Hey! Here for review tag!
Wow, this was a powerful one-shot. You expressed so much in so little words. The emotion in your words, the amazing imagery and description, the beautiful flow, it just made for a brilliant piece of writing.
Your concept itself was very interesting, I liked that you kept the identity of the death eater hidden - or well someone we don't know - and the part about him having associated with muggles before (and actually having liked them) was a very nice touch.
Your narrative was very intricate and gripping, and I was really captivated by the story. The way you wrote Voldemort's part was very believable too. The ending was also magnificent.
All in all, this was a great piece of writing and I enjoyed this one-shot.
(AditiDraco95)Author's Response: Ah, loved every word you wrote in your review! Thank you and I'm very glad you enjoyed this one-shot. It was so challenging writing in only 500 words! Report Review
Wow that was just amazing! This part here, "The disdain seeped from the edges of his black cloak, slithered across the floor and wound its way up from my aching knees and tightened around my throat, making speech impossible for me." was the best part to me. The description just really stood out and I loved how you used all of those words just to describe how Voldemort was looking at him. I thought it was very interesting how he had played with muggles when he was younger yet his father is completely against them, though maybe he snuck out of the house or just happened to meet up with them and was asked to play. I like how he loved his mother very much as he didn't want to disappoint her. I loved how you started this oneshot off, I thought it was a great beginning and just really really good! This was a great oneshot, I really enjoyed it! Great Job!
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: I LOVE unexpected reviews! Thank you so much for thinking to leave a review on a story that was done a bit ago. The challenge that this story was written for really made me concentrate on choosing the right words as I only had 500 to mess with!
I'm glad that you got so much of what I was trying to communicate! Thank you!! Report Review
This was a really interesting moment - a true slice of life - and what makes it so compelling, in MY opinion, is that we DON'T know who it is - it can fill any of the faceless, nameless Death Eaters we see causing unspeakable evils in the Harry Potter Universe - and yet in 500 words you manage to give him a history, a background, to show us his motivation and fears.
I have to say the most impressive thing about this is the SHORTNESS of it all - yet you say so much. I know I've stuck away from this particular challenge because I can't explain anything in under 500 words. I can barely talk in CLASSES under 500 words. Out of everything - that's the thing that's most impressive to me. Grammar and spelling looks solid - it's short, sweet, and to the point - wonderful job. I wish we got to know who this OC was!Author's Response: The anonymity of my main character yet the versatility of him is what I wanted to particularly convey in this one-shot so I'm glad that you found it compelling because of that. Thank you so much for this! Report Review
After being angry at you for not telling me who this is, I decided to take your description at face value and believe that it really is an OC. It's in the Marauder's Era, so not Draco, not snape because we know lily was pretty much his only friend, not Regulus because his parents would never have let him play with muggle children. So, I've decided it really is an OC ;)!
This is so well written, your transition between sentences, your sense of emotion and ability to create imagery, are all amazon.
Dramatic, breathtaking, and wanting to know more.. Everything a great 500 word challenge should have!
I love your writing style, you pick the perfect words that compliment each thought and statement. Great one shot!!Author's Response: LOL, you made me laugh with your first line :) My main character is totally an OC. Even I don't know who it is! Thank you so much for all the wonderful things you said in this review! Report Review
It was so interesting yet so short :( which makes me sad :(
But I saw it was written for a challenge so I understand, but besides that it was flawless, because although short we get to see what's going in your character's head though I wished so bad for a flash back of your character's memory with his/her muggle friends.
But the line before last gave me shivers.Author's Response: Yes, this was written for the 500 word challenge. I'm glad you were still able to connect to the character though! Thank you so much for both the reviews! :D Report Review
Woah I love this! It's short, but packed with so much and I think you definitely did the story justice with 500 words! I have read death eater initiation stories before, but the way you wrote this one with an unknown character, the pressure from the parents and from his lineage, his association with muggles and how he wants the lord to purge these impurities.. it just made for a really strong story. And I really liked the last few lines with the cancer and the fire - clever!
