Wow! This first chapter is so philosophical with Rose seeming so clever and deep talking about the past present and future. It seems like the knows it all and I think that is how you intended it to be as this is Rose with hindsight.
This is Rose who describes herself as a foolish girl who just wanted to be with the foolish boy which I assume is Scorpius. She talks about how rhey thought they knew everything and they just wanted to be together. I just love ScoRose and can't imagine them not being together so seeing this makes me think they dont end up together which makes me sad.
I think it is pretty heartbreaking though that Rose will die before she's born. Please feel free to re-request!Author's Response: Hi :) Sorry for taking so long to reply.
I'm glad that you found the deep Rose interesting; it was a bit hard to pull off with all the different versions of her I have floating around. I'm glad that you found it appealing with her thoughts floating about. Her death before birth is what will drive the whole story, especially since it is unknown to the Rose who will be narrating the rest, as I want the reader to experience it as she does.
As to whether or not Rose and Scorpius will end up being together in the end, all I can do is quote River Song- "Spoilers".
Thanks for reviewing :)
~Anna Report Review
Yay for Doctor Who! This story looks good so far! Can't wait for the next bit :)Author's Response: Awesome seeing another Whovian on this site! I'll be updating soon, thanks for the review :) Report Review
Wow all I can say is that you have taken Doctor who to a whole new level being able to appear in a fictional world :P
I love how you have kept the Doctor true to himself. "Fezzes are cool!"
It's nice to see that you have used some very good description and true to form characters.Author's Response: I'm glad that you like it so far :) I'll update ASAP and I hope you keep reading :)
~Anna Report Review
MORE, MORE, MORE!!! Amasing! Best fan-fic EVERAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review :) Report Review
oh. VERY VERY VERYVERYVERY GOOD! IT TOTALLY SOUNDS LIKE A DOCTER WHO THING, AND IT REALLY GRABS M ATTENTION!
:)Author's Response: Glad you liked it :) Report Review
Here with your review request. To be completely honest I am not sure this prologue is really needed. I think you could have gone straight into the story with out this and still have a really compelling story. I really liked the last line of the chapter, which in turn was the summary of the chapter, the line about this is how I died before I was born, amazing. That is the kind of line that really pulls in a reader and keeps them reading.
I felt that the first half of the chapter was a bit repetitive, the second part was a bit jumbled, and the last part was pretty much telling the reader what the whole story is going to be based on. All the information that is given in this chapter can be found out as the reader gets into the story. I think you have a really good idea with combining a harry potter next generation with a Doctor who type plot. I am curious to see how the rest of the story will end up.Author's Response: Hi :)
My main intent for the prologue was, indeed, to give the base of the story. I tend to repeat myself a lot, and I do so in hopes of getting the point across. In my opinion, I think that going right into the story would have seemed sudden, but to each his/her own :) I wanted to give a bit of how Rose's life was going to change. I'm glad that the last line pulled you in, in was exactly what I was going for there.
Thanks for the review :)
~Anna Report Review
Hey! I'm here with your requested review :)
I think this is a nice 'real' first chapter. I haven't really watched DW diligently since the Tenth Doctor (who was always my favorite), but I could still kind of follow what was going on here despite not being totally familiar with the characters. I guess what I'm saying is that I felt like I was getting to know them at the same time that Rose and Scorpius were, so it all worked out for me in the end. I really liked how you tied the two worlds together in subtle ways, like when you compared the TARDIS to Hermione's magically expanded handbag.
The flow went much better here for me, and I don't feel like you tried to introduce too much or too little at once -- it was perfect, just enough to keep me interested. I also didn't spot too much technical errors. The one thing I am kind of curious about is the parents of the graduating students -- in my experience, Graduation Ball is usually held before the actual ceremony, so the students can have one last night to hang out together, and then the parents come for graduation and everything is over. If graduation was that morning, I'm curious as to why Rose and Scorpius's parents weren't mentioned much here, and furthermore, why they didn't catch Rose and Scorpius going missing. I think trying to explain that a little more would just give me the last little bit of closure I need here.
I really liked the dialogue here, and from what I do know of DW, I think it fit well with what I'd expect. I didn't see a whole lot of imagery, and so you might consider adding more of that in, especially when Rose and Scorpius get to see more of the TARDIS in the next chapter. Overall, I thought this was really nice, and feel free to re-request again. (Thanks for using the correct form, by the way!)
