I thought this was a lovely one-shot. I adored your description of Luna, and the way you insert small snippets of quirkiness into her everyday actions - banana pancakes? I think yes.
What I found particularly good and in-cannon was this line: "It was said, that the emerald was supposed to change colour when it sensed signs of unfaithfulness, but even Luna thought that was just a silly legend".
Most people just portray Luna as the weird girl, oblivious to the world surrounding her, always ranting about unknown species.
Unknown species with names that seem to have been created by the author letting their cat dance the hokey-pokey on the keyboard, might I add.
You, on the other hand, make Luna aware of the fact that she is different from the others, and have made her evolve. She is obviously more posed and mature in your story, which I find completely normal - I mean, she did spend months in captivity, that has got to affect her, right? You included this, and it gives her persona more depth.
I seriously hate Rolf and Hannah right now. How dare they? HOW DARE THEY?! Luna's reaction was exactly what I imagined it would be, so I wasn't disappointed there. And also, awww, you gave her a happy ending. The Neville/Hannah shipper that I (traditonally) am can just go sulk in a corner right now, your ending was exactly what this story needed!
The legend about the emeralds, is it real, or did you make that part up? In any case it added a very nice touch to the story :) I also liked the fact that an emerald is the type of ring you'd associate to Slytherin, and that here Luna does show a more agressive, cunning, suspicious side (the Slytherin cliche by excellence, not that this was cliche at all), which is always a welcome change...
I hope you have a wonderful Christmas &hearts
Your Secret SantaAuthor's Response: Hi Secret Santa!
Thankyou for your lovely review you really made my day! :D
Thankyou for all your complements! Yes the story about the Emeralds is apparently true (according to my crystal book) but it does sound a bit farfetched!
I actually have never thought of that though with the gem being associated to Slytherin but I see what you mean now!
Thankyou again for such a kind review and thankyou for taking the time to stop by!
Merry Christmas to you to!
~HT Report Review
Hi, I'm here from the BVB review battle.
This was such a sweet story. I've never been a big fan of Luna/Rolf - I always thought J. K. Rowling decided that Luna should be paired up with someone so she invented Rolf. But I've always loved Luna/Neville, I think that they would make a really great couple, so I definitely enjoyed this story although I felt really bad for Luna.
I found a few errors as I was reading through. One was that you mentioned that Neville and Hannah didn't attend the wedding, then towards the end of the story you say that Luna caught Rolf staring at Hannah during the wedding.
I found another error when Luna said “These were painted for his mother, weren’t they?”. I think that you meant to say planted instead of painted?
I really liked the way that you sort of based the story on Luna's Emerald Ring and I loved the mention and excerpts from "A Healers Guide to Crystals." Also I liked that you included a little flashback of how Luna and Rolf met, I think that it added a much greater depth to this story. And you characterized Rolf really well, by the end of this story I pretty much despised him.
CharlieAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for reading this and for taking the time to write such a lovely review. I will fix those errors ASAP so thankyou for pointing them out to me.
~PWG/Ht Report Review
Hello! This is Nymphie Tonks from the review battle. I had a little spare time on my hands and figured I’d do a quick review before bed, so here I am!
I first of all would like to say, I’m glad this one-shot ended as a Neville/Luna. I know it’s not cannon and usually I’m very narrow-minded about other pairing, but I absolutely adore Neville/Luna. I don’t know why. I’ll still read Luna/Rolf, but it’s just never as great as I know it can be ;)
I would also like to say that you picked a very interesting idea to incorporate into the story, which of course would be the emerald ring and it changing colours with unfaithfulness. I will admit that it did sort of give away the fact that Rolf was cheating on her, but it was actually a quite creative way to work it in. I particularly liked it. Also the fact that Rolf had fallen in love with Hannah. Not something I have seen a lot in Rolf/Luna, Luna/Neville stories.
A couple of things that I will comment about though:
When you switch to Rolf’s POV, you say that Rolf met Hannah and Neville after the wedding as Neville and Hannah were unable to attend. Towards the end, you then have Luna remember a moment at their[Luna/Rolf’s] wedding where Luna overlooked Hannah and Rolf locking eyes. So you may want to consider revising one of the two versions of when Rolf and Hannah met.
