Reading Reviews for The Society
  
32 Reviews Found

Review #1, by LilyLou No Turning Back

12th March 2014:
Hi, here for the Ravenclaw Review Battle!

This was so interesting! You have a great deal of suspense in the words, leaving me wondering what this whole society is, and what Arnold is all about! Ooh, so intriguing.

Your detailed descriptions of everything was so wonderful, it left me with pictures in my mind. You mention her mother and father, and Annemarie (I LOVE THAT NAME), which is wonderful because you leave questions and suspense, urging your readers on, and leaving them wondering who Annemarie is, why her and Persephone's parents are relevant to the situation.

Great job! Update soon, this really is a great story.

-Janelle

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Review #2, by AlexFan Scarlet In the Midst Of Monochrome

15th December 2013:
I remember reading the first chapter of this a very long time ago and I came back for the second one!

This was a lot more interesting than the first. I enjoyed seeing everything from Persephone's point of view. The feminist in me was angry at the sexism being displayed by the men in this society but I could see that Persephone could see it as well and she had to ignore it. Considering the time period of this story however, I understand why everything is the way that it is.

Persephone seems like a strong character, by the sounds of it she;s had to go through a lot in her life and she hasn't let it get to her or bring her down which I admire.

I also look forward to seeing how Persephone's magic could help the Society and what it is that they all actually do (you may have mentioned this in the last chapter and I just don't remember it).

And a new character enters into the story as well! I look forward to learning more about this David Weatherly. Very obviously he and Persephone had a past together and it sounds quite interesting so I'm actually very interested in learning how those two are connected and what is going to happen between them.

Author's Response: Thanks for coming back to it! Even though I haven't updated or even written a new chapter for this story, it's still my favorite of the ones that I've written. :)

Yes, I wanted to make the contrast between Persephone and the members of the Society very striking. They are all incredibly sexist and unwilling to accept change, which will definitely be a thorn in Persephone's side! In a way, it was fun to write characters like this because it's something that I have to imagine, having never really experienced it myself.

I really love Persephone's character--I think that she's my favorite OC that I've written! If I ever come back to this story, her magical prowess will be revealed and the Society's interest in her will be explained. Of course, I actually have to write the third chapter, so the explanation might be a long time in coming! :(

When I wrote David Weatherly into the story, I immediately felt conflicted about him. He and Persephone definitely have a past, yes, but what about their future? It is something that I still do not know. Maybe one day...

Thank you for your awesome review!! :D

~UnluckyStar57


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Review #3, by HOLEY like a SAINT Scarlet In the Midst Of Monochrome

8th September 2013:
oh please do continue! this is so different than anything I've read on this site. Just one comment, if you could pay attention to the formatting that would be swell ;)
but seriously, please keep writing and please update! I know school does get in the way, but that's what procrastination is for ^.^
Cheers.

Author's Response: Oh, you're so wonderful!! I never expect reviews because I don't do a whole lot of updating, especially lately.

You are so, so nice for saying that this is a different concept. I wrote the first chapter randomly, and then it turned into this big idea that I can't seem to move forward on. :/ Ah, well, perhaps I can find some time one of these days!!

Yes, the infernal formatting! This was my first-ever story on HPFF, so I had no idea what I was doing. (I still don't, really.) I have gotten better at formatting (sort of), so I'll have to go in and fix all of the ridiculous booboos that I made!

Thanks so much for your review!


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Review #4, by Penelope Inkwell Scarlet In the Midst Of Monochrome

11th July 2013:
Wait, thatís it? Thatís how it ends?! But Iím so curious. Who is David Weatherly? What happened to Persephoneís family? What is it that she can do that makes her so special?

I have such questions! I hope you come back and finish this one day--it really is a fascinating beginning.

By the way, I loved that you had a Knockturn as one of the Directors. I never thought of Knockturn Alley being named for a family, but if it was, I suppose it would be named after elaborate, twisting plans as difficult to navigate as the Alley itself.

You are a very good writer. I think Iíve covered that, but I just wanted to make sure it came across.



Author's Response: ...Yes. That's all there is. To be painfully honest, that's all I have saved on my computer, too, as far as actual storyline goes. Of course, I have some numerous planning documents, and a timeline of events so that I can make sure I get things right, but it's been more than a year and I just can't seem to start the third chapter. :/

Because I started writing this story on a whim with no planning whatsoever, I've run into some snags and I can't figure out how to fix them. Hopefully one day when I find the time, I can sit down and make myself at least write the first paragraph, but life is so hectic lately that I've barely had any time to think about HPFF. Sad times. :(

I'm glad you caught my little addition of "Knockturn!" I thought it would be a cool idea to have the infamous street be named after a family. :)

I promise you that as soon as I get the third chapter onto the computer screen and edited enough so that it doesn't sound silly, I will request a review from you. Because I love your reviews. They're totally awesome. :D

Thankyouthankyouthankyou so much!! To hear that someone thinks I'm a good writer just makes me so very elated!!


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Review #5, by Penelope Inkwell No Turning Back

11th July 2013:
Oh. My. Gosh. Stop!!! This cannot be your first fanfic. It just canít be. Iíve decided that the authorís note at the beginning must surely be a clever ruse, or else you have amnesia, or in a past life were a New York Times bestselling author

Note: I always try to be encouraging in my reviews, but Iím pulling out all the stops here, because ďGood jobĒ and ďYou have really nice grammarĒ would be laughably insufficient. This is SO GOOD.

