Reading Reviews for In Theory
  
18 Reviews Found

Review #1, by LightLeviosa5443 Second

2nd January 2014:
Hey! I'm here for the BvB review battle!!

I love love love love love this story, and I loved loved loved this chapter. I was super excited when I saw that I had to review one of your stories because it reminded me to come back and review this gem!

I really enjoyed reading James in a different setting than a bar. It was nice to see him interact with Hugo, and then how he reacted to seeing mystery man and those annoying girls.

One of the things I enjoyed most was the fact that I felt his annoyance with those girls almost as much as he did, and when he realized he was staring I felt that fluster. You do a really good job of making the emotions sort of jump off of the screen and grab you, so that you're more invested in the story.

Really job well done.

xoxo LL

Author's Response: Hey there - it's so lovely to see you back again! :)

I'm so glad you like this story so much - it's kinda one of my real babies, if that makes sense, so I always love hearing that people like this! Particularly that you came back to do this - I'm so happy! :D

Thank you! I liked putting him in a bar and making him mates with his cousin - it's kinda different to other things I read which was mostly the point of this, so I'm glad you picked up on that! :)

Gah, thank you so much! :) I love description and try to be careful about it, so I'm glad you thought it worked well! :D

Thank you so so much for the lovely pair of reviews - it was so nice to see you come back again! :)

Aph xx


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Review #2, by LightLeviosa5443 First

1st January 2014:
Hi! Here for the BvB review battle!

I honestly didn't read a single thing in the description of this story, just said I was going to blindly pick one. Much to my delight this was in fact a NextGen story.

I think the way you've written this is very interesting. The mood of the story goes wonderfully with the tense you've written it in. I've read a couple of other stories where someone tried to write it similarly to this one, and none of them were as well carried as this one. So incredible job well done!

I'm so glad I stumbled upon this particular story to read, and I know what one I'll come back to if I end up posting behind you once more in the review battle!

xoxo LL

Author's Response: Hey there - thanks so much for stopping by! :)

Wow, that's pretty brave! Not sure I've ever done that or would pick one like that, tbh! Still, I'm glad you liked it and it turned out alright ;)

I'm glad you liked the tense and second person and things - it's not something I'm wholly comfortable with, since I've never read anything like this.

Thank you so much for the compliments - I'm so glad you liked it! :) Hope to see you back soon!

Aph xx


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Review #3, by milominderbinder Fifth

14th December 2013:
Yay, this was such a fun chapter! James and Cecare are so adorable together. I'm so sad this only has five chapters - though I guess it's my own fault since I knew that when I started reading this :P I really hope you haven't properly abandoned this because I want to know so much more about these guys' lives!!

This is an amazing story and you're an amazing writer < 3

~Maia

Author's Response: Hey! :) I'm so glad to see you back again - thank you so much for the whole bunch of reviews! I was completely blown away by it; really didn't expect it at all. It was such a lovely thing to get, so thank you! :)

I'm so glad you like them as a couple! I kinda adore them a little bit myself, haha. Yeah, it's not properly abandoned as such - I'm planning on getting back to it once I've finished other stuff and done more on other things I'm working on and revamping it a bit, so it will get longer (eventually, lol)! ;)

Thank you so much for this review and all the others! :)

Aph xx


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Review #4, by milominderbinder Fourth

14th December 2013:
The International Portkey Centre sounds SO awesome. You have such a gift for painting equisite pictures with words, this totally sounds like something straight out of the wizarding world.

I love how Edgar calls him Jimmy. It's obvious that they have a long friendship because of the childhood type nicknames :P They're so comfortable around each other and I really loved reading their friendship!

Oh my god, the whole not-a-date-date was perfect! And the kiss at the end, wow. This was such an awesome chapter!

~Maia

Author's Response: Hey again! :) I loved inventing the IPC (I even gave it an acronym, lol) - it was so fun to do, though I tried not to make it sound too much like Gringotts :P I'm so glad you liked the descriptions, I always worry I put too much in! :)

Jimmy! Haha, I know a couple of Jameses and calling them Jimmy is always funny... childhood type nicknames - I'm happy you got the sense of a long friendship as well, since that was what I intended. I wanted to make them comfortable, since it's so far in the future, you know? There's no reason for them not to be.

