Passing the Parcel to you xP
Wow, a very nice opening chapter for your story! I loved the way you described Hermione. The description of her thoughts was just so HER. I mean it, all that analyzing, over thinking, fearing for her friends, it was very nicely written. I could feel the panic of the situation through your narration. The story flowed very well, and as I said, Hermione's emotions were all over the place, and very tangible. The last lines were very intensely written too, and I could feel the anticipation very well.
All in all, a very nicely written first chapter. The scene setting, descriptions, character narration, all well done. And of course I love the plot. I can sense this to be an awesome dramione!
Good work! 10/10
(AditiDraco95)Author's Response: Awww thanks AD. I'm currently reconstructing this story but this chapter, as most people like it will not be changed. Just a change in structure only. I loved getting inside her head. Bit too much for me (Man she loves to talk to herself. More like study in her head all the time) but yeah that was cool :D Alright not study all the time but you know what I mean. Hehe
Thank you for the lovely review AD. I mean, this was my first ever piece of writing so getting such lovely reviews really does boost my enthusiasm.
Thank you again :D
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Hiya! EM's finally here!
Ok it time to finally address your main concern for this story: organization of the chapters.
In my honest opinion, I think that its not really about switching some chapters around, probably more like adding in detailed transitions in between some scenes and at the end of the chapters. I suggest you start working with transitions first, it maybe a bit more challenging, but i think that its what the story might need.
I think that all the grammar stuff is just about the same as the previous chapters. Fixable no worries ^_^
I hope that you really do continue on with this story. You really have something good here. If you need any help with it, maybe someone to beta this for you or to bounce ideas from, feel free to contact me through the forums ^_^ I'd be really glad to help you with this!
I hope I helped a bit.
Happy Writing!Author's Response: You helped a lot Em :) Thanks a million.
Yeah I think I've got it figured out. All I need to do is wait patiently for my finals to finish so that I can chuck this in. I'll post in your thread once the new version is up, then you can tell me if I've improved on everything you've pointed out :)
Thanks a million for taking the time to review and comment :)
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Em here with your requested review!
I finally made it. I apologize for taking awhile to fill your request, life is just so unpredictable the ^_^'
Grammar/ spelling: In this area, I think your work is getting a lot better. However, you must be careful with your tense agreement as I saw some areas where it jumped from one tense to another (don't worry its no biggie). Other than that, I think you are doing just fine.
Plot: I think the beginning was a little jumpy for me. I found that it was a bit hard in track of what was happening. Maybe adding a little more description would help.
I really like how the beginning was really similar to the fourth movie ^_^ Good job with that one!
I think that this is all for now. I'll be sure to comment on the organization of the chapters once i get done with the fourth one ^_^
Off to the next one.Author's Response: Awww thanks love :) I've been planning the chapters so now waiting for the signal from all the reviews :D This, like I said was my first ever story so sorry for all the incompetent grammar and all :( I was... Well new :D But I'm so happy that you see an improvement :D
Thank you for the review and naah don't worry you can take all the time you want :D
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It's me again, Emesias with your requested review.
I got a tad bit confused with this chapter. It seemed to jump a lot. maybe you can add more description for clarification?
The Trio (Harry, Hermione and Ron) characters are really different from the canon. They said a lot of things that I would normally expect Draco to say. Nevertheless, I'm curious to see how they develop in you story ^_^ I'd like to see the creativity that you put in :D
I liked how Draco and Hermione were having a go at each other then he defended her. Its the start of a cute romance >.<
Overall, you have an interesting plot going on here. With a little more work, it'll be an awesome one :D Oh yeah, I'll be sure to comment on the order of things the end of the fourth chapter.Author's Response: Awww thanks Em :) Take all the time you want. Yeah I know I'm revising this story at the moment. There's a lot of work that really really need to be done. Thanks for the review :) Report Review
Emesias finally here with your requested review!
I apologize if it took this long to fill your request.
There are only 1 or 2 grammatical errors that I spotted throughout this chapter. It's nothing that will greatly affect the overall presentation. Good job with using the line to indicate a shift in scenarios.
I think that you have an interesting plot that you'v got going one. However, I felt like it was a little too short. I can't wait to see how this unfolds. You did an excellent job with describing their actions as well as thoughts. maybe add a little more emotion to add more 'color' to the imagery and well as to the characters ^_^
About the characters, like I said you really did a good job in describing their actions and maybe a little more emotion to them will add more 'spice' to them. I can't wait to see how they develop as characters in this story ^_^
Overall, I think you did a good job with this! I'm excited to read on!
Happy Writing!Author's Response: Aww thanks Em :D I had a great start. It's just that the chapters aren't organized. Please let me know on that specific note I added in your thread :) Thanks for the review :D Report Review
LOVE the Neville line!
And fun with Crabbe and Goyle! Very good!
You may want to make a note that you're following movie canon, not book canon.Author's Response: Yes I sort of wanted to mix the two up and make this story. Like I said it was my first ever! So I did everything insane! Soo sorry everyone! I'm glad you liked it :) Report Review
Okay, this one DID get confusing! Hermione is simply behaving too differently from the character created by JKR. And I'm not talking about her insults to Malfoy; that's just a stretch of the character. I think that the LAST thing she would've done in the Draco-protecting-her situation would be to ridicule him. She might have kept her surprise to herself; she might have confronted him about it; she might have softened her attitude toward him; she might be angrier than ever about his contradictions. But whatever she felt, she would have questioned, not attacked.
Once Lucius appeared, the action was hard to follow.
