Well, this is ackward... I had forgotten to check my "Review offered" thread and only today did I realise that, hey, people have asked for reviews... almost 6 months ago... Oh well, better late then never I guess, hun?
On to the actual review now shall we? This is an interesting opening chapter. It left me with the desire to know more which is exactly the point of an opening chapter : getting the reader interested and hooked. Sure it's not all that explicit in terms of characters (I'm guessing it is Roxanne?) or actual plot but the writting style is engaging and the details we have peeked my curiosity. Maybe it's because I relate a lot to this feeling of being average... Although she seems a lot less bothered by it than I was back in the days! (don't worry, this has resorbed itself with the years :) )
If you keep on writting this, I will certaintly come back for more; like I said, you have already caught my attention with this so, all in all, great job!
Again, sorry for the delay, I feel horrible :(Author's Response: Don't feel so horrible, haha! Better late than never, dear, is right. ;)
Thank you for all your lovely compliments, they mean so much! I'm having a bit of a tough time with this at the moment, but rest assured that I'll be back to it soon. :D
Thank you so much for reviewing. Report Review
I quite like this piece because, like most of your other pieces, I don't exactly know where you want to go with this (and I must admit, the result of my lack of awareness to the previous/latter events of the Wizarding World could potentially play a large part in helping out the culprit in this matter - WE SHALL FIND HIM. WE SHALL FIND THE DUDE WHO EXTERMINATES ALL POST-AND-PRE-HOGWARTS-Y-DETAILS FROM MY MIND; or maybe... maybe the culprit could be your unpredictable brain cells. Maybe you've bewitched my own cells and used the 'Obliviate' spell to erase what I once knew! HOW DARE YOU PERFORM THIS INDELIBLE CHANGE WITHIN MY VEINS?) and (oh, dear, this sentence has turned out longer than expected) I'm all for surprises (this is a lie) most of the time, so...
I'm joking. /End of ramble/
This was brilliant. I loved it. I love how you've followed through the entire chapter with such consistency, and how Roxanne has this feeling of domination and success within her. I love how you've portrayed her to feel authoritative upon her gaining her Head Girl position and how, through Roxanne's character, you've shown that everybody should hold a little bit of hope inside them, as ridiculous as it may seem.
I love, love, love the repetition in the penultimate(?) paragraph! I have this thing for repetition. HOW DID YOU KNOW? GRHEEHFDG YOU.
"By getting my Head Girl badge, voluntarily keeping to myself, and wanting to be a writer - I was not outstanding in anyway. I was very much average, and that was outstanding enough for me."
I think a lot of writers could relate to this. I like how you've illustrated how, no matter what your potential is or where anybody thinks you stand, you're always good enough for yourself and what you do should be entirely up to you, and completely at your own standards.
This excerpt flows really well, particularly because you've sort of foreshadowed what's coming up at the end of this chapter, which is brilliant. I love how you've done this.
This was almost spotless! I only picked out a few areas where a comma would probably fit in, but I'm sure that once you read it through again, you'll see what I mean.
---> "I have leaded a relatively ordinary life..." - 'Leaded' should be 'lead'.
---> "...I was not outstanding in anyway." - 'Anyway' is an alternative term for 'regardless' or 'in spite of', so maybe 'any way' might work better.
AND THAT IS ALL. A GRAND TOTAL OF TWO [AND THEY ONLY LOOK LIKE HUMAN (don't hurt me for this reference) TYPOS]! THAT'S HOW BRILLIANT YOU ARE. You are brilliant. I admire you.
*Takes this piece and hugs it, refusing to ever let go*Author's Response: I have no idea where this is going either (':
weyl... i know some bits and i sort of know the end bit but i havent /planned/ anything *gasp*
and that's my favourite out of the whole writing process. the /planning/.
Thank you - its obvious to anyone that I purposely made this relateable because everyone likes to read a story about a writer especially when the people reading are writers too and can therefore /connect/ especially with the main character. I have lots of /disconnected/ characters from the audience so i thought i'd go full out and just go like that meme 'NOW KISS'.
FANKSZ for the CC which I will put into effect~
*awkward heart shape and ting*
Hannah xxx Report Review
Hello there! This is HappyMollyWeasley here with your long time delayed review...
This is an amazing first chapter, which promises a lot... I guess you have a great plan for this story?
I recognize that feeling of being too average... I remember writing a poem on that theme in my late teens... Somehow it doesn't bother me anymore that I'm only average. :-)
This chapter doesn't tell very much about what the story will be about, but it is an very interesting start. It shows that you're a talented writer too! I'm impressed!Author's Response: Your delayed review was nothing on my deleyed response which I'm so sorry about!
Its kind of weird because although i have some of this planned out i don't have a clue of where it could go all so a new venture for me!
