Oh! I was not expecting such an abrupt turning point in the first chapter! This was so sad. At the beginning I was thinking what a cute couple Teddy and Victoire make and I thought Victoire's calmness was a really interesting thing to do with the character. But now that I've read to the end the calmness feels foreboding and gives the chapter this edge that I really like. The emotions that Teddy felt were really well portrayed :(
Hufflepuff Review Spree!Author's Response: Thank you! ^.^ I'm so glad you like it! And her calmness is a bit foreboding, isn't it? Yeah, I totally did that on purpose...(or not, but I'll claim it). Thank you! Report Review
Hey! I'm so so sorry it's taken me ages to get around to this review. I don't know what happened--life, I suppose. Anywho, on to the review!
Even though this chapter was incredibly short, I really enjoyed reading it. There was a huge range of emotions in just a short amount of time. Excitement, fear, confusion, sorrow, and happiness. I got chills when I realized that Victoire was dead.
I do wish you had expounded on some of those emotions a bit. It would have been nice to be able to hear a few of Teddy's thoughts as he was waiting for his wife to give birth. Something to make it seem like the waiting really did feel like forever. There are so many things that are going through a father's mind during that time.
I was a bit confused as to why they took a car to the hospital. I'm pretty sure most wizards don't just have a car on-hand, especially wizards that don't have any Muggle parents.
I really liked the bit where Teddy's hair changes. That was cute and it made me chuckle a bit to picture him freaking out over the baby and not noticing that his hair had turned white.
Overall, I like it. It's a great first chapter because it introduces the main character, gives a good background of what happened, and it kept my interest.
Keep it up!
DemAuthor's Response: Thank you! I'll try to work on the emotion of the story as I can, and I'm glad you like it! And thank you for the review! It was really helpful! Report Review
Hi! I'm here for your review! I'm excited that it didn't take me ages to get to it!
So my initial reaction to this was positive, so that's good. I think i generally liked it and i think it's an interesting start and a good hook because i know i'm interested in finding out more about what will happen to Teddy and his kid. Also, i don't read a lot of single parenting dad's in fanfic that much so it's refreshing to me. Not that i read a lot of pregnancy or baby fics at all but i do like this and how you jumped right into the action and emotion of the piece right away. That's such a great way to hook people into clicking the next button because they want to know what's going to happen next.
There were some little details in here that i liked a lot and added to the atmosphere of the story. Like how Teddy was rushing around and just being chaotic while it's Victoire who's being calm and nurturing to him. I think this was probably how their relationship was like a lot as well. I sort of imagine Teddy as this broody angsty guy who's just unsure of himself or life and needs someone like Victoire to nurture him and to make him feel alright with himself. I may be reading way to much into that though.
Now, on to the emotional part of this. I'm afraid that it didn't quite get there for me and i think if there was a little more description to get that emotional wagon moving than it would have been spot on. But i felt like it moved too fast and too suddenly. I'm happy that there were some happy moments that lead up to the moment, but the transition just didn't work for me and although i felt for Teddy, i didn't feel feel. I hope that makes sense. All you'd need is some small details that get across his yearning, his despair of that moment where his worst nightmare has happened.
Also, why did it suddenly go wrong? That felt weird and i questioned it and it brought me out of the story a bit to were i was intellectually critiquing the story rather than just enjoying the storytelling. There wasn't a scream or a crying out or anything to indicate that there was any problem. He was just suddenly getting pushed out. Even if you explored that moment and how he felt then might make this more emotionally impactful. Let the reader get inside Teddy, you know?
That's the only part that i felt could be fine tweaked so that the readers are really with Teddy and that moment. I also wanted more details... you know about Victoire and background to their relationship, but i feel like that doesn't need to happen here and i'm glad that they weren't actually. I'm sure the details will come later and the most important part part of this chapter is to get the reader interested in the story and not necessarily to overload them with information.
What I really liked at the end was how he held Victoire, that was really sweet and heart wrenching and showed his emotions well at that point. Also, how he didn't feel any animosity toward the baby but just wanted him. So sweet!
