Hi there! I actually spotted your fic on the reviews requested forum and since I absolutely love Seamus and have never seen an OC story with him, I shuffled right on over.
The opening scene is very nice. I like how you've gotten away from angsty Harry...which may be a little OOC but honestly, we read it at the beginning of every book and see it at the beginning of every movie. It was nice to see a lighter tone with your introduction. I also think your writing style is nicely canon, and I like Serena's introduction.
I really like your idea of House Elves. It's great when an author can twist a bit of canon and make it believable. Also I think your portrayal of Dean, Seamus, Padma and co. is very canon--until they start defending Serena. I'm sure you intend to leave the reader in the dark to make Harry's attitude more understandable, but as for now I can't decide why they would ever put up with somebody treating them that way. In fact, they almost idolize her. But Serena is still very consistent in her character. I'm very interested to see the reasoning behind this!
Ahh! I'm sorry, but I am really having a hard time reading how everyone is just throwing themselves at Serena's feet--protesting for her against Harry, McGonagall, everyone. Harry just killed Voldemort and ended the war! Everyone is waving that off like it's no big deal, but Serena helped them during the school year and now she's the girl of the hour. You're a very talented writer and it almost feels like reading JKR but I'm having a really hard time overlooking this, sorry :( Even if you took out some small aspects, like people shouting at her to "please come back" when she was leaving, or somebody actually standing up to her instead of just laughing at her temper--it's not that I don't like your OC. She's very believable, very Slytherin. It's how others are reacting to her. :)
Other than this issue, I think your chapter is brilliant. You've got a really nice balance of asking and answering questions, leaving the reader hanging and giving them enough information to want to continue. My apologies if my review came across as harsh; I just always try to leave an honest opinion. That being said, I'm really interested to see where this goes, and am adding it to my favorites list so that I can keep checking back :) Report Review
I'm so sorry that its taken me so long to get to your review but I am finally here.
First thing I have to say is maybe break this chapter into two different chapters rather than just one because when I saw that it was over 7000 words long all I could think of was Oh boy. Seeing chapters that long can be a bit of a put off because you know that its going to take you a while to get through it and, in my opinion, can also make it easier for a person to lose interest in both the story and chapter. I think that you have a very interesting story idea on your hands and I couldn't spot any errors in the chapter so great job on that. I think that the characters are very interesting as well. Really I think the only thing I would say to work on so to speak would be the length of the chapter. As I said having a chapter over 7000 words makes it very hard to get through especially for someone like me who already has a hard time really focusing, i'm always doing multiple things at a time. I think if you were to split the chapters into two, it would make it much easier to read and seem less arduous. Again, I really enjoyed it! Great Job!
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing! As you can see, I haven't been on the site for a few weeks. Originally the first chapter WAS in two parts, but they were very uneven parts (the first part much shorter than the second.) I believe that my next chapters are shorter than the first, so hopefully you'll want to read them! I'm so glad you liked my characters. Thanks for reading, especially since the chapter was long! Report Review
I really liked this chapter because of the details you add here. I just love how you're taking the story into your hands and adding these wonderful details on other games and making your characters stand out. I think Asmo is super hot :) And like I've said I really like Serena and she's one of those charaters I won't forget!
I forgot to mention this in the last review but I noticed that Seamus said something like Serena was suppose to serve him not the other way around and that sparked by interest to another level.
I started laughing at this part>> "but as soon as she became a teenager, he was all over her like white on rice."
AND I added a this story to my faves because i really want to continue reading the story. Report Review
I think you captured McGonagall's character right on point. She had a good balance of a tight, right to the point attiude and an adorable forever Gryffindor attiude :)
I also liked how you made Neville balanced as well. You didn't boast him as this new strong leader just because he had a strong voice in the D.A. You made him look believable and I think it was great you made him head boy!! Report Review
Is Serena a type of bird or something because this is the impression i got from the chapter. Maybe she's like a magical swan or something lol!
I thought you did a great job with descriptions in this chapter. You really have added your own personal twist into this story. I have never read a story yet that includes the way magic works in other countless like when you wrote about the potion society and how in Ireland and America children can use wands. Btw I would be so proud if I was a witch in America because could use a wand at such a young age.
