I'm back (finally!) to review another crazy chapter!! :)
The sugar quill dream and Roderick's subsequent death are both quite dark for such silliness that abounds! It makes a really cool, hilarious contrast. I didn't see Peony's arrest coming at all--but it definitely makes sense, in a convoluted way. Before that, Peony's new attitude toward men is very spot-on histrionic, and she didn't back down, even when confronted with Blaise's monstrous pecs! Bellatrix's allergy to latex amused me the most, as did the description of Carrow as a toad!
As usual, this was a marvelously ridiculous chapter! :)
~UnluckyStar57Author's Response: Hi there!
Thanks so much for coming back to the silliness! I don't know why, but I seem to enjoy juxtaposing the light and the dark in my writing. Either I have a hidden dark side, or my addiction to Oreo cookies has infiltrated my creative side. Who's to say? In most art forms, I really appreciate contrast.
Oh good! You're the first person to tell me that Peony's arrest surprised you. It was supposed to be surprising, so I'm happy it worked on someone. I'm also incredibly pleased that you found Peony's histronic-ness to be correct. When I wrote her, I knew what I was going for, but I didn't know the "clinical term" for it and ended up researching mental conditions for about two hours. I had hoped I picked the right one. :)
And Bellatrix's allergy... let's just nod and move on.
Carrow's toad-ness was a desperate attempt at adding a quick bout of character development without putting all the effort into giving him too much of a spotlight. If it was entertaining, I am relieved. :)
Thanks so much for another incredible review! Report Review
I hadn't noticed that there's always a weird as hell dream in Mary-Sue fic which is going to vaguely prophecise Something Important until you parodied it. I learnt something new today! Seriously though, I honestly can't wait to see in what random context the glowing green alphabet come up again. Or even if they don't. I'm not very fussy.
The cookie-baking scene was genuinely adorable; Terrence's awareness of Peony's Peonyness and him still kinda liking her anyway is just cute, and I'm actually starting to hope they get together. Because Roderick is obviously cheating on her and Draco is using her. Obviously.
There is a point to this review, which is: your reconstruction of Mary-Sue tropes and blending them with the growing reality of war is nothing short of masterful.Author's Response: Ah, hi there!
Haha! Actually, I had originally intended to use gratuitous flashback sequences, but something inside me tried to die when I attempted it. Hence, the dream sequence appeared. Aww, you liked the glowing green letters! That's cool.
Obviously all of those things are true. :) Because it just couldn't be any other way in a Mary Sue, right? Terrence is the epitome of every girl's dream to... well, that's in the last chapter, so I'll hold off on that instead of giving away spoilers.
Thanks so much for appreciating my story for what it is. I hope you get the chance to come back for more! This review was better than fudge cookies! Report Review
The very first thing I was going to comment on, funnily enough, was the "mouths taste like mouths" thing. I read that, and I was like TRU!! (Yeah, I know... I'm strange.) But really, incorporated into the story like that... So funny!! :)
The next thing? Ariana's love of birds. I like birds myself--in fact, I like to make fake bird hair clips and wear them IN PUBLIC--so I can sympathize with her love of birds. But even I think that finch manicures are just too cruel... Do Peony's finches even love her? She seems to put them through so much... Well-meaning torture?
But I do appreciate the fact that she shielded her bird's eyes when she caught Roderick and Pansy. Birds must not be robbed of their innocence and awesomeness by some illicit romance!!
Ginny and Luna's interaction with Peony was priceless. It's like, rational meets irrational and BANG, weirdness ensues. Especially when they discussed kissing!
Terrence! Where has he gone?! Mary Sue stories hurt my eyes (except for this one, of course!), so I don't read them as a general rule. But I guess plots and subplots have a way of disappearing in the (real) Mary Sue stories?
In any case, I'm quite glad that you mentioned his cookies. I hope to see him in later chapters!!
Another wildly-silly-while-at-the-same-time-being-kind-of-plot-driven chapter! Huzzah!
And also, it made me laugh when I read that you have a few betas helping you out, because it's like they've seen so much Mary Sue that they could write better Mary Sue than all the Mary Sue-ers do!! It must have been quite a hilarious project! :)
I knew the moment that I read that blog that those words had to go into a story somewhere. Sometimes the truth is funny. :)
I like birds to, you know? Not as much as Peony does, obviously, but I have clipped parakeet toes a bunch of times. It's tedious and the birds don't like it much. Yet, it's necessary.
I loved writing about the kissing. It just had to be that way. And don't fret about Terrence. He's still in the story, I promise. Him and his cookies. :)
My betas were extremely helpful with this story. It was quite the hilarious project! And I do have to credit them a lot. I couldn't have come up with all of these scenarios all by myself.
Thanks for another review!
So, I should probably not be so amused by this chapter as I am, because it's kind of dark around the edges!!
You've put in so much juxtaposition between the creepily dark and the sickeningly light that it just makes my head spin... But in a good way, you know? :)
First of all, I pity Peony's finches. She kissed them? Those poor birds! If I were a bird, I would not wish to be kissed! However, Peony is that girl who trips along gaily, not noticing that she's left a burning village behind her. Silly child! She refuses to let go of her innocence, and that's what makes her so Mary Sue-ish. And so hilariously ridiculous!
Also... Lambie?!?!?! Is she schizophrenic?! I think she is, but there's no way of knowing for certain. She could also be bipolar, or suffering from dissociative identity disorder, or some crazy psychological disorder. Psychoanalysts would have a field day with her brand of craziness!!
The insult to Draco: Coconut conditioner? HAH! He's such a little poof! And he obviously has ulterior motives, bringing Peony to Madame Puddifoot's! Quite the little anti-gentleman, isn't he? :)
Madame Puddifoot's: A place of love, sickening love, the place where Peony should have been reunited with her one true love. But the juxataposition between the sickening pink and the horribly Death Eater-y clued me in to something fishy. Peony's innocence is about to be assaulted. Her knight in shining armour is really just a cad. An evil cad. I feel like the sugar quills are kind of a metaphor, but for what, I know not. They represent the innocence of sweet love that Peony used to feel, and now that they've been given away amidst a clamour of explosions, she turns into a harpy. Sad, sad child!
