Reading this story makes me really like Peter as a character, which makes knowing how he turns out really quite depressing. I also really like Aly, and am excited to see their relationship grow, but sad that it started for all the wrong reasons. Otherwise, great job! Please keep updating this! I only just started reading this and I'm already excited for more! :)Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review,
It means a lot when I open up my profile to find a new one even when I haven't updated in like a month.
I'm glad you like Peter. That means I've been doing a good job. And honestly, I think its a bit more than depresssing knowing how things end ;).
I've been working on the next chapter one word at a time. My life has been crazy lately, and I simply have had to put this on the back burner for a little while. I hope to have the next chapter up really soon though, so fingers crossed :)
-BW Report Review
Yes, I've caught up! Phew! Well, when I started reading this chapter and saw all the Slytherins were in the common room, I got really nervous for Aly. I certainly didn't want her caught. I could actually feel the tension in the room as she went to Rabastan to get information. And I was surprised when he and the other Death Eaters thought she had actually given up on their plan to convert Peter. Well, the laugh will be on them when Peter gets his Dark Mark. (Actually, I'm not looking forward to that because I don't want Peter to turn! NO!)
And speaking of Peter, I couldn't stop smiling for that little Marauder as he got all the attention in the Great Hall. James and Sirius with their arms over him triumphantly, with so many people looking and listening to what he was saying. I just hope that he remembered to leave Aly's involvement out of his story!
Oh no, I'm caught up! I have to wait for an update! Well, I await the next chapter patiently. In the meantime, I think I'll try imagining how Peter and Aly's upcoming discussion of the prank will go. I anticipate some cuteness in the near future. Thank you so much for writing this story! :)Author's Response: Sorry for the late response, school started for me this week, and then last week I had pnuemonia, and the week before that I was on vacation (I've been busy). But I've finally gotten around to answering reviews!!
Right onto the actual response.
Yup the death eaters thought she had given up. I mean who wouldn't think that considering who Peter was (and who he was conected to). But yeah I guess they'll be eating their words later when he gets the mark. I'm not looking foward to that either, I mean that's when things start turning dark. For now at least, I can cherish the happy scense that I have planned for the two of them.
And yes Peter getting all the attention. I thought he'd love it especially when you think of how he sort of looked up to James and Sirius.
Woo hoo you're caught up. Hopefully I won't be too long with the update now. I plan on getting some writing done this week end, and then it will just be a matter of getting it through the queue.
Thanks a bunch for the reviews. They were a nice suprise when I finally found my way back to my computer the other week :)
-BW Report Review
Alright, while the prank was pretty gross (I scrunched up my nose a bit while reading as my imagination was engaged), this was a super cute chapter! So many instances of cuteness, from the first to last lines!
Cuteness Example 1: Aly teasing Peter about covering his ears. I have to say again, I love how you write from an outsider's perspective about all that we know about the Marauders, and the invisibility cloak is no exception. With Aly unable to see Peter, her little test and his answer was just adorable. I smiled as she made sure he couldn't hear the Slytherin password.
Cuteness Example 2: Peter telling Aly to get under the cloak. Even I could see that Aly, all by herself in the common room, would get blamed for the prank if Wilkes saw even one strand of her hair. I liked how Peter made sure she was covered and then made sure she's stay quiet. Just thinking of them getting all close like that is just so cute!
Cuteness Example 3: The last paragraph. While it sounds pretty ominous, with Aly still wanting to be a Death Eater and all, I thought it was sweet that she wants to turn Peter into a Death Eater just to save him. With this chapter, I am completely sold with their pairing. I only wish that I didn't know that things were going to end badly!
Overall, another excellent chapter! While I did expect the prank to be a bit more public and humiliating, I liked the intimacy between Peter and Aly. This is a big step in their relationship and I can't wait to see where it leads us readers next!Author's Response: Horay for cutness
I guess your starting to see where their relationship blooms from(I think I've made it pretty clear they are going to have a relationship). This chapter starts to sort of bring them together a bit through all the cute little moments.
I'm happy to hear that I have you sold on their pairing though, that's sort of important in a romance novel :p
But I promise moer cute moments are on their way ;)
I was actually just as surprised as Aly was when she met with not just Peter, but the rest of the Marauders as well. I guess I was expecting it to stay private, but the Marauders and pranking go hand-in-hand. What else should I have expected?
Seeing the boys work out their plans from an outsider's point of view was really nice. Their silent exchanges showed their close friendship, and I loved how Aly got to see a Peter who was confident and gave intelligent input to Sirius and James. He's really grown as a character in my eyes. I've never been one to hate teenage Peter, mind you, but your Peter just has so much potential. I also liked how Remus infused logic into the plans while making it quite clear to the others that he was not going to be an active participant. You've just got all the Marauders spot-on, it's incredible!
After they ironed out the plans, everything sounds good to go. It's definitely a lot better than what James and Sirius initially wanted. I can't wait to see what actually will happen and how it's actually pulled off and what exactly happens.
