Oh, my God. You are awesome--but awesome here describes lots of words. Report Review
I read this without really looking at who the characters were or the pairing. I thought I would have a hard time recognizing it due to the disclaimer you put in the beginning, but as I was reading through, I didn't find it hard at all. Though you use metaphors and bring a certain poetic feel to the whole thing, I was still able to follow what you were writing.
Now, I am not one for poetry but I could dig this. I especially liked the beginning where she is feeling weighed down by her raven's wings. That instantly brought to mind that we were reading a story about loss and suffering. I felt the light and carefree and the shift to more somber matters.
Your muscles still ache from being torn off and become only a half.
That line resonated with me. I could imagine (in a very "I NEVER want that to happen to me way") what that would feel like. My hubby's my other half and Hermione losing someone she's known practically her entire life...that's pretty hard. How she wants to put it in words instead of pictures is so her and something that Ron would appreciate, since he married her for her and not for something else.
I liked this.
CharAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for this wonderful review! It's so heart warming! Report Review
Hi there! Here with your requested review!
I absolutely loved this one shot. Honestly, I had to read it through three times to find something to critique and even then it's just a lot of nitpicking. You've clearly spent a lot of time working on all the metaphors and imagery, and it shows. It's a beautiful piece.
I adored the use of second person, first of all. Not a lot of people can pull it off, but you did so perfectly. The metaphors you pulled in were lovely as well. I loved the "circle" structure of the story, how you started and ended with that lovely metaphor of a bird and flying. And I definitely understood it. Despite not knowing their names, it was easy to tell that this was Ron and Hermione. The imagery of the kids helped that a lot, of course, but Hermione's voice came through in the narration as well :)
I'm going to really nitpick this and I hope you don't mind ♥ I loved it and ack I feel like it's going to be overly critical. Okay, deep breath :P
So I think that in the process of making this so elaborate and beautiful, you've also made it a bit wordy in places. You have a lot of adverbs, which most writers and editors will say is their least favorite part of speech. Adverbs make sentences really bulky, for lack of a better word. And then there are other places where your word order is a bit confusing. I'm not going to point out every place, but I'll try and give you enough examples so you can edit it yourself :)
"As the sun increasingly stings your skin..." Increasingly isn't needed here. I know what you're trying to say, but increasingly doesn't fit with the flow of the rest of the sentence. Getting rid of it will help your flow :) Sticking with that same paragraph, you refer to "it" and then you refer to ice cubes. And then you say "you're stuck to its glacial pain..." and it's not exactly clear what "it is referring to"-the sun or the ice cubes. If it is the ice cubes, the it should be "their".
"Now you're trapped in these black heavy raven wings..." In the first part of that sentence, you have an excess of adjectives. Black, heavy, raven wings. Your sentence structure is generally fairly light and pure through the story, so the three adjectives in a row makes it bulky once again. You could probably get rid of black, since raven wings implies that they are black.
"...hurricane swirling in the past." That should either be a hurricane or hurricanes-just saying hurricane sounds a bit awkward ;)
I hope you sort of understand the changes I've suggested? I can be pretty bad at explaining stylistic things like that :P If you want me to clarify or pick out more places where your sentence structure could be improved, feel free to PM me and I'd be glad to have a look! :)
Also a quick note about your formatting, this is totally a personal opinion but your breaks were a bit strange to me. I know you had an extra space between paragraphs when the time was shifting, but it's easy to skip over that or pass it off as a mistake. The use of an asterik (*) or a page break would probably be more effective. That's definitely a personal opinion though, so feel free to ignore it.
Honestly, it was a near perfect one shot. A lovely read! You could probably ignore all my nitpicking if you liked because like I said, I had to read it through several times before picking up on those tricky spots :P You're a wonderful writer!
-NaidaAuthor's Response: Wow, it's been ages since you left this review and I can't tell you how sorry I am for not answering it!
It's really lovely of you saying al that, it warms my heart :,) I did spend a lot of time writing it, well relatively compared to my usual word sprints of rambling and such, so it's really nice that it's noticeable.
And I totally see what you mean. I had so many metaphors in mind that I sort of just wrote everything around them and tried to make it stylistically consistent. So it's over word-y.
I hope maybe some outloud reading will help me improve that? Thanks for pointing that out!
I've been told about the "*" so I'll change that too. I'm often told to be a confusing writer so I'm looking to work on that.
Thank you so much for your review and nitpicking :P I really appreciate it all and am glad you liked it that much! Report Review
Let me start off by saying that this story had many good qualities, and I can see the amount of care you put into it. One does not just whip off something like this, with the attention to the flow of the sentences and the small, gentle way you built up your message about the passage of time. However, there were a few finer details that I'd like to point out as well.