Aberforth: "Expecto Patronum, ya beastly lump o' pillow stuffing!" SUCH a tacky old man, with SUCH a brilliant insult! And he's given the story a twist! What will he ask for? He's like the Big Bad Wolf, conspiring with a jaded Red Riding Hood. It's things like these that make this Mary Sue, too-perfect-for-human-digestion story so awesome, on so many levels!
Anyways, I suppose I've rambled long enough! Happy Easter, and happy writing!!
~UnluckyStar57Author's Response: Aw, it's okay to be amused by this chapter. If you're not, then I would consider it an epic failure on my part.
Yeah, I really liked that part about this story. Lambie was my favorite non-character brainstorm, hands down. She almost had her own character arc, but I didn't want the story to get any longer than it had to. And I did actually mean for Lambie to be magically infused by Peony's stepmother, so I really wasn't going for the psychoanalyst's dream here... though that works too. ;)
I loved playing with Draco too. Sometimes, I get annoyed that he even exists in this fandom. You can't blame a girl for working the pent up malice out of her system, can you?
Oh, I had such a wonderful time making Puddifoots into the wreck that it was. And yes, the sugar quills are symbolic. I'll leave you to take whatever you will from that. It's more fun that way. Haha! I loke your take on them anyway. It fits nicely with Peony's world-view, or rather, lack thereof.
Yeah, and Aberforth is such an underused character. More Aberforth fics!
Thanks so much for your thoughts on this chapter!
pix Report Review
Hello there. Here for your requested review.
Ooh, congratulations on completing your short story =) I think you wrapped it up in a great way, so good job!
Aha I love the way you write him. He is really a brat but I enjoy reading your portrayal of him. It is very much in-character which is saying something for a parody.
Peony's nightmare was very vividly written. I could actually feel her fear which was great. I liked the way she made up her mind finally and decided to fight. It was very mary-sue-ish indeed, haha. Seriously speaking though, I loved how we saw Peony finally grow up over the seven chapters. She comes to terms with the reality here and it couldn't have been a more fitting end.
Over all, I think this final chapter really tied everything in properly. The humour was as always amazing, and I chuckled at a lot of places. Once again (as I have done many times before), I commend you on maintaining such a good balance between the parody/humour side of the story and the main plot.
It was a very dramatic, enjoyable, and well-written story and I enjoyed reading it overall. You're a talented writer, and with a little more polishing of your writing style, you can become one of the best. I'd love to see a non-parody fic from you some day and see how you do =)
Great chapter, and great story. I loved reading it. Thanks for requesting reviews from me!
Thanks for the congrats. This was quite the story to tell. I'm glad you had fun reading it!
I struggled with where to go as far as Peony's character development. My first instinct was to do a deconstruction of sorts, where she gets all dark and angsty, but in the end, I let her be all the Mary Sue she could, and still let her grow up. I'm glad you found the end fitting for her.
I'm so happy that you were able to follow the plot through the whole story and that you felt there was an adequate balance between parody and story. That was my main challenge.
Thanks for reviewing the whole crazy thing! I should dig around on my author's page and see if there's anything else you might find interesting that isn't too long and labored. As far as my writing style goes, every time I write something new, I never know what kind of voice it's going to have. I guess it hasn't settled in just yet.
I really enjoyed your comments and suggestions through all of these chapters. Thanks a bunch!
pix Report Review
Aha! I thought Peony might be doing things at night without realizing it. :) I didn't have any clue that Pansy and her mother might be behind it, though, or that poor Squiggles had actually been killed by raspberry jam.
Pansy's dialog toward the end made me laugh -- "Everyone says it like it's a bad thing. My mother's magic is awesome!" Blaise's flexing and posing also made me laugh.
I've thoroughly enjoyed this story from the beginning, and now I'm looking forward to seeing how it will end. I have no idea how it will wrap up, so it's definitely not too predictable for me. :)Author's Response: Ah, the element of surprise!! Boo! Haha.
Pansy was great fun. She's so nasty here. Blaise was also fun to include, especially the posing.
Oh good. If this story became predictable, then I definitely did something wrong. I'm so happy when someone enjoys the story like this!
Thank you! I can't wait to see what your thoughts are for Peony's epic conclusion.
pix Report Review
Wow. It was quite an enjoyable chapter. Although it is hard to read someone who is so happy all the time. Its also hard to believe this person to be in Slytherin, lol. I didn't see any grammatical errors or misspelled words, the flow was nice and it was very humorous. I love the extremely long title. All in all a good read, quite enjoyable. Good job.
~Celtic~Author's Response: Hey, thanks for coming by and reviewing!
This was definitely a fun thing to write. I'm glad you liked the title and all the silliness that I included. It's definitely a story to not take too seriously.
pix Report Review
How did I feel about this chapter? It's hilarious with the just the right amount of silliness!
I think my favorite part about your story is this chapter title :P "I'm perfect and I know it...but I'm not snobbish at all, because that would be wrong and not at all perfect." Author's Response: Hi there!
Sorry it took me so long to respond to your review. I found the rest of it too, so no worries! I'm glad it had the right amount of silliness mixed in. It was supposed to be incredibly over the top, but still have some kind of plot going on under the surface.
Thanks so much for your review!
pix Report Review
Hi, Elphaba back again, because I really want to see how this story ends, now!
I thought this was an especially funny chapter: Peony giving her finches pedicures, then trying to make Ariana laugh with the story of her wand and ending up dancing in her underwear, the kissing discussion she has with Ginny and Luna and finally rushing off to save Roderick's hypothetical six-toed grandchildren.
The advice that Ginny and Luna giver her is actually really good and needed. I laughed out loud at Ginny's "mouths taste like mouths" line, and Luna's "And on a good day, slightly minty."
I love the gradual transformation that Peony has undergone throughout this story. She's so much of a Sue that she's practically an anti-Sue at this point; it's as if she's pushed so far to the Sue-end of the character spectrum that she's swung back around to the "Not Sue" end. :)Author's Response: You're back!
