THIS STORY IS SO BEAUTIFUL! I just finished listening to the podcast on HPPC and thought I'd come here and leave a review! :)
First of all, I adore your style of writing! The words just seem so calculated and they flow with elegance that makes the emotions included come across PERFECTLY. You've got me on the verge of tears because the way you've phrased George's feelings and emotions is just wonderful!
I also really admire what you've done with Percy! How he's changed the way he works with things but, basically, he's still the same person. It is nice to see him be a bit more sympathetic -I mean, he's helping his younger brother and that counts for sympathetic when Percy is the character in question, correct? Even if all he truly talks about is business plans?
I really like this line: "He really had become middle aged over night."
Even though it's simple, it does get the way George is feeling across quite bluntly. It made me want to hug him and tell him that it's all going to turn out okay.
You really do have a wonderful first chapter here! I'm very intrigued to see what will happen next and hopefully, I'll be able to come back soon and see where you take this! :D
-MannoAuthor's Response: Ahhh thank youuu!
I haven't been on HPFF in ages, and to come back to this is lovely :)
Firstly, thanks for commenting on my writing style, I really appreciate that- it's hard not to make things OTT when writing angsty stuff, so thanks again :)
Also yes, that's exactly the way I'd wanted Percy to come across. He isn't exactly used to being compassionate towards his family members, and I felt that trying to help him get back on his feet was Percy's way of showing he cared :)
Thanks again for this review! I'll get busy writing some more. So happy about that podcast too, haha!
-Olive Report Review
This was an eerie chapter. I loved it! The dream disturbed me because the doppelganger thing always unnerves me. Great progress so far. It doesnt feel too slow. Keep writing! Report Review
I loved this chapter! The entire story is great so far. It was the language that pulled me in from the beginning. You have a simple and fantastic writing style. I'm just plowing through chapters one after the other and i must say I'm a little sad to see only seven lol I feel like i could read on and on. I like rare pairs like this.
I think the characters are spot on. Percy, Mrs Weasely and the way George is dealing with the grief is very realistic. Luna is a very hard character to write but I think you did her justice. Looking forward to see how she'll develop and the romance *winks* Cant wait for that. Onward!Author's Response: Thank you!! Especially for the comment about my writing style, gee shucks :3 I'll get the next chapter up very soon for you, so you can read more- yayyy!
I agree with you about Luna being a hard character to write, it's hard to know when you're making her quirkiness fake! And the romance will be along shortly :') onward and out! Report Review
I'm so sorry that it has taken me this long to get to your review but I am finally here with it.
I loved George in this! I think he was absolutely wonderful as I can only imagine how hard it must be to be a twin and then to lose your other half. To constantly be together and on the same page it would be so hard to know that the one who looks exactly like you, who thinks exactly like you, will never grace this earth again. I'm excited to see how you will make this into a George/Luna and think that they would be cute together. I can't really comment much on if its going to slow as its only the first chapter, but I think that going slower is much better than going too fast. The flow was really great in this chapter as well and I couldn't spot any errors so great job with that as well! I think this is a great beginning and would love to see where this continues! I do hope that you will request another review from me! Great Job!
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: And I'm equally sorry for my slow response! :(
Anyway, thanks for the review! I want to give George a hug, but I'll have to let Luna do that for me :') I'll certainly drop another request in when I've got a bit farther in the fic :) thanks again for the review! xx Report Review
This is good. I like already that he's in Hogsmeade and closer to Luna! :) 9/10Author's Response: Aahah, that was the intention! :) glad you're enjoying it, thanks :D Report Review
I think Luna was perfect here. She's very honest, even when it may be uncomfortable. I like it. I think she is just what George needs to help pull him out of his depression :) 9/10Author's Response: I think so too! I wish they were a more recognised pairing! Thanks very much for your comments, and I'm glad you're enjoying it! :) Report Review
Beautifuly written and so emotional. It is perfect especially all of the questions. 10/10Author's Response: Yay, thank you! :) Report Review
Emesias here with your requested review!
This chapter is not weird at all ^_^
Plot/flow: I think that this story is developing really well actually. It has been consistent throughout and I have yet to find a plot hole; so its safe to say that, in my opinion, this story is flowing quite well.
Characterization: The characters are really going well in with the plot. They're not just jumping from one emotion to the other and they're not just jumping from one idea to another.
There were a few (very few) grammatical errors, but no biggie! Good job with these chapters! I really enjoyed reading them, it definitely kept my attention throughout. I can't wait to read more of your work ^_^ Feel free to drop a request in my thread.
Happy Writing!!! 9/10Author's Response: Hello! Sorry it took me so long to respond!
Thank you for the review :)
Thanks for the comment about the speed of the plot, I've been worrying that it's too sluggish, but you've reassured me :) I suppose the real test of characterisation will be when the pairing starts to come to life a bit! We'll see then :') Oh, and I'm also working on the grammatical errors :P My betas telling me off!
