Reading Reviews for Kingdom Come
11 Reviews Found

Review #1, by TidalDragon Hellfire

22nd August 2014:
Howdy! Dropping by to fill your review request (which upon reading appears to be only for this chapter? I hope I got that right...)!

At any rate, the premise is certainly interesting in theory. If I encounter an AU, I generally give the author a wide berth, but I suppose on the macro level, the only caution I would give re: believability is to be VERY careful with the transition from James/Lily to James/Narcissa. I think even in an AU, you're going to need a lot of very careful development to make that realistic (especially depending on the time frame you choose for the story). You're going to be in a really difficult place in that regard if we're at the point in canon where James and Lily are already together because based on the timeline we know of, they have a fairly whirlwind romance (start dating sometime in 7th year and marry shortly after graduation - presumably summer/fall 1978 - though "shortly" is certainly quite open to interpretation).

As far as the mechanics of the writing so far, one thing I'd look at is word choice. Picking one example, you wrote: "He knew that the commitment they were making was nothing of light magnitude; he wished to make sure that his followers were ready to fully commit." The first thing that is noteworthy here is that you use different forms of the same word in the same sentence - commitment vs. commit - which is one of my storytelling no-nos if we're talking about the written form. The sentence structure also seems overly complicated, but that's more of a stylistic preference.

On the whole, I think you want to inject more detail into descriptions and supplement what you have with stronger, more evocative language that draws the reader into the scene more heavily and helps them FEEL what Narcissa is feeling, as that will be crucial going forward to both characterization and believability of the plot.

What works well here? I think the pace you used in the scene where Narcissa is trapped in the fire was a particular highlight. Many authors might get tricked into bogging themselves down and drilling into this situation in much more detail. You avoided that, and I think it was the right choice because it helps us share the experience more like Narcissa would have lived it. Life and death crises like that happen quickly, not slowly. Not every detail is noticed and emotion heavily-felt or even remembered. Well done there.

As far as your last two questions, I think I'd have to read more to truly answer them. This chapter laid out part of what you discussed in your summary (the trauma and Lily connections), but I think I would need to see more development to discuss anything in terms of "jumpstarting" it or drawing more interest.

Hope the review was helpful! Feel free to PM if you have any questions!

Author's Response: Thank you so much!!! I really appreciate your feedback. I can't tell you how helpful this is. Truly. I got this idea when I took a challenge over on the forums, but I struggled with the believability. That's my biggest struggle. So this really helps. Thank you so much for the review!!

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Review #2, by simplelullaby Hellfire

20th August 2014:
Hey, it's simplelullaby from the forums here with your review! Wow, what an exhilarating first chapter. I have to say when I read your story summary I was a little apprehensive - I'm a James/Lily shipper - but I can't wait to see where you take this. I don't delve into the AU world often, but this looks like it's going to be one of the good ones.


I noticed some minor points of repetition within the fic. One was where you described Narcissa running at a "dead sprint" within paragraphs of each other. I think it only stood out because it's such a cool phrase. Other than that you were technically perfect!


Your version of Narcissa is very unique, but I also think it's pretty believable. I've always thought that Narcissa married Lucius because it was expected of her and not because she wanted to. I can totally see her running off in the other direction. You've created a very interesting family dynamic here, with Narcissa feeling like she's almost the worst daughter despite Andromeda being blasted from the family tree. You portray her as very young, and not quite a part of the family she was born into. As I said above, I can totally see her in another life running off away instead of marrying Lucius and having Draco. If I could wish for anything more concerning Narcissa solely, I think you could've done with adding a little more physical description at the beginning. But yes, I really liked her and can't wait to see where you take her.

Now to your minor characters. Druella is sufficiently horrid, I liked the little details you added, like her long finger poking into Narcissa's back and the like. Bellatrix's description was pretty great as well - I liked that you kind of made her sound like a child - waiting at the door impatient to get to the "party," and then completely flipped that on its head by making her burn an entire manor down, with a muggle and her sister inside. It was very poignant, and really made it hit home how differently you portrayed the sisters from one another.


