Hi! Here with your requested review :)
OH MY GOD WHO IS ON YOUR BANNER AND WHY IS HE NOT MY HUSBAND? He's adorable. Well, the banner is lovely either way. :p
Okay, keeping a professional tone..
I loved the beginning of this; how you went into detail about how much attention Albus gets from being Harry's kid, and how badly he loathes it. He has obtained Harry's modesty in such a sweet way; in the first two paragraphs you had me loving him already. Also, it fleshed out Albus in a way that gave the reader not only an instant idea of the 'theme' of your story, but it gave instant characterization in a very creative way.
You asked me to give you my impression of your OC so my very first thought was "Malfoy...?" Is she Scorpius' twin or sister? Next idea was she's quite adorable. I kind of just want to reach through the computer and shake Albus a little; he compliments her, and he's confused on why she's blushing? *rolls eyes* boys.. As far as the fact that this is the first chapter, I really don't think you have to be too worried about her characterization. Being that this is from Al's point of view and that he's known her for so long, it seems like it's natural for him not to describe her in too much detail, instead commenting on things he already has established with her.
Again, so far I don't think you have anything to be worried about. If it's something that still concerns you there is a topic on the forums called 'The OC workshop' in writers resources that has a huge list of facts to fill out about your original character. It really helped me a lot in getting into the head of the OC I'm writing; I'd check that out.
You have a lovely set up of their feelings for eachother. (Which I'm going to guess are totally there.) The part at the end was so adorably written with him 'asking her to Hogsmeade', but forcing himself to babble on about it to remain casual.
I can't really give you much on the flow at the current moment as this is only the first chapter, but I think your transitions went fine from explaining Al's first year/sorting to bringing us into present day seventh year. One thing to keep in mind is they are going to school, they are going to class. While you did show that here sometimes it helps by writing out classes; it really gives you a chance to dig deeper into your characters personalities by writing how they interact with their peers while digging through the dirt in Herbology, measuring out ingredients in potions, etc. Just an idea to keep in mind :)
Really fantastic first chapter dear. Their mannerisms around eachother are very well written, and from the beginning you have a lovely set up to Albus' story. Please don't hesitate to re-request when you get the next chapter up!Author's Response: Thanks for coming by! His name is Kevin McHale and apparently he's on Glee? I saw him in a commercial and thought he would make an awesome Albus. XD Thank-you. It is one of the favourites I've made.
I'm glad you like Albus. It has been a while since writing Next-Gen, and even when I did I didn't venture past Scorose so this is new for me.
Yes, she is Scorpius' twin. I know it's not the 'norm' but in my head canon Draco and Astoria have two children. Boy and a girl. Just to break "the cycle" kind of thing, you know? Oh, Albus is a clueless little thing. It's endearing.. But sometime a little annoying. I want to shake him too, it's pretty funny.
I might have to try out that OC Workshop if she gives me any grief. I've never been the kind for character maps but you never know, right? Thanks.
I had a bit of trouble with the ending. I wasn't sure if it was right enough, so I'm glad you enjoyed it. I didn't want things to get off so awkward in the beginning because I wanted to set the stage for their awesome friendship.. Nothing else worked so I had to go for it.
I was planning for them to be in a class in the next chapter, but thanks for pointing it out. It's been a while since I've written anything except Post-Hogwarts so it'll be a bit strange. I suspect, though, that once I shake the rust off I'll be golden.
I'm really glad you liked it. I will definitely come back once the next chapter is up. (:
Hmmm mmm. How interesting!
Nice introduction to Albus' life and character! From the moment I read the epilogue, I knew he was the shy, nice and smart kind of guy. There aren't a lot of boys like that so it's cool he's, and please correct if I'm wrong, kind of an outcast giving him more depth, and not like James, who has been described by Jo herself as the next Hogwarts charming pranker.
Also, Cass seems also a pretty interesting character, and I loved how they became friends :3 Now, do I sense a little romance coming there? If it's the case, you have to be very careful as how you handle it. My best guy friend has been it for like ten years, but trust me, I could never, EVER fall in love with him. He's like part of my family, and even thinking of it now is way too weird :S These kind of relationships are not so unusual though, but you should still take it smoothly.
Overall the flow is good, and imagery also, even if simple. I have a feel it's going to be great, keep the good work!
~ValAuthor's Response: Thanks! I'm glad I pulled you in, after all that is what a writer needs to do to captivate an audience.
I'm also glad you like my Albus. I've seen him act more like James in most fics so I hope it's a nice change of pace.
I can tell you right now that I know how it feels to have a best guy friend. And it will all work out perfectly, at least I hope. I've got a lot of things planned for this. (:
Brittanique Report Review
I loved this!! I also like Cassi's full name, it's interesting.Author's Response: Thanks! I like the name too. (: Report Review
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