The next thing I have is a simple wording fix: “To her dismay she wasn’t, and so she went upstairs to have a shower.” In this sentence, you mean ‘he wasn’t’ as Luna was looking for Rolf.
And the last thing which was scattered a little bit here and there would be excessive commas. There were a lot of places where you put in an unnecessary comma. One example of this would be this sentence: “By the time it was 7 pm, they had laughed till their stomachs hurt, and eaten until they were so full, they felt as if they were balloons, that would burst at any moment.” –The commas after full and balloons are unnecessary. The sentence flows as one without the commas because otherwise reading it is choppy. There were a couple other sentences I noticed to, so you may want to do a quick check with those. [I realize it’s kinda nitpicky…but I’m a bit of a grammar nerd xD]
Other than those few things, I quite enjoyed the story. It was a good little read to get in before bed. Great job! Can’t wait to see what other sorts of stories you’ll come out with! :D
~GrimmerzAuthor's Response: Thankyou for the lovely review and sorry that it has taken so long to respond. I will keep those things in mind for when I do the next story update! I appreciate your helpful review thankyou!
I love reading stories with Luna in them. This was beautifully written. I could really feel Luna's emotions in the story, and you did a great job of setting up the story and showing how it unfolded from Rolf and Luna's points of view. :)
It's well-edited, and I don't see any grammar mistakes, which I love. :) I feel like the spacing between some of the paragraphs could be fixed to improve the flow of the story, but that's just a technicality (and it's very frustrating to figure the spacing thing out).
You have great description, too, and you do a great job of describing setting. I love your idea with the emerald. I've never heard that particular part before, though - is that an actual legend, or did you make it up for the story?
AetherAuthor's Response: Thanks for stopping by and leaving a review, I really appreciate it :)
Well the emerald is supposed to symbolize faithfulness and (according to my crystal book) when it changes colour it symbolizes unfaithfulness. Report Review
Oh, Luna/Neville! I used to be a big fan of the pairing. They are just so cute together; truly adorable. I like how you started out with Luna and Neville being wed to their respective spouses. It made me sad to see the pair of them both be cheated on - and with the other's spouse no doubt! I especially felt for Luna when she came to realization of her husband's unfaithfulness. Luna was always one of my personal favorites so reading about her being upset and not smiling - something we aren't used to from Luna - really reached out to me. Heartbreaking. I wish the confrontation between Luna and Rolf could have been expanded - only because I really wanted to see that unfaithful man be laid down!
If you don't mind, I just wanted to point out a few things. :) I liked your description but I felt there could have been a little more detail on it so that we can better understand and feel even more the emotions that coursed through Luna and Neville. I like how you structured the story with the flashbacks included (I adore, adore, adore flashbacks!).
I found your grammar pretty okay overall. I noticed though that you forgot to place commas at times with quotations. It popped up a few times in the story. Like in here:
In reply, Rolf grumbled "Yes".
There should be a comma after grumbled. Commas should always be placed when introducing a quote, like in the sentence I pointed out. :)
But overall, interesting story. My heart is still aching for that broken Luna! I'm glad Neville and her hook up though. It would be depressing if the both of them remained upset and shattered over their cheating spouses. Or shall I say EX-spouses now. ;) Glad I got to read this!Author's Response: Hi,
I appreciate your review!
Yes, I am aware of the grammar errors (whoops). I know that rule but for some reason didn't apply it with this story *confused*.
I think I might add to the conversation between Luna and Rolf and make the pace slower.
Thankyou again! Report Review
This is quite an interestiong story, and one which I feel won't be done justice by my review, but I will try and put what I can into this.
For one, I genuinely like your portrayals of Rolf -as most of the stories I read focus on Luna and leave Rolf as an unknown. He is quite an unusual, and dislikable character (and the fact that I dislike him without him doing anything horrificly wrong beyond being unfaithful is a credit to your writing skill), and reading the section of his POV to get a glimpse of his thoughts was a good idea, something which helped release some of the tension that was being created - as well as creating more.
While I liked the portrayal of Rolf, my favourite part is the ending (from when Luna realises the truth), as this was not well written, but it is also nice to see Luna as something other than the usually shown eccentric. Her reaction was not only believable, but also very enjoyable.
I'm trying my best to find some form of constructive criticism to offer - honest! My only possible point is that some of the story feels a little rushed, and I think this could benefit from the pace being slowed.
