I just want to start off by saying I hope I don't sound too harsh because that's not how I intend to sound. There were just some things that I liked and didn't like about this. It's not that I didn't like them...well, I'll stop rambling and get to it.
Your writing is really strong, especially your description and the emotions that you portray in the chapter. I found myself seriously interested in Harry since he isn't the Chosen One anymore. He's just a 'normal' teenager compared to what he was in the books so of course he was going to be slightly different. You did stay close to canon though with the way you portrayed him and some of the others. Most notably Dean, Seamus and Hermione. Especially Hermione, though I never like reading her in such a bossy setting, even though we know she really is bossy.
I understand it's AU and I was looking forward to reading an AU story because they're always very interesting since keeping close to canon and the books can be sort of a let down since we know what happened already. I just felt kind of let down reading this first chapter because the dialogue was kind of...well, from reading the summary which sounded so interesting and then reading the dialogue I'm just not sure what direction you're going in.
The letters were an interesting twist. That conversation about the blue letters and Roger Davies getting his was perfect. That was my favorite part but the rest of the conversations were not. I'll be honest, I'm a pretty crude person in real life but I don't like jokes about 'size' and those terrible 'that's what she said' things. I don't find them funny and sure because they were drinking it's not really supposed to be taken seriously but then I think...this is Hogwarts.
I don't find it believable that Dean would be able to get past Filch with the firewhiskey. I don't think they would have been able to get drunk. I felt like you kind of took this out of the context that Hogwarts is still stuck in an age years before the actual timeline of Harry's schooling. I felt like I was reading more about how people talk and act today because when I was in high school this was how people acted and these were the jokes they made around me. I just don't see it for the Wizarding universe.
But that's just my opinion. I do like that you switched Harry and Neville's place, though I wish there would have been more focus on Neville since we see everything through Harry's eyes so much. It would have been interesting to see how Neville would have handled everything and now that I think about it you would have to change a lot to the plot. Were Neville's parents the ones that were killed? Would that mean Lily/James are in St. Mungo's in place of where Alice and Frank are in the books? Or would they be different because they weren't actually Auror's when they were fighting Voldemort. They were part of the Order and could have possibly not met the same fate of going mad from torture because they wouldn't have been seen as powerful.
Interesting. Very interesting.Author's Response: This wasn't harsh at all! Harsh is - that was the worst thing I have ever read. This is rather constructive!
I agree, there is a marked difference in the tone of this first chapter and the rest of the story in terms of dialogue. Perhaps a re-edit will have to be called on, but I did just want to portray Seamus and Dean's juvenile nature. Harry, Ron, Neville, and Hermione, in contrast, avoid the usual crude jokes. I understand that it might seem a bit different in comparison. I'll have to find a way to change it but still keep their raunchy humor.
I thought about doing a more traditional introduction that laid out what exactly happened to Neville, but that's never really been my writing style. I've always been fond of inserting the reader in the middle of the action and foregoing the usual precursor history. I've had complaints (in more than this story) that the style is confusing and I do think that sometimes I need to re-format the story so it's more comprehensible.
But thank you for the great review! It's given me a lot to think about. Report Review
Hi, here from Slytherin Review tag!
I love the 'Trio' reference! It raises the question of whether Ron and Hermione naturally just drift towards The Chosen One as friends, no matter who it was, because they are essentially 'chosen' too, as his companions/helpers. And, it's funny :P
I love Seamus and Dean in this. They're both so cheeky and friendly, we don't get to see that very much by the end of the books. The whole 'hand-eye coordination' joke was brilliant.
The fact that even though this is an AU, the characters are still true to themselves (such as Harry being kind and a bit thoughtful even though he's *not* the Chosen One) is very well written and I enjoyed it. I felt sorry for Hermione being so maligned by Seamus and Dean, but at least Harry can see her worth :)
'Owled in sick' made me smile.
The shift in tone was well done- the conversational way in which they mentioned the war was both realistic and sad.
I also love how Neville is this strong, silent guy. Wonder if that's how people who don't know Harry well see him.