Good work! I hope this review is helpful :)
Recenseo 2012Author's Response: Hi, sorry it took me so long to get back :/
My main intention is to have this for those who are familiar with Eleven, Amy, Rory, and River, but I'm glad that I have it in a manner that can introduce them the same way as Rose and Scorpius. I wasn't sure about my comparisons- I'm glad you thought they fit!
I've been working on flow a lot, and it's good to know I'm improving- I tend to sometimes ramble, and I'm always nervous about getting the amount of information wrong. About the Graduation thing, I know that's the way it works, but I wanted for Rose and Scorpius to have a good chance to get away. I also know that sometimes students organize their own after-graduation parties, so I decided that they would probably want it at Hogwarts, since it's large. By the time the ball had started, the parents had left, giving them some time to themselves. I guess I should add that in; thanks for pointing out that it might cause confusion.
Dialogue is another thing I tend to drag, and I never am completely sure whether or not it seems awkward. Thanks for telling me about the imagery, I have fixed it up in future chapters and I will edit it into this one later on.
Your reviews are really helpful, thank you so much! I'll be back when I add another chapter :)
~Anna Report Review
Hey perelandra here with your second review!
First off, kudos to your for keeping the Doctor in character. Everything he said felt like something he would say and that made me happy. Rose and Scorpius howeveqr are another story. Their characterization felt flat and kinda opposite of what they would be. Rose comes from a loving family headed by Molly...the woman who adopted Harry as her son. What happened with Rose to become a cynic? A family full of joy and love will not produce a teenage girl who doesnt believe in emotions. Scorpius I would believe...not Rose.
Another thing...would't they question the fact that the Doctor & co. Pretty much said that their world was or wasnt a story.they didntredact to that. I would if someone were saying that everything I have known to be real is all of the sudden a story to other people.
Lastly...flow and imagery. Since Rose is telling the story of how she died...shouldnt she be saying "i said" instead of "I say"? I seriously think that your story would flow a lot better. As for imagery...to be honest...When I read this I was imagening them just standing by the lake just talking.
For example you have something along the lines of "I agree with Amy" says Rory.
You could change it to where it reads "I agree with Amy," ssid Rory as I noticed him shifting nervously from one leg to another.
Little things like that really bring a story to life. You have potential, thats for sure.
Anyway...hope you dont think I'm being harsh! Feel free to re-request once I'm open and you updated.
P.S. sorry if there are mistakes...Im typing this review in an annoying tablet.Author's Response: Thanks for letting me know that the Doctor remained in character- keeping him, Amy, Rory, and River the same was one of my main worries. About Rose, I stated in a previous response that I was going to include flashbacks- some of which would lead up to a change in her character and views on life as she grew up, due to certain events. I do understand how at this point, it seems out of character for her.
I was wondering myself about how Rose and Scorpius would react to them saying their world was a story, but each time I attempted, it didnt seem to fit in. When I go back to edit, which I will rather soon, I might try to fit in something that will work, seeing as you found it unnatural.
I personally find writing in the present tense easier, and I think it makes it easier to fall into the story. Just my view on it, however. I can see that it doesn't seem to make sense, but for me writing first person past tense doesn't really seem to work. I could, of course, work on it and edit later :)
Honestly, I've always been kind of dull on imagery, and I'm doing my best to work on it. I'm always worried that I'll end up adding too much detail instead of just right, but it seems that I'm going for too little. I'll keep that in mind as I work on later chapters, and I'll surely add in more detail to give it a more vivid picture.
You're not being too harsh, and I wholeheartedly appreciate the constructive criticism. I'll keep all of your tips in mind as I continue the story, and I'll definitely be re-requesting when I add chapters.
Thanks again :)
~Anna Report Review
Perelandra here with your review.
I really can't comment on this since there's no plot yet (just the prologue), no characterization and your narrative seems fine.
What bugged me, though, were two things. Too repetitive everywhere. It feels like you're just going in circles without going anywhere with your prologue. I think you were trying to have a narrative like Rose when she 'died' at the end of S2 but somehow you just kept going on, and on and on with the same thing instead of giving us detail of Rose leaving along with 'the foolish boy'. Or their struggle to be together.
Second, you don't add #'s to stories. You actually spell out the number. So instead of having '1,000 years' it should be 'a thousand years'.