Poor Lucy! I feel so sorry for her! She knows that whatever is going to happen, it will be a bad idea. And when she does find out, she probably won't ever forgive Aly. Okay, moving on to the next chapter now!Author's Response: Hi again
Knowing the four marauders I couldn't have Peter pull a prank and leave out James and Sirius. And then I couldn't leave out Remus if I had the other three. No I had to have all four of them there.
To be honest writing them from an outsiders perspective was difficult. Especially because we know more about them than Aly knew. I had to keep going back and editing out parts where I accidentally called them the marauders, but I'm glad you think that I got it down. Its also good to see your opinion of Peter is sort of not as harsh as some. My goal of this entire story was to ease up on the hate a little because most people don't have that high opinions of poor Peter.
Thanks again for the review :) Report Review
Wow, what an amazing concept for a story!
Just a few CC's first:
You sometimes space your dialogue incorrectly so that the quotation mark isn't right on the sentence. Obviously just a formatting issue :)!
You give me so much in this. But it is still so new, such a foreign concept, that I want more. I want to know what Aly saw when she looked into Rabastan's eyes. Cold hatred? Humor? I want to know how Severus moved after hid dark mark was shown. Did he inch away from her, did he quickly hover over himself to conceal the mark? And what about the sounds. How did this conversation go unheard? Was the hall a perfect cloak for secrecy because of the shouts and laughter of the other students? Or was this group leaning in to whisper as to not be overhear?
You do give us a decent amount of detail, but this is such a tense conversation that I want in your head for it. I want to see and hear everything you do.
I also think that you need to further clarify why. Why now, in her 7th year? Her family must have always been DE supporters. Why did she befriend a muggle lover when she was raised to believe in pure blood supremacy. And why, after both those things, does she chose now to act? You talk about it being a spontaneous thing that mostly came about by fear. But that doesn't make me believe it. The reasons are good, but I think you need to show them. Did her brother corner her that summer, tell her what happens to those who don't support? Did news of more deaths spark, and get her thinking about what would happen to her if she didn't have protection?
I do think you should keep your reasoning because it feels very natural, but I think you should also expand on what finally made her decide to to this life altering thing.
Now, CC over. Onto the fun part!
This is a very, very strong beginning! You throw us into the middle of the story and you let it go, you start at a tense and fearful time, and you're already condemning this girl to a life of darkness. We know that she will set her sights on Peter. There are so many questions that spark up from this, which makes it a perfect first chapter. It gets the reader hooked and wanting to learn about Peter's future wife. Because this is a side we've never heard!
I think you did a really good job characterizing the students. They are young and full of themselves, clearly evil, but they don't really know enough to be cruel. And they're naive enough to think they really have a part in what Voldemort does - it's very realistic and feels natural.
I am impressed with this first chapter, and you made me excited to see where it goes! I hope you don't mind the CC!
Thanks again for requesting, please feel free to re-request! It shouldn't take so long next time :P!
JamiAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for this super amazing review. I really haven't gotten enough concrit on this story, so this was a huge help.
Adding more details is one of those things that you never can be sure when you've got right because you know how it goes in your head and when you read your own work thats what you see. But after reading your review I'm definitely going to go back and spice this chapter up a bit with some more of the little things.
I'll also go back and make sure I do try and clarify that bit up. I guess it never crossed my mind to include that bit of information. But yea in case your wondering its because her brother got his dark mark over her sixth year and came back with what Aly would consider a pretty good amount of inside knowledge of Voldy's folowers and such. Before hand since her brother didn't have the dark mark she didn't take him as seriously, and her brother got more intense about it because he was officially a death eater now.
I'm glad that you did like the beginning though. This just felt like the natural place to start the story from being that it did set up things so nicely.
But again thanks for this review. I really needed someone to nail me with the CC.
-BW Report Review
Aww I loved this chapter! Peter is just so cute and nice!
Okay so I loved your descriptions here. The creepiness of the place gave this chapter a very angst feel, added to Peter's nervousness. And it was really interesting how it was the people that made her CR feel comfortable and not the expensive furniture.
Somehow, I feel more compassion towards Yaxley, because a she begins to like Peter, she wants to 'save' him and sort of forgets that it was supposed to be the worst bet ever.
For a moment there, I thought Peter was going to transform into a rat and hide under something, it would've been hilarious, her face and all but I guess he doesn't trust her enough yet? Even she doesn't trut him :( Trust is the base of friendship!
Haha okay, whining over. But I'm reallyfalling in love with these two, and all the things you created for this tramp (spells and all), were great and really witty. Poor Wilkes hehe, I wonder what Lucy would say about that.
Great chapter! Please keep updating I can't wait for Peter to start being all awkward with her and her being confused. ;)
- ValAuthor's Response: Hey Val,
Yes compassion is good. We're starting to see the lines blur a bit as Peter starts to become a bit more than a bet. Of course, we're not there yet so I can't go have Peter turning into a rat. It'll come though I promise :P. They broke a pretty big barrier this chapter with the laughing and such.
You;'ll hear all about what Lucy has to say about poor Wilkes next chapter, or what she doesn't have to say...
