I love this, really original!
I can't wait to see what's going to happen next, please update as soon as you can. :D Report Review
Oh, goodness! I'm so sorry! I read this story, but never gave you your review, from the forums. I'm really sorry.
I really think this is a pretty interesting story. I like how it started, and I really like how it ended, as well. In most fanfictions, Lily's the little, sweet girl. It seems like that in almost all of them, honestly. I like the twist you're putting on her. Bad-ass Lily is very cool! I'm sorry, but everything I have to say is good! I have one little thing, because you have a few run-ons, but that's all. There's nothing bad to say. You're a great writer, and you obviously know what you're doing. Great job. 10/10. Report Review
I'm so excited to see where this story goes. Your writing is really fantastic and I love the plotline - it's so original. And the characters are so great; I already ship Cillian and Lily, haha. I'm very excited for the next chapter; update when you can! 10/10 :DAuthor's Response: These reviews are really improving my day! Hasn't been the greatest day, but getting these lovely reviews is definitely making everything seem a bit brighter! I'm glad you like my writing and the plotline. It's pretty silly, but in the best way. I love writing it. And yay! A Cillian/Lily shipper. I don't know if they'll end up together or anything, but I think they're cute together regardless. Update should hopefully be soon. Within a week at the latest, I think. Thanks again! :D Report Review
I'm in love! This is awesome :D
10/10Author's Response: Aww, I'm glad you think so! It's a lot of fun to write! Thank you so much for reviewing, I really appreciate it! Report Review
"You're not allowed to speak to me. Your cat is the spawn of Satan," Ashley snapped at the girl.
^ I say that to my sister about her horrid teacup Yorkie that likes to bite everyone and scratch me like the evil being it is!
Anyway! This is turning out to be such a fun story. I love the little Spanish references you put in the story, we spanish people need some more love. I think Cillian and Ashley are my favorite characters though. Ashley takes the win, extremely funny and a tad dramatic. I'd be his friend.Author's Response: Haha! That's so funny! My sister's dog is sort of like that, too. I adore the little thing, but she can be pretty nasty sometimes.
I think I wanted to write someone of Spanish descent because I always see characters of French descent, but never really anything else. And although my Spanish is incredibly rusty, I'm still much better at it than French. I like Spanish, it's fun, and I wanted to name a character Rocky so Raquel seemed like a good proper name. Ashley is so funny in my head lol. I LOVE writing him. He's definitely a bit on the dramatic side! But he's also so endearing that his friends can't help but love him. I'd be his friend, too. :P
Again, thank you so much for the lovely reviews! It was a great surprise to come back from class and find them! Report Review
Neat first chapter! I really like your OC's so far and lately for some reason I haven't been into OC's too much, more canon characters than anything but I'm trying to change that! Their banter was funny and how awesome it is that you're writing about the illegal happenings in the WW! So cool.
Lily actually sounds pretty awesome. I usually read her as this little girl who is never taken seriously by anyone but she's actually really cunning and resourceful in this. I can't wait to see what happens next!Author's Response: Wow! Two reviews is a really nice surprise after an early morning class!
I'm glad you like the OCs! I tend to make a lot of OCs, haha, although I love canon characters as well. These guys are a lot of fun to write. Because even though they're criminals, they're not 'bad guys'. They amuse me a lot while I write them, lol, so it's good to know that other people find them amusing also and it's not just me being crazy, which is a completely valid possibility. And yeah, I thought writing about some illegal wizarding happenings would be fun! I haven't read many fics where they talk about it before.
Lily IS pretty awesome. I wanted to do a different take on her than usual. I've definitely seen her with a sarcastic personality in some fics, but I wanted to take her to like, the extreme of being a brat, haha. And yes, she can be very cunning! I haven't brought it up in the story yet, but she's a Slytherin.
Thanks so much for the review! Made my morning! Report Review
I like these characters! It feels like they all know each other so well. It's sort of ironic because in almost all next-gen it's the Potter/Weasley clan that inspires that feeling of tightly-knit unity and friendly teasing and all that, and the OC always wants a little bit of that, but here the Potter is the one trying to get with a clan of OC's. They all complement each other very well - Rocky, Elliot, Ashley, and Cillian. It would be hard to be Lily and not feel a teensy bit left out or even jealous because of their obvious closeness. And now they're going to harbor her for the 10,000 Galleons! Holy Voldy, she really does want a holiday, doesn't she? I'm rooting for some Lily/Cillian macking to occur whilst she's being kept hidden. And baww, Cillian gave up the couch for her. ♥ He may only have done it to be a gentleman, but at least it says that even black-market gangsters are capable of chivalry. Also - DRACULA ♥ A cat named Dracula who attacks people. I love it.
