Reading Reviews for Daymare
  
7 Reviews Found

Review #1, by adluvshp Daymare

18th July 2012:
Hey Mike xD

This was a great story. I liked reading it, all action and stuff. The idea of a daymare is cool, though it was more like a 'vision'. I wonder if Remus had any seer blood in him, hehe.
Anyway, I liked your narrative. Remus' characterization was nicely done. I could feel his worry for his friends, his wolf side, his guilt. The fight with Greyback was nicely written too, though I'd have liked more description and detail. The ending was a little abrupt, but it may just be me, since I am used to reading and writing elaborate endings.

Anyway, all in all, a very good story. Nice characterization, good pace, well structured, and well written.

9/10

Cheers!
AD

Slytherin for the Cup 2012.

Author's Response: Hey! xD More reviews, more responses. This is like... My 4th response to you? Anyways, I'm glad you thought it was good! Maybe he does! ;) You never know.

I'm glad you liked his Characterization! And I could've added more detail. Thanks for pointing that out :D

Erm... I suck at endings. It wasn't just you :p

Thanks a lot! :D

Mike.


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Review #2, by DracoFerret11 Daymare

23rd May 2012:
Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums here to review for you! :D So, let's go over things:

Grammar/Spelling: There were a couple of errors towards the beginning (like using "passed" instead of "past"), but nothing too serious.

Characterization: Okay...well. We've got all four Marauders here. So, I'm glad you included Peter! I hate when Marauders Era stories ignore him. And I liked how you characterized him. He may have been a little TOO brave, but I won't complain too much about that. James and Sirius were pretty good as well. I would have thought they would be better wizards, but then again, I'm not sure how old they are at this point (you might want to add that in for clarification!). Remus was okay. I wasn't too sure that he would really be that reckless. And then when he woke up from his daymare, he was STILL reckless, even though he had regretted that when he was asleep. I feel like he would have learned his lesson.

Descriptions: I think you could have focused more on what things looked like, how they smelled, sounded, etc. It would really help make the story "pop" and bring it to life.

Emotions: Again, you could focus more on if they were nervous, how guilty Remus felt for putting his friends in danger, etc.

Plot: Okay, here's where I'm a bit lost. I'm not quite sure what the heck happened. There isn't really a mansion in the Dark Forest, but I can accept that as a writer's liberty. But there are other things that just didn't make a lot of sense. The dialogue between the Marauders and Greyback was very strange. It didn't fit the characters very well and seemed very laid-back. They were battling for their lives! I would think they would have been more serious...

Style: You have a very relaxed style in this story that I feel might benefit if you made it more...serious? Or at least more frantic. It would help emphasize the mood and tone that I think you're looking for.

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh! I think you have the makings of a good story here, you just have to clean it up a bit. :]

--Emily

Author's Response: Hey there! Thanks :D

Alright, I think Remus was alright, I mean with this story I was kinda fooling around with the marauders so ya know :P I think you'd know 7th year just cause they were told about the Order of the Pheonix so :P But I'll add it in if I must! Also, I can see what you mean about Remus but I figured that it's Greyback so he'd want every shot at taking him down that he could.

Descriptions I always have an issue with xD I'll work on that :)

Emotions, I never really think about that when I'm writing (And this was in 3rd person? Can't remember. Usually I write in 1st so :P ) but I'll definitely put more thought into that!

Plot, erm... Well Remus had a daymare, the Marauders fought Greyback, action, some more action, Dumbledore told them about OotP, then repeat :P Although I can see what you mean, but I don't think it was laid-back... But that's just me :) I'll look at that.

Style, I'm not quite sure what you mean about that. How do I seem relaxed and such in this? But I can try to fix that I suppose...

It's fine! :D Thanks for reviewing!

Mike.


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Review #3, by CloakAuror9 Daymare

20th May 2012:
Hey there! Mikey! I am here for your requested review or should I say purchased review.hahahah.

Anyway, I thought you did a REALLY good job with the story. Your action scenes are awesome! Everything made so much sense and it was really fantastic. I couldn't help but bite my lip as I read the story, it was just so on the edge and I just didn't know what to expect next!

I love your characterisation of Remus. Especially how Greyback kind of made Remus lose his edge and finally snap. It was really rather scary!

I think the other reviewers pointed out too many stuff already, so I won't do anything else, but praise you for writing such a great story.

In any case, this was a very great werewolf story and I love your take on it! ♥ woo hoo!