Thanks again! Report Review
I was so engrossed with this chapter my laptop ran out of battery and I didn't even notice :( I was practically crying at Ginny yelling at George, and George's horrible reaction. It was unfair, and George felt so small and vulnerable to me I just wanted to hug him. I'm still all sad now.
Fred's appearance was similarly sad. His words seemed to hold like a inner sadness? His clothes being raggedy and the line about the Three Broomsticks made it really sad, like the afterlife was awful to be there and that's why Fred wanted George to make the most of his life... but yeah. Lit student. *shrugs*
The bit about the birdsong was good, it reminded me of something on a film but I can't remember what. YES I DO. Dr Who, where Amy, Rory and Matt Smith kept falling asleep and waking up in different realities and it was really loud birdsong before they did. Okay, mystery solved, I'm happy.
Another really sad and awesome chapter, I'm so looking forward to an update! :DAuthor's Response: Wow, thanks, I hope your laptop is ok ;) I think you know my opinion of Ginny, so I had to make her just a LITTLE bit horrible :P
I also appreciate your literaturey comments about Fred, it's probably just as hard in the afterlife for Fred as it is in life for George, they are both separated, right? :( HUGS.
And OH NO :( I completely forgot about that Dr. Who thing! It was just meant to be the birdsong from outside the window which George incorporated into his dream :P
Again, thanks for your lovely reviews, YOU'RE SO AWESOME.
-Olive you again again again Report Review
'lethargic style of slovenliness' I'm in love with this line, I really am! ♥
Poor George, things are terrible for him, and he's managing to hurt everyone. Lee shouldn't have left, but George is being blind. However, you're writing all this angst very well, and it's really keeping me on tenderhooks! I can imagine that despite what happens in the next chapter, Luna will be as blasť and insane as ever, even in George manages to shout at Ginny again- although I hope she helps him mend it!
Another superb chapter! :D
-JennyAuthor's Response: Hello again!
Aww thanks, I like that line too :') George will get better at some point, due to Luna and other things, so it's all good! Lee, I think, couldn't really cope with a serious George, plus Fred, who was the initiator of most of the jokes, probably held up the friendship most of the time.
Thanks again for your review!
-OLIVE YOU AGAIN AGAIN. xx Report Review
Another awesome chapter, dearie xD
George's agonizing just makes me want to pat him on the head, feed him large amounts of Shepherd's pie and hug him. (although I already knew) I'm so glad he wrote to Luna for advice, and went to visit his family. The normal routine he slipped back into with them was so cute and reminiscent of better times, although Ginny's clearly talked to Bill :(
A great chapter! love youu,
-JennsAuthor's Response: Hey look, I'm responding! Shocker. I know, I want to give George a hug too :( and I think he needed to start slowly emerging from his depression, but it'll be a long haul, I reckon. Thank you! Love you muchly too! Report Review
Wow, the characterization of Mr Zonko was fantastic- so detailed and I could picture the guy in my minds eye, and the way you described George's dedication to the new shop was great- and then he goes and ruins it all by shouting at Ginny. UNFAIR. MEAN GEORGE.
In all fairness though, a plausible reaction and as always, you've written it beautifully. And Luna, well what can I say? On top form with a Quibbler and Cornish Pixies :P
This was paced fine, I didn't feel rushed at all, it was a nice transition and a lovely chapter.
-JennerzAuthor's Response: I love how you're changing your name with every review :') (NextJen) Yes! I love my Zonko and I wish I could put him in another chapter :( Maybe I will...one day. And thanks very much, it was painful to write George being mean :( He does need a hug.
OLIVE YOU AGAIN xx Report Review
I think you've done Luna amazingly here, her own special 'voice' really comes through well :)
George's reaction to Luna and his family were brilliantly written, you superstar, as well as the general description of his surroundings and actions. You've got a fantastic style of writing which I love! :D
-Jen-Jens xxAuthor's Response: Firstly, you're awesome. And thank you, I find it difficult to do Luna and not make her gimmicky :') And that's a lot coming from you, thanks, because your style of writing is OSSUM.
OLIVE YOU xx Report Review
Oh my goodness! This is a lot ALOT of potential!!! Seriously!!! While i was reading this, I was growing anxious/ excited to see what happens next! I can't wait to see what the next chapter has in store for me!
There are a few grammatical errors here and there but its not biggie ^_^ The story flow is good and so are the characters. I know that George's original canon is all about the humor but considering that this is taking place after the war and the death of his brother, it's understandable (esp. since its a major part on the plot!)
I've always wanted to do a FredorGeorge/ OC story but I'm just to afraid to do so Maybe if someone worked with me on it (like a collab story), I'd so go for it! Well, going back on track...Good job for the first chapter! Please feel free to place a request on my review thread at the forums, Emesia's Reviews!