Anywho thanks a bunch for the review :)
-Liz Report Review
I have returned! I don't think I mentioned this in the last chapter, but reading this one reminded me that I have been wondering where Lucy had disappeared to. But now reading how she thought Aly still had feelings for Wilkes, it just endears me so much more to this character! I love her so much, but your foreshadowing makes me fear for her future! Gah! I'm just glad that it only took them three days to start talking again and you didn't stretch everything over a few chapters.
When Wilkes grabbed hold of Aly, I started totally disliking him almost as much as Aly does. He seems so domineering, still considering Aly his girlfriend and trying to control her. I half expected Peter to actually step in to Aly's rescue, but how you worked Peter in eventually made a whole lot more sense. Their little chat was so cute and so believable, I'm actually rooting for Peter and Aly to get close but at the same time for them to escape their fates of becoming Death Eaters, even though you made it clear in the first chapter.
Your writing flows so smoothly, I didn't see any spelling or grammar mistakes. Although when I was reading somewhere in the middle of this chapter, you used 'er' a few times without commas, so I read that as if there was no pause as the 'er' came out. One example of the two I noticed was "I was er distracted." It might go a little better if you put in two commas to make it "I was, er, distracted." That way we can hear the audible pause in their speech. Just a suggestion.
Anyway, thanks for the awesome chapter and I look forward to reading what Peter has planned for Wilkes!Author's Response: Hi thanks for returning :)
So I'm glad you love Lucy. I agree with you she's totally a loveable person. But yeah you should be very very worried about her future. If I didn't make that clear in this chapter *evil laugh*
And then Wilkes showed a bit more of his true colors in this chapter. There's more of that in the next chapter (or it might be the one after the next but either way its comeing to you very soon). I figured it wouldn't be realitic for Peter to try and step in and save Aly from really anything. As we've seen in the books, he's more of the type to do it when your not looking than when you are. But I'm glad you are liking him, and Aly.
I'll go back and fix those few grammar errors right now. Hopefully there won't be too many more in the upcoming chapter :)
Any who thanks again for the review
-BW Report Review
Hey there! So I was really excited to finally come back and see the next chapter of this (although I swear I won't wait until there's another review battle opportunity until next time - just a bad habit of mine I need to get out of) but this was another great chapter and it's really looking really excited and I'm altogether rather excited and what not.
So, first contact had been made and it's pretty difficult to see how a relationship is going to bloom out of that but, well, I guess we'll see as it all gets angsty and interesting. I liked the use of the tarot cards, by the way, it was nice and creative and cool :)
Great third chapter :)
-ACAuthor's Response: Thanks for the nice review :) I'm glad that you still like my story. Don't worry about waiting for the review battle to review. I'm really bad about that too.
Anyway it'll become more clear how their relationship blooms in the next couple chapters ;). But yeah as of right now I don't think you could even really call them on friendly terms.
Thanks again for the review :)
-Liz Report Review
Hey! This is apocalypse, EXTREMELY late with your LONG overdue review. You probably don't remember but this is the chapter that you sent me a link to for me to review when you participated in my challenge. I'm very very very sorry for being so late here. I hope you forgive me :)
Anyway, now that I'm here, let's start, shall we?
Wow. I don't think I have ever read anything like this before. It's such a unique idea, I've already fallen in love with it. I can't imagine how you must've gotten this particular idea. It's really one of a kind. :)
I love the fact that you've decided to write about Mrs. Pettigrew. It's a brilliant concept, making her write a diary about her experience. I can't wait to learn more about it. One thing, this woman is Peter's wife in your story right? :p At first, I was confused if it's about his mother or his wife. Given the timeline, I'm guessing it's his wife but I still thought I'd confirm.
Anyway, the idea of making her trying to convert Peter is great. It's very refreshing to see that you believe that Peter was loyal at first. I really like that and it gives me a good feeling. :) You know, the hope that he really was a good friend like James and Lily believed him to be. I can't imagine how you'll make Aly justify the change in Peter's personality but I'm going to be looking forward to when you do.
The start of the story is a brilliant one. It really draws the reader in and makes them wonder about what will happen ahead. You've really done a good job with developing reader's interest. I have a lot of problem with maintaining that sometimes so I really appreciate the way you've been to maintain it. Great job. :)
I think that you've done a pretty good job with the characters too. They're classic Slytherins and they know who they are. I love the snobby attitude they show towards Aly and the way they express that she has to prove herself to become one of them. Good work. :) Also, I liked how you've characterized Severus. He's the same as canon but he's different too, if you know what I mean. :P I really liked him in here.
Well, that's it from me at the moment. Once again, I'm really sorry about being so late. It shouldn't have happened. Anyway, feel free to drop by my thread to re-request for further chapters of this story :) I'd be happy to review those too. I hope you like this review. Until next time, Good Luck and Happy Writing! :D
-CalAuthor's Response: Hey thanks for the review. Its totally ok that this is late. Like you said I forgot about it, so this was a suprise, and suprise reviews are the best kind of reviews, especially when they're this long.
