Hahaha okay that was a very clever ending.Author's Response: Hey! Thank you for taking your time to read and review this story. I'm glad you like the ending ;D Report Review
Hi there, this is SapphireatDawn from the forums with your review! I quite liked this. The main thing that I liked was Lily. There are so many clichés in Marauder Era, and I really hate it when Lily is characterised as a James hater from day one, and another thing I hate is how James and Lily reach a resolution so quickly after the Snape’s Worst Memory incident. I really liked how, first of all, you said, ‘snapped at him like never before...’ because a lot of fics have Lily shouting at James like that every day. I also liked how Lily feels some remorse for how she has been treating James. I’ve not come across that sort of thing before, and so to have it as the focus of your fic was a great approach and also good characterisation of Lily. Lastly, I liked that despite feeling guilty at how she’s treated him, she still doesn’t want to go out with him. It was a very refreshing and much more believable take on things. Good job there.
So, onto your writing itself. I did notice a few trip ups on the British side of things, one was that Lily called her mother ‘Mom’, rather than ‘Mum’. We Brits never use ‘Mom’. The second, and I really don’t blame you for not knowing this, is that Lil or Lils was seventies posh slang for a woman’s breasts. I can’t imagine Lily permitting anyone to shorten her name in that way! But yeah, that one’s very obscure. Grammatically, there were a few mistakes with commas, one place where you didn’t capitalise the word Lily (though that was probably a typo), and also in regards to dialogue punctuation, in the beginning, there’s this,
‘She shook her head lifelessly and said in a weak voice, “no it's not.”’
Here, the ‘no’ should be capitalised because it’s the start of the sentence that Lily speaks, so it should read,
‘No it’s not.’
Also, with your dialogue I noticed in the beginning that you spliced it rather a lot, i.e you chopped it in half, like this,
‘“Why,” she continued slowly, “is it always like that?”’
I think that while doing this is fine in certain places, and for emphasis, using it one line after another makes the dialogue harder to read in context, because it’s being split up with something completely different in the middle. I found that several times I had to go back and read the line again so I could remember what was being said.
I also think that you could improve your writing by setting the scene a little more and using a little more description and detail. In the beginning, we’re launched right into the middle of the action and it’s a little disconcerting that there’s no real introduction to the story, no setting of the scene. It could have benefitted from a little description of where the girls were, what they were doing, for example, sitting on Mary’s bed in their dormitory. We learn later, because you mention Lily going back to her bed, that they are in the dormitory, but it would have been nice to place us there right from the start so that while I’m reading this, I can picture the characters. Telling a story is all about building a picture with words, and so you need to have a setting.
But overall, I can see you’ve got potential. It was a good story, and I loved the originality you gave to Lily and the situation You’ll only improve by writing more, and I hope that I’ve been able to help!Author's Response: Hi! Thank you for coming and reviewing :D
I'm so glad you like the Lily here. The general approach of the story is the same as many other: Lily hating James at first but later fall in love, but I tried to write it with my interpretation. She's basically a nice and kind person from what I get in the book. She didn't like James, yes, but it didn't mean that she always treated him the way we saw her did in OoTP. I see her exploding in Snape's Worst Memory as the turning point. She's been holding the urge to get really mad at him for too long, and that incident just set her off. And of course she felt bad later, just as a basically nice person would feel... though, yes, it didn't mean she suddenly like the boy. I don't think her feelings changed that rapidly. She's quite stubborn about her dislike after all. I hope that made sense, and I'm glad that you thought it's refreshing and more believable.
Ah.. I know mom should be mum in British. I guess I let my attention slip on that one. And Lil is a slang for what? O my.. I really didn't know... :( I feel so embarrassed right now.. I'll change it for sure +_+
So the no in "no it's not." should be capitalized? I thought it shouldn't because it was still part of the previous sentence. I read the dialogue tutorial on the forum, and I'll read it again to make sure. Thanks for pointing it out.
And ok.. I'll reduce the number of spliced dialogue. Sorry about that :D
I haven't been writing story much, and still trying to figure out many things, and I was trying to do new things in this particular piece (the proportion of spliced dialogues, and the beginning which begins with a dialogue instead of description)... and I'm so glad to get a feedback on that. I will readjust the beginning. I'll put in more description and maybe reduce the dialogue.
Thank you... you're very right. I learn new things as I write more and more.
Your review is very helpful.
Thanks a lot! :D Report Review
Lily/James is a ship that I haven't read very much of, only because I'm not very into this "hate turns into love" thing, but that's what JKR said happened, so then so it is.
I like your Lily. She is thinking and feeling, and that's a good thing. You let us know a bit of her personality in this short fic.
I found the beginning a bit slow. From the middle things are speeding up, which is good.She is not very shy,is she, to read a poem like that in public! ;-)
I can't blame James for believing that it was a love poem. I can see how it could be interpreted both ways...