I loved the story, and look forwards to some future projects!
-RHAuthor's Response: Wow thankyou so much I really appreciate your kind review :) Slowing the pace down is something that I've been meaning to do for a while but just haven't had the time.
Thanks again! Report Review
No one can cheat on Luna! I've decided that this is so and therefore this story must change! :( (Joking)
This bout of realism in Luna's life is different. She's got a bit of her old self as described by Rolf when he meets her and a little bit in the way she keeps track of crystals and such. Rolf is such a scumbag to do that to Luna and so is Hannah (in regards to Neville). It's good that Luna had intuition of Rolf's unfaithfulness even beforehand with her dreams and such.
You've got a good story here and I would like to suggest making this either A) a longer one-shot or B) a short story. It seems a little rushed at some points and you have the potential of really milking the emotion out of this story. Also, the characters, especially Rolf and Hannah, could be explored more so that we could get more of a sense of who these people are since we didn't read about them in the books.
The only other thing I want to comment on is that the sentences sometimes were too long. Break it up so as to create more of a flow.
Otherwise, like I said, this story was a good plotline especially one to fit in a one-shot! It makes me sad that Rolf was cheating on Luna.
xCharAuthor's Response: :) Thankyou Report Review
Hey there! First, I love how you wrote about Luna and Neville. I honestly never read stories about them and I think they are rather under-appreciated characters in the fandom, so it makes me happy that you at least appreciate them. I also enjoyed your idea of the emerald crystal, and how it tracked faithfulness - that is certainly an interesting idea that I haven't seen done before.
That being said, I do have a few criticisms for you. I didn't notice any spelling errors but you do have a couple of grammar errors, so I would recommend getting a beta (having a second set of eyes is always helpful, believe me) or even just checking out the Grammar Guidelines subforum on the forums. There are some really great topics in there that I think would be of use to you, specifically one about dialogue punctuation - if I remember correctly. In addition, I did feel that the pacing of this story was a little off; it seemed to move really quickly, as if you were eager to get to the end. I would've liked to see you spend more time developing the characters and the plot and showing their relationships. For example, instead of just describing how Rolf had been growing distant about his work in the end of the story, why not show the reader that in the beginning of the chapter? And, of the same vein, instead of skipping over Neville and Luna's catching up, it'd be nice if we could see some of their conversation and interaction so as to better understand their abrupt marriage at the end. One of the most crucial aspects of writing is learning how to show instead of just tell, and I think that's the number one critique I have for you about this story.
Aside from that, I did like what I saw of your characters because (as I said before) it's definitely a fresh take on their post-Hogwarts experiences. Most people seem to portray Rolf and Luna as a perfect match so I like that you decided to be more original and offer a different perspective on their relationship. While your Luna wasn't quite as weird and aloof as I imagined Luna, I did enjoy your Rolf - if only because it seems to me that he's no more in love with Hannah than he thought he was with Luna. To me, there are some serious complexities to his character hinted at in the fact that he falls in love so quickly...perhaps he has some type of dependency issues? (: I would've liked to see more character development of him and Hannah, to see why they both acted the way they did besides finding themselves spontaneously in love. But, regardless, I still found his character amusing him and I liked how you took the time to describe the beginning of his infatuation with Hannah.
As far as plot goes, I do think you could include a little bit more to make things more interesting here. Right now, it all seems a bit straightforward and apparent from the start that Rolf is cheating on her and that you're going to pair her up with Neville. It'd be nice if it was a little more subtle, almost. But, at the same time, I have to admit that there is a certain charm to the straightforward nature of your writing. I feel like it's very easy for authors to get caught up in fancy words and flowery poetry and there were parts of this that were endearing in their directness. I think my favorite part is: "Rolf was pleased to be out of the house. In truth, he wasn't actually going to work at all. In fact, his work with animals had been so slow and boring lately that he had barely been going to work at all. No, that was all a lie to cover up what he was really doing. Rolf Scamander was seeing someone, secretly, and the last thing he needed was his stupid wife messing things up" - if only because it's so brutally honest. I have to applaud you for that, because being that direct is a special sort of art of its own, I think.