At one point I thought that Serena was like Snapes child or something, I was just like Woah.
I just really want to know what Serena is because she is definitely not normal in witches/wizard standards.Author's Response: Wow! I'd love to know what makes you suspect Serena is a type of bird! (Well, she does like the baby ducks.) I don't think I'm giving anything away by saying that she's not a magical swan, but that is a REALLY cool idea -- a Wizarding World version of Swan Lake!
You are correct: Serena isn't the same as her wizarding classmates at Hogwarts, and it's not because she spent part of her childhood in America. Since you've tried hard to figure out the mystery while reading the last few chapters, I'll point out a clue from THIS chapter: Serena's mother complains that Serena is taking after her father's side of the family, and later Mrs. Finnegan sees Serena do something and says, "THAT'S what Linda meant by 'his side of the family.'" Soon you will meet another member of Serena's father's family.
Thanks for reading and reviewing! Report Review
You're killing me with Serena! What's her deal! She seems so awesome and yet so mysterious gah!! You're definitely keeping me interested especially the end of this chapter. I'm starting to see a genuine and almost vulnerable part of her when Seamus says that he wants to protective of her (he is very sweet) but I wonder if he really (truly) has feelings for her and if she does for him.
I'm still trying to figure out what her family maybe. You have me re-reading the last two chapters to get a clue :/
I actually have a pashmina its not pink but it's a navy blue one :) Report Review
I think this is more of a candid and lighter side of Serena. It was great to see Serenas interaction with Seamus because you can truly see a relationship. I liked how you added some humor with Charlie and everything. The whole thing about not forgetting someone who trains thestrals had me smiling.
That's great that your doing the research on Ireland's geography and slang. I did notice how differently Seamus spoke like saying "Kip" instead of "nap" and imagined him speaking with an accent. I could actually imagine serena wearing that scanty outfit too!Author's Response: Thanks for continuing to read and review! It's great when people appreciate your details. I know a lot of Irish phrases and slang, but I did a lot of research to make sure I was using language that was truly popular in the late 90's. (In a few chapters we'll be home in Naas with Seamus' parents, and I wanted it to be right.)
I hope you enjoy the next chapter! Report Review
Hello! It's wickedana from HPFFF
I am very much intrigued and glad this was a long chapter. There was clearly so much going on, so much to point out after the battle of Hogwarts that I'm glad you just didn't introduce Serena and explain a little was going on and bam! End of the chapter. I really liked how you extended everything.
I thought you were very daring to write this story in Harry's third P.O.V because that's J.K.R "way" of writing but I thought you did a good job with it. You really captured the way Harry thinks on point because we all know he's headstrong and stubborn with things, in this case with Serena. But when there's enough evidence to go against what he thought, he will have a change of heart. You definitely captured his emotions well too like when he gets outraged that members of the D.A would possibly defend a person as Serena and how he gets reserved when talking about his personal life (Snape and Lily's connection).
I actually like Serena even if she's really obnoxious and nonchalant in a very cold way. You did a great job not creating a Mary-Sue character. Sure, Serena is great at potions and she helped with the D.A there's another side of her that's complete mystery. Like how everyone is nice to her and protective of her and yet she's cold and has a "whatever" attitude, ( I personally think that maybe she just doesnt like showing her true emotions and when the others are concerned about so her, she's not use to it.) I think that's interesting. I really want to know the connection between her and Seamus. I AM TOTALLY SHIPPING SERENA/SEAMUS!! Lol
Let me just say that you did a great job with descriptions. You're really making this story by adding things about the California elves and all these improvements to the castle and classes. It's very cool!
Great job :)Author's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing! It's great to hear that you liked my first chapter, but even better that you shared exactly what you liked about it. It's very helpful to me!
You will definitely learn more about the Serena/Seamus connection as the story progresses! Report Review
Hi here with your requested review
Alright so I'm glad that you spent the first chapter just sort of focusing on Seamus and his feelings. It was interesting to sort of see where he was mentally after the entire battle. It was also nice to sort of gradually get to your reintroducing your OC. The last chapter was quite full with her... loud attitude, and this seemed sort of peaceful (at least in the begginning) with just Seamus reflecting. I tought it was quite reasonable that he would be sort of conflicted after everything that he just went through.
