Hey there! Its AC here reviewing all the challenge entries! Sorry its taken a while to get down to reviewing the entries - real life and the house cup have been getting in the way.
Soo this was a really interesting start to what seems like a really intriguing story! You have a hell of a lot of plot in this first chapter whhich is pretty intriguing and I can honestly say I have no idea what's going to happen next (although I suspect I'm sensing the beginning of a Pansy/Neville plot, which isn't something I've ever said before?)
So, kudos for originality. You don't see much about Pansy Parkinson about and this was an interesting take on her character. The obliviate thing too...wow, that was interesting. I think my favourite part of this was the opening and my least favourite thing has to be the last line - it just felt a tad melodramatic for me.
Never the less this was a great entry to my challenge and i'll be posting the results later today :)
-ACAuthor's Response: Oh wow! Thanks for the review! Sorry I haven't been around the site much (work caught up with me) so I don't even know the end results yet, but I'm glad you came over and seemed to like the idea! :D Yeah, the Neville and Pansy story is a new one, and I'm glad to really be one to do such an unloved pairing. I'm really glad you liked the idea though. Yeah, the last line was a bit melodramatic, but that is sort of how I'm trying to play her off. ;) She still has her flippant attitude of a seventeen year old. Again, thanks for the review and coming over to check it out! Report Review
Just started reading this on a whim, but I am really liking it so far. I can't wait to see what happens next as Pansy discovers more about what's happened in the last ten years. This is a really interesting story!
xxEnigmaticEyes16Author's Response: Well thank you so much for reading! I'm glad you like it and I hope you decide to stick around! Thank you so so so much for reading and reviewing! Report Review
Hi Maelody, good to read one of your stories.
I think the concept is interesting but one that's difficult to pull off sometimes. The things you have going for you (the nonlinear narrative) serve to jar the reader and keep them off balance. The only thing that was confusing from the first chapter was when you jumped years in the flashbacks. Perhaps a present memory can serve as a transition between the two separate time frames.
While I do like the characterizations, Pansy is one annoying girl! I know she's supposed to be this way but it's incredibly grating for the protagonist to be so unhelpful. Still, I enjoy Neville's gentile nature to her though I do question all the Muggle belongings in his flat. But I like that there is some mystery behind it and I know you'll give us some more clues later as to why Neville just moved in and the exact relationship between Draco/Pansy.
Part of me believes that Draco wasn't ever in a relationship with Pansy and that she's actually going out with Neville but such a jarring realization would only hamper her ability to recollect her memories. It will be interesting to see what happens.
There were just a few grammar issues and misspells but I think that's more to do with typos than a lack of understanding. The one thing I would suggest is that sometimes you insert dialogue in the middle of blocks of paragraphs. Look into separating the dialogue so the paragraph doesn't seem so busy and sometimes confusing to read.
Otherwise, an interesting start and some great characterizations despite Pansy's lack of likability.Author's Response: Thanks for coming over to review!
About the flashbacks, I didn't really want them to be flashbacks, I wanted them to be more so dreams, so the fast pace moments of when she is falling asleep and dreaming due to a spell and waking up in between made me think about how she is actually feeling. This isn't the first confusion about it, so I think I will definitely look back at it. Thanks! :)
I read this story to my best friend once I'm done with each chapter, and she hates Pansy! I actually feel quite accomplished at how much she hates her! Though, in chapter three she really started feeling for the character, and, if you decide to read on that far, something happens to change that like! My goal for Pansy is: She lost her memory in a span of 10 years. The last thing she remembers is being a seventeen year old girl who has always been a witch with a capital B lol. She doesn't have anything to hold on to, her memories have completely left her, and she is magically a twenty-seven year old woman now with no answers! I hope this helps explain her unlikeable-ness. :)
You have good theories ;). I guess the only way to find out would be to continue one *coughcough*. :)
Anyway! Thank you so much for coming over to read this and review it! Report Review
As I said before this story has definite potential however there were a few flaws in this chapter. For example, the spacing between the paragraphs were a tad off putting (you may want to fix this), also, why does Neville have muggle-things? He is, after all, a pureblood and the same goes for Draco. I highly doubt that Draco would ever own a phone (unless he got it especially for the occasion)
There were a few grammatical errors: missing spaces, mis-spelt words etc. May I suggest getting a beta for this story? Being a beta and getting my stories beta'd I can safely say that they are extremely friendly and harmless (most of the time haha) :)
The characterisation, however, was really good :) I think you've got both Neville and Pansy down-pat so good job with that!
JasAuthor's Response: Yea, sorry about the flaws. I'm trying to get the chapters up as fast as I can because I have to have the three up by this weekend. I beta my own chapters now (due to some un-reliable betas in the past unfortunately) and I beta on other sites, but as I said, I just tried getting this up. It will be edited shortly after the third chapter goes up though. :) The spacing, however, is due to the site as I've been told. I just have to go back and edit it out. Neville and Draco having Muggle things is extremely important to my plot-line. I'm glad that you love the characters though, and I hope you continue reading! Thanks for the read and review! :D Report Review
javct45 here with your review!
Sorry for taking so long - I was away on holiday without internet and I only got back late last night :/
Anyway, I really enjoyed this. Honestly, I've never heard of this shipping before so congratulations on trying a-rare-and-unloved ship :D
I think this story has definite potential and the storyline has got me intrigued (it's almost like the movie: The Vow, if you've seen that, if not, I would defiantly recommend it)
I couldn't pick up any grammatical or spelling errors which made me want to do the Doctor's weird Giraffe dance haha :)
Onto the next chapter!
JasAuthor's Response: I haven't seen it yet, though I definitely want to! Thank you for reading and reviewing this chapter, and I'm glad that it was giraffe dance worthy! Report Review
It's Rosie with your requested review! :)
This was a very interesting story! Very well-written, too! Almost no punctuation/grammar/spelling mistakes, which is fabulous.
I have read many Pansy Parkinson stories, all of them with Draco being terrible to her. But this was a unique interpretation, with Neville. Usually it's Pansy/Blaise. Even though Rowling said Neville marries Hannah, the plot still made sense.
The flashbacks were a bit confusing at first, but when I reached the part with Pansy being in the hospital, I understood. So maybe if you could label the beginning of the flashbacks with "flashback" it would be easier to follow? Just a suggestion. :)
Draco and Pansy's characterizations were spot-on. Draco was clearly never in love with Pansy, and I always thought Pansy was a bit obsessed with him, and I think you did a good job with this! :D
All in all, very well-written, with an interesting plot. I liked this!
~RosieAuthor's Response: Hey! Sorry it took a while to respond, I just got internet going! :) I'm really glad that everything was pretty spot on! :) It makes me happy that I can make sense out of an odd pairing. Thank you so much for the read and review! Report Review
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