to them, they just won't be Wotter's unless they have those cockiness :p I'm glad you like Louis as character! And yeah there will be more to Dillon than just the break-up :)

Sorry I tend to skip from past to present but I'll get that look through again at some point :) also I shall need to add to that, the bit where Ariel comes into the scene.

I can totally related to Louis as I doesn't know what I want to do in life either. I wanted to make it realistic as possible.

We shall find out what part Fred plays in the novel soon :)

No no you weren't too harsh. Your comments were helpful :D

 Report Review

Review #13, by StormThief17 Awkward

27th June 2012:
Hi, StormThief here with your review!

Flow: Its good! A lot less confusing than the other chapters. It moves pretty quickly, and keeps me interested. Mrs. Arlington was a funny addition :)

Characters: They're very funny! You had an interesting way of introducing Fallon, it really surprised me! I'd say just keep developing your characters and they'll be great!

Plot: I still can't see it yet, but I'm guessing Louis and Fallon end up together? Don't tell me though :)

Hope this helps!

Author's Response: Hi again!

I'm glad you like Mrs Arlington. She's a funny character :)

I'm happy you found the intro of Fallon interesting as I didn't want people to get bored of the usual oh I bumped into her at the train station or something like that...

Keep on reading and you'll find out ;)

Thanks for the help.

 Report Review

Review #14, by ScorpiusRose17 Awkward

26th June 2012:
Hi there!

I really like this chapter. All the banter between Louis and Thady was a lot of fun to read. I really like the pair of them. I also thought it was funny how Thady was laughing at Louis's predicament with Mrs. A. That was just something that felt so natural when I read this chapter.

Mrs. A and Louis...poor bloke. I felt so bad for him having to deal with the elder lady. It has to be uncomfortable yet so humorus at the same time. Mrs. A was something else.

I really liked Fallon and seeing her interact with the other characters. I thought that she was a great addition to the story.

I really love how you portray Louis and I cannot wait to find out what else is in store for all of these lovable characters! Keep up the awesome writing! =)


Author's Response: Hi again :D

Ha I think any girl in that situation would laugh at Louis' predicament. It's just too funny not to :p but poor Louis haha!

I thought it would be funny to add the older ladies into the mix so it isn't just screaming teenagers coming in to see him as that would be slightly cliche. I wanted to balance it out as he said he get girls coming in but also he has other fan girls who are older if you get what I mean. And I'm pretty sure Mrs H doesn't hate him, maybe he needs to just speak to her lol.

I'm glad you like Fallon as she was an anticipate character in the story, more importantly a main one. And the fact that I didn't introduced her straight off creates suspense and I hope I didn't disappoint anyone with the way her characterization has turned out to be.

Thank you so much :) I'll be sure to re-request and keep you updated!

 Report Review

Review #15, by StormThief17 Apartment Hunting

25th June 2012:
Hi, StormThief here again!

Characters are coming along fine I'd say! Though at the moment they all seem a little too similar. Benny and Thaddy are both fiesty, and the boys all joke with the girls in the same way. I'm not saying I don't like them, but I think you should make sure and distinguish them as the story progresses :)

The flow is still a bit confusing, mostly in places where I wasn't sure who said what.

No obvious plot yet, but this is a really amusing and quickmoving story!

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing again :) but I assure you all the characters have different personalties and things. I just need to progress it more :)

Ha sorry I'll try and fix that at some point :)

Thanks again!

 Report Review

Review #16, by StormThief17 Twenty-One

25th June 2012:
Hi, StormThief here with your review!

Characters: They seem pretty solid so far! I really liked your introduction of the cousins at the beginning--it was a great hook. I hope Dillon is not really gay because I'm afraid I'd have to stop reading if he is. Anyway I like the way you characters are coming along and they are all very interesting!