The second part was interesting too. Serena didn't seem so harsh when she was just alone with Seamus which made sense because she was probably more comfortable with him. Now that its told from Seamus' prespective it doesn't seem like they're worshipping her anymore which is good, but I still think that she seems slightly Mary Sue. I think that your source would be the entire clubbing thing. The thing that makes a Mary Sue a Mary Sue would be making them overtly special. You want to make someone seem normal then you don't want to make them seem too too unique. Now how many wizards do you know that would be totally down with wearing these clubbing cloths and going clubbing with all the muggles especially when you factor in that wizards are generally much much more traditional than muggles? My bet would be not many. I would suggest trying to add some mentions here and there of something that would make her seem more average. Now that doesn't mean going in here and saying that she can't do something because she's just so outrageously terrible at it, but maybe you make her get like C's and B's in school (I realize that's not wizarding terms, but its terms I can understand off the top of my head), or really anything else that might just make her seem a bit less special. Does that make sense?
Anyway other than that this was a good chapter. Pacing, grammar, flow, were all great. So keep up the good work!!!
-BW24Author's Response: So glad you reviewed the second chapter! I'm afraid you won't get your wish for Serena to be ordinary, however. The mystery of Serena is the whole point of the story!
Yes, Serena's California friends and cousins do mingle with muggles, while the wizards we've met so far in JKR's wizarding England tend to do things in parallel with muggles, but rarely among them. They have their own wizarding pubs, dances, concerts, radio stations, tea shops, clothing stores, sporting events, and so on. So I wonder why the Cali crew hang with muggles? Is it just because they're from another country? Or is there some other reason? ;)
I'll let you know when the revamped 1st chapter is validated! Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
Well, this was a long first chapter. I have to stick with Harry on this one. Everyone seems to be acting a bit strange around this mysterious person who he thinks is a death eater.
And I don't like her. She is mean and cruel and I don't like what comes out of her mouth at all. I wouldn't trust her one inch. XD
But if Snape taught Harry anything, it is that people might not be as they seem. Hmm.
I find it interesting on where you are starting your story... within Hogwarts just after the battle. Very interesting.
Dark WhisperAuthor's Response: I'm so glad you've started to read my story! I almost hate to mention this, but I have to: I have some edits to this chapter waiting to be validated. The edits won't change your opinion of Serena, however ;) SHE didn't get edited! They just make the other characters seem more realistic in the face of all the mysteries Harry is witnessing.
Thanks for reviewing! :) Report Review
I can't believe you haven't had more reviews- I hope people were just being lazy and that they have read this because it is a great story :)
Im adding to favourites and I can't wait to find out what happened next!
Great job :) 10/10Author's Response: I am so happy you are reviewing my story, and that you like it, that I feel I should respond to each one. I guess I will! I'm starting with this one -- guess I'm backwards today!
I really haven't had many reads of the story. I don't know if I need a better teaser or if people just aren't as interested in Seamus. I hope that some of the people who've read it will tell their friends to give it a try, because the feedback I'm getting from reviews has been helpful.
Thanks for all the reviews! I'm working on the next two chapters. Report Review
Just to answer your questions- this chapter is great, there's plenty of action :)
I love this line- “Maybe they’re trying to grow their own poisons.” Its genius! :D
I like nevilles description of Serena also, how she is like a horrid second cousin but you invite her to Christmas anyway because it wouldn't be the same without her, it's great :D
Another great chapter! :D 10/10 Report Review
"If the girl had rolled her eyes any harder, they would’ve landed in the living room" - Love that line!
I love Semus trying to explain this too his father,especially since his father is a muggle and I like how it makes him think of Dean- a nice touch!
I think the idea that Semus' first spell was to do with fire is a genius idea! It fits in so well with the Semus we know in the books :)
Another great chapter 10/10 :)Author's Response: Did you know that Seamus blowing stuff up was a movie meme? That's the one thing I stole from the movies. I also stole something from Devon Murray's life. Do you know what it is? ;) Report Review
Hmmm, Interesting.I wonder what a preasul is??