That's about all I can think to say. I'm sorry if I offended you with any of my criticisms as I certainly didn't mean to. I think you're off to a very good start with this story and I really enjoyed the originality of the idea; I just wish it was fleshed out more so I could really see your writing shine. I'm looking forward to seeing what else you write (:
Cherry BearAuthor's Response: Wow, that's one big review!
No, you definitely did not offend me with your criticism, actually I love reviewers that give out constructive criticism because they are so helpful, so thankyou :)
I think that the grammar problems are mostly typos which I haven't had time to fix yet, but I will definitely take a look at the plot and the other things you wrote about and work out how to fix things up!
Thanks again :) Report Review
You've done a nice job here of fitting quite a lot of information into two-thousand-something words. Between the line breaks, flashbacks, and your mini epilogue at the end, it did not feel rushed at all. That's also thanks to your amount of detail in each scene, so that they were long enough to satisfy the reader. The flashbacks too included just enough information, but not so much that they detracted from the story.
One thing I did notice, however, was how black and white this story was. Rolf and Hannah were the bad guys, the unfaithful ones, while Luna and Neville were the poor loved ones left behind, unaware that anything was amiss. In real life, things rarely go that way. Everyone has both flaws and redeeming qualities, which is why relationships can be so tricky; maybe it's easy to make excuses for someone, or it's incredibly painful to break up even when you know you need to. I would really have loved to see more of that sort of depth to your four characters here. When a reader sees that, they are more emotionally engaged in the story, because they have to decide who to root for and the choice is not always easy. That's the sort of detail that makes a story truly complex.
I would also suggest checking out the Writers Resources section of the forums for some grammar guidelines. In many places you were missing punctuation for your dialogue, such as in this example, there should be a comma after 'sorry': "'Look I'm sorry' Rolf muttered,"
But grammar is easy enough to fix, and overall, you did a good job with this. As soon as you mentioned the legend about the emerald, I could imagine what was going to happen, so that was a very nice bit of foreshadowing there. Plus, you tied it all in at the end, giving the reader a real sense of closure. And, of course, Neville and Luna got married and lived happily ever after, which is always a pleasure to read. I was pleased that they were not set back by Rolf and Hannah's affair for too long.
I also liked the way you treated Luna. She was not over-the-top weird, nor a hundred percent normal, and you got in some of her well-known traits. For example, the Crumple-Horned Snorkack and her love of her friends, as well as her general insightfulness. That's not always easy to do. Nice job!Author's Response: Ok I will keep all of your advice in mind, so thankyou! I think that the grammar problems are probably mostly typos, so I'll have a look soon.
Thnx :) Report Review
It's Rosie from the blue vs bronze review battle! :)
Woah. I thought this was going to be a fluffy, happy, Luna/Rolf one-shot but was I wrong!
I've always liked the Luna/Rolf ship. I always thought of Rolf as someone who's similar to Luna when it comes to personality and interests. So his betrayal to Luna was a real shock to me. I honestly can't imagine someone betraying Luna of all people because she's just so...innocent.
I really liked the beginning of the story, with the mood and the description. But near the end the portions are short and it made the story seem too fast-paced. Maybe if you included more detail about their relationships, it would extend the smaller portions so that the story seems more steadily paced?
The end was the real shocker; Rolf finally betrays Luna and then Luna marries Neville. I was like: "No way, you evil Rolf!"
A really refreshing one-shot. The betrayal and the use of the emerald was very creative- an unexpected twist to Luna/Rolf and Hannah/Neville. Well done! :)
~RosieAuthor's Response: Thankyou so much! I am not really a fan of Luna/Rolf and prefer Neville/Luna by a long way so I guess that's why I wrote the story.
I will keep all of your advice in mind when I come to editing this story again, so thanks.
This was a lovely story. I loved the beginning, it sounded so romantic. I thought that Rolf and Luna sounded so right for each other what with their similar interests in mythical animals etc.
Then when it went onto Rolf being unfaithful with Hannah, I thought you rotter, and since their wedding day to.
Nice story and 10/10 adding to fav story.
Thanks for adding me as a fav author. I was wondering which one or ones of my stories you enjoyed?Author's Response: Hi!
Thankyou so much for the review I am very grateful :) I have not yet reviewed your stories yet as I have been waiting for some others to get back to me on what stories they want reviewed but I'm thinking that I will probably start reviewing tomorrow anyway!
