Reading Reviews for Unconnected World
  
16 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Beeezie First Darkness

4th May 2012:
Hey, this is Beeezie, here with your overdue review. :)

Just a quick note: in the future, please do not just write "general review." When people are not specific, I do not fill their requests. You did specify pacing and flow on your request, which is why I'm filling this, but I just want to make you aware of that for the future.

I've struggled with this review for awhile, because this kind of story just isn't really my thing. As a result, this review has wound up being embarrassingly short. I'm sorry, and I really did try my best.

The chapter was well-written. You definitely have a talent for crafting words together to create a real, vivid sense of how the character is feeling. Draco's fear and confusion was communicated brilliantly - you expressed it well, and as importantly, you expressed it in a believable way. I felt the tension and the uncertainty in his narrative, and it was honestly a little contagious.

My major issue with this piece was that I felt like there simply wasn't enough to tangibly tie this story to Draco Malfoy. Most of the chapter was just so abstract that I had a hard time connecting to it - I mean, yes, I know it was supposed to be Draco, and I don't think that he was OOC, exactly, but there wasn't much reference to canon, either, which made it difficult for me to feel invested in him as a character.

That's just a personal preference thing - a lot of people don't need a story to be as tangible as I do, and they also don't need as strong a connection to canon to get pulled into the story. I do think that having a little more detail and description of his sensory experiences would have helped give the story a little more depth, but again, that could just be me.

I'm sorry I wasn't very helpful, and that my review was so short. :(

Author's Response: Thanks for coming by. I apologize for the "general review" slip up when requesting this.

I'm glad the way I wrote it was contagious. That's what a writer likes to hear, right? XP

There is a reason there is not much connecting him to the story. He doesn't know exactly who he is, which is why he's not particularly canon. I've planned out two sequels for this and everything will become a bit more clear as the time passes. I will, however, attempt to bring out his character a bit more.

You were, in fact, really helpful so thank-you. (:
Brittanique


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Review #2, by Siriusly3 More Questions

26th April 2012:
This is so..original! I don't know who this man is, what he's done, who these people are. And i like that, I feel like he does, confused and mysified. I feel his darkness, who is this apple-y woman!? Yeah, I like where this is going so update soon;)

Author's Response: That makes me so happy to hear you say it's original. I was a bit worried. I'm also glad you can feel the darkness. That's what I was going for! All will be revealed in due time. xD

Brittanique


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Review #3, by Siriusly3 First Darkness

26th April 2012:
This was angsty and dark and mysterious '(I forgot to read who it was about, and I like that) There's a lot of confusion in these delrious thoughts and I think it's got the emotions and pain played really nicely. I hope this guy gets his treatment! i love his thoughts and that he's basically comatose while he hears them! :D

Author's Response: Thanks! I'm glad I pulled it off well enough. XD

Brittanique


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Review #4, by ScorpiusRose17 More Questions

13th April 2012:
Hi there agian!

Well this is another intense chapter. Full of that mystery and angst of the unknown. I really thought that it flowed well and progressed along. The voice of this piece holds a mysterious air about it that still makes it intriguing. I am anxious to find out about who and what else is going to happen.

I think you have a great style of writing angsty pieces and chapters. Everyone has their own unique way of writing and I think that you do a wonderful job stretching out into something your not as comfortable with.

Overall, I think it's great! I loved it when the healer is referred to as "My lovely Apple Lady." =) You do a great job holding onto my curiousity throughout the chapter. The flow and progression are well done and the chapter is generally well described. After reading the previous chapter and this one I can smell the sent of apples now.

Keep up the great work!

I can't wait to see where this goes.

-SR17

Author's Response: Hey again!

I'm so pleased to hear that I've been able to keep up the mystery and air of darkness around this fic. I'm hoping to do so for the entire (possibly) ten chapters of this fic. As this is going to be a trilogy, I think I can afford myself the luxury of keeping everyone in the dark until the last minute. I don't want to keep everything to myself though, because that may turn people away and all.

I'm also glad that you like my style. Like I said previously, I was unsure whether or not to post this as it is a new thing to me. I'm happy it's enjoyable though.