Haha, not-a-date-date, lol. Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked that! I have very little experience with dates, and have never written one before, so I was a little nervous so I'm glad you liked it! :)

Thank you so so much for this - I don't know how you happened on this, tbh - but thank you! :)

Aph xx


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Review #5, by milominderbinder Third

14th December 2013:
Me again! I totally loved the whole Weasley clan in this section, I feel like you wrote them all perfectly. I loved how James and Harry made up. And the whole end section was amazing and so cute!

~Maia

Author's Response: Hey there - glad to see you back again! :) I love writing the Weasley family as a whole... though it's always a bit daunting since there's so many of them, haha. I'm glad you like Harry - I love dad!Harry and was a bit worried he wasn't quite right...

Thank you so much for the lovely review! :)

Aph xx


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Review #6, by milominderbinder Second

14th December 2013:
Hiya! I am SO absorbed in this story right now so I don't want to pause too long before chapters so this is gonna be a short review, but I just wanted to tell you how much I'm enjoying this! God, I absolutely LOVE this characterisation of James! He's so different to the James' I usually see in fic, but somehow, he's exactly what I wish James always was - not the same confident, womanising older sibling, with Albus living in his shadow, but almost the complete other way around. It's so refreshing to read! Your writing style is also incredible and captivating, and I'm having so much fun reading this!

Okay, on to the next chapter :D

~Maia

Author's Response: Hey there - thank you so so much for stopping by! :) I'm so glad you like this story since it's one I adore but I find it impossibly difficult to write, for some strange reason. We're on the same wavelength with James, haha! I got so bored of seeing womanising, Quidditch-playing, jock James II, so that was partly what went into creating him, tbh.

I'm so glad you're enjoying this and thank you so much for dropping by! :)

Aph xx


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Review #7, by caoty Fourth

6th January 2013:
OH MY GOD YOU UPDATED I LOVE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW

This review, therefore, will contain a lot of gushing. Sorry.

Your descriptions of the two different kinds of rain in this chapter are utterly delightful. In general, the weather you've described in this fic tends to suit James' emotions really well. In fact, one of the great strengths of this fic - and what I've read of your works in general - is that it always feels really immersive, character-wise; I genuinely do become your characters, because they're so realistic and they're so relatable. I don't know if I'm making any sense whatsoever, so if I'm not, sorry. It's just that you're really good at narrative voice and that makes me happy.
The kind of details that you only throw in when they're happening, as if James' only just remembered or thought about them, help with that immersive feeling too, like "Edgar's returning from Liechtenstein today" or "the hot guy's name's Cesare". It should feel jarring, but it doesn't. I don't know how you do it.

Erm. Moving on from that gush-vomit up there (hopefully).

I like the lack of gay angst in this fic, too. Your casual mention of discussing boys with Edgar despite the fact that the latter's straight shows that, and it's a reminder that this fic is actually set in the 2020s. That kind of social context is cool, and also you've basically eliminated at least a quarter of the slashfic cliches I so loathe.

AND YAY, THEY KISSED. I've nothing even vaguely intelligent-sounding to say about that... just, it made me happy. I hope Cesare + father are innocent of whatever it was in the first chapter because I really want them to be happy even though they've not actually gone on a date yet, despite whatever Edgar says.

Anyway - THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR UPDATING. And now I'll shut up before I embarrass myself further.

Author's Response: OH MY GOD YOU REVIEWED - I LOVE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW :) And sorry for the late response - uni has been kinda difficult recently, but moving on!

Rain! The excellent thing about writing fics set in England is that I get to describe many different types of rain, seeing as how we get them all. I think we have about twenty different words for 'raining'. And I'm not joking. Gah, thank you so much! James is kinda every person, only he's not at the same time - and hey, I can't explain anything about this, so don't worry about it! ;) I love doing that! This style is so much fun because it's so easy to just throw things in like someone's reminding him. I kinda imagine a light bulb flashing above his head occasionally, lol, but for some reason that never makes it through the editing process...