The more I read into the story the more entertained I become, this is the first mystery I have read on the archive and I have to admit I'm enjoying it! :)
A pashmina, what an interesting choice of clothing, and I like how Parvati was trying to tell Serena that she didn't want to wear the clothes but was telling her in a tactfull way,it made me think that she respected Serena for some reason!
Another good chapter, 10/10 :)Author's Response: Okay, here's a clue: JKR always used Latin terms to name her spells. If you didn't know what a spell was supposed to do, you could look up the Latin word. If you find the meaning of "praesul in superficies," you'll have a another clue about Serena.
You are correct; Parvati respects Serena's fashion sense. As we know from JKR, Parvati is interested in beauty and fashion.
The pashmina is me having fun recalling all the 90's fashion trends! Report Review
Hi here with your requested review:
Alright so this was a really really long chapter so hopefully this review hits on a bit of everything:
So first off I want to comend you on Harry's characterization. See personally I would never dare write a story in 3rd person from Harry's perspective because thats what JKR did. That being said I do think that you've pulled it off quite well. Everything that you wrote seemed very much like the way she wrote it as in you have Harry spot on. Especially the parts where you have him sort of bursting with anger. Because as we all know Harry is quite angsty so that seems very much like him.
Alright now onto Serena Serpentia. Now when I see her as a character I'm quite torn. You see the way you've written her makes her seem like a real person (i.e. no Mary Sueness) I mean lets face it, she's sort of obnoxious. But because she's obnoxious and not that perfect I'm good at everything girl she seems more real. Now the thing that I'm torn on is the way that you've made everyone react to her. If it makes sense the entire group of DA's all seem to worship her. When she makes a overly obnoxious comment they just are like OMG I LOVE YOU. That is slightly Mary Sue reminicent, as a Mary Sue can do no wrong. Now that doesn't mean that you have to make the DA gang react negitively towards her comment. For instance I have a really negative friend. When they say something negative I start teasing them about how a positive outlook on life would really benifit their karma. So maybe when she says something like that they all look at home and happy, but they exchange some sort of teasing banter over becoming a bit friendlier. The point here is that their reactions to everything she says doesn't seem like they are worshipping her.
Right now onto the mystery. The Slytherin door being sealed closed. I thought this was interesting, and actually quite realistic. I could totally see the door rejecting the password after the entire battle. The one thing I want to point out is that because this chapter is so long I don't feel like the mystery is at the front of my mind when you end it. That's not neccisarily a bad thing. You left me wondering more about Serena. But you asked if I thought this was a good mystery. It might very well be Sherlock Holmes quality, its just that I feel like I don't see very much of it in this specific chapter. (which again, if thats the way you meant it to be, your golden)
I saw a few spelling errors here and there, a quick once over should fix it. So keep up the good work
~House Cup 2012Author's Response: I am SO glad you reviewed my chapter, because you have put your finger on the thing that I think bugs people about Serena in this first chapter. Several people have told me that she seems Mary Sue-ish, but ONLY in the 1st chapter. Something isn't quite right there, something that isn't a problem later. After reading your review, I think I know where it goes wrong. I know you can't respond to this review, but if you have ideas I would love for you to message me.
Here's what I INTENDED: Serena is usually very critical and bossy. No one enjoys this, but they do recognize this as her usual personality. In fact, none of the DA find her fun to be around, but since she did, indeed, help them out during that awful year, they don't want anything bad to happen to her. In fact, as we'll see later, a few of them have found things they like about her. I mean, she's not Pansy, nasty all the time (as JKR wrote Pansy.) When Serena appears in the Great Hall, she isn't acting at all like herself, and this worries the DA. When she starts acting like herself again -- making snarky comments -- they are relieved that she seems to be okay. That's why Michael happily says, "She's back!"
Okay, that's what I INTENDED. Obviously I'm missing the mark. You're not the first person who thought they were worshipping her, and I have to fix that somehow! I think it's "bad enough" (from the point of view of Harry) that they seem to be friendly with her. That's it -- they should be mysteriously FRIENDLY with her, not IN AWE. Any ideas are welcome!
I'm so glad you like the way I wrote from Harry's point of view! I'll be writing from the POV again later in the story.