Anyway, I'm glad you like my concept. I came up with it after reading so many stories that convieniently omit Peter. It used to annoy me so bad, although, now it sort of annoys me worse, because I'm more attached to him. Any who, Aly is in fact his wife when she's writing this. I've had a few other people confused about this, but I was sort of hoping that the timeline would sort of lead to the assumption that she is his wife. I don't really know how to make that any clearer (if you have any ideas feel free to pm me them) other than to put it into the story word for word that Peter is her husband, but I sort of want to avoid being that blatant about it.
I'm glad that you like my Slytherins too :) They were sort of different to write because this is actually my first story that I included that classic bully in. I also think I tried to go out of my way to sort of characterize Severus in this chapter too. He doesn't hold all that much of a prominent role in this story, so I wanted to try and get a good dosage of Snape in where I could.
Anywho thanks a million for this supper long review. It was totally worth the wait :)
-Liz Report Review
Too bad that Lucy didn't realize that, with the speed she goes through boyfriends, that she could actually go out with Chace to make him happy, break up with him for whatever reason, and still have time to get together with that Hufflepuff boy she was going on about in the last chapter. Just my thinking anyway.
Another wonderful chapter. It's really clear that Aly really hates Robert Wilkes. Especially when she set him on fire. Definitely a nice touch. Don't let her know I said this, but I agree with others who say she has anger management issues.
I did, however, notice a type-o. Right at the point where Aly shouts at Wilkes, you left out the 'H' in 'anything.' Also, their dialogue in the Three Broomsticks was a bit strange to follow. I had to read it twice to realize that Wilkes was surprised at the use of his surname instead of his nickname. But if that's the only stumble you've had in four chapters, you're certainly doing a whole lot better than me!
While this was not anyone's plan (that I could see), I can tell that Peter won't look at Aly like she's a major threat anymore. That act of taking out her aggression on a fellow Slytherin might actually endear her to the other Marauders. It's a shame, though, that Aly will turn this into an opportunity for the Death Eaters.
I have to run now, but I'll be back to read more of your story!Author's Response: Hello there again
Lol Lucy could totally date both. She would just have to get over he guilt for breaking up with poor Chace!!!
Anyway I'm glad that you liked Aly's reaction to Wilkes. I wanted to show her...firey side (get it firey she sets Wilkes on fire!!! lol) right anyway, back to business.
I'll go back to fix the typo and try and flesh out the dialouge a little. I dont' have a beta, so I guess it is pretty good that this is the first issue that you found. :)
You'll seee a bit more of how saving Peter from Bradford works out in the next chapter. But what you said is pretty close to the truth.
Anyway thanks for the reviews (all three of them) I really do apreciate the feed back
See you around the common room
-Liz Report Review
When I saw this chapter was set in a N.E.W.T.-level Divination class, I initially had my doubts. Divination was mostly a fluff subject in the books, but I knew you had to have a reason for having so many people take this class (maybe the requirements aren't as rigid to get in as the others).
Anyway, I think Divination class worked perfectly for you. It allowed you to do a bit of foreshadowing. The meaning of Peter's fortune is clear to any HP fan. Aly's, though, I'm not exactly that certain about. Of course, Aly is your creation and I'm just learning her story. I'm sure it will be obvious once you finish the story. But still, I love foreshadowing and how you worked the tarot cards naturally into the plot.
I don't remember exactly if I said this in my review of the first chapter, but I love how you describe the Marauders from Aly's point of view. Remus is probably my favorite Marauder, and him trying to protect Peter from any Slytherin is noble. I'm just wondering what partner he had to take. He probably wanted to spare Peter and sacrifice himself to endure a Slytherin partner.
Lucy Talkalot. That's really her last name? I hadn't been absolutely certain that it was her last name at first. She certainly lives up to her surname. She seems too sweet to be a Slytherin, but then again that's probably my old stereotype persona talking. I'll just have to read on and see what happens next. Still an intriguing story!Author's Response: Hi again
So I had a few people bring up how odd it was that I set this in a NEWT level divinations class. To be honest I didn't even think about that when I was planning. The divinations is important though for the very reason that I could do some foreshadowing. You'll find out exactly what Aly's fotune means later on :P
I'm glad that you like the way I portrayed the marauders. You'll be seeing more from them in chapter 6 (all of them this time around)
And yes Lucy's last name is Talkalot. It's movie cannon (I think in the philosiphers stone when Harry was looking at James plack in the hall her name was also on one of the awards). When I was doing my innitial research for this on Harry Potter Wiki I was trying to compile a list of all known students that might be in the marauder's year. Among the names I found was Lucinda Talkalot. The only thing that the page said about her was that she was the Slytherin Quidditch Captain at some point, so I used her in the story. I just couldn't resist making her out to be that chatty type of person.
So again thanks for the review. I really appreciate it.
-Liz Report Review
Hi, I'm back from the first chapter! And I'm glad I'm back. This chapter answered a few of my previous questions, the most important one being "What is Aly's full name?" And the answer is Alyona Yaxley! (And I loved the way you shared her full name too!) She's the sister of the Yaxley in Voldemort's inner circle! I don't know exactly why I'm so excited about learning her last name. Maybe it has to do with knowing a bit about her brother, whom I just made the connection with. That just makes everything that much more intense, because knowing where he's going, no wonder Aly feels like she had to be a Death Eater too.
