Reading Reviews for Lost Lullaby
  
19 Reviews Found

Review #1, by The Misfit 7-Girlfriend?

11th July 2014:
Hey, Lily!

I really like this story so far! I'm a little sad that you killed Victoire off, but I'm enjoying the way you're developing Teddy's life post-Victoire. Natalie seems like a great OC and complements Teddy well, and then there's Victoire's shadow everywhere even at Shell Cottage :(

I loved your humorous moments about how Teddy didn't have a phone number or email address, and Christian interrupting at the table just as the important announcement of magic was going to begin :P You're building their romance slowly too which is good, since some stories have ships that feel too rushed but this is a nice pacing, particularly when Teddy has a child to think of.

I would suggest maybe expanding your description a little more by referring to the surroundings, to increase your word count and help the reader picture them better. Also, something that jumped out at me were the sharp transitions between scenes, particularly early on when Christian turned from a two-month-old baby to a three-year-old toddler in the space of a paragraph -- I think a time gap like that could have been moved to the beginning of the next chapter. I'd suggest working on making the transitions smoother.

However, this is still a fantastic story, in fact it's the first Teddy/OC I've read and I'm glad this was my first because it's fabulous and I think with a little revision, it can be even better :D

Good luck with finishing this by the end of the month!

House Cup Review 2014

 Report Review

Review #2, by marauderfan Not a Date

27th May 2014:
Hi! Here with your requested review - I'm assuming you meant this chapter :)

I like the way the story is progressing. Poor Teddy, there's a lot he can't say in the presence of Muggles! I saw he slipped up and said Merlin at one point, oops. Natalie must have sooo many questions at this point, or else think Teddy is super weird. :p But I think you've done really well capturing the nervousness of a wizard trying not to accidentally reveal something he shouldn't about the wizarding world to a Muggle. Ooh and I loved the appearance of Dudley's son in this chapter.

You asked about description in your AoC - you've got some in the beginning in terms of what they're wearing, but setting description would be nice as most of the chapter takes place in a cafe. What does the cafe look like? In terms of how... a short paragraph as he walks into the cafe that gives a general image of what the cafe looks like - wood paneled walls? Still-life paintings of fruit on the walls? Big windows? Is it sunny outside? This sort of stuff can also be inserted in little bits along with the dialogue to keep the desciption going, like this: '"Example," said Teddy as he straightened the wrinkled, flowery tablecloth.' Or something like that. Just little details like that can help create a big picture.

I hope this is helpful! Your story is great so far. And good for Teddy for stepping into the modern century and moving forward from the somewhat antiquated wizard style of sending owls, it was about time for wizards to catch on. Thank goodness he has Fred to help him so he doesn't embarrass himself, haha. Nice work on this chapter!

 Report Review

Review #3, by randomwriter 2: The Red Slide

26th May 2014:
Hello :) Since I was so late for the review swap, I figured I'd leave you another review :) It's always nice to come back to continue reading stories anyway, and I liked your start.

This chapter wasn't as sad as the previous one, and I really enjoyed the hopeful note the last one ended on, so this was a nice carry forward :) I'm really beginning to love the relationship Teddy and Christian share. It's obviously a much deeper connection as it's just the two of them and Teddy would kind of have to fill in both the roles of a mother and father. It must be so difficult raising a child on his own, holding down a job and taking care of a hundred other things at once, but Teddy seems to be handling it well :)

I felt a little jolt in my heart whenever Victoire was mentioned. I still can't believe what happened to her. It is so, so sad and I'm sure that it must have haunted Teddy forever. It still seems to. I feel so sorry for him, but I get where he's coming from. He must have truly loved Victoire beyond words.

In spite of everything, I think that it's nice that Teddy still gets to meet new people (because of Christian or not). I know it must be incredibly hard for him to even think of ever replacing Victoire, but he does deserve happiness.

I also adore the scenes with Christian and Teddy in the park. It'll be nice to see how much of a role the park plays in both their lives as the plot progresses. Haha :p Teddy seems like he isn't used to sharing attention. But I suspect Christian would be gorgeous. He does have Veela blood AND he is Teddy's son after all (and I always picture Teddy as a handsome bloke! :p)

I do have some CC for you and I hope it does not seem to harsh.