I apologize for the lateness in this review response. RL, yadda, yadda... anyway...
I love your summary of this chapter. It really highlights the silliness that I infused into it.
Yes, Peony needed some sound advice from someone who wasn't trying to use her or kiss up to her. I thought that Ginny and Luna were the perfect characters to do this for Peony. I credited the "mouths taste like mouths" line in the chapter to a blog I read last year on HPFF that stuck with me. As soon as I read those words, I knew I had to use them somewhere.
I'm not sure that Peony is the anti-Sue yet, but she's definitely trying to reconcile her personal beliefs with the real world. It's a difficult task, but necessary if she wants to survive.
Thanks so much for the review! Report Review
Here for your requested review.
Another fun chapter indeed =) Before I go on about the story, let me say I loved your disclaimer at the end and it made me chuckle. Let's make a list indeed xP
I am enjoying Peony quite a lot and it is sad that her journey comes to an end in the next chapter. She really makes me laugh so much, that I don't know what I'd do after this story is over - no humour in my life!
This was as-ever quite well-written. I enjoyed your characters and setting. Astoria was absolutely revolting and yet cute and crazy and I liked how you wrote her.
And OMG, where do you come up with your amazing lines! "Unrequited love only leads to binge eating, and a proper Slytherin girl should never be caught with her mouth full." I laughed so hard at that, ghosh.
I loved how the plot has "deepened" - it continues to grow in an interesting manner which is great. I think I have said so in my all reviews so far, but really I am so pleased (and astonished) at your ability to maintain a coherent and interesting plot along with your humour, that I always feel the need to appreciate it in all my reviews. I am guilty of thinking that the cohesiveness of the plot may perhaps start taking the back-seat as the story progresses, but you have proved me wrong and I am so happy. I cant wait to see how it all ties together in the end =)
And of course, before I wrap up this review, I must give an honourable mention to Pansy as she definitely enhances the comedy in the scenario. Oh and of course, Snape deserves an honourable mention too! You do write him wonderfully, and I loved his 'role' in this chapter ;)
Once again, no criticism to give you! Good going! Feel free to re-request (as I am sure you will).
(AditiDraco95)Author's Response: Sorry it took me so long to get to this review response. I've had a lot of things on my plate these last few weeks.
Anyway, I'm glad you're enjoying Peony and that she makes you laugh. Poor Astoria got caught in Peony's drama-backlash, but she's a big girl. She can handle it. :)
Unrequited love can make a person crazy. Haha! I don't know where that line came from, honestly. It just popped out and I immediately knew it was a keeper.
I guess this whole story was an exercise in plotting. I had these outrageous characters and this horrid Mary Sue concept, but I still wanted it to be a good story. I'm so happy that you feel the plot has held together so far.
Thanks so much for reading and reviewing my crazy story!
pix Report Review
So. Much. Melodrama!!
Peony is just the same perfect creature as ever, that's for certain! Her mysterious dream is so full of angst that you could make Angst Soup with it, I think!!
As for the sloth "insult"... Bwahahahahahahaha!! Mind if I use that next time I need to insult someone? :)
Really, this chapter was another crazy read. The green graffiti on the wall reminded me of Chamber of Secrets a little, and I wasn't surprised to learn that Terrence has a checklist for things he sees on the crime scene. What a silly detective!!
Does Peony even know how to cook? Her distress was quite evident in the kitchen because the ingredients she took out were barely even edible! There seems to be a clue presenting itself as she mentions the raspberry jam, but Terrence is too caught up in her beauty to really notice it.
Another amazingly cliche and parody-esque chapter! I love it!
(P.S. What if you were writing this with serious intent, and I just insulted you?! That would be quite awkward and sad.) :)
Goodbye for now!
First off, if I were writing this with serious intent, please shoot me now. I can't tell you how many times I had to stop writing just to collect myself off the floor after a good giggle fit. I tried to have at least three good ones every chapter, so if you're at least smiling, then I'm alright. :)
Wow, you thought that dream was angsty?? I've always wondered if I could write angst. I guess I can. Haaha!
Go ahead and use that sloth insult all you want. If it works, let me know. Peony definitely doesn't have a clue in the kitchen, but she's not going to come out and tell anyone that. I'm so glad you are laughing along with me in this chapter. I hope I can persuade you to come back for more.
Thanks for another great review! Report Review
Back again with your requested review and long live fluffy pink unicorns! :D I would have attacked this sooner but I've been busy with actual real life issues that really suck! D':
Anyway, so we're back with Peony and her issues with being perfectly perfect and angsty. I think that the beginning of this with her sugar-quill induced nightmare set up the rest of the chapter very well. I never would have guessed from reading this that she was actually killing people in her dreams, completely not on purpose! That's pretty darn awful but genius, I've never seen that done before so that was really neat! :D
But goodness, she really is starting to see the bigger picture of things. I like that you had her shifting her attention away from charity events and marathons to what's actually happening around her.
When she snapped at Astoria, I don't believe it was simply because she didn't want to hear about boys or see Blaise flexing his muscles. For some reason, that whole little bit with Blaise just had my dying and yes, why didn't anyone ask how he knew about Mrs. Lestrange's allergies with latex? ;)
I think I died laughing right then.
But Terrence showed up soon after I came back to life and what horrible news! Roderick is dead?! And he brought cookies?! Hahaha.
It feels like everything is going downhill for poor Peony but I do like that we got more on what was happening with the case. Very suspicious business and we finally know what killed poor Squiggles! So Pansy though, has been trying to kill Peony for a while now and she got arrested?! How is she going to get out of this one, I'm pretty sure her finch's can't save her now! D':
And Draco is awful, wanting to use Peony but I think he was showing some character by not falling in line with Pansy's idea.
Oh! I shall also say that Pansy and Peony's fight and Snape's advice was hilarious.
So, this ending! What's going to happen now, I wonder? Terrence's bum has been kicked out of Hogwarts, Peony has been convicted of murder and Pansy is related to a hag! Hahahaha.
