I really liked this story and getting the opportunity to see Pansy really come to life in ways that I thought until now unimaginable. I thought you did a great job writing this and really showing us the character. I liked how it reflected the war and what was going through the minds of the Slytherin's as they just waited. I thought you also did a great job bringing out the characteristics of Slytherin house in your descriptions of the members.
Keep up the great writing and Good Luck in the challenge! =)
-SR17Author's Response: Hello! Thank you for being so kind and for reading this story. I do love Pansy much and to give her credit, she's one of the characters that I feel very misjudged. I'm glad I've impart my thoughts about the Slytherin house!
Hello, here for your review!
I very much like the repetition in the first paragraph, it sets a great tone!
The rhythmic clicking of soles of shoes of every student from I feel like ‘of’ is repeated too many times in this. Maybe something like, “The rhythmic clicking echoing from the soles of every Slythern students’ shoes. Just something to help it flow a bit better.
I really like your descriptions of how they reacted to being told to leave and remain in the dungeons. It seems very realistic that the Slytherins would show no emotion, but remain proud and emotionless.
This is from that third paragraph But something was common. I think you mean to say, ‘but they all had something in common.” or something along those lines.
This is a very powerful paragraph, I really like it!
She saw her in the Great Hall, standing by her friend, Wonderboy Potter and the Weasel. She looked stressed and matured; she looked like she'd seen more than enough to last her a lifetime. Everyone who stood by them had that same look in their eyes, something she'd seen before. Something she wished she didn't see.
Okay: I just need some general comments on my writing, especially the style. Thank you. - So besides what I’ve already addressed, I’m going to go over these.
You are building a strong writing style. You do a great job of taking us through the story, giving us a decent mental image of what’s going on, and getting inside your characters head. But you do have some odd errors, sentences that don’t make much sense, and a few typos. I think you should check out the quick betas section! Beta - readers are great. Nearly all of us that work on Novels have one, then that quick beta section is for one shots. They read over your story and really help purge it of any typos while smoothing out the flow.
You have a very strong idea with this story, and that makes it incredible interesting. With just a tiny bit of tweaking it could be improved a lot, and this is really what this site is for. To help our fellow writers to improve :)!
I love the emotions you have playing through Pansy as she realizes that they aren’t much different from her. That no matter what, everything will change, and ultimately I think she does realize that she’s on the wrong side. I was sort of guessing it was her during it, but didn’t for sure know -- you did a good job delivering that twists!
So, like I said, if you really want to take this to the next step check out that beta section.
Thank you for the request! I hope it was helpful!
JamiAuthor's Response: Hello Jami,
To be quite honest, I didn't really realize how the responses for this story would be, especially since, it'll be my second time to write Pansy in a different sort of way. But I'm very glad about your review. This will help me a lot.
Thank you for pointing out my mistakes. I'm not an native English speaker, and I tend to post my stories once I'm done with it and happy with it. I know it is a terrible habit, but I do that quite a lot lately. However, I'm very glad that readers like you point that out to me. I'll shall do your suggestions.
Thank you for pointing out my strengths too. I'm quite fond of the paragraph you had pointed out. In fact, that's one of my favorite paragraphs in all literary works I've done before. I feel actually quite close to Slytherins, if only because of the expectations set on them. I feel they deserve more than be just the villain.
Thank you for the wonderful review! It is deeply appreciated.
-Elaine Report Review
This is a really interesting one shot that you have here, because it is different.
Very rarely is a Slytherin in Hogwarts area that isnt't Draco explored, which makes your story unique. Even better is that not only is your story about Pansy, but it is about her while the war is going on.
I like that throughout this, Pansy subtly questions what she was raised to believe. She couldn't help but come to the conclusion that the words that had always been so important to her meant nothing.
Your one shot made me feel a bit of empathy for the Slytherins who weren't involved, the 'innocents' so to speak. They are merely children and their part in this war is minimal.
I also like that you touched on the fact that while the other houses were fighting, the Slytherins were waiting in the dungeons, unsure of what was going to happen to them, what would happen next.
~CassieAuthor's Response: Hi Cassie! Thank you for reviewing. I'm glad you liked it, and found it different. That's really spot on because it is the goal of my one-shot and the challenge itself.
I've always found pansy very intriguing, because there is little known about her, and the Slytherins in general. In fact, I really like to know what the Slytherins feel, their lifestyle and all. If all of these exist, oh the possibilities.
Thank you for reviewing. I'm thoroughly glad that the message have sent across.. Thank you.
-elaine Report Review
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