No, but really. I wasnít even expecting to actually be able to settle down and read something. I was just clicking around, and I had remembered doing a requested review for you and how good I thought your writing was, and that I had meant to come back and look through your other work. But my mind was darting around and I had closed several promising stories, not really able to get into them. Out of habit, my mouse strayed toward the red x button in the corner, but did I click on it? No! Because you had me hooked from the first sentence. With your First fanfic. This is ludicrous. I am amazed.

Snaps to you, UnluckyStar57. Whatever star you were born under seems to have had a rather lot of luck in the literary department, so Iím afraid your username might be something of a misnomer. Now, if youíll excuse me, I have some flailing to do, and another chapter to read.

Just, brava! Wow.

Author's Response: Aw, you're so sweet! I don't get many random reviews, so I love them (if it's possible) even more than the reviews that I request. :)

It makes me so happy that you think so highly of my very first chapter. (Yes, it really is my first chapter EVER. And no, I'm pretty sure that I was never on the bestseller list, even in another life.) This chapter happened quite by accident: I had just joined the archives and I wanted to post SOMETHING, so I just started randomly writing. The result was about 1,000 words of some mysterious event. It was so mysterious that even I didn't know what was going on! Soon, I formed a bit of an idea around the chapter, and it became The Society. :)

I am SO glad that you didn't push the x button on me! I would hate to disappoint you, because you're so wonderful and awesome. I'm also amazed by you, because you were amazed by my story. :D

My penname is a rather silly fabrication, derived from the meaning of my name. I certainly hope that I wasn't actually born under an unlucky star, otherwise I might meet my doom sooner than I'd like. ;)

Flail away! I am so very happy that you took the time to leave me such a lovely review! :)

~UnluckyStar57


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Review #6, by Trundlebug No Turning Back

8th July 2013:
This is an excellent first chapter and I will definitely be reading the rest of this interesting story. I love that it's OC, a personal favorite of mine. And you have the mystery and intrigue that I also crave.

Your writing is crisp and well-presented, and I am very jealous of what you have accomplished here. You have a gift for clean and neat descriptions that are not near as cluttery as my own. Everything blends in well, creating a nice vehicle for the story you are telling me.

Criticisms.well they are hard here, but most people want some. I guess it's a bit short, but not overly so. Really that's a minor thing because you present a lot of information into that tight space. Really I have nothing negative to say about it, except that I am only just discovering your little tale.

Author's Response: Thank you so much for this review! :D

I will tell you a small truth: When I wrote this chapter, it was simply because I really wanted to put SOMETHING up on the archives for the first time. I pounded it out with no planned direction, and then I read it over and thought, "Eh, I might as well submit it." In my head, it has become a massive story, with twists and turns in every direction. On the computer, however, it is just two measly chapters and a whole lot of planning. I'm so glad that the first chapter made you want to read more, and I hope that I can write the third chapter... One of these days. :)

Clean and neat descriptions?! Thank you! I always feel like I don't put enough description in my writing, but in this chapter, I really wanted to establish an air of mystery. Even now, this story is so mysterious that I don't know where it's going to end up! :P

It is a VERY short chapter, but I'm hoping to make up for that with much longer chapters in the future (if I get any written, that is!). I've tried to go back and add a few meaningful descriptions, but nothing really seems to fit without breaking up the flow of the words. :)

Oh, don't worry about only just discovering this story. I'm kind of an underground writer at this point--I haven't really been heard of much, and that's okay. What I really love is when people leave me such marvelous comments and compliments as you have done.


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Review #7, by -BookDinosaur- No Turning Back

15th June 2013:
-BookDInosaur- here for the Ravenclaw Review Battle!

I really enjoyed reading this chapter. I really liked all the description you put in, it painted a really vivid picture in my mind of what was happening, but at the same time, there wasn't so much description that I got bored reading it.

Your charactersation of Persephone was really good, even though this chapter was pretty short I feel like I know her already.

There's such an air of mystery surrounding this chapter, right now I really want to read on to see what happens next.

The flow of your story was really good as well and I couldn't see any grammar or spelling mistakes, so well done there.

All in all, this was a really good chapter that left me wanting more.

Author's Response: Hi! Thanks so much for your review, and I'm sorry that I haven't responded to it until now. (I've been a bit lazy, I'm afraid...)

I'm very glad that you liked my description-that-wasn't-too-descriptive, and Persephone's characterization. This chapter was my very first chapter of fanfiction EVER, so I made it extremely short in my anticipation to get it posted. :)

Thank you so much for your lovely comments!!

~UnluckyStar57


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Review #8, by patronus_charm No Turning Back

12th June 2013:
Hello there! I decided come back and re-tag seeing how much Rachel loved this story I wanted to check it out too :P First things first, Iím really glad of the length of the chapter. Iím quite a fan of short chapter because they donít drag and youíre more focused on where the stories going due to the length and it worked really well here :)

Though I enjoyed the Psychology of Gobstones, I feel as if youíre more at ease in this story and the style suits you a lot more. This may just be me liking descriptive stories, and there was a lot more description in this chapter, so I might have been a little biased here. However, you managed to create a unique style in both of the stories and thatís not something I can often say, so kudos to you.