Thank you so much for your lovely compliments and really this was made for all your inner author feels hahah
BAH, this was lovely. I mean, like, really lovely. In that sort of lovely way where I want to steal all your talent and run away with it and eat it with my breakfast. Lovely.
The voice throughout is just... Wow. Stories that focus on first-person perspective need to have a strong voice or their paragraphs fall short, and the readers aren't necessarily invested in the characters. But your Roxanne is (can I say it again?) lovely. She speaks so strongly and fluidly, and I think a key part of her voice is simply her relate-ability (which I don't think is actually a word. Or maybe it is. Either way, you get my point). I think every single writer can relate to her sentiments of wanting to write something good, something unique, but sometimes (or maybe most of the time) not being able to.
And I dunno why, but this line was my absolute favorite: "They’re not soft, sweet, soothing, chilling or heartbreaking to the point that you whole-heartedly wish for a couple to get together or for the only faithful creature that person ever had not to cross the busy road." I think it has something to do with the way it flows; the words simply... melt in your mouth. If that makes any sort of sense.
Anyway, lovely (again!) job. I love the fluidity through the paragraphs and your flow is swoon-worthy. And, like I said, your Roxanne is a living, breathing person, which is perfect.
RinAuthor's Response: Rin ^^
YOU'RE LOVELY FOR SAYING ALL THE LOVELY THINGS. Its all so...lovely. :P
Yes, I've been faffing about with this idea for ages and I finally decided to sit down and just do it all, and this is where it lead. I had a completely different idea to where this would go, but it seems like Roxanne's too strong of a character to tie down. :P
Ee, I worked on that line for ages because it started as so horribly /awkward/ and I'm so glad that you liked it enough and now I can not worry about it!
You were very lovely throughout this review, so lots of squishes to you.
Hanzi xxx Report Review
Well this is a pretty outstanding first chapter to read, if I'm honest.
Though short and uninformative of the plot, the emotion and the subtle introduction of Roxanne was absolutely wonderful.
Not only does she seem astonishingly real, but also astonishingly relatable.
"I want to be the writer who thinks of the brilliant plotlines and executes them perfectly in a delicate way rather than always being the reader who wished they could have thought of those spectacular stories. and "I feel very bold talking, and almost complaining, about my writing. I talk as if I'm out in the world and by myself. This isn't the case, because I'm still in school, I am still learning and I still have many opportunities under my belt."
Just wow. I think you summed up the wishes and thoughts of every single writer on here. (Well, at least for me!)
I really look forward to seeing where this takes you, and also to reading a "quiet" Roxanne. I've only glanced at some summaries that focus on her as a main character, but those I have done represent her as quite a fiery, extroverted character. Yours will be a nice change. :)
The only criticism is that a few of the sentences seem to run onto each other - I think I'd suggest read aloud. It often helps me, and where you take a breath, put in a comma. For example:
"I have come to see that even when you plan your life accordingly and you stick to the plan as much as you possibly can[,] other factors will deter you as much as possible."
"...and then sheltering myself after it was out of my parents' control[,] it has not affected me greatly."
But those are mere suggestions that you can ignore at will. ;)
The only mistake I saw was "I have leaded a...", and I think you may have meant to put 'led'. Other than that, though, it was grammatically and spelling-wise perfect, and a lovely first chapter to read.
I look forward to seeing where this takes you!
Bethan. xxx Report Review
I’ve always wanted to write something beautiful. I wanted to write something that would, not only humble other people in their harsh opinions, but do the same for me too. I wanted to affect myself as much as other people. I wanted to wow myself and not believe that I had made something so brilliant and fantastic.
Are you actually just me? Arhghajdpk. This is just me all over, you know and I'm just sort of like... feeling quite self-reflective.
Jodjapojda. Hanzi, you're in my /mind/ damn you. It's not fair. This is largely how I feel about writing. There's just so much I want to do when I write and it just... it just doesn't come out properly because I get caught up in stupid things that I don't care about, even though writing /is/ the most important thing to me... you know? Well, you've written this, so I'm guess you do.
(I love the title so much. It's so shiny).
Holy shizzle, Hanzi. The more I read the more I think this is just written about me.
Homgoossshh. You are. She is me. Ahoajdoajfa.
This is the story you were telling me about right?
Well I'm woefully excited about it now and you better get on and write some more soon, because this was beautiful, poignant and so very very true.
Thank you for writing about all my FEELS.
Love you.Author's Response: Helen! Don't be so silly! Have you, like, read Break Me? Or Watering Petunias? Or Abstract Nouns? Or Into the Woods? Self-portrait in Crimson? AFTER THE STORM? HAVE YOU READ ANY OF IT!?!1
Psh. Helen. You have nothing to worry about, my dear, but you will do so anyway and not listen to me (even though you should).
