Hi! I'm here with your requested review :)
I'm so jealous of your ability to describe things. When he's gripping onto his wand those small little details from the white knuckles to the nail marks to how he was in the situation in the first place everything was just so perfectly worded.
One of the things you asked about was whether things felt disconjoined or not. It took me a minute to realize this was the 'what happened' for Louis, (not your writing, me being slow), but once I had that figured out I thought it was a creative way to introduce things.
During Louis and the red-headed girl's argument, I think things got a little messed up at one point. You have her start off saying "this is the home of the Fountain of Fair Fortune" and then two paragraphs down (after Louis is trying to hold back his laughter) you this: "No, it's not," she replies simply.-- you then have Louis say it is, and after their small back and forth things switch back to normal. So if you go back and edit just take another look at that.
Either way I think it's neat how you incorporated the Beetle and the Bard tale into your story; I haven't read that particular tale (even though I have the charity book JKR wrote :p ) but I think that's an interesting and unique way to use JKR's writing. As well as the inclusion of Gwenog Jones; I'm interested to see what part she is going to play in this story as it goes on. Again, I really think you have an interesting and original plot here with this story and I can't wait to see more of it.
I do like Louis here. He seems very overwhelmed, as if he didn't really know what he signed up for in the Auror department. He's got a bit of that funny/sarcastic side that I really like, but it's got modesty so that it's not too much and off-putting. I also like how Gwenog loathes everything he says; her character was certainly a challenge for him to get along with, making things very amusing.
Something little, but I thought the reference to prince charming having to go fight the beast head on vs. sneaking around the back. It was cute and so true!
Things did get set up here and I think it's going at a good pace. besides that little argument I mentioned above I didn't notice any awkward wording or grammar problems. I will be looking forward to seeing more of the plot develop as you write, so of course re-request when the next chapter is posted so I can find out! :) Report Review
Hmph, I canít believe you just left me there!
I like how this story is evolving. Itís totally reading like a fairytale, like one by Diana Wynne Jones. I get a sense that you know everything but are keeping all your cards close. I know, I know, ďthatís how all stories are CharĒ, but itís got a feeling of more like that. I donít make any sense Iím sure but Iím just trying to tell you what Iím feeling/thinking while Iím reading this.
Louis is way more geeky and loser-ish in this chapter than he was in the prologue. Itís cool to see how he was in the beginning and how he was at the end of the adventure. It really does show that there was a change involved with him, that experiences do change a man.
Gwenog Jones is an interesting character to put in this. Sheís probably much older than Louis and tougher. Her withering stares and such donít quite make sense to me at this moment, maybe itís because she knows he was following her as a suspected criminal? Also this really does sound like Louisí first assignment. Such a blunderer :P
It sounds like one of the Tales of Beetle the Bard caught your attention to form this story, yeah? I always love a good ďfind the treasureĒ story. Looking forward to how this develops because I have no idea where weíre going with this.
xCharAuthor's Response: Thanks so much! Because the Tales of Beedle the Bard are pretty much wizarding fairytales, I wanted to try and keep that sort of feel in, coz it's all to do with fairytales, you know? I've never read a fairytale by Diana Wynne Jones (I honestly have never heard of her before, lol, and will go and google her as soon as I've responded). No, you do make sense - I think ;)
He is. He really, really is. He's far less mature as well. It's actually really fun writing him, because he's immature and kinda naive and doesn't think and everything.
I spent so long scrolling through the character lists on HP Lexicon to try and find the right characters to put in here, because I wanted a mix of people. She's pretty fun, just because she thinks Louis is a bit of an idiot (she's right) and she's very haughty and confident. Very different to Louis, which I like. Mm... she doesn't know anything about him following her - she thinks he's after the fountain, which is why she's glaring. She wants to get to the fountain for herself and thinks he wants it for the same thing and therefore views him as a rival. I might go back and try and make that clearer...
Yeah, I was itching to start a new WIP and the book was lying on my shelf so innocently... this was the only one which I could remember well enough to think about doing a story around it, and it's so much fun!
Thanks so much for the lovely review! :D
Aph xx Report Review
Ha, what a way to pull a reader in! You muse on everything that has to do with Louis but donít really actually give us anything tangible to grab onto, something that would clue as in as to why heís stuck at the desk and his family would be proud of him despite some troublesome thing he was involved in.
