Hi there! Sorry your review has taken ages!
Anyway, I really liked the seriousness you started with. The article was one of many dead, and we know that, but at this time Lily doesn't. She has no idea how threaded in with the war, or that it will take her life. It's just a thing. And that was such an awesome attitude to start with, I think.
I feel like you had an excellent balance of detail so that we didn't get lost in description but we had a good idea of what was going on.
It's Christmas time, and all she wants is to be happy. That felt like a very solid way to start the story off, to give her a reason to go for a walk and thus meet Mark. It was developed in a way that enhanced her character, and seemed just as important to getting to know her as it did for being a ploy to introduce your OC. Really well done!!
I loved the ending with who I assume is Severus in the background. And I'm sure this will add to his healthy dose of muggle detesting.
Mark seems very normal. And I love that. His remarks were teenage boyish/funny, and he had a great attitude. He felt like the kind of person that you would run into, and the kind of chat that could start from it. I feel like people often try and do too much too soon, but this was just right.
Awesome start, and please feel free to rerequest when my slots are open :)!!
Jami Report Review
javct45 back again with another review.
Yay for a Severus chapter! I love reading about Severus and seeing him develop from a timid boy into Professor Snape.
This chapter was written really well, although I didn't like the ending. I don't know why, maybe it was because 1) Severus yelled at his mother (I've always been taught to never do that and it just strikes me as being very OOC for Severus - I don't think he ever really yelled in the books and 2) a part of the dialogue is in cap locks.
Might I make a suggestion? Instead of using cap locks to show Severus' emotions, try using adverbs after the dialogue has finished. I've always found them to be more effective and they always just look better as well. Cap locks, in my opinion at least, are kind of pointless when we have a whole language out there (most of which, isn't used anymore)!
I liked the way you wrote Rodolphus though. He's a character that I think a lot of writers forget about.
Feel free to re-request!
Jasmine, x Report Review
javct45 here with your requested review.
First off, let me say that I'm a diehard James/Lily shipper so I was (and still am) very skeptical about reading a story where Lily is paired with an OC, but nonetheless, I'm impressed at the start of this story. It's original and not a very explored way of writing the Marauders. I'm quite curious to see Mark's character develop.
I adore your use of nostalgia in this chapter: mentioning Severus (I hope we see more of him in chapters to come) and going back to the park where, basically, everything began (in a way to speak).
In your "areas of concern" you mentioned a reviewer commented on your beginning. I had a look through the reviews for the first chapter and I didn't really know what I was suppose to comment on :/
Jasmine, x Report Review
Hey, I'm here with your requested review.
So generally I'm a huge Lily/James shipper, and I've never read a Lily/OC before, so I might end up being a bit useless. Just warning you in advance. Sorry.
I love the amount of realism you've got here. The way you've presented the war in Lily's perspective, especially when it comes to the young kids and the juxtaposition (ooh, fancy word) with something as traditionally happy as Christmas, is extremely well done and perfectly natural.
Actually, in general, Lily's characterisation is believable and pretty much perfect.
I really like the idea of her developing a relationship with a Muggle during wartime. It's like, maybe Tom Riddle can control some things, but he can't control the growing of romance even in the worst of times. It's lovely. (I'm a hopeless romantic.)
I do have a couple of critiques for you, but they're both technical rather than anything to do with the content. First off, you've got a few random spaces where they shouldn't be, and some missing where they should be. Also, you've got some really big paragraphs, especially just after the Daily Prophet report; they're a bit intimidating, so maybe separate those a bit, just to make it easier to read, please?
Anyway. This was, in fact, an interesting start to your story, and you may find me popping in at other times to see how this develops, so watch this space. And good luck with writing this. :)Author's Response: Thank you for the insights. I love what you say about Voldemort being unable to control love! And I'm glad you think this is interesting. The random spaces I'll have to look at. I must have missed that... And the really big paragraphs too. Thanks for pointing them out! Report Review
Here with another review. I accidently put down chapter 5 in the thread so just ignore that I knew it was 3 my hands just weren't keeping up with my mind.
Okay...so I thought that this chapter was just as interesting as the first one. I like the different take that you took on it. I like seing Lily differently than we are use to.