Great Ron dialogue! And good scene at the very beginning, when she's trying to find Draco.Author's Response: I know! I really didn't like the fact that I made Hermione attack Lucius but I don't know why, I couldn't change it either. I wanted to keep it. And the Draco-protecting-her situation. Another similar situation. I know, I'm learning :) Thanks for the review love. I need to work on a lot of things :) Report Review
Okay, THIS story is perfectly clear! I know exactly what's going on and how Hermione is feeling. I think this one is great!Author's Response: Awww thanks love. :) This was my first ever story so I was a bit nervous. Thanks :) Report Review
I love how you have Hermione as little miss Hero, it's great! Also, the part about her smirking and needing to move away before she turns blonde is also very funny!
Like I said, this is a very interesting time period you are exploring and I'm excited to see where you take it! I'm not a huge Draco Hermione fan, but I'll get over it ;). The only ones I absoltely wont read are Snape and Lily. Ever. Ever! haha.
Anyway, I loved Lucius chracterization. The quite, deadly way you had him speaking was perfect.
Again, but this one through your beta and any rough parts will quickly be smoothed out :)!
I always find the second chapter to be the hardest, but you didn't seem to have any problems with this one! Everything moves fast, is interesting, and hold the readers attention!
Great job :)!Author's Response: Jami!!! Thankss :D This story is currently undergoing a major revamping process. This was my first ever story and the chapter planning was horrible! I'm trying to reorganize the chapters and re submit it. Hope that goes well :) Thanks for the review :D
Hehe why do you hate Snape Lily so much? I have read a couple or two and they're not bad. ;) Try Snape/Hermione (I can imagine your face right now) Hehehehe
Again thanks for all the lovely reviews Jami. You're a real darling :) Report Review
Wow, what a creative idea, my dear!!! I have never, ever, ever read something from Hermione's PoV during the Cup, it's such a new idea! I think you did a really great job catching Hermione's frantic nature in this, trying desperately to find her friends. I also loved the line where she berates herself for not paying attention, even though she really shouldn't because Lucius always makes threatening ideas, but it's still so Hermione.
This one has some off and on grammar issues, nothing your beta (you said you got one, right? :) ) can't fix! I love the originality of this and the cliffhanger, it definitely makes me want to go one!!
Wonderful first chapter!!Author's Response: Now I'm having doubts about the revamping process. Should I or should I not? Help!!
I thought the end was a bit over dramatic but I guess that's alright :D Thanks a lot Jami I love your reviews :) Report Review
Love it! Hope you update soon:)Author's Response: I was bust writing two other stories for two challenges. That's done now. So I definitely will :) Thanks a lot for reviewing. :D Keep reading. Report Review
i really like your story :) its really good!Author's Response: Thanks a lot Donnah :) Please keep reviewing :) Suggestions are welcome. Report Review
waiting for the nexr xhapter, sent a review bu afraid that it didnot go through, hope this ones does,Author's Response: Hehe I got both. Thanks again :) Report Review
i have finished your 4 chapters. Found them entertaining and loved the way you went from the differing stages of their years. I do hope you will finish your work and I will be able to read the complete novel. It is difficult for me to critic, most I cna do is say I like it, find your mode of expression pleasing and like your story content. thank you for sharing your imagination with us all.Author's Response: :) Thank you so much. I was beginning to worry. Thought I might have to do it all over again since no one liked it :) I am working on the other chapter plus some other stories. I'll get the lot out as soon as possible :) Report Review
I'm surprisingly really enjoying this story! Great job so far! Keep up the good work!Author's Response: :) Thank you so much. The best part is yet to come :D Report Review
Is this a flashback? I'm so confused please explain!Author's Response: Haha wait and see ;) Report Review
Lovely Story. It was quite short. But I love it 😊Author's Response: next chapter is quite long but it will be here in a couple of days. :) Thank You Report Review
Interesting start you have here (: I don't think I've ever read Hermione's POV of what happened during the chaos in the World Cup, so that was nice.
I think your writing is good, you have a lot description going on and I could really feel the suspense and action in the chapter. Well done!
Spotted few little typos, but nothing major - your grammar is good.
Keep up the good work!
~EleniaAuthor's Response: Thanks a bunch Elenia :) :) :) Doing my best :) Report Review
it is as good as the first...:) but i would like to see more of dramione moments.Author's Response: On the way ... Many to our liking. Nothing slopping, pure innocent romance :) Report Review
this has a good start. keep up the work. hoping for more excitement in the future and dot keep us fans waiting..:)Author's Response: It all starts from chapter three ;) ;) Stick to the end and keep reviewing. Thanks sooo much Report Review
thumbs up...!!! and please continue the story .Author's Response: Thank you weirdo... Stick to the end :) :) :) Report Review
Good plot and an incredible cliff-hanger! Update soon Pls! I will be waiting!Author's Response: I updated 5 days ago. They haven't validated yet. Any day now =) Thank you for reading... Follow me to the end :D Report Review
This is awesome, you should write a book of these ;PAuthor's Response: Haha Thank You Gerorge. I added the second chapter yesterday. It'll be out in about 3 days. Hope you like that too =) =) A book... Hmmm... This is sorta ma test you know. If people like this I might ;) Report Review
this was good. please write more.Author's Response: Already added the second chapter =) and Thank you. Report Review
WOAH! well done SHORTEY!!! :D
Hope we can expect more ROMANCE in the FUTURE!!! ;DAuthor's Response: Definitely Feltson ;) ;) ;) ;) More to your expectation that anyone else's I should say. Report Review
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