Hey, I'm here with your requested review.
So Neville and Hannah are several kinds of adorable, as is Benji. Your characterisation of them is fine, and I especially like Neville's relationship with Benji.
And can I say well done to you for writing a fic which deals with disability? There isn't nearly enough of that, so kudos to you, and I'm interested in how you will deal with Benji's development, especially since you've got some experience with interacting with someone with that same disability.
The only constructive criticism I can give you so far is that I'm not quite so sure about Augusta's characterisation. She's always seemed to me to be sterner than this, you know? Even after Neville has proven himself to be worthy of carrying Frank and Alice's legacy, I don't think she's gonna let up that easy, because she's that kind of person - she'd at least berate the two of them for not picking up Benji's developmental problems earlier.
Then again - this is all my extremely subjective opinion, so make of that what you will.
Anyway, good luck with this fic, and I'll see you around. :) Report Review
Feeling the love;) You know I adooore this story! I nearly ran here to read this!
Gosh! I am so happy that things seem to be working out, even if its just for now! I want sooo badly to see some hannah/neville fluff and agh! This story makes me cry and laugh and freak out because its just so cute. I wonder if they're going to have any more kids. I'm so glad that Benji is reaching milestones, late or not! Update soon!
EverAuthor's Response: :) Yep, you're right they are working out for now what could possibly go wrong next? Hannah/Neville fluff is coming up in the next couple of chapters and some questions will be answered. Awe...I am glad that you like it so much! This story really means a lot to me! Benji is a work in progress :)
-SR17 Report Review
Thank you for this one of the residents where I work has CP as do my favorite singer Neil Young's sons Zeke and Ben. Thank you for giving them and and others like them a voice. You have written this so well I can't wait to read moreAuthor's Response: This review has made my day! Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! This story means a lot to me and I really wanted to give the characters that voice to handle a real life issue tied into the magical world. I hope you enjoy the story as it continues on and thank you for taking care of those with special needs! :)
-SR17 Report Review
Hey Jenn! I'm here with your review :) I'm so sory this took me ages to get to! I wanted to read right when it came out but we moved, and unpacking has been nothing but insane these past few weeks.
But, I'm here!!
I really liked this chapter because it seems like it's pushing the plot forward and it's giving the reader an idea of 'what now'. After a family receives news like that it's something that just sticks with you, 'what now'.
She wanted some form of control but none came. - this line was perfect. My favorite in the chapter; it fit so well.
The one thing I was kind of confused about was that in the beginning of the chapter Neville was getting ready for work, you were talking about how she was thinking about the day ahead and they said goodbye. So then she spends a paragraph with Benji and goes back into her room and Neville is there. I think you should just change it a little bit so that it says how he didn't leave or something, because it confused me a little bit.
I think you handled the informational part of this chapter really well! I could really get a good grasp for her emotions as she and Neville read the CP books together, and it was also informative which was good for the reader understanding of what exactly is going on.
:O I found my name! hahah.. I never see my name in Fanfiction! That's way cool.
I love Benji. I love how you write him. You love him, and it shows. Through everything in this chapter he always makes me smile whenever he's in a scene. I love Gran, how supportive she is, and Neville how he is holding everyone together. Everyone just clicks together and they're so loveable.
I think you should have a line break or an asterisk or something between the PoV change from Hannah to Neville. It wasn't a messy transition by any means, it's more for formatting purposes to make the jump more noticeable ;)
A cliffhanger? You know, I love them and I loathe them. But it works here. I want to hear what's going to happen so you need to write more! I hope I can actually read the next chapter right away next time! I noticed very minor comma stuff, but nothing that really distracted me from what was going on.
Keep up the good work hun! I'll talk to you soon :)
-JulieAuthor's Response: Hi Julie!
Sorry that it has taken me this long to respond. Things have been super crazy so please don't worry about taking so long I totally understand where you are coming from.
This chapter was a plot mover you're right and I really wanted to take the time and explain the 'what now' feeling that you have when you begin reading. I am glad that you said something about that line because it was really my moment of giving the reader a look into Hannah's mind and what it must be like for her.
I will have to reword that because you're right that is a bit confusing now that someone has pointed it out.
I really liked giving the readers more information on CP and getting them kind of geared up for what is to come and the better understanding of what emotions they feel. Although, a few plot twists or cliffie's will be tossed into the mix for good measure.
I thought that you might like to see your name in there! For all the support that you have given me with writing you deserved a bit of credit! =D
Awww! I really do love Benji and I am glad that it shows strongly. He is my favorite OC to write! I am happy to know that he puts a smile on your face when he shows up in a scene because that is something that will come up later on! ;) Gran is awesome! I didn't want to show her in a grouchy way. I really wanted to see that progressive change in relationship between her and Neville. Neville is so strong and after everything he has been through, you just know that he can get through everything.
I will definitely look into splitting up the POV's it maybe something that really helps. Thanks for pointing that out.
Hahahahaha Cliffhanger!! I should have the next chapter up later this week! Ugh...comma's. =)
Thanks for all the wonderful feedback and for being such an awesome person! I miss you and hope I get to talk to you soon!
-Jenn Report Review
I was having slightly insane thoughts after that gosh blessed cliff hanger. You are so incredibly mean. But I love you for updating.
What in the world is wrong? You have to tell me! I feel so bad for Hannah, that's a lot to deal with the first time around. I need an update right now!Author's Response: Hi Ever!
Yeah the cliff hanger...I new some people would be a bit...irked, but I swear it has a purpose!! It really does!!