Iíve got to hand it to you. Your use of 2nd person POV is always admirable and very effective. I canít help but be drawn into Louisí world and be there with him during the story. You enter in little tidbits like the feathers being stuck in his mouth and to his hand after having rolled the quill in his hands. This makes me connect up with him more in addition to the insight into his thoughts. I loved the part where he realized his thoughts had become deep and insightful all of a sudden. For some reason, thatís the part that had me smiling and then it just got a little funnier after that. I like that itís light and also serious rolled into one. I personally hope that thatís how this story will continue because itís such a good combination.Author's Response: Thanks so much! I wasn't sure when I wrote it if it was too vague, with just nothing at all to interest people, but I'm so glad you think it still pulls people in! :)
Second person is really fun. It's kinda hard to stop now, lol. I tried writing this in third person originally and it just didn't work. At all. Haha, humour is really not my strong suit. Then again, neither is action/adventure-y kind of stuff so this is completely new for me. Hopefully I'll still be able to keep that - we'll see! :D
Thank you so much for this review - it's so absolutely lovely! Thank you! :D
Aph xx Report Review
Hey there! Me again.
Is it weird that I've just noticed this story is in second person? I mean, obviously, I noticed before, but it didn't really click in my mind because you pull it off extremely effortlessly. All of your writing feels that way to me - completely effortless - and I especially love your descriptions. I even have a favorite paragraph from this chapter:
"For a fleeing second, she looks amused, before it melts into a superior smirk that lingers, smeared with condescension. It's the kind of look that you hate because it works so well, making you feel inferior and small and utterly, utterly weak. Even though you're taller than her, you don't feel it at the moment - you're not aware of it. All you can see is the smirk. You look away, down at the grass."
I love how you reveal so much about his character here (but I'll get to more of that in a sec) and I especially love the phrase 'smeared with condescension'. I don't know why, but it strikes me as really poetic...not even like, nauseatingly forced-poetic like most poetic stuff is. Brilliant-poetic. And I can't even talk about when Louis is describing the scenery - so pretty! You're amazing.
A couple criticisms (observations? Mostly things that confused me). I was a little confused by the sentence in the beginning of the chapter that said, "As it is, however, you are only supposed to be all of those things because none of them have materialised so far this day". Maybe I'm just especially slow today, but I didn't really understand what he meant. Also, for some reason, I started this chapter assuming it was going to be narrated by a new character named Gwenog, so it took me awhile to understand that this was still Louis but that he wasn't at his desk job anymore. So, like I said, I could just be especially slow, but maybe make it more apparent that you're rewinding back in time (I think)? Oh, and also, one grammar mistake with dialogue punctuation. In the paragraph:
"'This,' she says, sweeping her arm in an expansive gesture, turning to one side to indicate the emerald lawn spread out before you, reaching out to the horizon, a fuzzy black line on the very edge the only indication that anything other than grass even grows here. 'Is the home of the Fountain of Fair Fortune.'"
I think there should actually be a comma instead of a period after 'grows here', and then the 'Is' should be 'is'.
But, anyway, like I said, I truly think you have something of a knack for building characters subtly. Instead of outright telling readers "Louis likes ponies" or something like that (I have no idea if he actually does, but you get what I mean), you establish his character through subtle phrases like, "According to the guidelines you'd memorised right at the beginning of the training course" and his desire to be liked even when he's supposed to be arresting Gwenog. And then I also like how you have a little bit of internal dialogue with Louis, with him reminding himself that "Curiosity is dangerous", so that it almost seems like there's a little conflict between rule-following-Louis and the other, more wild, dangerous, curious Louis. I could be imagining things but, regardless, I think you're good at showing instead of just telling, and isn't that what all writers strive for? (:
Much like in the prologue, you also do an excellent job of building up mystery and intrigue and "What exactly is going on?!" moments in this chapter. But, unlike in the prologue, you actually give some answers here. Huzzah! I like how you slowly let us know exactly what Louis was doing and how this plant got him (for some reason, every time you mentioned a plant, I thought of those piranha plants from Mario...weird) and he was following this girl for his job. And I find extreme irony in the sentence, "Adventure is all very well, but not if it causes you to lose your job", considering that apparently he eventually decides that adventure is worth being sentenced to a desk job. And I absolutely adore how Louis perceives the house as something inherently innocent and you contrast that with Gwenog's suspicious nature. Like I said, your characterization rocks.