Firstly, I thought the flow was a little choppy. You could improve this by working on your transitions. Try and make them smoother so that the chapter doesn't seem to be filled with many disconnected scenes. Connect the scenes and make them flow into each other and your story will be smoother :) (It will also help you bring up your word count, in case you wanted to!)

Secondly, like the first chapter, this one seemed rushed as well. I suppose this point could be connected to the point about the flow. Just work on your transitions and be a little more descriptive? Talk about Christian's growth and personality development. Delve further into the world of emotions (not just Teddy's, but also Christian's.) These are just a few examples. I think anything descriptive will certainly enhance your story :)

One thing I noticed was that you'd mentioned that Christian did not have Teddy's metamorphmagi abilities. Yet, you mentioned that he has green eyes. Now, as a metamorphmagus, Teddy has the ability to change his eye colour at will. So there seemed to be a small inconsistency there.

This sentence was a bit confusing for me because I think you've interchanged the pronouns :p (oops, happens!)
He had always liked it here when Teddy would bring him, and he knew Christian loved playing in the waves. --> I think this should say that Teddy always liked it when Victoire brought him there? That would make a little more sense to me :p

I also noticed a few typos and punctuation errors. I forgot to mention this earlier, but I noticed a few in the first chapter as well. They aren't to difficult to spot, so I'll leave that to you. I'm sure you can fix them :)

Overall, you've given us another enjoyable chapter (in a totally different way from the previous one) :) It would be great if you could flesh it out. I
still loved it. I totally get why Teddy is still grieving. *I* haven;t totally gotten over Vic's death yet, so seriously. How could he have? Oh, and one thing you seem to get spot on is chapter endings. You just know what's going to hit the hardest, don't you? That last line. Oh WOW. It was perfect and haunting and SO SAD. I LOVED IT!
Keep us the good work :) And thanks for swapping with me!

 Report Review

Review #4, by randomwriter 1: Life and Death

26th May 2014:
I CANNOT CONTROL THE FEELS RIGHT NOW I JUST CANNOT

Oh. What have you done to me?! *sobs* It just a short chapter you managed to take me through a roller coaster of emotions. At first, I was pleased about the baby. I expected it to be warm and fluffy and I just thought that it would be a happy story about the birth of their child and all the milestones they cross as parents.

Then I found it a little humourous; how Teddy was the one getting flustered while Victoire was going through labour, because usually it's the other way around. I still found the whole thing very sweet. I was actually smiling, but I could sense something going amiss. I don't know why, I just felt like something would happen, AND BAM. You dropped that bomb. I would never have imagined it in a million years. I actually stopped reading for a second to process what exactly happened, because I hadn't read the whole thing through. At first, I thought it was the son. That something was wrong with him, but that didn't feel right. As I read on, I felt more and more sad for Teddy. I can't imagine how hard it must be for him, to lose the love of his life, but still retain a piece of her through his child. I guess he'll have a tough time bringing him up without her help, but from how much you've given use here, I'm sure he'd make a loving, kind father. It is clear how much he loves his family. When he was begging and pleading to her dead form. I found myself wondering if there was truly nothing they could do. How utterly heartbreaking. Just. GAH.

I do have a few points of CC however. For me, I felt the whole thing was a little rushed. Everything happened pretty fast. I'd recommend fleshing it out a little by adding descriptions, with a special focus on emotions. This was emotionally heavy and the thought of having a child usually is, I suppose. So perhaps you could take us through how Teddy (and perhaps Victoire too) felt throughout the process? Maybe describe everything that has led upto this. Talk a little more about their love? (Though that would kick me harder in the feels now that I know what's going to happen :( ) I also thought that the process of childbirth could be a little more dragged out (without the gory details :p). Because here it seemed as if she went into labour, there was some nervousness, she reassured Teddy and they said it would take a little longer and suddenly the child was born. It was just very quick. You could also emphasise on his confusion when the healer came out, looking sad? It the emotions were more drawn out, this would be a lot more effective :)

Another thing I noticed was that Teddy was the only person in the hospital. Victoire comes from a big family and Harry practically fathered Teddy, so where were they during this vital moment? It just seemed odd that the Weasley family and even the Potters would be absent for an occasion as big as this. Surely at least Vic's immediate family and Andromeda, Harry, Molly and Arthur would show up? Let's not forget how Vic is the first grandchild on the Weasley side. They wouldn't want to miss the birth of her first born, would they?