Very good though, I loved the entire thing and think that this is probably the funniest thing I've read in a long time. No CC's either! :D
And Lambie died! Murdered!! I just thought of that again! Oh, the horror...
First off, you are awesome.
I just had to get that out of the way. I'm so glad you were able to wrestle yourself away from that nasty RL and come back to innocent little Peony and her pretty problems. :)
Ahh, you didn't see that coming? That's awesome! Really. It is. She is starting to understand that the world around her isn't all pink fluffy unicorns and she'd better get with the program or she's gonna be snuffed out like a stub of a candle. That comment by Astoria really is the last straw for her. You are so right. Things have gotten so bad in Peony's world that she can't hide behind her community service projects any longer.
Oh, and there you go again being awesome. I was wondering how many people were going to pick up on Blaise's comment. Can you believe that it took me a LOOONG time to figure out how to sneak that in there and still have a 15+ story? *innocent blink*
Anyway... Terrence is a sweetheart, bringing bad news and cookies like that. I'm pretty sure the finches aren't going to sway Snape at all. Peony is in deep trouble, but not before her valuable dueling lesson. :) I loved writing that part.
Again, I have enjoyed your awesome review! I'm so happy that you are enjoying reading this story. Thanks so much! Report Review
Hi, Elphaba here again!
As expected, this chapter had plenty of moments that made me laugh, like this one: "He's going to soil you, Peony, and you know it." :)
The section with Lambie was funny, but it also made me wonder whether Peony has multiple personality disorder. Could it have been her who put Pansy's bear in the Gryffindor common room, and killed Squiggles and the Gryffindor boys?
There's a lot I liked in this chapter: Peony questions the Death Eaters and gets her feelings hurt, the Slytherins form an anti-DA, and Madam Puddifoots gets smashed up. :) Peony's very silly, but I feel sympathy for her, anyway.
I liked her interaction with Aberforth, too, and laughed at "...now and then I miss the old fart." Aberforth's accent reminded me more of Hagrid's, though, with the "ya's" and "yer's" ... is this intentional?
Either way, I wonder what his proposition will be? I'm going to try and get to the next chapter within the next day or two, because I'm enjoying this story a lot! :)Author's Response:
Lambie was my favorite invention in this whole story. She actually does talk, but it makes Peony look silly when they're having a conversation. Haha! I love that you think Peony would have hard feelings against Pansy's bear!
I didn't intentionally make Aberforth sound like Hagrid. I did want him to come across as a little slushed, so I hope it's alright. that way.
Yay! It's always gratifying when someone enjoys this story. I don't know how it happened, but I sometimes feel a little sympathetic towards Peony too.
Thanks for another great review! I can't wait to see what you think of the next chapter! Report Review
Hello Iím here with you requested review!
You mentioned that Peony gave herself a finch pedicure, I was kind of confused by that, as I wasnít sure whether you meant a French pedicure, or whether this was an actual thing!
It was funny how easily Peony could be bribed into doing anything, as if she could be so easily won over by teacakes and peach marmalade, I dread to think what she would do if she was offered something extravagant as a diamond.
I liked this change in Peony and that she could now stand up against Roderick, and her internal alarm in her, it was nice to see that she was developing some mental strength. I liked her descriptions of the Ďrule breakersí, in her head. It was funny to see them all with a dismissive tone in her head, as weíre all so used to seeing them be good friends.
One quick thing, I thought Dean was in hiding for the whole of 7th year, so I was slightly confused about him being there.
Hahaha I loved that bit when Peony was talking to Arianna. The fact that she took off her underwear, I mean what would possess someone to strip in public? And then for Ginny and Luna to catch her off all people, I thought it was a great twist, and definitely put a spin on Mary-Sue!
I really loved that scene with her and Ginny and Luna afterwards it was nice to see that even though they are meant to enemies they could possibly be friends. I thought that bit about Luna and Neville seemed a bit OTT at first, then the idea grew on me as it seems like some sort of spontaneous kindness she would do!
I liked the bit at the end as well, and how she was trying to fight the thoughts about finding Draco attractive, it made me LOL in my head. You really have made her into a special character, and sheís just lovely and endearing. And also that twist at the end, I wasnít expecting that! Iím glad that she chose the good side instead of the bad, as she does seem to have a nice heart.
I thought this was a great chapter, and it had lots of twists, which I love. Peony really seems to be coming into her own in this chapter, and itís great to see. I just hope her first kiss is with Terrence ;)Author's Response:
Oh, haha! There isn't such a thing as a "finch pedicure". What I meant was that she was giving pedicures to her finches. Maybe I need to clarify that.
I don't know if Peony would do stuff for diamonds or not. That's an interesting proposition, though I'd caution you against propositioning Peony at the improper time.
Yeah, I fudged on Dean. Shhh! Don't tell anyone! I really loved writing the bit with Luna and Ginny. Gosh, people really don't cut Luna any slack, do they? Of course she'd be spontaneous like that. But hey, Luna is so difficult to nail down. I did my best.
I did try to make this as twisty as I could without breaking the Mary Sue mold. I'm glad you appreciated that! Thanks again for another great review! Report Review
Hi again! Here for your requested review. I am going to review as I read along this time, so I hope it doesn't come across as too incoherent!
Peony has a part-time yoga instructor?! Just what was lacking in Miss Perfect's life ;) And oh dear, the horrid situation where tea cakes would become unattainable and students addicted to them would need the passage, definitely a situation of dire need xP The bird goes with her underthings and Ariana wants to see them? I think I might just die of laughing so hard!
Oh dear, poor Peony. Her dreams of a kiss being like honey or candy or cherries or anything else romance-book-cliched are dashed! Ooh and now Miss perfect is going to get into some rule-breaking with Ginny and Luna yay :P
Peony got a whiff of Draco's awesome cologne! *giggle* "Theodore Nott had an alluring Iím-a-loner-and-I-like-to-appear-aloof vibe." I think I am going to die laughing. Peony, just kiss Draco already!!
