Hi! Here for the Holiday Review Swap!
I think this is an interesting story idea, and I want to know what happened between Hermione and Draco for him to be sorry? Where they together in their Hogwarts years without us knowing?
In the letter, Draco says it's taken him five years to write the letter, and the date suggests that they were together in their third years? Still very intrigued. One thing though- how do they have the letter in the attic if Hermione never knew it existed? How did it get there?
While I think you got Rose's child-like feelings and thoughts down really well, I think you could slow down a little and describe things some more. Also, I don't think Hugo is mentioned?
Good job! :)Author's Response: Hey, sorry it took me so long to respond to this!
I'm glad you think It's an interesting idea and thanks for the advice, I'll go back and put in Hugo! Can't believe forgot him!
Thanks for the review! :) Report Review
Tagging you from the Review Tag thread!
I thought this was a really interesting premise. The idea that, at a very young age, Hermione and Draco might have had a thing for one another is unconventional and definitely takes some getting used to. But the dramatic potential is undeniable. It's obviously already put a huge strain on Ron and Hermione's relationship and poor Rose is sort of caught in the middle now. You've set the stage really well.
One thing that seemed odd to me was the letter compared to Rose's thoughts on the dates. The letter says that five years have passed while Rose is backing into her mother's age based on seven years. Either I missed something or one of those figures is incorrect.
I also think you need to take a careful look at this paragraph:
"Hey, hey. That's not your fault. Shh." She placed her arms around me and started to stroke my hair like she used to when I was little and had a nightmare. "It wasn't your fault that you find the letter and anyways I'm glad you did, if you hadn't I would never have found it and I would never have know he was sorry. As for your dad and me arguing, well thats just because your dad has a grudge so he can't see anything clearly. But don't you be getting upset over it."
Hermione's dialog has some issues with verb tenses (find and know) and the first sentence kind of runs on. Also, "thats" should be "that's". Even more off-putting is the way that she sort of blames Ron for the argument. It might well be the truth, but I can't imagine Hermione being that sort of parent. Her argument is with Ron, and I just have a hard time imagining her bringing Rose into it.
Aside from that, I thought this was well written. I liked all of Rose's reactions to the events going on around her. It must all seem very strange and confusing to an eleven-year-old, and you did a good job of capturing that. Hermione's reaction to the letter was perhaps a little too dramatic, but within the range of possibility. And Ron would definitely be very upset by something like this. He wears his heart on his sleeve and he doesn't deal well with change.
Also interesting that Hermione sends Rose off to talk to Harry. I'm curious where you're going with that.
Overall, I think you have a good start here!Author's Response: Hey, thanks for reviewing and sorry this is late!
I'll have a look at the figures see where I need to change and I'll look through the paragraph and change the tense, thanks for telling me :)
I'm glad you like it though, and thanks again for reviewing. :)
Looking forward to more happening! :DAuthor's Response: Thanks! I'll try and update quickly. :) Report Review
i wish i could also write goodAuthor's Response: Thank you! :) Report Review
wow i liked how u ended the chapterAuthor's Response: Thanks and thanks for reviewing! :) Report Review
awessome it was really good can't wait too read moreAuthor's Response: Thanks, I'm glad you are enjoying it!:) Report Review
wish rose was placed in Ravenclaw :D nice update!Author's Response: Hey, thanks for reviewing and I'm glad you liked it! :) Report Review
Love that part about her looking like Grandma Weasley. It gives us an immediate impression of her stance and her attitude.
*laughs* Draco really did play it down, didn't he? But then how do you tell your son "your grandfather was a major criminal who spent time in prison for hate crimes and when he was jailed, I joined the criminal organisation in his place and nearly killed Rose's father by accident when I was trying to kill a hero of the wizarding world." *laughs* That would be an interesting conversation.
I'm pretty interested to find out what houses they are in. I'm guessing Scorpius will end up somewhere that isn't Slytherin. Maybe all three will end up in Gryffindor.