This is indeeed the story I was telling you about - and the one that didn't make it to the Writers' Duel, but expanded.
THIS IS ABOUT EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND JUST INNER FEELS. This is going to turn into a very weird version of cross me x you x molly, in abstract nouns and YES. I'm so excited for it again and I'm writing chapters and WE.
ALL THE FEELS FOR YOU.
XXX Report Review
I thought you did a really nice job with this. It was something that made you think right from the get go. I wonder if all of us here feel the exact same way as the character does from time to time. Minus Head Girl status though.
I thought it flowed well and the pace was smooth and balanced. The description of the characters feelings were well done.
I did see one sentence that was confusing and I have it listed below here...
"I have leaded a relatively ordinary life considering the fact that my family is well-known in the Wizarding World."
The begining doesn't make sense even when read out loud. I am not sure if you meant "I have been leading a relatively..." or "I have lead a relatively..."
All in all, I thought you did a great job being the first chapter. I am interested to see what else you're going to do with the story line.
Keep up the great work! =)
Recenseo 2012Author's Response: Hi! I'm sooo sorry that this was a late reply - there's no excuse for it!
I've had this plunny in mind for ages and suddenly I decided to write it and this is what I've come up with! So, I think it was really important to have a fic that people would relate to a lot more - especially because I already have a fic up that a lot of people wouldn't relate to!
That dreadful 'leaded' - I'll make sure to give it a stern talking to and change its tense. It just slipped under me! :P
Thanks so much for reviewing - your compliments have been so encouraging!
xxx Report Review
Mirasoul here from the forums!
I'm intrigued by this story. I can't comment on the storyline as there hasn't been one yet, but just the fact alone that Roxanne is quiet and soft-spoken makes me want to know where you're going to take this little plot bunny of yours. Roxanne in most fics is this ball of fire and energy, so I'm interested to see your portrayal of her.
You writing style is phenomenal, in my opinion. I feel as if I'm at a sleepover with Roxanne and we're having a deep, meaningful talk at three in the morning. You know, one of those talks! The voice you use is personal yet insightful, and makes me want to know what's on Roxanne's mind. You've also got brilliant anaphora in the third-to-last paragraph. :D
I don't have very many negatives; really, the only thing that stuck out to me was your use of "leaded" rather than "led" in your fourth-to-last paragraph. Other than that, as this is only the beginning of your story and there hasn't been much development, I can't find much wrong.
~MirasoulAuthor's Response: Hi! Thanks for taking the time to review this, and I'm sorry my response is so late!
Thank you so much for your compliments and argh! the dreaded 'leaded' that slipped through the woodwork. I'll make sure to edit that soon enough as I need to go over the whole chapter soon. :)
I'm glad that you liked this enough and that you thought this was personal (because it is a personal topic amongst many authors everywhere) enough to make you feel like Roxanne was connected to you!
I won't lie - I had to look up what anaphora meant and it seems like my repetition of certain words is always much appreciated and I'm glad I didn't disappoint!
xxx Report Review
I thought this was an interesting piece in that it was a reflection of how a lot of writers on this site probably feel. Moreover, if it wasn't for the fact that there were some Weasley and magic things involved, it could have easily been an original work. I dont know if that's to your benefit but it is interesting.
There were several areas where a comma would have been useful in clearing up sentence confusion. Its difficult sometimes when you're writing long monologues to get everything right but still important to note.
It was an interesting beginning and didn't sound like a parody at all. Feel free to request future chaptersAuthor's Response: Thank you for your compliments, they're all so lovely. :)
I'll make sure to go back and read over the chapter (I've been meaning to do so for ages now) and improve on the sentence structure in general!
Its definitely helpful to know that this is something I could potentially convert into an OF considering I have so many plunnies for them right now and I can already think of a few where this would fit in! So, thank you for that.
xxx Report Review
This was only the very first chapter of the story, and yet I was hooked already - a very, very good thing. I have seen Roxanne pop up a lot more in stories nowadays, but none are such striking as this one. I guess it's because that she reminds me so much of myself that she sticks in my head. I also loved the fact that she twisted average and outstanding and made them oxymorons, is she a Ravenclaw? She sure sounds like one!
The only thing that disappointed me at all was the fact that this was short, but since this was an introductory chapter and I sort of do it myself, I'll let it slide, also for the fact that for something only a little over 800 words, it is really very good.
I adored your use of metaphors, like the leap-and-break-your-bones-instead-of-landing-on-your-feet one, that one is really my favourite, though the others are very clever, too. The fact that Roxanne wants to be a writer is a clever use of irony, since she is starring in a story, a wonderfully well-written story, already.