*gasp* Draco has a dark mark! Peony's perfect world illusions are shattered! And then Rhoderick and Pansy! Oh the terrible has happened.
Lol. Anyway, if you didn't get it already, I enjoyed this chapter immensely. I loved the way things turned out. The ending was just awesome. I am eager to see the plot thicken further, though I understand that you need to have some of these totally humorous chapters too before getting to the main interesting parts. Good work though! Not overdone at all.
The grammar and all was pretty okay. The narrative was enjoyable, and the flow was smooth and nice! I love how you're using all these cliches too!
(AditiDraco95)Author's Response: Hi there!
Poor Peony needs to make sure she's covered in case of an emergency. I'm sure she's just looking out for her future needs. She really will go to great lengths for herself, right? And people wondered why she was in Slytherin!
The main "interesting parts" are indeed coming up very soon. I tried to have some kind of cohesive plot as I went along with all the cliches. I'm glad you found the narrative and flow to be alright. I'm always nervous about that.
Thanks so much for continuing to read this insane story! Report Review
Here for your requested review again!
Haha, I quite enjoyed this chapter too! Ah, poor Peony and her sad romantic life. I do feel so sad for her. And oh the precious sugar quills!
"Heíd promised that he would save his sugar quills for her, just her, and only her, and heíd given away an entire box to everyone else." This had me cracking, haha.
Oh, and of course, Lambie. After the demise of her little house-elf companion, she got herself a new one! How very fitting xP
Well, I don't know much else to say. I think you have the whole thing going on really well. The way the plot is playing out is quite funny, and yet coherent enough (for a Mary-Sue parody at least). Peony's character is downright hilarious, and I enjoyed the way you incorporated the poor guy who broke her heart (all she did was hold hands and eat sugar quills with him after all, cant blame him, but then she's so perfect and she wanted him to be chivalrous! Oh how to decide between the right and wrong)! *giggles* Back to the story, I quite liked the chapter and the "action" in it. The ending was intriguing, and I love the situation you have Peony in.
All in all, you're doing a pretty good job of writing this so keep going.
(AditiDraco95)Author's Response: Hellooo!
I think Lambie was my favorite to write. She almost got her own character arc, but I held myself back. I'm so glad you are finding the plot funny AND coherent. That is clearly my greatest worry.
The "action" was also really fun to write. I think I had some pent up angst-filled china issues to work out. This did the trick.
Thanks so much for your review! Report Review
Hello dear! After having read and reviewed every chapter of this story, the last one seems to have slipped by me like Peony's perfection at the hands of the Great Battle. But you knew and I'm here to right that wrong with your requested review!
I found this last chapter to be very fitting for the whole mood and atmosphere of the story. In the beginning, Peony was given her first true taste of the real world, when not only did people think she was lying, one of the boys she liked tried to kill her! And here I am reviewing the main character of a Mary-Sue parody. Eh, stranger things have happened.
This was a hilarious chapter, as usual and I found myself doubling over in laughter more than once. The artifact of Slytherin was a very nice touch, that showed us just how important the character really is (not that we didn't know that already).
And the truth is finally revealed! And I'm talking about the pronounciation of her name. I guess with a name like that you should marry the only guy who can say it right.
But jokes aside (for a moment), I like how in the end Peony embraced her imperfections and understood that there are more important things in life than homework and little birds. The line that showed me that (and my favorite by the way) was ďI was such a silly little school girl and you were an unhinged, self-absorbed prat." Awww, our little princess is all grown up!
I know you asked if it was over the top, but dear, this is a parody! And the best I've ever read, come to think of it! It's supposed to be over the top, dramatic in a funny way, absurd and simply ridiculous! You humor is amazing and I am in awe of it right now! I wish I were that funny!
So congratulations to you for completing such an amazing and funny story (I guess it's no use trying to beg for a sequel, right?) and I'm looking foward to reading more humor stories from you!
RalAuthor's Response: Hi there! You made it to the end!!
Hahaha! Poor Peony couldn't be perfect enough in the end. And with someone who she'd been almost ready to put lips on trying to kill her, what's a girl to do?? It's alright. I won't tell anyone that you're reviewing a Mary Sue. Your secret is safe with me. ;)
Yes, Terrence is a perfect match for Peony. If you don't think too hard about it. She did finally learn something about herself, and she did eventually grow. I hope that doesn't make her any less a Mary Sue, though. Or maybe it does... at any rate, it was important to the story, so I had to let it happen.
Thanks for appreciating my strange humor and laughing with me about this story. It was incredibly fun to write (and also incredibly irritating at times too) and I'm sincerely glad it's over, so sorry, no sequel. Haha. I'm done. Though I might try my hand at humor again sometime, my next project is shaping up to be "something different". We'll see how that goes.
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Here for your requested review!
I was pleased to read this another very fun-to-read chapter! The ridiculousness in this chapter really had me chuckling a lot and it was great how you threw in all the weirdness/randomness. I am really enjoying reading Terrence particularly xD And of course, Draco is really fun to read too. I love the way you have played around with his character and incorporated him into your plot. And then we have Peony too, her personality is so hilariously crazy in itself, its hard not to enjoy reading her (crazy in a good mary-sue way).
As I mentioned in my previous review (I think), its great that you are maintaining a balance between the humour in the story (or I should say, the parody side of the story) and the actual proper plot that stops the readers from getting bored, good work!
As for whether it is too over the top, nope definitely not. It is over-the-top yes, but in a very good way and if it were any less, the main parody element in your story would go away. I think you have really used so many cliches and mary-sue stuff in a very nice way, so keep going the way it is!
I am not sure what is up with the murder stuff, but it seems like an interesting mix to your crazy plot, so I'd say carry on with it ;) It seems to add an air of suspense to the story, and adds a little seriousness to the over all lightness of things, which is a superb original thing for a parody story like yours.
All in all, I really liked this chapter and I think so far I see the story going in a great direction. I didn't find any errors either, and I have nothing to criticise =)
(AditiDraco95)Author's Response: Hi there!