I'll be putting clues about Serena in the first several chapters, and then revealing answers in the middle of the story. Of course, some readers might start figuring out some of it by then!
Okay -- the spelling errors are freaking me out! Even if they are actually typos, my spell-checker should have caught them; I programmed it to recognize all Potterverse words. I wonder what they are.
Again, thanks for reviewing, and I'll put in a request for the next chapter.
This story just gets more and more intriguing as I read on!
I liked the Charlie's comment “You don’t forget the name of someone who can train thestrals.” That particular conversation made me laugh in fact!
This Serena person is. For want of a better word, different! I can sort of see why Semus is drawn to her, she really is intriguing.
Can't wait to find out what happens next- especially since I love the Irish ;D 10/10 :)Author's Response: Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! I've responded to your reviews backwards! (It's that kind of day.) Of course, by now you've read the chapter that takes place in Ireland! Yay, Irish! Report Review
Wow! An interesting start!
Serena seems interesting, there is something about her that makes me want to read on!
It's definitely a mystery, and a good one at that :D
10/10 can't wait to read on!Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I'm glad you like it so far. I'm looking forward to knowing what you think when you read more. Report Review
I am finally here with your review. I am sorry it has taken me this long.
I really liked this chapter and all the mystery that surrounds the plot line. I interested in what is going to happen with Serena and Professor Slughorn.
I didn't see a lot of action in this chapter, but like you pointed out there was a lot of dialogue. I like this chapter because we get a little more information that we are looking for. That way the guessing game continues to leave us guessing and trying to figure out what is going on.
I thought the dialogue was great. I thought you really made it work and made the characters really stand out.
Keep up the awesome writing! =)
-SR17Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing! I'm glad the chapter worked for you. It was interesting to write from Minerva's point of view. I'm hard at work on the next chapter! Report Review
Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums here to review for you again! :D So, let's go over things:
Continuity: Okay, I noticed a couple of issues at the very beginning of the chapter. You mention that Marcus Flint is among the rebuilders at the school. But, as I remember him in canon, he's a Slytherin through and through and I really don't think he would have wanted to help rebuild the castle. You also say "Mrs. and Mrs. Patil" as the twins' parents. I mean, if they're both women, that's fine, but if it's a typo. ;] Just pointing it out.
Characterization: I love that this was a McGonagall chapter! I think you definitely hit her characterization dead-on. And I loved that Neville was prominent here too. Good job with him. He's very believable as well.
Descriptions: You know my description rant. ;] I did like when McGonagall was looking out her window, and when Serena entered. Those were well-written scenes.
Emotions: Hmm. I liked how nervous Professor McGonagall was when she thought that Neville and Grubbly-Plank knew more than they were supposed to. I think her nerves were really appropriate. I would think she would be more exasperated with Serena, though. She just seems mildly annoyed.
Plot: I LOVED that you made Neville Head Boy! I had never thought of that, but that's really great. Awesome. I loved it. And I'm really interested about what's been going on with Hermione and Serena. What a bizarre new clue. That's definitely eye-catching for readers. And I liked your subtle hints about Serena. Overall, this was a great chapter for the story. I think it moved things along wonderfully.
Interactions: I liked the conversation between Neville and McGonagall. I love that she's got him coming to her board meetings and that she's trying to get him to explain the Serena-situation to her. I think that scene was great. Though, I don't know if she'd really call him "Neville" to his face. It seems TOO informal for her. ;]
I think you're doing well. This was one of your best chapters so far. Good work!
--EmilyAuthor's Response: Thanks for reviewing! I'm glad you enjoyed this chapter and found it interesting. Good catch about the Patils! It is, indeed, "Mr. and Mrs. Patil." I'll have to fix that.
Thanks for your input about McGonagall saying "Neville." She's said "Harry" before (once) and she's deliberately trying to gain Neville's confidence (and he's now an adult,) but she's also someone who was known to call Dumbledore "Dumbledore"; she didn't always call him "Albus." So she is pretty formal! I may change that.
I'm going to totally disagree with you about Flint and Slytherins in general. Slytherins love Hogwarts, too! And Flint's family weren't Death Eaters (JKR mentioned the Death Eater families connected with Harry's peers many times.) I'm writing more about the Flints in the next chapter.
