Reading Reviews for Plan B
  
58 Reviews Found

Review #1, by daretodream Quaffles and Unicorns

25th August 2012:
Aw, what a cute chapter!

I'm so happy she made the Quidditch team, but also that she had formidable conversation. I feel like sometimes in fan fiction, unless you're a Weasley/Potter, girls don't play Quidditch. Or if they do, the HAVE to have the surname of a canon player. I like that your OC plays, and is good. The position wasn't just handed to her :)

But Lysander talked to her in this chapter! And he even complimented her on her Quidditch playing skills! I think Kat's crush on him is super cute, and that they would be adorable together. But who knows what will happen once James gets involved, right?

I think it was funny in a sadly true sort of way when Kat said that nobody ever associates her with her brothers because she wasn't a wildly popular Quidditch player. Sadly that's just the way the world works.

Great job!

~Cassie

Author's Response: Thanks!

Yeah, I wanted to show that people have some unexpected talents!

I'm glad you think they're cute! I'll give you a little tidbit ;) James doesn't initially mess things up for them. hehehe!

Yeah, its frustrating!

thanks again, I really appreciate it!


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Review #2, by slytherinchica08 Diaries and Conversations

24th August 2012:
I'm so sorry that it took me so long to get to your review but I am finally here!

I loved your character Kat! I thought she was great and also loved all your other characters as well. I thought they were all interesting and sort of a good balance for each other. I'm excited to read a story in which Lysander is the boy she is interested in as I think the twins are usually over looked in next gen era stories. I'm excited to see more of him and find out what his character is really like. I thought that this chapter flowed really well too and didn't spot any errors so great job on that. Also I could definately see the humor in this and enjoyed it and could only imagine how crowded that compartment must have been once the boys joined them. Really, I think that this is a good beginning to your stoy and seems like it will be a very fun read! I enjoyed this very much! Great Job!

~Slytherinchica08~

Author's Response: Not a problem :) RL gets in my way all the time!

Yep, Lysander is a pretty major character! I'm glad you enjoyed everyone as well as the humor :)

Thanks so much for giving me your thoughts on this!


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Review #3, by Aether Quaffles and Unicorns

18th August 2012:
Nice job on this chapter! It's well-written, and I see very few grammar errors. I might've liked more of a warning about Kat being a Quidditch player though. I feel like it came out of left field, though maybe I just forgot about the foreshadowing in early chapters.

You did a nice job of describing the action during the tryouts. The flow and pace was perfect and left me on the edge of my seat.

I'm excited to see where this story goes. ;) It's so funny how flustered and obsessed with Lysander Kat is. I hope she manages to break out of that soon!

Nice job and good luck with the rest of your story!

Aether

Author's Response: Thanks! I did mention it in chapter 2, but maybe I should have her dwell on it a bit more to make it stand out. Thanks for pointing that out!

Great! I've really been working on my descriptions, so I'm glad to hear you liked it and it was exciting!

I think Kat will start getting a little more relaxed...maybe ;)

thanks so much again for your review, I really appreciate it!


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Review #4, by ScorpiusRose17 Quaffles and Unicorns

11th August 2012:
Hi there!

So I am sorry that it has taken me this long to review this chapter for you. I have been really busy with real life. Anyways...onto the review.

I really thought that this chapter was great. I agree that it has that filler feel to it, but this isn't a typical filler. Like you said in your areas of concern... it does set up a couple of plot elements and every story needs chapters like these. I really felt like we were getting a little more of an inside look into Kat's feelings and her abilities.

I really liked being able to see more of Kat's character come out in this chapter. I would have never known that it was her desire to be on the Quidditch team and I think that is a great place for her to be when things get difficult with her plan. She now has an outlet.

I also really liked her "stalker" vibe. It is adorable how she just happens to stumble into the library and there is Lysander sitting there. =) The conversation between the two of them is so cute. Lysander and talking about his family and his summer was funny.

I think that all the characters are really well developed and I also think we have a lot more to see from all of them. I look forward to seeing what else is going to happen to this group of characters that you have built up. They all have their quirks and wonderful mannerisms.

I thought that the flow of the chapter was great. I didn't feel like it jumped around and I was never lost in trying to follow what was going on.

The plot is progressing in a great way. It is slow, but it is one of those good slow progressions that make this as great as it is. I hope that this makes sense.

I also really liked your descriptions. They painted a wonderful, vivid picture in my mind as I read the story. I also like how you use smaller details to really make the chapter come to life along side of the wider descriptions.

Keep up the awesome writing!!! I look forward to reading what happens next!! =)

-SR17

Author's Response: haha its ok, real life tries to mug me on a daily basis! as you can see by late response...

phew, I'm glad you feel that way. Its so hard to guage how well a chapter fits in for the reader. I know its necessary, because I'm the writer, but its hard to tell what everybody else will think with a chapter like this.