The story, to me, felt a little too long for the way you wrote it. You included several metaphors (more on that in a minute) and told the story of two characters' lives, no small feat for a one shot. When stories are told like this, in what I suppose you would call a stream of consciousness way, the fragments of thought can only be sustained for so long. By the last third or so of the story, I was ready for you to make your point. You'd spoken about time quite a bit, you had a lot of little parts floating around (the addition of the fiery-haired children, for example) and my head was just swimming with all the ideas you were putting out there. This is a personal opinion, mind you, so it's nothing worth worrying about, just mentioning. ;)
Another thing that drew my attention away from the piece as a whole was the number of metaphors you included. From the title, I expected the whole thing to revolve around this image of a bird, yet you introduced it, left it, and didn't revisit it until the last quarter or so of the story. My mind kept wandering as I waited for the significance of the bird to really come to the forefront, but instead, you spent a great deal of time, on, well, time. ;) It's entirely possible that I missed something, but for the most part, I think I was just thrown off by your title. You also had a number of other, smaller metaphors, which worked. But once again, there are only so many things that can fit into a one shot like this, and personally I was spending a great deal of time just trying to keep them all straight in my head when what I really wanted to do was absorb the story as a whole.
Those were the two major things, and I hope I've done an okay job of explaining them. Other than that, this was skillfully done. You dealt with a heavy subject delicately, you built up your characters' identities slowly, and your word choice was well done. In fact, it was the simple ones that I liked most, such as this one: "Fifteen years means nothing now. Fifteen years would mean it all." The whole atmosphere of the story may have been the best part of all, in my opinion. It never wavered for a second.
So, overall, a successful story. The things I mentioned were just things that crossed my mind that I thought might be helpful to know, at the very least if you attempt a similar story in the future. Once again, I could really appreciate the care and detail you put into this, it was evident. Nice job.Author's Response: First of all, let me thank you for this great review. It is really helpful and I'll think of all you said :)
I actually wrote this for several days, trying to make sure it was smooth and understandable, so I imagine that affecting the pace.
It was based on the quote for a challenge, and so I did spend a lot of time pondering on time, teehee. And I see how I forgot a little the bird metaphor, I thought giving it tail and beak, but as more metaphors flowed it messed with the proportions I guess.
I don't think I could get rid of the extra metaphors, but you're right about the lack of conclusion! I guess I just don't know it myself, but I'll think of it.
Once again, thanks for the very complete review! Me needz CC :3 Report Review
Wow. Gosh, I loved this. It was just so good.
I loved the way you didn't mention their names. It was stylistic and it worked because you didn't need to. It was obviously Ron and Hermione, with Hermione narrating and that came over so easily - the characterisation was so clear that qualifying it or mentioning her name would actually have taken away from the story, I think.
The way you told it as well was just lovely. Your language was kinda poetic and rolled so smoothly, making it so easy to read, even if I did have to take it slower than normal, just letting it all sink in. The only thing I did notice was that you used 'abstractness' and one another like that, I think (a word ending in -ness) and they sort of threw the rhythm off for me. Perhaps it would be better if you changed them to 'an abstract world' or something like that? I dunno... they just didn't seem to fit.
That's the only thing wrong with this, though, I swear! Everything else is practically perfect. The quote was integrated in a way I really didn't expect, even after reading the summary and looking at the banner and chapter image and things, and I really liked it. It was a good twist on what would otherwise be a relatively light-hearted quote.
The length of this was also perfect. Because it was so emotionally heavy you didn't want it to be too long, but it wasn't. It was just right.
And the metaphors were beautiful. All the mentions of colours and comparing her and Ron to hummingbird's, and the idea of Rose and Hugo being little twin fires and mentioning blindness, like she can't see anything without Ron there. they were just so good. They might have been melodramatic, thinking about it, they could have been - but they weren't. You made them work and made me understand where Hermione was coming from.
Seriously, this was just so good. Whatever you do, don't stop writing - not if you pull things like this out of the bag!
Aph xxAuthor's Response: Merlin I don't even know how to respond to this :,)
I remember when I was younger I used to omit the characters' names in the beginning of my little stories and so I'm glad you appreciated that.
I remember 'tangible abstractedness' used to be 'thin blades', but as the metaphor could be taken literally the one-shot got rejected and so I had to change it, though I'm still not pleased with it. I'll think of something else so it doesn't break with the flow, thanks for pointing it out!
I was really nervous as to the heaviness of it, --it wasn't a light hearted one-shot for once!-- , it makes me feel so happy and relieved that you felt it was right.
Seriously, I don't know what to say. I'm glad you liked it and thank you for saying it! you've made my eyes teary :)
Even if I wrote terribly, I'd never stop doing it. It's just something I really love and need, and thank you again and again! Sorry for responding so late. Report Review
Ahhh! This was so very very very pretty. I was a little dubious when I read your authors note, then it started and I was like PRECAUTIONS AWAY lets ROLL WITH THE IMAGERY.
Me? I love a good metaphor and this was full of me. Not in the sense that it felt like I was drowning in it though, I really liked how you manage to say something so clearly whilst be being so abstract in your language use - that was really really lovely. I like the bird imagery, especially, and the atmosphere you manage to create.
The bits of dialogue were so interesting and haunting and I really enjoyed them. I think that the dialogue was my favourite bits - but that you had a good balance between the dialogue and the prettty descriptions and what not because... yeah, it was just really rather lovely to read.