Thanks again for reading and reviewing! Report Review
I am finally here with your review!
I really like this chapter and the way that you break it down so it is easy to understand.
I really enjoyed the background information we were given. I thought it provided a greater overall picture to the story line so far. I thought you did just fine describing it and bringing it to life.
Seamus's Dad was really realistic and solid. He was also a bit gullable to. He is trying to understand what is going on, but doesn't fully get it. I don't think this section is confusing at all. It is different then anything I've ever read before and I think it makes it even more the better.
I would like to see an extention/follow up to the ending. I wouldn't say frustrated, but I would say more curious than ever.
Overall, I really liked the chapter. I liked the description and the way you gave more background info. It helps provide a clear picture. I would like to see a follow up to the end of the chapter, but that is only my opinion. I also really liked the way you have the characters characterized. Seamus's Dad was a really interesting character.
Keep up the awesome writing! =)Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing! I'm so glad you like Seamus' dad! Okay, I will make sure that the next chapter, which is back at Hogwarts, contains something that lets the reader know what's going on between Seamus and Serena. Report Review
Hello again! This is DarkRose from the forums here to review for you! :D So, let's go over things:
Characterization: Hmmm! Well, things are getting quite interesting with your characters. Seamus is still quite good. I really liked that you showed how he was trying to tell his dad things, but it was still difficult for him to explain. And Serena...I don't know how to feel about her at this point. I still think she's Snape's daughter. Well, maybe not. But I'm SURE she's not a normal human being. THAT is clear enough.
Descriptions: Again with what I've mentioned before. There were a few places where you did wonderfully describing the scene or something like that, but you can always push it a little further to get more out of it. :]
Emotions: Well...I liked how worried Mr. Finnegan was. That was really sweet. But, other than that, I didn't get too many emotions coming through. I felt young Serena's frustration in the flashback, but I still don't fully understand her, so maybe I'm misinterpreting her.
Plot: Hmmm. The flashbacks really helped me understand Serena and Seamus's past. I'm wondering where things will go from here. She is so. bizarre. I don't know what to think of her! And I'm interested to see what they decide to do for their NEWTs. Good job!
Interactions: Well, in the past, Serena is a complete brat to everyone. I definitely don't like her. But she and Seamus have a strange sort of friendship in the present-time, so maybe she's not completely awful. I'm not sure. I liked the scene with Seamus and his dad too. That had a really good quality to it. Very believable.
So, you were worried about the ending. I don't think it's bad at all! I think it works perfectly as a cliff-hanger, and readers who are interested will definitely come back to see what happens next. I don't think you ended in a bad place. :]
You're doing pretty well. The more I understand Serena, the less of a total Mary-Sue she seems, if that's any condolence. :] Keep up the good work!
--EmilyAuthor's Response: Thank you for the review! Glad you liked Seamus and his dad; I loved writing about Mr. Finnegan. I know you're not a huge Serena fan, but at least you want to keep hearing about her. (Or maybe you just want to hear about Seamus... don't blame you!) I'm hard at work on the next section! Report Review
It's me again, for the final review with what you currently have posted.
Plot: OKAY. So, I think I may have actually started figuring things out. Is Serena a vampire? Or some other type of mythical creature? She's definitely not human, that much I've gathered. I wonder what, exactly, she is. I think you definitely have something that's able to catch readers' interest, so well done. In this chapter, it was much more clear that Serena makes people uncomfortable. I'm glad that finally came through.
Characterization: Well...Seamus. I feel bad for him, honestly. He really is trying to protect her (or maybe he should be looking out for everyone else...), and she's just a psycho! As for Serena, I didn't mind her as much in this chapter. I thought she was bizarre, more than anything. I'm definitely leaning towards the vampire concept.
Descriptions: You know my detail-rant already, so I won't rewrite it, but I think you're doing a pretty good job. You definitely added in some things that were quite helpful to the setting and the story. Overall, not bad.
Emotions: Hmm...I don't know if I got enough of Seamus's panic/worry/whatever about Serena running rampant. And I thought the ending could have been more dramatic. But it didn't ruin the chapter.