Hannah is going to go through a lot and you're right it is a lot to deal with. Can she do it? You'll just have to wait and see. ;)
-SR17 Report Review
Hi. We (I sent this to my BFF, she LOVES Neville) loved this story and hope to see more of it soon.
Great job.Author's Response: Thank you so much for stopping by to read and review! I am glad that you both like this story. Chapter three has been posted and I plan on having chapter four up pretty soon too.
-SR17 Report Review
Hey, I do actually adore this story and I think one of the reasons why is because of the plot, it's breaks my heart to think that a innocent baby has to suffer and I think you have wrote it beautifully, so great job!
I think you have the characterisations spot on, I can really imagine Neville trying to comfort his wife and also waiting untill the last minute to dress Benji.
The descriptions really bring the story to life and you have written this beautifully!
A great start :) 10/10Author's Response: Thank you so much for stopping in to read and review this story. It means a lot to me. This story is my baby, it really is. So I am glad that all the hard to work of characterizations and making it as believable as possible have worked.
Hope to see more reviews from you!
Thanks again!!! =)
-SR17 Report Review
Hey, it's me again!
Let's start with plot this time: WOW. I wasn't expecting that diagnosis at all! I feel so terrible for Hannah and Neville. What a difficult thing to have to go through... :[ I think you definitely handled it with tact. Don't worry about offending anyone. I don't think that will be a problem.
Characterization: Hannah and Neville are now having to go through one of the most difficult situations imaginable. Their child is very sick. But the way you characterize them, I know they'll get through it. Neville's feeling very helpless, but he's still a Gryffindor and I know he'll still be brave. And Hannah now feels responsible which makes a lot of sense. I think you're showing her feelings very well.
Descriptions: Keep in mind what I mentioned before. Other than that, there were a few times when you did quite well. The largeness of the hospital, etc.
Emotions: I definitely think you showed what everyone was feeling in this chapter. It was dramatic and heart-wrenching what everyone was going through. I think you pulled these emotions off very well.
Style: You're treating a really difficult topic with a lot of class, and I commend you for that. You're also showing that you have an understanding of the way that people respond to tragedy. That's essential when you're writing about something like this. Great job.
You're doing a really wonderful job with this story. It's not something that's easy to write about, and I'm sure you know that. I'm glad that you understand your topic and that you're delving into it in this way. I think readers that understand this disease will be very grateful for the way you're writing it. Keep up the terrific work!
--EmilyAuthor's Response: Hi there!
Thank you again for reading and reviewing this chapter as well. I am glad that you liked it and that you were surpirsed by the diagnosis. I am glad that I handled it with tact. I know how senistive it can be to talk about let alone write about.
I am glad that you liked the characterizations, emotions and style. I am keeping in mind what you said about the descriptions and I agree with you.
Thank you so much for all the compliments and encouragement. It means the world to me. =)
-SR17 Report Review
Hello there! This is DarkRose (or Emily, as you know me) from the forums here to review for you! :D So, let's go over things:
Characterization: Okay! We've got Neville, Hannah, and Gran in this chapter. So let's just go in that order as we talk about them, okay? Neville is wonderful! I don't know if I've ever seen him written this well, actually. I love that you show the confidence that he's gained. And he's so strong and brave for his family, even though he doesn't understand what's going on. I love that. Great job. Hannah is a wonderful character. She's so sweet and caring, and it's obvious that she's a very good mother. I like that you're keeping her consistent and believable. And Gran is great! I love that she's stopped criticizing Neville, and now she's very proud of him. I think that makes a lot of sense, after everything they'd been through during the war. All of your characters are distinct and well-written. I like that a lot!
Descriptions: Okay, so! This is always the point that I harp about. I had someone tell me that my descriptions didn't help bring the story to life, and that really, really changed the way I write. So, the way that I always phrase it when I tell people to amp up their descriptions, is this: the way to really bring readers into a story so that they can imagine that they're there is to describe things in minute details, but ones that flow with the narrative. What did things look like? But not only that--what did they feel like, sound like, smell like, etc.? THOSE are the details that will help readers put themselves in your characters shoes. That being said, I think you hit on several really good details that I liked a lot--the mobile from Harry and Ginny, for instance. Good touch! But consider my above-stated advice, and I'm sure you can bring the other details out. :D
Emotions: I LOVE the way you portrayed what Hannah and Neville were feeling in this chapter. You have a firm grasp on how parents would feel if there was something wrong with their child. You're really helping that translate to the readers. Terrific job.
Plot: Well! I'm definitely interested to see what will happen next! I have a few ideas about what might be up with Benji, but I can't seem to remember what any of them are called. I'll see if I'm right in the next chapter. You have something very unique here. I encourage you to stick with it and keep up the awesome writing! Unique stories are hard to come by. ;]
Interactions: I love the sweet relationship between Neville and Hannah. You're really pulling off showing how much they care about each other, and you're doing it in subtle ways that make it very realistic and believable. Great job. And I LOVE that they asked Gran her opinion on Benji. That's such a sweet addition to the story.
Your flow and pacing are doing absolutely fine. Things aren't moving too fast and you didn't lose me at all throughout this chapter. You're doing wonderfully! I'll read more soon!
--EmilyAuthor's Response: Thank you for reading and reviewing! I am glad that you liked the story. I am super happy that you enjoyed the characterizations, emotions, interactions and plot. It means a lot to me that you liked them and thought that I did a good job showing and expressing them throughout the story. I always have one trouble spot and that always seems to be description. I should probably flesh it out more then I am use to. It is always good to have someone elses opinion on things.