Yeah, I never really like next gen fics with gay characters which are filled with all this angst about their sexuality and their family because it's a time in the future, you know? So why can't it be fairly normal to be gay? Also, in my headcanon for this story, Edgar's known for years, so even if there was a case for gay angst, he's had plenty of time to get used to it. And yes, I hate cliches, so it's so great to hear you think I've avoided them :)

Hehe... Edgar does like to assume things when not told otherwise... and yes, they kissed! They'll kiss again, don't panic ;) As for Cesare and father being innocent (I literally typed his dad's name and then had to back-track because I'm not sure I've revealed that yet...), well, you'll have to wait and see, I'm afraid ;)

Thank you so much for reviewing - I loved reading this so much and I'm sorry it took so long to reply! :)

Aph xx


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Review #8, by WitnesstoitAll First

30th December 2012:
Hello!

I was scrolling over your page trying to decide what to read, and something about this kept jumping off the page at me, so I decided that this was it!

I thought the use of second person was an interesting choice. I know you utilize this person in Seeing Double, a story that takes place primarily within Molly's head, but this story seems to have more action and things happening so I'm very interested to see how that works out. That being said, you write the second person so well! You have a way of making the reader forget that it is second person and just become immersed in the story, and that's a real talent. I was rather pleased to see that the discription in this story wasn't heavy or languid. James is a young man, and so the lack of overtly flowerly description suited him very well!! Well done! I know that I have a tendency to love the artful pretty descriptions, and so I know I'd likely struggle with toning that down to suit James for a story like this. :) Well done, well done.

Now I know this is a slash fic and I can't help but notice how much attention James is playing this white-wine drinking stranger. I wonder, though -- does James realize now that he's attracted to this man? Has he ever been attracted to a man before? akfasdjfoai. These are good questions to leave a reader asking because now I'm going to most likely have to continue reading this story to find out! lol.

All in all great first chapter! I hope to find time ot read the next one sometime soon. :)

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Review #9, by caoty Third

27th October 2012:
I'm sorry if you wanted me to review something more recent, but I wanted to see how James was doing, so here I am, and I really can't believe this is the first review.
(That's a hell of a run-on sentence, ain't it?)

Anyway. Weasleys. Right. I like how you've characterised the Weasley-Potter clan as a whole as being both tight-knit and fiercely argumentative within themselves. It's lovely, but a bit claustrophobic, and gives us another reason to understand why James moved out like he did. Even if that particular decision is more to do with his parents and brother.

I'm not sure what to make of your decision to refer to Harry as, well, 'Harry', despite the perspective being reader-as-James. Could you explain that to me, please? I felt that it broke the characterisation a bit, but maybe I just don't get it.

The way James talks about Lily and George - you are fantastic at characterisation, you know that? With those kinds of descriptions and anecdotes, and of course the ones here in the narrative present, you've not created characters. You've created real, living, breathing people. You are essentially God. And I'm an atheist, too.

And our international man (model!) of mystery. You tease. I want to know more about this sexy, rich, culturally unaware man, though less for his sake and more for James'. Because I, as the reader, am James, so I kind of get attached, if that makes any sense whatsoever.

Despite the lack of reviews, I'd be thrilled if you carried on with this, because three wonderful chapters in a row ain't bad. :)

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Review #10, by Jchrissy Second

16th July 2012:
Hello! Funny story - I was just thinking about this story the other day and could not remember what it was called! I feel so lucky that Iíve stumbled across it!! Yay for review tag!

So, chapter two, letís play!

In the third paragraph, the sentence about his fingers ghosting over it. I really, really love the imagery it creates. Itís so close, yet not tangible enough to actually grasp. Really well done.

I like second person very seldom -- right now I LOVE it. You have a talent for this very difficult style and it strengthens your story, as opposed to turning it into a confused mess. Thatís very rarely the case I see with this style, I am so ridiculously impressed right now.

This sentence is a bit comma heavy:
Once you work that out, you know, everything will be much smoother, the theory will flow much faster, practically writing itself as the logic allows it to unfold neatly.

I think it would flow better if you remove the comma after Ďyou knowí and I think adding a period after smoother will create a stronger impression for the following sentence.

I really love the descriptions your using -- the sentence about a small voice whispering if he tried again is perfect and really helps us to understand the amount of intense self doubt and fear of failure heís going through.