At the beginning of this chapter, I absolutely love your description of the forest! Your details about how it was like to walk through felt much creepier than the movies portrayed it to be. It also showed how strong Aly was to face it alone. I mean, she had to go in for the first time at some point when she was probably scared about going in, right?
I'm glad you addressed her doubts in this chapter. Once the heat of the moment had died down, she was wondering what I was wondering about later. Like I said above, I know how it's going to end because of the summary/first chapter, but how she gets from here to there is a mystery to me.
And finally, Aly's friend Lucy. Lucy, who wants to date a Hufflepuff one year her junior? And she's a Slytherin. I don't think the Death Eater gang will like that (I worry about what exactly will happen there).
I suppose that's it for this chapter. You've got (*counting*) four other chapters already posted that I can read! I think I'll hop to the next one now.Author's Response: Hi Quiet Girl Thanks for for popping by :)
So yeah Aly's a Yaxley. I think sort of forshadowed her brother's situation a bit in the last chapter. When I was creating her character one of the big things that I wanted to have was a family backround of death eaters, and since we don't even know Yaxley's first name he seemed like a good fit for a brother.
The forest the forest the forest. I'm glad you liked my description there. I was a little worried that I over did it a bit when I finished, but I was so proud of the end product that I couldn't tone it down. There is actually a story to how she went to the forest the first time. It involves a lot of emotion, and she wasn't completely aware of what she was doing until she was up in the tree. I might add it in later as a flash back or something, but I don't know. I guess you'll just have to wait and see :P
The doubts were an important part of this chapter. Aly would probably come off as Mary Sue if she didn't have doubts right?
So thanks agian for the review
-Liz Report Review
Hi! I'm on a review spree right now, which is why this review is quite unexpected. Are you surprised? Well, you should be. x)
First off, this was a very interesting first chapter. I really liked the beginning, with the main character in a serious situation, and then they go on to how they got into the situation. I especially like the setting of this story; taking place right before the peak of the First Wizarding War.
Characterization was the best thing in this story. OCs are very rare in the Marauders Era. Usually they revolve around the Marauders or Snape, and what's even better is that this story is about Peter, who is often ignored in Marauders Era stories. Therefore, your story is in no way cliche. Your OC was portrayed very well in only the first chapter. I can tell that she's a strong, fierce person.
I don't often read stories about Death Eaters or future Death Eaters very often, but I think this one is going to be great. You're off to a very good start here! :)
~RosieAuthor's Response: Hi Rosie!!!
I am very suprised to see you, but horay for reviewing sprees :).
I'm glad that you like Aly. I spent a long time thinking her out so that I have minimal Mary Sueness in her. And I'm going to put her with Peter because you usually don't hear of him. There are entire marauders stories that completley overlook his existance, and so I thought it was about time that he get the spot light.
I'll see you around the forums some time :)
-Liz Report Review
Hey! I'm back again! And what a lovely chapter.
I love your Marauders so much. I really liked how Peter gained confidence when he was with his friends, even if he didn't talk that much. It seems pretty canon to me *cough*I♥canon*cough*. And I love lazy bookish Remus.
You are particularly good capturing guilt, and it is great to your story seeing her situation. Also, it is something most people can identify with so that's always a bonus ;)
I really liked that small touch where he doesn't like the dust on books, it reminds us that she was still raised like a pureblood and the deal she made. Because with all this of her starting to sort of like Peter /as a friend/ it is hard to remember the dark motives why she is doing it.
And no. Poor Lucy. I love her so much, alwayssosweet and caring. She should be her conscience, because she really lacks some. I don't want her to find out :(
So overall, great chapter, you're still deepening the characterisations which is great, such as adding more characters.
And I miss some Rabastan! You know, the major cause of this here, some threatens would be so nice! (I feel so terrible saying that)
Will keep reading, hopefully some more action and angst coming!
ValAuthor's Response: Hi Val :)
I'm glad that you liked my marauders. One of my goals in this fic was to keep it as close to cannon as possible, and technically if I don't slip up somewhere it could be entirely cannon. JKR never mentioned anything about how Peter became a death eater (other than strongly implying it was because he was a coward)
As for Lucy, well I guess I don't want to say too much. But yeah poor Lucy.
And then there is Rabastan. You're going to have to be patient with me here. Rabastan will be making his own grand reappearance. Just when it happens its going to be a bit more erm dramatic than if I just had him popping in going 'hey hurry it up' *insert evil laugh/knowing smile here*
Anyway hopefully the next chapter will be up soon
-Liz Report Review
You had me at the first sentence! I heard myself responding to her "I will! I will read your story!" Great, no, fantastic start! Definitely something I will have to finish reading!
Reading the summary and first chapter, I've got to say that I was wondering how this character would achieve it, especially since as I continued reading, you made it clear that she was a Slytherin from a Slytherin family. I adore the way you made her likable and a strong character without making her fall into the stereotypical cookie-cutter Slytherin-seeking-power. She was just seeking a way to save her own life.
Ooh, I really don't like this Slytherin gang, but at the same time I'm captivated by them. I really wondered what Rabastan would make Aly do. I'm sorry to say, though, when he called Peter "The Pig," I joined in with the Slytherins laughing. That doesn't make me evil, does it? It was just an unexpected nickname.