And because I'm nitpcky and annoying, I have another point :p Please forgive me and ignore this point if you wish. It IS super, super nitpicky. Generally magical hospitals like Mungo's are for magical ailments. For something like childbirth, I suppose they'd have to go to a normal hospital? But this can be justified saying that by this time, wizards had set up hospitals in this field as well :p Also, when the child is born, I don't think they usher the father away? :p

Overall, I think you did a pretty good job. I ship Victoire and Teddy so hard and this was initially sweet, and eventually heartbreaking. Poor, poor Teddy! I can't fathom how he's going to cope now. I hope life is kind to him and their son, Christian :) Oh, and before I forget, I really thought that final interaction was very sweet. It was nice to see that the chapter ended on a hopeful note, even though it was so, so sad. A kick in a gut, but in a good way :) Nice work!

P.S- I probably should have seen it in the chapter name, but I really wasn't paying attention to THAT when I read this :p

 Report Review

Review #5, by Veritaserum27 1: Life and Death

22nd May 2014:
Hi! I'm here for the review swap!

Wow. This chapter was just... wow. I did not see that coming. Poor, poor Teddy. I think you did a stellar job describing Teddy's emotions. My heart ached for him. You could tell that he and Victoire were so close and excited for the baby.

The end scene was so sad and beautiful. The way you described it, Teddy felt so alone, but such love for his baby.

I think that you have set up for a good story, here. We already know that Teddy will have to overcome being a single dad and dealing with the loss of his true love.

I also think that you've written Teddy as a little bit clueless about babies so there might be some room for humor as well.

The only comment I can make is that maybe you could describe the point when Victoire goes into distress and Teddy is ushered out of the room a bit more. I didn't pick up on it during the first read and I had to go back and check. Maybe just one more sentence or description about it.

I love the baby's name. This looks to be the start of a great story!

Thanks for doing a review swap!

~Beth (Veritaserum27)

 Report Review

Review #6, by toomanycurls 1: Life and Death

22nd May 2014:
I don't think you coudl have hit me more in the feels if you tried. It's so heartbreaking to go from the joy of starting a family, the exhileration and hope, and then slam me with the death of a spouse. I mean, these are all the major events I'm hoping for/scared of in my life right now.

It was strange that Teddy didn't get to stay in the room with her. I kind of want more detail on what happened. It's frustrating that even with magic, they couldn't save her. Teddy's reaction to Victoire's body might have caused me to cry a little. Good job with that.

Teddy being able to be excited to see the baby, even after his wife dying, was a perfectly bittersweet moment.

Oof, I'm glad the rest of this isn't as sad as this chapter was.

Great job!!!

-Rose

 Report Review

Review #7, by Rumpelstiltskin 1: Life and Death

22nd May 2014:
Hey there :).

Okay, there are several things that I love about this so far. The first is Teddy's reaction to Victoire when he's woken from his sleep. He's panicked and excited and it's very endearing to see him so enthusiastic about the situation -- even to the point of nearly leaving the house in boxers and socks.

Then there's the bit of foreshadowing, as Victoire assures Teddy that everything will be fine, and that he shouldn't worry. It makes what happens all the more heart-breaking, because this is supposed to be a happy moment, where a family is created.

Instead, the readers are met with a truly heartbreaking scene, where Victoire is lost, and Teddy grieves. So many feels :(. I think you did a great job with his reaction, by the way. There are so many different reactions that you could have chosen, but this one feels just right.

As the tragedy is still settling, Teddy holds his son, and something tells me that it will be okay, eventually. It will be definitely interesting to see how Teddy manages to raise his son as a single parent.

It's so sad, and promising! Great job!

-Rumpel

 Report Review

Review #8, by teh tarik 3: What's So Fun About Slides?

28th April 2014:
Hi there! I'm here with your review. :)

So, I just read through all three chapters, and I think you've got a great start to a Teddy-centric story. It's quite rare to read fics about single fathers, so congrats on tackling this topic. Poor Teddy. He's such a devoted guy, but still reeling from Victoire's death. :( I love how dedicated and loving he is toward Christian, how he struggles sometimes, but still does his best over the years. I'm glad Christian has him as a father! I really enjoyed that bit in which you wrote him feeling uncomfortable that all the other mums pass him by and stop to talk to baby Christian, but hardly acknowledge him. It's a lovely bit of characterisation - it shows his discomfort, especially since it's usually the mum who's going about pushing the baby in the pram rather than the dad. Well, usually! :P

Little Christian is adorable! I love the way you've written him, and I think you've captured his baby voice very well. :P And I like that he feels he should be acknowledged; perhaps he feels that the role of the dad is overshadowed by the role of the mum in modern parenting? I dunno.