The chapter flow was smooth and the pace held together in consistancy. Together they were well balanced. The description was really well done and I liked how you add the simplest things into the chapter to make the entire thing come alive.
I felt bad at the end with Severus. I could just picture him standing there all unhappy at what they had just argued about. Lily was characterized well as was Severus.
I like the way that this is going and I am intrigued to read the next chapter! Keep up the awesome writing! =)
Recenseo 2012Author's Response: Thank you for the reveiw, I'm glad you're intrigued by it. And yes, poor Severus. Sometimes you do have to feel a bit sorry for him, even though here, Lily is justified in treating him how she does (at least, I think so!). Thanks once again for the review :) Report Review
Hey, this is Rosem here with your review. So sorry this took me like decades to get to lol
I think you have a nice little story on your hands.
I'm not normally one for a lot of description and thoughts, but I think that this had just the right amount of balance and the way you did it really helped with her characterization. I think we really get a glimpse of her in this chapter.
I do like the opening, I think it starts to show how bad things are, but I think it could do with a slightly more catching line.
I love your description in this. I can picture everything clearly and think you did an awesome job with it.
I liked how you mentioned Severus in it and I'm kind of hoping you'll bring him back in it in further chapters.
The ending was really sweet and I think mark seems like an interesting character, it'll be nice to find out a bit more about him hopefully in later chapters.
Overall, this is really great and I look forward to reading more. Again sorry for such a late reviewAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review, and no worries about the wait :D I'm glad you liked it. I agree with you about the opening, it's been pointed out before, so it's something I'll definitely look at because there is a big drop in number of reads between the first and second chapters, and I think it may be putting people off.
Once again, thank you for the review :) Report Review
This was another beautifully written chapter! I loved it! I didn't see any spelling, grammar, typos, or any of those types of things throughout it. It was a smoothly paced chapter that flowed well in it's transitions.
I could feel the emotion packed into this chapter more than the last one. It had more action and was more emphasised. Especially when the Death Eaters came calling. I could feel the sinister attitude that exuded from them. It was quite creepy.
I thought you did a wonderful job portraying Severus and his feelings throughout the chapter. It was nice to see things from his point of view. The way that he felt seeing Lily with Mark and the way he feels towards his mother. It's not something we see a lot so it was nice to see it explored. I liked the exchange between him and Rodolphus. It felt real. The only part that I found a tad bit unbelievable was when Rodolphus claimed that The Dark Lord will wait until he is of age. It seemed a bit far fetched to me considering that I don't think that Voldemort would give a darn either way. You may have a reason for this and if you do that is fine, but I thought I would point that out. Food for thought sort of thing.
Overall, I think you are doing an amazing job. This chapter really captures my intrigue right off since it is a change of pace and you switch it up. As it goes on it changes in mood and pace. It gives the readers that angsty feeling and ties into the first chapter's feelings and settings nicely. There is one place that I found a bit unbelievable that I pointed out. I wasn't sure if you did it purposely or not, but it is something for you to think about.
Keep up the terrific work! =)
Please feel free to re-request at any time!
I hope I've been helpful.
-SR17Author's Response: Thanks for this review too! The thing with Rodolphus telling Snape Voldemort wouldn't accept him until he's of age... I can totally see why you find it unbelievable, after all, Regulus was under age when he joined. It doesn't really serve any other purpose except I was perhaps a little lazy. I imagine that if he was offered the opportunity, Snape would jump at the chance to become a Death Eater at this point, irrelevant of age but I don't personally believe that he'd join until he left school. Basically, I didn't want Snape to offer himself up there and then because at the time, this fic is about Lily (it was written for a challenge on another site). I probably should have tackled it a little better, thank you for pointing it out (I had three betas for this and none of them noticed!).
I'm glad you liked it and thank you so much for the reviews. You certainly have been helpful. Report Review
First of all I want to say that when I do reviews I look for a lot of things. I look for the good things that I liked, the quality of the writing, the errors that I see, and maybe some insight as to what your main concerns are when you request the review. I do NOT review to be harsh, I review to be constructive. So I would like you to keep those in mind when you read this.