Love the part about her tumbling to the floor. It adds a bit of commonplace reality to your story.
One slightly confusing line: "as Scorpius pulled me to her feet." I'm assuming it should be "as Scorpius pulled me to my feet".
I also like the way you finish up the chapter. It kind of shows Rose's immediate reaction to Hogwarts.Author's Response: Hey, sorry this is late.
Ha, yeah Draco played it down but I think it would be difficult to tell your 11 year old that. Yeah it should be, thanks for telling me.
Thanks for reviewing and I'm glad you liked the ending! :) Report Review
Really like the fact that you decided to make this more than a one-shot. Chapter 1 left so many questions unanswered, like whether Draco has changed and realised the error of his ways, whether he and Hermione will meet up and whether Hermione and Ron will ever come to an agreement about this issue. And I guess whether Rose will ever find out too.
I think there might be a mistake in this. You've said Hugo waited for her to follow him onto the train. I presume that's Albus.
You also have "you mum and dad", when it should be "your mum and dad".
I think it is interesting that you have Harry and Draco friends now. It does make sense since Draco really owes Harry one for saving his life and we got the impression in the final two books that Harry had some sympathy for what Draco was going through and understood that he'd been pretty much brainwashed and didn't have much choice about some of his actions.
I'd love to see him give a proper apology. Not just "I'm sorry I used a slur. I didn't realise how bad it was," but "my attitudes towards so many things when I was a teen was appalling. I was brought up with those views, but that's no excuse. I respect you completely now and realise that who your parents are has nothing to do with how good a witch you are." But I guess we're nineteen years later now, so more likely, that apology was made YEARS ago or at least implied. Actions speak louder than words after all, so just treating Muggleborns and werewolves and house-elves and so on as equals says far more than an apology was. And I guess we can assume he now does that or I don't suppose Harry would be his friend.
Hmm, quite an intriguing ending. I'm guessing Rose and Albus will end up befriending Scorpius, which is one thing that could well change Ron's opinion of Draco, if he gets to know him as the man he is now and the father of his daughter's friend, rather than who he was at the age of 17.Author's Response: Hey, sorry that this is late.
Yeah, I need to go change that and thanks for pointing out the other thing. Yeah, I thought it would be more realistic that Harry was on better terms with Draco and not totally hating him.
Thanks for reviewing! :) Report Review
Thanks for entering my challenge.
Before I start reading, I'll say that this sounds like a really original idea for a story.
Hmm, I think Draco is rather missing the point. The issue isn't really that his words hurt Hermione. I very much doubt she cares WHAT he thinks of her. The issue is that his views were extremely bigoted and that he joined what was basically a terrorist hate-group. Admittedly, he was somewhat forced into it, but the fact that he can't fully admit what he's done in the letter or apologise properly wouldn't impress me if I was Hermione. Boiling discrimination and hate-crimes down to "oh, I didn't really mean what I said" is minimising and making excuses.
Hmm, I wonder what the disastrous consequences of his words refers to. I'm pretty sure he is dealing with disastrous consequences, but they would be consequences of him joining the Death Eaters rather than just of his words.
Unless he feels that losing a chance to be friends with or go out with Hermione is the worst thing that ever happened to him, in which case, I think he is once more missing the point. *laughs* For one thing, even if he was nice to her, the odds are against her falling in love with him. Presumably most people are reasonably nice to her. She's not going to fall in love with them all.
Unless there's something you haven't revealed yet and she and he were developing a friendship that he wrecked in some way.
Or of course, the consequences may not refer to her at all.
You've a small "he" on "He nodded" when it should be a capital. It'd also probably be better to put it on the next line, so as to separate it from what Rose said.
Love the part where he tells her to go and play and she gets insulted because she's not five. It's pretty typical of being 11 or 12, when you feel you are so grown up and that PLAYING is beneath you, no matter how much you want to.
