Reading Reviews for Cretaceous
2 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Remus The Reaping

1st June 2012:
Hey! Perelandra here from the forums. This is the first Hunger Games/HP crossover that I've read. I haven't read the books but my sister LOVES them so I know the main story line.

Alright so in the first paragraph I spotted a few problems. First off, it's a long, long paragraph. You should break it down to two at least.

The lines that read 'It meant saying goodbye to your best friend; your child; your grandchild; your schoolmate. It didnít matter whoís names were pulled out of the pristine glass jar, somebody lost someone.'

And then the line 'Somebody lost a friend; somebody lost a child. Sooner or later, everybody lost someone.' These two lines are very, very similar. You're saying basically the same thing. I recommend you mix the both to have a much better flow.

Also, in the first paragraph you have 'It was that one day of the year that everyone wanted to forget about that.' I suggest that you replace the first 'that' to 'the' OR drop the second 'that'.

"Sirus's hand tightened" Did you mean Sirius?

"For a lot of parents there youngest child" Change 'there' to 'their'.

Question, did you mean to change Sirius' name? Because you constantly wrote Sirius' name as 'Sirus'.

You have some grammar issues. You're missing commas, periods and even some quotation marks.

Overall this is very interesting. I like how Dumbledore is the president and Umbridge as Effie.

Remus felt very in character while Sirius felt a bit off, but that's just me.

Your flow is a bit rough due to the punctuation issues you have. Specially with dialogue tags.

I think that's it! :D


Author's Response: Thank you for taking your time to leave such a lengthy review. I'll be sure to take all of that into consideration when I'm editing it :D Thank you!

Jas, x

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Review #2, by CloakAuror9 The Reaping

16th May 2012:
I was going to review this last night, but I forgot then I lost the story link. So I'm glad you requested! :P

Anyway, I thought the story was really good! I really like the way you incorporated Hunger Games and the Marauders together. It seems all very fitting and very believable. Your descriptions are really well done, I can just so imagine Lily and James fighting around the arena, throwing hexes and spells at other participants. (For some reason, I am imagining Lily with a bow and arrow and she's shooting squirrels with them...)

Though, I must admit I actually thought that Lily and James would enter the Arena as arch enemies and only get together at the end. So I was surprised when they started hugging and kissing each.

So, there's already one or two plot twists on the first chapter...I can't wait to see the others. They seem like they are going to be great, considering that you started out to the story SO well.

Please, please let me know when the second chapter is up, I would really love to read the rest of this fantastic story! ♥

CloakAuror9 xx
Recenseo 2012

Author's Response: Hey!
Thank you! Hmm, Lily as Katniss haha (now that's a funny thought - i'm imaging her falling over a lot. Weird) MOVING ON!

That would have worked wouldn't it? Yeah I think I wanted it to be less-cliche'd than most of my stories. I think I'm going to have flashbacks to the days when they did hate one another (or when Lily hated James).

Thank you!! If I ever the second paragraph I'll be sure to let you know!

Jas, x

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