Oh my gosh I am so happy with your characterizations! James is very different from any other. I feel like every one puts Sirius, James and Harry in a put, stirs it up, and there you have James second. Itís boring to read -- this is literally like taking a drink of ice water. Hugo is also his own, I havenít read many stories with him so I am not sure about other characterizations. But as for yours, I love it.

Your dialogue is very natural, again something that second person usually struggles with. I like your way of relating Hugo and James. They seem more like brothers than cousins. I also like Hugo giving advice, he seems a bit like Jamesís own conscience here. I donít know if that makes sense...

and you have left me very curious with no more chapters to read! I do hope you continue this!

You did a wonderful job with second person, I am really surprised. You have a strong flow, itís slow but in a tense way. Great job, Iím so happy I found this!

Jami

Author's Response: Really? Wow, thanks! :D It's so lovely to hear that you remembered my story! And extra yay for review tag and coincidences (seriously, that's a little bit freaky... O.o)!

Thank you! I really enjoy writing it - it was a real surprise in the beginning, since it's never really talked about or considered a 'proper' voice, but I'm so glad you like it! :)

Thanks so much for pointing that out! I'm terrible with commas - I tend to just fling them in everywhere and hope for the best, lol. I'll definitely go back and take a look at it - cut out a bunch of those commas.

I know! Unlike Albus Potter who gets different characterisations, James is so often the same or very, very similar. I just had to make him different - completely different. It was a temptation I couldn't resist :P Hugo... I literally combined Ron and Hermione for Hugo, although he's more Hermione's son than Ron's at the moment, I think. I'm sure he'll show some amazing lack of tact at some point :)

Yeah, it does! :) He is a bit like James' conscience. I figured that someone who is that clever, who is almost on a different level and that focused could easily need someone to help him with more social things, with things which can't be solved to make 4 or whatever, lol, and Hugo kinda does that for James. I'm so glad you picked up on that, though, thanks! :D

Thank you so much for the lovely review!

Aph xx


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Review #11, by Jchrissy First

30th June 2012:
This is the first hpff I have read that is in second PoV. I have to say, I really, really like it! I think you did a good job with descriptions, everything was very alive and the point of view it's written in makes me feel really connected to the story.

You give us some background information without actually stating it. Which is a very great thing. I know that James works at the Weasley's, that he has some unsettling qualities in his life that bring him to the Tavern quite often, he either has a rocky relationship, or is going through a rocky point with his parents, and he's very observant. I'm not sure where the beginning part fits in, but I don't think I'm suppose to know yet.

Okay, let me go see what you marked for concerns under your review request...

James. I'm having a tough time with answering if he is realistic. Does he seem like most peoples 'James Potter the second' no. That's good, though. Does he seem like Harry Potter's son? Not yet. I think you are asking more of his he realistic in his own, not if he seems like what everyone has decided James Potter is like. That would be a yes. I think this seems like an incredible three dimensional character that has some dark stuff buried inside him, is dealing with some things in life that he isn't handling well, and is probably a good guy. I don't think he seems flat or any male form of Mary Sue. He is a very captivating main character so far, you definitely have me wanting to know more about him.

The first chapter is slow. But, it still draws me in. It gives me a feeling of build up, like you are stacking these straws one by one until BOOM, you choose a brick. If that makes sense. I didn't get bored what-so-ever so, though it's slow, I don't find it anything close to a dull read. It really puts a great sense of anticipation in me, and makes me want to read on. I really like that you take the time for descriptions, also. Each little word sentence you use 'swirling it once before taking a sip' or something close to that, just adds another dimension of complexity to paint a very vivid picture for me.

Like I said earlier, I really like the 2nd person. Not only does it work, but it's great. It makes it feel like I'm being talked to, but it's still James, but I'm part of it. That makes no sense, does it? Haha, but yes, you are doing a great job with the PoV.

This was a strong, solid first chapter. I didn't notice any sort of grammatical errors, I was too into the plot I wasn't even looking!

Thank you so much for requesting, I hope I could be helpful, please feel free to re-request. On a side note, you forgot to link the story :). It was easy to find, I just wanted to let you know so if you copied and pasted that for a re-request, you would be able to go back and link it. :)

-JChrissy

Author's Response: Hey there! I'm so sorry about the unforgivably late review response - I'm so terrible at doing them and there really is no excuse!