The attitudes of Ron and Hermione seem quite characteristic. I can easily see Ron never forgiving Draco, whereas I think it is quite likely that Hermione, who tends to be sympathetic to underdogs would figure he was very young, he had been pretty brainwashed by his family and so on and he learnt a pretty harsh lesson or two, and he is likely a better person now.
I think Hermione is being a bit unfair now, saying that Ron is just holding a grudge. Draco did some appalling things. I think Ron has good reasons not to be willing to trust him. But it makes sense, because Hermione always did think she was right.
It will be interesting to see if Draco really has changed his ways and to what degree.Author's Response: Hey, Sorry this is late.
Yeah, Draco is very much missing the point and I also doubt Hermione would fall in love with him as well! (Romione for ever :P )
Thanks for the CC, I'll go back and edit when I get a chance.
I'm glad you though the characterization was good and thanks for the review! :D
Another nice update.Author's Response: Thank you, I'm glad you like it! :)
I enjoyed your story. It's fun and funny. Poor Rose.. may never find out. :-)
Oh wait... I bet she finds out at Hogwarts.. You're in for a big surprise, young Rose.
Good job.Author's Response: Hey, I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Thanks for reviewing! :) Report Review
Oh my gosh, cliffhanger or what?
One confusing part was Hugo - was he going to Hogwarts or not? I think you may have confused him with Albus at some points.
I like that Rose is getting annoyed at her parents and uncle, simply because they are being secretive. I get the feeling she's hating the fact that they probably think she's too young ;) But you really do have me interested, Rose meets S.Malfoy - Ooh er - would love to see her response.
If I'm honest, after reading the first two chapters, this should really be a Novel, or a Novella at the least. I feel there is so much you could include, perhaps history will repeat itself(in the Malfoy family)
The sentence structure could be improved, and some description added to help the flow, since your sentences are all sort of 'one-liners', and just to fill them out a little and vary the lengths would make and even more interesting read!
I look forward to seeing where you're going with this!
~ EmilyAuthor's Response: Hey, I'll go through and edit, thanks for letting me know!
I probally will end up adding some more chapters just need to figure out what happens. I'm glad you liked it though and thanks for reviewing! :) Report Review
Ooh, this is exciting!
I love the characterization in this, both Ron and Hermione were in character, and Rose acted and thought exactly like an eleven year old would, she was very curious! I loved the fact that the story was told from the point of view of a young Rose, it was unusual, but brilliant and unique. I loved how she worried about them breaking up, and even referred to her friend's parents' relationship - this was very 'in character' for a young girl upon hearing her parents arguing.
It's very well written, but could do with a few grammar checks to be perfect! The description is good considering it's written in first person, and it's often hard to get everything in, as the person may not survey every single aspect of a curtain(or something) especially not an eleven year old.
Good job! It's off to Chapter 2 for me ;)
~EmilyAuthor's Response: Hey, I'm glad you think the characterisation is good, never wrote from a Next gen P.O.V before.
This is in the middle of being beted, so that should help.
Thanks for reviewing! :) Report Review
Hey, it's JessiesGirl (Katherine) here for the review swap. So I was skimming through your authors page wondering which story to choose and then I saw this and couldn't resist taking a look as I am a self-confessed Dramione nut.
I don't think I've ever come across a Draco/Hermione fic before where both partys haven't been in it. The fact that Draco's voice is only present through the epistolary style creates an air of ambiguity that I find quite interesting on the whole. It's a very defferent approach to what I'm used to. I also like the fact that you have opted to tell this story from the point of view of Rose. Considering she's just a child it throws quite an innocent perspective onto this sordid secret that Malfoy apparently had which I personally find to be quite refereshing. Good choice! Also, I really liked the fact that I as a reader was made to feel completely omnipotent in the respect that at one point during the story (upon reading the letter) I knew more about the goings on than any other character.
Your writing style on the whole is very good although there were one or two moments where I did feel as though things could have been worded better.