Thank you again for reading and reviewing! I greatly appreciate it!
Hey, there! I'm so sorry this took SO long! D: RL has been extremely demanding lately. But I'm here now!
Again, I think you're handling it quite well. The quote was not as obvious here as in the first chapter, but I can still see it in your writing so that's good!
DO I WANT TO KEEP READING?:
Oh, for sure! I'm not familiar with cerebral palsy, so I'm interested to see how this affects Hannah and Neville. I'm also curious as how this will affect Benji's magical development. Is he a Squib? Or will he shock us all and be really powerful? But you've really capture my attention with this fic! It's very original and I want to see where you go with it :)
You portray Neville, Hannah, and Gran very well; they're pretty much canon. References to events/descriptions from the books (Gran's clothing, the war, etc.) help with characterization. Benji is adorable and well done as well. Your heart just really goes out to him because he just the cutest little thing. I felt terrible for Hannah and Neville at the end, too. That's just so depressing. And Hannah thinks it's her fault... You wrote all the emotions so perfectly in just a few paragraphs.
I'm going to assume that the cerebral palsy is the sensitive topic. (Correct me if I'm wrong. I can be quite naive at times.) Like I said before, I'm not very familiar with the disability (I'm sorry if I'm using the wrong term), but I think you handled this very well. I mean, how does one react when you find out your child has a mental disability? You wrote all the reactions and emotions so well, so kudos to you! Plus, you have a personal connection to Benji's situation and that makes this more real. Well done!
Like I said in my previous review, you sprinkle description in, but in this chapter, the descriptions were rather lacking. I really shouldn't be one to talk, though, since I'm not big on description either, haha. But just a couple descriptions of the hospital here and there would help. :)
I'm a grammar Nazi, sorry! I noticed some grammatical errors with dialogue. Also, there were some typos. If you just read through this chapter again, you'll catch them! No weird spelling mistakes, though, so that's good :)
The flow and pace is well done. Everything just works together, which is great! The only problem I found was this piece of dialogue:
"No, I told him what was going on with Benji and Harry understood. He always does. Harry is a great man. Besides, its been slow at the Ministry right now since most of the former Death Eaters have been caught. Ginny is pregnant by the way." He told her with a few shrugs in between sentences
Okay, first of all, there's no period at the end of the paragraph. Second, the placement of "Ginny is pregnant by the way" is awkwardly placed, and it disrupted the flow. Perhaps a pause before the statement will make it less awkward? But that's the only problem I found :)
Another great chapter! I'm curious to see what happens next! Please update soon! Again, I'm so sorry for being SO late :P Thanks for re-requesting, though! Excellent fic :DAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! I am glad that you liked the story and what to read more! =)
I am excited to see that you are thinking about the bigger picture with Benji and what this means for him in a magical sense. No one else has brought that up. So I hope you like what happens in future chapters.
I really worked hard on the characterizations in this chapter since I didn't feel that I did Gran the full justice in the first chapter it is nice to hear/read that you like them. Benji is an awesome character to write. I hope that you will continue to like these characters and what happens with them as the story progresses on.
Yes, Cerebral Palsy is the sensative topic. It will be touched upon a great deal in chapter three. I really want the readers to understand what this is and how it will affect Benji, his parents and his life. You are using the right term so no worries. =)
I agree that the descriptions could use some work in this chapter. I think I focused more of surroundings then I did anything else. I plan on making sure I change a few things up in this chapter.
Grammar...my biggest foe! I would rather you point this out to me since I know I struggle with it. So thank you for doing so! Yes, I will be editing this chapter. I read through it after it was posted and wrote down areas of change between the typos, grammar and dialogue.
Thank you again so much for reading and reviewing! =)
-SR17 Report Review
Hey! I am here with your review. I guess I do have some free time on my hands right now. =)
Let's start off with the areas of concern, shall we?
To answer your query: whether you can handle sensitive topics? Yes, you sure can. =) As I mentioned in my previous review that your writing style has that sensitive and sophisticated factor in it. Therefore you have the ability to capture all the emotions and feelings of your character and deliver them in just the right way. So in my opinion you really donít worry about that aspect of your story. With a plus point like that on your side you choose quite an interesting and strong plot. =)
Yes, the details and the material in your chapters do give an indication that you actually felt while writing. I guess you mentioned, somewhere that you went through an experience similar to this well let me tell you, it shows. I mean the depth you went in while writing their feelings, fear, happiness it's just mind blowing. I suppose you could say that it forces me to think how it all happened you know? It puts their situation in perspective and shows that there are people in the world who go through situations like these. It makes me appreciate the entire situation.
However, I'm afraid that you need to do a lot of work with execution of the dialogues. I mean what you're trying to make them say doesn't always come out that way. The dialogues don't really seem to go with your characters. Especially Hannah's, for instance: the part where she finally discovers what's wrong with Benji? Her dialogues were VERY
formal and odd. I mean I totally understand the devastation she might've felt but apparently her dialogues just sort of messed the entire impact/ scenario. I'm really sorry if I'm being harsh. I don't mean to offend you or anything. I'm saying this to you because I know you can fix this. And once you do, your chapter will have the perfect impact. An even better impact.
Also the chapter sort of got monotonous and dragged in between. My point being: a bit too
much of details in the hospital scenario. I mean I know that you want to create a certain level of suspense, curiosity and tension so that you can break the big news but somewhere in between their trip to the hospital shouldn't have been that much detailed especially when they had to go to two hospitals. But then again that's just me talking, it's your story, I'm just here to talk about it. =)
Hmm, I suppose I took care of everything for now? I hope you like this review! I'm sorry I had to take so much time to come here, been busy. =) I hope whatever I've written, it helps in any way it possibly can. =) Feel free to PM me with anything you'd like to say/ask. =) Until next time, Good Luck and Happy Writing! =DAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! I really appreciate you taking the time to read this. I am glad that there are parts of the story that are strong and some that I need to work on.