LOVELY CHAPTER, DEAR!Author's Response: SOROH YOO ORO SO COOL O LOVO YOO SO MOCH.
I like that you point that out about the tables are slightly turned because they're the ones who are so close to you and Lily is the one trying to infiltrate the group, in a way. People usually the write the next gen Weasley/Potters as very popular, which makes sense because they sort of have a lot of built in friends from their family, but I mean, does anyone really like all of their cousins? I like to think Lily's cousins don't like her a /whole/ lot because she's so bratty and stuff lol. And yes, the ever-angsty Lily desperately wants a holiday. Haha, yay! A Lily/Cillian shipper! They're adorbz together in my opinion. But I shall not disclose whether or not they shall become an actual ship or not. Idk if it will fit in with the story necessarily, so we will see, yo. Cillian can be quite the gentlemen! Just because he's a criminal doesn't mean he's a good person, amirite? DRACULA IS THE BEST HOMG. The bestest of the best.
THANKS, DEAR! I LIKE YOUR FACE AND STUFF. Report Review
Great chapter. The part with Dracula biting Ashley was so funny!! :P
Oh, and just to be clear, does Lily know that they plan on collecting the reward money after they take her back home or did Rocky leave that part out of the plan to her??Author's Response: Aww, thanks so much! I really appreciate your reading and reviewing! I was getting worried I wouldn't get any reviews on this chapter, so you have officially made my night! :) I love Dracula! And Ashley, actually.
Lily does know about it. I should make that more clear at some point, haha. But she knows about it!
Thanks so much for reviewing! :D Report Review
I absolutely love this story so far!
We got a very brief glimpse of the wizard's criminal underworld through Mundungus Fletcher in the books, and its an area I definitely want to see get explored more in fanfics, there's just so much potential.
I really enjoyed your OC's. Their banter was highly amusing, and they definitely seem like your typical small time hustlers rather than your hardened death eaters.
And Lily seems like quite the problem child, but at the same time, she is quite cunning and resourceful, and very gutsy. I'm curious to know why she wants to run away so badly and what she has up her sleave.Author's Response: This story is totally my guilty pleasure writing these days. It's super silly and slightly cracky and parody-like, but I absolutely love writing it and the characters crack me up, to be honest.
I really wanted to write a fic about criminals. But fun criminals, like these guys are. They're not terrible, completely amoral people. They're just... making some money in a not so legal way. Hah, definitely not hardened death eaters. Just some young adults who haven't figured their lives out yet (and who has?).
Lily is such a brat, but I love her for it. She's like that horribly stereotypical teenager with 'angst' and too much eyeliner. But she's also pretty clever, which is fun.
Once again, thank you for the reviews! Your challenge was a lot of fun to write for and I'm glad I got to participate. Next chapter of this one should be up soon! I hope, anyway. I've got finals next week, lol. Report Review
Hi there! Hereís the review you requested, Iím so sorry itís stupidly late. So anyway... I have to admit that I didnít expect to like this as much as I did, or that you would be as good an author as you are, and that is because I think your summary is a little weak. Thereís a lot of expressive punctuation in it, which to me made it seem like the writing would be a little immature. I couldnít have been more wrong, so I think perhaps that is something you should edit a little.
Right. The story. First of all, I love the way you write. Itís a very humorous style, quite witty, and I really liked that. I think it added a great little dimension to the idea of the dodgy dealer, making them seem not quite so bad as the title of Ďdodgy dealerí suggests. I think it also hinted at a great story to come with many more funny moments and made me really want to read on.
However, I do think your dialogue generally was not as strong as your narrative paragraphs. I think the cause of this is that you donít combine your dialogue with the narrative, with your characterís actions and observations. I think that if you threw a few of your narrative lines in amongst the dialogue, it would be much better, much more enjoyable to read and produce a better flow to the story.
