I think Mila's a little crazy to leave her son in the hands of James Sirius Potter! Just like your summary said, James might as well be Jacob's baby friend.
The pace of this was very quick and I liked that. I like stories that totlly engulf me and reading is quick and swift and exciting. i also laughed in some places, like when Al turned up being bald and they wanted to draw a nipple on his head, making it look like a boob. That just about cracked me up!
I think some people already mentioned this, but the overuse of mate was a little annoying, but then...some groups of people tend to overuse some word or expression in real life, too. It's annoying as hell, but it happens, so yeah :D
I have to say I'm curious to see how James will handle this, together with his crazy friends. It's bound to be funny, although I still find it strange that Mila would give her son to James since they've never met and she can't be sure whether James is responsible enough. Maybe you should've said he was her last option?
Anyway, let me know when the next chapter is up, that will sure be a blast. Also, what will the grandparents Potters say? :D haha, I can't wait for that! Report Review
I'm here for the review swap - I'm so sorry for the delay! Work got in the way!
This was a cute first chapter. Your characterisations were clear and the relationship between Scorpius and James was easy-going and realistic to 20 year old males. I like how slow James was on the uptake - it was asif he was still slightly drunk (which chances are, he would be) and made the scene much more authentic.
Lorcan was easily my favourite character. He was just so random - appearing from a wardrobe and claiming to be their new best friend. (Though I was slightly confused - wouldn't James know who he was due to his sister being names after Luna?)
The spacing is a little distracting - but I had loads of issue with it at first as well :) It's easier if you use the 'simple editor' whilst uploading your stories as it gets rid of any peculiar spacing that happens regularly - you just have to add the codes i.e. < .i. >italic< ./i. > < .b. >Bold< ./i. > (remove all full stops and spaces;). )
An interesting start and it'll be interesting to see where this goes! :)
Keira Report Review
So sorry this is late!
Hey, this is an interesting start!
I think you have some great ideas and the characters are really nicely described as well. I love the idea of them being drunk and then trying to piece together what happened the night before.
You may want to edit the format cause it's a bit distracting with all the large gaps!
Other then that I think this is really good and it could be a really great story!
Great job-10/10 Report Review
I found this first chapter to be rather funny! I loved the characterizations.. you had something different for each person and that was nice to see. One thing I wasn't sure about was James and them not knowing Lorcan being that Lily is named after their mom but thats not really a big deal it just seemed odd to me. I loved how you introduced Lorcan to the story though, having him hiding in James closet.. well more like sleeping there but anyways it was great.
One thing you might want to do for this piece is to make the gaps between paragraphs shorter because it makes the story look even longer which could throw off some people. Also you could possibly chop this first chapter in half though its not needed but I think a lot of people might not want to read something with really long chapters (though again its not needed as it is really funny anda good chapter). I couldn't help but notice that you use the word fudge a lot and I think that in some cases either replacing it or getting rid of it all together could actually make the sentence sound better to me. I think with this sentence, "There’s a very pretty girl stood there, no older than twenty with long blonde hair." It would either be standing there or you could even elimante the word stood/standing and just have it say there's a very pretty girl there. Here is another instance where you use stood instead of standing, "Scorpius is stood at the front door, still in his boxers."
On the whole, I really liked the first chapter. I think that this story has great promise to be rather funny and interesting. I love that you have James and Scorpius as friends as thats something different and I haven't seen that before! I really enjoyed this! Great Job!
~Slytherinchica08~ Report Review
Hello, I'm here with your requested review. And I apologise for having taken this long to come here.
Anyway... I think you write humour very well. You've got some very funny scenes in here and a character like Lorcan who just makes everything funny and reflects how drunk the boys were the previous night, even if they don't remember it.
I don't think I've ever read a story where James and Scorpius are best friends, and I think the outlook you have here is quite refreshing.
