Reading Reviews for The Black New Girl
  
4 Reviews Found

Review #1, by slytherinchica08 New Black Member

24th August 2012:
Alright I'm so sorry that it took this long to get to your review but alas I am here.

I think that this is a good beginning to your story and that it does have a lot of potential to be rather interesting. I did notice though, that there are quite a few spelling mistakes such as leaving out an "s" at the end of a word or saying ask instead of asked and with a beta you could easily fix these few mistakes. Another thing I noticed, is that this chapter is almost all talking. To really pull a reader in, adding some description into all the chatter thats going on will really help them to picture the scene. For example in the beginning when she goes to meet up with Sirius you could describe what King's Cross is like for her. Are there a lot of people bustling around, maybe she accidently runs into someone in her haste and nervousness. Also what does Sirius look like to her or even later on with Hermione, Harry, and Ron you only go into the briefest amounts of description such as their hair color. So adding in these small details could really help a reader to better picture the world you are creating. I've also noticed that you don't capitalize the first letter of the first word when they are talking. Doing these few things could really help to improve your story and make the flow work so much better.

Now don't go thinking that I hate your story because as I've said, its a great beginning and an interesting idea but just fixing up the few things I mentioned could really make this story so much better and draw more readers to it. So great job on a great story idea and somthing that to me, is very original. Great Job!

~Slytherinchica08~

 Report Review

Review #2, by distantgalaxy New Black Member

31st May 2012:
Hi :) this is the review you requested!

To start with, (this usually wouldn't be the very first thing that I say in a review, but it is extremely distracting) you really really need to proof read before posting your story and maybe even get a beta from the forums (that is someone who proofreads your story for you, can be found in the help section). There are A LOT of spelling mistakes that are so distracting I couldn't pay attention to the story. Especially in the summary. I've fixed your summary for you: "What would happen if Sirius Black wasn't dead? What would happen if a new Black member arrived? What would happen if Harry fell for the new Black girl!? Would the godfather/godson relationship be damaged? Read to find out!!"

I do like the plot, it's interesting that Sirius has a daughter. However, it's odd that she just tells the trio that she doesn't know why Sirius never mentioned her. Is this meant to be part of the plot? Like she is lying or does she just not care? You may want to elaborate a little bit more about this in your first chapter.

So just make sure to fix your grammar mistakes because you certainly have an interesting story happening here :)

 Report Review

Review #3, by Broken Butterfly Quidich match!

27th May 2012:
Hi. This is your first fic! Congratulations First Fics are always held close to our hearts. However it makes it a little difficult to hear the negative aspects of a review. I’m here to offer constructive Criticism, so please take a deep breath while we work through everything both awesome and not as much together okay? I know it’s hard sometimes… for me in my first fic too…
Okay let’s start by talking about Grammar.
When you are starting a dialogue: there needs to be quotations, (Which you have) and the first letter of the first word needs to be capitalized.
“When I first arrived I had to hold back tears because it’s going to be hard being way from Dad for a whole year.” (This for an example just so you can see.)
There are a lot of spelling mistakes as well which makes it a little difficult for a reader to stay focused on the story when they have to pause and mentally correct a word. Your spelling mistakes mostly consist of missing letters or incorrect conjugating of the word. Like in you first sentence (Dialogue) of the first chapter “I only hoper” Hoper is not a word, and if it was, would be an incorrect conjugation in that sentence. Instead the word you use should be hope. “I only hope…”
Because of the amount of errors in grammar I strongly suggest you find a beta. A beta will fix all of the errors and tell you how to spruce up your story, where as I can only tell you that there are errors.
That aside we can focus on the flow, Description, Dialogue, characterization, and plot of your story:
I liked the sound of the plot from the very beginning. It grabbed my attention, and that is good, because you want the story to grab the reader’s attention. However, you do need to be aware that it is very out of canon for the books and may be subject to an audience who will not understand the imagination behind your fic. Put and A/N” statement in the summery saying that it doesn’t follow book 5 where Sirius dies. That should reflect the audience that does not like things too far away from Canon. I do like fictions like that because I find it interesting to see where a story can go with a character that was killed in the books, I love predicting what is going to happen to the character in fan fiction, so the plot certainly grabs my attention and draws me in.
Dialogue is a little slow moving; it doesn’t foreshadow to the future of the plot but seems to just talk about ordinary things. It could defiantly use more sprucing up to make it more interesting, because as it stands right now it’s not important enough to the plot. However, Dialogue is one of the hardest parts of writing, since it takes a lot of thought and since we as authors know what is happening, explaining it through the characters so that an audience can understand is often hard to do. Don’t be afraid to ask for help from a beta or over the forums.
Your characterization is well done. Most of your characters seem to be in canon with the original books. Now that does not mean that you don’t focus on that when editing and writing future chapters it is still important to always ask if your characters are in character.
I mostly have to say that Grammar and spelling is the big take away from your story. It makes it hard to read and understand and is what really needs the most work. But you have a good story! It has an amazing plot, interesting OC and of course an imagination to it. I admire that. So as I said, I recommend getting a beta to start, and of course try some of the writing exercises in the writers workshop on the forums. Defiantly check out the sections for writing a good OC it tells you the pros and cons to good writing. Good work.
Most sincerely,
Broken Butterfly

 Report Review

Review #4, by GrangerDanger10 Hogsmade!!

19th May 2012:
This is a really good story but it starts to get slightly well boring in some parts. You have quite a few little spelling errors like 'cos' instead of 'cause' and little things like that. But its a very good story, even if at first I didn't know why snape was with potions in 6th year but then I understood!! But really good all in all.

Author's Response: thank you ill try and make it more interesting!!

 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login