If you haven't noticed by now, I really love how this story's started, and I'll read the rest of the chapters as soon as I can!Author's Response: Wow I'm glad you liked my story so much.
I came up with the idea after noticing how overlooked Peter is in fanfiction. Thus this story was born :)
Writing Aly has been really fun. She had like 90% of Slytyherin's wanted qualities, but at the same time she defys the stereotype.
I'm happy that you think the Slytherin gang was well written. As for their nick name for Peter its probably normal that you laughed at it :) You Peter isn't exactly the most likeable character JKR wrote.
Anyway thanks for the review and I hope to see you around again sometime Report Review
Hey there! I'm back again!
So, it's really funny to read Aly mad at someone. I really wouldn't have been so upset if my friend had done something like that, Lucy was just trying to help!
Talking about Talkalot, what is it that you're preparing us for? What do you mean they won't have much time together? Is one of them going to die? Is it becaus rid the whole death eater thing? I love Lucy, I might just cry when they fall apart. Okay, melodrama over.
I'm glad she's over with Wilkes. I know that her being a Slytherin, it really won't be that hard to avoid him. She's decided she won't get back with him, and so I know she won't. She'll have Peter!
Merlin he's so cute. It makes my stomach hurt to remember what he'll do :s He's all awkward and with his weaknesses (being bullied an all) but we can still see his rebellious side, and it's great you're portraying that side of him! I hate it when writers let him out of the Marauders. Everyone thoughts it was Sirius who had betrayed them after all, because Peter was suppose to be loyal!
I can't wait to see how you change him, and how it sneaks from Remus's brotherly look.
There were some typos, nothing too bothering except maybe you forget Hogsmeade's 'A'. It was a nice chapter as always and I like how you remind us how they're still teenagers, worrying about silly things even though they're living through a tough period.
Anxious for updates! ;)Author's Response: Hi Val :) Thanks for reading and reviewing.
Honestly its really fun to write Aly when she's mad too, and overreacting to Lucy's 'helping' was something that fit her character perfectly.
As for Lucy I guess you will have to wait and find out what I have planned for her ;) hey at least I'm preparing you for it right? *evil laugh*
I'm glad you think Peter's cute. That's sort of what I'm aiming for you know. I figured after seeing so many stories that hate on him so much I was going to make my readers love him, whether they want to or not.
I'm currently in the process of writing the next chapter, so if we're lucky, and the queue stays short, it will be validated just before the staff vacation, if not then there might be a little bit of a wait.
Also I'll go back and proof read this chapter again sometime.
Anyway until next time
-Liz Report Review
So I'm finally back to be able to read and review this chapter and it was just as wonderful as the first one. I really liked the pace of it - you didn't rush into anything in this chapter and because you had enough of the plot in the first chapter this chapters means we get to know our Aly a bit better.
I really like her desire to be a Death Eater. There were a couple of things I especially liked about it though... I think it was 'that required developing a degree of predjudice' which really stuck with me. The idea that she doesn't really care one way or another and just wants to survive by becomming a death eater. Makes sense to me. I like her reasoning.
Lucy seems nice too... she's interesting due to the whole non-predjudice Slytherin thing. I can not imagine she's going to be very happy when the plan is put into action (which I can't wait to see, might I add).
Anyway, I love this story so very vrey much (if you didn't get that from my last gushing reveiw) so I'm adding it to my favourites and fully intent to be back here very soon.
Thanks for writing! The world has been waiting for this story (or at least, I've been waiting for this story).
-ACAuthor's Response: Awww thanks for the nice review :)
Writing this chapter was fun because I got to go into Aly's character a little more. I really wanted to stress her indifferernce on the prejudice thing because I would think that a lot of people who joined Voldemort were just like her. They just needed to survive and Voldemort was their way out. I thought it was important to kind of show that type of person while writing this.
And then there is Lucy. You'll get into more with her as you read, but introducing her was one of the most important things in this chapter. ;)
Anyway thanks again for the review, it totally made my day :)
-Liz Report Review
Haha, I love Aly's temper! She's just so real and Slytherin and funny. I'm really curious towards what her relationship with Wilkes was like now, and I'm glad you're not pushing her too fast with Peter. Though I wouldn't mind not knowing what it was like with the 'dead' Robby since I loved how she blew him off, and then blew him up xD
It was great how she suddenly was mad at everyone and everything in the world, from the waitress to the people sharing her path and 'blocking' her way. The descriptions were ironically enjoyable while she was in said state.
Also, it's great Peter got to see her for who she is, you know, as in the hot tempered prideful girl. And I liked how her descriptions always give you the lead to cliches and then break them (in this chapter with the eye contact).
The "I remember"s were a nice and soft touch to remind us these are memories, just make sure not to put them too close in paragraphs so it doesn't sound too repetitive. It seems to insist that something big and changing is going to happen when you put them in a row like that.
Even if something sort of important happened. I like to think that her saving him from a bully will change his opinion on her. She's a good girl. Ish.