As for the writing style... I think the grammar was good all over the chapter. Nonetheless, I felt as though there were way too many 'shiz's and 'fudge's that it started to get distracting and heavily forceful. I can tell that you're trying to show that James is immature, but immaturity can be shown in many ways other than just language.
For characterisation, at some points, I felt like they were acting too immaturely for their age. Though this is perhaps something you want to show, that James and those boys are hardly ready for taking care of a baby, I felt that it became a bit unrealistic.
Despite that, I think you handled dialogue well and made the humour prominent yet not overbearing. And that's great!
Anyway, I think this is a pretty good first chapter and you've got some very interesting aspects introduced in it. Well done and good luck with the rest of the story! :D
-Manno Report Review
Hello! Here for your review!
Okay, humor wise, I think you have something really good because there was a handful of times that I was literally laughing out load. But, you do have a few things going on that take from that. I get that you are trying to show how immature these boys are with your use of words, but there are just a bit too many fudge and shiz's. It doesn't feel realistic, and no matter how immature someone is they would have a lot more severe words to say in this situation.
I love that you have so many different things going on, and Lorcan was so funny! I am totally reminded me of The Hangover, with Lorcan as the want to be best friend. Seriously great mix of characters.
Your interactions are natural, which I see a lot of people having problems with in humor. I think that you could cut down a lot on the 'mates,' though.
Your writing style is very easy to read and you do a great job with dialogue, which is good because there was a lot of that in this chapter.
I think what you could really work on is imagery and maybe more realistic responses. I mean, this is meant to be over dramatized for the humor purposes, which is great. But the way they react with their word choices just seems a bit too subdued. I'm also excited to see what possibly took Mila away from her nearly new born.
Again, in a humor fic it can be more fun and unrealistic, but you don't want your writing style to suffer because of that. I think, for the most part, it's strong. But those things I mentioned earlier could be worked on :). Also, your formatting is a little off leaving huge spaces between lines which does get distracting.
Very interesting first chapter, great job! I hope this review was helpful!
Jami Report Review
My guess is that Scorpius got Rose's name tatooed onto his arm! James said it was a name, and he had already commented on the gooey looks that Scorpius gives Rose, so that's my educated guess!
I think you have a really interesting premise for a story here. Especially because what you have isn't really a pregnancy story, but a baby story, which is kind of different.
You've broken a few of the usual stereotypes within next gen stories here. Instead of Scorpius and Al being friends, you have it as Scorpius and James, which is interesting. I LOVE that Al is the one with the fiery temper, because it's a different portrayal of him than we usually get, and it adds to his interest level as a character.
My only concern would be, if your story is already rated Mature, I would recommend changing some of the "fudge" to something different, even if not some of the more extreme curse words. Anything else really. It was a bit distracting how frequently it popped up in the chapter, and I think even just that change would be a big improvement.
~Cassie Report Review
I really like this story so far! It's really original! I definitely saw it coming when she casually left. Haha I can't wait to see more!Author's Response: Hey!
Aw thankyou for the lovely review, I'm glad you liked it.
I'm loving this story and you've only published chapter one!
I love how this chapter was full of craziness- I was hooked from the start!
All of the relationships of each character to another are different to what they are normally like (normally Al+Scorp are best friends, James+Fred, etc) which is a refreshing change!
Also, I love how you have put a new twist on the "baby story" genre.
I wonder, is Scorpius's tattoo Rose's name?Author's Response: Aw haha thankyou, I'm really glad that you enjoyed this. Change and originality was exactly what I was going for with this so I'm glad that it came off. An update for chapter two might not come for another three weeks because I'm extremely busy at the minute but hopefully there'll be a lot more chapters up in the summer.
Thanks for the lovely review!
x-Jessiesgirl-x Report Review
oh my god, i wonder how james will cope, ha that should be fun, I wonder why she left? hmm curious
I can't wait to read more :)
p.s how old is jacob meant to beAuthor's Response: Well he would have been conceived around about 17 months prior to the time this chapter is set so I'd say he'd be about eight months old. I'm really glad you liked this and I'll try to update as soon as possible. Thanks for the lovely review!