I really don't have anything criticising to say, this was done so well and that was good enough for me, to be honest, so bravo, and job well done!
- LinnAuthor's Response: Firstly, I have to apologise for getting to this review so late and, secondly, I'm so sorry I hadn't gotten to your review from ages ago! I've done it now though so hopefully I'm all forgiven. :P
I'm glad you liked this so much, though, because this idea has been in my head for ages and I was so nervous to write it out fully and then end up disappointing.
Roxanne, I think, as a character is going to be the person who's going to relate to almost every writer on here, because if you don't write to tell your story and to improve - then what do you write for?
The thing with Roxanne's house is that...I had such a hard time trying to place her I ended up picking one that would encourage the sort of behaviour she has in this chapter. So you'll have to wait for that answer in the next chapter. :P
Haha, I have a horrible penchant for prologues that are quite short so that was unfortunate on your part, but the chapters do get longer!
Thanks so much for all your lovely compliments - they meant the world to me!
xxx Report Review
Great start! First off I have to say that Roxanne is so very relatable in this. I think especially so on a site full of writers. I'm pretty sure most writers will have felt the way she feels at some point.
I love that she says she's lead a sheltered life and then continued to shelter herself. I think that would be very likely to happen, being raised in a famous family and I totally get what she means by being afraid to take the leap. I also love that she takes pride in being ordinary, saying that it's outstanding to her. She seems like a great character and I can't wait to read more.
One thing I did notice was that you wrote "I have leaded" when it should be "I have led."
Other than that little thing that popped out at me, I really enjoyed reading this :DAuthor's Response: Hiya!
Thanks so much for reading and reviewing!
& yes, I thought it was important to have the first chapter as the most relateable considering that is in Roxanne's character to be, she's just far too shy to talk to anyone out of her comfort zone!
Roxanne's based on myself a considerable amount and I was worried whether it wouldn't quite make as much sense, but I'm glad you thought so! And I also think that she's old enough not to think about other people's perceptions so much so in that way she's comfortable with her personality and being the way she is. Its a different POV I thought I'd try. :)
Ah, yes! Thanks so much for pointing that out to me - I'll make sure to edit that straight away!
Thanks again you've been wonderful xx Report Review
Hi, here with your requested review
Alright so I really liked this chapter as an intro.
Your characterization of Roxanne was perfect. She is the booky writer type and I think you displayed this quite well specifically in her diction. Her vocabulary (and subsequently your vocabulary) was very good specifically with the use of certain words like ethereal which I just looked up after reading this.
I also liked how relateable Roxanne was. I bet everyone writing fanfiction could relate with her dream of becomming a famous writer, but feeling that they can never come up with the perfect plot. I know I've certainly come across this dillema while writting my own origional fiction.
Something you could work on: commas. Your comma usage could get better as I noticed several places that could use them. Specifically:
"part of my life and then sheltering myself" comma after "life" and before "and"
"no matter your personality a Weasley," comma goes after "personallity" and before "a".
"At the moment I need to stick to" comma after "moment" before "I."
Also you capitalized First Year in the fourth paragraph from the bottom. I'm not positive but it might have to be in lower case letters (You might want to check that with someone).
Anyway this set you up perfectly for later chapters, and you leave your reader wanting to continue.
-BW24Author's Response: Ah! Thanks so much for your lovely comments and all the critique - I've edited all of them in now. :)
I thought that Roxanne would be relateable to a lot of people, because as a writer on a fanfiction site everyone is bound to feel the same at some point or another and I thought it would be important for someone of her character to point that out to everyone. :)
On the capitalization... well, I've always capitalised it since I was 7, ahah.
Thank you again for reading!x Report Review
Sorry I was too last to log on, first off.
Second, wow! This was not at all what I expected! I really loved it!
The message--or theme, whatever term you prefer-- was simply wonderful, and it left the reader to take out of it what they will.
It was short, sweet, and too the point. I think it was such a unique piece; I've never written anything quite like it!
I loved how you wrote this. They style behind it. The feeling behind it! Now I may be crazy--no doubt--but I'm..not sensing, but I feel as though there is some serious emotion and belief that you personally, as an author, put into it.
I'm really quite impressed! It gave me a new way to look at things.
Altogether, I loved(to the exponent of a bajillion) this! Keep up the wonderful work!
EverAuthor's Response: Hello!
Thanks for all your lovely compliments! I'm glad that you liked the style and the whole theme of this. :)
Its going to remain (hopefully) throughout the rest of the story.
And, you're quite right that I put a lot of myself into this and thought it was quite relateable to some people at some point in their lives and I thought it was important to Roxanne to mention it. :)
Thanks so much for reading xxx Report Review
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