I couldnít resist but include some of my favourite descriptions :P I really liked this Ďflaunting youth in their hollow facesí and it created some really powerful imagery. Then there was this Ďlost in my own tangled thoughtsí even though that line had the potential to become a clichť one, it didnít which was really great.

Your characterisation of Persephone (great name!) was really great. It was strong and consistent throughout the chapter and I grew to like her in the short space of time. I donít know what it is, but she just seemed to be different to most OCs and that difference drew me in. Iím also intrigued to see how she fits into the Harry Potter universe, because I donít think Iíve ever read a story about an OC which isnít directly connected to a canon.

The sense of mystery in this chapter was really great. Iím hoping that The Society is some sort of secret cult, because that would be a really cool storyline. Or it could be something else, ah I love hypothesising way too much so Iím going to stop now before my review turns into a massive one! I liked the introduction of Arnold too, and it will be interesting to see how he has a connection with Persephone.

Overall, I thought that was an excellent start to the story and I can really see why Rachel liked it so much :D

-Kiana

Author's Response: Hi! I am SO sorry that I took so very long to respond to this review!!

Thanks for all of your lovely compliments, and for giving this little story a try! It really means a lot to mean, because this was my first-ever attempt at fanfiction. :)

I think that, though I like to read humor stories most of all, I'm probably better at writing in the darker genres, like horror, mystery, and angst. Thank you for saying that I have a unique style!! Sometimes I worry that I get too weird with my writing, but I'm very glad to know that you think it's unique. :D

Persephone is a very different name, and it's one that I have plans for! After all, the Persephone of mythology was taken away from her mother to be the King of the Underworld's wife. I'm going to try to draw parallels between her story and my own character's story. She doesn't connect to canon yet, but don't worry, in time, she'll meet one of the greatest wizards of all time--except he'll be much younger than he is when we meet him in the Harry Potter books. ;)

Thank you for hypothesizing! There will definitely be more about what the Society is in ensuing chapters! :)

Thanks so much for your review!! I'm sorry that I took so long to respond.

~UnluckyStar57


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Review #9, by TenthWeasley Scarlet In the Midst Of Monochrome

11th June 2013:
Hello! This was a perfect opportunity, coming across your name again in the review battle. :) I'd been meaning to come back and read this chapter anyway! I saw your response to my review of the first chapter, too, and it was absolutely lovely. ♥ Thank you so much!

I've got to express appreciation again for the way you write, both descriptively and just in the fact that you have great mastering of spelling and punctuation and grammar and all those sorts of things. :D It makes a read so much more enjoyable, and it's a lot easier to concentrate on the story itself that way. I'm very impressed by the maturity of this story! Some of that is derived from the subject matter, I suppose, but it also comes from the way you turn a phrase. Lines like this one:

Who knew what evils were lurking behind the locks? -- I don't know why, but I just really liked the way you said that. :) Your descriptions are lovely, too, and I LOVE the mental image of Persephone as a spot of red among black and white (which actually happens to be my favorite color combination!). The burgundy walls spotted by lamps, the iron curlicues on the door -- they all lend a darkness and mystery to your story, and you never had to say it outright once. That's the sort of description that I love to see, because it makes me feel invested in the story. I'm there, and I want to know what happens!

And of course the menacing Society and all its members -- I love the names and characteristics you gave to all of its Directors! They were all very vivid and unique and forbidding, and I don't think it's too assertive of me to assume that's exactly what you were going for, so well done. I think my favorite thing in this chapter, character-wise, was how you made Arnold, a character who looked so creepy into the first chapter, into one of the better men in this one. That was an interesting turnaround, and I actually really liked it!

And David Weatherly! Just WHO is this man, and what's his history with Persephone? What exactly is the Society going to ask her to do, and why? How does her family and past connect with her present? I've got so many questions and none of the answers, and that's such a good thing; it means that I'm going to be back and searching for them among your future updates. ;) You've got great lead-ins to a really good mystery story at work here!

Seriously, seriously well done; I enjoyed this chapter just as much as the first, if not more! It's fair to say that I'll be hunting for hints of an update around the forums. I'm very interested to read more of your story, and when you do get a chance to update, I hope that you'll let me know!

Author's Response: You've come back? Really?! Yay! :D

Thank you so much for your compliments about my spelling/grammar/description! I'm kind of a rookie fanfiction writer, but I've written many an essay in literature classes, and those have seemed to go a long way in helping me describe things. I really wanted to make the story sound a little bit antique, and I tried to do that with phrases that I thought sounded old-ish. I'm glad you thought they were effective!!

Red/black/white is actually a color combination at the school I'll be attending in the future. Well, it's more a crimson color, but... I'm so glad that you picked up on the air of mystery that I was trying to give the place. It's still a mystery to me, because I haven't fully explored its depths yet! I am certainly waiting just as much as you to find out what will happen--this story seems to have a mind of its own when I sit down to write it!!

The Directors!! I really, really hate them, mostly because I identify too much with Persephone (not the oppressive "Society" part, but the slightly defiant part!), and I wrote them to be really creepy and forbidding indeed!! Arnold probably turned around just a bit too quickly, I think, but he wanted to show his tutee some respect. I'll probably have a few flashbacks to explain his character in the coming chapters!

