I already love this story. Please update!!Author's Response: Thank you. I'll update soon. =) Report Review
What a cliff hanger...one chapter and I'm already hooked to the story!!! Update soon!Author's Response: Hi! I'm glad you found my fic. There will be update for this very soon. =)
Thank you for the review! =) Report Review
Ho! Ho! Ho! Happy holidays!
This is an interesting opening chapter in many ways. First, I like your main character, Tam. She is interesting and I kinda want to know more about her (for example, I do wonder if her dad is Cormac and, if so, how he got into the good graces of the Weasley family at some point !! ).
One other thing I liked about this story is the fact that you made Albus and Louis Ravenclaws instead of classic Gryffindors or Slytherins. It's a good point of view and an original one at that.
I noticed a few errors that I wish to point out to you in order for you to improve this already great chapter.
"Thatís probably because itís exactly right conclusion, sweetie..."; I'm sorry but there seems to be a word or two missing in this sentence because I don't understand it...
"We ran like a wind towards the train..."; shouldn't it be "ran like THE wind"?
"...As if she didnít she know,..."; there's an extra "she" in this sentence
That's it. See? It wasn't anything major, just little things.
I enjoyed this chapter and hope you will continue it; it'll be quite the interesting summer for Tam and Louis... in the same house... under Bill's careful eye...
Your Secret Santa :)Author's Response: Happy holidays!
Yes, Tam's father is Cormac. It definitely adds some interesting times in later chapters, plus Cormac McLaggen as a father? Such a fun idea. =P
Thanks for pointing out the errors. Once the queue opens, I will fix those as soon as possible.
I'm glad you enjoyed the beginning. I've the next chapter ready, but the queue closed a couple of hours earlier than I expected and thus it will be updated after Christmas.
I can see Bill being very interesting father figure. It will be a summer to remember. ;) Thank you for the review, dear Santa. So nice of you to stop by. =) Report Review
Hehehe, i like the idea of failed spellwork and how is massively made her hair a disaster. It reminded me of all my failed dyed hair attempts and i can just imagine her disdain. :D
I recently read a blog post about tired NextGen romance's and using the same plot line over and over. When i read this i was reminded of this because i didn't agree with the blog because it's the different twists in the stories that make a story great. This seems different already. It's not set at the Burrow, you're using Louis and Dom. I think you do have a great start to a story here and creating something really interesting. The tension that is bound to happen from the kiss and I like that it comes from her trying to use diverting tactics rather than her actually wondering if she likes him or not :D
Tam seems like an interesting character, she's spunky, a little out there, but fun to read about. I would like to know more about her, but i am glad you didn't shove all the information about her right away. No one likes information overload ;D
This mysterious critter though intrigues me and why Lysander is using his girlfriend as a smuggler. It makes for an interesting story and a nice twist on all the nextgen stories out there. Great job!Author's Response: Hi! Thanks for the review! =)
I'm glad you find this story to be fresh amongst its peers. I guess the dilemma with Next Gen stories is that they need more character development from writers, where as Hogwarts era or Marauders are already filled with strong personalities ready to use.
I love the Shell Cottage and the sea, so it was easy to choose it for main location. There will be some other places, but I will try to stay out of typical Weasley gatherings.
I'm glad you like Tam. She has pretty strong personality, which makes her quite fun to write. She and the rest of the gang will have quite a summer adventure ahead of them.
Happy holidays! =) Report Review
I am highly amused that there would be 100 failsafe ways to charm your hair, because how many ways do you need, really? But of course, it would be just as easy to fail in spellwork as it is with our lowly Muggle dye and blonde somehow turns flamingo-worthy pink 8D
Hee, I like Dom. Smuggling possibly illegal creatures to her boyfriend, I love it. It's exactly the sort of silly antics I'd expect a witch to get up to. Tam's cute trying to defend it too, from overly polite Louis. I think the scene in the train was a little roundabout, as I was wee confused at all the people getting introduced and I sometimes forgot who was in the scene or just being described, but the scene at the end was nice! I like how she's slowly noticed Louis has grown up a bit; it's natural and shows in their interaction.
Ah, and here's a few typos I found:
an understatement of the year -> the understatement
in my wild dreams -> wildest
in towel -> in a towel
I'd also suggest toning down the descriptions of physical appearances a bit, and in its place, take some time to describe more aspects of Tam's life, as I do feel like I learned a lot more about the Weasleys than her, and it is her story, after all. It's a cute beginning! :)Author's Response: Hi! Thank you for your review! =)
I would imagine that the book with failsafe hair charming spells would look pretty similar than weird catalogues that hairdressers tend to give for customers who can't decided whether to get a pixie cut, bob or whatever have you, just with spell instructions.