I am really grateful for you pointing these things out to me because I would have never seen them myself. I will have to see what I can do to change a few things around to get the full effect of what I am trying to convey.
Thank you again! =)
-SR17 Report Review
good lord. I know very well how awkward it is to respond to a review when they claim that you made them cry, but good lord did I bawl my eyes out!
Why Benji? Why?:'(
you've inspired me to write a neville/hannah though, because you have made me adore them!
I have a few CC points for you, cool:
*Near the end, it kind of explains they're all sitting there as he says it, and the next moment she's pounding on Neville's chest. i'd recommend writing a transition in there to make it flow smoother(:
*You should probably explain Cerebral Palsy. For it's no term that I, nor most readers, would have any prior knowledge and would have to look up what it is as to understand why Hannah and Neville are so devastated by it! It also doesn't seem like something Hannah or Neville would know right off the top of their heads, but who's knows? They could have been those parents that analyze every possible thing that goes wrong, or it just comes with the job of a being a print that you just memorize that stuff after hearing it once. I wouldn't know;P
I think Benji is brilliant. He's no walk in the park--taking care of him, I mean--which is always good. I dislike stories were babies are no inconvenience or work or anything at all.
Hannah's and Neville's relationship is truly inspiring. Never have I felt like they truly do rely on each other, and fight against life's realities and hardships, and be strong for one another with any other story I have read! I...just wow.
I think Gran is a nice contribution to the story(: I'm actually a bit worried you're going to have her kick the bucket soon...Please don't:'( of course, it's your story and you can do whatever you want, I think it would be sooo much tragedy with poor baby Benji and then Gran goes and bites the dust.
I think the healer not being able to identify what was wrong with Benji was a curious little twist; I didn't expect it, and while it wasn't a major component of the story, it was interesting and added to the story in an odd way, but was quite interesting.
The emotion is this was bloody brilliant, I bawled and bawled and bawled. My eyes are all red and gross and puffy;P I look hungover! Thank you so much for that! And while that may seem sarcastic, I'm genuinely thanking you! I am overjoyed by the fact that you put some serious effort of the emotion into this story! It adds to the story in a way no other technique could!
The build up to it was almost unbearable! I felt as though I were actually in Hannah's spot! From the knot in my/her stomach to the unending feeling of a dreading doom crawling closer with every second...uck! That was really amazing, and I am thoroughly impressed!
Ultimately, I think this is wonderful! Probably your best work:d I just...you put so much into this, and it shows! This story is so tragically heartbreaking! And while it would be sad without any detail, or actual emotion, you make it heart wrenching and bawl worthy. You really showed your capability as a writer and I'm sure that does not go unnoticed!
EverAuthor's Response: Hi Ever!
Thanks for reading and reviewing. I am sorry that I didn't get to this yesterday. I have been trying to plan out how to respond.
I'm sorry that you bawled your eyes out, but I am kind of glad in a way because I wanted to get that type of emotion across in the story. I'm glad that it worked, but again I am sorry that it made you cry.
I am super excited that I've inspired you to write a story about Neville & Hannah. =)
Ah yes...that awkward moment towards the end does need a transition there to make it flow better. You're right.
The next chapter will include what Cerebral Palsy is and how it may or may not affect Benji. That was my intention with Chapter 3 kind of like a reflection between Hannah and Neville over all the information that was thrown onto them. It will take them a bit of time to grasp it, but the reason they reacted the way that they did was because anything wrong with their beloved Benji is horrible. It goes along the line of magic cannot and does not cure everything.
I am so glad that you like Benji and that you find him believable. Your right he is no walk in the park, but he is a happy little guy too. Children aren't easy and when you are a first time parent it is easy to over react or under react to the situations that occur.
I am super happy that you like Hannah and Neville like this. I think after the war people are more aware of how precious life is. They compliment one another very well.
Gran is awesome and the story wouldn't be complete if she wasn't included. She has a HUGE part to play in the coming chapters. Mostly because she is a huge support to them in anyway she can be.
Ah yes, the little twist with the Healer's not knowing what is wrong and sending them on their way. Well I always thought and think that a lot of the times you have to get a second oppinion on things. I also think that Magic while as perfect as it is has its flaws of what it can and cannot cure, fix, change. I wanted to tie in reality as well.
I am happy to know that the emotion was strong and drove the story line forward. I am also happy to know that I held your attention from the get go all the way to the end. I am really glad that it made you feel like you were Hannah sitting there having to listen and feel everything that she was going through.
Thank you. I really did put a lot into this and I am glad that it shows. It means a lot to me that you think that this is probably my best work. Reviews like this make we want to keep writing and I have you and the other readers to thank for that!
Thank you so much!!
-SR17 Report Review
This was so sad, just so sad. I'll be honest, I had to google what Cerebral Palsy was, but it was just so sad, poor Neville, Hannah and Benji. I really felt for Hannah at the end there, blaming herself for it all. I really liked the image you ended the chapter with, the idea that their marriage, their family had been knocked down my an invisible force. It makes things all the worse seeing as there was nothing St Mungo's could do about it, magic can fix many things, but not everything, not the things that really matter, and it is just so heartbreaking.
This is such a sad story and you did a great job capturing it.Author's Response: Hi there again!