You are really a trooper for coming back and reviewing again. Thanks so much!
Draco the slimeball is what I was going for here. Also, Terrence the novice detective and Peony who defies all other description beyond perfectly perfect. Haha!
It's so good that you think I've maintained the intensity and balance so far in chapter 3. I keep fearing that every chapter has the potential to go down hill. MAry Sues can get tiresome very quickly.
Thanks so much for another review! Report Review
I'm so sorry that its taken me so long to get back to this story, you'll have to forgive me. :( Real life issues, coupled with me wanting to write more of my work and being just plain lazy have kept me from reading and reviewing very much. :p
But here we are with Peony again and she's as dense and hilarious as ever. I think her little bargain with Aberforth was probably the funniest thing because she just didn't seem to gather that anything more suspicious was going on. Honestly, doing her marathons and such have exhausted her alot and she didn't find anything wrong with helping make a tunnel? Hahahha.
The fact that she was still going on about Roderick was hilarious. She feels not like herself with being jilted and that bit of arrogance and girl-angst was great to read--oh, the feels. Sugar quills weren't enough! Hahaha.
And my goodness, how did you write that little scene with her stripping for Arianna without dying with laughter? That was too funny, I swear I didn't see it coming at all and I like the mention of her finch matching her underthings. Hahhaaha. Peony has so much time on her hands and is always color-cordinated. Hahahhha.
On other bits, I think the fact that she's so self-absorbed and sort of silly keeps this going and lightens up the serious moments very well. The bit with Luna and Ginny were so funny and Peony's thoughts about kisses made me burst out laughing.
Ginny and Luna are just super patient. Hahahha.
Mouths taste like mouths.
I think the last bit with her realizing the full horror of Voldemort's regime was really good. While picking on old people and tax evasion is very serious business, the fact that you tied in actual fear in this really got to me. Comedy is always great with a bit of angst and darkness in my opinion and I hope Peony knows what she's doing when she joins the DA. Will she doom them all? Hahhahaa.
All in all, this was a really good chapter. Still funny and I enjoyed Peony's interaction with Ginny and Luna and the little hint of her interest for Draco.
I'm going to be laughing at this all day.
Much love and thanks for the read,
GabbieAuthor's Response: Hi again!
Don't worry about the RL issues. I have more than my share of those. I'm just glad you're back and reviewing again!
Peony was definitely single-minded during her conversation with Aberforth. She was desperate to get those teacakes, what with Roderick being such a big disappointment. Girl-angst is just what she needed.
That scene with Ariana was something I really challenged myself with. I wanted to include the cliche of the leading lady prancing around in her underwear, but Peony would never do such a thing without good cause. I tried to make it as innocent as possible, to keep her in character. I'm glad you didn't see it coming either. Haha!
If you get a chance, you can look up the blog titled "Mouths taste like mouths", where I borrowed that line from. It was in my head for months before I found a place for it. I asked the author of the blog for permission to use it almost half a year before I finally posted this chapter. I just knew it would have the perfect place in this story.
I hope Peony knows what she's doing with the DA too. We wouldn't want all of that talent to go to waste and lose the war. That would be a shame.
So happy you enjoyed this chapter!
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Hello! Here again for your requested review.
I am quite liking the way this story is going. Usually in parody stories, its hard to maintain balance between humour and normalcy, but I was pleased to see that you managed the balance quite well. The intensity of the plot and the humour of the situation was both maintained.
You characterised Snape quite well too, He acted exactly how I'd imagine him to behave. I am also liking Peony's characterisation, I especially liked how she questioned rules without really deviating from her "ignorant" or I should say clueless personality. Oh, and I also enjoyed Terrence and his thought-processes, quite amusing really. And of course, I loved Draco in this haha. So, I think you've written all your characters pretty well, and the narrative seems to be fun.
The only CC I have is that I felt like the initial few paragraphs were a little too overdone to me - I did laugh at some of the lines - but it felt sort of dragged, so I would just suggest on editing those parts. I'd also suggest that you polish your grammar a little - I know its a parody so people usually dont care about grammar in such stories - but to me it matters a lot. So, it would be great if you could pay some attention to that, especially to your punctuation.
But apart from that, I think its a great story, and you really know what you're doing (which is rarely the case in parody stories). I am not a humour stories person - I love angst and dark stuff a lot more - but I still seem to like the story, so that is saying something xP
All in all, good work.
I'd give this a 8/10!
(AditiDraco95)Author's Response: Hello again!
Whew. I'm glad you felt that the plot and the humor were maintained. I think that's the hardest part about writing a piece like this.
I'd really like to clean this chapter up a bit. Would you mind terribly if I asked you to PM me an example of where I went wrong with my grammar and punctuation? I don't mean the whole thing, maybe just one spot so I can see what you mean... it would be very helpful if you could do that.
Thanks so much for another review! Report Review
Hello! Iím here with your requested review!
As you wanted to know my thoughts about Roderick, Iíll say them now, before Iíve read ahead! I assumed that he was never into Peony that much, given the age gap, and that he may have been using her. Also he could possibly be a death eater; Iíll guess Iíll found out in this chapter!
I was a little confused about the lamb at first, as I was unsure about where it came from. But, when you mentioned it came from the pillow the idea grew on me, and it seemed very befitting of the magical world. It was funny to see that Peony was seriously getting advice from an inanimate object, even if the said object could talk!
The way Peony talks about her relationship with Roderick, seems a little too perfect and superficial, I guess like a Mary-Sue really! Iím begin to wonder whether my predictions are right after all, I mean seriously, would any guy really put up with walks in cherry trees? He must have an ulterior motive, or maybe this is just me being a pessimist!
I can see her troubled background remerging again! Of course it had to given the story is based on Mary-Sueisms! I wonder whether this will be explored in more depth, as when you did mention it before, it was very entertaining, and so it would be nice to see it again!
Haha I love Draco in this story! The fact that he wears coconut condition surprised me, as I would have had him down as more of a mint or tea tree scented guy! I wonder whether he will make a move Peony or stay true to Pansy. It would be funny if he did, and I guess it would go along with the whole Mary-Sue thing of having the guys throw themselves at her!