David!!! He's really rude right now, but he'll play a really significant role in the story, as will Persephone's background and the demands of the Society. Do I know what those are yet? ...No, but hopefully I will very soon! I will definitely let you know when the next chapter is out!!

Thank you so much for showing such an interest in my story. It really, really means a lot to me. :)


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Review #10, by LittleLionGirl Scarlet In the Midst Of Monochrome

10th June 2013:
Oh my! I am happy to see you have started this story up again. I can't wait to see where you take us with the society..
XOXOXO,
LLG

Author's Response: Awww, you're too sweet. :)

Currently, I don't have the next chapter written, but I've got a banner for it, which is exciting! :D

I hope that (whenever my next chapter comes out) The Society keeps you interested with its twists and turns! :)

~UnluckyStar57


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Review #11, by TenthWeasley No Turning Back

4th June 2013:
Popping by with a review from the review battle!

Right away I've got to tell you that this is one of the most engaging stories I've come across on HPFF in a long time, and I'm very glad this was the link I clicked in your signature. You got an air of suspense across extremely well, and it was a near-perfect way to engage readers and make them want to come back for more; as someone who personally struggles with first chapters, I'm rather jealous! It wasn't long-winded but neither was it short enough for me to feel slighted, like you hadn't told me enough.

Your use of description was lovely, and it really painted the scene. The way you described Persephone's surroundings reflected her and the other characters in a subtle way -- you didn't need to tell us what she was feeling, because the rain and the dark conveyed the nerves and anxiety very well. That's the definition of "show, don't tell" and I've really got to take my hat off to you for doing it so aptly! Are you quite sure this is your first story?

I wish I had time right now to click over to the second chapter and read more, because I've got loads of questions! I want to know exactly what the Society is (a precursor to the Death Eaters, perhaps?), and why Persephone must join it, and how she'll cope. This intrigues me like no story on this site's intrigued me for some time, and I say that with all sincerity.

You're quite honestly a very talented writer, and this first chapter was a joy to read! ♥ I mean that very sincerely. Please do keep up the brilliant work, and I mean to make my way back over to this story before too long!

Author's Response: *looks at reviewers name, then looks again to make sure it's not a dream*

*then squeals*

E!!! Thank you so much for this lovely review!! You're probably one of the best authors on this site, and it means so much to see that you've said all of this nice stuff to little old me! In fact, I chose to respond to this review last because every time I read it, I would be rendered incapable of coherent thought. :)

*contains enthusiasm slightly*

Thank you so very much for saying that this is an engaging story. This was my very first story, and when I started it, I just pounded down the chapter in one sitting. Today, it's almost the same as it was when I first wrote it. I don't know what it was that made it turn out so well, but I'm thankful for it. I think that it's the second, third, fourth, and so on chapters that I have trouble with. :)

Thank you for complimenting my description!!! I honestly don't know where it came from, but I think that the best ideas often come out of thin air. I did leave a lot of questions in this chapter, and I can assure you that I didn't do that on purpose. I just wrote haphazardly, and now I'm stuck with having to work everything out. At this point, I've got so much to decide about the plot, but seeing your lovely review has made all of that worth it. I certainly hope that you find the time to read more. :)

Thank you so much for all of your wonderful compliments!! I think that you're an amazingly talented writer, too--definitely one of the best.


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Review #12, by AlexFan No Turning Back

1st April 2013:
There's such an air of mystery around this entire chapter. It was actually kind of spooky but I love where the story is going so far. The ending was a good cliffhanger because it left the reader wanting to read more and to see what was going on.

Your grammar and punctuation was good and I've got this sense that Persephone is a bit of a stubborn person who may or may not be hotheaded.

Your flow was great and there were no choppy or awkward sentences either so great job on that!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review!!

This was my first chapter of fanfiction EVER, and so I spent a lot of time trying to make it flow nicely. I wanted Persephone to be a really independent sort of character, despite her age and her time period. Hopefully in later chapters (that I have yet to post!), her character will round out.

Thank you again for your lovely review! :)

~UnluckyStar57


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Review #13, by classicblack Scarlet In the Midst Of Monochrome

19th January 2013:
This was fantastic! While answering a very few of my previous quesitons, you added around twenty more. I'm dying to know more about the connection between David and Persephone. Ugh! I can't take the mystery! Very good on your part, you seem to have a knack for mystery, never allowing me to truly understand your characters and your plot until the very end (or at least until you want me to). It's happened with both the stories of yours that I've read. Who knows- maybe you'll be the next Agatha Christie. You certainly seem to have the skill for it.

Happy writing,
classicblack

Author's Response: Hahaha, I don't know about me being the next Agatha Christie! This story is mysterious, but maybe that's because even I don't know what will happen next!! It's kind of awkward, but the story writes itself for me, and it won't let me be transparent.

Also, yes... It does seem that I have written two stories in which the characters are not revealed until the end. My apologies!! I really am not a mysterious person... I like humor better, but I'm not funny, so I can't write it!

But anyway, thank you again for your review!!!

