There's such an air of mystery around this entire chapter. It was actually kind of spooky but I love where the story is going so far. The ending was a good cliffhanger because it left the reader wanting to read more and to see what was going on.

Your grammar and punctuation was good and I've got this sense that Persephone is a bit of a stubborn person who may or may not be hotheaded.

Your flow was great and there were no choppy or awkward sentences either so great job on that!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review!!

This was my first chapter of fanfiction EVER, and so I spent a lot of time trying to make it flow nicely. I wanted Persephone to be a really independent sort of character, despite her age and her time period. Hopefully in later chapters (that I have yet to post!), her character will round out.

Thank you again for your lovely review! :)

~UnluckyStar57

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This was fantastic! While answering a very few of my previous quesitons, you added around twenty more. I'm dying to know more about the connection between David and Persephone. Ugh! I can't take the mystery! Very good on your part, you seem to have a knack for mystery, never allowing me to truly understand your characters and your plot until the very end (or at least until you want me to). It's happened with both the stories of yours that I've read. Who knows- maybe you'll be the next Agatha Christie. You certainly seem to have the skill for it.

Happy writing,
classicblack

Author's Response: Hahaha, I don't know about me being the next Agatha Christie! This story is mysterious, but maybe that's because even I don't know what will happen next!! It's kind of awkward, but the story writes itself for me, and it won't let me be transparent.

Also, yes... It does seem that I have written two stories in which the characters are not revealed until the end. My apologies!! I really am not a mysterious person... I like humor better, but I'm not funny, so I can't write it!

But anyway, thank you again for your review!!!

~UnluckyStar57

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Hey there! Sorry it's taken me a little while to get around to reviewing, life tends to be annoying and hectic ;)

I really enjoyed this opener! It certainly created a feeling a mystery and suspense and shot aobut ten questions at me about the plot, which is always good for keeping a reader around. What's the Society? Who is our narrator? What's up with her family? Does Arnold have some secret feelings for her (okay that ones a bit far-fetched...)? I'm definitely looking forward to reading more to get the answers to some of these quesitons.

One again, excellent description and very nice ending to the chapter. It was final and dramatic and made you want to know what it was time for.

Happy writing,
classicblack

Author's Response: Hi!! It's really alright that it took you awhile... I keep people waiting on my review thread all the time. (Which isn't very good of me!)

I'm very glad you enjoyed the opening, and I'm super glad that you have so many questions. This chapter is really vague, and in some ways, that's not such a bad thing. However, it does keep you guessing a lot, and that can be quite frustrating. I know it is for me, and I'm the author of it!!

Thank you for your review!

~UnluckyStar57

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I'm so confused and yet, in love. I found the amount of detail perfect, from the rain dripping down the window to the slippery door frame she grasped as she pulled herself into the carriage.

I think that by not lingering too long on the physical features on the people made it more intriguing than if you had chosen to do something else. I would encourage to slowly feed more information to your readers though. But only enough to satisfying some of their curiosity as this is something that will get me coming back.

I am very interested to where this story is going to go, and looking forward to seeing how this plot will develop as it seems beautifully intricate and dark. Definitely my type of story!

Keep up the good work,
graylady01

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review! I'm sorry that I didn't get back to you sooner... It's been quite a busy January!

I'm very glad that you enjoyed my use of minimal detail and intrigue... I certainly hope it was enough to keep you interested, but I promise that there will be more description in the coming chapters!

~UnluckyStar57

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I'm back for another review.

As I mentioned in my previous review, I am very impressed by the originality and unique storyline present in this fanfiction. These chapters are certainly very interesting, and I must encourage you to continue writing.

The plot was excellent - it really kept me in suspense. You jumped right into the action with your first chapter, which captivated me from the very beginning, but didn't provide much of an explanation of what had occurred prior to these events. I'm assuming that you were aiming for this air of mystery, and such things will be revealed in future chapters, but I'm not very good at waiting for chapter updates. Please update soon! Additionally, your flow was also outstanding and the events transitioned nicely from one to the next.