The flow of the story was a little confusing. You said :the girl giggled" which made me think what girl? You never had her walk in or anything. Same when he served the old man. Its just a bit awkward to have a character suddenly pop up. Also, I just found the way a character would say something and anotehr character would react in the same paragraph. For example: "“That’ll never happen. I’m far too pretty to be fired!” Her hard exterior broke into a grin" makes it sound at first like Theo is talking. Otherwise the flow is fine.

I can't tell much about the plot yet, but it seems like it has a good start! You've done a good job of setting up the surroundings and supporting characters.

Hope this was helpful! I'll do your next chapters soon :)

Author's Response: Thanks for the review :)

And just to clear this misunderstanding Dillon is not gay in any shape or form. It's just been mentioned in passing and not at all true.

I'm glad you found my characters interesting so far considering it is the first chapter. Thank you :)

And I know sorry about that. I haven't really done much description in this chapter so this is why it seems a little bit random when characters just pop out of nowhere. This is something I'm working on the next couple of chapters I am writing. But thanks for pointing those out anyway.

Yeah there's not that much to go on at the moment but I promise the plot develop as the chapter go on.

Thank you :)

 Report Review

Review #17, by DracoFerret11 Twenty-One

24th June 2012:
Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums here to review for you! :D So, let's go over things:

Grammar/Spelling: Well, I suppose we'll start here since you wanted me to check on this, but I honestly don't know why in this chapter. :] I didn't see any mistakes at all, and if they were there, they weren't distracting. Well done!

Characterization: Okay! We've got Louis, to begin with. I like him a lot! I actually am very fond of how you're characterizing him. I like that he doesn't really know his place yet. And I like that he's trying to find it. It's a good place to start with a character. He's quirky and funny and charming and just...I like him. :] Good job! Thady is quite the "charmer" too. I love that you can see her Slytherin traits. It's always cool to see characters' House traits after Hogwarts. :D And Fred. Oh, I can see his father in him! "Definitely a Weasley," indeed! I like him quite a bit. And I loved that Dillon was so annoying. He came off as a good contrast to laid-back Louis.

Descriptions: Well, I liked how you described Thady, but I didn't see too many other physical descriptions. What I always tell people I review for is this--if you want to bring readers into the story and really make it realistic for them, tell them how things look. But not just that! Tell them how things smell, sound, feel, etc. It will make everything much more realistic.

Emotions: Hmm...I don't know if I was really supposed to catch any emotions in this chapter. If so, I didn't. :o I don't know if Louis was supposed to come off as envious of his cousins or not...I just got that he was laid-back about everything...

Plot: So! I like the characters that you've created and I think the plot is interesting so far. I'm excited to see what will happen next. So far you're doing wonderfully!

Interactions: Loved the banter between Louis and Thady. And loved the interaction between Louis and the customers. Very realistic. I think it definitely added depth to the chapter.

Style: I love your style! There's something very...believable about it. I like that it adds to the story so much. It almost brings me INTO the story, the way you write. Well done!

So far, you're doing great! I'll read more soon!


Author's Response: Hey Emily.

Thank you for the lovely long review :D

Haha thanks you. Em is a pretty amazing beta'd :D credit all to her.

I'm glad you like my characterization of Louis I was a bit scared readers wouldn't like the way I have portrayed him in this as us writer know it's hard to please everyone. Yeah I had to give Thady her Slytherin traits or it just wouldn't be her. She's often very blunt about things but also has the emotional side to her as well which will be reveal later. And Fred is definitely a Weasley. Ha! Yeah Dillon is annoying but I still love him :p it's just the way he is. Bless him!

I know I didn't do so well with my descriptions so I shall improve on that and will try my best to use your pointers :) that's very helpful I often forget to describe my surroundings.

I don't really think there was any emotions to be pick up on in this chapter actually.

Thank you for liking the plot. This means a lot that people likes my ideas :) and I'm glad you found Louis intersections with the customers realistic. I too love the banter between Louis and Thady. If they were real I would like to become friends with them :p

Aw thank you

 Report Review

Review #18, by Analesh7 Awkward

24th June 2012:
Oh asdfghjkllkjhgg!