Natalie is indeed a very interesting OC. She's funny and a bit careless with her words, very 'out-there', which makes a nice contrast to Teddy, who's rather quiet and a little lost with his life. Is this going to be a Teddy/OC? I think Natalie would complement Teddy's character nicely! Also, I find it really interesting that she's not keen on having her own children, and yet dotes on Emily. I'm very interested to see how you'll develop their friendship / relationship.

Your story really sounds promising! It's a mixture of sad and sweet, love and loss, and I think you've maintained a great balance between the two. There's not too much soul-crushing angst, and you've shown that Teddy does indeed have a kind of resilience. I'm sure he'll turn out to be a great dad.

Great work! I'm so glad I had the chance to read this. :D

-teh

 Report Review

Review #9, by marauderfan 3: What's So Fun About Slides?

27th April 2014:
Review swap! I skimmed the first chapters so I could review this one for you, since it had no reviews yet.

The beginning was so sad with Victoire's death during childbirth :( But by this point it looks like Teddy has recovered somewhat. Obviously he still misses her but it feels like he has been able to move on.

I am glad he's making a friend though! Haha, and it's so true that going to the park with a little kid (or a dog) will instantly mean you make friends!

You know, I'd never considered how it might be hard for wizards to keep quiet about stuff like the war when in the presence of Muggles, especially in Teddy's case where his parents died in the war, the war played a huge part in his life... but what does he say to Muggles? Im glad you touched on that here, with Teddy's struggle to not give everything away.

Haha and I loved how Teddy lamented how everyone in his family is named after everyone else. I've always wondered that myself about the next generation :D Good for Teddy breaking the tradition.

Your dialogue between the characters is really good, though I think a little more description/action would complement it really nicely! I was a little unsure about the Lupin thing though, like Natalie seemed to make the association with werewolves out of nowhere, it was kind of an odd comment for her to make. Lupine is also a flower, in addition to being a word to describe wolves - so the fact that she zeroed in on werewolves just seemed odd to me. Maybe that's just me though!

Anyway, a great start to your story and I hope that Natalie's friendship helps Teddy in the recovery process from his wife's death! Lovely work on this so far.

 Report Review

Review #10, by newgenerationlover 3: What's So Fun About Slides?

26th April 2014:
Hi, here from the review swap!

I really like your story! Right now I'm usually reading humor fics, so this was a really nice change up. You have done a great job making this story flow, no awkwardness/forced-ness at all. Already shipping Teddy and Natalie! I thought you did a good job on Teddy's thoughts on dating- how he feels he just isn't ready. But you showed it in a not too in your face type of way which was good. Sorry if none of this is really making much sense, I'm kinda super tired right now haha. The only thing I would look back on if I were you is in the first chapter when Teddy finds out Vic died. All you said was there was a frown on the doctors face and thats how Teddy deduced his wife had died. There are so many things that can go wrong in child birth, usually with the baby- who I actually thought something happened to before the whole 'sheet over the body' thing. Maybe add like "There was a complication, sir, with your wife." Or something along those lines. Other than that I really liked it and I will check back for future chapters!

xoxo

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review! And it totally makes sense! I did go back and try to fix that in the first chapters. I'm really glad you liked my characters so much, especially Natalie. I was afraid no one would really like her or that she would be a bland character, so that makes me feel a lot better.
~Lily


 Report Review

Review #11, by Maybe 1: Life and Death

19th July 2012:
Oh! I was not expecting such an abrupt turning point in the first chapter! This was so sad. At the beginning I was thinking what a cute couple Teddy and Victoire make and I thought Victoire's calmness was a really interesting thing to do with the character. But now that I've read to the end the calmness feels foreboding and gives the chapter this edge that I really like. The emotions that Teddy felt were really well portrayed :(

- Emily

Hufflepuff Review Spree!