Your character of Ron and Hermione were both very much spot on so kudos for that. Overall a very nice read. Well done!
- KatherineAuthor's Response: Hey, thanks for reviewing! :)
I'm glad you liked it and I'm in the middle of getting it bete'd so hopefully it will be better after that.
Thanks again for reviewing! :) Report Review
Definitely not left as a one shot! You have so many end to tie up(:
Flow: This was a little choppy, but it's an easy fix. Try transitioning sentences rather than page breaks or whatnot;P It will help smooth things out!
Characterization: I think we learned a lot about Rose, but I would like to see more from Ron and Hermione. I loved the letter from Draco, it had a very draco-vibe to it.
Believablity: This was okay, but I find myself wondering how in the hell would Rose not know who Draco Malfoy is? Maybe it's just me, but I see him along with the trio and many others involved in the war being quite a hot topic. In my head canon I see him being in the headlines a lot, it just makes sense. Maybe it's because she's young, or I don't know;P
Imagery: I would recommend adding more of this. It really brings a story to life. If you find imagery difficult, try writing like you normally would, then go back and add it in the appropriate spots.
Grammar/Spelling: I would recommend getting a beta, there were a few mistakes here and there, but its no big deal!
Thanks for requesting!
EverAuthor's Response: Hey thanks for reviewing! :)
Thanks for the CC, I've took your advice and I've got a beta so hopefully it will help! :)
Thanks again for reviewing! Report Review
i liked it really good for a short story but the ending doesn't make senseAuthor's Response: Hey, thanks for reviewing!
I'm glad you liked it, as for the neding being confusing, why don't you go to my meet the author page and ask me about some of the things that confused you and I'll try to clear it up. :) Report Review
Okay, I honestly challenge you to go back with this story and rewrite it. it's not bad at all. Don't get me wrong, I love this story, but i think it is more of a novel rather than a one-shot or a short story. I think you need to really expand this story. It has a lot of promise if you sit down and figure out where it is going. It doesn't have to be extremely long may be 8 or so chapters that Rose is discovering the truth about her mother and her love life. Maybe in the end have a great daughter-mother where hermione explains everything that happened and how love sometimes causes hurt. I just really challenge you to expand this story. It could be your best story yet. Overall brava
am.ginnyAuthor's Response: Hey again! :)
Hmm, I'll definitely think about making it longer, extending it. I'd have to work out where to take it and what I wanted to do with it.
Im glad you liked it though! :) Report Review
hahaha very cute and interesting! I like where this is going, and I will definitely be reading the next chapter with a review. It's an interesting take on the life of hermione and ron, and I definitely thought you did well creating a relationship between hermione and draco for as few words you had for it. I feel like the characterization seemed to go in and out, but that could have been due to such the short amount of time for a connection between reader and characters. I would suggest expanding this so it gives the reader more background maybe a flashback or a lead up to going to the attic rather than starting there. It feels almost like you started in the middle of the story rather than the beginning. Other than that, I have no suggestions. Here's to a big a big well done! :)
Am.GinnyAuthor's Response: Hey, thanks for reviewing!
I'll go back and see what I can edit, maybe try and explain why she is in the attic.
I'm glad you liked it though! :)
Thanks again for reviewing! Report Review
Man! Where's the next chapter??? (I realise it was originally a one-shot and is now a "short story" but seriously! You are just too good at page turner chapters! (take that as a compliment and write lots more))Author's Response: Thank you!! :D
Hmm, I'll think about writing another chapter or two?! :)
and so Rose meets Scorpius Malfoy...nice!Author's Response: Hehe! Thanks :) Report Review
Ugg poor Ron being stuck with this Hermione. I mean after Draco identified both her and Ron to the other Death eaters in Malfoy Manor I would have thought Hermione would be smart enough to know better.
