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Review #1, by Mystique Chapter One: And It Begins

4th June 2012:
Hi,

This seems to be a really interesting plot you have - I'll be interested to see how it turns out. You might want to use Mum instead of Mom - but it's up to you.

Also, I'm presuming that JC would have been to Diagon Alley before as that is the only wizarding shops in London - she might have gone when her brother went there to get his wand. You didn't mention her going into the Leakey Cauldron - which she would have gone into to get to the Brick Wall. You could right about seeing all the different witches and wizards in there.

Some of the wording was a bit odd. For example “You (will not) be allowed to play Quidditch this year, first years can’t,” He protested." Instead of (will not) (wont) would probably sound better.

You should advertise for a banner over at TDA as the really attract a reader to your story. If you need any help, feel free to PM on the Forums or at TDA. My username there is Mystique17. Also you might want to advertise for a beta for your story as it really helps your story and your writing.

I hope this helped.
Mystique

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