Author's Response: Thank you! ^.^ I'm so glad you like it! And her calmness is a bit foreboding, isn't it? Yeah, I totally did that on purpose...(or not, but I'll claim it). Thank you!

 Report Review

Review #12, by DemetersChild 1: Life and Death

2nd July 2012:
Hey! I'm so so sorry it's taken me ages to get around to this review. I don't know what happened--life, I suppose. Anywho, on to the review!

Even though this chapter was incredibly short, I really enjoyed reading it. There was a huge range of emotions in just a short amount of time. Excitement, fear, confusion, sorrow, and happiness. I got chills when I realized that Victoire was dead.

I do wish you had expounded on some of those emotions a bit. It would have been nice to be able to hear a few of Teddy's thoughts as he was waiting for his wife to give birth. Something to make it seem like the waiting really did feel like forever. There are so many things that are going through a father's mind during that time.

I was a bit confused as to why they took a car to the hospital. I'm pretty sure most wizards don't just have a car on-hand, especially wizards that don't have any Muggle parents.

I really liked the bit where Teddy's hair changes. That was cute and it made me chuckle a bit to picture him freaking out over the baby and not noticing that his hair had turned white.

Overall, I like it. It's a great first chapter because it introduces the main character, gives a good background of what happened, and it kept my interest.

Keep it up!

Dem

Author's Response: Thank you! I'll try to work on the emotion of the story as I can, and I'm glad you like it! And thank you for the review! It was really helpful!

 Report Review

Review #13, by SilentConfession 1: Life and Death

20th June 2012:
Hi! I'm here for your review! I'm excited that it didn't take me ages to get to it!

So my initial reaction to this was positive, so that's good. I think i generally liked it and i think it's an interesting start and a good hook because i know i'm interested in finding out more about what will happen to Teddy and his kid. Also, i don't read a lot of single parenting dad's in fanfic that much so it's refreshing to me. Not that i read a lot of pregnancy or baby fics at all but i do like this and how you jumped right into the action and emotion of the piece right away. That's such a great way to hook people into clicking the next button because they want to know what's going to happen next.

There were some little details in here that i liked a lot and added to the atmosphere of the story. Like how Teddy was rushing around and just being chaotic while it's Victoire who's being calm and nurturing to him. I think this was probably how their relationship was like a lot as well. I sort of imagine Teddy as this broody angsty guy who's just unsure of himself or life and needs someone like Victoire to nurture him and to make him feel alright with himself. I may be reading way to much into that though.

Now, on to the emotional part of this. I'm afraid that it didn't quite get there for me and i think if there was a little more description to get that emotional wagon moving than it would have been spot on. But i felt like it moved too fast and too suddenly. I'm happy that there were some happy moments that lead up to the moment, but the transition just didn't work for me and although i felt for Teddy, i didn't feel feel. I hope that makes sense. All you'd need is some small details that get across his yearning, his despair of that moment where his worst nightmare has happened.

Also, why did it suddenly go wrong? That felt weird and i questioned it and it brought me out of the story a bit to were i was intellectually critiquing the story rather than just enjoying the storytelling. There wasn't a scream or a crying out or anything to indicate that there was any problem. He was just suddenly getting pushed out. Even if you explored that moment and how he felt then might make this more emotionally impactful. Let the reader get inside Teddy, you know?

That's the only part that i felt could be fine tweaked so that the readers are really with Teddy and that moment. I also wanted more details... you know about Victoire and background to their relationship, but i feel like that doesn't need to happen here and i'm glad that they weren't actually. I'm sure the details will come later and the most important part part of this chapter is to get the reader interested in the story and not necessarily to overload them with information.

What I really liked at the end was how he held Victoire, that was really sweet and heart wrenching and showed his emotions well at that point. Also, how he didn't feel any animosity toward the baby but just wanted him. So sweet!

Anyway, i think this is getting long, really long so i'll stop, but i think you have a good story so far, great job. :D Thanks for requesting me and i hope that you found this helpful.

Author's Response: I do find it extremely helpful and now that I go back and look at it, I can see exactly what it is you mean about adding in the emotion. Thank you for such a wonderful review. I am so sorry for taking so long to respond and such a short response, but I'm not really sure what else to say. Thank you! ^.^


 Report Review

Review #14, by Moonyxluna 2: The Red Slide

7th June 2012:
Hi! Here with your requested review :)

It's good to see Teddy growing out of the loss of Victorie. I like that you started out with him still crying over Victorie and unable to sleep to growing through it. Even after two months it was good to see him taking Christian out and introducing him to the world. I also like that it connected just like a newborn that won't sleep through the night. It goes back to that him and Christian are in this together; I thought it was very sweet.