~UnluckyStar57


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Review #14, by classicblack No Turning Back

19th January 2013:
Hey there! Sorry it's taken me a little while to get around to reviewing, life tends to be annoying and hectic ;)

I really enjoyed this opener! It certainly created a feeling a mystery and suspense and shot aobut ten questions at me about the plot, which is always good for keeping a reader around. What's the Society? Who is our narrator? What's up with her family? Does Arnold have some secret feelings for her (okay that ones a bit far-fetched...)? I'm definitely looking forward to reading more to get the answers to some of these quesitons.

One again, excellent description and very nice ending to the chapter. It was final and dramatic and made you want to know what it was time for.

Happy writing,
classicblack

Author's Response: Hi!! It's really alright that it took you awhile... I keep people waiting on my review thread all the time. (Which isn't very good of me!)

I'm very glad you enjoyed the opening, and I'm super glad that you have so many questions. This chapter is really vague, and in some ways, that's not such a bad thing. However, it does keep you guessing a lot, and that can be quite frustrating. I know it is for me, and I'm the author of it!!

Thank you for your review!

~UnluckyStar57


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Review #15, by graylady01 No Turning Back

4th January 2013:
I'm so confused and yet, in love. I found the amount of detail perfect, from the rain dripping down the window to the slippery door frame she grasped as she pulled herself into the carriage.

I think that by not lingering too long on the physical features on the people made it more intriguing than if you had chosen to do something else. I would encourage to slowly feed more information to your readers though. But only enough to satisfying some of their curiosity as this is something that will get me coming back.

I am very interested to where this story is going to go, and looking forward to seeing how this plot will develop as it seems beautifully intricate and dark. Definitely my type of story!

Keep up the good work,
graylady01

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review! I'm sorry that I didn't get back to you sooner... It's been quite a busy January!

I'm very glad that you enjoyed my use of minimal detail and intrigue... I certainly hope it was enough to keep you interested, but I promise that there will be more description in the coming chapters!

~UnluckyStar57


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Review #16, by Voldy Needs a Hug Scarlet In the Midst Of Monochrome

24th December 2012:
I'm back for another review.

As I mentioned in my previous review, I am very impressed by the originality and unique storyline present in this fanfiction. These chapters are certainly very interesting, and I must encourage you to continue writing.

The plot was excellent - it really kept me in suspense. You jumped right into the action with your first chapter, which captivated me from the very beginning, but didn't provide much of an explanation of what had occurred prior to these events. I'm assuming that you were aiming for this air of mystery, and such things will be revealed in future chapters, but I'm not very good at waiting for chapter updates. Please update soon! Additionally, your flow was also outstanding and the events transitioned nicely from one to the next.

I found the detail in this chapter to be perfectly balanced with the amount of dialogue - you described her descent into the house, each of the directors, and the room where she was sworn into the society perfectly. I was very impressed.

Great job!

Author's Response: What? Another highly praise-filled review from you?! Wowza! When I requested a review from you, I thought that you would absolutely rip this story to shreds... It's the sort of thing that I don't necessarily like, but I find it necessary to become better at writing.

But this review gives me a lot to think about, as well! I realize that there isn't much backstory, but fear not!! I have planned a bit for the next chapter (when I write it...). I will try my best to get it on the site in maybe late January? However, that might not be possible, because real life is very trying. :p

Anyways, thank you for complimenting the detail and dialogue balance, which is something that I've had to work very hard to achieve. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

And yes, from me, you can have the virtual Internet hug that you claim to need. (I just love your penname... It makes me laugh!) :)

~UnluckyStar57


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Review #17, by Voldy Needs a Hug No Turning Back

17th December 2012:
It's Voldy Needs a Hug here with your review!

I was blown away by this chapter. I really had no idea what to expect as the summary was vague and the characters, era, and pairings no more informative. You did an excellent job of creating a suspenseful, interesting opening to your fanfiction that is sure to captivate readers.

I loved your descriptions throughout the chapter. They weren't elaborate and over the top or short and rushed. They accurately painted a scene for readers to visualise, while leaving some of the picture up to one's imagination.

This chapter was relatively short and didn't contain a great deal of plot, but I was immediately hooked. The cliff hanger and mysterious society are intriguing, and convincing me to continue reading. Your transitions were also flawless.

Spectacular job!

Author's Response: Hi, Voldy Needs a Hug!!

I'm sorry that I haven't replied to your reviews yet... Life has been busy!

But oh, I could just hug you for all of your praise!! Thank you for enjoying the first chapter, even though it's extremely short and there isn't any backstory or plot. It was my first foray into the fanfiction realm, and so I didn't know what I wanted to do with it until I really got into it.

Thanks so very much!!

~UnluckyStar57


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Review #18, by CambAngst Scarlet In the Midst Of Monochrome

12th December 2012:
Alright, back for chapter 2! Let's see what new bits of information we can glean...

Ooh! So much suspense and intrigue in this one. A few answers and a bunch of new questions. You are a really good storyteller.

It was interesting to see Arnold change his tune in this chapter. It's as though he feels badly for Persephone. I got the feeling that he's probably not one of the higher-ranking members of the Society, and mentoring her was not a task that he relished. His final words to her certainly sounded like a warning.