Ron isn't the one that can't see clearly. I hope he kicks Hermione to the curb.Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing :)
Ahh, I know what you mean but couldn't they all be friends :) Report Review
Wow you really think what Marietta did is worse than everything Malfoy did? So you think getting her future husband and father to her children nearly killed is nothing compared to almost getting her expelled? Also Marietta only confessed because she was forced by Umbridge. Malfoy did most of his worst to Harry, Ron, and Hermione on his own, before sixth year.
Yes twenty years is a long time but so is seven years of torment that Malfoy put Ron, Harry, herself, Ginny, Neville, and many of their good friends. You really think twenty years and a "sorry, didn't I mention I love you" enough for her to actually believe him? Come on, think about it. I know it's romantic to think that one "I love you" is enough to fix everything but that's not how life works. Another thing, as I've mentioned in my other review Hermione is fiercely loyal. Do you really think that she would be so callous as to totally disregard how Ron feels? That she would just ignore all the years that Ron defended her from Malfoy? Or all the years that Malfoy tormented Ron? Maybe she will be able to forgive Malfoy for all he's done to her but do you really believe she will forgive him for all the horrible things he did to Ron? Or to Harry? Or to Neville?
I'm done here. I've said what I wanted to say. I doubt if I'll be able to convince authors that potray Hermione as this perfect person but I try my best. I love the Harry Potter characters as they are (yes Draco too, his cowardly evil is what makes him who he is) and it annoys me to no end when fic authors twist them (whether good or bad) so much that the characters are no longer the ones JKR wrote.Author's Response: of course what Marietta did isn't as bad as Malfoy but before sixth year Malfoy didn't actually do anything that bad and it's not like Hermione didn't do anything; she slapped him.
This is not real life it's a story, not even a story just a one-shot so it doesn't have to mimick the outside world.
If you don't like people changing characters then why do you read fanfiction? People keep characters alive, make them marry other people because its the 'fans fiction'. If you don't like thatjust read the books or write your own stories and read them. Report Review
Right. Another story that makes Hermione out to be this saint that will instantly, and incredulously, believe and forgive the ferret. So much so that she would go so far as actually take his side when Ron gets angry. Even making him seem like a dumb fool while protecting the ferret by not telling her daughter the truth.
Let me key you in on a secret. Hermione is not a Saint. Remember Marietta Edgecombe? Hermione never once felt sorry for what she did to her. And you know what? Manrietta did far less to her, or Harry, or Ron.
So please do us all a favor. Stop doing a dis-service to Hermione. All this forgiving the ferret like he never wanted to get her or her friends killed, or never tried to intentionally harm Harry and Ron, or that he actually was sorry that he nearly got Katie and Ron killed, or this great BS that fanfiction is perpetrating that he was secretly in love with Hermione the whole time. She is not perfect but she is fiercely loyal. If you think she will just forget the pain the ferret and his family has put Ron, Harry, herself, and the rest of the Weasleys through because ferret says he's "sorry" (in a letter no less, it's like a murderer asking a victim's family for forgiveness through a random email) then you absolutely do not know her character. Or a closet dramione shipper.Author's Response: Ok, well first thanks for leaving a review. :)
In the story Rose is 11 so it has been about 20 years since the war and i don't see Hermione as the type of person to hold a grudge for that long especially since Draco tried to save them at Malfoy Manour.
As for her not telling Rose, she is only 11 and the word mudblood is a word that decent witches/wizards don't say. So would you really tell an 11 year old that?
I know Hermione is not a saint but like i said before Draco tried to save their lives, sure he didn't like them in school, but he couldn't actually do anything that bad to them. he couldn't kill Dumbledore.
Marietta Edgecombe tried to expell them so of course Hermione isn't going to feel remorse for what she has done, she loves school. Report Review
Is there going to be another one with her asking Harry?
It was a nice one-shot, although I feel like you need to revise for spelling errors of reliase instead of realize, lepard instead of leopard, and i instead of I. Cheers!Author's Response: I'm glad you like it. :)
I've went back and changed all the mistakes I could find, thanks.
I'll think about adding another chapter or two! Report Review
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