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing.
I am happy to know that Hannah's feelings came out as strongly as I wanted them to. I think that any mother in Hannah's position would feel some sort of guilt there for whatever reason, even if she shouldn't be I think she would. I see her as someone with such caring that she would react this way.
I was wondering if anyone would say anything about the way this ended. I am so glad that you have because you're right...Magic can't solve everything. Especially what matters the most.
I am super happy to know that you liked it despite it being sad and that you thought I did a good job capturing it.
Thanks again! =)
-SR17 Report Review
I decided to read this story because I loved the title and I loved what it could mean. It was just a nice thought, that something so small could leave just a big impression on someone.
Anyway, I really liked this chapter. I loved how you characterised Neville and Hannah and I loved how you captured their relationship. Benji is so cute, and I loved how proud Neville was when his gran referred to him as a great man in her letter.
I have no idea what is happening to Benji. I have no experience with babies at all, so I honestly couldn't even guess. I just really want to read the next chapter now! Here I go! Well done again, this was brilliant, my favourite of your stories so far! :)Author's Response: Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! I am glad that you really like the story so far and the way I have characterized the characters and shown their relationships. I'm glad that you like Benji! It means a lot to me. =)
SR17 Report Review
Here for your requested review:
Awww this was heart breaking. I feel so bad for Hannah and Neville. I have to applaud you because you conveyed everything extremely well. Your words truely brought out the tragedy something like this is to parents. And poor Benji!
Now I don't really know much about Cerebal Palsy, but I can relate to the overall concept of having a kid who is diagnosed with a disease like that (my cousin was born premature and has loads of health issues). I'm sure a lot of people can relate to this issue and therefore to your story.
Your pacing was superb. It helped to build the suspense. Its like they go to St. Mungos what's wrong with Benji? Darn they have to go elsewhere. They go to the muggle doctor. Whats wrong with Benji? darn there is a test that's going to take a half an hour. Then you get around to telling us and it leaves your reader sad, but very connected to your characters. It was very suspenseful, but still flowed fast enough that your reader wasn't left waiting and waiting and waiting for the final diagnosis.
Your description in this chapter was slightly more subtle, but it still worked. I had a good idea of what their surroundings were like the entire time and I had a pretty vivid image of all the happenings going on in my head.
Your characterization of Gran was much better in this chapter. She didn't seem as formal and you could tell that there was a strong bond between her, Neville and Hannah.
As for the doctor I thought that he was fine. He is a bit mechanical but this didn't seem unnatural. First off this is the first time he's met the Longbottems so he isn't going to be overly familar with them. In fact when you think about it a doctor probably would be mechanical in this type of situation. At the very least you would think the man would be reserved as he delivered such devestating news to parents.
Anyway this was an exellent second chapter, and I am looking foward to seeing where your going with the next chapter
Keep up the good work
-BoOkWoRm24Author's Response: Thank you so much for reading and reviewing.
I am glad that you liked the chapter and that I conveyed what I was trying to get across well. This is a tough topic to handle so I am happy to know that people can relate in different ways and that it was confusing to anyone.
I am so happy to hear that the suspense was good. I was worried that I might have drawn it out for far to long, but hearing this eases my mind. I knew that in order to get my thoughts/story across I needed to make the chapter longer. It is the longest one I have ever written.
I am glad that the more subtle description worked. I didn't want to overwhelm the readers with description because of what was coming in the end. Gran is better in this chapter? YES! Thank goodness. I was hoping she would be.
Thank goodness the mechanical aspect of Dr. Michaels works. This is how I see doctors at times. Some are really helpful and sympathetic and others are mechanical. Nobody ever wants to hear news like this...ever.
I am working on chapter 3 and hopefully will have it up soon.
Thanks so much!! =)
-SR17 Report Review
I think you did a good job of preparing us (the readers) for the sensitive issue by making sure we knew that there was probably something wrong with Benji. The story flows well, but one issue I have with the characterization is Hannah. Hannah seems like she cries too often. I think Gran is characterized very well though. The quote is also used well.Author's Response: Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. I am glad that you liked the story and the way I prepared the readers. I am glad that it worked out.
Hannah is just going through a tough time being a first time Mom and it is an emotional roller coaster for her, but she is going to turn it around in the coming chapters.
I am happy to know that I have done a good job characterizing Gran because I was really worried about how she would be portrayed. I'm glad that you think I used the quote well.
Thanks again! =)
-SR17 Report Review
Hi! I'm here with your requested review! Sorry it took a while :P
Your quote - personally, I thought you were fine. It's great (bad?) that Benji's inspired by someone you know, and that makes the quote even more powerful. You made sure the reader understood the message you were trying to convey with your quote through Neville's internal struggle through this chapter and in the final line. So good job! :)
Interesting-ness/Do I Want to Keep Reading?/Characters:
I think it's very interesting! I'm not a big Hannah/Neville shipper (I'm still a slight Luna/Neville shipper, but it's starting to fade, haha), so it was nice to see them as parents. You kept them very close to canon and seeing that in more mature, parental way was very interesting. (Does that make sense? I dunno.) I do want to keep reading, but I only do requests one chapter at a time! Haha ;) But, really, this is a great Neville/Hannah, and I want so badly to know what's up with Benji. Neville and Hannah seem like great parents - extremely sweet and caring - and I want to see how far their love for each other and their baby will take them, despite this struggle they're obviously going to go through. I've never seen anything like this in fanfiction, so I want to see where you go with it! Did I also mention I really love how you write internal conflict? Yeah, it's really good :)
Um, correct me if I'm wrong, but I didn't notice any sensitive topics here. Or perhaps it's in the next chapter? (Sorry, like I said, I review one chapter at a time :P) Awks...