Yep, its one of Kat's hidden talents! As she said, her brothers have been chucking quaffles at her for years, she had to be good!

Aww yes, Lysander. :) he's so much fun to write. I'm glad you like that scene, it's the first sort of romantic scene I've written!

Thank you so much for your kind words! They really keep me motivated!


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Review #5, by Choconut892 Quaffles and Unicorns

9th August 2012:
Love this! Update soon:) xx

Author's Response: Thanks for reading and reviewing!

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Review #6, by Pen2Paper Diaries and Conversations

20th July 2012:
Hey!
Pen2Paper here from the Gryffie common room review thread. :)
You've got a cute story here. I like your protagonist's very age-appropriate way of thinking. She's interesting and quirky and instantly likeable :)
I am curious as to what exactly her 'plan' is? Maybe we'll get to know soon?

Anyway apart from a few punctuation errors I didn't spot anything too out of place. I would suggest though that you use italics when you write what she thinks or her internal dialogues (I thought, I told myself) just to make it clearer.
Also when describing what she likes about Lyssander you have a series of sentences all starting with "I noticed". I would suggest maybe varying the word choice or simply combining two sentences with a comma.

I do like that you picked Lyssander as her crush. I haven't read many fics where he is given much prominence, I hope there's more of him to come.

Lovely start to a promising story! Keep going :) :)

Author's Response: Thanks!

Her plan is slowly revealed, and then clearly outlined at the end of the story. I'm glad you find her likeable!

Thanks for pointing that out, I'll try and work on it :)

Don't worry, Lysander is very important so there is definitely mor of him to come!

Don't worry, I will!


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Review #7, by rogovjm Beards and Revelations

19th July 2012:
NO! There is no arrow to chapter four! This is a sad time. This is great so far especially now with Juliet and Genevieve both liking the same guy. I'm rooting for Juliet/Luke and Genevieve/Mike so no friendships get ruined. Can't wait for the next chapter!

Author's Response: Sorry :( It should be up next week sometime! Oh boy trouble, it never gets old does it? Thanks for reading and reviewing all 3 chapters!

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Review #8, by rogovjm Boys and Secrets

19th July 2012:
A-mazing! The characters are all really cool and the plot is just wow-fantastic!

Author's Response: Thank you!! I like that word...wow-fantastic! hehehe anyway thanks for reading!

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Review #9, by rogovjm Diaries and Conversations

19th July 2012:
I love the start to this story! It seems so interesting and I'd make this review longer but i need to go read chapter two! 10/10

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing!! Glad you like it ^_^

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Review #10, by married to black Beards and Revelations

19th July 2012:
"(Does anyone seriously try to get a guy by complimenting his pet rat?)"

This made me giggle! Like, I outright giggled in front of my family. They all gave me the oddest of looks but I didn't care - that line was too hilarious!

I love this story! I had subscribed a while ago and anxiously awaited the 3rd chapter. When it finally was posted, I only got to read half of it before I was cut off (because I had to something at that moment). THankfully, I'm back and updated once more :D

I love Kat so much. So, so, so much. I absolutely adore your writing style. It's so relaxed and fun. I enjoy it; it's a bit of a breather from all the formal reading I write/read.

Lysander! Come back! You're so mysterious! Go on and return your feelings for Kat! Gah ~ That's me being a crazy shipper because that's exactly what I am of Lys and Kat: a crazy ol' shipper. I am so excited to see where they go. They're oh so cute and utterly adorable. I know Lysander has barely been in the story so far but my interest in him is piqued. ;)

AND AND AND, oh lord. Girls and the mess that happens when they like the same guy. No, ?Juliet, no! I'm curious to see if Genevieve will find out... eeek, she'll have to sooner or later. I just hope it doesn't get in between the girls! I bet I am hoping for too much, eh? Oh bloody hell. :3

You know what I love more than anything about this story? KAT. KAT KAT KAT. I relate to her so much. The interest in school, in her classes, being the friend who doesn't go often after boys, being the one who falls hard for boys and for a darn long time to, etc. etc. etc. We are just so alike! She's like my twin. In a fanfic. I love love love it. :)

I cannot wait for the next update. This was fab. And I hope I got the 50th review spot like I claimed! ~.^

Author's Response: That was a fun line to write :) I was completely thinking about Hermione complimenting Scabbers and just laughing my head off about it!

Great! I hope I'll be able to keep it that way, as the story moves on.

Don't worry, there is an entire scene devoted to Lysander and Kat in chapter 4, no interuptions or anything. Prepare to get your fill of Lysander!

