Hey! I'm here to review your challenge submission - sorry about the slight delay. :)
You had a really interesting take on the prompt. I know that you were a bit worried about it being too far away from the challenge, but I didn't think it was at all - it was an original take on what a Healer might have to deal with and overcome in their job. That's a good thing, not a bad thing. ;)
I liked the concept a lot - being a Healer when someone you love is seriously injured would be hard, but when someone you love is permanently incapacitated like Albus is, it would be even worse. You really communicated Lily's difficulty and anguish over the situation, and it was absolutely heartbreaking.
The only significant weakness I saw in this was that sometimes, I had a hard time following what exactly was going on. A little more detail and description in your narrative would have helped me a lot. As it was, the flashbacks sometimes felt a bit awkward, because you weren't immediately connecting it to her feelings - I could see how the conversation between her and Albus about her fight with James could apply, for example, but you didn't really provide any transition - it was just hanging there. Just a few sentences linking it with what was going on would have made the story flow more smoothly. (Ditto the other flashbacks.)
On the whole, though, this was a really nice entry. :) Thanks for entering, and I'll have the results up soon!Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review and this wonderful challenge!
This was my first challenge submission and it was super fun. I also learned a lot which is great so thank you thank you thank you!
I'm glad that the concept wasn't too far away from the challenge :) I also understand what you mean about the flashbacks. They are a bit too disconnected and I'll try to fix that. Your advice on that was really helpful.
Thanks again! Report Review
That was a solemn, heart wrenching work of art. Truly a privelage to read.Author's Response: Thank you so so much! That is extraordinarily nice of you to say :)
Thank you for reading and reviewing! Report Review
Hi there! I'm here with your requested review :)
I really loved this story for several reasons. First off, I think it explores magic in a way that we really didn't in the canon series, in terms of how it can be used in desperate situations. In that sense, I think you did a nice job of transforming spells we know into remedies similar to those in the Muggle world. I thought of Albus's condition as being a lot like a very aggressive cancer -- you can blast it with chemotherapy again and again, but there are some people who still die from cancer, if it's just too tough. At a certain point, you're just putting a band-aid on the wound. I also thought you did a really lovely job with characterization, because I often read next-gen fics where the Potter siblings are picking on each other and having fun, and in this one it seemed much more serious. I could really tell that the three of them have a very close bond, and I think the line "we look out for each other" really explains my feelings on the family.
Most of my nit-picks here are typos and spelling errors, so I'll just list them here for you, since I really didn't find very many. "Emitted" should be "admitted" and "heals" should be "heels". You also have a couple of typos in the section where Albus's body is found: "parent's" should be "parents'" (with the apostrophe after the s) and you wrote "a" where it should have been "and" ("go and look for him"). Otherwise, I think this looks fine technically, except that it could use some more commas in certain places to break up long sentences or separate adjectives. You can always get a Quick Beta to help you with that if you want to.
Finally, I just wanted to comment on the style of the piece. While I agree that it would be nice to fix the formatting here if possible, I really like the way you've got the official chart information and the memories scattered throughout the main storyline. I think you did well with helping readers tell which part is which, and it made it seem like Lily was recalling these things as she went about caring for Albus, and it just had a really powerful effect for me. I thought I'd mention it, because I know some people don't like that style, but for me it makes this story really unique and brings out the emotion.
Lovely job! I hope this review is helpful :)
Recenseo 2012Author's Response: Thank you so so so much for the extremely lovely review!
I really wanted to explore a darker part of the magical world that is relatable to ours. I'm glad you thought of Albus's condition like a cancer because I tried really hard to make it feel like a serious terminal illness.
I felt like the Potter siblings would have a really closely knit family and a more mature relationship, and I'm glad it came off that way.
Thank you so much for pointing out the typos! I always miss little things like that. A beta also seems like a good idea :)
Thank you so much for the praise and critique! It was super super super helpful!
This was amazing.I cried.I wish Albus could have got better. But I know in life sometimes people don't get better and you captured Lily's desperation perfectly in this piece. Great Writing 10/10Author's Response: Oh, thank you!