Anyway, I don't really have much else to say. Still not really sure what's going on, but I'm starting to think that's part of this story's charm. For some reason, I'm oddly reminded of Once Upon A Time (perhaps because of the whole fairy tale mentions) and, even though I've never actually sat down and watched that show...if this story is anything like it, I'm sure I'll be hooked. Very excited to see what happens next (:
Cherry BearAuthor's Response: I have no idea, to be honest, lol. I've never read anything in second person - not before starting writing in it and I've barely read anything since. Thanks so much! Everything I write is really description-heavy and I always wonder if I put too much in - so thank you so much for saying that! :D It makes me feel so much better! I quite liked writing that paragraph too ;)
Ooh, yeah, that sentence is quite confusing. I tried changing it - playing around with words and clauses, but it was really difficult. I'll take another look at it, though - thanks for pointing it out! Haha, yeah, a lot of chapters which have a name as a title have that character narrating it. Hopefully as the story goes on, it'll become more obvious that the name is just the name of someone who will be used in that chapter, whether mentioned or whatever. It's all Louis' pov ;) Really? No way! I honestly didn't know that you were supposed to that with commas and capitals... huh. Amazing. I'll remember that - thanks! :D
Haha, Louis likes ponies! Sorry, but that amused me so much - was that your intention? Possibly... anyway, it was funny. Yeah, Louis very cautious, in that he wants to go romping off through fields and forests hunting horcruxes or whatever like so many of his relatives, but at the same time he's scared of what might happen, if that makes sense. I'm so so happy that you got that, though - I thought that it might be a bit too contradictory when I first wrote it. Thanks so so much! :D
Mario! Yeah, the plants are a little bit like that. Personally, I imagine them just as very thick vines, a bit like Devil's Snare. Just... not. Louis is so trusting! It's so adorable! Thanks so much! Thank you!
I know what's going on, lol! I'd be pretty worried if I didn't, tbh, but more answers will come in the future. I think there's a couple more in the next chapter... I've actually never seen Once Upon A Time either. I've heard it mentioned a couple of times here and there, but know absolutely nothing about it! Sorry! :D
Thank you so so much for all the compliments! This was such a lovely and helpful review - it was wonderful!
Aph xx Report Review
First of all, I love your summary for this. I think I have an addiction to ambiguous clever summaries, and yours grabbed my attention. And then your writing held my attention (: I like how you build up the suspense about what happened in this chapter, and yet you almost taunt the reader by interspersing Louis' reflection on his punishment with other tangents - his feminine handwriting, the coffee, the fact that the sundress is Dominique's. All very well-written and nicely included details, but definitely frustrating when I'm sitting at my computer going, "WHAT HAPPENED?!" And the little hints that you drop about his punishment and what he could have possibly done to deserve it (mentions of adventuring and the Magical Maintenance team and three girls) all sort of drove me up the wall. So, all in all, is that you did a really excellent job of building up my interest in this story in this first chapter.
I'm especially intrigued by Louis' conclusion that he is too lucky - it seems an odd sentiment to have and I'm curious to see that explained in further chapters. Everything in this prologue is just all so mysterious and vague and I'm not really sure what to say about it except that you've definitely tempted me to read the next chapter, just to see how you might start to explain and tie everything together. Who is the girl? Why would he destroy the letter? How is girlfriend farthest from the truth? And, I repeat, WHO IS THE GIRL? :o
Anyway, I think you had a really good balance between introspection and real-life-events here. I especially admired your transition from his introspection - "Realising suddenly how deep and oddly insightful your thoughts have become..." - because I know that's something that I always personally struggle with, but you somehow pulled it off without making it seem abrupt or at all choppy. Mad props, yo.