You'll have to wait and see...*evil chuckle*

Oh Kat. She is pretty fun isn't she :)

Thank you so, so, so much! I really appreciate it! Next update will be coming sometime next week ;)

And you did get 50! Thank you *hugs*


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Review #11, by Cavell Diaries and Conversations

17th July 2012:
Hi, there, I'm here with your requested review! :) So, I thought that this was a pretty good start to the story. I have always meant to read it, but only got the chance now. There weren't very much mistakes, but there was this:

Genevieve is dying her hair turquoise - there should be an 'e' in dyeing, just to let you know, or otherwise, it just doesn't make much sense.

Well, me, Isabelle, Juliet, and Molly - while I am ridiculously glad you didn't put in 'me and blabla', it should be Well, Isabelle, Juliet, Molly and I (or me, if you prefer). Nice names, by the way ;) I always love seeing what authors name the characters, and I adore yours in particular. I was actually planning on using the name Isabelle myself for a story, and you are one of the few who have actually used it. Most people don't, strangely enough >.<

He made a joke to me - it's He told me a joke, because what you have confuses me a little.

"But-"drop it," I said, cutting off Isabelle. - at first, I had thought that Kat had said "But-" and Isabelle said "drop it", but somehow, they're stuck together. I can relate, the PMs at the forums hate me and like to distort my chapters sent to my beta a lot. Anyway, it should be "But-" and then a space between, as is the norm for dialogue, and then "Drop it," I said, cutting off Isabelle.

You did pretty well with all the British-ness of it, and I loved the humour. Kat is witty like all Gryffindors love ;) Lysander was adorable (then again, this is from Kat's POV :p) and so was James. I loved your James - in fact, all of your characters were absolutely lovable. You have a good plot going on, and making the changes I pointed out would make me love this story even more (can you hear my heart fluttering with love? No? Oh, so it's just me?) and I'll definitely check this out in the future if I have the time. I can't wait to see where you take this story, because even if it's the first chapter, it's turning out really well :) It was a bit short, but most opening chapters are, and I really enjoyed this. Thanks for requesting, feel free to re-request, and good luck with your story!

--Linn

Author's Response: Thanks!

Oops, I'll fix that!

I'm glad you like the names :) They're my favorite girl's names. Isabelle deserves to be used more!

Thanks for pointing out the grammar errors, I'll work on those!

Yay! There're loveable! I'm always afraid my characters will be boring, so I'm so happy that you like them! I am definitely re-requesting, thanks for all your help!


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Review #12, by daretodream Beards and Revelations

10th July 2012:
Juliet/Luke.
It needs to happen. I know next to nothing about these characters, but I have a feeling. Plus, I would lose all respect for Juliet if she threw away her friendship for a crush!
So, Kat's trying to talk to Lysander? She has a bit of a Lysander obsession, but that's okay. My question is: Where's Lorcan? He is Lysander's twin after all, and even if they aren't in the same house or even close, I'm wondering where he is. Oh well. I'm sure you will get to that.
I loved the banter about the young Slytherins. Calling dibs on the poor boy with the few hairs. Oh man.
I also am enjoying the concept of a Mickey/Molly pairing. I think they would work really well together, though don't ask me why I am so for it when I know very little about him. Consider it a gut instinct.
I mentioned in my first review that I would come back and reassess your OC's in this one. Like I said last chapter, I think you're fine for now, just stay vigilant that you don't fall into that trap!
All around, good job!
~Cassie
P.S. Thanks for being the first to request reviews! I was terrified no one was going to want any haha!

Author's Response: I love writing dramatic teen romance. Hehe its so fun and silly!

Yeah she does...but its her first crush so she's going a bit overboard. And Lorcan will pop up a bit in the next chapter, don't worry!

Poor Slytherins...I know way too many boys with the awkward stubble at school so that wasn't too hard to write :D

Thank you so much for reviewing all three chapters! I really appreciate it :)

And I promise, people ALWAYS want reviews!


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Review #13, by daretodream Boys and Secrets

10th July 2012:
Hi!
So, before I even really start, I love that the Malfoy's are the bad guys in this. Especially the line comparing them to Sea Slugs, easily my favorite line in the chapter. Maybe I'm looking in the wrong place (I do love a good ScoRose) but it's difficult to find a Malfoy where he is truly like his father was as a teenager. Most people choose to go the exact opposite, with him wanting to be nothing like his father, so kudos for a bit of difference there.
I got a better grasp on Kat this chapter, and she's a solid OC character. I like her, and I don't think that's going to abruptly change over the course of the story, unless her actions abruptly change.
I also got a much better look at each of her friends this chapter, and I don't see anything that is ridiculously cliched, so good job for avoiding that. The one to be most careful of is Molly, but since she has only had cameo appearances so far her bookishness doesn't hit you over the head, so it's fine. I actually really like a few of her friends as OC characters, so good job!
Onto the next chapter!
~Cassie

Author's Response: I have to admit, I was getting a bit tired of the whole Scorpius is really hot, or misunderstood, or a rebel from his family. They can be a lot of fun to read, but I wanted to get away from that and see what it would be like if Scorpius turned out a lot like his dad.