There was one thing I noticed.. I think it was more of a technical error than anything when you said Christian had Teddy's eyes.. You mentioned before that Christian hadn't gotten Teddy's metamorphic abilities so maybe just mention something like 'Teddy wore his eyes green' as a normal color, and he guessed that's where his son had gotten the trait from' - or something along those lines.

Natalie was nice so far, she seems like a really sweet person so far. I was sort of surprised she was introduced so quickly, so I'm interested to see how she's going to grow into a character that can help Teddy out of this mournful time in his life.

He had always liked it here when Teddy would bring him, and he knew Christian loved playing in the waves. -- this sentence was confusing to me. In the one before you are talking about Teddy staying for dinner, so the 'He' at the start of this one looks like you're still talking about Teddy. I think his name here either needs to be changed to 'Victorie' (like saying :Teddy always liked it here when Victorie brought him) or change the 'He' to Christian, (saying: Christian always liked it here when Teddy would bring him; he loved playing in the waves) Either one :)

I did like how you had him feel so haunted by being at Shell Cottage- even after all the time that Victorie has been gone it's sort of bittersweet to see that he still holds all of those memories so close to him.

One thing I can think that would help bring up the word count is to work on your transitions-- one example I can think is when Teddy apparates him and Christian to Shell Cottage- it would add more if you had him bring Christian around a corner, and even start in that toddler 'why' stage about why they had to hide. Right now it's sort of as if they just got off the swings and disappeared in front of all the muggles in the park. Just give that extra sentence here or there to make the jump from one part of the chapter to the next a little more defined, if that makes sense?

I think you have a really great story setup here, so keep it up! Re-request when the next chapter is posted :)

Author's Response: I'm glad you like it so far. I do see what you are talking about with the errors and I'll fix them...eventually, lol. And thanks for the tip on apparation and stuff. This review was amazing and I really appreciate it, even if it did take me months to get back to you!


 Report Review

Review #15, by SJC 2: The Red Slide

3rd June 2012:
Wow... The end just took me by complete surprise and tears came to my eyes. That one line sold me on the story. I really like the premise and Teddy's character. Update soon!

Author's Response: Thanks! I'm glad you like it so much! I'll update just as soon as Chapter 3 is written, I promise!

 Report Review

Review #16, by dirtydeedsdonedirtcheap 1: Life and Death

30th May 2012:
Hello! Dirtydeedsdonedirtcheap here with your requested review! So you wanted to know about the emotion in the first chapter and just an overall critique. Just so you know I tend to do a running review and then wrap everything up in the end. Hope you don't mind!

Let's get started.

He stopped and looked at her with a relieved smile. She giggled at the sight of him, in his boxers and socks.

I'm a sucker for pregnancy stories. Just so you know. I love babies! So my first critique is description. You do a good job focusing on Teddy. The mention of him in his boxers and socks is a nice touch. I would have liked to know more about Victoire though too. When he looked at her did he notice something off? Maybe a wince of pain or her breathing was heavier than normal? Maybe since he was only in his boxers and socks, running around the room, maybe he could have slipped a little. A small struggle thanks to the excitement.

Those little things count.

the witch gave him a bored look and did something with her wand.

^ 'the' needs to be capitalized to 'The'

"NO!" Teddy shouted, jerking his arm out of the Healers grip and running to the room. He knocked one of medi-witches down, but wasn't bothered to even look. The sheet was pulled up, and there were more medi-witches around, but they didn't try to stop him.

^ That's the description I'm looking for in the beginning of the chapter. This is such a powerful part and it made my heart drop because he was so excited in the beginning. I think if you really build on that excitement and describe it further to make us take more time to get to this point it would be even more powerful than it already is.

Oh, so now I've reached the end and I'm incredibly sad. Poor Teddy and Christian. I think the emotion was definitely there. My heart broke when he saw his son and said his name and then said it would be the two of them for now on. I can't even begin to imagine how he must be feeling.