I think my favorite part of this chapter is, naturally, the part where Louis gets caught with feathers in his mouth. I'm sort of a sadist in that I get extreme pleasure out of awkward moments, and I love how you captured that awkward moment for Louis. It added a nice contrast to the semi-serious nature of the rest of the chapter, but then you pulled me right back to detective-mode with your super secret letter and its sender. I love the amount of detail you went into about the letter and Louis sort-of inspection of it. It was, again, an excellent tension builder. And at the end of the chapter I just kept scrolling down, thinking, "Is he going to open it? Is he going to open - WHAT. NO."
So, yeah, I really don't have any criticisms at all (which is a little rare for me, so be proud). I thought this was extremely well-written and I especially loved how you almost seemed to come in full circle. You started out with Louis talking about his punishment and how it was worth it, and you concluded in the same way. And, in the middle, you told us not very much about what exactly he did, told us a little bit about his punishment and everyone's reaction to it, and introduced an ominous letter and some girl. Excellent work! Now on to the next chapter (:
Cherry BearAuthor's Response: Haha, thanks so much! I was kinda concerned about the summary - there's nothing in there about the actual plot, as such, and I've never done one like that before - so I'm glad it drew you in! Sorry about the frustration! :P You will find out, I promise... eventually! ;)
It is an odd conclusion - not one I've ever made myself, tbh - but it will be explained (at least, I'm planning on explaining it, which perhaps isn't quite the same) towards the end. Hm... I could answer those questions, but I can't for fear of spoilers :P (Also, just for the record, you won't meet the girl just yet :P)
Honestly, I hate that bit - it seems really choppy to me! I always hate doing that as well, because it's so frustrating to try and find a way to do it - but it was so necessary in this! I'm glad you thought it worked though! :D
Haha, I do the same thing! It was just a bit of humour, because there will be humour, to break things up. Plus, I think it's one of those things most people would do at some point when writing with feather quills, you know? Ah, the letter... I debated about having him open it, but decided not to in the end :P Sorry! :D
Gosh, thanks so much! *is proud* I actually really enjoyed writing this - once Louis decided to cooperate, it came out pretty quickly. Thank you so much again - this review was really, really lovely!
Aph xx Report Review
So I've read a little bit of Seeing Double (and have been meaning to go back to is sometime) and this reminds me alot of that. Probably because of your use of the second person, but from the minute I started reading I knew it was you who had written it(I mean from the style not the fact that I read your penname :P)
And let me say that this opening chapter was just as impressive as the two chapters of Seeing Double that I've read. You're language seems very poetic to me. Lines like "It's red ink, crimson in some places, scarlet in others- but red nonetheless" come off really well.
As an introduction this worked exceedingly well. You have sparked my interest with the desk duty thing, and have left me with a lot of open ended questions, which is great.
Your description was wonderful too. I liked how you described a lot of the little details rather than the bigger ones. For instance rather than describing the room you described Louis' handwritting.
Anyway this was a really good introductory chapter and I hope to see you around the BvB battle again some time soon :)
-BoOkWoRm24Author's Response: Hey there!
Yeah, Seeing Double kind of... I don't know, allowed me to actually develop some kind of style? (I have no idea, I'm mostly just guessing on this, but the stuff I've been writing recently seems a bit similar). I do enjoy second person, though, lol. I should probably stop...
Thank you so much! It was hard to take it away from Seeing Double, because there are similarities between the two characters - small though they are - and I didn't want it to be exactly the same, you know?
Haha, open-ended questions... yeah, I have a tendency to leave a lot of them. And then never answer them, lol. I'm glad you liked it, though - I did wonder when I was writing it if I wasn't putting enough in it and leaving too many questions.
Thanks! :D Thanks so much - I really loved this review, sorry for taking so long to respond!
Aph xx Report Review
Hey! I'm here from review tag :)
I think this is a really interesting beginning to a story. You've definitely got me wondering where Louis went, what kind of trouble he got into, and what the letter is all about. I really liked your characterization, especially the way that the Potters and Weasleys treated Louis after his little faux pas. They treated him just as they would any employee while still giving him a second chance with his desk duty, and I think that balance is right in character.
Your imagery throughout this piece was beautiful, especially when you described the moment where you feel like you're going to die and then find yourself relieved that you can go home after all. I didn't spot any technical mistakes, and the flow of the piece went very smoothly for me.