I think Kat will change, but not abruptly. Her change will be justified (at least I hope it will be!).

Yeah, I know Molly's definitely going to be hard to keep away from the typical nerd friend, but hopefully I can do it!

Thank you so much for reading and reviewing again!


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Review #14, by daretodream Diaries and Conversations

10th July 2012:
Hello!
So, you're story is next gen! I love next gen :)
From the beginning I love the fact that Kat isn't going after James. I love JamesII/OC stories, don't get me wrong, but it's refreshing and helps your story stand out that that isn't what YOU are doing. You are doing a Lysander/OC as your main pairing it appears, and to me, that's intriguing.
I personally think the Scamander twins get underrated in fan fiction, or are portrayed as completely nutters, not just mildly so, like their mother was.
I like your portrayal of James and his ego. As a good looking boy of like, 17 with a famous family, he is bound to at least think a little highly of himself, so good job portraying that accurately (plus with some humor!).
The first chapter is too short for me to say anything really definitive about the characterization of Kat, but so far I don't see anything bad!
My main advice would be to watch your other OC's (ex: the dormmates). Because there is so much fan fiction out there, it's really easy to fall into traps of cliched OCs (trust me, I've done it myself!) So far it isn't too bad, but this is only the first chapter, so I'll reassess on chapter 3!
All around, you've done a pretty good job! Looking forward to reading more!
~Cassie

Author's Response: Next gen is so much fun to read and write :)

I also love James II/OC stories, but wanted to make it clear that James isn't some sort of god that every girl falls for once he hits puberty. So I'm glad you like Lysander in there :)

I honestly haven't read a lot of Scamander twin fanfic, so I hope my characterization of him is unique!

I had a lot of fun writing James, and I 'm happy you don't think he is too over the top!

I hope I can stay out of the dorm mate cliches that tend to pop up! I think everybody fits into a cliche to some extent, but its important to not let that stereotype define them.

Thank you so much for reading and reviewing!


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Review #15, by Analesh7 Beards and Revelations

4th July 2012:
Hey!

I first want to say that i see myself in both Molly and Genevieve :)

Second, I was really close to being very mad at you. When Juliet said that she had a crush on someone, and so did another person, I thought she was going to say it was Lysander. And if she had said his name, I would've screamed. Kat is already having the most difficult time trying to even say hi to him, so another distraction/interruption, would have driven me ballistic.

Other than that, I thought it was written chapters and I seriously CANNOT WAIT for the next chapter!!

Oh! And Im totally rooting for Juliet/Luke. Luke seems like a sweet guy! Can you introduce him soo?

Author's Response: Cool! I'm glad you can relate to them!

I almost did that, but decided it would have been too much. Kat probably would have gone ballistic too :)

Yay! I'm glad you liked it! Hopefully the next one will be done soon!

Yep, I will :) All the guys will get their share of the story!


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Review #16, by Aether Beards and Revelations

4th July 2012:
Hi again stormthief! :) Wonderful chapter! I really like how the sixth year girls and the sixth year boys seem to be each in their own clique. There are no mini-cliques within the dorms. I feel that it also explains why they aren't super close. It's not like they all chose to be together. They were placed in the same dorm, and because they've lived together for so long, they're all close. It's a bit like siblings, sort of.

I wonder, though, if any of them have close friends in other houses or years. I'm sort of excited to meet more characters from different houses. What about Lysander's twin?

I love the drama you're creating between Juliet and Genevieve. I feel like it all seems a little petty now, but when I was in high school, those sorts of things did matter a lot. It's all very realistic.

I think it could be interesting to what would happen if boys stopped just being objects of crushes, and started being possible friends. It could skew their whole dynamic! Hah, hah.

I'm interested in learning more about your characters though. Simple things, like their home life, their siblings, their ambitions, or even things they absolutely can't stand. I think you've done a really great job with that so far, like with Juliet's list and when Genevieve's purse is knocked over. But, there's always more, and I'm sort of curious about these OC boys, like Mike and Luke. Are they Muggleborn? Do the boys get together and say if they have crushes? Though, I guess boy's aren't really like that. They tend to not say those sorts of things aloud. What is the dynamic like in the boy's room? ;-)

Anyway, this chapter was very well-written, and I think you're doing a great job of characterizing Kat. Not only is she consistent, but she's also very believable. I'm excited to see what you have planned for this story! Thanks for rerequesting! 10/10

Aether

Author's Response: That;s kind of the way I think of it too :) You might not have chosen them on your own, but like it or not you have to live with your housemates for seven years!