I found the detail in this chapter to be perfectly balanced with the amount of dialogue - you described her descent into the house, each of the directors, and the room where she was sworn into the society perfectly. I was very impressed.

Great job!

Author's Response: What? Another highly praise-filled review from you?! Wowza! When I requested a review from you, I thought that you would absolutely rip this story to shreds... It's the sort of thing that I don't necessarily like, but I find it necessary to become better at writing.

But this review gives me a lot to think about, as well! I realize that there isn't much backstory, but fear not!! I have planned a bit for the next chapter (when I write it...). I will try my best to get it on the site in maybe late January? However, that might not be possible, because real life is very trying. :p

Anyways, thank you for complimenting the detail and dialogue balance, which is something that I've had to work very hard to achieve. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

And yes, from me, you can have the virtual Internet hug that you claim to need. (I just love your penname... It makes me laugh!) :)

~UnluckyStar57

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It's Voldy Needs a Hug here with your review!

I was blown away by this chapter. I really had no idea what to expect as the summary was vague and the characters, era, and pairings no more informative. You did an excellent job of creating a suspenseful, interesting opening to your fanfiction that is sure to captivate readers.

I loved your descriptions throughout the chapter. They weren't elaborate and over the top or short and rushed. They accurately painted a scene for readers to visualise, while leaving some of the picture up to one's imagination.

This chapter was relatively short and didn't contain a great deal of plot, but I was immediately hooked. The cliff hanger and mysterious society are intriguing, and convincing me to continue reading. Your transitions were also flawless.

Spectacular job!

Author's Response: Hi, Voldy Needs a Hug!!

I'm sorry that I haven't replied to your reviews yet... Life has been busy!

But oh, I could just hug you for all of your praise!! Thank you for enjoying the first chapter, even though it's extremely short and there isn't any backstory or plot. It was my first foray into the fanfiction realm, and so I didn't know what I wanted to do with it until I really got into it.

Thanks so very much!!

~UnluckyStar57

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Alright, back for chapter 2! Let's see what new bits of information we can glean...

Ooh! So much suspense and intrigue in this one. A few answers and a bunch of new questions. You are a really good storyteller.

It was interesting to see Arnold change his tune in this chapter. It's as though he feels badly for Persephone. I got the feeling that he's probably not one of the higher-ranking members of the Society, and mentoring her was not a task that he relished. His final words to her certainly sounded like a warning.

I liked the introduction of the Directors. Each was menacing in his own way. Bramble came across like the aging brawler. A man whose best days are well behind him but who nobody wants to mess with because of who he used to be and the fact that he's probably forgotten more about fighting then most people will ever know. Knockturn is obviously the mastermind of the Society, the deep thinker and crafty plotter. I immediately wondered whether Knockturn Alley was named for him. Warrick seemed especially menacing. He oozed the sort of twisted genius of a man who's amoral and capable of anything. Kind of a Josef Mengle vibe.

Throughout her induction, the scene dripped antipathy and misogyny. The numerous references to her gender made it plainly clear that most of the members don't want her there. As sketchy and downright dangerous as the Society and its objectives were made to sound, there was also a surprisingly forward-looking element, at least where the Directors were concerned. Regardless of what the other members think, the Directors have made their peace with the fact that a woman is able to bring something new and powerful to the table.

The rules of the Society were as simple as they were brutal. It reminded me of the demands that Voldemort places on a prospective Death Eater before they take the Dark Mark. Persephone's thoughts make it clear that she feels very reluctant about agreeing to their demands, but she doesn't have any choice. Unfortunately for her, they cement her oath with the Unbreakable Vow. Now it seems that if she is at all disloyal to them, she will die.

And we have some new questions. Not least, who is David Weatherly and what is his role in the Society? Why does he seem to have such a strong aversion to Persephone? Is it because he dislikes her or merely the fact that he dislikes her joining the Society. There could be any number of reasons for that, not least of all his concern for her safety. It's just way too early to tell about him, but the fact that he was the recipient of her Unbreakable Vow holds open some possibilities. If he were to break his side of it, he would die, but would that also not release her from her side of the vow? Just a thought...