Anyway, i think this is getting long, really long so i'll stop, but i think you have a good story so far, great job. :D Thanks for requesting me and i hope that you found this helpful.Author's Response: I do find it extremely helpful and now that I go back and look at it, I can see exactly what it is you mean about adding in the emotion. Thank you for such a wonderful review. I am so sorry for taking so long to respond and such a short response, but I'm not really sure what else to say. Thank you! ^.^
Hi! Here with your requested review :)
It's good to see Teddy growing out of the loss of Victorie. I like that you started out with him still crying over Victorie and unable to sleep to growing through it. Even after two months it was good to see him taking Christian out and introducing him to the world. I also like that it connected just like a newborn that won't sleep through the night. It goes back to that him and Christian are in this together; I thought it was very sweet.
There was one thing I noticed.. I think it was more of a technical error than anything when you said Christian had Teddy's eyes.. You mentioned before that Christian hadn't gotten Teddy's metamorphic abilities so maybe just mention something like 'Teddy wore his eyes green' as a normal color, and he guessed that's where his son had gotten the trait from' - or something along those lines.
Natalie was nice so far, she seems like a really sweet person so far. I was sort of surprised she was introduced so quickly, so I'm interested to see how she's going to grow into a character that can help Teddy out of this mournful time in his life.
He had always liked it here when Teddy would bring him, and he knew Christian loved playing in the waves. -- this sentence was confusing to me. In the one before you are talking about Teddy staying for dinner, so the 'He' at the start of this one looks like you're still talking about Teddy. I think his name here either needs to be changed to 'Victorie' (like saying :Teddy always liked it here when Victorie brought him) or change the 'He' to Christian, (saying: Christian always liked it here when Teddy would bring him; he loved playing in the waves) Either one :)
I did like how you had him feel so haunted by being at Shell Cottage- even after all the time that Victorie has been gone it's sort of bittersweet to see that he still holds all of those memories so close to him.
One thing I can think that would help bring up the word count is to work on your transitions-- one example I can think is when Teddy apparates him and Christian to Shell Cottage- it would add more if you had him bring Christian around a corner, and even start in that toddler 'why' stage about why they had to hide. Right now it's sort of as if they just got off the swings and disappeared in front of all the muggles in the park. Just give that extra sentence here or there to make the jump from one part of the chapter to the next a little more defined, if that makes sense?
I think you have a really great story setup here, so keep it up! Re-request when the next chapter is posted :)Author's Response: I'm glad you like it so far. I do see what you are talking about with the errors and I'll fix them...eventually, lol. And thanks for the tip on apparation and stuff. This review was amazing and I really appreciate it, even if it did take me months to get back to you!
Wow... The end just took me by complete surprise and tears came to my eyes. That one line sold me on the story. I really like the premise and Teddy's character. Update soon!Author's Response: Thanks! I'm glad you like it so much! I'll update just as soon as Chapter 3 is written, I promise! Report Review
Hello! Dirtydeedsdonedirtcheap here with your requested review! So you wanted to know about the emotion in the first chapter and just an overall critique. Just so you know I tend to do a running review and then wrap everything up in the end. Hope you don't mind!
Let's get started.
He stopped and looked at her with a relieved smile. She giggled at the sight of him, in his boxers and socks.
I'm a sucker for pregnancy stories. Just so you know. I love babies! So my first critique is description. You do a good job focusing on Teddy. The mention of him in his boxers and socks is a nice touch. I would have liked to know more about Victoire though too. When he looked at her did he notice something off? Maybe a wince of pain or her breathing was heavier than normal? Maybe since he was only in his boxers and socks, running around the room, maybe he could have slipped a little. A small struggle thanks to the excitement.
Those little things count.
the witch gave him a bored look and did something with her wand.
^ 'the' needs to be capitalized to 'The'
"NO!" Teddy shouted, jerking his arm out of the Healers grip and running to the room. He knocked one of medi-witches down, but wasn't bothered to even look. The sheet was pulled up, and there were more medi-witches around, but they didn't try to stop him.
^ That's the description I'm looking for in the beginning of the chapter. This is such a powerful part and it made my heart drop because he was so excited in the beginning. I think if you really build on that excitement and describe it further to make us take more time to get to this point it would be even more powerful than it already is.
Oh, so now I've reached the end and I'm incredibly sad. Poor Teddy and Christian. I think the emotion was definitely there. My heart broke when he saw his son and said his name and then said it would be the two of them for now on. I can't even begin to imagine how he must be feeling.
To wrap up my main critique is description. Add in just little things and work on the transitions. I would have liked a bit more in the beginning like I said above and also when they were ushering Teddy out of the room. Maybe he was able to glance at Victorie right before the doors closed in front of him. Maybe his heart stopped because her lips were blue.
You know what I mean? Just a few little things here and there.
Thanks so much for requesting! If you have any questions/concerns feel free to PM me.
- DeedsAuthor's Response: Description has never been one of my strong suits (along with grammar/spelling). I know I need to work on it, but thanks for pointing out where I did it right :) So I know sorta what I need to aim for. Thanks for the awesome review! I'll certainly keep everything you've said in mind. Report Review
Hi! Here with your requested review :)
This was a very heart wrenching start; the emotion came through beautifully. It was abrupt, in a good way, how things went from good, and even Victorie wasn't worried, to suddenly Teddy was being dragged from the room and he didn't know how or why. So, to answer your concern, defiantly yes on the emotion factor.
Victorie's peace at mind was very sad to go back and read after knowing what happened. The one mother who's not a wreck at delivery time, and tragedy happens. I thought it was well written in sort of a looming dread way.
The only criticism I could think of was why wasn't Victorie's family there? I know they probably wouldn't have the whole Weasley/Potter group there (that scene gets old anyway, having every family member show up in the hospital) but what about Bill and Fleur at the very least? It seemed strange that they would be there supporting him and Victorie at that time. Or maybe a mention that the labor came too quickly and they didn't have time to call family before the baby came.
I liked that you didn't have him hold any distain towards his son over losing Victorie. You've got a very interesting setup here to bring a character out of such an emotional tragedy to raise his son; plus from the summary, using another character to bring romance to help him move on will evoke emotions beautifully.
A medi-wizard lead him to a room filled with other baby's, and handed him the small babe. -- baby's shouldn't have an apostrophe here, and I think you meant 'baby' at the end, for if you go back and edit. Other than that I didn't notice anything grammar/punctuation wise.
Every story of yours I've ever read I've loved unconditionally, so I have a feeling this one will be no different. Please re-request when you get the next chapter posted!Author's Response: So, to answer your question about why the fam wasn't there.I forgot about them. We'll just say they couldn't get the owl in time or whatever. :P
I thought about making Teddy hate the baby for a slpit second, but I really didn't like the idea at all. No matter what, it's his kid and stuff, ya know?
Thank you for another wonderful review! I love hearing your thoughts on stuff, even if you do make me wanna blush sometimes. :P
P.S. The next chapter is up now. Report Review
Hi! I'm here with your requested review :)
I thought this made for an interesting introduction. Part of me wishes that I knew more about why Victoire didn't make it through the birth and why she chose the name Teddy gave to their son, but at the same time, I can see why leaving those details to be filled in later creates a good deal of suspense.
I did have a few little critiques that I wanted to point out. In the part where Victoire is being admitted to the hospital and the medi-wizards and witches are helping her out, it seemed a little repetitive to mention the Healers appearing more than once, in two back to back sentences. I think you could rephrase that or remove one sentence altogether. For the most part, the piece seems technically sound, but I noticed that in the sentence "a medi-wizard lead him to a room filled with other baby's", it should be "led" and "babies" instead.
I did feel like the emotion came through here. I could definitely feel Teddy's pain as he realized that Victoire was gone and he was going to have to raise their new baby on his own. Although this was definitely sad, I do wonder what is going to happen next and how this will evolve into a Teddy/OC.
Nice job! I hope this review is helpful!
Recenseo 2012Author's Response: Thank you for the great review! I honestly am not planning to cover why it was that Victoire died, and I didn't because I was afraid it would be too graphic. As far as the name, it is vaguely french. Lol. Thanks for pointing out those other things too, I'll edit them when I update this chapter again.
I'm really glad the emotion came through for you. :) I wanted to really get it across to the reader, so thank you. :)
Awww This is really good so far, Poor Teddy.
I look forward to the next chapter as the plot seems interesting
-potterfan310Author's Response: Thank you! I know, Teddy has it hard. But it will get better :) Report Review
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