So, the plot itself. One thing that made me frown a little was the fact that Cillian was selling unicornís blood at ten Galleons a vial. In HBP, Slughorn says that he could sell unicorn hair at ten Galleons a strand. The blood is going to be much, much harder to get hold of. I also question the likelihood of people actually selling it anyway, considering the idea of killing a unicorn is apparently a major taboo (from what Firenze says in the first book). Iíd suggest that if itís not important to the plot, substitute it for something else, perhaps unicorn hair. I also find it a little odd that Lily, the Ministerís daughter, wants to go and stay with people sheís just met, people, moreover, who frequent Knockturn Alley. True, the characters donít seem all that dangerous, but there is no way that Lily could know that. I get the idea is kinda important to the story, though, so I see why you have included it, I just personally donít think it was the best way to do it.
As to your question about the characters. I think theyíre very interesting. I said above that they donít fit the stereotypical skulker-down-Knockturn-Alley and I like that. The humour as well adds something to Cillianís characterisation. Theyíre likable, which adds a bit of conflict because theyíre obviously not the most moral of people. Iím interested in where the story is going, mainly because of the characters, to be honest. I want to see what happens to them, and if theyíre the ones who kidnap Lily, how that comes about and how they deal with it.
So, overall, I really enjoyed the story and your style of writing. I'm interested as to what happens and how the story develops and will be keeping an eye out for updates. Feel free to re-request a review for further chapters!Author's Response: Oh, don't worry, you are not late at all! You obviously give very in-depth reviews, so it's more than understandable that it would take a few days to get through them.
Hmm, I guess I can see how the summary may come off a little silly or something, but this story is a little silly, so I guess it's not really something I'm overly concerned with. I guess I don't really understand your comment about expressive punctuation, though, because I only used one exclamation point in it, which doesn't seem very excessive. Regardless, I'm glad that you have taken the time to give me all of this critique with the review.
I'm glad you like the way I write! Definitely one of the biggest points of the story is that just because they're making their money off of something illegal doesn't mean that they're bad people. They're pretty fun, really.
I can see how the dialogue doesn't always come off as strong as the narrative. Narrative has always been a stronger point for me; I've always found it easier to capture a wide range of emotions with it.
You know, the currency conversions have always been a bit tricky for me. I did try to find the information regarding what you pointed out about Slughorn, but I couldn't find it online and I don't have the books with me at college, so I had no way of looking it up in there. And yeah, killing a unicorn is definitely taboo, but it is the black market, and you don't necessarily have to kill the unicorn to get some blood from it. In the context of the story, it's definitely a rare item, though. It's not something these people would come across very often, even in their line of work. And they don't get it direct from the source, so to speak. In regards to Lily, well, she doesn't have a whole lot of common sense. Yes, these people are strangers to her, but it doesn't bother her. She's not much for thinking things through - at all. She's definitely an impulsive character and because of these things, she wouldn't really see an issue with her idea. She's risky.
I'm glad you like the characters. They're a lot of fun to write. And yeah, I definitely didn't want them to be stereotypical of what people think criminals like them to be. They're unique in that sense. The explanation of the 'kidnapping' happens in the next chapter, which I think is where the excitement really starts to build.
I'm really pleased that you enjoyed the story and the characters. This was quite the review and I really appreciate it. Thanks! Report Review
HEY ERICA HEY! I'm here, like I promised. I am on top form today!
"Elliott was tall, muscular, and able to thoroughly intimidate just about anyone if he narrowed his eyes, puffed out his chest, and crossed his arms. Of course, if anyone knew him like his friends did, they would realize he was about as scary as a fluffy teddy bear." Sounds an awful lot like a certain Mr Thomas Hardy. I approve whole-heartedly! And for purposes of making myself happy, I will now be his girlfriend Rocky. Cool? Cool.
Harry's the Minister for Magic? Woah...and Lily Potter is bad-ass. I like where this is going already. So many possibilities! And okay, I read this line completely wrong, but it made me laugh: "Oh, shit. Damn. I had no idea. She had her hood up and - bollocks." Well now we know what she's keeping under her hood ;) that is actually disgusting. Why did I even think that? Woe is me!
This is all so mysterious and so new to me. I like it. And oh! Lily is so evil and cunning and I hope she's in Slytherin. (I also rather liked your little mention of 'Ashley', whether or not that was intentional is another thing altogether...)