One thing, the formatting. Every so often there was an extra space between the paragraphs and I found myself a bit distracted trying to work out whether that was intentional or not. Because sometimes it felt it was and sometimes it felt it wasn't. This is probably quite a personal thing, but I prefer the use of page breaks or little * because its more obvious and less distracted.
Anyway, really enjoyed this :D
-ACAuthor's Response: I'm very happy you enjoyed it, and it is truly a great thing to me you saying it was pretty. Does the A/N get people away? I'm relieved you kept reading though.
I was slightly worried it would be hard to understand, hence my A/N, but I'm glad it came out well after all the metaphors and abstractedness and that you liked them. It's always nice people appreciating them.
Were the dialogues really your favorite? Haha, it's quite peculiar since there were like ten lines of it, but I guess you're right about the haunting. I just wanted them to be let hanging in the air while the descriptions kept flowing since they were important memories too.
I think the breaks were intentional but will go check on that.
Hope it didn't get you too distracted, and again, thanks for the review! I feel like I did something good :P
Wow. I'm not even sure how I'm going to review this, because it was just so different from anything else I've ever read.
First, let me just say that it was beautiful to read. The words and sentences all flowed together wonderfully, and though I was a bit confused at parts, I could always tell the mood. Reading this was almost like listening to a song, where you can't quite make out the words but you know what's happening anyway.
I loved the part about time. My favorite sentence was "Time changes you, time burns out lights, time brings new ones." I feel like almost everyone can relate to that sentence; I most certainly could.
The ending was sad, but there was also a hint of happiness in it, at least to me. I felt like Hermione was almost relieved at the end, because she had learned something in her thousand words worth of reflection, and she felt a little closer to Ron, even though he wasn't there anymore.
I definitely enjoyed reading this, and I'll be one the look-out in case you decide to write something else like it. You most certainly have a way with poetry(:Author's Response: Thanks for this awesome review!
I had recently read some one-shots with metaphors, but wanted to go deeper with it, so I'm glad you liked it!
You also have a way with metaphors; like a song? That is great, and I hope I didn't confuse you too much.
Time has been slipping away lately, so I guess some things were also somewhat personal, and it's a great thing you can relate to them too.
I actually felt lighter at the end, and so am happy you got that impression. I don't know if I am ever going to write like this again, but I'll let you now if I do. I'd love to ^^ Report Review
I loved this, it was lovely. This was amazing you have such a beauty and I can't say how much more I loved this, I mean this was just that good, this was so good.
I.I want to say something more.
LizzieAuthor's Response: I don't know what makes me happier, reviews where readers go on and on on all they liked, or where they're just left... would I dare say speechless? I'm really happy you liked this, and thank you for letting me enter your challenge. You don't need to say more! Report Review
Oh my dear Rowling, this was an absolutely beautiful one-shot - wow, wow, and wow some more. Your description skills are lovely, just absolutely breathtaking and words are in your favour for this one-shot. It was so bittersweet and so beautiful at the same time, I really don't know what to say, other than I seriously adored reading this. I love how you played with all the words and the few characters you had, and just how you wrote this in general and just fhjkdsL I can't even begin to decribe it. Fantastic work, so well done :)Author's Response: Merlin it really is warming for you to say all that. I'm really glad you enjoyed the bittersweetness of it all, a one-shot I truly loved writing. Your review is actually breathtaking and it almost gives me happy tears. It is really great you could enjoy it and thank you for the lovely review! Report Review
This story is amazing! It's so complex! The whole story is so hearfelt! I love the metaphors, it works perfectly with the story. Wow, it's so beautiful! I really like the end quote, the perfect way to end a story.
10/10!Author's Response: Aww thanks! I hope it wasn't too confusing. It's been great hearing people appreciating the metaphors, and I hope you enjoyed reading it as I did writing it. I love ending sentences ^^thanks! Report Review
This is lovely, and much better to read this time around. You know how much I enjoyed this, twice is extra nice! B-E-A UTIFUL writing, just like poetry but somehow more fufilling. I cried a little, it was easier to grasp the emotion in this format so it made me sad haha. Author's Response: Hello and thanks for reviewing! And also thank you for being an awesome beta! I'm really happy you liked, and that reading again was also enjoyable. I'm sorry you cried, but I'll take that as a compliment. Really, it is great you caught the emotion :) Report Review
I loved it :)
I liked how you used poetry to describe what Hermione was feeling, it was new and it felt closer to home. There were a lot of metaphors and questions we always ask ourselves that you added in there, which I liked a lot too. I understood what Hermione was feeling and how she was feeling and I truly think it was beautiful, in the least corny way possible. We got to feel Hermione's problems, comprehend what she was going through and what her life had amounted to because of what she had believed in when she was younger. It was marvellous, and it flowed well together. It was comprehensible too, not too cryptic or overly pretentious.
It was nice :)
9/10Author's Response: Hello, thanks for stopping by and glad you liked!
I have always loved writing poetry, and in a way, it is easier to get closer to the reader (or yourself) as it analyses purely feelings and such. It is truly a great thing to hear that you enjoyed this, and that I accomplished doing what I was searching for. This is some part of Hermione we don't see much, and I'm really happy you liked it.
Thank you so much for leaving this review, it made my day and it's nice to know I did well :) Report Review
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