Once again, I can't find a thing wrong with your writing. It's a pleasure to read. I've come to the end, at least for now. I'm interested to see what you cook up next!

Happy Holidays!

Author's Response: Thank you again for another awesome review!

I definitely did name the Director "Knockturn" with the intention of circling back around to Knockturn Alley sometime, hah!! I thought it would be interesting, and it makes for an ominous surname. :)

The Directors seemed forward thinking, though I tried to make them as stuffy and resistant as possible. I guess what they wanted to tell me was that they accepted Persephone's power, but not her gender. I'm not sure if my intentions were clear in the story, but I hope it translated to something at least halfway understandable.

Your questions are very compelling!! There are some things you've asked that I haven't had much time to think about, what with real life getting in the way and all that. I wrote David into the story, intending him to be the main source of Persephone's emotional turmoil once the story really picks up steam... As to whether or not there's a ship in the harbor for them, I don't know. (Haha, I'm stupidly attracted to puns.) At this point, they've got a lot of animosity and betrayal. Forgiveness doesn't seem like an option, I think.

As for David dying and releasing her from the Vow... Thanks for that question!! You definitely just gave me a lot to think about for later on in the story!!

Thanks for your wonderfully fantabulous review!!

~UnluckyStar57

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Ho, ho, ho! This is your Holiday Review Swap Extravaganza Thingee review!

You have a very interesting lead-in to your story. Since the options you've selected (Era, Characters, Ships) tell us essentially nothing about what to expect, we're left to try to piece it all together based on what we read. It's quite a bit different from coming into a story knowing, at least, who the players are and how the surrounding back story reads. I enjoyed the process of reading very carefully and trying to put the pieces together.

Persephone and Arnold seem to exist in bygone times. The simple fact that they travel by horse and carriage is a pretty strong indication. His sexist attitude toward her -- as well as the men in the Leaky Cauldron -- also suggests a different era. It appears that he has been grooming her for some sort of secret society, and not in the nicest or most constructive of ways. She makes it clear that she isn't joining purely because she wants to. She believes that it will keep her family safe. From what, we can only guess at this point.

Your writing was really elegant. The tone and the formality of your word choice and phrasing seemed to fit the time period well. Everything flowed smoothly and there were no typos or grammatical errors that I could see. The descriptions were crisp and vivid and it was easy to picture the events in my mind.

Well, since this was a relatively short introductory chapter, I don't think there's any point in stopping here. Let's see what chapter 2 has in store...

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your wonderful analysis of my story!!

As for the selection options... I suppose I've chosen to set this story in an odd time period, but I can tell you that if I ever get a chance to sit down and write the next few chapters, it'll have at least one or two canon characters. I'm still getting to that, though, and life gets in the way so much. :P

Thank you for saying my writing is elegant. Sometimes it feels rather clunky, and your kind words make it seem a lot better than it is. :)

~UnluckyStar57

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Hello! This is GrangerDanger76 from the RC review battles for team blue!

First off, this is WONDERFULLY written! Like... WOAH. I got chills reading it. I am emensly interested in it, this society thing, I really want to read more.
I love the ellusiveness of your MC, she is so far from being Mary-Sue ish, which is bloody fantastic to say the least.

Seriously, great job! :)

Author's Response: Thank you!! I'm so glad you enjoyed my little story. :)

Please do read on, if you so choose. :D

~UnluckyStar57

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Hi darling! So began reading chapter 1, then realized after the first few sentences I'd already read it! So I'm here to do two for the Holiday Swap :)

I love how you stick with the old times feeling in this. Maids at the door, knockers, large ceilings.. It all feels very medieval and I really love that.

I'm just as curious about this society as I was back when I read the first chapter! It's very clearly not a good thing, and something Persephone never had a chance at getting away from. I do hope you continue this story, because these first few chapters really are very interesting and original.