"My Lovely Apple Lady" is my favourite too. (: Thanks for everything.

Brittanique



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Review #5, by ScorpiusRose17 First Darkness

13th April 2012:
Hi there!

Well first off for not doing the dark, angsty stories much, I thought that you did a great job with it. You took a topic that isn't at all enjoyable to talk about no matter who you are and made it what it is. Mysterious, angsty and curious.

The voice of this chapter spoke volumes to anyone who takes the time to only listen to it. It progresses in a way that pulls you along with it and you can't help, but be curious. The flow was well done and I didn't see any messy transitions between. I did see a confusing sentence that I will point out to you.

"Her voice was shrill, if I had bones I could feel it would have grated on them."

Even after I read this out loud I was confused. Just wanted to point it out and get your oppinion about it.

Overall, I think you did a brilliant job bring about how mysterious death is. Whatever has happened -I am sure that we will find out-gives it that level of angst or suspense that drives it along. I think the flow was great, the progression great and the voice of the piece was enough to send chills down my spine (in a good way). There are just somethings that I cannot put into words with it. The only thing that I saw that was off was a confusing sentence, but I am sure that can be something you could easily remedy. My intrigue is sparked. I love it when Author's don't reveal the identities of the characters right away, it helps build the angst in a different way. It is a little confusing at first for anyone who hasn't read a chapter like this before, but it is done really well.

Keep up the great work! =)

-SR17

Author's Response: Hey!

I'm glad I'm doing it well. I was a little intimidated to post something like this as I haven't seen many fics that focus solely on the topic of death/unconsciousness, but I am glad I chose to do it because it has been fun so far.

Well, now that the sentence has been pointed out it does sound a bit awkward. I'll see what I can do about reworking it. I guess I was trying to convey that her voice so shrill that it was something that would annoy someone to the bone (if in fact they could feel their bones, you know?)

Thanks a lot. I'm glad I got what I needed to across. And yes, we will definitely be finding out what has happened to him in a few chapters.

Thanks again! I always look forward to your reviews. (:
Brittanique


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Review #6, by weaselredhair First Darkness

12th April 2012:
thanks for keeping it potter. the banner a mean.

Author's Response: Um. Thanks?

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Review #7, by AJPotter More Questions

8th April 2012:
I love where this seems to be leading us, the readers. Your plot is very strong and your story is very mysterious, which is what I should expect from a Horror/Dark fic. I believe you are pulling me in. I did not want it to end where it did. I want to keep going. This is giving me a drive to figure out what is happening. It is like the HP books all over again.

I seem to be rambling. Again, I notice that there is not much critiquing needed. Your grammar and spelling is spot on. Your plot line keeps growing, even in the short chapters so far. If I was an English teacher, the Lord would need to save us if I was, I would give you top marks for this so far.

I cannot wait for the next chapter and I will be adding this to my Favorites.

Great work and keep it up.

AJPotter

Author's Response: Wow! I'm simply speechless. You comparing my story to the HP books is... amazing to say the least. Thanks, so much. You've no idea how honored I am.

I'm glad I'm getting somewhere with the short chapters. I was worried that people would think that they stall the story.

Thank-you so much. This really means a lot. I'll be getting the next chapter up soon!

Brittanique


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Review #8, by AJPotter First Darkness

7th April 2012:
Wow, this chapter was full of strengths. This seems to be a good chapter. I should be critiquing here, but I think that should wait for the next chapter. Anyway, I do not this this chapter needs much critiquing anyway.

Great writing.

AJPotter

Author's Response: Thanks a bunch! I'm glad you liked it!

Brittanique


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Review #9, by Maelody More Questions

7th April 2012:
Have you ever read One Flew Over the cukoo's Nest? I have, and I've decided this reminds me of that (don't worry, I loved that story)! I feel like I'm in a mental patient's head who isn't really mental. I want to scream with him that someone should listen to him, or mention what happened to him. I din't even know who he is yet and I think you got the emotions down just right. :) I give this chapter 10/10!

Author's Response: I absolutely LOVED One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest! It was brilliant and I am floored that my fic reminds you of that. I'm just.. Wow. THANK-YOU!