I'm glad you like the second person pov! This is actually the second story I've written in 2nd person, and I'm never really sure if I'm doing it right or not. I find it so hard to tell, lol.

I really try not to tell people things, unless it's necessary because... I dunno, I find that when I read, I prefer to pick things up for myself rather than have every other character stating things, you know? It seems more natural to me. I'm so happy you like it, though!

I have to admit that one of the first things I was absolutely sure of when I first got the idea for this was that I didn't want my James Potter II to be like everyone else's. Which meant no Quidditch, no prankster, no Sirius-and-James-mash-up, etc. So yeah. To do that, though, I took a lot of the less talked about qualities from his parents and grandparents (like Lily's cleverness, Harry and Ginny's stubbornness, for example) and tried to make him individual. When I eventually get a new chapter up, hopefully you'll see more of him! :D

Gah, thank you! I tend to write slower stories. No matter what, I've found I really struggle to write non-introspective, non-pretentious, quick stories, lol. Thank you so so much!

Ohh, whoops, sorry! :) Thank you so much for this wonderful review and sorry again for taking so long to reply!

Aph xx


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Review #12, by caoty Second

24th June 2012:
Hello again, I can't believe I'm the first reviewer. But anyway.

You know how I said you've established James as a sort of everyman? You reinforce that with sentences like these:
Itís the kind of place which looks good, but you hate. To you, it has no real character, no sense of home.
I've never met anyone who didn't think like that before. That's a good thing, by the way. I don't know if it was intentional, but it's one of the things I really like about this story so far. It's about an ordinary guy from an extraordinary family, who goes on to try to save someone in a wholly different way to how his father did. (Okay, so that doesn't do it justice at all. Moving on swiftly...)

Speaking of characterisation, I'm glad you've decided to move away from the stock Next Gen characters: James is not some unholy compound of the bad side of James I and the good side of Sirius, and Hugo is not a mini-Ron. And Scorpius is nowhere to be seen! Your characterisation's a breath of fresh air in that respect.

I personally like the pace of the plot. I think it'd lose something of James' Jamesness if you sped it up; he doesn't seem like the kind of person to do things quickly. It also keeps the identity of your OC tantalisingly far away, which ratchets up the suspense (and therefore the interest of the reader!).

The theory that James is working on is very interesting... might I assume it is the same which is referred to in the italic-y bit in First? That you've mentioned it again is very effective - I very much want to know how that theory is going to affect a miscarriage of justice.

What I'm trying to say is, I really like this fic so far, and I'm surprised it hasn't got more reviews. Well done.

Author's Response: Hey there again! Glad to see you back! :D

He is totally ordinary, really. Well, perhaps a lot more intelligent than most people, but he makes up for that in other ways :P Haha, no seriously, it does sum it all up pretty nicely! :)

I know! That was part of my motivation to write this fic, because I got so bored of all the James/OC/Albus fics and all the ones where James is Quidditch Captain/prankster/etc. And that combination is utterly unholy, I agree ;) James is, in my mind at least, a lot more like his grandparents, with bits of his parents creeping in as well. He's a mix :) Hugo! I kinda love Hugo, lol. He's much more Hermione's son than Ron's, I think. At least, he seems to have turned out that was :P

James' Jamesness! Alliteration! :D Ahem, anyway, yeah I really struggle with writing fast-paced plots so I'm so glad you think the pace is all right. Ah, the identity of the OC will be revealed soon... ;)

It is the exactly the same theory! :) I'm so glad you noticed that! I wanted to include it because it really is a pretty major part of the story, and a lot of things happen to do with it and because of it and things ;) Haha, unfortunately you'll have to wait to find that out! Sorry!