The next chapter will start going a bit more into other houses, so you'll get to meet some more students soon!

Yeah, I'm still in high school so I still get to experience all the drama...its great inspiration though!

Ahh yes, it WOULD be interesting wouldn't it? ;) Just wait and see...

I'm hoping that now I've sort of got into the swing of the story I'll be able to add more tidbits here and there. I'm not exactly sure how to explore the dynamics of the boy's room--the story is all from Kat's perspective. Hmm something to think about I guess.

I'm so glad you liked it and thanks for adding it to your favorites!


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Review #17, by ScorpiusRose17 Beards and Revelations

1st July 2012:
Hi there!

I am finally here with your review. I am sorry that it has taken me this long to get to.

I really liked this chapter. The formatting problem, I know you are working on. It wasn't the worst formatting that I have seen and sometimes it can be tricky so don't worry, I know you'll get it where you need to be.

I really liked seeing the characters and their different perspectives. I really like seeing Kat's POV about all things Lysander. I felt horrible for her when she was paired with Mike and not Lysander like she wanted. She really has this confidence issue. I really hope she over comes it because I really want to see her happy.

Wow girl drama! =) It really makes the story believable adding a touch of girl drama like this. It is bound to happen and you really make your readers relate to your characters.

I look forward to reading more of this story and I think you are doing an awesome job so far. I really like your subtle descriptions, flow and pace. I don't ever feel rushed while reading this. I always want to find out what happens and I am always intrigued.

I did notice one place where I think you used the wrong word so I thought I would point it out for you...

"Luke had faller for Juliet." I think you meant to use the word fallen?

Keep up the awesome writing and let me know when another chapter is posted! I will be looking forward to finding out what happens between Kat, her friends and the boys! =)

-SR17

I am also going to add this to my favorites!

Author's Response: Don't worry about it! I'm not exactly speedy myself!

Formatting is so annoying :p. especially with the queue closed!

I'm glad you liked it again! I was a little worried I was rushing into the trouble with Juliet, but I tried to make it realistic.

Oops! *face palm* I'll fix that once the queue opens again!

Thanks for reviewing and the favorite! I super mega appreciate it!


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Review #18, by STG Sagmag Beards and Revelations

30th June 2012:
Juliet/Luke all the way! Poor Jules, and Poor Mike too...caught up inbetween of two girls who'll kill for his affection...
I do feel, however, that Kat's friends are not exactly really FRIENDS with each other. Someone who is supposed to be your friend suddenly starts hating you because of a guy in the middle? Uh huh, not good for a story...
Anyways, brill chappy, I really like your writing style! Can't wait for more Kat/Lysander action!

Author's Response: Hehe glad you liked it!!

Hmm, I understand your point, but I think their friendship hasn't really been tested all that much. They've had minor arguments and all, but nothing really big. And of course Kat doesn't know that they're actually going to start hating each other, that's just her speculation. Hope that clears it up a bit!

Thanks for the review and don't worry, next chapter has a bunch of Kat/Lysander!


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Review #19, by BoOkWoRm24 Diaries and Conversations

30th June 2012:
Hi here with your requested review

So first off sorry for the small wait. I was busy finishing up nano, but I'm done now, so here I am :)

So I felt like this story has a good start to it, but there are still some areas that need some improvement so I'm going to do a pro's and con's list

Pro's
-For the most part your characterization seemed pretty solid. Now there were a lot of characters here so I obviously can't say so for everyone, but I did get a strong vibe off of some people. First off James, you showed him as that cocky guy who thinks he's all that. I sort of like how you made him very one sided in this first chapter. It gives you room to expand on his other dimensions as the story goes on (which I'm sure you'll do). Molly as the book worm. Lysander as that sweet guy. And of course your OC who I feel like can only be described with the words bubbly.

-Grammar/Spelling. These were both great which is always a good sign. I didn't see any errors,so I can tell right off the bat you have put a good amount of effort into editing and revisions, which makes me appreciate your work a bit more

-Flow and pacing: you transitioned nicely from the diary entry to the normal dialoug to the introducing the boys to their exit. Though their time with the girls wasn't the longest part of this chapter that reflected the actual length of time they were in there

Con's
-Mary sue ness: So this one isn't exactly in this chapter. I'm putting it here as a warning. I do not know much about your OC yet so I can't call her 2D, but being that I don't know much about her yet that leaves potential for her to become 2D. So be careful

-The diary entry. You're writing in the diary entry seemed much more childish than the actual narration. It was a bit cheezy, and I liked the narration much better. I think if you actually knicked that part all together then changed it out with a solid five hundred words or so describing the room, giving the little bit of backround, and telling me about her friends I would have liked it a lot better

-Description. There wasn't that much of it. In the places that you did put some description particularly when you were talking about Lysander, it was great, I just wish you would give me some more of it.

