Hey, this is a pretty good start! I'm interested in seeing what happens next. I hope Rane grows up and gets a reality check, because she seems like she's a little know-it-all, and not the good kind. Good job!Author's Response: Thank you :D !
She sounds a little bit annoying, doesn't she? We'll see what happens :D Stay tuned :D
Gray Report Review
It's Roots in Water here with your review!
What an interesting first chapter! I think that you did an amazing job of capturing the excitment of two eleven-year olds- they definitely seemed their age. Their youth was evident in their conversation and in her narration and was very pleasant to read. Furthermore, I think that you did a good job of characterizing the girls. Addey certainly embodies the personality of a Hufflepuff and I think that you managed to show this very nicely without beating the readers over the head with the information. In particular, I liked how she kept referencing her parents and grandparents in her explanations- it shows that she's close with them and looks up to them.
As well, Rane seems to be the typically over-excited type of kid that simply can't sit still. You used her very well to drive the conversation and it'll be interesting to see if their friendship continues after they've been sorted because it seems to me as though Rane will be sorted into Slytherin and Addey into Hufflepuff.
As for the flow of the story, I think that you did a great job of keeping it flowing smoothly between sentences (something that I know can be hard with present tense). The only parts that I noticed were a little bit rough were the parts where she fell asleep. Of course it's hard to write about someone falling asleep when it's from their point of view but I would add something (just a short sentence) to show the passage of time/to show that she fell asleep, like "I close my eyes and hear no more"...
As well, I did notice a few small typos that can be easily fixed. To begin, with "asks her excitedly" I would switch it to "she asks excitedly" and with "Her feet tapping rapidly on the floor." I think that you missed the "are" between "feet" and "tapping". As well, with "Even the Slytherin" I would take out the "the" and with "who has ambition" I would change it to "have". With "every people's heart are set in neutral" I would change it to "every person's heart is set to neutral" - it sounds better to me that way. As well, with "we Slytherin are" I would change it to "We are Slytherins" and with "I chukle inside my head" it should be "chuckle". Finally, with "You made us dressed as soon as this train departs" it should be "dress" and "departed" and with "Oh come one" it should be "on".
All in all I think that you have the beginning of a very interesting story. You've dropped several hints about future events and I can just see Addey trying to restore Hufflepuff's reputation (fairly, of course). Thanks for requesting and I hope that my comments are helpful!Author's Response: Hey! Thank you for coming.
I'm glad that you think the characters talk and behave like their age, and I'm glad that Addey's and Rane's characters came out to you just like I intended to.
I'm so happy that this story is thought to be interesting. I can't wait to continue and I hope I could do justice to the characters and the plot.
And thank you so much for pointing all of those mistakes. I really really need to be more careful with that . I'll correct them as soon as I can.
Thank you once again. Your comments are surely helpful :D Report Review
I really like your story. I thought it was an interesting perspective of two very excited 11 year olds gearing up to attend Hogwarts! I really like Addey and Rane. I think Rane is someone I can relate to a lot, as is Addey by means of fairness.
I thought the flow of your story was done quite well with no messy transitions. I did notice quite a few typos and what nots so I will point them out to you and give you a suggestions underneath them...
"I'm now sitting by the window in one of the compartment of the Hogwarts Express"
This sentence was only missing an s at the end of compartment.
"I like to watch the vast green fields flashed past the windows. I also like to watch the clouds goes by."
This sentence was a bit confusing...even when I read it out loud. I think what you meant was... "I like to watch vast green fields flash past the windows. I also like to watch the clouds go by." ?
"She gives hard pats on my back and goes back to her seating position."
This one was confusing also...I think you were going for "She gives me a hard pat on my back..." OR "She gives me hard pats on the back..." ?
"She pounds her chest proudly and shots a smug at me."
This was a simple one where you just needed to add an o to shots to make it shoots.
"My hand search for any kind of wrapping left on my seat."
This one is just missing a few ending letters... "My hands search for and kind of wrappings..."
"I asks as if didn't hear it well enough."
Asks should be ask.
“My brother said that the Hufflepufs hasn't win the house cup in a long time."
A spelling error and a couple of word changes here...Hufflepuffs, haven't, won.
"Their names are written in our chocolate frog card."
Your just missing an s at the end of the word card.
I hope you find this helpful. I don't want you to be discouraged in anyway. These are all simple things that are easy to overlook and easy to fix up.
Overall, I really liked your story. I could feel that anticipation of the girls as they anxiously awaited arriving at Hogwarts. I also like how they discussed the different types of houses and what the houses each prize and value. The flow was good and the pace was good.
Thank you for requesting and sharing your story. =)
Keep up the good work!
-SR17Author's Response: Hi! Thank you very much!
Your review has been extremely helpful. I'm not, by any means, discouraged at all. I've read and re-read this piece before submitting, but I guess I'm still not careful enough. I will try to be more careful next time.
I'm glad you like the story and characters, and that you have no problem with the flow. I will keep doing my best!
Thank you for reading and reviewing.
Gray Report Review
Woohoo, Hufflepuff :D
This is very humorous. I can certainly see Addey as a Hufflepuff, just by the things that she was taught growing up. I'm also curious as to if you're going to sort Rane into Slytherin with the rest of her family.
You asked about the believability of your OC: I have to say, I do like her. I like how simple she is, and how she quotes things that her parents and grandparents have taught her, not what she believes, as she's only eleven and those beliefs aren't often set strongly until later. It'll be really interesting to see how she grows throughout the story.
I can see the plot being set up already. Rane's comment about Hufflepuff not winning the House Cup, hah. As soon as Addey's sorted, she's going to make to change that.
Feel free to rerequest once you have more validated :)
Del<3Author's Response: Yay! A review :D :D :D
I'm glad that you can see her as a Hufflepuf :D (Go Hufflepuff!!). And abour Rane... we'll see :D
That's what I think too about an 11 years old. At the beginning I made her says 'I think .' when stating her opinion, but as you said, it doesn't really sound like an 11 years old to have a strong opinion/belief about something (especially for some of those she stated). Not just yet. I'm glad I made the change.
Oh the sweet old House Cup. Who doesn't want it? :D We'll see if Addey succeeds in bringing her house closer to glory.
Yes! I definitely will re-request from you. I just don't think it will be soon... but stay alert ;)
Thanks for the review!! :D
Gray Report Review
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