I really like this as an opener. You do well to introduce Narcissa and all of her doubts quickly so that when the time comes for her to run away we readers understand exactly why she's doing what she's doing. Your transitions were very smooth, the entire chapter flowed well, bar two points. The point where Narcissa is at the party, and speaking to Lucius and watching the other Death Eaters, I felt you could have lingered there a little more, maybe she could catch a glimpse of Lord Voldemort and that's what makes her escape to the bathroom? The other point was in the bathroom. It was hard to believe that the smoke didn't seep into the bathroom. Maybe change it around so that she leaves the bathroom because she smells smoke. On other thing, quite small, but during the fire scene I kept waiting for Narcissa to try and cast a few spells. She grew up in an all-magical household - her first thought would be to blast the door open and trying a few unsticking charms, and then only in her desperation would she resort to trying to bash it open with her shoulders and feet. Also, Aguamenti? I think someone in such a perilous situation would be desperate enough to try putting the fire out with water charms. Of course her throwing the lamp because it's the only think near and/or she's panicking far too much to be able to remember spells (but at the same time she's all magical so magical means would come first, it's a very tricky situation.) Maybe she could have left her wand in her jacket pocket? But that would been it gets burned to a crisp in the fire. I don't know, quite a few options there! But overall, I really loved the plot, as an introduction it works very very well. I do have a special place in my heart for cliffhangers, and yours was very good.


Oh my goodness your setting, and your description in general was magnificent! I could totally see myself where Narcissa was. You kept it consistent from the start where you used the mirror as a focal point to reflect Narcissa's feelings, to the fire scene where the description was beyond belief and completely fantastic. Just brilliant!


A brilliant introduction to what seems is going to be a very interesting fic. You're definitely off to a great start here!

Your AoC: In answer to your question, yes I do think it's very believable. As I said above you've made Narcissa into a certain type of person, and I for one believe that once crawling out of a burning building she wouldn't run back to the people who'd left her in there, and instead use it as a moment to fake her own death of a fashion and leave her old life behind. Apart from the points I mentioned, the flow is brilliant.

So there you have it. Feel free to rerequest for the next chapters, and hope this review was helpful!

Keep Writing,


Author's Response: Oh. My. Goodness.

Thank you so, so, so, so much, Aimee, for what's probably the best review I have ever received. I cannot tell you how incredibly helpful this is. Thank you so much for tackling areas that I hadn't even thought of and that no one else has commented on.

I'm glad you had good things to say about most things. As for the plot with Narcissa in the house, oh my goodness. This is embarrassing to admit, but I actually didn't even think about the magic aspect. Seriously, I don't know what it is, but I forget these people are wizards half the time. Hahahaha. So thank you, thank you! That was so helpful and I really should go through this and add that in there.

I will also consider everything you have said. I'm in the process of reworking the chapter, so I will consider all your helpful comments while I do that.

Thank you SO much! I will definitely be back to request chapter 2 at some point!

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Review #3, by Gabriella Hunter The Dilemma.

15th August 2014:

This is Gabbie from the forums dumping this review on you and everything! I'm sorry that I'm a bit late but I've got this weird cold and it won't go away, its actually mating with my allergies so needless to say, I'm kind of not feeling too hot. Hahahah.

Anyhoo, on to this! I was really worried about Narcissa in the previous chapter and I liked that you switched the POV to Lily's so we could get a clear idea of what she thought of the situation. It was obvious that she was conflicted about bringing Narcissa with her but I think that her heart was too big and she just gave in to what was right. I couldn't imagine Lily just leaving her in the woods like that but I don't think that she was truly certain that she had done the right thing until Narcissa told her what had happened. I just got the shivers from reading that section, it was horrible to think that she had been in that house and nearly died.

I have never written Lily before and half the characters that you have in this chapter alone are ones that I steer clear from. Hahaha. I think that you wrote them all very well, though and I'm going to applaud you for how you wrote Dumbledore, I found him to be really difficult to grasp but you've done a good job here. I was able to picture him very clearly.