That's really awkward. Just a ball of awkwardness.

Mrs. Arlington, I love that lady. Who wouldn't like a lady who gave you homemade muffins? Keep her in the story :)
So this was a great way to introduce Fallon because this just lifted the plot even more and has probably made Louis's life more interesting and troublesome.

PLUS I think the relationship between Thady and Louis are going become more than just friends. It just has to be because I can see so much potential between them. AND now that Fallon is introduced and may become important in Louis's life, maybe that's when we'll see how Thady reacts and actually has feelings for him.


Author's Response: Awkward defiantly fits this chapter well if I do say so much awkwardness to have happened in such a short amount of time.

Yeah she's staying. I think she'll probably be making another appearance pretty soon, same goes with Mrs Hewitt and Romeo the cirate actually.

Eveyone seems to be rooting for Touis instead of Flouis. It's quite interesting really since there is so much interests on Louis and Thady but in all honesty I have other plans for Thady ;) she already has her pairing!! (unless people change my mind haha)

Fallon is a very important character in Louis life...well she's going to become one anyway. But like you said there is so much possibilities and so many ways I could go with it considering the interactions between my characters so far.

Thanks for reviewing again. Chapter 4 is waiting in the queue and chapter 5 has already been written plus I'm in the process of writing the next couple of chapters as well...

 Report Review

Review #19, by Analesh7 Apartment Hunting

24th June 2012:

Another well done chapter!

I just want to take Louis and put him in my pocket because he is so cute and funny.

One thing that I noticed was this " Freddie’s had been crashing with me" I think it should be "Freddie had crashed with me" or "Freddie has been crashing with me" just a little grammar Thingy.

Other than that, the chapter was going and I really want to see Fallon. I hope something happens between her and Loius ;)

Author's Response: Hey, thanks for stopping by and dropping me a review :)

Haha me too! He's too adorable!

Thanks for pointing that out I shall try and fix that later :D I'm not good with grammars and spellings and whatnot :p

Oh she makes an appearance in the next chapter and there's some stuff that happens here so keep on reading and you will find out :D

Thanks for reviewing again! It means a lot!

 Report Review

Review #20, by Analesh7 Twenty-One

23rd June 2012:
Hey LyrisLovegood

It's wickedana from HPFFF

First let me say that you had me laughing the whole way through. The parts where I wasn't laughing is when I was grinning like an idiot. You can truly tell that Louis is a Weasley by his wittiness and his nonchalance about work and authority.

Your characters are amazing and the story seems to be going somewhere because of this mysterious "Fallon" girl and the fact that Louis is a bartender, and a hot one by the looks of the chapter art.damn.

"YOLO" best part lol

Other than that this is pretty good and interesting for a chapter, I'm going to read the next asap :)

Author's Response: Thank you for the sweet review :D

I'm ecstatic to hear that my Louis made you laugh as that was what I was aiming for throughout the whole process of Pining for You. I wanted it to be a light-hearted story where the characters are carefree and doesn't take life too seriously. I mean you got to have some fun some time, right?

You will learn more about Fallon later on in the story. She'll be making her first appearance soon and it'll be a one to remember :P HA! I always thought it would be fun to write Louis as a bartender. Yeah he's pretty good looking so if the Horse's Bead were real I would be there...pining for him!

Haha yeah got to add that in somewhere.

Thanks for reviewing again :D

 Report Review

Review #21, by BoOkWoRm24 Awkward

23rd June 2012:
Hi again

This chapter definitely lived up to the other two. Louis' narration is really good (if you didn't get that from the last two reviews I left). He is constantly making me smile with his little comments.

His relationship with Thady is really interesting. I like that one minute he is mad at her, and then the next he loves her again. Their entire dynamic is great.