Happy Writing! 10/10Author's Response: Thanks so much for your review! I really love long reviews, as they always give me motivation to write faster, so I really appreciate this :) I hope the next few chapters live up to your expectation.
Thanks for pointing out the grammatical errors, a friend of mine has told me about this, and I've seen them too, it's either a typo or me just being careless. I'll fix them as soon as I get more chapters posted :) And yes, I thought George would be changed a lot by Fred's death, and considering Fred is thought of as the twin who starts the jokes, George would be left quite empty so it's really sad :(
A Fred/George OC story sounds like a great idea, Angelina never really sat well with me as a match for George (she danced with Fred at the Yule Ball, so yeah). Oh and I'll go to your review thread soon, definitely!
Thanks again for your review! :)
- Olive Report Review
I think you've done a very solid job setting up the emotional atmosphere of your story. George's persistent feeling of emptiness and inability to truly express his grief are so well depicted, as is the contrast between George's and Molly's ways of grieving. It was heartbreaking to read. (frankly I myself am still upset about Fred! ;) )
You asked for feedback on Percy's character, and I liked how you used him here -- I could see him trying to atone for abandoning his family by trying to manage and "improve" them, with good intentions but utilizing sometimes annoying methods. I love the image of Percy going through the books for the shop.
Mechanical notes: I think you might get a smoother flow if you combined a few of your sentence fragments using semicolons. I like using sentence fragments now and again myself for effect (they punch up the emotional impact of a phrase) but it can feel choppy if they are used close together. Let me know if this is unclear, I know you didn't ask for a full beta read :)
I really enjoyed this, please feel free to re-request! Best wishes with your writing!Author's Response: Hello!
Thank you for your comments on the whole atmosphere of it, I'll try and draw out the contrast between George and Molly a bit more later on. And thanks for the Percy comments!
Okay, I'll improve my phrasing, reading back I see your point about the overused fragmented sentences!
Again, thanks very much for the review, and I probably will re-request at some point! :)
-Aguamenti Report Review
this is really good! wow! congratulations, i can't wait to read what comes next! you have really grasped Luna very well, but i would definately like to see some of the other old characters come back aswell? xAuthor's Response: Thank you very much :) Some old characters are coming back in the next chapter, so you won't have to wait that long I hope! Also, thanks a lot for what you said about my version of Luna, I was worrying that I'd done her wrong!
- Olive x Report Review
Pretty Good, I like it a lot, keep writing!Author's Response: Thanks for reading and reviewing, will do! :)
Hi, WeasleyTwins here to review as requested!
You didn't ask for much critique in your AoC in your request, so I'll get right down to it. As to the flow of the story, I really enjoyed all of the description. However, the long paragraphs are a bit overwhelming. Once you transition out of those and into the dialogue with Percy and George, everything smooths out very nicely. It's only that those initial paragraphs are incredibly lengthy. For me personally they weren't a problem, but for other readers, such rather formidable paragraphs can be a bit off-putting. They might become disinterested or fear that it's going to just be dull description (which it isn't - I thought it was lovely). So basically my suggestion would be to break them up into more manageable paragraphs for the reader.
As to the believability, I liked your take on George's reaction to Fred's death. There are many, many ways that he could have reacted and this one is very plausible, very realistic. I like George's despondency - it really sets the mood of the story. I know that this isn't supposed to be funny, but this sentence made me laugh: "His mother sent him so many food parcels he began to feel like a refugee." - It just sounded like something George would say and if Fred had been there, he would have made some ridiculous joke. Perhaps I found it so amusing because it was a subtle reminder of the old George with his twin.
Overall, good chapter! Please feel free to re-request!
ShelbyAuthor's Response: Thank you very much, I really appreciate your comments!
As to your comment about the long paragraphs, I think I agree there, because they were a bit of a worry to me anyway. I'll take it into account and try and make it a bit more concise in the following chapters :) thanks very much again, especially about the comedy, your critique really helped :D
- Olive Report Review
I really liked the chapter and the story so far. I thought you did an brilliant job bringing out the emotions of George. It just all felt so very real and it made it more believable.
You did a great job with the description. I had a very detailed picture in mind while I read the story. I also liked how I could feel every emotion that you were describing. It went well with the pace of the chapter and the flow was just as great. All three of them balanced one another well.
I am highly intrigued to find out what happens next! Keep up the awesome writing! =)
Recenseo 2012Author's Response: Thank you for that lovely review! I appreciate that a lot :)
New chapter coming up very soon I hope.
-Olive Report Review
this is truly amazing, and I wish you to hurry up and update. The way you have characterised George's grief is amazing, and I love Percy's attempt at comic relief.
Writing is superb, everything is awesome..
Looking forward to seeing Luna!
love it! 10/10
-JennyAuthor's Response: Wish I could rate you 10 for this review, cuz you're awesome and that. Thank you very much, made me feel a lot better about the story :)
-Olive you Report Review
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