I liked the introduction of the Directors. Each was menacing in his own way. Bramble came across like the aging brawler. A man whose best days are well behind him but who nobody wants to mess with because of who he used to be and the fact that he's probably forgotten more about fighting then most people will ever know. Knockturn is obviously the mastermind of the Society, the deep thinker and crafty plotter. I immediately wondered whether Knockturn Alley was named for him. Warrick seemed especially menacing. He oozed the sort of twisted genius of a man who's amoral and capable of anything. Kind of a Josef Mengle vibe.

Throughout her induction, the scene dripped antipathy and misogyny. The numerous references to her gender made it plainly clear that most of the members don't want her there. As sketchy and downright dangerous as the Society and its objectives were made to sound, there was also a surprisingly forward-looking element, at least where the Directors were concerned. Regardless of what the other members think, the Directors have made their peace with the fact that a woman is able to bring something new and powerful to the table.

The rules of the Society were as simple as they were brutal. It reminded me of the demands that Voldemort places on a prospective Death Eater before they take the Dark Mark. Persephone's thoughts make it clear that she feels very reluctant about agreeing to their demands, but she doesn't have any choice. Unfortunately for her, they cement her oath with the Unbreakable Vow. Now it seems that if she is at all disloyal to them, she will die.

And we have some new questions. Not least, who is David Weatherly and what is his role in the Society? Why does he seem to have such a strong aversion to Persephone? Is it because he dislikes her or merely the fact that he dislikes her joining the Society. There could be any number of reasons for that, not least of all his concern for her safety. It's just way too early to tell about him, but the fact that he was the recipient of her Unbreakable Vow holds open some possibilities. If he were to break his side of it, he would die, but would that also not release her from her side of the vow? Just a thought...

Once again, I can't find a thing wrong with your writing. It's a pleasure to read. I've come to the end, at least for now. I'm interested to see what you cook up next!

Happy Holidays!

Author's Response: Thank you again for another awesome review!

I definitely did name the Director "Knockturn" with the intention of circling back around to Knockturn Alley sometime, hah!! I thought it would be interesting, and it makes for an ominous surname. :)

The Directors seemed forward thinking, though I tried to make them as stuffy and resistant as possible. I guess what they wanted to tell me was that they accepted Persephone's power, but not her gender. I'm not sure if my intentions were clear in the story, but I hope it translated to something at least halfway understandable.

Your questions are very compelling!! There are some things you've asked that I haven't had much time to think about, what with real life getting in the way and all that. I wrote David into the story, intending him to be the main source of Persephone's emotional turmoil once the story really picks up steam... As to whether or not there's a ship in the harbor for them, I don't know. (Haha, I'm stupidly attracted to puns.) At this point, they've got a lot of animosity and betrayal. Forgiveness doesn't seem like an option, I think.

As for David dying and releasing her from the Vow... Thanks for that question!! You definitely just gave me a lot to think about for later on in the story!!

Thanks for your wonderfully fantabulous review!!

~UnluckyStar57


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Review #19, by CambAngst No Turning Back

12th December 2012:
Ho, ho, ho! This is your Holiday Review Swap Extravaganza Thingee review!

You have a very interesting lead-in to your story. Since the options you've selected (Era, Characters, Ships) tell us essentially nothing about what to expect, we're left to try to piece it all together based on what we read. It's quite a bit different from coming into a story knowing, at least, who the players are and how the surrounding back story reads. I enjoyed the process of reading very carefully and trying to put the pieces together.

Persephone and Arnold seem to exist in bygone times. The simple fact that they travel by horse and carriage is a pretty strong indication. His sexist attitude toward her -- as well as the men in the Leaky Cauldron -- also suggests a different era. It appears that he has been grooming her for some sort of secret society, and not in the nicest or most constructive of ways. She makes it clear that she isn't joining purely because she wants to. She believes that it will keep her family safe. From what, we can only guess at this point.

Your writing was really elegant. The tone and the formality of your word choice and phrasing seemed to fit the time period well. Everything flowed smoothly and there were no typos or grammatical errors that I could see. The descriptions were crisp and vivid and it was easy to picture the events in my mind.

Well, since this was a relatively short introductory chapter, I don't think there's any point in stopping here. Let's see what chapter 2 has in store...

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your wonderful analysis of my story!!

As for the selection options... I suppose I've chosen to set this story in an odd time period, but I can tell you that if I ever get a chance to sit down and write the next few chapters, it'll have at least one or two canon characters. I'm still getting to that, though, and life gets in the way so much. :P

Thank you for saying my writing is elegant. Sometimes it feels rather clunky, and your kind words make it seem a lot better than it is. :)

~UnluckyStar57


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Review #20, by GrangerDanger76 No Turning Back

12th December 2012:
Hello! This is GrangerDanger76 from the RC review battles for team blue!

First off, this is WONDERFULLY written! Like... WOAH. I got chills reading it. I am emensly interested in it, this society thing, I really want to read more.
I love the ellusiveness of your MC, she is so far from being Mary-Sue ish, which is bloody fantastic to say the least.

Seriously, great job! :)

Author's Response: Thank you!! I'm so glad you enjoyed my little story. :)

Please do read on, if you so choose. :D

~UnluckyStar57


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Review #21, by Jchrissy Scarlet In the Midst Of Monochrome

10th December 2012:
Hi darling! So began reading chapter 1, then realized after the first few sentences I'd already read it! So I'm here to do two for the Holiday Swap :)

I love how you stick with the old times feeling in this. Maids at the door, knockers, large ceilings.. It all feels very medieval and I really love that.