It was interesting meeting Fallon in this chapter and I can't wait to get to know her a little better. From what I've seen of her so far I like where you are going with her. It was good that you introduced her and made a solid move with your plot in this chapter. I was starting to wonder when you were going to introduce Louis' love interest, but you've done it now, so we're all good :).

I want to know more about Fred's relationship with Fallon. I mean I'm 99% sure that they aren't dating because he was asking about Thady in the last chapter, and he didn't seem all that upset about the whole incident with Louis, but still I wonder exacly how they know each other (if you said that allready I'm really sorry I must have slept over it).

Anyway this was a great chapter, and it left you hanging. Being left hanging is always a good thing.

Keep up the good work :)


Author's Response: Aw I'm glad you like Louis as a character. I'm happy you like what I've done with his characterization. I wasn't too sure if I was going to pull it off to be honest especially writing in a guys point of view.

Thank you. I wanted to create a fun relationship between Louis and Thady without it being too serious as I wanted to portrayed two best friends that can get along and doesn't take life too seriously.

Ha! Sorry I hold her appearance off for quite sometime because I wanted to create suspense, making people want to know who 'Fallon' is. I'm glad you like her so far though cos that means a lot as many readers are shipping for Touis which is understandable since Fallon hasn't been in to have banter with Louis and so on. But I want to try and change their views and hopefully get them to ship for Falouis :D

I have other pairing in mind for Thady!

No they are not dating. They are best friend not through Hogwarts but through their three years training at Dragon Academy. That's how they became close, over the past three years. No Fred isn't upset because he only see's Fallon as his best friend and nothing more. You will see more of their relationship in the next chapter which has been place in the queue waiting for validation.

I'm glad it left you hanging :)

Thank you very much!

 Report Review

Review #22, by BoOkWoRm24 Apartment Hunting

23rd June 2012:
Hi again :)

So this chapter wasa just as good as the last one. I've decided that I love Louis's narration, its hilarious.

I thought that your description stuck out a little more this time than it did last time. I understood the surroundings a bit better this time around especially when you were describing the apartments and Benny's appearence.

I loved the ending of this chapter. It left you off with a smile on your face, and it also contributed to the charicterization well.

I liked that you had Albus with someone, but I did think that the scene you had with him was a bit sugary sweet. Generally couples don't make out in front of other people they are supposed to be socializing with. If I were you I might go back and just have them do like a sort of hello kiss, then have Fred over react to it. That would seem more realistic.

Other than that I didn't see anything that needed work. Grammer/spelling and the pacing and flow were all flawless. You transitioned into the flashback nicely and came out of it nicely, so good job.

Keep up the good work, I'm sure chapter 3 will be just as good :)


Author's Response: I'm glad you love is narration. It means a lot :D

Yeah I know I'm not the best at describing surroundings so that's something that I need to work on, but thank you for pointing that out.

I'm glad you love the ending :D

Yeah, I'll look over that and I shall change it at some point. Thanks for pointing that out as well. It's good to have CC!

Thanks so much for the lovely review!

 Report Review

Review #23, by BoOkWoRm24 Twenty-One

23rd June 2012:

So I thought this was a good opening chapter. It was simple, nothing with too much action, and it gave me a really good idea of who Louis was.

The charicterization in this chapter was great. I feel like I got a good taste f who each of your characters was. And when I say everyone I mean everyone from Dillion to Louis to Fred to Thady.

The opening of this chapter was good too. It was interesting to see where you put each of the Next-gen characters as far as their carreers go. I don't know what age ;you have each of the characters at, so I can't ask for too much, but I think it would be nice if you included a some other cousin(s). I'm pretty sure that Percy's daughter Molly is older than Louis. And Louis also has two older sisters who he would probably be sooner to compare himself with than his cousins. It would just be nice I guess if you expanded a little more because right now it seems like you have confined it to just the trio's kids.