I think you get in a decent amount of detail, especially considering this is first person. I'm also impressed with how well you hold her narrative voice. From the first chapter on it stays the same, and she seems like a very solid character so far.

I loved that you used the Unbreakable vow. It reminded me that we were in the Harry Potter world. And the constant reminders of her being a woman. You could tell she'd dealt with being looked down, thought lesser of, because of her gender for some time now.

I really enjoyed this second chapter, m'dear!

Jami

Author's Response: Thankyouthankyouthankyou!!

I'm really glad that you liked the second chapter, and I'm glad that I was able to keep the voice constant. I was kind of worried that this chapter would be a bit wonky, and so it took me MONTHS to finally get it posted.

And I hope that I can keep up this story, too. So far, I haven't started the third chapter, boohoo. :(
It would really be an awesome thing to do with my time, but alas, I have no time...

Ah, well. Thank you for all of your lovely compliments!! :D

Merry Christmas!

~UnluckyStar57

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Hi it's potterweasleygranger from the review thread here to give you a review.

This is a great start to what seems like a mysterious, angsty story that seems to have a creative plot.

Firstly, I love your description. I've read many stories that never have enough description or and I've read many that have way too much that it gets boring. However you have written the perfect amount of description so that the reader can picture everything in his/her head and not get bored. You are to be commended for this!!!

I also really like your OC's name Persephone Fay. They are both unusual names (although I understand that Persephone was a character in Greek Mythology) and fit together well!

I know that this chapter was probably meant to be short for effect but however, I became really sucked in and was enjoying the story and then suddenly it was over! I think that maybe for your next chapters, you should try to up the word count byt a little bit more!

Lastly, I LOVE your last sentence, "it was time". One of my favourite things is when an author uses the technique of keeping the reader 'hanging" which I'm sure who have heard of before. I love how you use that technique here because seeing that made me automatically think "time for what???" "what's going to happen next, I want to read on!" And that is how you attract more readers!!! So congratulations on the usage of that :D

Overall a wonderful start to a mysterious story and I will come back to read on (when I find the time)!

9.5/10!

Author's Response: Thanks so much for your review!!

I'm glad I made you want to read on, and I hope you find the time to do that quite soon!! I really tried to make the first chapter seem very suspenseful and dark. Sorry it was so short, but it actually started as something I just started writing one day, and then it turned into an actual idea. I wrote it as it came to me, and that was how it needed to end to set up for the next part. :)

Thanks for your lovely compliments!!

~UnluckyStar57



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Hello! Here for the battle!
Wow! I can't believe this is your first story! It's totally fab. Very correct, spelling and grammarwise, which is more than I can say for my first story, cough cough ♥.

I also thought that your use of description was A+ as it really added to the mood of the story, and allowed the reader to understand the literal actions and movements of the characters, even though it was told in first person.

I have only a few peeves with this story, and they are really very small. The first is that the formatting is a bit off, but don't worry about that! The formatting on this site is a bit hard, but you'll get the hang of it (I think I just about have!). The other is your italicisation of 'impervious' when you were referring to the charm. I don't know why it irked me, it just seemed somehow unnecessary.

On the other hand, I thought the way you kept the mystery and suspense going on all the way through this story was completely fabulous, and it is a truly hard thing to do! I was completely enthralled, and I have the attention span of a gnat hehe.

I also found the way you didn't reveal what the society was wonderful- It is a common thing on this site to have the plot laid out in the first chapter, making it pretty well pointless to read on, however, you certainly didn't do that, and I'm just about drooling to continue!

The last thing I adore, is your final line! it's just so... wow! I love it! It just fills the atmosphere and world that you've already created with a kind of jolt, and creates a moving plot! It's totally wonderful.

I'm sorry if i was a little incoherent in this review, it's just the sheer quality of your storytelling surprised me! I have no doubt that a book with this quality writing could be sold easily in a bookstore, it's much better than many published books!