I certainly did not expect the meeting to be about SADA, I thought it would be a death eater initiation ceremony or something more evil! I guess that they are using unforgivable though, and that it was pretty evil. Itís funny to see someone as innocent and sweet as Peony mixed up in it all, especially as she helped them with not telling Luna off! Poor Peony she never seems to really know whatís going on!
You did the scene where Peony got crushed very well, poor her and not eating any sugar quills was all for nothing. I can see that she got treated harshly by someone she thought she loved, and now itís time for Terrence to step in and save her! I think they would make a sweet couple him being so awkward, and her being so confident!
I liked that scene at the end with Aberforth, I wasnít expecting him to turn up in this story, so that was a nice inclusion! And I guess that she isnít going down the dark side after, and is joining forcing with the DA!
Anyway I thought it was another awesome chapter! I didnít find any parts were too OTT, Peony and her letter writing were verging on it a bit, but you managed to pull it back, to not make it too ridiculous! Even if it was ridiculous it would still be hilarious! Iím glad that I finally got to meet Roderick, and he was kind of what I expected him to be like! Kiana:DAuthor's Response: You are so good to me!
I thought the coconut conditioner would bring out Draco's softer side, y'know? He's so secure in his manhood that he doesn't feel threatened by fruity, tropical scents. I mean, if that's what you really like, you should go for it.
Wow, you really nailed Roderick. He wasn't meant to be much of a mystery, but poor Peony just had him all wrapped up in her dream world. Don't feel bad for thinking you're a pessimist. I deliberately chose the most ridiculous scenarios I could think of. I guess it might not have been so ridiculous say, if Roderick loved cherry trees or his dad had an orchard or something... but no. I'm not saying he's a bad guy (if you overlook his Death Eater tendencies).
Death Eater initiation ceremonies are so passe... haha! I'm glad it was unexpected, and no, Peony didn't know what she was getting herself into. Aberforth was really fun to have against Peony in that scene. Someone's gotta knock some sense into that girl after all.
Again, I am relieved that it wasn't too OTT and that you were interested in Roderick. I couldn't build him up and then not include him in the story. That would have been mean.
Thanks for another awesome review! Report Review
Hey itís patronus_charm with your requested review!
I love Astoria sheís just so annoying and girly thatís its simply hilarious. I mean this line - ďThink of how infectiously cute our children will be!Ē You can just see her as one of those fan girls who obsess over their crush, and everyone else realises that they probably wonít ever get together!
One thing that did seem a little weird was that Astoria was the only Slytherin 5th year. Surely as theyíre basically all pureblooded in that house they wouldnít need to go into hiding or leave the school? I just assumed that Slytherin would have been one of the more populated houses compared to the other three.
I love how you include those little things which just make Peony such a Mary-Sue! I mean the fact that she does a triathlon, and she doesnít seem to mind that much. In my mind a triathlon equals something close to torture! But the way you portray Peony, and the fact that these little things are subtle, still mean that you like her, and donít find her too annoying, which is great, as otherwise I donít think I could carry on reading!
It was nice to see that Peony had some sympathy towards the Gryffindorís and that she doesnít entirely hate them. That little Neville mention was really nice:) And her craving for tea cakes made me laugh, why them out of anything? Though I have to admit they are very nice!
I did notice at times there should have been a comma in places, such as after ďCarrowsĒ as it was direct speech. Also there were a couple of longer sentences which could have been broken up with one:)
Iím guessing the fact that she reported what Squiggleís said may have led to the elfís death? Sheís such a sticker to the rules, and so naÔve at times as well, I guess Peony just didnít realise how much trouble she could cause if she mentioned it. Itís probably good that she likes sticking to the rules though, as those tea cakes would have been awful otherwise.
And yay more Peony/Terence scenes. Terrence is just delightfully awkward and lovely, you canít but help like him, as they seem quite different to one another, yet he still hopes he stands a chance. And Peony is infallibly kind to him!
When Draco approached Peony I thought at first he was going to make a move and ask her out, but no. Iím intrigued about whatís going to happen at this gathering, it sounds very exciting. We also get to finally meet this famous Roderick, I almost forgot about him I have to admit. Iím excited to see whether my assumptions about him are proven correct or not!
A great chapter, and some lovely Mary-Sue moments! Feel free to re-request, Kiana :DAuthor's Response: Hi again!
Poor Astoria is the girliest girl I could conceive of. And yeah, it's weird that she's the only 5th year in the story. But I didn't want to be bogged down with too many characters. Maybe next time, I'll expand my cast.
Triathlons are pretty much torture, but there's a big emotional payoff in the end. Peony isn't one to brag, because that would make her seem self-centered... I'm so happy you are finding Peony bearable. I wondered many times while writing this if I was going over the edge too far.
I'll have to look for those comma places. Thanks! I had a great time writing Terrence here. He's sensible, yet still I guess awkward is the best word here. And Draco was fun too. I had him pictured as the slimiest slimeball imaginable while writing this, but poor Peony can't help but think things she isn't supposed to when she's around him.
Ooohh, you have to tell me what your assumptions were about Roderick! *is very curious*
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Hey it's patronus_charm with your review!
It was nice to see that they were investigating the house elf's death, even though Hermione probably hasn't passed her pro elf laws yet, so it was nice to see that the magical creatures are still being looked after!
I thought your characterisation of Snape was spot on, the way you wrote him was great, as you managed to convey his exact feelings of everyone being beneath him, and the part of Hagrid having not being able to miss a meal due to his blood sugar, made me laugh!
I love the Mary-Sue overload it's great to read, the way she made friends with the elf, and has great grades, she's so annoyingly nice and perfect, that it's just hilarious to read, and just the more and more excessive it gets, the better it also gets!
I'm guessing there's something going in between Terrence and Peony, with all the blushing, and remarks about pretty girls! Wahaha of course the Mary-Sue ends up with the good guy!
