I'm here for the bronze vs blue battle.
I'll get to the CC and then what I'll get to what I like. There were some grammar mistakes and you've got these two giant paragraphs that I would highly suggest separating (in my own opinion).
I was also a little but confused as to what was going on during this. I was aware that something horrible had happened but I didn't know what it was and everything was a little unclear to me. I didn't even know who the boy was, at first I thought it was James but then as I kept reading I got confused as to if it was really him.
What did I like was the description in this and how much emotion you managed to pack into so few words.Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review! I will be sure to try and make that a bit more clear! :) Report Review
This was interesting. I love that Taylor Swift song and I think it fit this piece. I love James/Lily but back in the day, I used to enjoy shipping the occasional Remus/Lily fic, but I do have mixed feelings about this fic.
First off, I really enjoy your descriptions. You did a great job with the emotions in this fic and you certainly captured my attention with that.
I did find that you had too much plot for such a short fic. I would have rather seen it expanded as I think you lost a lot of the impact from each section because it was so short and not very detailed. The first part with James was pretty vague and I was confused until I read it a few times as to what exactly was going on. That being said, I'm not a fan of drunken!James hitting Lily. That just doesn't fly with me as a J/L shipper, sorry. :(
Remus's part was good, though. I love that Lily went to comfort him and she saw the demons he was battling (you spelled demons wrong, by the way). I was very anxious when you wrote his part, which felt like I was connecting with Lily's emotions at that point, so that was good. Poor Remus. Is he dead?? I couldn't tell exactly, but it makes me sad if he is.
I think this could benefit from being beta-read. There were a few spelling and grammatical errors and some issues where your wording was confusing. Other than those mistakes, though, this was a well-written, emotional fic. I'm sorry that my shipping prejudices got in the way with really understanding the first part.Author's Response: HAHA! I totally understand your shipping prejeduce, because I do it too, don't worry :) Thanks for the help! :) Report Review
Oh my goodness, this was so brilliant! Your description was absolutely superb - everything you were descrining seemed so real, and I just loved how you used figurative description. It gave a dreamlike sort of feel to the whole thing, in a creepy and eerie sort of way.
I like how simple the plot was, too. We didn't know who Lily was talking about, and it was really effective that there were just the two of them. The imagery really brought them together and kept the emotions very raw and real.
I love how you used Taylor's quote, too! I think it really went perfectly with this story, and though I'm not a Lily/Remus shipper, I think that it added more to this one-shot. It was just gorgeous - great job!
~TGKAuthor's Response: AW! Thank you so much! I am so glad you liked it! I've gotten mixed responces from this piece so this is so good! Thank you! Report Review
Hey there! I decided to follow your advice and listen to the song whilst reading it, just to see (and, well, I've just finished revising for the day and I thought a bit of indulgence could be quite fun and all).
So, I really liked some of the imagery you used in this. It was really interesting. I'm not usually a fan of really big paragraphs (that's a lie, I abuse them a lot when I write... I just don't like reading them), but the way you wrote meant it flowed really nicely and the words just had a nice sort of ring to them... which I thought fit in with the background music, as courtesy of Taylor Swift.
I do think you tried to fit in a lot within a really short piece of writing - jumping from the bit with James and the bit with Remus. It was quite jarring, the jump... which was good in a way but I do think you could have extended it a bit, maybe? I don't know, I just think there was a lot in such a short piece.
Saying that, it was really lovely and written very prettily, which I very much enjoyed :)
-ACAuthor's Response: Thank you! This means so much to me! Thank you for typing out so much from the review battle. I deffinintly see where you are coming from on here, so thank you for bringing that to my attention. I cut out a part, because I felt it didn't fit, but I am now reconsidering it. Thank you for your time, I really appreciate it :) Report Review
Hi so I thought this was an interesting peice.
You're imagery was great here. The scene was very dramatic and intense. I could really feel Lily's pain and suffering here.
It was different seeing that it was Remus at the end reather than James. That's who I thought it was through out the entire thing then when I found it was actually Remus I was very suprised, but not unhappy. Her emotions seemed so strong for him that it felt ok that it wasn't James. My one thing here was that you said this was a Lily/James and a Lily/Remus in the story description. I didn't pick up on any spot where James was even mentioned in here so the summary was a bit misleading.
I also saw a few grammatical errors here and there for example, "peircing threw the retched calls..." should be through in stead of threw. Just a few little things like that. Nothing a once over shouldn't be able to fix.
Anyway great story hope to catch you again in another BvB battle
-LizAuthor's Response: Hey! Thanks so much for the review! James is the character in the beginning who slapped her, but it really wasn't that clear. I will fix the typo right away! :) Thanks for your help, and the lovely review! :) Report Review
Wow so dramatic and so descriptive! I am in awe. You have done an amazing job with this story it is so interesting :)
I am blown away!!!
10/10Author's Response: Thanks so much, that means the world to me :) Report Review
I really, really liked this. It was hauntingly beautiful, so sad yet every word used was so eloquent and the sentences beautifully crafted.
Despite this being such a short piece, your words have made an impact which is so refreshing. Being able to read a piece in such a short amount of time but for it to mean so much.
The only thing I want to point out is this particular setence:
"A slur profanities and the smell of fire whiskey sounded in the dark hall."
I think it's meant to say "A slur of profanities," it would make a lot more sense.
This was really fantastic, well done.Author's Response: haha, yeah. I'll fix that right now :)
Thank you so much! This review means so much to me! I really appreciate it :P Report Review
Okay, first of all, let me tell you I really enjoyed reading this. I love the use of metaphors on stories, the common room, the rain..., it was simply beautiful.
It was all quite intriguing, I liked how you left his name for the end. It is also really dramatic, the poetry of it emphasizing even more, and you introduced the quote pretty nicely; it was heartbreaking.
Just a litte something though, I loved the mystery of it all, but who was the drunk boy? Was it James or Remus? I think just a little hair description would clarify that (black and messy or dirty blonde).
I've never read a Lily/Remus before and this was so sad I loved it. Really like a song!Author's Response: Thank you! This means so much to me! Thank you for reading and reviewing! :) Report Review
this needs to be a novel, it has an amazing plot. i was also wondering what year they are in.Author's Response: Why thank you! It's just a little one-shot... I wasn't quite sure what year. Probably 6th year.. I don't think it's all that relevant :) Report Review
Remus, does Remus DIE? Nooo! That's heartbreaking! This was so short and sweet and told beautifully, I didn't understand the story much, but I liked the mystery (a Lily/Remus where he's transformed and died, right?). The quote tied in with it perfectly, i always thought of Lily as motherly and she comforts him beautifully. Your writing is realy lovely! Author's Response: Why thank you! This is so kind! Thank you very much for your time to review! Report Review
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