Ta,
CloakAuror9 xx
Recenseo 2012

Author's Response: Hey there! Aha thanks :P

Yay I'm glad my action scenes were awesome, I love writing it so happy it isn't bad! Mwahahaha I make all my scenes exciting, or try to :P
Glad you liked my characterization! :D Also hehe, thanks for looking for stuff :P

THANKS! :D

Mike.


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Review #4, by HPPC Staff Daymare

7th May 2012:
Hello Mike! I'm here on behalf of the entire HPPC Staff to say thank you so much for entering our Ridiculous Challenge! Yay! And you've given us a great entry, too, which is all the better! ^.^

Right from the top I was drawn in by your details. I think you write very lovely bits and pieces that, while not necessary to advance the plot, add a really pretty and more dimensional layer to the story. This one stood out to me: "I lifted my hand and crushed a leaf that had fallen from the tree above me. It crunched like any leaf in the late fall would." - These little sprinkles of detail were really nice to stumble upon.

That said, however, I think that my favorite thing about this fic is how great you are with creating and molding the action that takes place. You built the suspense really well and had me on my toes throughout the story! And all of that happened even though I assumed that it must just be a dream because of the title and therefore my favorite characters weren't actually in any trouble, and yet I still feared for them (specifically Remus cause he's my man ;-)).

As far as the challenge itself goes, I think you used the quote really well! I can't believe you took a quote that was once so funny and turned it into this action-packed adventure with a really dark and scary scenario! Not only that, but you split the quote up into dialogue between two characters, which, odd as it may be, was really cool to see!

The ending was really great and had a nice little twist, too! First off, I really like how you worked the Order of the Phoenix into it, tying your story into a solid canon situation. Also, having gone the entire story assuming that all of the action was simply being dreamed up, it was a real surprise when you told us that while it hadn't happened yet, it was about to! I definitely didn't predict that that would happen, and I love to be surprised!

There were a few technical issues throughout the story, so I figure I should point them out:

"I wretched my arm free from James' grasp and ran off to where I thought Greyback could(would, rather than could?) be,(colon, not comma) the Forbidden Forest." - I think you mean 'wrenched'. 'Wretched' means to be in a bad state of mind; 'wrenched' means to forcibly twist and pull away.

""Remus what are you doing!" - Should be "Remus, what are you doing?"

"After running for a little(comma) I caught site(sight) of someone and ceased running." - Running is a bit repetitive here. I would consider finding a replacement word for one of them.

"I could tell the others we(were) behind me by their heavy breathing and footsteps..."

"Some of the windows were broken,(no comma) and there were many scratches visible(visibly) lined across the walls."

"I felt my heart drop when Peter was knocked down so that only Sirius was the only person capable of fighting any longer." - 'Only' repeats itself; you only need one of them in this sentence.

"Greyback roared before he tackled me, the two of (us) falling down as a direct result."

"I looked over at Sirius, who in my eyes looked like another enemies(enemy) as I was blinded by rage."

So basically there are a lot of little details that got overlooked, which is understandable when writing in such a short time frame like our Challenge had, but you may want to take a minute and comb through the story again, or even find a beta who specializes in being picky about grammar and those little details, because this was a really great story as a whole, it just needs to be tightened up, is all! Overall, though, this story was a very enjoyable read, high energy, thrilling, captivating and all around exciting! So great job, Mike, and thank you again for entering our Challenge!

Author's Response: Hey! "HPPC Staff" *CoughIKnowWhoYouAreCough*
I'm happy you thought my entry was great :D

Usually I'm told I need more details, so you telling me you were drawn by them is a nice confidence boost! I'm glad you thought the action was well molded, that's what I generally love to write so it's awesome that you liked it! Even better that I kept you on your toes. ;)

Never underestimate what a Mike will do with a quote. It'll be used in ways that are generally really dark. *Evil laugh here* The two characters thing was an experimentation type thing so I'm super glad you thought that was good :D

I needed SOMETHING to make it canon... I mean, I felt it was a good moment to tie it in, I dunno :P Also, YAY SURPRISES. That too was a bit of an experiment to see how people would react to that style.

Oof. I'm sorry for all the details and grammar errors I missed! I think I should've re-read it over at least once. Hehe. Thanks though :D And I'll look for a beta :P

Woo! Thanks again! And you're welcome :P It was a fun challenge! (And for HPPC...)

Mike.