This was a beautifully written first chapter. I've read quite a lot of stories and first chapters, but this one tops the list of not having grammar mistakes, spelling error, confusing sentences, and those sort of things that take away from first chapters. It makes the flow of the story transition well and progress fluidly.
The begining with the Ministry Offical being found dead seemed a little flat. I don't know if it's because you didn't use punctuation to emphasis the seriousness of the situation? Like the headline for example. "Top Ministry Offical Found Dead" This is only a thought. It was interesting, but I would think that you would want it to kind of grip you in away too? Since this is what is setting the tone of your story as it progresses into Lily and her thougts and feelings.
I love how you characterized Lily. I thought it was well done and you kept her personality alive. The thoughts of when she met Mark Foster and how certain things if said from James would annoy her. It gave her depth as a character. I also liked how insightful she was. Here she is a Witch in a world that is at war, yet here she is trying to bridge the gap between her wizarding world and her family world which are two very different places. I also like how you gave her that sense of forbodding with the feeling of the boy losing his parents and how she would feel if her world was turned upside down. You also incorporated her feelings towards Severus. She is a complex character and thankfully you didn't make her one dimensional.
I liked this small teaser that we get of Mark. I think he is going to be a great character to get to know in the story as it continues and a great asset to Lily in finding herself as a person.
Overall, I think this is an amazing chapter. It's beautifully written, well thought out and I love how you describe the scenes and feelings of Lily and the families who have already been marred by this war. I think that it could use a little sprucing up at the begining to make it pop just a little more to give it that sense to draw more people in. (Again that is only a suggestion.) I am curious and anxious to learn more about Mark and to see where else this story leads.
Keep up the terrific work! You truly have wonderful writing skills!! =)
P.s. Please ignore any of my grammar mistakes or anything like that as I am not that great at them. Thanks ;)Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing, and no worries about sounding harsh, I have a thick skin when it comes to my stories and am a firm believer that it is through criticism that you learn. Thanks for being honest. That newspaper article was the hardest thing to write out of the whole fic. Clearly I am no journalist. I hadn't really considered sprucing it up before, but I will definitely think about it, it's a good suggestion.
I'm glad you liked the characters and the chapter in general :D Thanks again for reviewing! Report Review
I enjoyed this chapter more than the previous one. Perhaps it's the Slytherin in me, but I do like the discretion Rodolphus used. It shows that Death Eaters aren't the thick headed goons they're shown in canon. Severus' reactions were also spot on, from his excitement to being recruited and recognized to his fear for Lily. Poor Eileen, so distraught with her husband's death that she overlooked something so easily.
The rather straightforward beginning from Lily has taken a more mysterious turn in this chapter and I can see the threads start forming. I wonder if the story will stay focused on Lily and Severus or if it will introduce the larger set of characters. Both storylines have potential merit and you have ability enough to tell a good story with both. I'm interested in the outcome.Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing again! I'm glad you liked this one better. This whole thing was originally written and posted elsewhere as a one shot, but at near on ten thousand words I decided to split it up. The split between first and second chapter isn't really ideal, I know, as it leaves the first chapter a little dull, but without major re-writes, I couldn't think of any other way to do it, so I split it as you find it.
I'm very pleased that you found Rodolphus to be decently discreet. I found that ridiculously hard to write as I struggle with subtlety and also was worried that I didn't have Snape's characterisation quite right here, so I'm very grateful that you've picked up on it. Thanks once again for the review! Report Review
This was an interesting one shot, representing lots of interesting themes. It was well written with dark and foreboding tones in the beginning to blanket the story with a hint of darkness, but then lightened up after Lily met Mark.
I like how even after Lily leaves the house, she's still unable to escape the feeling of dread upon her, reflecting her overall inability to separate herself from the upcoming war. Her interaction with Mark is cute and accepting his offer for a impromptu date is tempered by the fact that Snape is still lurking behind her. It's symbolic of the fact that she won't ever truly escape the wizarding world and that her acceptance of Mark's proposal is nothing more than a temporary reprieve.
A well written story that touches on some interesting things. Solid 8/10.Author's Response: Thanks very much for the review. I'm glad you picked up on Lily not being able to truly escape the wizarding world as it plays a part in the next chapters. Report Review
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