I'm just as curious about this society as I was back when I read the first chapter! It's very clearly not a good thing, and something Persephone never had a chance at getting away from. I do hope you continue this story, because these first few chapters really are very interesting and original.

I think you get in a decent amount of detail, especially considering this is first person. I'm also impressed with how well you hold her narrative voice. From the first chapter on it stays the same, and she seems like a very solid character so far.

I loved that you used the Unbreakable vow. It reminded me that we were in the Harry Potter world. And the constant reminders of her being a woman. You could tell she'd dealt with being looked down, thought lesser of, because of her gender for some time now.

I really enjoyed this second chapter, m'dear!

Jami

Author's Response: Thankyouthankyouthankyou!!

I'm really glad that you liked the second chapter, and I'm glad that I was able to keep the voice constant. I was kind of worried that this chapter would be a bit wonky, and so it took me MONTHS to finally get it posted.

And I hope that I can keep up this story, too. So far, I haven't started the third chapter, boohoo. :(
It would really be an awesome thing to do with my time, but alas, I have no time...

Ah, well. Thank you for all of your lovely compliments!! :D

Merry Christmas!

~UnluckyStar57


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Review #22, by hedwigs_theme No Turning Back

6th December 2012:
Hi it's potterweasleygranger from the review thread here to give you a review.

This is a great start to what seems like a mysterious, angsty story that seems to have a creative plot.

Firstly, I love your description. I've read many stories that never have enough description or and I've read many that have way too much that it gets boring. However you have written the perfect amount of description so that the reader can picture everything in his/her head and not get bored. You are to be commended for this!!!

I also really like your OC's name Persephone Fay. They are both unusual names (although I understand that Persephone was a character in Greek Mythology) and fit together well!

I know that this chapter was probably meant to be short for effect but however, I became really sucked in and was enjoying the story and then suddenly it was over! I think that maybe for your next chapters, you should try to up the word count byt a little bit more!

Lastly, I LOVE your last sentence, "it was time". One of my favourite things is when an author uses the technique of keeping the reader 'hanging" which I'm sure who have heard of before. I love how you use that technique here because seeing that made me automatically think "time for what???" "what's going to happen next, I want to read on!" And that is how you attract more readers!!! So congratulations on the usage of that :D

Overall a wonderful start to a mysterious story and I will come back to read on (when I find the time)!

9.5/10!

Author's Response: Thanks so much for your review!!

I'm glad I made you want to read on, and I hope you find the time to do that quite soon!! I really tried to make the first chapter seem very suspenseful and dark. Sorry it was so short, but it actually started as something I just started writing one day, and then it turned into an actual idea. I wrote it as it came to me, and that was how it needed to end to set up for the next part. :)

Thanks for your lovely compliments!!

~UnluckyStar57



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Review #23, by CharlieDay No Turning Back

5th December 2012:
Hello! Here for the battle!
Wow! I can't believe this is your first story! It's totally fab. Very correct, spelling and grammarwise, which is more than I can say for my first story, cough cough ♥.

I also thought that your use of description was A+ as it really added to the mood of the story, and allowed the reader to understand the literal actions and movements of the characters, even though it was told in first person.

I have only a few peeves with this story, and they are really very small. The first is that the formatting is a bit off, but don't worry about that! The formatting on this site is a bit hard, but you'll get the hang of it (I think I just about have!). The other is your italicisation of 'impervious' when you were referring to the charm. I don't know why it irked me, it just seemed somehow unnecessary.

On the other hand, I thought the way you kept the mystery and suspense going on all the way through this story was completely fabulous, and it is a truly hard thing to do! I was completely enthralled, and I have the attention span of a gnat hehe.

I also found the way you didn't reveal what the society was wonderful- It is a common thing on this site to have the plot laid out in the first chapter, making it pretty well pointless to read on, however, you certainly didn't do that, and I'm just about drooling to continue!

The last thing I adore, is your final line! it's just so... wow! I love it! It just fills the atmosphere and world that you've already created with a kind of jolt, and creates a moving plot! It's totally wonderful.

I'm sorry if i was a little incoherent in this review, it's just the sheer quality of your storytelling surprised me! I have no doubt that a book with this quality writing could be sold easily in a bookstore, it's much better than many published books!

Thank you so much for giving me the chance to broaden my horizons a little and read this, it really was wonderful. Keep writing lots and lots! ♥ ♥

Author's Response: AUGGGH!! You're awesome!! I love you for saying all that stuff!!

A bookstore?! Me?! No... Pshh, I'm blushing. :)

As for grammar and stuff, well, I'm kind of the Grammar Police. I love grammatic accuracy, and I know how painful it is to read inaccurately spelled fanfiction. (I do it all the time... Glutton for punishment?)

Your peeves are very relevant and definitely true. As you can probably tell, I have no idea what I'm doing, except for writing stories. When it comes to formatting, I'm a derp. o.O
The Impervius was italicized because I thought it was supposed to be italicized... I don't know if it should be or not. One day in the (probably distant) future when I edit this chapter, I'll take a look at that and see if I can fix everything.

