pssst Petra is also a fab name. like Maud or Hercule or something. we need a fancy old-fashioned names revival. Petra is just the start.
I love this little assembly of people. baww baww bawww they are so cute, I would like to keep them on my bookshelf for a rainy day. (again, this review may as well have been sleep-talked for all the sense it makes)
Albus dusting his trousers this boy is just too precious can I keep him
(PSST, FERN, 'TIS A ZIPWIRE Y'KNOW) I actually really like that little passage. this fic is all kind of ~existentialist angst~ but in a light and floaty way - kind of hard to explain, but the atmosphere is just perfect here and I am feelin' it (except saying I'm feelin' it makes it seem a bit silly when it isn't)
how did I ever pass english literature with such fine literay criticism as this? then again, there were no Albuses in the books I studied at school. wish there had been.
(teeny wee nitpick - there are a couple of tense confusions here and there, like in the sentence beginning 'as I rushed hurriedly to class' but that is alll)
hugs for Petra. owwh this fic is the perfect mix of sad and happy, like...floatiness with pathos.
ohnonono I like my stories serious now and again. I'm really looking forward to reading the rest of this, and I hope you update soon! :D ♥Author's Response: is it really? well I came up with her name while putting some petroleum jelly on my chapped lips so I thought of Petro..and then Petra.
yup. I'm just that cool&creative. (and weird)
Thankyou! :D bleckh I wish I could make a heart but I dunno how you do it. the crocodile sign with the three ain't working.
I WANT A RAINY DAY. it rains, like, once in a purple moon where I live. Also, I'm honoured my characters have a place on your bookshelf.
ah, tenses D: my weakness, specially at three in the morning when I wrote it. no worries I'll go over it when I get the time.
omg no don't say that! :3 there's a lot more of sad to come..and happy too. but I shall not ruin it for you - plus I think I've given too much away. but if you like seriousness...then that's awesome.
I hope I can update soon but don't kill me if winter comes before I do, I'm supah busy. Sorry for the late reply and thanks a million!!
HOLD DA PHONE!!#!~1~~!~!
sorry for the capslock and the punctuation but I ONLY JUST found this story again after randomly clicking onto it in recently added many moons ago - I made a mental note to refind-it and review but I am severly lacking in finding skills (I am a bad, bad hufflepuff) and it took me these many moons to locate it again.
herbology academy, yes please! whatever JKR says, I have this obstinate headcanon of all these post-hogwarts academies and such.
also the name Fern is fab, just like the use of the word fab in this story is fab because more people need to use the word fab and it is up to people like you and me to make people say 'fab' more often.
also (I also like the word also and it is beginning to lose all meaning) FIFI LAFOLLE. the mills & boon of potterland! I've been a wee bit tempted to write about her for a while but, alas, things to do, tea to drink and such. baww, Fern, I'm sure Grandma Lafolle would approve, she could write a story called 'liasons with trowels' or something and it'd all be fab.
okay I might as well have sleep-talked this review because it's so incoherent but
albus popping out of his mother, omg. no please do not give me these mental images, all I wanted was a quiet saturday night in with some tea and fic.
WAIT HARRY POTTER METAPHORICALLY KICKED THE BUCKET HOW. lololol the boy who lived...except he didn't. that's a bit of a par.
the way Fern talks sounds a lot like how I sound in my own brain. that sounded very creepy but, well, I will just leave it there.
when I see Albus I hear it like 'Al-BOOS' in my head. jsyk.
methinks Fern should tell Albus about her tennis ball of feelings. maybe she should serve them to him. maybe she could net a date. maybe it'd be love all. OH TENNIS PUNS.
I must name this ship. HMS FERNBUS.
I ship it.
in a nutshell, ee bah gum I love eet ♥ ♥ ♥ keep it up!Author's Response: HOLDIN' DA PHONE! #~1 ~!!
Thankyou so much hun! :D
Fernbus, with the italics, sounds too cool. The tennis ball shall remain in her court for a while - and maybe he'll serve it back? or maybe not.*evilplottwists* Tennis is a menace [gah, even I cringed at the lameness of that one] and I can't ruin the story for you. plus I change the plot, like, every five seconds. D:
Fifi LaFolle is just such a fab name. I kind of imagine her as someone with pink lipstick who drinks too much tea = posh grandma.
Yes fab is deffo too fab.
No, I love incoherent reviews! (maybe it means I left you speechless? ;D )
The newspaper article was probably titled, "Boy Who Lived Died". Irony.
Thanks a bunch again! I had loads of fun answering :DDD
ps the way Fern talks is how i wish everyone talked, so no worries. Your brain is probably too cool. Report Review
Hello there! It's AC here reviewing for the improvement challenge. Sorry it's take a little while, there's quite a few reviews to do so I've been feeling quite intimidated by the whole prospect of getting to them, but here we are.
So, I'm pretty sure the only other piece of your writing that I've read was the 'haunted' and I've got to say that I think that style suited you more - that sounds horrible, but I don't mean it in a horrible way whatsoever. I just think that this Humour style is less up your street than the more retrospective style of 'Haunted'.
Okay, so back to focusing as I'm getting slightly sidetracked. Firstly, I love the whole 'Fern' thing. I really appreciate it in real life when these sorts of things just align. I'm real big on words.
Although, fanfiction is quite saturated with authors using stupid names as an introduction to humour/romance novels. It makes sense to introduce your characters first by name, but it's just unfortunate that this sort of things happens so regularly in fanfiction that it's not fresh anymore. I'd say, for this, maybe it would be better to start with talking about the herbology and then deviate into the bit about her name. Or maybe you could shake up the structure slightly? First chapters are vitally important to grip hold of an audience and get the reader involved, so you could always start with a chapter with a mini plot. It might be really interesting to start with a mini bit about these campaigns, for example, then skip to one of the bits of plot and end with the introduction to the characters? Just to make your story stand out.