& I thought you did a great job with Voldy! :) Sometimes he can be hard to characterise right, but that 'the cancer will need to be burned out' line seems just like a voldy thing to say xD Nicely written! :)Author's Response: Hi Lottie!
I found this challenge so interesting as I really had to make sure that every word counted yet I also wanted to tell a story, not just describe a scene. I'm glad that it came out strong for you.
I like writing villains. I don't know what else to say about that! :)
xChar Report Review
nawww.. =[ poor draco... is it sad that im pretty much in love with a fictional character?Author's Response: No, it is not sad at all. ~_~ Report Review
First off, well done for meeting the requirements for the every word counts challenge, I would have a hard time keeping it at 500 words :) So again well done!
I liked how you kept the OC name anonymous. It added mystery to your story :)
I found this very chilling to read. I loved Voldemort's taunting, since I could imagine him actually being that way towards people that might care for muggle's.
Very good! I just love your writing. I'm definitely a fan :DAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for stopping by at this story! It is one I am quietly proud of because of being able to meet the 500 word count. I definitely tried to keep it Voldemort as in character ad possible as my main character was faceless.
Thank you so so much for your compliment! Report Review
The 500 word stories always sort of amaze me, because I'm entirely sure that I could easily spend 500 describing a cup of coffee or something, so just 500 sounds... well, very much not good for me.
But this was fabulous. I liked the way how you had it so it could almost apply to anyone and the ending was all like WOAH and I like stuff that flipss things around and goes from a different perspective (ie, from the Death Eater) so yeah, I really liked that. And all Voldie's speech was excellent too.
Another fabuluosly written thing from a fabulous author :)Author's Response: I know what you mean on the 500 word stories. It took me two go's myself before I was able to hit it.
I love writing evil villain monologues :) Thank you very much for all the nice things you said! Report Review
That was quite powerful. You really made this work with the challenge it was for. It was short, but every word counted and made it a whole.
What I think was really good in this story, was that I felt like it made me understand Voldemort and the Death Eaters a bit better. I mean, sometimes I've been thinking that I don't understand much of the Death Eater dynamics at all as so many of them really seem to fear Voldemort and as many seem to show it too, it just seems... I don't know. A bit strange. (I think I lost something of that thought there.) Anyway as he is a good legilimens it really doesn't seem to work that well if someone has doubts or fears that can be heard. He'd soon be out of followers if he eliminated all of those who had some kind of doubts. But this person here (didn't check the characters before reading, so not sure if this is maybe Draco or someone else) has doubts, and first I thought this wasn't going to end that well for him, or he'd just end up as the lowest of the low as a death eater. But then he turns it around in a really clever way, whether it's faked or not and whether the desperation is him really wanting to be "purified" or him grasping at straws for survival.
I think I explained that really poorly, but I hope you get from that, that I really liked that part of the story. Oh and I really liked how you started the story too. It starts sort of thoughtfully with a general statement, but then it really deepens into emotions towards the end. So, good job on this!Author's Response: It was a very interesting exercise to do in the first place.
What I got in really just breaking down the Death Eaters is that it was Voldemort looking for absolute surrender and if he didn't get it, then he would break the man or woman who defied him, if they were of Pureblood status. You do make a point in how he isn't going to just eliminate anyone with doubts. I think he'd use them.
I didn't make this guy any particular character. He kind of stands in for every Death Eater who ever didn't want to be a Death Eater but felt he had to be.
Thank you! Report Review
Wow, this is an incredibly powerful one-shot.
This wasn't poetic or in a dream-like state it was doused in harsh reality - especially by your word choice and how you made each sentence flow with the next one.
You have very hard-hitting descriptions that are unsettling to the reader, but still appropriately chilling - if that makes sense.