The beginning of this story is absolubtely fabulous...
I think you wrote Luna and Rolf with their relationship amazingly well and I'm so glad to see that you got the characterisation of Luna almost perfect with her mystery around...
I think in general Luna's pretty assertive but in terms of Rolf being unfaithful i don't think she'd have really have noticed too much because she'd have trusted him.
However I think as we got towards the end of the story you rushed the action too much with Luna and Neville happening to be at the same place and then luna noticing her ring then kicking Rolf out and then her and Neville getting married. Maybe take a step back and slow down as you're writing that to really give the reader the impression that Luna is upset about the infidelity of Rolf.
Anyway regardless of that I think that you managed to pull this off really well with it being both a Luna/Rolf and a Neville/Luna pairing and really liked it!Author's Response: Oh wow thanks!
I am editing and updating this now but I am going to try and slow it down a bit at the end.
I am glad you enjoyed this!
hedwigs_theme Report Review
This sort of divided me a little. On the one hand, I thought the beginning was good, I loved the part in italics; it was very emotive and gave an insight into Luna’s feelings and her state of mind, a good beginning to set the tone of the fic. However, after that the sections got very short and I don’t think there was enough in them to justify what was happening. I was being told what Rolf was doing, but I couldn’t really picture it or feel it because you didn’t delve into his mind or emotions. I think those sections could benefit from being elongated.
I also spotted a fair few grammatical mistakes, especially with commas, so you might want to enlist the help of a beta who really knows commas to give you a bit of a hand to understand them.
Overall, I felt that this fic showed promise, but the execution of it in the middle parts let it down slightly.Author's Response: Hi
Thankyou for reviewing! The grammar and spelling errors were mostly typos and for some reason I missed them when I was editing. I am also adding alot more into this story, based on yours and others reviews. Hopefully the updated version wil be up soon.
Thanks again. Report Review
I was really liking the story in the first part, but then it seemed like some of the spelling and grammar became very apparent. I still liked the story, but I think this might have a big part on your reviews. :) There was one point you called Rolf a she, and a few other spelling mistakes, along with a few needed commas. I also didn't really get the Luna feel, though the part where she was following the flowers caught her perfectly and I really liked that. I also wish that the fight scene came out. It would have been nice to see the breakdown of the fight.
The story in general seemed to go by really fast, and I really would have been happy to see more. :) The emerald detail was incredibly nice and a good idea. Maybe if you would have gone more into Rolf's mind when you did his POV, and show how he at least used to be in love with Luna once upon a time ago, it really would have helped. I didn't feel like there was ever love between them once. It made what we know of Rolf seem a bit out of character.
Though, I think with a bit of editing and expansions, this story could be really great. You have some really nice ideas, but it just goes by so fast and it has very little detail, I'd love to see more!
Sorry it took so long to reply, by the way! :) I didn't have internet over the weekend like I thought I would. 7/10!Author's Response: Oh thanks so much for your review, it is very helpful! I have been told in a previous review that there are some grammatical and spelling errors in this story, and so I will fix them up when I have the time. I will also keep your tips in mind when I edit this story fully (again when I have time:))
Thankyou so much I really appreciate it! Report Review
Awesome job once again, though I think this is your best one by far. My only problem is that Neville and Luna got married a year later? I would have thought it'd take longer for Luna to get over Rolf, as what happens in most relationships, and married Neville later than that.
Great job again.
~dobby~Author's Response: Thankyou for reading. I guess that she probably would take some time for Luna to get over Rolf. I will have a think about it but thanks for bringing it up!
ht Report Review
I must say I wasn't sure about reading this story at the beginning because I'm not a huge fan of Luna/Rolf...however, the ending definitely made up for that! Neville/Luna for life! Yaaay!
Though this story had a lot of sad undertones in it, I think you've managed to keep it a light and enjoyable read. I like the inclusion of the emerald ring, it seems very Luna.
The only criticism I had was of the spelling. There were a few mistakes...such as right at the end "leat" instead of least, though I do think that the majority were typo's.
Great job with this story and I hope to read more of your work soon. =]Author's Response: Wow thankyou so much for spending time to read and review my story I really appreciate it. I agree, I think that most of the spelling errors were typos, so when I get the time I will go over and edit the whole story.
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