-Another warning, you seem to be using a lot of cliches with your characters (i.e. James II being like James I) which isn't neccisarily a bad thing. The thing about a cliche is that if you choose to write one you have to make sure it is realy well written. So far so good, but keep that in mind in the future.

Anyway this was a good start to a good story

Until next time
-BW

Author's Response: Thanks for the review!

Yeah the characters all kind of start out with their stereotype, and then build off it until they aren't just that stereotype any more (at least I hope they will!). I think everyone's got a little stereotype in them and the hard part as a writer is not letting that stereotype define them.

Yep, I'm watching out for Mary Sue! I really hope that I'll be able to pull her away from that!

Hmm, I'll definitely think about that with the diary! Some people love it and others not so much so I'm not sure what to do with it yet!

I struggle with description...a lot. I'm working on it though :) I'm glad you like the stuf that was in there!

Yeah cliches...kind like I said before, I'm hoping to be able to use the cliches, but not let them define the story. Because I think there's a reason cliches are cliches in the first place!

Thanks again I really appreciate it!!


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Review #20, by SilentConfession Diaries and Conversations

28th June 2012:
Hi, i'm here for your review! :D Sorry it's taken so long and thank you so much for your patience.

So, i think you have an interesting OC here and i really like Kat so far. I think she has potential to be a great voice that will bring the story along. I do want to know more about her as i feel like i don't know too much about her or why i should care if she has a crush on Lysander. Not saying you need to pile the detail about her or anything but i'm worried that she could become a little Sue-y later. While you continue to write her don't forget to make her well rounded and a real person.

Since you asked specifically about characterization i'll try to go into some detail with that. I felt like i was in character overload here. I don't know what person to really focus on and i didn't feel like i could really get to know any of them as they were all sort of thrown at me at one time. This can be a good thing don't get me wrong, it just depends on the effect you are going for i just wanted to point out that i felt a litter overwhelmed with just how many there was. It made it hard to really get to know the characters or know where this story is going plot wise.

However, with that said, i did notice a few things. For one, James Potter. He came off pretty strong here and what I appreciated the most is that how you described him came through with his dialogue and actions so that was done consistently. Which is excellent, show don't tell and you did great with that for the most part. However, I would even dare to say that you don't need to explicitly say that he's full of himself and cocky because the reader can tell that he is simply by how he acts. That makes it more interesting for the reader if we are deducting that ourselves and not actually being spoon fed if that makes sense.

Lysander... i liked him here. He seems really sweet and i liked the banter between him and James. It flowed really well and you could tell they were really comfortable as friends. Which is excellent because a lot of the time dialogue can come across as forced and awkward but i think you did a great job all around with that with all of your characters.

The rest of your characters were good so far, i'm excited to get to know them more as i'm sure they will become more multidimensional as the story moves on. I'm a little concerned with "the boys" though, nothing bad at this point, but i've seen their characterizations a lot before, which is okay as it can still be used effectively and uniquely, just be sure to be aware of that. Make them your own, which i'm sure they will as the chapters move one.

I'm a little concerned about the diary entry, i think it's just that i'm not personally a fan of them in stories. This is your story however and the only advice i could give is to make sure that you don't use it as a fall back when you don't know how to write an important plot point. (i hope that makes sense)

Anyway, i hope you found my review helpful and it wasn't too painful. I did enjoy the beginning chapter and i think your writing is good, your flow and pace was excellent and i felt like i could see the actions of your characters. Which was really nice because i felt like i was in the compartment with them. Good job :D Feel free to stop by and request another ;D

Author's Response: Thanks so much for your long and thoughtful review!

I'm doing my best to keep Kat away from Sue-yness :) She's a lot of fun to write!

I've got a lot of reviews mentioning that, so I'm trying to think of a way to slow the chapter down a little bit.

Thanks for the advice on James!! He is also really fun to play around with!

Yay Lysander! I think he deserves more attention than he gets usually :)

Yeah, I will! They stick together at the beginning, but become much more individual as the story goes on.

I understand what you mean about the diary. Its kind just something I have in there for fun, as a different way for Kat to express herself.

Glad you liked it!!


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Review #21, by EverDiggory Boys and Secrets

27th June 2012:
Hey hun! Here with your review!

I am just as thrilled with this chapter as I was the last! I think it was brilliant!

The flow, characterization(you definitely stepped it up a notch;D) and plot were all up to par, which is great!

The only thing I would recommend is more imagery. I think, it works for me and it might for you as well, to just write a chapter as you normally would and don't worry about the imagery. Then when you're done you can go back and add the descriptions, which I think makes it a lot easier!