Thank you so much for giving me the chance to broaden my horizons a little and read this, it really was wonderful. Keep writing lots and lots! ♥ ♥

Author's Response: AUGGGH!! You're awesome!! I love you for saying all that stuff!!

A bookstore?! Me?! No... Pshh, I'm blushing. :)

As for grammar and stuff, well, I'm kind of the Grammar Police. I love grammatic accuracy, and I know how painful it is to read inaccurately spelled fanfiction. (I do it all the time... Glutton for punishment?)

Your peeves are very relevant and definitely true. As you can probably tell, I have no idea what I'm doing, except for writing stories. When it comes to formatting, I'm a derp. o.O
The Impervius was italicized because I thought it was supposed to be italicized... I don't know if it should be or not. One day in the (probably distant) future when I edit this chapter, I'll take a look at that and see if I can fix everything.

Thank you for loving my story!!! I love it when nice people like you say nice things about my writing... It makes my whole day better!! :D

~UnluckyStar57

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Hello there! I'm here with your review! :)

First off, I'd like to start with a suggestion that I usually make: it's a very sad truth, but stories without banners are often overlooked. When your story is all text in the summary and it's next to another that's just been validated and has a flashy animated banner, odds are readers won't notice your story. Of course that has absolutely nothing to do with your writing quality, or your summary, or story title! But I think that getting a banner from TDA would really help out with getting you the recognition you deserve! :)

Your introductory paragraph is great. Your description of the rain "dripping" rather than "pouring" shows that it's a quiet, dim afternoon rather than a raging storm and you don't even use as many words as I just did. The scene is set up simply and beautifully. I particularly like, "His dislike for me always makes him later." The reader wants to know exactly why he dislikes this person, and who they are. The introduction to a story is easily one of the most important parts and I think you've done a masterful job with it!

You have some really great phrasing in here. Your language is simple and eloquent. Examples that particularly caught my eye were "old men that littered the tavern," "busty tavern maids," "too powerful to be a plaything..." Okay, clearly I am just writing down every other sentence. XD What I mean to say is that this is very well-written.

You mentioned on the forums that you have this story set in an "odd time," but I think it's perfect. There are so many Next-Gen and Post-Hogwarts stories on HPFF right now--I am guilty of this as well--that this fic stands out in a very unique way. I'm sorry if you wanted serious constructive criticism; it seems I'm incapable of doing much more than fangirling!

I think you have a really great blend of back-story and dialogue. My only concern would be that you break up your paragraphs too much; for example I think the first and second paragraphs could be combined into one. From the looks of your second chapter's layout, your installments will all be the same length, so I wouldn't worry about trying to lengthen it by spacing things so much. Otherwise the chapter appears a little bare.

That being said, I feel that we are given just enough back-story to feel informed but to still keep us interested. I do want to know what Persephone looks like, though; maybe in the section where the men at the bar are staring at her you could slip something in, even if it's as simple as the color of her cloak. Or, if you don't want to verbally describe it, that little ol' banner I mentioned would help if there was some kind of image of Perseph. Something to help us visualize this very interesting OC of yours!

"Womanly weaknesses"--what the hell! How infuriating! I don't like this Arnold. Not one bit. I'm intrigued by the "be my own mistress" line; does he have some kind of power over her, bestowed by the Society? I like this flair of feminism in your story and think it's a very important issue that many authors overlook.

I'm also intrigued by his sudden display of pity and compassion; in fact it's a bit hard to swallow. Going from "I'm a sexist jerk, I will show up late and make you march through the rain thankyouverymuch" to "Poor poor Duckie" is a bit weird. Obviously you phrased it much better than this because you're a talented writer, but do you see what I mean?

All in all, I think this is a wonderful story. I'm glad you asked for a review--it's going on my favorites so that I can keep up! :)

Author's Response: Ah, thanks so much for fangirling!! I'm really glad you found it interesting, and I loved getting your suggestions!! There's definitely some things that I shall work to improve!