Interactions: That ending part with Serena sifting them somewhere was surprising. She and Seamus have a very strange relationship. I'm worried for him, to be honest. She's not quite...stable. I also liked that I could see how uncomfortable Serena made Parvati. I think that helped me understand her character more.
Pacing: You're moving the plot along at a pace that keeps things interesting. I think you're doing quite well. Also, it all flows together flawlessly, so that's a definite bonus.
Keep up the great work. I think this chapter was the best you've written so far. Good job!
--EmilyAuthor's Response: Thank you for reading all of my chapters so far! I won't spoil the mystery, but you have correctly noticed that Seamus pays attention to the times when Serena acts witchy. and when she does not ;)
Yay that you like the Serena/Parvati scene! Poor Parvati! She really admires Serena's sense of style... 90% of the time. The other 10%... yikes!
Thanks for all the thoughtful comments! Report Review
It's me again!
Characterization: Okay! Well, we've got several characters here. Serena, Seamus, and Harry, especially. Harry is quite believable. I liked that he questioned Seamus, but still backed off when he knew that Ron wanted to leave. It shows his loyalty and I liked that. Seamus is interesting in this chapter. On the one hand, we get that he sort of...babysits Serena so she doesn't do anything too crazy, but on the other hand, there's a really deep friendship between the two of them. Those aspects of his character make him quite interesting. I'm intrigued to see where his character goes. Serena wasn't as bad in this chapter. She was still Mary-Sue-ish (with her gorgeous good looks and lack of caring for rules and norms), but things weren't quite as bad as before. Though, the fact that she and Seamus can train thestrals (when in canon, Hagrid is the only person alive to have done that), that's a little ridiculous. But...we'll see if it's plot-essential later. :]
Descriptions: Same thing that I mentioned in the last chapter--you can really ramp these up. I don't think they're bad at all, don't get me wrong! But I think you can really bring readers into the story if you describe things more specifically.
Emotions: I think Seamus came through really clearly in this chapter. I could sense that he cares about Serena and wants to keep her reigned in, but there's also a certain amount of exasperation with him, and I like that. Great job.
Plot: Okay, so Serena's up to something else! I can't wait to see what's going on. You definitely have an interesting story and I think you're taking it in a fun and original direction. I'm intrigued to see what happens next.
Interactions: I liked the friendship that you showed between Serena and Seamus. She's still really cruel-seeming, but I can tell she has some sort of soft-spot of him. And he's almost babysitting her, but he's obviously not going to be doing a good job. We'll see what happens next.
I'm interested to see where this story is going. I can't quite tell what direction you're taking, so I'll be reading the next chapter soon to see if it becomes more clear. You're doing well, and I hope I'm not being too harsh!
--EmilyAuthor's Response: Aaack! How horrible do I have to make Serena before she stops being a Mary Sue??? I see a unicorn-hide coat in her future... with a kitten hat. puppy gloves. shrunken house-elf-head necklace? Where's Hermione when you need someone for a Slytherin to insult???
Then, again, if you're saying she's too perfectly horrid, I could live with that! Warning: She's going to get MORE TALENTED. Yeep! That's not normal, is it? What could be going on?
Do you remember where the part about Hagrid being the world's-only thestral trainer is in the books? I don't recall that. (By the way, three guesses from whom Seamus learned to do it! Hint: Seamus wants to get a NEWT in Care of Magical Creatures.)
Nope -- you're not too harsh! I need to know what fans of Potter fan fic think of my stories! I hope you're enjoying the next chapter; after that, there's one more chapter from Seamus' POV that just got validated.
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Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums again! :D So, review time:
Let's start with plot: Okay, you have something very interesting here. I don't think I've read another story like it before, so I'm intrigued to see where this will go. I have suspicions that Serena may be related to Snape somehow, but that might be very off. Additionally, I'm very suspicious of her at the moment, especially since she locked up the Slytherin common room! What made her think she could do that? Hmmm...we'll see where that goes, as well.