Thank you so so much for this lovely review! I loved it! :D

Aph xx


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Review #13, by caoty First

24th June 2012:
Hello, I'm here with the first of your requested reviews~

First of all, kudos for using second person. At first I was a bit uncertain as to what you were trying to acheive by doing so, but then I realised you've sort of made James the everyman: he is the reader, somewhat, with his not-so-brilliantness and desire for independence and so on. (Re: your area of concern - he's very realistic. I make a habit of hanging around with twenty-one/twenty-two-ish guys, so I would know, I think. :P)
It's also as if the narrator is telling James the story, rather than the reader, which gives it a nice intimate feel. Do you know what I mean by that? It made sense in my head. Basically, what I'm telling you is, well done with the narrative style.
Only thing is though, honest to God, the first time I read the bit in italics I thought it was from the OC's POV. Maybe I'm not the brightest star in the sky, but still.

The plot itself isn't the most fast-paced, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. You've created a whole lot of mystery here just through this one chapter: how did James get to where he is now? What's the theory? What's the miscarriage of justice? And most importantly, who is the white wine guy? It draws me in quite a bit, and makes me want to read on, so you needn't worry about that.

A couple of tiny-detail-critiques: how would James know Dior l'homme, and IIRC all magical words are proper nouns, including Apparition.

Well done on this chapter. Part Two of my review is coming up~

Author's Response: Hey there! Thanks! I really enjoy writing in second person, for some weird reason. It's kinda fun. Haha, thanks for that! I honestly had no intention of making James an everyman character - it kinda just happened on it's own. I'm glad he seems realistic - I thought when I first wrote it that I might be going a bit over the top with it, so that's great to hear! :D

Yeah, that's part of what I love about second person. It feels more intimate to me when I'm writing it as well, without the personal idea of first person. Don't worry - it made perfect sense! ;) Gosh, the italics... I know it's a bit confusing, don't worry - I just really wasn't sure how else to really separate the two bits, you know? O.o

Haha, that's a lot of questions! :) And unfortunately I can't give you any answers just yet (except the theory comes up in the next few chapters, as does the white wine guy :P).

Ohh, right, James knows Dior l'homme because Hugo works in Magical fashion - that will become clear later, I promise! Oh gosh, I find the whole capitalisation/non-capitalisation of magical words so difficult! I never know which ones should be and which ones shouldn't be - thanks for letting me know! :D

Thank you so much for this review - it was lovely and very helpful!

Aph xx


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Review #14, by EverDiggory First

18th June 2012:
Wow. Alright! If I ramble, I'm sorry, but this is unlike anything I've ever read.

First off, kudos to you for writing in second person! This is something so rarely ventured upon that you are seriously sticking your neck out there to write this! i think you have done beautifully!

*The flow was incredible, especially with such a tricky thing to write!

*Characterization--you are a god--goddess, I suppose! But you just characterized so well! James was just so great, I fell for his character almost immediately! The fact that he isn't perfect is even better!

*Imagery was fantastic!

*I was quite glad to see very little grammar errors!

*Sentences..well, to be candid, not one was wasted and they were all very..well made up, or structured, if you will!

*Your style is wonderful, it's so unique and beautiful.

*You avoided cliches! While I'm not the 'to hell with cliches' type, it was nice to see James not being a complete prankster or whatever;P

*The plot really pulled me in. It was so interesting, so captivating, and then combine it with the way you write so beautifully, I was completely pulled into this story. I felt like i was actually apart of it, rather than an outsider. I was really in awe with this!

*The hint of mystery really drags the reader into this even further!

All in all, I think this was a wonderfully unique first chapter, and a brilliant set up chapter for what I anticipate to be a mind blowing story. I am so thrilled with this! This is a well deserved 10/10 and i think you should be so incredibly proud of this!

xx

Ever

Author's Response: Haha, it's all right - I don't mind rambling! :D

Second person is something I'd never read until I decided to use it for one of my stories, Seeing Double, and since then I've kinda fallen in like with it, I suppose :P

Aww, thanks! I'm so glad you like James! I wasn't sure if he was believable or not, considering he's a bit older than most characters I've written about and very different.

The lack of errors is pretty much down to LittleWelshGirl99, who's my beta. She's amazing and picks up every little thing! It's almost scary - but amazing! :D

Haha, honestly I am the 'to hell with cliches'. I can't stand them, which is partially why I made James this way. I didn't want him to be the 'normal' James Sirius Potter.