Thank you for loving my story!!! I love it when nice people like you say nice things about my writing... It makes my whole day better!! :D

~UnluckyStar57


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Review #24, by my_voice_rising No Turning Back

29th November 2012:
Hello there! I'm here with your review! :)

First off, I'd like to start with a suggestion that I usually make: it's a very sad truth, but stories without banners are often overlooked. When your story is all text in the summary and it's next to another that's just been validated and has a flashy animated banner, odds are readers won't notice your story. Of course that has absolutely nothing to do with your writing quality, or your summary, or story title! But I think that getting a banner from TDA would really help out with getting you the recognition you deserve! :)

Your introductory paragraph is great. Your description of the rain "dripping" rather than "pouring" shows that it's a quiet, dim afternoon rather than a raging storm and you don't even use as many words as I just did. The scene is set up simply and beautifully. I particularly like, "His dislike for me always makes him later." The reader wants to know exactly why he dislikes this person, and who they are. The introduction to a story is easily one of the most important parts and I think you've done a masterful job with it!

You have some really great phrasing in here. Your language is simple and eloquent. Examples that particularly caught my eye were "old men that littered the tavern," "busty tavern maids," "too powerful to be a plaything..." Okay, clearly I am just writing down every other sentence. XD What I mean to say is that this is very well-written.

You mentioned on the forums that you have this story set in an "odd time," but I think it's perfect. There are so many Next-Gen and Post-Hogwarts stories on HPFF right now--I am guilty of this as well--that this fic stands out in a very unique way. I'm sorry if you wanted serious constructive criticism; it seems I'm incapable of doing much more than fangirling!

I think you have a really great blend of back-story and dialogue. My only concern would be that you break up your paragraphs too much; for example I think the first and second paragraphs could be combined into one. From the looks of your second chapter's layout, your installments will all be the same length, so I wouldn't worry about trying to lengthen it by spacing things so much. Otherwise the chapter appears a little bare.

That being said, I feel that we are given just enough back-story to feel informed but to still keep us interested. I do want to know what Persephone looks like, though; maybe in the section where the men at the bar are staring at her you could slip something in, even if it's as simple as the color of her cloak. Or, if you don't want to verbally describe it, that little ol' banner I mentioned would help if there was some kind of image of Perseph. Something to help us visualize this very interesting OC of yours!

"Womanly weaknesses"--what the hell! How infuriating! I don't like this Arnold. Not one bit. I'm intrigued by the "be my own mistress" line; does he have some kind of power over her, bestowed by the Society? I like this flair of feminism in your story and think it's a very important issue that many authors overlook.

I'm also intrigued by his sudden display of pity and compassion; in fact it's a bit hard to swallow. Going from "I'm a sexist jerk, I will show up late and make you march through the rain thankyouverymuch" to "Poor poor Duckie" is a bit weird. Obviously you phrased it much better than this because you're a talented writer, but do you see what I mean?

All in all, I think this is a wonderful story. I'm glad you asked for a review--it's going on my favorites so that I can keep up! :)

Author's Response: Ah, thanks so much for fangirling!! I'm really glad you found it interesting, and I loved getting your suggestions!! There's definitely some things that I shall work to improve!

As for the banner situation, I know that it kind of pales in comparison next to others with banners, but I have no idea how to make banners. I have an account at TDA, but I haven't done enough poking around to know how to use the site properly enough. :/ I would love a banner on this story, but I want the look to be very classic and antique looking, and I haven't seen much that looks promising. I guess I could request a banner, but if I have to provide images... I'm stuck. All of the images I have are in my head. They usually look a lot better there. ;)
If you have any tips about banners, I'd love it if you could message me on the forums. It would be great to hear from you again!

Thank you, thank you, thank you, one thousand times over, for all of your compliments! They made me feel all fuzzy inside. :) I'm still getting used to the idea of being a semi-published-ish-well-sort-of-not-really-author-type-thing on the forums, and I tend to fangirl about the positive reviews I get! Thank you for liking my writing. :D

And thanks very much also for your constructive criticism. I will absolutely take a look at my chapter spacing, and give some more hints about Persephone's appearance as well. I think my biggest problem as an author is the face of the character. What do they look like?
With me, it has a way of changing daily. But I promise to be better about that!!

As for Arnold's bipolarity... I guess I got a little sick of him being mean and made him do an about-face---which is definitely a little unfeasible. I'll look into that, too, and try to make his character more cohesive. I like to think that somewhere in his wretched anti-feminism is a tiny spark of empathy for Persephone, but it needs to be revealed a bit more gradually.

Many thanks for saying that I'm talented and that you favorited this story. As I am currently suffering from writer's block, I feel slumpish, and this review really made my night!!

~UnluckyStar57


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Review #25, by Phoenix_feather123 No Turning Back

22nd November 2012:
Phoenix here from the review tag!

Well, I thought this was great. I don't know what "The Society" is or who are the two people, but overall I thought the plot and story was great. This was well written, with a good amount of detail: No too much so the reader's brain gets mushed and tangled, but not too little so that you have no idea what so ever is going on.

I really enjoyed this little read, and I hope to find out more about this.
~Phoenix

Author's Response: Thanks very much!!

Hopefully the next chapter should be up soon... I just posted it this week. :)
I tried to make the first chapter a little vague so that it wouldn't be too obvious from the get-go of what the story is about.
Thank you for your lovely compliments. :D


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