To wrap up my main critique is description. Add in just little things and work on the transitions. I would have liked a bit more in the beginning like I said above and also when they were ushering Teddy out of the room. Maybe he was able to glance at Victorie right before the doors closed in front of him. Maybe his heart stopped because her lips were blue.

You know what I mean? Just a few little things here and there.

Thanks so much for requesting! If you have any questions/concerns feel free to PM me.

- Deeds

Author's Response: Description has never been one of my strong suits (along with grammar/spelling). I know I need to work on it, but thanks for pointing out where I did it right :) So I know sorta what I need to aim for. Thanks for the awesome review! I'll certainly keep everything you've said in mind.

 Report Review

Review #17, by Moonyxluna 1: Life and Death

30th May 2012:
Hi! Here with your requested review :)

This was a very heart wrenching start; the emotion came through beautifully. It was abrupt, in a good way, how things went from good, and even Victorie wasn't worried, to suddenly Teddy was being dragged from the room and he didn't know how or why. So, to answer your concern, defiantly yes on the emotion factor.

Victorie's peace at mind was very sad to go back and read after knowing what happened. The one mother who's not a wreck at delivery time, and tragedy happens. I thought it was well written in sort of a looming dread way.

The only criticism I could think of was why wasn't Victorie's family there? I know they probably wouldn't have the whole Weasley/Potter group there (that scene gets old anyway, having every family member show up in the hospital) but what about Bill and Fleur at the very least? It seemed strange that they would be there supporting him and Victorie at that time. Or maybe a mention that the labor came too quickly and they didn't have time to call family before the baby came.

I liked that you didn't have him hold any distain towards his son over losing Victorie. You've got a very interesting setup here to bring a character out of such an emotional tragedy to raise his son; plus from the summary, using another character to bring romance to help him move on will evoke emotions beautifully.

A medi-wizard lead him to a room filled with other baby's, and handed him the small babe. -- baby's shouldn't have an apostrophe here, and I think you meant 'baby' at the end, for if you go back and edit. Other than that I didn't notice anything grammar/punctuation wise.

Every story of yours I've ever read I've loved unconditionally, so I have a feeling this one will be no different. Please re-request when you get the next chapter posted!

Author's Response: So, to answer your question about why the fam wasn't there.I forgot about them. We'll just say they couldn't get the owl in time or whatever. :P

I thought about making Teddy hate the baby for a slpit second, but I really didn't like the idea at all. No matter what, it's his kid and stuff, ya know?

Thank you for another wonderful review! I love hearing your thoughts on stuff, even if you do make me wanna blush sometimes. :P

P.S. The next chapter is up now.


 Report Review

Review #18, by academica 1: Life and Death

30th May 2012:
Hi! I'm here with your requested review :)

I thought this made for an interesting introduction. Part of me wishes that I knew more about why Victoire didn't make it through the birth and why she chose the name Teddy gave to their son, but at the same time, I can see why leaving those details to be filled in later creates a good deal of suspense.

I did have a few little critiques that I wanted to point out. In the part where Victoire is being admitted to the hospital and the medi-wizards and witches are helping her out, it seemed a little repetitive to mention the Healers appearing more than once, in two back to back sentences. I think you could rephrase that or remove one sentence altogether. For the most part, the piece seems technically sound, but I noticed that in the sentence "a medi-wizard lead him to a room filled with other baby's", it should be "led" and "babies" instead.

I did feel like the emotion came through here. I could definitely feel Teddy's pain as he realized that Victoire was gone and he was going to have to raise their new baby on his own. Although this was definitely sad, I do wonder what is going to happen next and how this will evolve into a Teddy/OC.

Nice job! I hope this review is helpful!

-Amanda
Recenseo 2012

Author's Response: Thank you for the great review! I honestly am not planning to cover why it was that Victoire died, and I didn't because I was afraid it would be too graphic. As far as the name, it is vaguely french. Lol. Thanks for pointing out those other things too, I'll edit them when I update this chapter again.

I'm really glad the emotion came through for you. :) I wanted to really get it across to the reader, so thank you. :)


 Report Review

Review #19, by potterfan310 1: Life and Death

24th May 2012:
Awww This is really good so far, Poor Teddy.
I look forward to the next chapter as the plot seems interesting
-potterfan310

Author's Response: Thank you! I know, Teddy has it hard. But it will get better :)

 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login