Now, Sirius and James's friendship was something that I also liked and the obvious tension that was brought into the Order by having Narcissa there just made it all the more powerful. I wasn't surprised by Mad Eye's opinion either, I feel like since he was the most experienced, he would know more about Death Eater tactics than the others. I agree that leaving her would have been inhumane though and that ending had me wondering what might happen later on. Will Narcissa be brave enough to work with the Order and really turn her back on her family? I'm really eager to read on!

I think that your pacing was good, the characters were fleshed out nicely and no major CC's so good job!

Much love,


Author's Response: Ahh, you are so wonderful! Thank you again for the marvelous review. You really are helping me immensely. I've been so concerned about how the events have being going and with the characterization of people. Narcissa and Dumbledore in particular. So thank you so much.

You really are a great reviewer and such a great help! I'll have to request the next chapter after I've given some other authors the chance to take your spots. ;)

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Review #4, by Gabriella Hunter Hellfire

12th August 2014:

Its Gabbie from the forums with your review and I'm sorry that it took a minute to get to you! D':

You seemed really happy to finally find someone who liked AU and I'm glad that you requested this story for me to read. I really enjoy that genre and I think it sort of gets pushed aside sometimes but I think that creating another universe within a universe is very interesting! I think its pretty bold as well to take HP characters and put them in positions that you normally wouldn't see them in.

Anyway, Narcissa! I'll have to be honest when I say that I don't read many stories featuring her as the main characters. There have been a few where she's depicted as being rather cold and snooty but I love your approach here, she feels like a real woman with insecurities and fears. That makes her have so much more depth and the conflict that she has with her family just sprang out to me really well. I think that her need to impress her family is what I found the most intriguing, I had never thought of this angle for her before and I think you wrote it very well. A child wants to do all that they can to make their parents happy and you pose the most daunting question; What if its not the right thing?

I was tense while reading about Bella's task as well and even though you didn't have him speaking, Voldemort gave me the chills. Narcissa's fear of him was so clear that I didn't need him to even be in the scene for long to get that sense of dread, so good job! Now, I felt so horrible for her when her parents and the others just LEFT her in the burning manor! Seriously? Did they do it on purpose? And that poor Muggle man! How horrible. I wish that Narcissa had been able to save him but she probably would have died too if she had but I know that's going to weigh on her for a while.

The ending had me really eager to read more too, Lily Evans and Narcissa? Interesting mix! I can't wait to see what you do with them and I hope you re-request!

I liked the plot, the flow is good and your characters seem very well thought out so no major CCC's!

Much love,


Author's Response: Ahhh! Thank you so much, Gabbie@!! Your review was seriously so helpful and so insightful. I honestly don't think I had ever really read a story about Narcissa on the site before I started writing it, so I really felt like I was winging it with her, so I'm glad you feel as if I did justice in that area. I was pretty concerned. Thank you for all you had to say. It really helped me, and I'll definitely keep all those things in mind as I move forward with the story! Really, thanks again for the review, and I'll definitely have to come back and request future chapters! :) Thanks!

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Review #5, by wenlock The Switch

21st July 2014:
This is a really unique idea. I like it. I will definitely keep reading this story. One thing I worry about for you, the bane of all Marauder Era fics - the Peter issue. I know he's hard to write because I'm writing a Marauder Era right now too. But you are obviously a skilled writer, so he should at least make an appearance, or he should have a reason for not being there.
Anyways, keep up the good work. Your story has such an interesting, unique dynamic. I look forward to reading more.

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Review #6, by crestwood The Parting of the Ways

25th June 2014:
This could've gone so wrong with even just the smallest misstep. It's a really hard premise to try to write. I mean Narcissa and Lily impersonating each other for who knows how long, really? It all seems impossible.

But, with that said, you totally pulled it off. You've got me on my toes with every little reveal. Everyone seems to know the risks, but it doesn't seem out of character for them to give it a try at all. I can't wait to read on and find out what becomes of everyone! Thank you for your request, I really enjoyed reading :)

Author's Response: Great! Thank you! Your review had me worried at first, but then that second paragraph turned everything around! :D I'm glad you think that I can pull it off well enough. That was really my main concern. Thanks so much again! I wasn't expecting all three reviews, so that was a huge bonus! Thanks again!

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Review #7, by crestwood The Dilemma.