While I was writing it, I imagined myself in his shoes. Hoping to invoke some emotions within everybody so they feel sorry for him. I'm glad it worked.

Thanks.
Brittanique


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Review #10, by Maelody First Darkness

5th April 2012:
This is an incredible piece of work going on here. It is hard to capture a bit of death, especially in the first person, or what is presumed to be death. I think you did a very good job and I didn't get lost once. Your spelling and grammar was very good, and I couldn't stop reading this for one second. I praise you and the wonderful work you did on capturing such a terrifying moment in such a short span of time (in this case, very few words). I hope this continues and I plan to continue reading. :)

Author's Response: Thanks for coming by with your awesome words. I'm glad I captured such a terrifying thing as well. It was terribly hard to write. Not just because I never write in first person, but because it is a dark piece and I'm not usually one to write out the dark ones that come to mind.

Thanks for coming by. Chapter two is in the queue right now and should be validated sometime today hopefully!
Brittanique


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Review #11, by Javct (wouldn't let me log on for some reason) First Darkness

4th April 2012:
Javct45 here with your review!

Hmm. This was very interesting. I like how you've written this; it's very unique. I don't think I've ever come across a story that was written like this before (which is very good). I think you should defiantly continue this story- I really wanna know what happens next!

There were one or two grammatical mistakes in this piece but it didn't detract from the story too much. May I suggest getting a beta? They are extremely friendly and very helpful :)

I loved Draco's thoughts throughout this story. It added to the emphasis of the story. Just one thing that slightly confused me, Draco was killed by the killing curse right? If so, then how did Draco come back? Note, I may have just missed something (I'm almost falling asleep at the keyboard).

All in all, I really enjoyed this! Great Draco story and let me know as soon as the next chapter comes up! I really want to see what happens next!

Jas

Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for coming by!

I'm glad you found this interesting. I've been working on the second chapter so it should be up fairly soon. XD

I will definitely think about getting a beta. Thanks for pointing it out.

Yes, Draco was hit by something of the sort. But we don't exactly know just yet. All will be revealed shortly. XD This isn't a very long fic so hopefully answers will be given soon.

I will definitely let you know when the next one is up.

Brittanique


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Review #12, by VioletBlade First Darkness

3rd April 2012:
Hey, thanks for doing the swap with me! (:

So I really liked this piece! For one, I just love it when authors can capture despair, confusion, and dark themes just right and you've done that here for sure! The way you wove the main character's (I'm assuming it's Draco, yes?) fear of dying and wanting to be saved even though he doesn't know who saved him is wonderfully written!

I love the way you've enabled the reader to connect to who I'm assuming is Draco! You do write very well! Not many authors I've come across can do so well with a dark piece, let me tell you! They're a rare find! :) I'm curiously intrigued into this story, just so you know! I'll have to keep an eye out for updates!

P.S. I'm not a big Draco/Hermione fan as I haven't read any I've liked thus far, but it's for the reason you listed: I just don't find many very believable at all. Plus, I'm a Ron gal all the way xD (Don't hate me!) But, who knows, maybe someday that'll change! Especially considering Rose/Scorpius is one of my favorite pairings!

Cheers!

~VioletBlade

Author's Response: Thanks for coming by. I'll be reviewing your piece in a minute. (:

I'm so glad you enjoyed this. As easy as it looked, this was a pain to write.. But it was fun so it was definitely worth it. To hear you say that I've done good with this is excellent because I didn't know whether or not to post it. Considering I started it as an experiment to test myself and boundaries.

You assumed correctly. However, Draco does not know that he is Draco, yet. Throughout the piece though he will figure out who he is, and maybe who saved him. I've already begun planning the sequels (I'm thinking it will be a trilogy)

I know how you feel. I was never into Dramiones before, but when I read a great one I couldn't put them down. Also, I love Ron as well.

As far as I know, within this first installment, there will be no Dramione action.. I cannot be sure about the other two just yet though.

Thanks!
Brittanique


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Review #13, by Kwan First Darkness

30th March 2012:
I liked the mysterious introduction. The conscious act of keeping the person's perspective shrouded gives the effect of placing us in his shoes. You do a really good job of capturing him swimming in and out of consciousness and perhaps a secondary goal is that the blackness and the darkness symbolizes the darkness ebbing in and out within him. I can only presume (since there's a manor) that the character is Draco.