Overall I really liked this fic, I've never read AU before, but I really enjoyed this!Author's Response: Hi! I couldn't help but make lots of canon references even if this is AU. I loved the original trio, so I had to give homages to JKR where I can. Glad you like Seamus and Dean too. I feel they were criminally underwritten in canon.
I wanted to keep the characters in-character as much as possible even though it's AU. Though the circumstances may be a bit different, I think they still would've been roughly around the same people save for a few differences that will be revealed later.
Thanks for reading and I'm ecstatic you liked this AU even though you've never read one before! Report Review
What's the argument between Lily and James?? I'M just a little bit dying to know!! :P Haha, sorry, Lily/James is one of my top pairings so seeing them fighting over something AFTER they got tougether... I'm curious^^
And Umbridge isn't here yet?? Interesting :P
Oh and another question that you probably won't answer because it'll be in the story but that I really need to ask just in case ;) : Why does Snape hate Neville? I mean it's not like Neville's father is James! Or is that part of the story reversed too? Frank could've been an mean teenager for all we know!! :P In any case, I'm pretty curious about that as well!! :)
Oh and grate story btw!! Seriously, I usually hate Trio Era (I think it should really be lef to JKR in most cases) and I'm not a huge AU fan, but this is great!! I'm hooked :P
Adding this to my favs!! :D
-JuneAuthor's Response: The Lily/James here is a bit different from what you normally see so brace yourself!
I can't answer the question particularly for obvious reasons ;), but I don't think its that Snape hates Neville as much that Snape hates all Gryffindors in general.
I'm glad you like the story even though its Trio and AU. It departs a lot from the original storyline, so hopefully you can read to it more than just 'another' Trio story.
Hoping to update it very soon! Report Review
I've always wondered what would've happened if Neville had been The Boy Who Lived^^ I'm not really into AU usually but for this, I'll take it :P Oh and I love that Harry fancies Hermione!!^^ I mean, if you think about Harry/Ginny probably never would've happened if Harry wasn't the Chosen One right?
I loved Ron and Hermione in this, and the cute little "If it were another world, Harry was not sure if he could be able to do the same" Made me laugh :P
Anyways, well done!! This is really good and I'll RR your next chapter as soon as I can!! :D
-JuneAuthor's Response: I'm glad you liked the little "another world" tidbit. I like to throw in little things like that since most of my stories are AU just as a shout out to canon.
I'm glad you like the original trio's interactions. It was a bit strange writing Harry as not one of the Trio, but I found ways to make it work.
Thanks for your review again! Report Review
What an interesting AU! I usually avoid AU, but everything about this story (starting from the title, the banner, and of course the story itself) is drawing me in, and I'm really glad that I give this one a chance. Mm... what to say... There are so many things that I want to comment on (don't worry, it will be good comments)...
First off, (I think some people have mentioned it before), I really like that fact that Harry isn't part of the golden trio. It will give the story a whole new perspective. And I'm so glad you didn't go in the direction where everything went almost exactly the same like in the book but only with different heroes.
Then, Harry/Hermione. I think it will work out really well. I've read a couple of Harry/Hermione story, but so far I haven't found a satisfactory one. Though I like the idea, they are usually poorly executed. Seeing yours, I think you could pull it off just fine.
I really like Harry's characterization actually. I was expecting him to be quite a different Harry, considering this is an AU, but I feel like I'm reading the Harry I know.
Well I could go on and on.. but just to make it quick, I think you put a lot of interesting and intriguing points in this story that made readers wonder and of course wanting to know more.
So, keep it up!Author's Response: Hopefully I can convince you of a good Harry/Hermione story with this one!
And I didn't want Harry to be part of the trio either. I went to great lengths to create this whole new world that's still slightly familiar. I kind of did that for everyone so while this is definitely AU, you'll still be able to recognize the characters.
I hope you keep on reading as I enjoy your reviews very much! Report Review
Review tag! (:
Very interesting AU you've got going here. It's always been a bit of a mystery how the wizarding world would be different had Neville been the one chosen by Voldemort instead, so it's interesting to see people's theories on that.