I think the pace is a little slow at the moment, but I reckon it will start speeding up soon! I am very anxious to read more and learn more about the girls!

But mostly Lysander and James(;

xx

Ever

Author's Response: Thanks!!

I'll definitely try and work on the imagery a bit. I'll try your idea!

I'm happy you liked it!!!


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Review #22, by EverDiggory Diaries and Conversations

24th June 2012:
Here with your review!

For one thing, you have just made me an official Lysander AND James fangirl. Thank you!

Anyways, so lets break it down, shall we?

Characterization: Bloody excellent! I was really thrilled with this! You're very sure of them, and you're inside each and every one of their heads! It's a strong point of yours, and that's just fantastic because characterization can break or make your story! Keep going on strong with your characterization! I really like Kat, she's a bit Mary-Sue ish, but I think she is only a bit. While its a bit cliche, it really isn't. If you get what I'm saying...? Like at first she's Mary-Sue ish, like the whole her/Lysander situation, but then everything goes well so you avoided the cliche. If you hadn't, she would have made a complete fool of yourself. So its safe to say Kat is a very unique CC

Dialogue: This was also pretty strong! I think though that you should add a bit more girl talk. I mean, I'm assuming they've been separated all summer? They're going to chat each others ears off! So while you had a good amount, I would recommend adding some girl talk in there!

Flow: This is good as well! I didn't see any messy transitions, and I think you smoothed out the seems pretty well!

Grammar/Spelling/Misc. Errors: Alright, I would recommend a beta. It wasn't anything major, but there were a few misplaced commas, few misspelled words, and places were there should be commas. Also, there were one or two parts were the spacing was messed up. For example:

“But—“drop it,” I said, cutting off Isabelle.

There's two different speakers in the above sentence. I would recommend something like so:

"But--"

"Drop it," I said, cutting off Isabelle.

Reader Interest: There is plenty! Between the Kat/Lysander little situation there, and then James and the way he's so arrogant, which I am ashamed to admit makes him my biggest heart-flutter, really keeps us reading. I think Juliet is going to be a very interesting character! But overall, I find Olivia most relatable and I anticipate what role she will be playing!

Plot: Considering this was just a first chapter, I can't say much. While it was certainly an interesting set up, and you've definitely prepared us for what I'm sure will be a thrilling, funny, and romantic(hopefully romantic;D ) read! I really cannot wait to see what you do with this!

I think everything was really great! The only CC point you should make a point to acknowledge is ironing out those little grammar/spelling/misc. errors and polish up your story a bit! Otherwise, I am thoroughly impressed with this! I think your characterization is brilliant, and you make them all so lovable! You've really hooked your readers-- I know I am-- and that last line made me very keen to read more! I think this was a very good, very intriguing piece of writing!

Also, a last few things: I liked the way you did the diary entry! You informed us of need-to-knows about the characters in a clever, very uncheesy way! Hooray!

I also liked the way you introduced the boys! They seem like a very lively and fun group, so I'm sure they are a blast to write about! I know they're a blast to read!

I am very keen to read more! Feel free to rerequest, I'll be looking forward to it!

Happy writing, hun!

Oh, and I swear this is the last thing, please don't be terrified of my CC! I think this was an excellent piece and I was thoroughly impressed!

xx

Ever

Author's Response: Ahh, thanks for the long review!

Kat is very fun to write. I think every character fits a bit of a stereotype and the challenge is not letting the character be defined by the stereotype.

oops, I'll work on my grammar/find a beta!

James is great :) Even if he is a bit of a cliche quidditch bighead! Juliet, Olivia and the other girls all get their time in the spotlight!

Thank you so much for this awesome review and I'm really glad you liked it!


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Review #23, by classicblack Boys and Secrets

24th June 2012:
Hi, it's Ali with your review!

So first off, to start with the journal entry: I've never read a story where Scorpius Malfoy was a) an only child and/or b) where he was just as much as a twat as his father was. Frankly, I'm excited to see how you handle Scorpius's, and now his brother Angurio (which by the way, is quite an odd name- very Malfoyish), character. Like I said last chapter, don't slip into the "all Slytherins are evil" stereotype. This new generation would have probably been quite different than the old one. I know I sometimes have trouble with this myself. I did like that you seem to be beginning each chapter with a diary entry, though.

I actually rather liked this chapter. It was really an improvement from the last as far a grammar goes. I only caught one mistake and it was just that you forgot to press enter between speakers again.

I like the spunk that you give Kat's character. She's funny and witty and not so enamored with Lysander that it makes the chapters uncomfortable to read. She's a very good main character.

Some of the dialogue is a bit awkward. Try imagining how you would say something. Use contractions (i.e. won't instead of will not) and break up the sentences, as in don't use 'and' to put together several thoughts unless the character is breathless or excited or telling a thrilling story or something like that. Make the dialogue a little more natural.