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Review #5, by Sapphire_Skies Daymare

23rd April 2012:
Hi there, here’s your review as requested. Sorry it’s ridiculously late. I think this story had a very interesting premise. I liked all the action that was going on but I felt that it all went past a little quickly. The story was over before it even began, and I thought that it was a shame, given everything that is going on. I think that you need to add a bit more description, a bit more detail which would slow the story down and also add to characterisation if you delved into your character’s emotions a little more. The reason I say this is because I didn’t really see Remus in your character. We know he’s usually a pretty level-headed guy, in Snape’s Worst Memory, he’s the one who stays sitting on the ground, he doesn’t jump up to join in the offensive and I would have liked to have seen a little more in this on why he acted the way he did. I don’t think it’s unbelievable, considering that it’s Greyback, but I would have liked to see a little more of his thought processes so I could really get inside his head and see why he was thinking as he was. Emotional connectivity is important in a story.

On the grammatical side of things, you shouldn’t use multiple punctuation, like ?! Either it’s a question, in which you should use the question mark, or an exclamation, in which you should use an exclamation mark. I’ll show you why:

‘“Fun?” I replied angrily. “Fun!? You call that fun?’

The exclamation mark here after your question mark is not necessary. We know Remus is angry because firstly, you say so, secondly, the situation he’s in and thirdly because you repeat the word fun. The reader knows he will be shouting the word in disbelief, so you do not need to emphasise it with an exclamation mark. Also, back to grammar, you should always write out numbers below one hundred in your text, so,

‘“12,” Peter started counting off the werewolves.’

Should be,

‘“Twelve,” Peter started counting off the werewolves.’

Another thing, I didn’t quite understand the ending. Did Remus see into the future, and now it was happening again, and knew that him acting the way he did would put his friends in danger, would act differently? Or was it just foreshadowing and Remus could do nothing about it? I don’t know if you left this deliberately ambiguous, but I felt it would have made a less confusing ending if you had hinted at what was going to happen.

So, all in all, I think you have a story here with a lot of potential. I think it needs a little work in order to slow down the pace of the story, but I do think the idea is a very good one.

Author's Response: Hmm... Thanks for reviewing and sorry for the late reply! Anyways I understand what you mean about slowing it down, which has always been a problem of mine, but... I don't think it is in this story to be honest. Sorry you thought it was a little fast paced, and that my characterization was off a bit.

Grammar is not my forte so thank you for pointing that out! I'll fix it in an edit later on. :)

The ending was made like that on purpose, it's not so much confusing as it is thought provoking no? It's hinted already in the story, but it's vague on purpose.

Thanks for the review again! Even if I don't really agree with it :P Thanks :)

Mike.


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Review #6, by ScorpiusRose17 Daymare

17th April 2012:
Hi there!

This was quite exciting! I thought you did a great job with the action scene. Peter being the one knocked unconscious was very fitting. I also thought that it was befitting that Sirius was the one left standing with Remus in the end. Yes, James is a powerful wizard who will do just about anything once, but he has his limits where Sirius doesn't.

I was kept on edge the entire time reading this. I loved how you had Greyback in there and how he sort of snapped Remus into this out of contol side that we have never seen before. I liked it. It was really neat to see the anger drive through him. Since he is usually depicted as more level headed even though he is part wolf.

I did see one super, minor, nit-picky grammar thing that I thought I would point out...

"James cast a spell, sending a red spark into the air and before long Sirius' and Peter's calls were faintly heard in the distance."

I don't think you need the ' after Sirius in this sentence since the use of Peter's kind of blends the two together in the same thought or posession? Yeah, I warned you it was nit-picky. Just wanted to see what you thought.

Overall, superb job. I love how you wrote this and I loved feeling that angsty feeling.

Keep up the great work! =)

-SR17

Author's Response: Yay! I'm sooo relieved you thought I did well on the action scene and that it was exciting! I thought it was fitting too! Which is why I wrote it :P

Hehe Glad you were kept on edge! And that Greyback bringing out Remus' other side worked!

Ahh alright, I was a little confused on the grammar on what to do there when writing this... thanks for pointing that out! :D

Thank you! :D

Mike.


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Review #7, by BKL8008 Daymare

15th April 2012:
Let's hope it wasn't a glimpse into the future! Daymares suck; been there , done that. Good capture of how they work!

Author's Response: Let's hope so! And they do such. Glad you liked it!

Mike.


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