Overall, it's intriguing. On with chapter two.Author's Response: Firstly, thanks for reviewing :)
I can see what you mean with it being repetitive. I seem to have the bad habit of repeating, as I've learned with some of my other stories. I was indeed going along the lines of that narrative, but I wanted to give more detail on the changes in Rose's view on life and other things rather than telling about her and the boy, which I'm planning on doing later on in the story by means of flashbacks. I do understand, however, that you as the reader would like to know more about that in the prologue, rather than the changes.
Also, thank you for pointing out the number thing. I'll fix it up here and keep it in mind in the future :)
Thank you for the constructive criticism, and for pointing out what you though should be improved. Your review was very helpful, and I'll be re-requesting in the near future :)
~Anna Report Review
Hi there! I'm here with your requested review :)
I thought this was a nice start to a Dr. Who crossover story. You did a good job of beginning to show how the two universes are going to intersect later on, and I liked your continuity - what I mean is, I like how you established themes in the beginning ("I used to think...") and then dealt with each one and corrected it by the end of the chapter. It was also nice to see how you used the theme of opposites: past/present, knowing everything/knowing nothing, infinite/finite, etc. I felt like that helped with the continuity.
My main critique of this prologue is that it dragged a little bit for me. I think it's because it's so abstract and vague. I think that makes for a very nice beginning to a prologue, but I would have preferred to see a little bit more action or character development here, or even a little bit more imagery. I'm a very concrete person, so it's entirely possible that this feeling is just a bias on my part. If I were you, I would take a look at what other reviewers think and then consider whether or not you feel that more is needed here. Oh, and I think overall the grammar, punctuation and spelling are very good, but I did notice one tiny typo. In the paragraph where you first start talking about the Doctor, "at fist glance" should be "at first glance". That the only thing I caught :)
It's only the prologue, so I don't really feel like I can comment on characterization, dialogue, plot, or imagery very much at this point. If you re-request, I can certainly try to offer more of those comments in reviews for later chapters. I do like your writing style, and I feel like you've done a good job of setting up a number of themes here, all of which will be interesting to explore in both the Harry Potter and Dr. Who universes. All in all, this is a really promising start! :)
Nice job. I hope this review is helpful!
-AmandaAuthor's Response: First of all, thank you for reviewing :)
As for the prologue, thank you for letting me know that it was a bit dragging. The other reviews are mixed, but I'll keep in mind what you said, so next time I'll make sure to check if it isn't too long or detailed. Thanks for pointing out the typo, I'll fix it up as soon as I can :)
Also, I'm glad that you thought that the opposites theme worked. It was my intention to get inside of Rose's head and show what was really going through her mind as she thought of how her life had changed.
Your review was very helpful, and I'll keep what you said in mind. You can be sure that I'll be re-requesting for this and requesting for my other stories in the near future. Once again, thank you!
I really like this story! The doctor seems funny and a bit mad, just like the show. Definitely excited to see where this goes.
Oh ps, are you excited for series 7? :)Author's Response: Thanks for letting me know that I'm not OOC-ing him :) I'm working on more chapters right now, I have 3 written and am working on the fourth.
I'm REALLY excited for series 7, I was actually lucky enough to watch them film in Central Park, and I met the three of them :) From what I saw, its going to be amazing :) Report Review
Omg I love you and this is amazing asdfghjkl Report Review
Good chapter! You've captured the doctor, rory, Amy and river very well! like all the quotes and references to doctor who!
Keen to read more soon!Author's Response: My biggest worry was that I would make them OOC, so I'm glad I didn't do that :) I hope you'll keep reading :) Report Review
Ok so really good prologue! It was so well written- flowed amazingly well and really set an interesting/captivating (slightly haunting) theme! Sets up so that I'm super keen to read more soon! Also loved the last line, and I LOVE DOCTOR WHO!Author's Response: Thank you so much :) I'm glad you enjoyed it, and I hope you stick around.
Whovians for the win! :D Report Review
I like how you presented the material. It flowed nicely. The "foolish boy, foolish girl" motif was nicely done as well.
Overall, good jobAuthor's Response: Thank you for the review :) I wanted to open with a prologue that set up the story and could give the reader some ideas on what is to come, without giving too much away. The next chapter is in validation, and thank you again for reviewing :) Report Review
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