Good chapter, loved Tom just walking past and basically saying "I've seen someone die." The relationship between Sophie and her friends is really good: I'd love to see if that is going to be shaken up a bit!
Only thing is the chapters are quite widely spaced apart and you might want to edit that. Other than that, great again!Author's Response: Yeah...Tom's a funny one :) Ah, you will see! What's being sixteen without friend drama? I've been working on that. I realized they need a bit information and be a little less choppy. I wrote the first two chapters months ago and started working again so they are a bit sketchy. The next chapters will be longer and flow better. I'll upload it as soon as my new story is validated :)
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Again, another really good chapter. In my stories I'm so rubbish at writing best friends, they always come across as lame, uncaring or whiny. You, however, made it seem like Sophie had some really good friends and the banter was perfect.
I also really liked how you didn't have her swoon over Tom straight away, and she is a little bit aloof. You've also established her character really well.
Couple of typos (died instead of dyed) but everyone does that! And I'm really nit picking now but I'm guessing you are American (I could be wrong!) because of the phrase "meat-headed jock". It's not a very English saying! Other than that, great again!Author's Response: Oh good, I was worried they just seemed awkward and unrealistic. Don't worry, I'm pretty bad at it too. I started another fic on here and my characters may be a little robotic if that makes sense? Yeah, Sophie is not a fan girl that's for sure. You're good, I am American, Mid-West in fact. I come with the yeah, you bets, and you knows? I didn't know people didn't say that. What would be an appropriate phrase that you recommend for future reference?
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Really interesting idea. I LOVE Tom Riddle stories, and I love how in this chapter you pull the reader right in with your "declaration of intent" for this story (i.e. explaining how Tom was broken by Sophie.)
I also really liked how your language was very colloquial and portrayed your character's background. There were a couple of words that I think (though am not sure) should have capital letters at the beginning such as Muggle and Muggle-born, but other than that your style flowed really well.
The only thing I would say (because there has got to be some constructive criticism!) is the paragraph where you explain how his hatred of Muggles extended from Sophie breaking his heart sounds a little implausible in relation to canon events, but it definitely could be a contributing factor. I think it would be really interesting if you explored other reasons that Tom went bad alongside Sophie's story to make him a really well rounded character.
Other than that, I thought it was a great start and I hope you keep writing!Author's Response: Thanks :) I thought it would possibly be a cool spin off Riddle. OH, you are right. Muggle is capitalized. Missed that. Thanks, I'll change that as soon as I can. There are definitely other reasons to his hatred. Sophie doesn't know, of course, because not many knew about Tom's past, so she blames herself. I plan on including more. I have to change a few things, however. Because Tom is popular in this story and in J.K.'s he just had followers. You know? But I'll put in canon events, no worries ;)
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I really want to see you write more of this! Wether I find this story again or not! You should try and contact me somehow with updates! my account never stays up while I'm reading so I'm not connected to this story to go back :( But my name is what I signed with so contact it!!! :)
LLGAuthor's Response: Aww thanks :) I was actually going to give up on this, but you've motivated me to stick with it :) I'll try to contact you with an update! Report Review
Yay first review! Cant wait to see where this is going!
LLGAuthor's Response: Thank you so kindly :) I'm glad you like my story! Report Review
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