I'm glad you like my characters, and yes I noticed that I have to concentrate more to Tam in next chapters. There will be lots more of that in chapter two. I will have to check that train scene and see if I can get it more clearer.
Thank you for pointing out typos. I will fix those immediately. Report Review
Hi darling! Yay for Christmas review swaps!
Okay so I must've read this sometime ago without reviewing because I definitely remember it. I'm so happy to have gotten the chance to read it again and am clearly reviewing this time ;)
I like the start of it. Making yourself look like an idiot because you're trying a bit of beautification is something I'm sure most girls can relate too. It took me forever to get the smokey eye look down without looking gothic :P although pink hair is a bit harder to get rid of..
And now I'm going to puke. The idea of pulling out vomit covered socks from nearly six months ago.. That's terrible. Absolutely terrible. I can understand why the house elves won't even touch them! I like your choices if characters so far and I really hope we see Fleur soon! I love writing her to pieces, so obliviously I love reading about her as well! But in really excited that your doing a story focusing in her children, because that doesn't happen nearly enough.
Seeing Dom smitten with someone is such a lovely change of pace!! I wonder of Louis will have the same sort of attitude in a relationship or if he'll be a big more head strong...
I hope you continue this, m'dear! This was a lovely first chapter.
Oh and I apologize for any random errors, I wrote this on my iPhone and it auto corrects the stupidest things!Author's Response: Hi sweetie! So glad you stopped by. =)
I guess every girl can identify with some kind of beauty crisis. Heavens know, I have had plenty of those myself as well. =)
We will definitely see Fleur very soon, she's in the third chapter, and we will see her and Bill quite frequently. I love their children. I guess it's not as cool to have a veela and a cursebreaker as parents as it is to have one or two who saved the Wizarding World, but I definitely like them. Plus there will be some McLaggens in future chapters as well. Can you imagine Cormac as a daddy? =P That should be super fun!
We will see what will happen to kids... ;)
Thank you for the review! And happy holidays! =) Report Review
This was a nice introductory chapter. I like your characters, and the building of the story. The scene setting seems to be good. Your dialogues are creative and in tone with the story. I didn't spot any grammar/spelling mistakes either.
All in all, good job :)
(AditiDraco95)Author's Response: Hi! I'm glad you enjoyed reading it. My next gen OCs are bit of oddballs, but I guess that it what makes them so much fun to write about. =)
Thanks for the review! Report Review
Hello. I'm here for the review exchange over at the common room.
I have to say I really enjoyed this. Your take on the first person narrative worked out well. I could feel a connection to the character. Her inner train of thoughts was rather amusing and some expressions made me crack up. Also, the entire pink hair scenario and Tam's comments about it were really funny too. I think that your OC is well-rounded for now. She's definitely interesting, not overbearing, as in being too perfect or falling into usual stereotypes of OCs.
I also liked that for this story you pulled out characters that aren't used as often in NextGen. Instead of James and Scorpius and Rose, there's Dom and Louis. And instead of the Burrow, most of the setting will probably take place at Shell Cottage. I love Shell Cottage and there're so many ways you can work with that place and the nature around, since there's some wild creature locked in the trunk.
Which brings me to the thing at hand...I think what makes this first chapter so intriguing that it's not the usual summer romance beginning, which I have to admit wouldn't grab me as much. But you added something new with a hint of mystery that really livened up the potential of the plot. I loved the ending of the chapter of how Tam kissed Louis as to prevent him from opening the truck. It was a brilliant move and a great way for them to kiss without it being too soon or just random. It's bound to create tension and it is from the point of the reader plausible, so great job on that.
I see you haven't updated this in a while, but I really hope you do as I can feel this story has lots of potential. Good luck with writing and let me know on the forums if you update. :)
LizAuthor's Response: Hi! Thank you for stopping by for the review! =)
I was bit worried about using the first person point of view, but Tam's personality emerged practically from the very first sentences. She's so much fun to write.
I love Shell Cottage! I dunno why people prefer to use the Burrow for every little shindig and school holiday, when there's so many other choices. I love number 12, Grimmauld Place as well. That place has so much character on its own.
There's definitely going to be nice doses of mystery and adventure in this story. It's a rather upbeat story, but there will be some twists here and there. While it has some romance, it still won't be the only thing going on here. =)
The kiss in chapter one seems to make people talk a lot.