I think you did well with description! You didn't bombard the reader with loads of descriptions, which I like; you just sprinkled them in where necessary, which I do like. The opening paragraph's descriptions were great, in particular. :)
I saw a couple mistakes in punctuation when it came to dialogue. I also caught some spelling mistakes: there > their, attack > attic
I think this is a great first chapter to what seems like a unique, interesting fic! I'm itching to know more! Feel free to re-request!Author's Response: Hi there!
Thank you for reading and reviewing! No worries about any delay, I knew that you would get to it when you had the time.
I am glad to know that the Quote I was given worked well with the chapter. I was worried that it wouldn't come through the way I had intended. It is bittersweet that someone I know personally inspired this story. I can't say who, but I can when the story is over.
I am glad that you liked the Neville/Hannah pairing. I like Luna/Neville, but I thought Luna might have been alittle to far out there to fit with this story. Yes, that makes perfect sense to me. They are who they are, but they are shown in a more grown up way then we've seen them before. I am glad to know that this held your interest. I usually have a hard time capturing the attention of the reader in the first chapters. I am happy to know that you find this original and that you like the internal conflict. I am at a loss for words on the compliments. *Blushes* =) Thank you.
Yeah the sensitive topic comes along in the second chapter that was my miss on the review request. Sorry about that.
YES! I am so excited to hear that you liked how I "Sprinkled" the description around in various places. I have a lot of trouble doing this so I am glad that it worked out!
Oh geez... *Facepalm* Yes, attic should be attack...wow how on earth did I miss that one?! hahaha. Yep and there/their. Grammar isn't my strong suit as you have noticed. Thanks for pointing them out and letting me know. I greatly appreciate it.
Thank you again. I will re-request soon!! =)
-SR17 Report Review
Hey here with your review.
So I thought this chapter was really well done. I didn't see any grammar/spelling errors, the flow was exellent, and the pacing was perfect.
The description you have in this chapter was lovely, specifically the stuff you wrote in the introduction. You conveyed to the reader perfectly the feeling of a perfect family, and that feeling of worry that comes with parenting.
I am extremely interested in what was wrong with Benji, as I am most certainly no expert on any type of medical issues I literally have no idea.
Incorperating the fact about when kids choose their dominant hand was interesting too, and added another dimension to the issues with Benji. However, the way you incorperated this fact felt kind of forced. There wasn't that much talk about what it might be leading up to that fact. It sounded kind of like a random question when she asked it, and it was definately even more random that she was correct. My recomendation would be to add some kind of transition prior to bringing that up.
As far as characterization goes, you did well. I got a good idea of how Neville's character had developed in his time between Hogwarts and your story's era. The persona you chose for him fits perfectly with what he would become after the battle. As for Hannah you did an equally good job. She actually reminds me of my own mother- caring, and kind, but also very subject to worries.
The one character you could work on was Gran. Her diction seemed a bit formal as she technically was Neville's surrogate mother after Bellatrix got to her parents, her speech around him should have been more easy going and less formal. Even if she is a stiff person she should still be more familiar. I mean would your grandmother say she was honored that you asked her for help? My guess is probably not.
Anyway this was an excellent first chapter.
As I only review one chapter a time, feel free to re-request for the second one, but this is all from me until then.
Hope this helped
-BW24Author's Response: Hi there!
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review. I greatly appreciate it.
I am happy to hear that the description is good as I have had issues with it in others stories, so I have been working very hard on it.
Thank you for pointing that out about the randomness of the question that she asked and that her response was random as well. I will have to think about how I could change that around with a transition before hand.
I am glad that you liked the Characterization of Neville and Hannah. Gran is someone that I haven't done anything with before so this is sort of a trial. I will have to work on her.
Again, thank you for reviewing it is really helpful to have a fresh set of eyes look at the story, and I will be re-requesting.
Hey! This is apocalypse, here with your review!
BEAUTIFUL! Yes, that is just the right word to describe what I just read. It was really wonderful, marvellous, brilliant and just awesome! Really, there are no other words for it! Perhaps more synonyms but no other words! I really liked your writing style; it's just so sophisticated, casual, light and very refreshing! To be honest, I'm not sure if I've ever read something like this before. Of course I've came across plots similar to this but you just wrote it in such a delicate manner, it got to me. I mean, you started off as if it was a fairy tale; I got that 'once upon a time' effect/impact. A big well done for you! =)
Over to the areas of concern then? =)
Characterization: I've never really read and then reviewed with Neville/Hannah pairing; this is my first one. You did a good job with both their characterizations. =) I really liked how you modified Neville's character to fit a father's personality; it's nice to see him in his dad's role. Also, you gave very appropriate explanations as to why there was sudden increase in Neville's confidence level. The Neville we know from canon was this attractive and had such an intriguing personality too. He eveolved into this amazing character and I think that you carried that on perfectly. =)
The only query I had was regarding his job. He spent a bit too much time with his son. My point being he did some stuff which I'd expected Hannah to do. For instance: when Hannah's sitting on the rocker and Neville's playing with his son; getting Benji ready for the visit. It's not that dads don't do these kind of stuff, it's just that you usually expect mothers to do that. But I personally think it was very cute of Neville to that for his son and help out his wife. =)
In addition to that, I loved the part where Hannah gets these butterflies in her stomach because of Neville. It was VERY sweet; after all these years of marriage that feeling still exists between them; I thought it was very cute. =D
Description: You were pretty successful with that aspect of your writing. =) there was this consistent flow between the paragraphs; it wasn't abrupt at all. In fact, I liked how you gave in details regarding the setup, atmosphere as well as your characters' feelings. It helped me actually imagine the characters; probably the way you imagined them while writing. =)
Over all, it was a light, calm and well written chapter. The plot itself has potential; I see you're off to a good start. Keep up the pace and hard work and you'll rock it, for sure. =) And about the part in your AOCs where you asked whether your experience showed? I think I'll address that in the next review. =)
~Recenseo '12Author's Response: Hi there!