I really liked that you didn't choose to name the Death Eater here as it sort of lets the reader infer who it could be and look at the character closely enough - to pay attention to their mannerisms and speech.
I particularly liked your Voldemort - I felt he was very much in character and have no complaints. He was as dark and as menacing as I imagine him to be at that particular time period.
Well done, on a brilliant one-shot!
Cirque xxAuthor's Response: It was meant to be just the bare total of this one man's existence. When you're limited by 500 words there isn't much room for embellishments (like I normally like to do). I'm glad you felt compelled to pay closer attention to my character. I myself don't know who I'm writing about, I leave that to you.
I liked writing Voldemort. Is that weird? (Yes) but I'm okay with that.
Thanks! Report Review
This was great, you really have a talent, I mean really, your stories I quite the brilliance, and I think that's great. I love this piece, it was moving, it was nice (and I mean that how you wrote it, not what you wrote, because that's more of a really good sad piece) but it is really, really good you capture emotions perfectly :)
LizzieAuthor's Response: Thanks for thinking so well of me and my writing! Report Review
Amazing. There's nothing wrong with this, really. It's short and descriptive, and I love it! Your writing style here has really captured my interest. I really like how you opened it, reeling the reader in. The internal conflict is well written as well.
Awesome job! Going into my favorites ;)Author's Response: Thank you! I'm flattered to know that this captured your interest Report Review
Wow. This was incredibly powerful - even more amazing considering how short it is (by the way, congratulations on getting the word count!).
I loved how even though it was in first person, you never revealed who it was. You don't need to, either - it could be anyone, really. Regulus, Draco, Lucius... the ambiguity really works. I also liked how you started with talking about events, rather than jumping straight into it, it made it seem so calm and almost serene, before you moved down on into Voldemort and the Mark. Ah, that was so good! Voldemort was pretty much spot on, with the not-really-a-question thing and the laugh. The last line was just perfect.
I really, really enjoyed this. It was the perfect length, pace - everything.
Aph xxAuthor's Response: I was surprised by the premise that came to mind when I decided to write this. I wanted to keep him anonymous for some reason. I didn't really want a name to the character. You get a taste of him just through his fears and what happens to him.
I enjoyed writing Voldemort for some reason...
Thanks! Report Review
All right, I'm convinced there is nothing you can write that I won't absolutely love from the first word until the very last. Writing an effective one-shot in 500 words is really difficult, but you manage to do so and pack a powerful punch all at the same time. You have to choose your words carefully, ensuring that each one means something and you do so fantastically.
I like that the narrative remains nameless, that with your descriptions we are able to build up our own stories about him. I love how you made it so that it wasn't really something he wanted to do, but an obligation made to honor his parents. That's terrifying, to be thrust into this situation, to force oneself in front of Voldemort and offer loyalty, all the while spitting in the face of friends he had grown up with.
You were very effective in setting the tone of the story and wow, I don't even really know what else to say. The descriptions of Voldemort - about his disdain and his laugh - were just so well-done and some of my favorite lines in the story. The last line too was such a fantastic way to end this. It was really well-written. I can't say enough about how much I enjoyed this. :)Author's Response: You are too kind :) Thank you for thinking of my writing so well. It's because of your encouragement that I find myself able to keep writing :)
I did want the reader to have a sense of who the narrator was without actually putting a name or face to him (I still don't know who he really is). I'm glad that some personality came across.
Thank you!! Report Review
This is a piece filled with angst and torment and I must say it enthralled me to look at this and see what happened during a death eater initiation. The way he seems so scared by the Dark Lord and the way everyone is compelled to agree with the Dark Lord! Also the way that Voldermort can see that he was friends with muggles when he was younger is unnerving!
I loved this!Author's Response: Thanks! I was apprehensive on posting this as there is no big character except for Voldemort and having an OC as my main guy was different. So to hear that this came across the way I wanted is awesome! Report Review
Hey there! It’s GrangerDanger76 from the forums for Team Bronze!