Nice work! :)
Recenseo 2012Author's Response: Hey there!
I'm so glad you think it's interesting! I was so worried when I wrote it that there wouldn't be enough in it to hold attention, you know? Ah, gosh, characterisation is so important to me - thank you so much! :D
Thank you very much! I really enjoyed writing that bit, particularly the end - it was much less stressful than starting it! ;) Haha, the lack of technical mistakes is probably down to my beta's editing, tbh, so all the praise goes to her!
Thank you so much for this!
Aph xx Report Review
Hello! I was planning on reading this a while ago, as I had caught rumor you had a new story posted [not stalking you or anything xD] but I just didnít have the time to sit down and read it. But now that life has slowed down a bit [and you sent me a PM] I remembered I was going to read this. And I am very happy I remembered, because it was really fantastic!
You started out in a way that instantly drew my attention. The two word phrase ĎDesk duty,í sort of caught me off guard, but definitely got my interest. I mean, I know desk duty is the usual punishment for people in the field who do something they shouldnít, but I never really connected it with the magical world. Especially Aurors. But, you know, once I thought about it, it made total sense. Itís just at first, not what I expected. Itís not something Iíve ever seen in a story. Which is also totally awesome because it is very original.
And even past that first line, you really had my attention because of your description. You are specific with plain details, things people donít pay attention to, and it really draws out how bored Louis must feel, noticing all of this. That and Louis emotion towards this work are so strong. I had sympathy for him because I could feel how he did. I think partly that has to do with second person [I will only bring it up once, I swear xD], as that always makes the characters seem more real, but the other part is that he is a really relatable character. He acts like any other person would in his position, which is really awesome.
Another thing I wanted to say was I LOVED Damien Inglesbyís character. He seems like the try-to-be-serious-but-fail-miserably sort of guy. And I donít mean that as a negative trait at all! I really loved it because the way he talked and the air about his character [at least in my mind] was so definite. One of my favorite parts of this chapter is with his character:
ďA young woman?Ē you blurt out. ďFor me? Are you sure?Ē
Inglesbyís mouth twitches involuntarily and he chuckles quietly.
ďYes, a young woman; yes, for you; and yes, Iím quite sure. She said you specifically.Ē
I donít know why but that part made me giggle. I justÖyeah. It was great. It really made me like his character, whether he ends up a minor or major character.
And since Iím on it, another line I really liked was this one from Louis: ď(because it is, undoubtedly, a letter - you donít need to be Dominique to see that one coming)Ē
Hehe. It is just an amazing line. It was another one that made me laugh.
So overall, this was great. I saw no grammar or wording concerns, although I thought at some points there were a lot of extra commasÖthat could just be preference, but really, this was fantastic! Canít wait to read the next chapter!
~GrimmerzAuthor's Response: Hey there - I'm so glad to see you stopped by as I always love your reviews! :D
I know - we don't really see any desk duty as such with the Aurors, most of the focus is on them going out and actually catching Dark wizards. I only remembered coz I remembered Tonks was on duty once in the books... I think it was in the sixth one, perhaps, or seventh... anyway, it was quite a fun idea! I'm glad you liked it!
Oh, Louis is very bored. Very, very bored. Haha, mention it as many times as you want, I don't mind! ;) It's so good to hear you liked the description. I was a bit worried when I wrote it that I was going way too overboard with the description, particularly when compared with how much plot there was, you know?
Damien Inglesby... you know, between you writing this review and me responding to it my plans for this story have completely changed, lol? He may now end up being quite a major character... or at least, more major than he was originally going to be.
Haha, thanks! I quite enjoyed writing that line - it's a bit of a hint for later events, as well ;)
Thank you so much for this lovely review - I really, really appreciate it!
Aph xx Report Review
Hi! It's flying without wings from the forums, here with your requested review!
First off, I love your use of the second person, it really helps us to connect with Louis and feel part of the story, which I like!
The quality of your actual writing, the vocabulary, the phrasing, the flow; I think it works. It's very poetic, which is great, the only thing is it's quite hard to keep it like that while managing a plot at the same time, so that will probably be a challenge, but I'm sure you'll do fine!
