Hi! PunIntended here from the Fairy Tale Challenge! Sorry for the LONG delay! School and such has started :b
Thank you for the wonderful entry! I wasn't familiar with the Beedle the Bard story, but I looked it up and really like it :) So thank you very much for introducing me to it.
Your writers voice is very nice and the story flowed very effortlessly. The little memory between Remus and Dorcas was very sweet. It made me smile. The plot is very interesting and I definitely want to read more!
Very nice job :)Author's Response: Thank you! I'm so glad you like it! It's my favorite story so far, and I plan to continue it as soon as possible. :) GL with your challenge! I hope I win Report Review
Hello there! It's me again.
Characterization: It was interesting in this chapter to finally see all of the characters. They each have very distinct personalities, and I think you're staying true to the story with how they're acting. Well done! And Remus is so sweet! I just want him to be able to go home though...that's where his REAL girl is.
Descriptions: Well! I recently read the story that this is based off of, actually! And I think you're staying true to it. You're describing things well enough for me to feel like I'm there. Good job!
Emotions: Hm. Well, I could definitely see that Amata is hurting. I feel so bad for her! Poor girl. And I can see Remus's love for her, even though she's definitely not Dorcas, so I don't know why he loves her at all... :P
Plot: Since I actually went and read "The Fountain of Fair Fortune," I know where this story is going! I wonder how Remus will figure into this, though...I have a feeling he'll somehow either A. be the guy Amata falls for, or B. he'll see that she's happy and he'll go home happy. BUT I feel like he's going to take the place of the knight. Just some speculation.
Interactions: I think you've captured the dynamic of the women in the story. Their friendship is one of convenience, and you've grabbed that. I'm interested to see how Remus joins that. :]
Style: You really have the "fairy tale" style here. It's great for this story! I really love that you've used that particular way of story-telling. It's definitely helping you bring the story to life. Good job!
You're doing wonderfully! Keep up the good work!
--EmilyAuthor's Response: Aha. Thank you sooo much for your second review. It means a lot, once again.
You got me...That's what Remus was supposed to do, but I have a feeling that it's too obvious, so I may switch things up. I do'nt want to be a give-away kinda writer! What fun are those? I'm really glad that you went and read the story, because it helps a lot if you read that before you read this one. Thank you so much for this (: I have a fairytale style? Ha, I'm never been told that before. Sounds cool! :) Thanks again xD Report Review
Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums here to review for you! :D So, let's go over things:
Plot: This is a very unique story. I've never read anything quite like it. I think it will continue to intrigue me as I go along. Well done capturing the readers' attention.
Characterization: I think you've Remus spot-on. Great job! I really like that he wasn't just complacent about ending up in a complete different world. And I thought your characterization of Dorcas was very sweet. I like that you put Remus with a canon character, even if it's one that we don't know much about. You're pulling that off quite well.
Descriptions: Good job describing the new world that Remus ended up in. Not much happened in this chapter, so I won't harp on descriptions (I'm a stickler for them. :]), but something to think about, just in general--when describing a situation, the way you bring it to like is with details: how did things look, but not just that--how did they smell, sound, etc. Just general advice! You're doing fine. :]
Emotions: Well, I think you really hit Remus's crush spot-on. Well done! I'm interested to see what else he feels in future chapters. I was a little bit concerned that he wasn't surprised enough when he woke up in a completely random place, but it didn't ruin the chapter.
Interactions: I definitely thought the scene between Dorcas and Remus was cute. They have a really sweet connection, and I can tell that they later became very good friends. I think the situation with Amata was just awkward enough to show that Remus isn't completely comfortable with her, even if she looks like his friend.
So far, you're doing wonderfully. Keep up the good work. I'll read the next chapter soon!
--EmilyAuthor's Response: Thank you sooo much for taking time to review this chapter. I have heard it's good from many people, and I just wanted to know what I needed to fix. I'm really glad that you enjoyed the chapter. The next one is better, in my opinion. I guess I should have made Remus a bit more surprised, but he thinks it's a dream, so he's not so surprised, exactly. And when he's with Amata, he doesn't want her to think that he's ... well, that he's not greatful for her helping him, so he doesn't want to seem weirded-out. Anyways, thank you so much for your review. It means a lot and it really helps me :) Report Review
Alright so the first thing I want to say is that your writing is lovely. You have what one of my teachers would call a true writers voice. Thw way your words seem to flow really grabs at your reader and draws them in. When you combine that with the mistery of your story I think this first chapter is very effective
Now given I have not read JKR's Tales of Beetles Bard, so I can't really tell what you derived from "The Fountain of Fair Fortune". However, what you have going on here in your plot is facinating. You have left me off with a lot of questions (which will presumably be answered as you progress your story). You have me wondering how Remus got there, if he is going to leave, who this woman is, and many more things which I'm not going to list.
I liked your characterization of Remus especially during the flashback. The way he was upset about not being top of his class, felt like the classic goody two shoes that we have been told Remus was like.
As far as your pacing and grammer goes you did good. Nothing feels rushed, or dragging. And I didn't see any noticable grammar/spelling issues.
The one thing I might go back and edit was the flow around where you jumped from the scene with Amata and the Flashback. The way you transitioned left me kind of confused. I wasn't sure whether Amata knocked him out with her wand, whether Remus was just thinking back to the past (or the future because she said that it was 1920) or really what was going on in between there. I would go back and make that more clear.
Other than that this was a great introductory chapter. Keep up the good work :)
BoOkWoRm24Author's Response: Thank you soo much for your review! I really appreciate you taking your time out to do this. If you read the Tales of Beetle the Bard, you'd see that the story has three characters - Amata, Asha, and Althea, the other two appear in the next chapter. I'm glad that you think my characterization is good...I was really worried that Remus would not come off the way I hoped him to - canon.
That's so sweet! You think I have a natural writer's voice...that means so much to me. I'm surprised that it doesn't seem rushed...I tend to do so...I really think this is going to come out a good story.
Yes, I will go back and change that ASAP! =) Thank you so much for taking time to review this chapter. ~Cierra. Report Review
Hi Cierra, it's Eilidh (MrsPotter) from TDA. A review as promised. :)
This was really good. It was a great start and I can't wait to read the next chapter. :)
I love how you write Remus and I love your descriptions! It's so well written and I can already tell this is going to be an awesome story!
10/10 xxAuthor's Response: Aww, thank you Eilidh, that's so sweet. I haven't written much Remus before, so thank you, it means a lot to me. I hope you like the next chapter, which is in for validation (: Report Review
Maybe it was the way her nose wrinkled when she smiled too big, or the way her eyes lit up at something she loved. Or maybe it was the way Dorcas looked at Remus, like she never wanted to be anywhere else. Remus would fall too hard, and he hadn't a clue if he'd ever be able to get up.
^ Loved that entire part. I couldn't stop gushing so I read it over...twice. This was such a cool beginning! The descriptions were fantastic, I could see...well, you can't see darkness but you know what I mean when I say I could 'see' the darkness and what was going on around him. I really understood his confusion too which was great because sometimes the characters are thrown into these predicaments and they kind of just shrug it off like it's nothing. I like that he kind of resisted her.
Nice job! :DAuthor's Response: Aww, thank you so much! I'm so glad that you liked it, I really loved that part as well. I do love the Docas/Remus pairing, if you know what I mean. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review. The second chapter will be in the queue soon if you're interested :) ~Cierra Report Review
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