And Lucy! I could see how she only wanted the best for her friend and it makes me slightly sad :( I hope we'll get more of her and Peter's reactions.
Looking forward to more, it's really well written and good luck with the SOTM!
~ ValAuthor's Response: Hey Val thanks for the review :)
I loved writing this chapter. It was like the epitomy of Aly's anger, and it was fun show the overtemered side of her.
I promise you will be seeing a bit more of Wilkes as we go. He isn't the type to give up so easily ;) even if Aly has made it quite clear that she is not into him anymore. And I agree it was important that Peter see her like that in this chapter after all he had that stereotypical Slytherin image of her in his head up until now.
I'll try and go back and maybe spread out the 'I remembers'. When I wrote this I probably didn't realize that they were too close when I wrote a new one in there.
As for the results of the bullying incident well your just going to have to wait and see ;).
I've got the next chapter written, so once I'm done editing it I'll put it in the queue. That means I'll probably submit it some time later today.
Thamks again for the review
Ack ack ack. So, okay, I really really really really really like this. With a couple more reallys. I've always wanted to read a Peter/Oc story. I've read one and it was wonderful, and this looks like it's going to be just as interesting and I really want to read more of this (so now doubt I will be doing so, very shorty - it's just been put on my Summer reading list).
I like your character. She's quite the Slytherin in the fact that she's prepared to do anything to achieve her ambitious - even though it goes against what her best friend believes in. She's really interesting and... ack, the premise for the whole thing is really interesting. With a girl being responsible for Peter's betrayal? Ah! This is the story that I've always wanted to read and I'm utterly thrilled that I've finally found it - no one seems to write about Peter, after all.
Basically, I loved this and I'll definitely be reading more either as part of the battle or when summer arrives properly :D
-ACAuthor's Response: Thanks so much this review has literally made my day :D
Writing Aly has been really fun because she is just so Slytherin-y. She's got a really strong personallity and I'm doing my best to do her justice. It's good to hear it sounds like I'm doing a good job so far :)
And I know, people never write Peter!!! There are marauder fics out there that will leave him out completely. I got this plunny after reading one of those, and feeling like Peter needed a little more love.
Anyway hope to see you again in the battle some time :)
-Liz Report Review
This story is very interesting, You are a very good writer! I can't wait to read more :)Author's Response: Thanks for the nice review. I'm glad you're enjoying my story so far. The next chapter is in the queue and should be validated soon so hopefully the wait won't be too long :) Report Review
i love this story so far. Keep writing!!!Author's Response: Thanks for the nice review chapter 4 is in the works :) Report Review
Hi there! Here with your review!
I really liked this chapter just as much as the previous ones. I thought that you did a great job keeping it in your jounal-like style that you are going for. It isn't exceedingly obvious that it is what you're going for, but a couple of powerful lines really made me feel like I was reading from a journal.
I thought that you did a wonderful job characterizing your characters. I could definitely see the entire divination class doing this. Especially James and Sirius having not done a thing either. I thought that you used key things that even though it was subtle in the characterizations it brought a firm characterization. I hope this makes sense.
I was really hoping to see something come to light since Yaxley was paired with Peter. Although I do understand that not rushing the story will be to its benefit. That being said, I really liked the flow and pace. They were well balanced together and worked with the rest of the story. Your descriptions and mannerisms are well done and bring the characters to life and make them that much more believable. I could clearly picture the entire chapter because of it.
On a side note: I did see a couple of sentences while they were reading the cards, that were a bit confusing even when I read them out loud. I would suggest looking the area over for those. It didn't take away from your overall story or the flow, but I figured I would let you know about it.
Keep up the awesome writing! I look forward to reading more! =)
Recenseo 2012Author's Response: Hi thanks for the review
I'm glad that you thought the journalistic thing is still there. I'm a bit paranoid about loosing that actually.
I promise that new stuff will come to light eventually :). I thought it was important for them to have an awkward getting no where moment before I get their friendship moving, It makes things more realistic you know?
I'll go back and try and fix some of the wording. around there.
Thanks again for reading and reviewing :) Report Review
It's me, yet again.
Characterization: Well, there's still the thing about being a borderline Mary-Sue with Aly, but she was better in this chapter. I liked that she took the initiative to pair with Peter. And his characterization was solid. So was Lucinda's. Only question about her--her last name is legitimately "Talkalot"? SERIOUSLY? Wowww...
Descriptions: This wasn't quite as good as the last chapter, but you were solid enough that it wasn't a detriment. I think I would have liked more mention of what the classroom looked/smelled/sounded like, but other than that, good job!
Emotions: I liked that you showed that Aly was a little disappointed when she didn't think that she was going to convince Peter to talk to her. That was an important part of the chapter to me--her realizing things wouldn't be quite as easy as they might seem.
Plot: Well, finally there's contact! I'm glad you didn't drag on too long before Aly and Peter actually had some interaction. That would have made things a little tedious.
Continuity: At the beginning of the classroom scene, you say they're in Transfiguration, but they're in Divination. And also, why on Earth would the Marauders follow that subject until seventh year? It's a little uncharacteristic.
