Hello there, I'm from the common room :D
So... self-harm. I'm impressed by your portrayal of it so far - it's fairly realistic and you've avoided being too dramatic despite, you know, it being a very dramatic topic. So well done on that, especially since you're tackling something most people tend to avoid.
However, I think you could do with some fleshing out of the descriptive details etc., like with what Jchrissy said about the falling-out-of-a-tree thing. I also think that you should probably get yourself a beta for Britpicking and typos (unless the Joneses are American immigrants and I've missed that somehow. It's plausible, I s'pose).
The poetry at the end was a nice touch; it had a decent rhythm to it and the words were emotional.
Anyway, see yer 'round, and happy writing.Author's Response: Hello! Thank you for the review, it means a lot!
I'm glad you enjoyed it! And yes, I didn't have a beta then. BUT I have one now! Though apparently she's too "busy" to send me back the chapters I gave to her. I'll have to tell her once again that fanfiction is MUCH more important tthan homework. Haha!
Shay_Gryff :D Report Review
Hi there. I'm here from review tag.
I read both chapters, just to see what you were going for, because sometimes it's difficult to get a good grip on the story from just the first chapter. Anyway, here are my thoughts:
I think you did an excellent job of introducing your character and her issues in the first chapter. You handled the delicate subject matter well, you gave us a taste of what she was hiding from (the boys' taunting) and you also gave us a clear picture of the moment when she found out about pain and what it meant to her. All of those things were written very well. I don't mind the darkness. If you're going to write a dark story, then so be it. I think your tone was good for the subject matter you are dealing with here.
I saw your second chapter as more of a companion piece to your other story (which I haven't read, so I can't comment further than that), rather than a continuation of this story. I don't have anything against companion pieces; I've done similar things when I'm trying to work out a character for a longer piece. It makes sense. However, since this was a chapter two, I had expected a few more elements that I didn't get. For example, you had introduced Marlene as a "sort of friend" at the beginning of the chapter, and then she got dropped without further explanation after you went into the meat of the scene. I think this chapter would have been stronger with a little mention of how the main character deals with having a friend and how perhaps she may be hiding this other side of herself from Marlene. I didn't get a feel for whether Marlene recognizes the boys as a threat or not, which also would have rounded out the scene a bit more. If you're going for the "I see the good, but I'm hurting too much for it to matter", then I'd like to see more of that side... that there might be other people in her life that she's ignoring because she can't see past her own hurt.
The thing I really liked about this chapter was that you showed the confrontation and got the reader involved in the thing that she's been running from. She doesn't expect anyone to come around and save her and she's willing to endure the scenario alone. So that gives us a clear picture of where she's been coming from. I also think that you have successfully kept your tone consistent with the first chapter, especially with the continuation of her goal of finding different ways to experience the pain. And even though it was gruesome, you did a good job with the descriptions and her conflicted feelings about what she was doing. I liked that you kept her conscious of the fact that this isn't a good thing to do and that she knows she's on the edge of loosing control.
All in all, I think you should be careful with this story to balance the dark with the light so the reader gets a clear picture of the good things in your character's life that she is ignoring. It isn't enough to simply ignore the good things that might be happening around her in your story. I'd rather see that she has options to have friends, talk to someone, discover that someone else might be going through a similar thing, etc. or whatever, and then see that she chooses not to take those options. I guess that's the clearest way of getting your point across.
I hope this has been helpful. Good luck with your next chapter!
pixAuthor's Response: Hello! Thank you so much fr the long review! The extra CCs are good for me!
I'm so glad you liked this! I realise that as of now it doesn't have much of her school life in it, but that will come in about two chapters. Starting year four, each year will be at least three chapters because that's where it catches up to the other story. It's also where most f the main conflict is.
Marlene IS IMPORTANT, later. I think next chapter will start with a conversation between them so you can see more of how Hestia sees the people around her. Honestly, she won't have a happy ending, just a better one. She will always be struggling with her inner darkness. Next chapter will also introduce Most of the good stiff is just stuff we take for granted; friends, family, teachers etc. They all care, and you'll see some of that next chapter.
Again, thank you so much for reviewing! Sorry if I forgot to answer one of your questions/comments!
Shay_Gryff :D Report Review
This was a really emotional piece, you took on a really serious issue and covered it well. I the section regarding her excitement to go to Hogwarts was particularly chilling because it's so different than what most children would be feeling.
You opened up right into the story which is great because it gets the reader interested immediately. I would suggest maybe a bit more detail. When she climbed the tree, dip was really curious as to what *she* was seeing. Was she do nervous that the limb trembled alongside get, did her sisters face go white with worry.. Those kinda of things to give us a really mental image :).
Great start!Author's Response: Hello! Thank you for the review! It means a lot to me!
I'm glad you liked it! A few people have said that it was too dark for them, but I think if it can't be any less dark. I'm so happy you didn't get scarred for life or something like that. ;)
Yeah, detail wasn't great for this chapter. I'm planning on editing this when I have to take my book-long hiatus because, well spoilers would be bad and I need more detail! I'll definantly add in some things.
Again, thank you so much for the lovely review!
Shay_Gryff :D Report Review
interesting story so far! update again soon please!Author's Response: Hello! Thank you for the lovely review!
I can only go up to third year for now (maybe fourth) because if I go any farther (fifth year specificaly) there would be MAJOR spoilers for the next TDaLAS book. I'll do my best though!
Shay_Gryff Report Review
Hi there, I'm here from the Gryffindor Review Tag.
Firstly, loved the title of this - reminded me of the Florence and the Machine song, though I know the phrase has been around long before Florence used it in her song "Shake it Out", but even still, it just made me want to read this, you know?
This was chillingly dark, and really quite disturbing, I didn't particularly like it, but that's not to do with you or your writing, more that I just don't like reading something as disturbing as this, you know?
I thought you conveyed Hestia's feelings really well. The only criticism I can make is that I think you need to justify why Hestia is as self-destructive as she is, I know you say it's because Reg and barty bully her, but I think you need to explore that more and elaborate more on that, just so the extent of Hestia's self-destruction makes more sense you know? Really build up and hit home what Reg and Barty did.
I did think you did a very good job of introducing pain to Hestia's life though, the idea that she should jump from the tree, because it didn't matter if she got hurt, because Mum and Dad could fix the cuts or broken bones with magic, just like that, like it was no big deal at all.
The poem was interesting, did you write it? It was really good!
I just spotted a typo in it:
"Only I know haw [should be how?] I feel about you"
Anyway, good work, a well written, well thought out and very chilling story :-)Author's Response: Hello! Thanks for the lovely review!
I love Florence + the Machine! You have good taste in music!
Yeah, I know it was dark, but I did that to help me with exploring that territory. I'm sorry it was too much for you, but that just made it more real for me. It's not quite realistic, but for me life is full of bad and good, not just good. I also have a friend who was hurting herself and she only saw the bad in the world, so I'm going to make this in a way that makes things that should be good seem like 'oh, yeah it's fine, but I'm hurting inside too much to see it.'
I'll go into Reg and Barty's nasty-ness next chappie, but right now it's going through my new beta so it could take a few weeks to get put up and then school starts, so my updates will be REALLY far apart.
And I'm glad you like the poem! And I did write it. I had a whole month of me writing depressing poetry just for this story. It was hard, but in the end I hope it will be worth it!
And thanks for pointing out the typo! I'll fix it in my big edit after I finish updating. I have 2 more chapters written and six more to go! Wish me inspiration!
Again, thanks for reading and reviewing!
Shay_Gryff :D Report Review
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