25th June 2014:
This chapter was so intriguing because the reactions were so varied. It would have been very unrealistic to portray everyone as completely ready to accept Narcissa into the Order, so I'm very glad you didn't go that route. Lily and Dumbledore were very in character, and I would have expected them to be all for helping the weak. And, of course, Mad Eye would be suspicious and untrusting, as is his nature. Although it is AU and kind of brand new to me, it isn't quite so far out there as to be outside the realm of believability in my opinion. I'm interested in whether they will force her to infiltrate her family, even knowing that she would not be great at keeping the secret hidden. I guess I'll just have to read on to find out!

Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you would have found that unrealistic. I know that would have definitely been the easier route, but I knew I couldn't just cop out because it was easy! Thank you very much for your input!

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Review #8, by crestwood Hellfire

25th June 2014:
Hey! Crestwood here with your requested review :)

You asked if the story is believable and I can assure you that, here in the early goings, it's very much so. Narcissa being characterized as kind of creeped out by the whole Death Eater business doesn't seem too far off to me, as she never seemed quite as enthralled with Voldemort's aims as everyone else even in the cannon novels.

I am interested to see how you'll approach her running into Lily and "taking her place" as you said. I suppose that'll be the true make or break moment. I can't wait!

Author's Response: Ah, thank you! What a turn around time! Thank you so much. I'm glad to see that you don't see this as too far-fetched or anything. I'm glad this seemed to catch your attention too. Really, thank you so much for your time and your thoughts! It's definitely very very appreciated!

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Review #9, by ArtyBird The Dilemma.

27th December 2012:
Awwwsome !!! I really enjoy this story: always liked the character of Narcissa (so much more than the eye can see)... The way you portrayed Lucius Malfoy also fits the facts- but I do wonder if N&L will end up together if N does integrate the Order of the Phoenix... Maybe you don't intend them to end up together (personnaly, I don't think I would like something as creepy as a Narcissa and Lupin pairing- Draco must live on !!!). Anyway, love the idea, acknowlege the effort, admire the editing and enjoy the characters. Please UPDATE soon !!! And Good luck ! ‎​‎​♡

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Review #10, by academica Hellfire

18th July 2012:
Hey Drue! I'm here as promised for our exchange :)

I really love the concept here, as I mentioned before, and now that I see that you've based it on the Prince(ss) and the Pauper, it totally makes sense! I thought the whole chapter flowed really well, and I loved the description, especially the way we were able to observe Bella's initiation through the eyes of her terrified, victimized younger sister. I can definitely see the reasons for Narcissa's feeling that she doesn't belong in her family, and I could also see her devotion through your attention to detail, like the way she gripped the mirror frame so hard as her mother laced her into her dress.

I love your characterization of Narcissa - she seems so unsure of this entire endeavor, so uncomfortable, but then she keeps coming back to needing to impress her family and at least act like the young pureblood woman she's supposed to be. I think she's a fascinating character, and I love writing her, but often I see her portrayed as being really two-dimensional, falling into either the devoted wife portrayal or the abused wife portrayal. I like your subtlety here, and I can see that there's more to her than what's on the surface. I'm excited to get to know her further!

The theme of being a female here is interesting. I guess I've always assumed that the Death Eaters were sort of sexist, or at least that they had little appreciation for having someone as bossy and unstable as Bellatrix in their midst. Here, though, Bella's participation seems to be welcomed by her fellow initiates, and I'm curious to know more about her invitation to join up with Voldemort. In fact, if anything was missing here, that might be it, though I could also see it fitting in later on.

This review feels really short, probably because (a) there are only so many ways to say that I loved it, and (b) I don't really have much CC to offer here. I'm definitely going to favorite this, and I'm really excited to dig in to the next chapter when it's posted, and to get to know more of your Lily and how she happened to meet Narcissa in that clearing. Additionally, I liked the way you used the quotes (which both seemed relevant) to anchor the chapter into place. All in all, very nice job - it was a pleasure exchanging with you! :)


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Review #11, by naflower05 Hellfire

6th May 2012:
This is really interesting so far! I can't wait to see whats gonna happen now! Update again soon please! =]

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