No puppies shall cry because of me! I am super-duper ;) I am super stoked to read this, it sounds so dark and mysterious and cool. I am not worthy to know you!
Love as always :)Author's Response: DERP (is the face i have right now). HANNAH. I LOVE YOU THANK YOU SO MUCH. Eee -- OMG HPFF DELETED THE REST OF THE REVIEW NOW I HAVE TO RETYPE IT UGH UGH UGH.
Elliott and Tom Hardy are like twins. Except Elliott is black so they're like mind-twins and not real twins. And okay. You can be Rocky. Fair enough.
YOU HAVE RUINED THE PURITY OF THIS STORY. WOE. SO MUCH WOE. I SHALL GO CRY A THOUSAND TEARS NOW. pfft what are we going to do with you hannah? perhaps throw you in the dungeons! mwahaha.
Lily is totes a Slytherin. Idk if it'll ever come up in the story, but she so is. And the mention of Ashley is intentional. He's introduced in the second chapter, yo.
Yay no crying puppies! You are a winner! BTW SCORPEO AND YOUR OLIVER STORY ARE DEF ON MY READING LIST I SWEAR I'LL GET TO THEM SOON.
loveee! Report Review
First chapter in and I'm already in love!! I can tell that this story is gonna be different, funny, a bit crazy, and all around a good read. I loved Lily!! She's all streetsmart, I love it!! :DAuthor's Response: Aww, thank you so much! I'm so pleased that you enjoyed it! I really enjoy writing it :3 Lily is very fun! She's gets even snarkier in the next chapter! Which will hopefully be up soonish. Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
hmmm, very interesting. I'm wondering why she doesn't want to be home, and hoooww she's able to just crash with them for a week without someone thinking something horrible happened to her... I really thought all the details about Unicorn Blood and Polyjuice potion made the story seem more realistic and flow more. This has gotten me quite curious, and I doubt that all the answers are going to just come next chapter lol. I'm sure you'll make it really great with the wonderful start you have here.
Good luck, and thanks for the swap! :DAuthor's Response: Well, she won't be able to crash there for a week without people freaking out. That'll come in the next chapter ;) We'll be learning more about Lily and stuff as the story goes on, most definitely. I'm glad you thought it was a good start! Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
I really enjoyed this chapter. I thought it flowed smoothly and the pace was well balanced. The description was great. It didn't overwhelm your chapter, but gave it a natural boost.
I love, love, love the characters that you have created. I think they are fresh and interesting. They bring another dynamtic to the chapter which is fun to see. I like how you have them characterized to. You don't read a lot about the darker, criminal type characters. I also liked Lily. Oh my gosh is she a great mix between her mother and father. I thought you did a great job bringing that out of her and making her connect with the other characters.
I think the set up is interesting and unique. Like I said I haven't read a lot of stories like this. I like how Lily is threatening to tell and even acts out her fake emotions in front of them. I think this is going to be an intirguing story that takes us on quite the adventure and give us a unique look into the eyes of OC's which I love.
Keep up the great work! =)
-SR17Author's Response: That was fast! Thanks so much for stopping by, i really appreciate it! :D
I'm so glad you like the characters. I happen to adore them, haha. I really love writing Cillian, Elliott, Rocky, and Ashley (who isn't in this chapter but is in the next) because I've never really written criminals like this before. I mean, they're breaking the law, but they aren't like 'bad guys'. They're funny and you know, actually have souls and stuff, haha. And Lily is hilarious to write. I think you're right about her being a good mix between her mom and dad.
I'm really happy that you like the set up and such of the story! It gets a bit more interesting in the next chapter, because we get to see how the wizarding world reacts upon finding out that Lily is 'missing'.
Thank you so, so much!
