umm i kind of don't really get the story or the title that well but its pretty good anyway. 8/10Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing. The title comes from a poem by A.E Houseman of the same name and is sort of about lost childhood innocence. I can't have more than three or four lines of quote in a story, so I couldn't put the whole poem in there. Perhaps I should have recommend people read it if they aren't familiar with it. I see this story as the beginning of the end of the relationship between Petunia and Lily, the coming to an end of that part of her childhood, and so for me, the poem fit.
Thanks once again for reviewing, and I hope that might have cleared things up for you. Report Review
Hey! I'm here with your requested review :)
As I mentioned in my review thread, I love Snape/Lily stories, and even though this one isn't about the shipping, I still enjoyed having another look at their first meeting way back as children. I really loved your Lily, and though I felt like all the characters were believable, to me she was the closest to what we know of her canon characterization. I especially thought you did well in keeping her thoughts within the parameters of what we would expect for a nine-year-old. For example, to me it makes sense that she would use events that she's seen or people that she knows as comparison points (like what constitutes magic). I also liked her matter-of-fact sense of logic; again, I think it fits in well with her age and what we know of her.
To be honest, I didn't notice a whole lot of what I would call imagery here, except at the beginning and end. I think that's fine, because to me the plot was driven more by Lily's inner thoughts and her interactions with the other characters. While I liked the little scene featured at the beginning and end, I think you could expand it a little more to weave it in with the main plot line a little more tightly. For example, you could have had Lily make the flowers in Petunia's wreath dance, and then Petunia might have gotten angry. I can see that your intention was to show the bond between the sisters and demonstrate that Petunia's (overt, at least) intention is to protect Lily from magic, but to me it needed an extra step or two to make that happen.
I think the story is technically sound, so clearly your beta did a good job, which is great. I also think this piece flowed very well, especially the part where Snape and Lily have a conversation. I love the subtle hints at the affection he already has for her and her hesitant feelings about getting to know him. I think you did a wonderful job of foreshadowing the complex relationship to come, and it had an almost predatory feel to it in places, with Snape knowing so much more than Lily about magic. As someone who's written Snily, I find these conversations hard to write, so it's impressive to me that you were able to do it so well.
Nice work! I hope this review is helpful :)
Recenseo 2012Author's Response: Thanks for the review :) It is very helpful. The part in the beginning and end... thanks for the insights. I'm not really keen on the idea of Petunia getting angry in that scene because first of all, Lily is around two or three years old, probably too young to preform that sort of magic, and secondly, I wanted to show them before magic played a part in their lives. I wanted to show the love that existed between them to contrast what happened in the story. If you've got any other suggestions as to how I could tie the sections in more effectively, I'd love to hear them :)
I'm glad the conversation between Snape and Lily is okay. I was a little worried about that. You've actually picked up on things I had no idea I was conveying, so I guess that's a good thing! I'm also happy that Lily's childishness was believable; it was the point of the challenge. I'll admit to getting inspiration from stuff I've read, mainly short stories I did in school, so it's not entirely my own ideas!
Once again, thanks so much for this very insightful review. Report Review
Hey! This is apocalypse, here to review your challenge entry!
I think that this was quite good! The way you portrayed the relationship between Petunia and Lily, that was the best part of the story. It magnified the significance of all those events of their lives that happened to separate them as sisters and I think that you did an amazing job while portraying the characters!
I think that you did a good job with Lily's thoughts and feelings too and that you actually managed to make her believable. =) I did think that she was a tad bit more thoughtful than I would've imagined her to be but I suppose that that's excusable. =) It was a good story.
When she began realizing everything, I really liked that part. You linked her thoughts together in a wonderful way and the way she decided to go meet him, I liked that power of decision making. I was glad you portrayed her that way! Great job!
Overall, it was a really good story! I loved how you gave it another dimension by describing her relationship with her sister so great job for that! =) Keep it up!
Thank you SO much for entering my challenge! =D
P.S. You probably know that I've decided to choose only one winner for my challenge. I hope that that's alright with you. =)Author's Response: Hi there :) I agree with you about Lily being more thoughtful than she probably would have been; it was something I was worrying about while I was writing it, but it was so close to the deadline that I felt changing it would have been a bit too much at short notice, so I decided to just try and get away with it.
I'm glad you liked the portrayal of Petunia and Lily, it was supposed to be the major point of the story. Thanks so much for reviewing, and for setting the challenge! Report Review
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