I've been putting the finishing touches on chapter two here today and probably will continue tomorrow, so hopefully I get the next chapter out before the queue closes for Christmas. Report Review
I'm quite fond of pink hair, as it happens. :P
Anyway. That's got nothing to do with the review. Erm. So.
I can't begin to tell you how happy I am that Tam's cut to the chase and just kissed the guy already. If more fic did that, then there would be a lot less novels and a lot more one-shots. Thank you for doing that, I really appreciate it, just a breath of fresh air.
And I like Tam, too - she isn't omg-so-snarky like so many othe OCs, but she still has a sense of humour.
Your Next Gen kids are also well-thought-out characters, which is sadly rare in fic, so well done there.
Your Britishisms are very good, too, but you've still got a bit of Americanism in there, and maybe these sentences:
>I hate when she makes sense. So I blew her a raspberry. Just because I could.
could've been two sentences rather than three, 'cause short sentences like that place a lot of emphasis on what is happening - so they're usually used in mystery or horror - and there isn't a lot happening there.
Maybe I'm just nitpicky, but still.
Anyway, happy writing, and I'll see you around. :)Author's Response: Hi! Thank you for your review! =)
Yeah, quite many fanfics seem to be more focused on how to make characters kiss each other than how to cultivate a plot. And since I like to revolt against any existing tropes that I find, I decided to mix things up a bit. =)
I'm glad you like my characters. I'm quite fond of them myself. They are my gang. =P
Thanks for pointing out the issues. I'll try to find those Americanisms, but they can be quite sneaky ones and try to hide from me. Report Review
Ah! Such an awesome first chapter! I've always wanted to read a story about Louis because, in my head, he's a really interesting character. So I'm gad your story has kept him that way.
So far, I think you're doing a wonderful job with all the humour. The conversations between the characters were very entertaining and the little scene between Louis and Tam in the end was so well-written.
I also really like the characters so far. Even though this is the first chapter, you've managed to give us a good glimpse at some of the characters. I think you've introduced them in a rather smooth manner, without being overbearing with details and boring introductions. I have a thing for stories that lunge straightforward into the action -I'm yet to see one that has a kiss in chapter one, though!
I would love to read the following chapter and see what's going to happen to Tam this summer! Great job and good luck with the rest of the story!
-MannoAuthor's Response: Hi! Thank you for the review! Sorry that it took me a while to answer to it.
Humor seems to be my forte, so you can be assured that there will be some throughout this story. I'm aiming it to be a happy-go-lucky story with a touch of romance and adventure. =)
I like to read very action centered stories myself, so writing those comes naturally to me. What I actually dread to write are the chapters with long meaningful discussions. But I'll cross that bridge when I come into it.
Thanks! This story will hopefully continue soonish. =) Report Review
So I only came here for Pass the Parcel for the HC at the forums, and I found a new favourite story instead :D Hurrah! I really, really enjoyed this one. I adore Louis in general, but yours and Tam are absolutely hilarious. They really caught my interest, and the last line *falls over giggling* Well, that will certainly make an interesting second chapter is all I can say!
I didn't spot many mistakes at all, though there was this one - shouldn't it be Professor Beamish instead of Mr? It just makes more sense and all, but other than that this story is a perfect one for the summer. Everything made me laugh, or at least smile - the explanation about Lysander and Dom, the horrid dye job, Tam's hate for haggis, everything! This was an absolutely lovely read and I can't wait for the next chapter :)
--LinnAuthor's Response: Hi! Thanks for the review!
Pass the Parcel was so fun! Glad you found a new favorite, that's the best part of participating in review competitions, finding all the hidden gems. =)
Yes, he's the Charms professor, but I wanted to give some extra info on him. Thus he became Charms professor, Mr. Beamish. =) Plus I haven't yet decided his first name.
It's so cool to hear what things each reader finds fun. The next chapter is going to queue this weekend. Hint hint. ;) Report Review
Okay so that was hilarious!^^ I love Louis and am really sad that Louis/OC is so... rare!!! OoO So far I think your characters are interesting though I didn't quite get the feel of Dom yet :) I love the plotline and cliff-hangers are quite interesting ;) And really? A kiss in chapter one? That's unheard of!! xD I like it though :P
The only thing I could suggest is a... tightening in flow? Not sure how to explain it, but your character seems to be a little too rambly, though I know that's what you were aiming for here's one of the little tricks I've learned from years (okay just one) of writing humor: don't insist on the funny parts. If you just slide the crazy odd comparisons and your character's rambly nature as though they were completely normal and not different or weird in the least, it gives a much better effect ;) Just a little tip :P
Keep this up because I like where it's going and it's really good :)
-JuneAuthor's Response: Hi! Thanks for the review! =)
I love Louis as well and since he usually is either a sidekick or just another Weasley, I really wanted to give him some chance to show what he's capable of.