As for the banner situation, I know that it kind of pales in comparison next to others with banners, but I have no idea how to make banners. I have an account at TDA, but I haven't done enough poking around to know how to use the site properly enough. :/ I would love a banner on this story, but I want the look to be very classic and antique looking, and I haven't seen much that looks promising. I guess I could request a banner, but if I have to provide images... I'm stuck. All of the images I have are in my head. They usually look a lot better there. ;)
If you have any tips about banners, I'd love it if you could message me on the forums. It would be great to hear from you again!

Thank you, thank you, thank you, one thousand times over, for all of your compliments! They made me feel all fuzzy inside. :) I'm still getting used to the idea of being a semi-published-ish-well-sort-of-not-really-author-type-thing on the forums, and I tend to fangirl about the positive reviews I get! Thank you for liking my writing. :D

And thanks very much also for your constructive criticism. I will absolutely take a look at my chapter spacing, and give some more hints about Persephone's appearance as well. I think my biggest problem as an author is the face of the character. What do they look like?
With me, it has a way of changing daily. But I promise to be better about that!!

As for Arnold's bipolarity... I guess I got a little sick of him being mean and made him do an about-face---which is definitely a little unfeasible. I'll look into that, too, and try to make his character more cohesive. I like to think that somewhere in his wretched anti-feminism is a tiny spark of empathy for Persephone, but it needs to be revealed a bit more gradually.

Many thanks for saying that I'm talented and that you favorited this story. As I am currently suffering from writer's block, I feel slumpish, and this review really made my night!!

~UnluckyStar57

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Phoenix here from the review tag!

Well, I thought this was great. I don't know what "The Society" is or who are the two people, but overall I thought the plot and story was great. This was well written, with a good amount of detail: No too much so the reader's brain gets mushed and tangled, but not too little so that you have no idea what so ever is going on.

I really enjoyed this little read, and I hope to find out more about this.
~Phoenix

Author's Response: Thanks very much!!

Hopefully the next chapter should be up soon... I just posted it this week. :)
I tried to make the first chapter a little vague so that it wouldn't be too obvious from the get-go of what the story is about.
Thank you for your lovely compliments. :D


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Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums here to review for you for the Bronze vs Blue battle! :D So, let's go over things:

Style: Normally I don't start by talking about this, but I really wanted to in your case. I think your style really lent itself to this story. I could actually imagine this as a published book. It was really beautiful just HOW you wrote this. Great job.

Characterization: Okay! So we've got Persephone and Arnold in this chapter. Both were quite good, though I must admit that I wasn't overly fond of either of their last names. Anyhow, their characterization was good despite the surnames. ;] I liked that Persephone was doing what it took to protect her family, even at the expense of her own happiness. That's a great characteristic for a heroine. And Arnold was the perfect mix of disdainful and complex. You wrote him in a way that made readers confused about his intentions, which I liked.

Descriptions: I LOVED that I could really see everything that was happening in this story. It was very poignant how you described the rain and the unobtrusive house and the carriage. We didn't get many details about how the characters looked, though. But that's the only place that you slipped on descriptions. Everywhere else, they were great.

Emotions: I liked that I could see that Persephone was making this choice to protect her family. That's a very good motivation. I think you handled it well. Overall, I liked the emotions in this a lot. :D

Plot: You definitely have the beginnings of an interesting story here! I like that it's set in a past time and that there's something intriguing about the "Society." That brings readers in very quickly. Nicely done!

Great beginning to a story. This was a very interesting chapter and I'm sure you'll do well when you write more. Keep up the good work!

--Emily

Author's Response: Thanks for your awesome review!!

I'm really glad that you liked the way I wrote this... It was just something that I had a quick idea for one day, and so I wrote it all down with no inkling of where the plot should go or how the characters should act. After much editing, this is the result. It's definitely come to mean a lot more than it once did!!

As far as the last names... I see your point. I was trying to make them seem strange, but I think I went a little too far with "Nimbletrout." It's kind of far-fetched. And "Castleberry" doesn't quite fit Persephone, either. Thanks for pointing their surnames out to me... Otherwise, I would have left them the same. Later on when I find the time, I'll give them better last names. It would definitely benefit the story, I think!