Gosh, thank so so much! This story scared me so much when I first wrote it, because I've never written slash before or about a character in this sort of age range, so it was completely new. Thank you so much! :D

Aph xx


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Review #15, by Cavell First

8th May 2012:
Review tag!

First of all - present tense! Second person! James! Three of the things I love wrapped up in one chapter - ah, bliss! There's absolutely nothing bad I can say to you about this first chapter - there's nothing wrong with it! I like James. I like how he isn't perfect. I like how he argues with his parents, how he knows the Traveller's Rest so well, how this is a slash and the guy isn't a redhead (or at least, that's what I'm assuming), how so very James he seems. In fact, I love your James.

In all honesty, I quite like the idea of this. It's very original, and very interesting, and I can't wait for the next chapter because the first has got me hook, line and sinker. I love all the little things in this that make it so true to life - the two quick, one slow knock on the door, the three D's of Apparating - I could go on all day and still not run out of things to say, that's how good this is!

All I can say is - job well done, and brava!

Author's Response: Hey there!

Haha, I'm glad you like all of them, since they're all fairly central to the story ;) I kinda love James too - he's just so... him. I tried very hard to make him a combination of Harry and Ginny when I characterised him (coz he would be, you know?) and to avoid the stereotypes of James-Quidditch-Captain-dates-every-girl-who's-still-breathing-prankster-Sirius-Potter, because there's loads of stories out there like that. And no, the guy is definitely not a redhead. Definitely not ;)

Thank you so so much! I think you've given me far too many compliments for this, tbh - but thank you for each and every single one! It means so much to me! I was so nervous about writing this because it's something completely new to me, so I'm so happy you like it!

Aph xx


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Review #16, by Sapphire_Skies First

17th April 2012:
I have to say, this is the best piece of fanfiction Iíve read in ages. I love it. Usually, Iím not the biggest fan of second person, I often find it contrived and that it adds an air of melodrama to a fic, but here I liked it. It was engaging rather than obtrusive and at times I forgot it was even there. However, you always run a risk with second person that it can get a bit bogged down with all the narrative, and I did think it fell prey to that particular evil in the middle, but I think that was mainly due to something else which I will discuss later.

I like James as a character. To answer your question, I do think he sounds like a realistic twenty-one year old, and I especially like how you reveal him to us. Itís a gradual introduction and subtle as well, the way you throw hints as to his personality outside what weíre seeing, the fact that heís bad at Quidditch, has had his Apparation licence taken away, it adds to the bigger picture of a decent, well rounded and believable character. Heís a very likable and interesting character.

Technically, your writing was great. I noticed only a few misplaced commas and your sentences on the whole were well structured, however, you do tend to sometimes repeat descriptive words in the same sentence which I felt jarred the flow a little, for example the use of large in this sentence Ď...a man wearing a large-brimmed hat with a large staff in one handí. I feel that using a different word for one of the Ďlargeís would produce a better sounding sentence. The same thing happened in one of the beginning sentences with the word Ďstopí. Here, I understand that youíre using it as an effect, but it hasnít really worked, the execution could have been tightened up a little, I feel. Youíre also guilty of my pet peeve; alright vs all right. Technically, Ďalrightí isnít a word, it should always be separated out as Ďall rightí. But thatís just me being nitpicky.

So, onto my biggest points. Though I generally really liked your style, I thought that at times you were a little overly descriptive, and I think I really noticed this because actually, not much happens in this chapter. Essentially, itís an elaborate description of his day, especially in the second part. There isnít much conflict, much plot compared with the word count aside from Jamesí argument with his family and the appearance of the suspicious guy in the pub. These things did add a very interesting element, but there was a lot of words in between which didnít really add a huge amount to the story. Had your chapter been action packed, I donít think I would have noticed the description as much as I did. Thereís enough plot there to gain my attention, but I wasnít enthralled by what was happening. Whether this is a case of adding more plot or taking away description, I couldnít say as at times I did really enjoy the detail primarily because of the way it was written. Details like the gas and oil lamps were a brilliant touch, so I think it would be a case of both, to be honest; pruning as well as adding.

However, I did really like this and I will certainly be looking out for other chapters. Like I said, this is the best written things in terms of style Iíve seen in a while and so for me, that cancelled out the points above.