I loved the idea of Muggle hierachy, not the practise of it, obviously! But, I always did wonder what they taught in the Muggle Studies in the trios 7th year, so I thought this fit in perfectly if the lesson was being taught by a death eater.
It was nice to see that Peony was in awe of Luna, as I would have imagined that most people thought of her as a strange little thing, but I guess her being a Mary-Sue they love everyone, including the odd ones, so that is a benefit of being one, as they're nice to everyone!
Then the canon fact about Neville questioning the Carrow's blood, I didn't expect it to pop up here, even though there were all the signs, so this was a nice inclusion, as canon facts always make the story that little bit more believable and better.
And the graffiti at the end made me laugh, and it was perfectly done, it made me want to join in with all the rebelling against the regime, which Peony is oblivious of!
A great chapter I thought, full of loveable Mary-Sue moments, and it also provided a lot of laughs! Keep it up, Kiana :DAuthor's Response: Patronus_charm is here!
But of course someone has to investigate a death, even if they do send a newbie detective in training to do it. It's the thought that counts, right?
Mary-Sues need their knights in shining armor too, hehe. But in the meantime, I thought I'd give Peony something serious to chew on in Muggle Studies. She loves everyone too, even Luna. But really, what's not to admire about Luna? She's got it all.
I'm glad you enjoyed this chapter and didn't think it was overly silly. That's the one thing I was so afraid of when writing this: that the hilarity would run dry and it would just end up being stupid after a while.
Thanks again for another great review! Report Review
Hey it's patronus_charm with your review, I'm glad that you requested this story, as I've always been meaning to read it, and never having the time, so reviewing this is great!
I knew straight away from the first paragraph that this story would keep me laughing through out, I think the reason was due to the quote 'Lord Voldemortís minions', it just seemed funny that these were running rampant around the school, and this contrasted well with Peony's thoughts, which were generally fluff, so that was funny to read ;D
I loved her first year essay, as it showed the rather snobbish nature of pure bloods, especially with her name! Poor her, those purebloods always have to go around giving annoying names to pronounce!
You put capital letters in some places where I felt they didn't need to be there e.g. headmaster, prefect, it was just a minor thing really, but something which you may wish to correct:)
I thought it was a nice idea to make Peony and Astoria friends, as you never really see much about Astoria's days at Hogwarts so it was nice to see her here!
I'm intriguied by the dark past, as it was just so funny the way Peony was thinking about it, you just wanted to see what her step-mothers reasons for doing so were, as no doubt they would be hilarious!
Even though it was silly I found it hilarious, especially the way she made kissy noises to her finches, as this is parody of Mary-Sue's it was definitely not over done, as that's the point of them, to over do the cliches, as it brings to light how often they appear, and how sometimes bad they are, so I thought the silliness was great!
The presents that the other houses gave were great, but I think that my favourite was the Ravenclaw one, I mean - 'motivational haikus', how on earth did you come up with that? It was just hilarious to imagine the Ravenclaws reading or writing these before exams so it would motivate them to revise! They're just adorable nerds really!
I personally don't think the plot is overdone, though I've come across a lot of parodies, I've never come across one like this, so I thought it brought a refreshing change to my usual reading list!
And the chapter title, awesome is all I can say! As that's what I'd probably think of Peony if I met her!
Summary wise, I'm terrible at them so sorry I can't help there, but I do think there is a topic about it in the forums, so that may help you:)
Overall I thought this was a great chapter, as it made me laugh through out, and it was a really unique idea, and I loved it! Kiana :DAuthor's Response: Hi there!
I'll take a look at those capital letters again. I thought I'd gotten that taken care of. The silliness could go really off the board, so I'm glad you found it funny. I'm also relieved that you didn't find the plot overdone.
I'm not sure what made me think of motivational haikus. I just know that if anyone would do it, a Ravenclaw would. :)
Yeah, the summary is my worst thing ever. So are chapter titles and summaries, which is why I decided to go for it and make them as ridiculous as I could muster.
Thanks so much for your thoughts! I hope you can come back for more.
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Hey!! Here for your requested review =)
Haha, this was a lovely first chapter to the story, certainly different from everything I've ever read so far on the site (but of course that's not a vast limit, since I mostly stick to angst and stuff).
Anyway, to start off with your concerns, I think you used the Mary Sue traits perfectly! I think Peony is extremely Mary Sue, and probably no other character can get as much Mary Sue as her, so I see how you won the first place in the challenge xD
The chapter was most certainly over-the-top, quite ridiculous in ways, and had a couple of cliches, but it all gave the story this humorous edge that totally went along with the theme, and I enjoyed it in a way! After all, the entire point of this story is to be over-the-top, so of course this opening chapter did a great job of it!
I think you've used all the main characteristics of Mary sue cliche stories and made them into a great parody, yet maintained a certain kind of originality, or I should say given it your own "different" feel, as well, which is good. Basically, what I am trying to say is, despite this being a parody-ish story, you have maintained a coherent plot concept which is commendable. The twist with Squiggles' death (and judging by the summary, more upcoming deaths too) is a nice touch to give the story a flavour of comprehension, sense, and originality, so it works alongside the Mary Sue parody theme, without getting boring or annoying to read.
The flow was pretty smooth, and the grammar was okay too except for the misplaced punctuation in the dialogues in a few places which I suggest you correct by re-reading or getting a beta =)
Apart from that, I don't have any CC to give you. This made for a queer funny read, and I liked it. It is not usually the kind of thing I read, but I enjoyed it nonetheless!
(AditiDraco95)Author's Response: Hi there!
I'm glad you found the Mary Sue traits to be used appropriately. I really tried to go all out, and still make this story my own, while staying true to the cliche' factory. I know that seems a bit counter intuitive, but then this story is rather queer in that sense.
I'll look into the misplaced punctuation in the dialogue tags. Right now, all I see is a bunch of overused exclamation marks, which were on purpose. If you found other punctuation issues, I'd love it if you could point those out to me. I like to be clean.
Thanks so much for your review! I might bug you for another, if that's alright. ;) Report Review
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