Wow, can I first say, that I absolutely adored the opening. It got me hooked onto the story, fast. I related to that one moment and I’ve never really seen that sort of thing done before… Well done!
Second, even though this is for a challenge, the whole only having exactly 500 words thing is really neat. You went all out and certainly did it well.
Another thing I would like to commend you on would be the way you did descriptions. Since you obviously only had 500 words to work with, you couldn’t put a ton of description forward. However, the description that you did do, was perfect, and subtle, but very impactful. My favourite is as follows…
“He chuckled, his laughter filled not with mirth but with a jagged edge that cut straight into anyone who heard it.”
That seriously gave me chills.
The characters were another wonderful part of this. I figured since you never mentioned the narrators name, it was an o/c. He was wonderfully developed, what with the flashback to his childhood and the description of his parents. I also really liked how you portrayed Voldermort; Especially like the description above about how his voice was a jagged edge and stuff. That was spot on, and I really enjoyed reading him.
Beautiful work. I had to go back and reread it several times because it was such good, quality writing.
However, you know when you read a good story, and I mean quality descriptions and loveable characters, and the grammar and spelling absolutely…sucks? I mean it just absolutely get’s in the way of reading.
I am very pleased to say that this is not one of those stories. Your grammar and spelling are spot on, so I give you props for that.
Anyways, I should most likely stop rambling now… :)
GrangerDanger76Author's Response: Thank you for really looking at and breaking down what I did here. 500 words is an awesome challenge so I can understand why this is a Classic one. You had me a little scared there with your sentence on grammar so I'm glad to know that this story is not like that!
I wanted to do a story with a faceless character and I'm glad you were able to connect with him despite that. Voldemort is also interesting to write about, especially from the viewpoint of someone who is seemingly under his control.
Thanks again for taking the time to review!
Char Report Review
This was…this was strong. It was short, which I know was the intention, but it carried a message. It held that edge of fear - fear of disappointment, of pain, of disapproval - and it did it well. It also dug into a moment I never put a moment’s thought into, which I think made it even more awesome. It gave me a new perspective on a fact I overlooked, on the whole branding of the Dark Mark upon a followers arm. And I’m very glad I got to read it.
There was one nitpicking/word choice/opinion word choice thing I noticed, along with an issue of tenses.
“No, Master.” My voice pitched low, a false hope that he would interpret it to what he wanted to hear.” –With this one, I was thinking ‘as’ instead of ‘to.’ It may just be me, so definitely not something that /needs/ to be changed.
The other thing was there was some present tense within the past tense. I figure you intended it all to be in past tense, as that’s how the majority of the chapter is, and it was within the first half of the chapter I noticed that, so you may want to look at that.
Otherwise, this was a very fantastic little blip in time. I quite enjoyed it! Great job!
~GrimmerzAuthor's Response: Yeah, I totally noticed that my tenses went whacko throughout the whole thing. I'll have to fix that at some point.
I did want to delve into some faceless Death Eater's past and present and I'm glad that I was able to communicate the moment.
Thanks again dear! Report Review
Oh, I got chills. The good kind. This was awesome. This was amazingly awesome. Really. I love all your stories, I really do, so I had high expectations. And I wasn't disappointed. :D
And yay for getting the word count. ^.^
Sam.Author's Response: Nice! I'm glad you enjoyed it and this was such a lovely review!
*celebrates wordcount* Report Review
Oh I really like this, it's so short but so effective in its shortness. I like that it makes us feel sorry for the Death Eater although I'm not even sure who they are. I especially like the short sentences at the end and when he knows his parents will die. You're a really good writer, I could feel everything he was feeling if you get me. :DAuthor's Response: Thank you! I liked the idea of making a faceless Death Eater and I'm glad you were able to sympathize to whatever degree. I do get you on feeling what he's feeling though hopefully it wasn't the burning of the dark mark! :P Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection