"Lestrangement" made me chuckle. :)
This was a short chapter, but it was full of lovely description, and it got me thinking about Andromeda and her place in the Lestrange family, which is something I hadn't given much thought to before.
I'm guessing that you wanted to leave things a little vague in your intro to give an aura of mystery, that kind of thing. I usually like to see at least a line of dialogue in a chapter, but I think it's okay not to have one here. I think the chapter could be improved by adding some more of Andromeda's actual thoughts though. Getting into her head a bit more would ground readers in the story, and help them to identify with Andromeda.
Faux Report Review
I was looking at your Authorís Page, and this story grabbed me straight away. Iím fascinated by Andromeda - she has this incredibly romantic and tragic story, but she really just lurks in the background of the books, disapproving of Harry and fearing for her family. I must say, I love the title. A little stroke of wordplay genius there.
I was slightly worried when I first started reading, because there are a lot of colours mentioned in the first few lines, and it almost seemed overdone - but then it actually set the scene so beautifully in my mind that I realised youíve used the colours to great effect, and theyíre the main part of your imagery here. They make us focus on Andromedaís face and her goal (the red door) rather than any other surroundings.
The final line of your first paragraph is what really drew me in. Youíve set up this image of a young woman who sounds almost like the White Witch of Narnia, quite glamorous and beautiful - who promptly curls up in a ball and cries. I really think youíve done a great job throughout this chapter of giving us just enough to make us want more. Youíre making me ask questions, and Iíve said it reviews before, I love stories that make me ask questions! (Particularly if theyíre eventually answered!)
Poor Andromeda. Without knowing exactly whatís happened, I still feel sorry for her. That sense of having to get on with life, even when it all seems to be falling apart, can be really isolating. The line about dark thoughts as vultures was inspired!
I really like the casual way you involve magic in this. Many stories use magic only when itís necessary for the plot, but thatís not true to JKR or to the world weíre writing about - itís really a part of their everyday life. The little ball of light actually reminded me of Hermione. So, there I am, feeling sorry for Andromeda, having fuzzy feelings about magic and Hermione etc, and BAM. Intruder in the garden. Glass shatters. Moonlight. Scary - and nicely done.
This chapter ended so abruptly (Iíll admit to not looking at the word count!) and it surprised me, but in a good way. I want to know whatís going to happen! Is Andromeda in danger? Whoís on the lawn? See? More questions! I hope youíll add to this story in the future. Report Review
Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas (not yet!)!. I am here earlier than normally because this year I'm packed full and can't make all my appointments if I don't have an early start. And we wouldn't want anyone to remain without their presents now would we?
I am nothing but an old and wheezy fool but even someone like me can tell that you're off to a great start. I see it's been more than a few months already since you last updated this story and I do wonder why. You've got a very nice start right here so why abandon it when it hasn't properly started yet?
I enjoyed the pace of this little creation. It was very moderate, combining both a fast tempo highlighted by Andromeda's mounting urgency to reach home (I'm still wonder what happened before the moment this story takes place in as I have a feeling she fought with her sisters) and a light rhythm accentuated by Andromeda's desperate thoughts after she finally reaches the safety of her house.
As all of the chapter mostly consists of description I must praise it because it was well handled. You chose your words very good, careful not to overburden the prose with needless artistry but enough to create the needed imagery to empathize with Andromeda. I do wonder what has happened to her that she feels so distressed. Please continue. Make Santa happy too!Author's Response: Hey Santa! I hope you had a nice Christmas, you know, not too busy and all.
I'm really glad that you liked this, Santa, although with the New Year approaching, I feel like there may be a new chapter on the horizon... or not. :P
I'm really glad that there was a balance between the fast paced dramz, and the stillness and calm inside her mind once she arrived home, Santa.
Description, Santa, is something that I feel is lacking in my stories, due to the low word count. I'm glad that you didn't yearn for more description, as I often feel like I'm knocking on the door of boredom.
acciohpff Report Review
Alright first I must say that I'm so sorry that it's taken me this long to read and review your story.
I really enjoyed this chapter! I thought that it was very well written and as you asked me to focus on description all I can say is that it was amazing! You did a great job with it in this chapter! Even from the very first sentence you had me hooked in and the description started right away. I think you have a great beginning on your hands and hope that you do decide to continue writing this story as it seems like a great idea and that it has lots of promise to be a great story. I loved how you ended this chapter with the hooded figure standing outside her place. It leaves a nice feeling of suspense and wonder for the readers making them want to read on and find out what will happen for Andromeda. Great Job!
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: Hey Erica!
Thanks for the review- I'm really glad that you enjoyed it! I asked you to focus on description as I feel that it is a weakness of mine, especially because a low word count is a feature of all of my work. I'm really glad that you found ample description in this chapter.
I find it ever less likely that I will review, but if I do, I'll be back to request another review from you.
teh Scotteh. Report Review
Hi darling! I've been meaning to attack your page with review since the reviewing competition to thank you for being our lovely champion. So here I am!
I love the Black sisters, so that initially intrigued me. And I'm so very glad it did because any time a section of words (under a thousand I believe) can grab me the way this has, means I've found a good story. Except there aren't any more chapters, so now I'm a bit angry at you.
Anyway, you conveyed all of her emotional distress with using no dialogue and all detail. I think that is what really struck out at me. I had an amazingly vivid picture and I felt my heart break for her. Now I'm sitting here half wanting to message you and say, WHY IS SHE SO SAD? but I'll try to control myself.
You have a captivating and intriguing writing style, I look forward to reading more!
JamiAuthor's Response: Hey Jami! Thanks for the review- although it really wasn't necessary! :)
I'm really glad that this intrigued you- I really struggle with opening chapters, and generally any chapter after that, hence the lack of any other chapters.
I'm really glad that I managed to build such a vivid picture in so few words, but now I feel bad that you were upset for her! :P
I'm glad you enjoyed it though- thanks!
acciohpff Report Review
I know it has been a while since you read this and updated but I just wanted to take a quick read again. I forgot how smoothly you write :) There's something about your syntax that I simply adore, and it's something that sets you a part from other writers. I'm not sure what it is, you just have this distinctive style in your descriptions that really adds a lot to the story.
i thought you did an excellent job depicting Andromeda's stress and sadness. I know that was something you were a little worried about when you wrote it but it reads very nicely. My favorite thing about this chapter is the description of her thoughts swirling like vultures. That most definitely is what anxiety and worry feels like and I thought that was a fantastic analogy.
Great job, you should consider updating this soon *hint hint nudge nudge* :D
AshAuthor's Response: Hey Rita! Thanks for the review-
A syntax that you completely adore? Ahh, thanks frund. I'm not sure how it happens, but I kind of make a big deal (maybe too big a deal) about how a sentence flows when I read it in my head. Anyway...
I feel like maybe I was stabbing in the dark a little with describing her feelings, but I'm really glad that it turned out a good metaphor for her troubles.
Thanks again frund! Report Review
You requested this review awhile ago, but between RL and holiday, I haven't had the time to fill the request until now. I was going to finish it up during the review competition, but then you were appointed our Champion, so I figured I'd wait until the task was over.
At any rate: here is your review. In the future, please shy away from "general review" or "general feedback" when requesting from me. ;) I just like knowing what exactly the person is concerned about, you know? You did include specifics as well, though, so I forgive you. :P
I think that this is a really promising first chapter. You did a nice job setting the mood with your description; putting Andromeda aside (for a moment), you spent a lot of time on the actual setting, especially early on, and I think it paid off. I had a clear picture of the scene in my mind as I read the first paragraph, and I could understand why it had the effect on her that it did. You creeped me out, and I was glad that she was running for the door!
I also really got a sense of Andromeda's emotional state throughout the chapter. Obviously part of that is because you explicitly outlined what her emotional state is (crying, insomnia, etc), but part of it was just what you conveyed from how you described her actions and thought processes. That helped the character really come to life for me, which I liked.
However, all of that said, there were some things I think you could improve on.
The first thing I want to mention - and this is really more a matter of personal taste than anything else - is the length of your paragraphs. It's not wrong to have longer paragraphs, of course, but I think that breaking them up more would allow you to put more emphasis on specific things. That was especially true in the last paragraph; the last sentence would have stood out and been much more dramatic if you'd made it its own sentence, but as is, it just felt like an add-on to her getting water - which isn't the sentiment I think you were going for, though I could be wrong.
Additionally, as I mentioned, I like the first paragraph, and I feel like it's very effective in pulling the reader (or at least, this reader) into the story. However, there were a few points where I felt like your word choice or phrasing was a bit awkward. Drawing attention to her eyes and lips was good, but I wish you'd done it in a slightly different way. If the streetlight was dim, how did it provide enough light to show the colour of her eyes or lips with the vividness that you're describing? I also wished that you'd pushed a little further and given more information about what she was wearing. That generally doesn't really matter much to me, but here it was relevant because you were talking about how cold it was and how that was affecting her. A little more detail there would have really made the paragraph pop (so to speak).
Honestly, I think you could have used a little more detail, anyway. You had a fair amount of it, but I felt a little lost about what exactly is going on with Andromeda, and a few hints would have been nice. It's the difference for me between intrigue and confusion - there wasn't any hint that I saw (though maybe I missed it) about what exactly was bothering her so much, and I felt like you needed that. It didn't have to be much - just a mention of feeling abandoned or seeing a picture on the wall that made her cry or freaking out because the door squeaking brought back a memoryÖ something, you know?
On the whole, though, this was a nice first chapter. I'm sorry again for the delay, and I hope I was helpful! :) Report Review
Whoa! This is totally awesome, Scott. *bows down to your awesome powers of writing*
My canon knowledge of Andromeda is a little hazy, but I'm guessing she's left the Blacks? (thanks story summary)
But your writing is totally fantastic and WOOP for the mother of all cliffhangers! Can't wait for chapter two :P
-JennyAuthor's Response: Jenny!
My awesome powers of writing? Are you sure you've been reading my stories? :P
In all seriousness, I'm glad that you liked it and hopefully there might be a chapter two soon.
Scott Report Review
Hi there! I'm here with your requested review!
I think you did a great job with this prologue. It's technically sound and I really liked your imagery. It was nice how you used Andromeda's surroundings to describe her appearance, and I also liked how you focused in on the details of her evening, all the way up until the end. It drew me in and made me understand why she felt like it went on forever. Speaking of the end, I loved the suspense, and I'm definitely curious to see what will happen next. (Oh, and as a side note, I'm now picturing your Andromeda as Irene from BBC's Sherlock. Don't ask.)
Overall, I thought this flowed well. I can't decide whether I wish it was longer or not. On the one hand, I think it's quite nice as is, but on the other, I think it would have been interesting to see Andromeda interact with her sisters in the middle of the night. However, it seems like you're trying to deviate from the typical three-sisters storyline with this piece, and I think that's a very good move.
Well, this review certainly isn't as long as most of the ones that I leave, but I don't have much critique to provide and I think I've hit all my usual points. Nice job, and feel free to re-request if you like once you've got more of the story posted.
Great work! I hope this review is helpful :)
Recenseo 2012Author's Response: Hi! Thanks for the review!
I'm really glad you enjoyed this chapter! Generally I think that length of a chapter is something that I tend to struggle with- I don't seem to be able to include more than I do before I decide the cut off point- I think that's definitely a target for me.
I'm really glad that you liked the whole suspense side of the story though- I hope it kept your interest enough to consider reading a second chapter.
Scott Report Review
Here with your review request. I have to admit that after reading this chapter I am left feeling a bit confused. I liked the way you ended the chapter because it made the reader want to read more to see who the dark figure is and why are they on her lawn, but to be truthful the rest of the chapter doesn't give the reader much to go on. All we know right now is that she lives alone and is afraid of something but not sure what it is.
In the first paragraph you have her running to get inside but the way it is written it seems to be that she is running to get inside because of the cold. However if that was the case then she wouldn't have crawled into a ball and cried, so I am left wondering about the true reason she was running to get inside.
You mention dark thoughts and words whispered over and over in her mind, but no actual mention of what those dark thoughts are or the words. I was left wanting to know more and that the chapter was missing something to really draw in the reader. Right now there is only a bare min of details and I have no clue what this story is going to be about.Author's Response: Hey Ashling!
Thanks for the review! I feel like you've addressed a few key questions that I ought to go back and review now. In my head, she was running to get someplace where she could let her feelings out, because of a previous encounter.
I think the aim of this was to try and withhold a lot of the details, but I think that perhaps I tried to hold back too much.
Thanks for reviewing!
acciohpff Report Review
Ah! New story from Scott! So exciting! :D
This was a really great start. I love the whole mystery of the hooded figure and Andromeda's rush to get to the whole. I am intrigued and insist on reading more, so I cannot wait for an update. :)
Sam.Author's Response: Hey Sam! I'm glad you found this chapter interesting, and I'd be interested to see your thoughts when the next chapter's up.
Thanks for the review! Report Review
Finally! I've been looking for an Andromeda Black story for AGES now! There are hardly none online, they're almost like George/Angelina fanfics! :o
Anyway, this was so smooth adn so detailed that I was so annoyed when it ended! But you've given us quite a bit to go on for the remainder of teh story. Mystery and curiosity of course! Will be looking for more of this and let me know when you can on my site or I'll just breeze through and search myself. :D
GabbieAuthor's Response: Hi! Thanks for the review!
I'm glad you enjoyed this chapter, and I definitely agree about the lack of stories about Andromeda. Hopefully I'll add another chapter sometime soon! Thanks again :) Report Review
Powerful first chapter, I loved the description that you gave us of Andromeda and the last line left me wanting for more!
I love it, it's smooth and full of imagery so I have decided I want this on my favorites :) (I hope you update soon. )Author's Response: I'm glad you enjoyed this chapter! Hopefully I'll get another chapter up for you soon.
Thanks for the review, and thanks for favourite-ing this! Report Review
I'd forgotten what a lovely smooth writing style you have due to lack of general reading, I think. But this really was a pleasure to read and as you've promised regular updates and it's all ready oh-so-intriguing I'm definitely adding this to my favourites.
I love the title, by the way. I saw it and it made me do a little I-love-words sort of jig. Very clever and fabulous. The whole estrangement lestrange thing... Ack! I love the english language.
And this was a really interesting first chapter too with hints of an even more interesting following chapter. Nice air of mystery and what not. Yeah, it was great.
-HelenAuthor's Response: Thanks Helen! I'm so pleased that you liked this!
I love your writing style and work, so I'm really pleased that there's something that you like about my writing style too :)
I will hopefully have fairly frequent, regular updates with this, so the intrigue will hopefully be revisited :D You've added this to your Favourites? Wow- thank you! :D
The title? I'm glad you liked it :D I like puns, although I wasn't entirely sure if I wanted to use that as the title or not :P
-Scott Report Review
Really powerful first chapter. I've never seen a fic with Andromeda before, so this'll be really interesting :) Great ending, can't wait for the next chapter!Author's Response: Thanks for coming to review this!
I'm really pleased that you liked it, and I hope you keep following the story :)
Thanks again! Report Review
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