Author's Response: Hey there! Thank you! I really enjoy writing second person - I haven't read that much of it, to be honest, so I have no idea what it's usually like - so I'm glad you liked it too!

Thank you! I was a bit worried that perhaps he would seem too much of a troublemaker (in a bad way, you know, not like Fred and George) and that might put people off. Characterisation is also very important to me, so thank you! :D

Ooh, thank you for pointing that out! I got a beta not long after you sent me this review (not because of what you said or anything, in case you think that) and I'm pretty sure she's fixed those problems for me - but I'll definitely remember to look out for things like that in the future. And commas. Alas, they are not my friends. I used to put them everywhere, so thanks for mentioning it - I'll be extra-careful! No! Really? O.o I could have sworn 'alright' was a word... no way... wow. I honestly didn't know that! Thanks! I'm sorry it's your pet peeve and I committed that, but I'm also kinda glad - I would never have found that out otherwise.

Hm... yeah, that was what I was worried about. I always write a lot of description, thinking I don't have enough... thanks for letting me know, though - it's really, really helpful! Particularly for the later chapters - I'll bear that in mind when I write them. I agree with you, though, it's probably a bit of both - take some away, add some more in.

Thank you so so much for this review! It was incredibly helpful (and really honest as well - so lovely!) and just so nice! Thank you! And I'm so sorry it took me so long to respond - I'm not usually this bad, I swear!

Aph xx


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Review #17, by ScorpiusRose17 First

14th April 2012:
Hi there!

I really enjoyed the characterization that you had of James in this chapter. It is nice to see him not always getting into pranking trouble all the time, but in turn he's still getting a telling off by his parents for being messy and what not. I could see Harry and Ginny being that way. First child, out in the world on their own and mom & dad still feel they know best. I think he is a realistic twenty-one year old. They drink, they work, they stink. James has this mysterious side to him in this chapter though. I find it quite intriguing. I think he is similar to his canon counterpart. I also think that His parents seem that way and George and Angelina do too.

I think that you writing this is second person is awesome. It fits the style and comes across as natural. I think the plot is very interesting. I am pulled in and I am highly intrigued by that other person that was at the bar and I want to know more about them. I want to know what James is going to do and if he is going to continue to drink his problems away or if he is going to face them.

Overall, I think that you have a solid first chapter that is unique and natural. Your characters are known, but you still have them carry an air of mystery about them. The plot is inviting and draws me into want to read more and makes me ask questions. I am still amazed at how well you write in second person. It is something I wouldn't be able to do. I did see a couple of small typos, but looking back now I cannot seem to find them. (that is how minor they were)

Keep up the good work! =)

I cannot wait to see where this adventure leads!

-SR17

Author's Response: I'm glad you liked it! I wanted him to be similar to fanon!James but not too similar, so he's messy :P I imagine Harry and Ginny to be very aware of their kids' safety, which is what spawned the whole idea of the arguments and suchlike things. I'm so happy you think the canon characters are close to their canon counterparts, though! It's so hard - particularly with Harry and Ginny, who we know so well! :D

I'm so so happy that it interests you. I was so worried when I wrote it that it just wouldn't contain enough plot - everything spins and spirals out from this point so it was hard to start from anywhere else.

Ah, thank you so much! Second person is actually becoming easier the more I write in it - more and more natural, I suppose. Ooh, typos! I might comb back over this and see if I can catch them! Thanks for mentioning that!

Thank you for the lovely (and helpful) review!
Aph xx


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Review #18, by Siriusly3 First

14th April 2012:
This is interesting, I don't quite know where it's going. A great start, prologue-ish and you've got James's character perfectly OH and I didn't even notice it was 2nd person until you pointed it out, it's really well done! I'm excited for the slash, okay i'm a slash lover :D It flows well, and james is so characterised I love him!:)

Author's Response: Haha, yeah, sorry about that! There's not much plot in this chapter, tbh. I'm glad you like James' character - I wasn't sure if what I was going to make him do/etc. was too far from the fanon!James, you know? Thanks - it's only the second thing I've written in 2nd person, so I was a bit nervous. Don't panic, the slash will turn up soon enough, I promise ;)

Thank you for the lovely review!
Aph xx


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