Thank you so much for your wonderful compliments and suggestions!!

~~UnluckyStar57

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Hey :)

I love this chapter. It has a lot of mystery and unanswered questions..a cliffhanger. There is so many questions running through my head like what exactly is the society and why was it form?

Keep up the good work :D

Author's Response: Thank you!!

It's been quite a while since I've been on my account here... Your review was a nice surprise!! :)

The second chapter for this story is currently in the works, but as school is starting for me soon, I don't know when I'll be able to finish or post it. There are a lot of questions that I have to answer for myself before I write about them! :)

Thanks again for your review!

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What an intoxicating first chapter!! I like that you had then traveling by carriage, it gave it a spooky feel. Your descriptions were wonderful and flawless, I felt liked was there through the entire story.

I am so curious about this society! Any hints?! ;)

Great first chapter, it had a dark tragic mood, very compelling!

Author's Response: Thanks so much! This was my first story on HPFF, and I'm very happy to know that you like it.

No, no hints about the Society... Yet. If I find time (who know when that will be?!), I will update the story in July.

Thanks for your review! :)

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Good start of the story, but what exactly is THE society? Who is in it? Do we get a back story? Is this society next Generation D.E. or somwthing new entirely? What if I wish for a virtual cupcake? Why is my review all questions so far?. Hm. Food for thought I suppose. Thanks though for the CC in Albus in Wonderland by the way. Hope you dont mind but you are in my AN at the bottem of the updated chapter 1.

Author's Response: Agh!! Thank you so much!! I didn't expect to be in an AN!! Love it!!

The Society is a story that I just started writing one day with no plan whatsoever. Over time, it has turned into a lot of half-formed ideas, and this chapter is only the beginning of a lot of deep, dark things. :)

As for the era, I'm going for late 1800's, when Albus Dumbledore was about 7 or 8. He comes into the story at some point, but right now, I'm still tossing ideas about.

I will probably update this story sometime in the early fall... I want to make sure the next chapter is an adequate follow-up that explains a little more.

And yes, you DO get a virtual cupcake... In fact, I'm thinking I'll give you a virtual cupcake store for all of your loveliness. :)

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Wow, brilliantly written first chapter. I'm so curious to find out what this "Society" is.
Hm...do I see feminism as an underlying theme? (Or something?) Well, you've definitely caught my attention!
Your descriptions are great, and, like I said, this first chapter was so well written. You haven't revealed too much, so I want to read more! This seems like a very promising fic. Good job! :) 10/10 Hope to see you again in BvB!

Author's Response: 10/10?! Really?! Thankyouthankyouthankyou!!!
This is actually my very first fanfiction, but it's fallen by the wayside in favor of a challenge story that I'm writing...
There will definitely be more information to come, probably later this summer or early fall, and I can only hope that the new chapter meets the standard of this one. :)
Again, I'm very glad that you liked it and that you think it has promise. It's kind of my baby. ;)

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Well, this was interesting. I'm not quite sure where you are going with this, but I got a hint of The Skulls in this story? I don't know if you have seen those movies or not, but The Skulls is also about a secret society, so it just reminded me of that.

I hope you mention in the next chapter who the girl is and who her companion is, but I get it. You have to keep the reader in suspense!

Anyways, I liked how detailed this read despite being written in first person. I think first person can be so difficult to write, but maybe that's just me.

Hope to see more and where you take this fanfic!

Author's Response: Thank you so much!!
I actually resubmitted a different (and better, in my opinion) version of this chapter in the queue just yesterday, so it should clear things up a bit.
I've never actually written a fanfiction before, so if it seems shaky at times, call me out! :)
And no, I've never heard of The Skulls... I didn't mean to copy them! D:
Thanks again for reading and reviewing!!

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I anxiously await the next turn of events!

Author's Response: Thank you for reading and reviewing!

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