There were a few grammar mistakes. It was mostly just commas in the wrong places when periods could be stronger. It may seem abrupt, but it's better than an incorrectly placed comma.

The tone is dark and the character is appropriately weakened and sad as the chapter progresses. It remains to be seen how he came to be and what the state of the world is, but in a vacuum, the chapter is well done in its ambiguity and tonal introduction.

Keep on writing!

Author's Response: I'm glad you enjoyed the intro. I was hoping to pull readers in quickly as I'm intending to keep the chapters short so I don't have much time to do so. As easy as this looks, it was terribly hard to write. I'm not one for choppy, first person/angsty unconscious writing so it was definitely a challenge. I'm glad I did it some justice.

You presumed correctly. Throughout the chapters, though, he will become more like himself.. I think.. And we will learn what exactly happened. xD I will definitely read it over again and see what I can do. Thanks for saying something.

Thanks again!
Brittanique



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Review #14, by Sapphire_Skies First Darkness

30th March 2012:
This was very interesting as an experimental piece. Itís not something that Iíd usually read as I think things like this are sometimes a bit of a slog to get through, but this wasnít. I think the length had something to do with that, so Iím not complaining that itís short! What I think I like most about this is that thereís a storyline going on. Something is happening behind all the disjointed thoughts and feelings that moves things along and adds another dimension.

I liked the thoughts and the way they were interspersed through the text, it made it seem as if the character was passing in and out of consciousness and it was through this that we see the sickness or the spell or whatever it is affecting him. It was a clever way to do it, I think.

However, I think you might have been able to do a little bit more to make it really Draco. If you hadnít had the references to the manor there, it could have been any character, and I felt like it could have done with something in the characterís mind, in his thoughts that made Dracoís personality stand out a little bit more.

Something else I picked up on was that sometimes, the dialogue sort of killed the mood. It wasnít exactly slang the characters used, but it didnít seem like the sort of language the Death Eaters spoke in the book, either. Phrases like ĎI tried anywaysí, and ĎBesides, I never even said that I would help himí. They arenít the sort of polished English that the upper class Malfoys or other Purebloods speak, there more colloquial. ĎI triedí and ĎI never said that I would help himí would have been better.

In answer to your question, no I donít think that the choppiness takes away from the story at all, rather I think it adds to the characterís state of mind and the emotion running through the fic.

Author's Response: I'm glad you read it successfully. XD I was thinking about keeping the chapters short and disjointed much like his thoughts are at the moment.

I'm glad you got the feeling of him going in and out of consciousness. I was definitely going for that, so you just made me a happy camper.

At this moment, Draco doesn't know he is Draco and he is just trying to stay away from the darkness. Soon enough he will be remembering who he is. Just not quite yet. Thanks for pointing it out though.

I'm glad you said something about that.. I was hoping someone would say something and catch on. The people talking may not actually be Death Eaters. ;)

Thanks for coming by. I appreciate it.
Brittanique


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Review #15, by SerpentineOffering First Darkness

30th March 2012:
This is a very interesting chapter!! I really enjoyed it! First of all, like always, your writing is superb! You are an excellent author and I really enjoy your writing! The flow of this chapter was incredibly good, I am very curious as to who his 'savior' is as well as the healer! What a great read! Thank you!!

Author's Response: Thanks a bunch! I'm glad you liked it. I'm working on the second chapter now. xD

Brittanique


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Review #16, by lizmusic45 First Darkness

30th March 2012:
Wow, very moving good for you, you have a lot of talent and I'm actually thrilled you wrote something like this. I loved the portrayal of Draco I liked the idea, I liked the plot, I kind of liked him. This is very well written you have mounds of talent and I'm glad your using it on fan-fiction.

Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant, please become a writer :)

Lizzie

Author's Response: Thanks Lizzie.

I'm glad you liked it. I was a bit worried to post it as I've never done something like this before. xD

As for becoming a writer.. I can only ever finish FF. Never finished an OF in my life. Maybe one day. XD

Thanks again.
Brittanique


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