Erica. Report Review
This is a really interesting fan fic. I love Lily. She's so spunky and sassy and awesome :) You did a great job with all the characterization and its pretty well written. Great job :)Author's Response: I'm glad you think it's interesting! I love Lily, too. She gets even more snarky in the next chapter, too, which is exciting, haha. Thanks so much for reviewing I really appreciate it! Report Review
HAA, LILY IS SO AWFUL. Blackmailing criminals, that is pretty gutsy. I wonder why she doesn't want to go home. Is she running from something? Why's she hiding? Why one week? I MUST KNOW THE ANSWERS TO THESE QUESTIONS. Something tells me that Lily is somewhat fail and she is on a fail rollercoaster of epic proportions and is going to handle everything marvelously badly. She has some smarts because she knew better than to pay fifteen galleons for polyjuice, but she's got to be a bit daft in some areas to suggest staying with a bunch of black-market thugs she doesn't even know. That or she's just really desperate. WHAT IS GOING ON IN LILY'S LIFE TO MAKE HER DO THIS. WHAT DID SHE DO. Maybe she was bluffing and she never would have gone home and told her father. Because that would mean she would have to go home, and she had said before that she didn't want to go home. So she's got to be in some kind of cray situation, what with the polyjuice-wanting and the maybe-bluffing and blackmailing and crashing with seedy strangers. Or maybe she just lurves drama. She sounds like she might be a little bit insane. I actually really like her. She's vastly different from the usual characterization of Lily Potter. I like Cillian as well. Mmm. That's a good name, Cillian. I want to hear more about these mysterious characters!
I AM INTRIGUED. MOAR PLZ. ♥Author's Response: LILY IS SO AWFULLY AWESOME YOU MEAN. Pfft, you ask a lot of questions Soroh. Mostly the answers to all of them are "because Lily is an angsty brat of a teenager". Oh my gosh, Lily is so full of fail. Right down to the gobs of glittery black eyeliner (seriously my favorite thing about her). She's capable of being somewhat witty and intelligent, but she is also capable of being a snotty little teenager with the maturity of a kitten with a ball of yarn. I really like her, too. She's hilarious to write. I just give her snarky dialogue and giggle to myself. NOT GONNA LIE ABOUT IT. Ooh, Cillian. He's supasexy in my head (and I mean he is JGL so obvi). I lurve him. I might go cray and write myself into the story so that I can marry him.
I'll post more soon hopefully! You'll have to convince me to do word races or something. (: Report Review
Nobody wants puppies to cry D:
Anyway I'm so intrigued to see how this story turns out XD You have totally hooked me in on it :D It's so unique and different so good job =D
I also see Lily being just how you described her, playing the little innocent girl, but with a totally 'rebel' personality. She could totally rule the world with that ;}
Ahhh I so want to know what happens next, and why Lily wants the polyjuice potion and to crash somewhere!!!
Anyway great start on your story :D
~BlameItOnTheNarglesAuthor's Response: Noo, nobody wants to make puppies cry! :( What a horrifying thought!
Eek! I'm glad you like it! It's a lot of fun to write. And haha I totally love Lily in this. That's exactly how she is! She'll play all innocent and daddy's girl like, but really she just loves like glittery black eyeliner and being snotty and sarcastic. So much fun!
Thanks so much for reviewing! I really appreciate it! Report Review
First of all, really loved the end of the a/n; I can't stop laughing. But don't let the puppies cry...
Ah, I'm loving Lily. She's usually either a Daddy's girl or more of a rebel - in this she seems more like a bit of both, because of the fake speech and crying even though she's run away... Has she run away? Why has she left? I look forward to finding out. :)
Sam.Author's Response: Haha yes, do not let the puppies cry! Nobody can be happy if the puppies are not happy.
So glad you like Lily because I adore writing her! Haha she is a bit of both. Her daddy's girl image is a bit fake, though. She plays it up like that, but she's an angsty little rebel at heart. And the answers to those questions shall be explained in the next couple chapters! (:
Thanks so much for reviewing! I really appreciate it! Makes my day.
Erica. Report Review
Interesting. I don't think that I've ever read a story like this before - it's nice to see the Potter children in a different light (I like it!)
I loved the characterisation! It was really good and you wrote this first chapter perfectly. You made firm foundations for all the characters, which is brilliant! We know who's who's and what's going to happen :D
Also, I couldn't pick up any grammatical errors which made me want to do a happy dance! :D
Overall, I really enjoyed and good luck with the rest of your story!
JasAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for swapping with me! (:
This Lily II is definitely different! We'll see even more of that in coming chapters. She's pretty bratty and snarky, which is really fun to write. There's a character who is introduced in the second chapter that she has some really funny interactions with.
I'm glad you enjoyed the characterizations. It took me forever to sort of nail down how I wanted them to be and they've all sort of morphed into how they work best for the story, I think.
Haha I'm pretty good about grammar and spelling. Not perfect, but pretty good. (:
Thanks so much! I really appreciate it! Report Review
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