You wanted to know about characterisation, and I think that yours is excellent. Louis feels very familiar, and his obvious love for his siter is very sweet and charming. I love the brother/sister relationship that Dominique and Louis have, I think it's wonderful and very realistic, and is such a nice break from the typical fanfiction stereotypes in which Dominique is 'Dom' and Louis is the typical protective brother. This way is far more believable and I think, less clumsy. I adore Louis' surprise when he hears that a 'young woman' has dropped a letter off for him, just adds that nice little, hopeful human touch to his character!
You also mentioned plot in your request, so I'll talk about that. There appears to be some kind of plot, but not huge amounts. I think this is fine, since it's a prologue, and what you've got is showing a great line, but I do think that a little more might just add another element of interest to the story. I like it fine as it is, but I think you just need to be careful not to overstep the 'Hi, I'm Louis and ... has happened to me so far' line, because in places it feels like a bit of an overload of information. Maybe hold some of it back and release it in later chapters, that way you can keep the reader guessing. Just personal opinion I suppose, not really urgent.
The only other thing I wanted to mention is Adrian. Who is he? I sort of assumed that he was Dominique's boyfriend or personal assistant, but maybe just a quick bracket specifying which one would stop any distractions from the actual storyline?
Overall, I really enjoyed it and think that this has got a lot of potential to become a very exciting story!
-Rosalind (flying without wings)Author's Response: Hey there! Sorry it's taken me so long to respond!
Thanks! I had no idea about second person before I decided to write things using it on here, but it's kinda grown on me. It's quite fun, lol. I know! I wanted to see if it would work - it might do, it might not. Either way, it should be a fun challenge! :D
Thanks! I've read quite a few Victoire/Dominique/Louis-centric stories where Louis is a typical over-protective Weasley and while he is a Weasley, he's also half Delacour and I want to show that a bit more. Also, I'm so glad you like the bond between Dominique and Louis - it took me a while to get the feel of that right, because I didn't want it to be the normal kind of relationship between them, you know? Haha, thanks! Louis is a little bit hopeless with girls... as in, quite a lot. But that doesn't come up much ;)
Yeah, I know - I'm terrible at writing plot-centric stuff, hence this will be such a challenge for me. I'll definitely look over it and see if there's anything I could cut out - unfortunately there's not really anything more I can put in, in terms of plot - so thanks for mentioning that! I'll also bear it in mind when writing further chapters!
Adrian... Adrian's role in the story is a bit complicated, tbh. It's to do with something which I don't want to reveal yet, because it's not hugely relevant at this point. He's not really anything to her, as such, which is why I didn't put anything to describe him - he just kinda is, lol.
Thank you very much - I'm sorry my answers to some of your questions weren't very helpful! Your review was lovely and very helpful!
Aph xx Report Review
Whoa. This completely draws me in. I just want to find out more. The letter! What is it? Who is the young woman? And, of course, what happened before?
You really do an incredible job of showing, not telling. With Louis' sisters, his actions, and his feelings, and the fact that something big happened. Especially since it is written in second person. Instead of saying "this is what you do and how you feel" you paint a picture.Author's Response: Haha, I'm so glad it draws you in! Good questions, as well, very good questions... I can't tell you anything, though ;)
Thank you so much! I only recently realised that there was a showing vs telling thing (I always just described everything on principle), tbh, but thank you very much!
Thanks so much for this review - it was really very lovely!
Aph xx Report Review
Hi! Here with your requested review :)
So, first off I should tell you I don't read all that much second person POV. So as far as that goes I will do my best to help you out, but if I point out something wrong just ignore me ;)
The introduction was very enticing. It pushed the reader right into the action (or, in this case lack-there-of) for Louis in a very entertaining way. I really liked how, even though everyone seems to believe different, right off the bat he wouldn't blame anyone but himself. It says a lot of good things about his character right away.
I really enjoyed through this whole chapter that you didn't tell me things, you showed me. Instead of saying "Victorie was a worrier; Dominique was nice about it" you showed that Dominique came to visit, and that Victorie had panicked her way through what had happened. It develops the characters around Louis subtly, but very well.