Interactions: I liked the awkwardness between Peter and Aly. It wouldn't have made sense if they'd hit it off right away. And I liked that Remus tried to stand in Aly's way when she wanted to get to Peter. What a good friend. :]
I think you're doing well so far! Keep up the good work!
--EmilyAuthor's Response: Hi thanks for the review :)
Haha, yeah Lucy's name is Talkalot. I didn't name her that though. She's cannon, I found her on Harry Potter Wiki as an old Quidditch captain, so it felt almost wrong to have her character be anything other than what she is like.
I see what you mean with descriptions too. I'll be sure to go back and try and amp this up a bit. I guess it was just easier in the forest because there was more things to the describe there :p.
The Transfigurations thing was a typo, I'll fix that. And I never thought about the fact that the Maruaders wouldn't take Transfigurations all seven years. Maybe I'll go back and take James and Sirius out of this chapter so its just Remus and Peter.
Again thanks for reviewing all my chapters. It's good to get some good concrit on how I'm doing so far :) Report Review
Characterization: Well, again, I like Aly. I think she's bordering on Mary-Sue land, though. There are moments where she's a little TOO...something. Something is off, though, you know? I can't put my finger on it. I still like her, but there are Mary-Sue hints. I'll see if they fade in future chapters. :]
Descriptions: I think you did a really great job in this chapter. Well done! I really felt like I was in the story. :D
Emotions: Well, I'm really glad I could see Aly's frustration and confusion in this chapter. It makes sense that she's so conflicted. Well done! And Lucy is sweet. She doesn't seem like a Slytherin at all, though...
Plot: Well! I always love the journal-like parts. Those are my favorite. And the flashback type-things are pretty good as well. (In my last review, the word "already" wasn't supposed to end the question, "Is she a Slytherin?" haha. I knew she was a seventh year, I just wasn't sure what house she was in. Sorry for sounding dumb! :] )
Interactions: Well, I think Lucinda is definitely going to hate Aly in the future. Because that's the only thing that makes sense. But right now, their friendship is quite sweet. They're very different, though. I'm surprised that Lucinda is a Slytherin. Hm.
Style: Again, LOVE the journalistic parts. Great way to begin the chapter. I really think you did well there. And you have an interesting story, so the eye-catching aspect is there. Good job.
About the Mary-Sue note that I mentioned earlier: I think it may have something to do with her being so nonchalant about the forest. That's almost making her annoyingly unique. I don't know if I'm explaining this very well, but I'll try to in my next review. :]
--EmilyAuthor's Response: Hi thanks for reading and reviewing :)
So I see what you mean about the Mary Sue part. The forest is making her a bit special. I actually named her Aly to try and tone the specialness down, you know give her a normalsh name. The forest is usually a place that people fear, and she doesn't. To be honest though, I probably won't change it. I was trying to find some place that could be like her place and the forest was the best I could come up with.
As far as Lucy goes she is supposed to be the opposite of what Slytherins should be. It's cannon that the sorting hat screws up placement occasionally and she is one of those mistakes that the sorting hat would never admit to.
Thanks again for the review, I really appreciate it :). Report Review
I just started reading this so please excuse me from not reviewing before.
I'm really liking this. It is a whole new take on Peter, and though I hate him for letting cowardice get over him most of his life, I'm glad you're giving him importance in his younger years and are adding depth to his decision.
Characterization I going good I think. I love that Lucy's last name is Talkalot ^^ Sometimes I wonder if Aly isn't too nice and indecisive, but I gues it's just all the thoughts that are going through her and the way she lives (being a Slytherin and all).
In the second chapter, I thought only for a moment that she'd find the marauders during one of Remus' transformations. But then again, this isn't your typical marauder/OC story. It's good that they don't get along well immediately, and that they don't hate each other either; it is more realistic this way.
I feel the flow is going well, and I could even say there is technically much description for this being memories. But it is a novel after all, and I feel it's going greatly; the pacing going smoothly and just enough descriptions to picture the scene.
I can't wait to see how they start to grow closer and their thoughts on each other. And the Tarot! That was a great idea and I'm too exited as for what is to come for Aly!
All this rambling to say this is quite an enjoyable and original idea and there's nothing I can really criticize. Maybe some word mistakes, as this is told in past, shouldn't 'here' actually be 'there'? These are really minor word confusions that could get fixed with simple re-reads (your grammar seems great to me, so I wouldn't go as far as requesting a beta).
Just avoid the Mary-Sue's and this will go on awesome! Keep the character study deep ;)Author's Response: Hi thanks for the review
I'm glad that you like my story. I thought it was about time that poor Peter got some attention after having entire stories not recognizing his existence.
Lucy's last name being Talkalot is great right :D. You know what the best part is? She's cannon. I found her on Harry Potter Wiki, she was one of the old Slytherin quidditch captains (which will of course will be incorperated later into the story). With a name like Lucinda Talkalot I couldn't resist writing her character this way.
I'll go back and try and make sure that everything is past tense. I'm being very careful about Mary Sue monitoring. I know all to well the dangers of a too perfect character.
Thanks again for reading and reviewing. It's good to know I've got some readers out there :) Report Review
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