I haven't really read enough of the story to know about characterization yet. So far, it looks like you've got a firm feeling for who each of your characters are, so that's good. Like a said, just try avoiding stereotypes and cliches.

Great chapter!
Happy writing,
classicblack from the forums

Author's Response: Thanks!

I will stay away from all Slytherins are evil, don't worry. Even the Malfoys, who seem like nasty characters have a lot more to them...I gave Scorpius a brother because I thought it would be interesting, and different. And Angurio is a form of the latin word for snake. Not very creative but I thought it fit as a Malfoy name! I see way too many stories where Scorpius is a really hot guy and totally different from his father. I thought it would be fn to write an obnoxious Scorpius.

I'll work on the dialogue, thanks!

I'm glad you like Kat :)


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Review #24, by academica Boys and Secrets

24th June 2012:
Hi there! I'm here with another requested review!

The large spaces in this chapter and the story page are a bit distracting, so I would try to tone those down, but the content is pretty good. I like that I got to know Kat a little bit better, and it seemed realistic for her to lose interest in the Sorting and focus instead on Lysander.

Something I think you could maybe improve on is the concept of "showing" versus "telling" a reader things about the story. I noticed in quite a few places in this chapter that you got off on various tangents (like when you put extra clarification points in parentheses) or seemed to get a little caught up in describing Kat's appearance or thoughts. I usually prefer when a writer "shows" me those details a little bit at a time rather than just telling me everything all at once. For example, instead of telling me what Kat thinks of her looks, you could have described her getting ready for class the next morning and going over each part of her face with makeup in the mirror in her dorm, and used descriptive words to show us that her appearance isn't bad, just a little lackluster compared to the looks of her friends. I hope that makes sense. I think reducing the number of tangents and taking out some of the unnecessary explanations will improve the flow and pace here.

I think the dialogue here is pretty good - just try not to get too crazy with the flirtacious comments and friendly jabs between the girls. I would also try to incorporate other plot themes besides the Kat/Lysander ship as the plot progresses, just to keep things fresh. It's totally fine for beginning chapters to be used to set things up and keep the mood light, but I would love to see more variety develop here in terms of events and themes.

Good work! I hope this review is helpful :)

-Amanda

Author's Response: Thanks!

I will go and fix that, sorry, I didn't realize they were so wide!

Gah I struggle so much with showing rather than telling! But I will try to improve on it! Thanks for mentioning it!

Yeah, you'll be seeing some more subplots, don't worry :)


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Review #25, by Phoenix_Flames Diaries and Conversations

24th June 2012:
Hello there! I'm here with your review as you requested!

I think you're off to a great start here with this fic! This was a nice introductory chapter, and you set up the scene pretty well!

I like Kat. She seems like a cool girl, and so far, seems original enough. I liked the little dip we got into her mind with her diary entry. It showed me that she isn't just a Mary-Sue OC but that she does have her own characteristics that make her original and stand out. I find that incredibly important when a story focuses on an OC, so well done there!

I loved the friendship you wrote with the next gen gang. I love it when I can feel their bonds through the dialogue and just the easy-breezy conversation that they have. When everything just comes naturally and it's evident that no one is trying to show that there is a bond between them all. It's just there. Like Lysander and James about the size of his ego. A cute little comment that really breathed life into the story and made me smile! Make sure you keep putting things in there like that, because I believe that's what makes a story stand out!

I also love that Kat is hung up on Lysander and not any of the other boys. It's generally James or Al and that's a tad cliche these days, but she's hung up on Lysander! I think that's a great touch and nice change on things. Really excellent.

I thought your writing was pretty good. I thought there was a nice pace about the chapter and a good flow. It wasn't rocky or all disjointed. Nor was there just constant dialogue. I thought it was a great mix of the dialogue with actions going on as well as Kat's thoughts and obersvations. That's excellent. I think it's incredibly important to make sure that there isn't just straight up dialogue. Good job!

There were a few things I noticed that I could offer my CC on. Just some times when paragraphs were together and should be split. Simple things to remember like, only one person can speak in a paragraph. As soon as the next person talks, that's the beginning of a new paragraph. But really that's it! Great job!

Thanks for requesting, and I hope you found my review helpful! I'll try to be back for the next chapter soon. I think you're off to a nice start, and you definitely have me wanting to figure out what Kat's plan is! Good job!

Author's Response: Thanks!

I'm really trying to keep Kat away from the land of Mary Sue :)

Glad you like the dialogue! I try to imagine how I might react or what teenagers would say in each situation.

Yeah, I think Lysander deserves some attention. James and Albus are not the only good looking boys in hogwarts!

I'll fix those paragraphs asap!

Thanks again, I really appreciate it!


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