I really like to surprise the readers, so if I got there with the kiss, all the better. =)
I will check the flow, thanks for pointing it out. This is the closest I have ever written a romcom, so hopefully it will work out. Report Review
That last line had me laughing for a while. Though I gotta give it to Tam, she's a quicker thinker.
This was an enjoyable chapter and I like you writing style it's smooth and entertaining. I hope you reveal what is in the trunk (hopefully nothing too dangerous.)Author's Response: Hi and thank you for the review! =)
I'm glad you enjoyed it. Tam is very fun to write about and I guess that shows in this fic.
I have plenty of plans for that trunk and for what is in it. You'll just have to wait and see. =P Report Review
"The impending doom will hit me in a month or so. Until then, the adulthood can kiss my smooth behind."
This. *points up* Was priceless.
You have a smooth writing style that is so pleasant to read. I really enjoyed this chapter all the way through. Your opening scene pulled me into the story without bogging me down in the details of where you were coming from, and I appreciate that so much. Your characters show us who they are too. I like Tam and her easy way of moving through the scene. Her casual brushes with the other canon characters are very well done.
I especially liked the commentary on diversion tactics and the subsequent usage of said tactics by Tam. Both with the luggage and with Luis. Having him be the one using Veela trickery was extremely interesting, not that I was sure he actually was using it. But the thought of a male Veela... I just never thought of that before. It was fresh and new and excited me somehow.
Your choice to use the "sloshing sound and a faint hiss" was enough of a clue as to what was in the trunk. You kept it mysterious and of course I want to know what is inside!
Well done on the first chapter! I would love to hang out and see the next one... oops. I guess I'll have to wait for it.
A great read!Author's Response: Yay! Thank you. It's so fun to read which parts of the story readers like.
This chapter was very quick and easy to write, since it's more a cute summer story and has lighter plot than my other WIPs. Apparently it shows.
Tam is definitely growing on me. She's the most impulsive of my OC girls, but in a way it's very refreshing. She and Louis, well it remains to be seen, which part of it is just chemistry and which part trickery... ;)
Thank you for reading it. So cool for you to stop by. =) Report Review
Tagging you from the Review the Person Above You thread in the common room.
So I really had no idea what to expect when I clicked on this and I was pleasantly surprised. You write very well. The story flowed nicely and it was an easy read. I thought you had a good mix of dialog and narrative and you write Tam's inner monologue very well.
The pink hair immediately made me think of Tonks, although the story clearly has nothing to do with her. Nevertheless, it was an easy image to get my head around, as were most of the visuals you were painting. You're good with small details, like the rugs and floors in the common room. They add a lot of richness to your writing.
I thought your characters were very believable. Each of them sounded about right for their age, and you had a nice range of personality types. I didn't find your characterization of the Potter-Weasley children boring or cliche, which is a rarity in Next Gen romance stories. I really, really hope that you can keep it going as you broaden and advance the story.
As far as constructive criticism, I don't have all that much to offer at this point. You're very early in the story and mostly all I can say is keep up the good work. I noticed one small typo:
-- "As if she didnít she know, that the bugger could be very persistent." - As if she didn't know?Author's Response: Yay, go Gryffies! Thanks for the review. =)
I was bit worried about the comparison to Tonks when I started to write this story, but then Tam just emerged and took over my story. I think her quirky personality will win people over. =)
Since this is just going to be a novella, I think that there won't be every single one of the Wotters around. I do hope though, that ones that we will meet, will be memorable and hopefully not very cliche. =)
Thanks for noting the typo. Sometimes one just becomes blind to one's mistakes. I gotta read it through again. Report Review
Lovely! Really well written and made me laugh to boot. Interesting that she's a Mclaggen! Can't wait to find out what was in the trunkAuthor's Response: Thank you. I'm hoping that this story will be light and breezy compared to my other WIPs and that it will be packed with laughs. I think we can expect really interesting family meetings with the McLaggens in the future. Cormac as a daddy... oh boy, it should be fun. Report Review
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