I like the way you've set it up to be more warlike. Like how people are being drafted and such. That's definitely not something I've seen before in hp fanfiction, so kudos to you for originality.
This was a fun scene, too. Those boys and their mischief. When will they learn? :PAuthor's Response: Thanks for the tag!
Thanks for liking the more warlike atmosphere. Trust me, there's plenty of that going on during this story. I appreciate you taking the time out to put down a nice review. Report Review
Good story. Interesting premise. I often wondered what would have happened if Voldemort attacked Neville and not Harry. I don't know if there would be a boy who lived, since Snape wouldn't bother to ask Voldy to spare Lily. However, this was an interesting AU. Maybe you could make a prequel to the night Frank and Alice diedAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review. That's an interesting idea for a one-shot that I haven't really explored. Maybe I'll have to write it! Report Review
Poor Harry. I liked how you gave us a little bit of Harry's family history. It's interesting thinking where James and Lily's relationship would have gone if it had been different.
I liked the interaction between Harry and Hermione! I normally don't read Harry/Hermione fics but I find this very believable and so far I just love the plot!
The flow and characterization is great too. :) Don't change anything. You're doing perfect! No grammar errors either.
10/10!Author's Response: I'm glad I got you to like the Harry/Hermione ship! Ironically, I think it's the ginger child of ships and I appreciate your openness to it.
Thanks for crediting my believability and characterization. Sometimes I think I get too convoluted in my stories, so I make sure to create really solid characters that don't have mechanical dialogue.
Thanks for the review again and I hope you keep on reading future chapters! Report Review
I find it very interesting! So far the plot is believable. I find it interesting that you placed Harry with being friends with Dean and Seamus more then Ron and Hermione. I think it's interesting how things would be if Neville had been the-boy-who-lived instead of Harry and I really like your take on it! I'm enjoying this! 10/10! :) Report Review
This story is very good so far :) I love the way Harry can just feel attracted to Hermione without all that "She's my best friend and I'm definatly going to lose her if I love her" crap. Please keep writing this!!Author's Response: Glad you like the different dynamics! There's more romance in the future so keep on reading I hope. Report Review
javct45 here with your requested review (also, tag!)
First off, sorry for taking so long - I was away on holiday without internet but I'm back now and I'm frantically making up for lost time haha.
Anyway, I found this story very interesting. I've never read stories where Neville was The Chosen One before (or any AUs in general because their usually horribly cliche'd) but this story was really good :)
I didn't pick up many grammatical errors or spelling mistakes which made me happy!
JasAuthor's Response: Thanks for taking the time to respond! I know how busy a schedule can be.
But I'm glad you think that my AU isn't horribly cliche'd. I try to avoid that all costs.
Thanks for the review! Report Review
Hurray! You are starting to get it on here. I have been waiting. I love this story.Author's Response: I know! Validation takes a while but it should be all up before long. Report Review
Here from Review Tag :D
This is awesome. I mean, I've seen these stories around and I'm like 'meh, whatever' because AU isn't my thing. And then I read this and I'm like o.O. This is so funny, I literally laughed out loud. I love the friendship of Seamus, Dean and Harry, they're so cool together. I also like seeing Neville through Harry's eyes and thinking about what an idiot Harry must have looked like to the others sometimes. I also like the little changes you've made like the requests of students because I can't imagine it happening in the other universe and quite want to know what Neville did wrong so that this happened. I am also interested in the Harry/Hermione ship! Because it's not really Harry as we know him so it's not weird for them to get together. I also want to see Harry and his parents :') Pleaaase tell me when you have a new chapter of this up because I super love it. The flow is great and the banter between the boys seems natural. I like seeing this side of Hogwarts, boys drinking in dorms, without it seeming false/cliched. All in all it's great and so interesting! So yeah :DAuthor's Response: I'm glad you liked it! There's quite a few things that are a bit different about this universe (including James and Lily) and I'll keep you updated if there's a new chapter. Report Review
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