Okay, just a thing - you use the word 'fab' so many times that I want to throw something at Fern. That's actually not a terrible thing, because I can practically hear her voice so that's practically realistic but, still, the level of repetition is sort of... grating, actually. I definitely think you should keep it as a word she uses regularly, but maybe cut out some of the uses of it. Because she's right, it does make her sound as though she's thirteen a little bit.
The favourite part of the chapter was definitely the end bit - I thought that was a really interesting and intriguing way to end it. A great way to end it and it was so intriguing it exciting and I really liked it.
One thing I've got to say is that a mixture between the formatting and the structure of this was a little off. There's quite wide spacing between each line, which is fine, but it draws attention to how bitty the chapter is. The whole chapter is comprised of one line paragraphs and, although there is nothing wrong with it, as it's in the person person perspective it makes your character feel a little empty headed to me - it just makes me think, really, that there's not much going on in her mind. More description of everything, really, like there is in 'Haunted' would really ground this story and make it a lot richer and more full to read, which I think would really make reading the whole thing more enjoyable.
I have absolutely no idea why Albus is always written as albus so I really want to find out some more about that.
In terms of characterisation, I think that your characters are really quite unique - I like a plant obsessed Albus who likes dissecting and your wandering Fern and all the others that you've introduced us too so I think you should capitalise on your skill at characterisation a little bit more: give us more information about what each character is like. Not necessarily in the beginning bit, but as we go along - show, not tell. Like... I know that Albus and Fern are close because he recognises the fact that she doesn't understand the french, and tells her without her needing to ask - little tibits like that. Just think about what each little moment says about the characters. And then, talk about their expressions and gestures and the tone of their voices as they talk to add an extra level to the characterisation. That will add to the more description, too, and will altogether make the story feel more solid rather than all up in the air.
Another thing to watch is that, although I did vaguely guess that they were at a Herbology school, I thought that you could have made the details of that clearer at the beginning.
Basically, this was a really interesting first chapter that I did enjoy (honestly, as much as a lot of this is constructive criticism, don't think that I didn't enjoy this chapter because I really did), but for the sake of the challenge and improvement I'd say, basically, that you should focus on first not falling into the expected traps in this sort of genre. There are a lot of stories that fit into this category on the archives, and you really want to make yours different and unique and clever. Secondly would be getting deeper into the description of your characters, because you've characterised them brilliantly and I want to know more . And third would be more description, full stop.
So, thank you so very much for entering this challenge and hopefully this review was helpful to you in some way :)
-ACAuthor's Response: Wow. Okay, firstly, thankyou so much for the review! I really appreciate it. It must have took you so much effort and time.
I think once I wrote Haunted as well, I realised that too because all of a sudden I'm more comfortable writing in that style. After realising that, I properly planned this whole story. The later chapters, and only a little in the next one, are more dark/angsty/adventurous than humorous. I just feel better with it that way.
Okay, so the reason I used 'fab' and her weird way of saying 'Albus' so much was because this story is based on growing up. That sounds very boring, I know, but I went overboard to make it clear and underline that she's immature.
You're absolutely, one hundred percent, right about description. A lot of people have told me description is my forte, and with that lacking I think I'm not so happy with this story now that you've pointed it out, so I will definitely fix that a lot.
So I wrote this chapter last year, and I hadn't read much fanfiction then, so when I was fixing the plot I realised how stereotypical and common it is. I'm working on fixing it and changing it drastically.
Again, thankyou so so much! :D I'm so glad about all the criticism because it will honestly help me improve this! I hope the next chapter is better. Report Review
It was pretty good! Definitely room for improvement-I think you--or Fern--use the word 'fab' too often-but it shows promise!! I'll definitely be looking for the next chapter!Author's Response: thankyou! yeah that's Fern, I'll tone it down a bit. Report Review
First off - I love the idea of a school about Herbology - I really like the types of different schools people are coming up with! And Fern! I love her name, and the fact that it's a pun, and I seriously adore her in general. I agree - I don't want to grow up either, but sadly, there's nothing anyone can do about it. She'll just have to live with it.
And *le gasp*! Harry's dead?!? I think I was always under the impression that he would never die - I mean, he's the Boy Who Lived, isn't he?
This was such a good start to the story, and I really quite enjoyed it! Henri and Petra are lovely, and I adore Albus, of course! I really can't wait to see what direction this story is going in, and I will definitely keep up with it. Well done!Author's Response: thankyou! Report Review
this is a really original idea, I love the whole herbology school thing, that's really cool! Fern is a funny character to read and I loved how she was born to be a pun.
Harry Potter's dead?! I was not expecting that but oddly enough I really like that sort of twist and I think you did something new to the whole liking Albus thing :)
Although I was a tad confused why Fern keeps calling him Albus at first I thought it was just me being stupid but I'm pretty sure you didn't mention why...unless you'll mention it in later chapters?
There's nothing really to fault about this, I really enjoyed it!Author's Response: Thankyou so much! :) Well I will, but there's nothing complicated so don't worry about it.
I really appreciate the review. Report Review
Harry Potter is dead?! Eep. I always thought he'd be The Boy Who Wouldn't Die. Ah well.
I'm really liking this! I love all the characters, and how they act. Also, I can't wait to read more.
Question: why does she say Albus? I mean, did you mention it, and I'm just too thick to notice, or didn't you?..
UPDATE SOON!Author's Response: I think I did that because I wanted something different in the story...
Thankyou so much! Well, no I haven't mentioned it. I will later on, but basically it's just an annoying habit.
I'll try my best :) Report Review
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