Oh my goodness this review has made my week!
I am seriously blushing now. I am so glad that you liked it. To actually know that someone likes my writing style is really fantastic to hear. You are the only person that I've had review this and get the fairy tale feeling which is exactly like I wanted it set up.
The characterization was one of my biggest worries. I usually do okay with it, but by the time the chapter ends I flop. I am happy to hear that I held it up and kept it going throughout the entire chapter. I tried to make Neville a more of a hands on Dad since he didn't really have his Dad in his life because of what happened to him. So I wanted to show how bonded him and Benji were. His job outside of home is going to come into play in the 3rd chapter and it will have a unique twist to it. I am super happy that you liked Hannah and how she got the butterfly feeling in her stomach when she saw Neville. I thought it would be a great way to show their connection.
I was again worried with the description because I didn't want to over power the chapter, but I didn't want it to lack either. I am grateful to know that it was smooth and gave you the picture that I was seeing while writing it. Description has always been difficult for me.
Thank you so much again for reading and reviewing! I am so glad that you liked it and what to read more it means a lot to me and my confidence. =) I am not going to stop grinning for the rest of the day now.
-SR17 Report Review
this story is really good so far :)
i can't imagine what neville and hannah are going through since their first time parents poor them
you have charcterised them really well especially hannah as we don't see a lot of her in the films/books
Benji sounds like such a sweet happy little baby
this story is original and even though it is a sensitive topic you have wrote it really well it, i also like how you've put neville's gran in the story she is also another character we don't see much of
i can't wait for the next chapter
-potterfan310Author's Response: Hi there!
Thank you SO much for reading and reviewing! I am really glad that you like it and the characterization of Hannah. I was worried that she wouldn't work out so well because we didn't hear or see a lot about her. Gran is a rock solid lady who I figured could be a huge help to Neville, Hannah and Benji.
I am happy to know that because this is a sensitive topic that I have done well with it. I was nervous as to how this idea would be precieved.
Thanks again! =)
-SR17 Report Review
Hey there! I am so sorry for the time this took me (ages, I know!), school is crazy.
I don't know anyone who has CP, but I do feel for those kids who has them. I'm not really sure if I should be sorry for them because I feel like if I do feel sorry for them, I am admitting to myself that they are unfortunate kids. Which I know they are not, they are special in many ways we have not yet seen. So yeah...I'm kinda half-mixed with the feelings.
The story was really powerful, not only with the emotions, but the plot itself. How many authors takes up the challenge to write about disorders like these? Barely anyone. The idea do come up in their minds, but they often dismiss it. So for you to take the opportunity to write this, and succeed in it, is just really great.
May I give you some CC? I do feel guilty about giving these, and I rarely give them, but I really need to get this out otherwise I will feel like such an unhelpful reviewer. I just hope you don't hate me after this.
So, this chapter felt quite a bit off compared to the other one. It just didn't flow very well, though the story was still reasonable flow-wise for some parts of the story the story felt rather awkward and rough. Also, the dialogues seemed a bit unrealistic and so rehearsed.
"Okay now that all of that is in order, I'll take Benjamin and get this under way." I read this sentence over and over again and it just sounded weird. Like it was being said by a robot. I also felt that both doctors, despite the way you've described them, weren't very pleasant at all. I didn't see them say 'please' or anything along the lines of that, so maybe you can work on those.
As for the characterisation, I thought Hannah was a bit over-the-top with her reactions. But in a sense, she probably can't help it because she's a mother, so maternal instincts are in the works.
Okay, CC over! I hope you don't hate me. Overall though, I think you are doing a really great job hitting so nicely on a real life issue and mixing it with magic. A really great and interesting story so far! And I did enjoy the chapter! :P :)
CloakAuror9 xxAuthor's Response: Hi there!
Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! I understand life is crazy so no worries. I knew that you would get to it when you could.
I am glad that you enjoyed the chapter and you find it interesting. I wanted to do something completely different because even though they are magical doesn't mean they are perfect.
Ah yes. See this is what I hoped to avoid with the Mechanical Doctors. I completely understand what you're meaning and you're right. I will have to see what I can do about it. I think it will probably help to change those around to make the flow seem easier and smooth. Thanks for pointing this out.
Hannah is going through a lot as a Mom and I think she needed her over the top moment to get it out of her system, but maybe I could tone it down a bit with her.
I don't hate you at all for your CC. If you weren't honest then how would I know what I was having trouble with? Your CC is very helpful because I tried to write a longer chapter and obviously didn't pull it all together as smoothly as I could have. Now I can make the changes that I need to it.
Thanks again for reading and reviewing I greatly appreciate the time and effort that goes into reviewing for another Author.
-SR17 Report Review
Hi dear! I'm here finally.
So, normally I like to review as I go but I couldn't take a moment to click over and type anything because I just wanted to keep reading. This was so powerful, but still so meaningful.