Moving on, I thought some of the diction in this chapter was great. The way Louis talks makes for a great narrator. BeaJerry's comparison with the Olympic Buffet was great, and some lines like the one where he made the Bar-ner-in-crime pun I really liked.

I didn't see any spelling/grammar issues other than I'm 99% sure that you capitilize Aunt before Hermione like it is all part of her name (I spotted this towards the top where you were talking about Rose). But yeah other than that I didn't see anything, I could tell you had it beta'd pretty thoroughly.

So great opening chapter I can't wait to see what you have coming in the next two :)


Author's Response: Hey thanks for reviewing :)

I will include other NG characters as I keep on adding more chapters to it. In chapter 5 Rose will make appearance and then a few chapters down the line his sisters and other cousins will also be making an appearance so don't worry I shall expand on that :)

I'm glad you think Louis makes a good narrator.

Haha yeah she's a genius :p

Yeah, I shall change that at some point.

Thanks for reviewing :)

 Report Review

Review #24, by UnluckyStar57 Awkward

23rd June 2012:
Hi, it's me, UnluckyStar57, here to swap reviews. :)
The story idea is really cute, and this chapter is pretty strong, as far as the characters and dialogue go. Louis and Thady are cute with their whole "best-bud"-ness, but do I sense a possible relationship there? I don't know. Maybe the mysterious and tipsy Fallon is who he pines for?
Fallon seems like a very strong-willed character, though she obviously has some problems that she doesn't mind sharing when she isn't right in the mind... :)
Mrs. Arlington is... Awkward and cougar-ish. I hope she makes another appearance!
As for the things I didn't quite understand: It might have been a little more cohesive if you had introduced Mrs. Arlington when she showed up in the story, but perhaps you meant it to be some random Louis-thoughts while he got ready for work?
And when Louis and Fallon woke up in the apartment, are we supposed to assume that they made it there while they were drunk? I was just a little confused about that.
One more bit of CC/a question~~I was also confused about Fred's entrance. When he came in, I wasn't sure that it was him who "welcomed" Fallon to the apartment.
But other than those few little things, it was a good chapter. Nice work! :)

Author's Response: Hey, I shall do a review on one of your story in a second :D

Ha thanks this means a lot. I like Louis/Thady together but as only best friends. I think this is just the way they act without any hidden emotions behind it. I really just want to make it that a guy and a girl can be friends but Louis might have other ideas...boys tends to be indecisive :p but he's def pining for someone :D
Haha I want to make Fallon a likeable character but so far there is not much known about her but I promise there'll be more. She's a close of person, that is until she's drunk and she just has words vomit haha.
Yeah Mrs Arlington is defiantly awkward...I mean awkward definitely fits this chapter fairly well. I know she's a bit cougar-ish but there won't be anything happening there...just some light humour really :p I think she will at some point...she needs to stalk Louis some more lol
It's just Louis random thoughts...
Yeah you were suppose to assumed they go there that's why there's a * to shows it's the next scene.
It was Fred, he's been staying with Louis whilst still trying to find an apartment. He's just sitting there having his breakfast haha but I'll try and make it more clearer next time.
Thank you for reviewing :D I shall do one in return soon!

 Report Review

Review #25, by Ron 4 Hermione Awkward

23rd June 2012:
Your story never fails to make me laugh!
-Akward! What an interesting way to introduce a character. It was brilliant!
-The whole piece is amazing and the descriptions are nice too :)
Adding to my favourites cause it's brilliant! 10/10 :)

Author's Response: Ha I'm glad you like it :D
Yeah 'Awkward' defiantly fits the chapter well...there's a whole lot of awkward situation presence ha! And anyway who wants to just introduce people and have it all boring? Introducing Fallon this way just creates a 'BOM' situation :p
Aw thank you. Hope you continues reading (or I'll continues re-requesting!)
Yay! One more person to favourite this! I'm a happy girl!

 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login

<Previous Page  Jump:     Next Page>