I'm sorry I made you cry! Although I do appreciate every tear :)
I don't really know why I decided to write something so sad. I guess with final exams coming up I was just in one of those moods...
I'm glad that you thought the emotions were believable. I tried to make the situation as real as possible (despite the magical elements)
Thanks you so much for the wonderful review! Report Review
What an emotionally charged story, I loved it. The pace was fast but it felt right. I thought they way you included a past memory and made it relevant to the present time. I felt so sorry for Lily. She has to let someone go and I think that's something most people in the world can relate to. A very enjoyable read well done, cazvalleygirl :)Author's Response: Thank you! Description isn't really my strong suit so I'm glad you don't think the pacing was too fast. I've never really written anything this emotionally intense before so it's good to hear that I did alright with it!
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! Reviews always make me feel so warm and fuzzy inside :) Report Review
Hi! magnolia_magic here with your review! Sorry I'm running a little behind...but then again, I'm always running a little behind :/ But anyway, I really enjoyed this! It's very well done, and a definite tear-jerker.
You mentioned flow as an area of concern, and I really think you've done a great job in that area. The events of the story flow well, and I especially like the italicized flashbacks interspersed in the narrative. You pulled that off really well: it takes us back without interrupting what's going on in the foreground, and it's an effortless read.
Speaking of those flashbacks, those were some of my favorite parts of this. Especially the little moments between Lily and Albus...those parts just bring a whole new level of emotion to the story. After seeing the kind of brother Albus was before the attack, it made his current condition even more heartbreaking.
I did notice a few confusing spots, but don't worry, they're really small and can be easily fixed! First of all, a formatting issue: the spacing between your paragraphs is sort of wide, and not always even. I'm pretty sure there's a way to take care of that...I don't know offhand, but there's bound to be someone on the forums who does :)
At the very beginning, the introduction of Errapel threw me off a bit...using the full name of the hospital makes that part a little wordy. Since you mention the Janus Thickey ward later on, I'd suggest taking that part out of this line to make it a little more concise.
And one more little thing: when you say "emmited" into the hospital, you mean "admitted" :)
Aside from those things, I think the whole thing flows gracefully. And the idea is so creative! I've never seen a story like this, and you've done a wonderful job with it. The nature of Albus's condition is explained very well, and I can feel just how painful it is for him and his siblings.
That's another huge strength of this story...you do such a great job of showing us the character's emotions without getting bogged down by description. Forn instance, I really felt Lily's protectiveness of her brother and her desperation to hold onto him. But instead of simply describing her feelings, you showed them through her dialogue and her actions, which is just fantastic! It makes Lily seem very real and relatable as a character :)
The last scene! It just made me want to cry, it was so gorgeous! I love the connection between the past and the present, and the bird metaphor. It ends the story on a hopeful note, and I just love it :)
Thanks so much for requesting this! I loved reading it, and I think you've done a fantastic job! Keep up the great work, and feel free to PM me if you have any queestions :)
--MaggieAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! I'm glad you think the memories don't interrupt the flow of the story! I added them as an afterthought when my mind became pregnant with a very sudden and huge brain child :)
Your critiques were extremely helpful, and I'll be edit as soon as possible! Thanks for all the help and the wonderful review. This had me smiling from ear to ear :) Report Review
This isn't my type of story and its very hard to read due to having no paragraphs or formal layout. I suggest editing this to make it readable as right now I think it isn't, part from that good plot. Same this is a one-shot too.Author's Response: Sorry about the formatting! This site has weird defaults that makes my computer go all wonky.
Thanks for reading and reviewing even though this isn't the type of story you enjoy. I really appreciate the effort Report Review
This was a wonderful story of family love that showed quite plainly the strong bond that Lily has with Albus and other members of her family.
I could not help but smile when you mentioned Edinburgh as the location for Albus to be transferred to. I myself live in Scotland.
Yes, you've done a wonderful job with this story, it's well written.
10/10.Author's Response: Oh, thank you!
I have to say, when I read this review I lit up like a veela covered in christmas lights :)
I for one live in the U.S., but Scotland is on my list for the top ten places I want to visit in my lifetime. Thank you so much for the wonderful review! Report Review
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