I don't personally know anyone with CP, but my brother is Autistic. This story hits home for me because I know what these doctor appointments are like. I was too young to remember when my parents found out about my brother, but I remember all the hospital visits, the tests and the therapists.
It's been a few years, but I used to volunteer with children with disabilities, CP being one of them. The way you write Benji, even at the young age, is so beautiful. It's like nothing in the world will bring him down and it's so true to form of some of the kids I've met. I used to work with a baseball team for handicap children and I worked with this one child. He had speech impediments so I never could understand him, but he would never let me bring out a tee for him-- he always wanted to hit the pitch. He was such a determined kid and never let anything stand in his way. Benji reminds me of him.
Getting back on topic! The way you wrote Hannah's anxiety/anticipation and Neville's attempt to stay strong for her and Benji was so lovely.
I noticed a few things:
--"Okay, good." Dr. Michaels wrote done. - just needs to be changed to down.
--Dr. Michaels started to talk again. Looking through the folder as he did so.-- just change the period to a comma because the second one is a sentance fragment.
I can't find anything else.
This was so beautiful. Keep it up-- the way you write I can tell you love telling this story so it just makes it that much better. Fantastic work.Author's Response: Hi there!
You always leave such lovely reviews!
I am so glad that you liked this! I am so thrilled that I was able to get Benji to come across right. That is exactly what I was going for with him, being the type of kid where nothing can get him down.
I am sorry to hear about your brother. I am happy that you were able to relate to the story and to kids with a variety of diablities. It takes a special person to work with kids that have difficulties and handicaps.
I really worked hard to bring out Hannah's emotions in the chapter because I felt that she would set the tone the best. A mother would naturally have the right or the ability to get very upset and anxious dealing with the anticipation. Neville is someone that I see as having been changed so much from his past that he is better equipped to be the one to stay as strong as possible for the both of him.
*Runs and hides from mistakes made* Oh comma's do not like me and my hands seem to always jump onto the comma button all the time! =) I will make sure that I edit those. Thanks for pointing them out.
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. I am so happy that you like this story and you're right I do love telling this story. I am just glad that it shows! AND the chapter was long! =)
-SR17 Report Review
Awh): Benji! I hope he's okay! I guess I'm going to have to read and find out!
I've never read a Hannah/Neville before, I this is definitely interesting!
You put so much into this story, I can tell by the wonderful story you've created! Absolutely lovely!
EverAuthor's Response: Ever,
You're Awesome! This totally made my day seeing that I recieved a random review. I never get those so it is always nice to see them pop up.
Oh yeah, you'll want to read and find out more about Benji. He is a great little guy. I am glad that you find the Neville/Hannah pairing interesting. I was originally going to use Harry/Ginny, but I felt that they wouldn't be able to handle this as well as Neville/Hannah.
I am glad that the work that I have put into the story is showing. I definitely love telling it and hope that you enjoy what is to come with little Benji and his parents.
-SR17 Report Review
Hi there - review, as promised!
First impressions are that you really capture the closeness of the bond between parents, and then with a young family. The strife they've gone through is handled really sensitively as well, without over-doing it and laying the misery on thick. Well done :)
I will be very interested to see how you take it from here - I certainly have never read an HP fanfic anything like it.
PS - Grammar spots:
"I'll go send you're paper work" - should be "your"
In the UK, we spell paediatric with the extra A
"their minds were pill out of their awestruck wonder" - pill (??)Author's Response: Hi there!
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. I am glad that you like the story and think that it is original. I really wanted to try something different and out of my comfort zone.
I am happy to see that you didn't think I over did it on the misery. I didn't want it to come across as such or give it that woe-is-me feeling. I really put a lot of effort into being sensitive with the topic matter and making sure that Hannah/Neville shine along with Benji. I surely don't want to offend any readers.
I hope you like the chapters to come and I again I am thrilled that you liked it.
*Hides* Oh grammar! hahaha. I will make sure that I edit those. Thanks for pointing them out. pill should have been pulled. See this is why I love reviewers who are from the UK as well because then that way they can give me advice on word spellings and such!
Thank you so much,
-SR17 Report Review
Hey there! So sorry for taking forever to get this review across! I'm really horrible at time management, we should have more hours in a day!
Anywho...I am already loving your story! I'm not a mother or anything, but a lot of people around me are and I see and know the hardships of being a mother, but it is rewarding to see someone you've taken care of from the very first moment of their life...well its sweet. I can't wait to see what will happen with Benji.
I love your Neville and Hannah! :D Bejeezles! They are so cute and perfect together. To people who ship Luna/Neville...well they need to see this, you really made a convincing and realistic couple.
Ooh I spy Gran! I smiled when I saw that she was in the story. So many authors see her as invisible and she's not important to the story anymore...and yeah she's not, but Gran always needs to be in the picture for some reason. Something is missing if there's no Gran in the story.
Lovely, lovely story! Its so cute and perfect and GAH! Its so perfect. I can't even take it anymore! 10/10 You lovely, amazing author.
CloakAuror9 xxAuthor's Response: Hi there!
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! No worries about taking your time. I knew you would when you had the opportunity. I really wish there were more hours in a day, sometimes! =)
I am happy to know that I have captured the moments well. I worked really hard on making them stand out and speak for themselves.
I am so glad that you liked it and found the way that I portrayed Neville/Hannah realistic and convincing. I was nervous because I've never written them before.
Gran is definitely an essential part of the story and I couldn't leave her out of it. She has so much love for Neville that I just couldn't cut her from it and she has so much yet to give to this story. I am happy that you liked how I included her.
Thank you so much for all the wonderful compliments. =)
-SR17 Report Review
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