The last part of the fic was really fun and sweet, I think. Maybe the ending was a bit too sudden. I would have loved to speeding up the pace in the beginning of the fic, keep the middle and the ending, and then maybe add something about how they handled the awkward situation...
Over all, I would say that this was a cute fic, and I especially like your poem! :-)Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for coming.
I was like you, for a while. I tend to avoid reading too much Lily/James... but it grew on me. As for writing them, I've never even imagined it. But, there I was, deciding to join a challenge and I thought how this poem I wrote a long time ago made sense for them... :D
Thanks for liking 'my' Lily :D
Yes, I see your point about the pace in the beginning. I'll try to so something about it.
Yes! I think she's not a shy person. I see her as an outspoken person. But it doesn't mean that she wasn't dreading it and didn't feel embarrassed about it though. We have to thank Mary for convincing her to do it :D
I actually wrote that poem with the same intention as Lily and was very shocked when a certain someone perceived it as James did. I was like: how?why? I've made it very clear, no? Now I see how very foolish of me :D It sure can sound like a love poem.
I'll think about the ending. When I wrote this, I had two options for it. One is this one: the cliff hanger sort of ending, and the other is a more conclusive one. That time I decided to go with the first. Judging from the review I have so far, I guess both could work. So thank you for your input. It's noted, and I'll think about it.
Thank you. I'm glad you like it... and my poem too :D :D :D Report Review
Hello, review for you-
This was a very interessting look at Lily's relationship with James and how she hated him ang with her ego. The whole idea was a very good idea and I think it was origional and particually interessting to read through.
There were a few grammatical mistakes, but it was nothing too large that made the whole thing un-readable. Perhaps you could take the time to get yourself a beta reader, it would improve the whole quality of the story.
Overall a pretty good and solid job and it was a very good and un-expected cliffhanger at the end. Very nice work.
HufflepuffAuthor's Response: Hey! Thank youuu :D
I'm glad you enjoyed this piece and thought that this is original and interesting. There are so many James/Lily stories out there, and to be told that I incorporate something original in it really makes me happy. I'm also glad that the cliffhanger at the end works fine :D
Yes, I still make grammatical mistakes, and it's been an issue I really want to tackle. I'll re-read the chapter and might also get a beta as you suggested. I really do want to improve the quality of this story :D
Thank you for taking your time to read and review
:D:D:D Report Review
omg that was great! way to leave a cliff hanger... WRITE SOME MORE!! but honestly if i hadn't known what lily was thinking, i would have seen it as james had! please please PLEASE right some more!!Author's Response: Hi! Thank youuu :D
I was actually a bit worried about the ending (I felt that maybe it was too cliche, or too rushed).. but I'm so glad that it worked for you :D
Hehe... some more? Thank you. I feel so encouraged by that. I do, actually, have the visualization in my mind about how the story would go from this last scene... but I'm still considering whether I should bring it into the screen or not, so for now, this one shot will have to do :D
And as for the poem... wow, so I guess the poem IS really kind of misleading, eh? (Mmm... no wonder... *muttering to myself*... )
Whoops, sorry, I was just remembering something :D
Once again, thank you for reading and leaving a review :D Report Review
I really enjoyed this!! What a unique look into Lily's thoughts and her rocky relationship with James.
I loved how you characterized Lily. I thought you brought out her dislike towards him and his inflated ego quite well. I also liked though how you kept Lily well, Lily. She dislikes him, but she isn't a horrible person either. She is open to apologizing to him, but she is going to run into consequences because of how he feels towards her. James is a classic example of someone who cannot read between the lines.
I did see some wording issues that were really minor where you used was a couple of times where it was obvious that you meant were. That is the only thing that really jumped out.
Overall, I really enjoyed the story, I thought it was clever, and a unique look into Lily's thoughts about James. I thought that the flow and pace were well balanced and held strong all the way through the story. I also thought that you made great characterizations of the other characters that appeared in the story, even if they were only shown in snippets you did a great job making sure they stayed them.
I am adding this to my favorites!
Keep up the great work! =)
-SR17Author's Response: *Squeal*
Thanks for stopping by and leaving a review.
Lily/James pairing is so popular and I was really hoping that I could add something different to the table. It seems that I did? somehow? Thank you :D
Yes, I think there are so much conflicting thoughts in Lily's mind about James. She's basically a good natured person, but James just has his own way to irritate her. It's really fun to explore how she chooses to act towards James.
Cool. Thanks for pointing it out. I'll do a re-check and correct things.
I'm happy that you enjoyed the story and the characterization of the other characters. I had the most fun when writing Sirius' part :D
And thank you for favouriting the story. I feel honoured. Report Review
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