JessiesGirl Report Review
im guessing scorpius's tattoo says: Rose
good chapter! keen to read more of the story soon!
Mila is a bit unresponsible!
please update ASAP!Author's Response: Aha you may be right there, we'll have to wait and see in chapter two won't we ;)
I'm really glad that you liked this; I will try to update as soon as possible but I'm very busy with work at the moment. And hmm, I wouldn't necessarily say she was irresponsible, just a young mum who's been put through a lot. You'll see a lot more of her in the second half of the story so hopefully she'll get the chance to redeem herself ;)
Thankyou for the lovely review!
JessiesGirl Report Review
That was hilarious. I loved it.
Lorcan in the closet was defiantly my favorite part. I love bald Al as well. I can't wait for the rest of itAuthor's Response: Hey there!
Ah thankyou, I'm very glad that you enjoyed it and that it made you laugh. And yes haha I had a particularly fun time writing that part. Updates may be a little slow for the first few chapters of this story because I'm currently having to focus a lot on my AS exams but I will try to get the next chapter up as soon as possible. Thanks for reviewing, it was great to hear from you!
JessiesGirl Report Review
Bald Al and tattooed Scorpius. Sounds like an album cover!
I'll wager an ordinary guess and say his tattoo is a scorpion. James, Scorpius, and Al were all very funny, interchanging humorous lines that didn't seem forced or contrived at all. Scorpius, in particular, shines as he balances traditional Pureblood thinking with less malicious jokes than I imagine Draco would have delivered. James is a bit over the top for me (how can anyone possibly be so conceited), but it sort of works and I can overlook a little bit of the craziness if he's just hamming it up.
Lorcan is also a funny and weird character and a good way to introduce different characters and weave in some exposition without just stating it in paragraphs. You have a very deceptive way of informing the readers what happened without bashing us over the head and I applaud the discretion. Towards the end of the chapter where there's more dialogue, the formatting is tough to read and might be something you want to take a look at for a re-edit. Merlin knows I run into the same problems though. Something about the site's editor just doesn't like me.
The only quibble I had was James' and everyone else's avoidance of profanity. Here you have three guys in their 20's, smashed with tattoos, bald heads, and a out of wedlock baby and all they can is fudge and shiz? I know you might have had to do it for rating purposes, but it really throws off their character and undersells their wild sides. Maybe once or twice, it would have been okay, but it becomes distracting when I'm trying to believe they're these party boys.
Other than that, an interesting start on what could have been a very usual trope, but luckily, you pull it off very well!Author's Response: Hey, aw thankyou for reviewing. I see what you mean about the language but by using words like 'fudge' and so on I was really trying to enhance how childish James still is despite the fact he goes out and drinks and so on - but it's a good point you make, I'll look at decreasing the number of times he uses words like that. And ah yes, I was in such a hurry to get it into the queue after I'd read it that I wasn't really focusing on getting all of the mistakes so i'll definitely look at getting them edited as well.
Thankyou so much for the lovely review!!!
JessiesGirl Report Review
Okay, this story is hilarious!!! XD I love it, it's like one of those cheesy sitcoms you see on TV! :}
My favourite character would so have to be Lorcan, I mean can you get any funnier?! Finding him in a wardrobe? I was in stitches, not going to lie ;D
I can't wait to see what happens next, I bet it'll be something like the Hangover haha XD
Update again soon :}
~BlameItOnTheNarglesAuthor's Response: Hey, omg first review yayyy haha! Aw thankyou so much; I'm really glad you liked it and you found it funny. There's so much more I have planned for Lorcan. He's not had much dialogue in this chapter because he isn't the major focus at the moment but as you get to know him a bit better I think you'll really like him. He's actually extremely sweet, just a bit weird haha. Thankyou so much for reviewing, it was great to hear what you thought about it =D
JessiesGirl Report Review
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