Characterization: All right, here's where I've got some constructive criticism for you. I'm having trouble taking Serena seriously. She's fallen into the trap that many, many OCs fall into--she's becoming a Mary-Sue. Okay, so, why do I think that? There are a few reasons that she doesn't seem believable. One, of course, is that she's inexplicably good at magic. She's even thwarted Professor McGonagall, and Harry suspects she can perform Occlumency as well. Hmm...that's a lot of talents. Additionally, she has an attitude that makes her come off as very mean (like when she didn't really care that Collin was dead, more that she had wasted HER time), but people still seem to love her. In real life, I suspect that that wouldn't be the case. She seems almost cruel, yet people are very attracted to being her friend. Also, everyone is calling her "Miss Serpentia" which is just...weird. And she has body guards! It's all just far too formal to be realistic. Maybe further down the line, it'll make sense, but for now...she just seems too perfect to be real. To remedy that, perhaps you could bring her back down to reality. Give her a more believable personality. At the moment, she's very stilted and off-putting. We'll see how this goes in future chapters. :] Other than Serena, though, I think you characterized everyone else very well. I especially liked the way you handled Harry's doubt of her. He doesn't trust her at first, and that's very much how I think Harry would act.
Descriptions: I think I may have mentioned my detail-rant in my last review, haha. I'm still not sure what Serena looks like, and you could really make this story great if you emphasized how things look, smell, sound, feel, etc.
Emotions: Okay, so, I mentioned that Serena seems very cold. I expect she'll change in the future, so I actually like that she wasn't friendly/nice in this chapter. I was so annoyed at her when they were talking about Hary defeating Voldemort and she said, "about time" or something like that! I was just thinking, "What, were YOU going to do it or something?" How annoying! But well-written, don't get me wrong. ;] And I liked how skeptical Harry was. I could feel his uncertainty and that really helped his character to be believable.
Interactions: Well...I actually almost LIKE that Serena and Seamus have something going on between them. It would almost be sweet if she wasn't so mean. ;] And I missed Hermione and Ron in this chapter! I wish they would show up...But Harry's interactions with his other friends were good. I liked the line where Harry was appreciating them for not treating him like a celebrity. Good job.
So far, the pacing and flow are moving along nicely. I think you're doing a good job, overall. Check out what I mentioned about Serena's Mary-Sue tendencies, but other than that--keep up the good work! I'll read more soon.
--EmilyAuthor's Response: Hi, Emily! I'm really glad you responded. I'm not sure if you can reply to my reply, but I think you can message me via the forums. (I haven't tried this myself.)
At this point Serena should definitely seem unpleasant, especially since we are seeing her through Harry's eyes. Therefore, I'm glad you found her mean and selfish. You also correctly picked up that she is moving and speaking in a very affected, almost theatrical way. It doesn't sound like you found that too appealing! My question is: if you weren't reviewing the story, would this make you say, "Oh, ick!" and stop reading, or would you want to keep reading to see if she snaps out of it?
Did you really feel like the others (besides Seamus) were actually her friends? If so, I'll have to change some of their responses to her. My intention is that the others don't really understand why this extremely mean, selfish, snobby Head Girl protected the non-Slytherins from being tortured by the Carrows and saved Dean's life, but they are grateful that she did. It's like they all went through this awful experience together, so they are a part of a family, even the horrid second cousin (that would be Serena.) Harry's friends are all really nice people, so they would hate to see Serena hurt, but she actually scares the crap out of them. (The "Miss Serpentia" will be explained soon -- things were different under Snape's rule.)
Oops! Those "bodyguards" are her cousins, come to take her home! We learn this in the next chapter, but it's good feedback to know that you assumed they were bodyguards and not relatives. Wonder how many others thought that, too.
Once again, you are correct about the smells and sounds! Will need to add these.
Hermione and Ron will appear! I love Ron! (He, however, does not love Serena.)
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I'm so sorry for being late with you review.
This is a really interesting story and what I've read so far makes me want to know more about Serena. Writing right after the battle has ended is a hard thing to do and I think you've managed to do it really well. And you've portrayed the characters realistically which is something quite hard to do.
You've certainly created a story with lots of mystery and suspense that draws the reader in. And it is extremely well written - there were no grammer or spelling mistakes.
Hope this helped.
MystiqueAuthor's Response: Thank you for the feedback! I'm glad to know that you think I've accomplished my goals, and that you like the story so far! I hope you'll want to review more; I'll put in another request! Report Review
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