You asked about Louis' characterization in your request. Being that this is the prologue and it's an introduction, I think you did a good job introducing him subtly enough that it didn't interfere with introducing the story (again, the showing vs telling which I love) I'd love to see more of him in future chapters-- It's hard to put an idea on him now, but it's mostly because the prologue did what it was supposed to do-- it drew me in to the story leaving me wanting to read more. I think the best part characterization wise was the few paragraphs of him 'thinking it over' after Dominique left and before Damien showed up with the letter. They were so well constructed in his thoughts that that's what gave him the most in-between the lines. (I hope that makes sense at all..)
Leading me into your other concern with plot interest, honestly, you have nothing to worry about. You gave just enough sense of mystery for me to be looking for the next chapter button.
One thing I can think is I felt you were a bit heavy with the commas towards the second half. There were a few moments where if you gave them a quick read-aloud, I think some of the pauses were unnecessary. The only reason I'm pointing this out is because it's something I do way too much too :p By no means did it take away from the story at all, just me being nit-picky for if you go back and edit.
Honestly though, that's the only thing I could find. Your grammar is pristine, and it's a fantastic introduction into the story. Please (please!) feel free to re-request when you get the next chapter posted! :)Author's Response: Honestly, don't worry about it - I'd never read anything in second person before I wrote this, I just mention it just in case, you know? I know there are people out there who have... somewhere, lol.
Thanks! :D I wasn't sure if a bit more should happen in it, but I'm glad you don't think so because, quite honestly, I have no idea what more I'd put in it O.o
I've never really thought about the idea of showing vs telling before... huh, I used to think it was just a case of describing everything :D hence my tendency to describe EVERYTHING, lol. Thanks!
Yeah, it was difficult to write since obviously this is set pretty much after everything's happened, really, and so things have changed - he's changed as well, which was hard to do. Haha, it made sense, don't worry! Thanks! I know that I usually think about things most when I'm doing something boring or relatively trivial, you know, so I kinda transferred that over to him. I'm glad it worked, though, and you liked it!
Ooh, mystery! Really? I'm so bad at writing mystery, lol. I never know how much I'm giving away :D Thanks so much!
Hm... probably. I used to put commas everywhere, so it's likely. I'll look over it again, although I think this has probably been to my beta and back by now, so she almost certainly picked up on most of these things (coz she's amazing!).
Thank you so so much! I'm so glad you liked it! :D
Aph xx Report Review
AHHA THIS IS SO EXCITING LAURA!
I remember you telling me about this idea a while ago, and I thought it sounded brilliant then! And wow, this is going to outshine my expectations by far. It's not just brilliant, it's mega-supa-uber-brilliant :3 And yes, I am piling on the praise but it really is lovely!! It's really nicely written too- serious with a spark of mischievousness and adventure in there which automatically makes me long for the next chapter :).
PLUS I LOVE LOUIS ALREADY WHICH ALWAYS HELPS.
Annon xxAuthor's Response: Haha, I'm so glad you're so excited - I'm really excited too! (Which is a bit weird coz this has been up for a while now, so I probably shouldn't still be excited, but nevermind...)
I really love this idea - it took me so long to form it properly in my head, but once it did it really stuck there, you know?
Gosh, thanks so much! You really shouldn't compliment me that much - seriously, I'll get a huge ego or something like that ;) Thanks, though - you're wonderful!
Ah, Louis. He's lovely. I'd say he's my favourite main character in one of my stories so far, but they're all my favourites depending on when you ask me, lol.
Thank you for this! It was so wonderful! :D
Aph xx Report Review
A new story from you - and the idea I really, really like. I saw your banner request on TDA while tracking one of mine - funny how life works, isn't it? Louis is unbelievably - well, believable and gosh, even for the prologue this was getting good already. I have so many questions to ask, so many things to wonder about, but I know the answers will be in the story so I'll be patient, and wait. Good stories are always worth it, you know ;)Author's Response: ANOTHER NEW STORY, I hear you sigh :P Haha, lol - I saw your banner request on TDA as well, I think, when I was posting mine. It's such a small world... I'm so happy you like Louis - I found him really difficult to get right, you know (he protested very much at being written in third person). Haha, yes, questions are good and answers will come... eventually :)
Thank you so much for this! :D It was such a lovely surprise!
Aph xx Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection