Hii there. First of all, I am terribly sorry how late this review is.. I sort of forgot I had a review thread :( but here I am with your long awaited review! It's Preeah from the forums btw ;)
Okay.. I'm just going to begin with a few nitpicky things, ie. grammar, flow so bear with me here. :)
In this sentence here: "The immense pain of teeth sinking into skin, muscle, bone." the way you list things has an incredibly profound effect on the emotions you're trying to convey however don't overdo it... You have a lot of cases throughout the story where you lists thing like that and it works but an excess of it can detract from the story. Use 'and' at the end of some of these lists to round off the sentence ;) Remember, less is more!
I hope you know what I meant by that btw... haha.
In here: "The convulsions running through my body as I cried and screamed and begged for it to stop." - I think it would be more effective if you changed 'running' to 'ran'.. I think grammatically, it sounds better.
Not really nitpicky, just wanted to say that this: "As each one tumbled downward, it wasnít beautiful or eerie the way they fell Ė they just fell, so fast, splintering and destroying and maiming in the process of it. Just like everything else around us." - it's beautiful. I love the poignancy of it, and such wonderful imagery. Well done!
Oh and: "The moments between us were short, shallow, meaningless to some, but spoke volumes between us." - I love that too. Simple, to the point, but beautiful.
Anyway, stylistically, you use a lot of short go and stop sentences. Like your listing, it work sometimes but don't overdo it. Too much of it can make the flow of the story very disjointed.
Ermm.. in the second scene/part, I was really confused as to what was happening. The language was lovely and I really felt his pain but... in relation to the rest of the story, I wasn't entirely sure what was going on. So maybe you could fix it up a bit? Or actually if you take it out, it wouldn't detract from your story at all.
Ooh and this: ďDo us a favour and just shut up and marry me?Ē is too flipping adorable. I don't know why but I just loved that line!
In this: "by coming Ďround her and acting all sacrificial? " - did you mean 'here' not 'her'?
Here: "because that meant she would come to know I as a person" - it should be come to know 'me'; the other way isn't grammatically correct.
Okay onto the more meaty part of this review, your characterisation of Lavender is amazing. It's so honest and really gives some complexity to an otherwise quite flat character. I really have to commend you for it because I'll be honest, she's not exactly my favourite person, but you really and truly made your readers fall for her. She's screwed up and I love that. Actually, talking about characterisation, your portrayal of Paul is wonderful as well. He's tough and caring and screwed up as well, and the chemistry between them is believable.
Ooh, another thing I want to commend you on is your dialogue! It is flawless! You never use dialogue carelessly, every word has a point in the story, and it's realistic... and it adds that extra something to the Paul/Lavender dynamic. Really, I love their conversations.
Anywhooo, the ending was beautiful. It seriously tied off the whole story and made it come full circle. Wonderful job! It also really tied in with your theme of 'hope'... at first, I was a tad unsure with the repetition but it worked! Very beautiful, sad but uplifting. Thank you for requesting a review! I really genuinely enjoyed this!! :P Sorry again it's so late.. Keep writing! Report Review
Hi darling, I donít know what kind of review this is going to be. Usually my requested reviews are a bit more polished, but I can already tell you this is going to be a mishmash of squiggled feelings. Bah.
I really love the nonlinear style you implemented, it kept me on my toes and gave me the chance to see a whole different scene with each section change. And honestly, I really donít think any of them felt like they didnít include enough (which you mentioned as a concern) I think it was just the right amount.
This isnít the kind of story that I want to know every detail/backstory/thing about the characters. Itís a passionate, dramatic, exhausting one shot and I think the sections display that perfectly. The moment Iím settling into one, you rip me away and Iím swirled into a whole new mess of feels and I absolutely *loved* it.
Itís interesting to read Lavender in a different light than JKR. I was pretty annoyed by her in the books, but in this youíve given us someone so much more dimensional, someone I found myself actually caring about.
I loved your descriptions, as well as your repetitions throughout. Especially the focus you put upon hope; the idea of hope being the strength to die is cryptic and haunting while being beautiful and pureÖ it really just played into this so well.
I wish I could give you something that would possibly help, but I just really enjoyed this and think you did a remarkable job at making me care about these people and keeping me invested until the very end!
JamiAuthor's Response: This really was my first shot at a non-linear approach throughout the whole story - I've done bits that are similar, but not something so, idk, vast? as this.
I planned every single section that I wanted to put, arranged and then rearranged the order of what everything needed to go in order for this to work like I needed it to be. Carefully constructing every sentence to make sure it bled out everything I wanted to say.
At the end of writing this and putting it up I got one of those very rare, a relieved and proud sort of feeling that this was everything I wanted it to be.
So thank you very much for being so freaking lovely about this story and for helping me stay as relieved and happy with this as I wanted and needed to be when I first wrote this.
This was supposed to be a happy and sajkdasuidahss review with loads of smilies and it ended up being really serious, ahaha.
But no thank you seriously for all your compliments because you were so very lovely and this makes me smile whenever I read it.
Hanzi ♥ Report Review
jadoiaoc. I BELIEVE IN HOPE TOO.
So, I know you, you know me (we're a happy family), so you know I loves your writing and I was going to save R&R this entry to my challenge until the end but I couldn't quite resist it (plus I owe you like a billion reviews anyway) so here I am with a shiny review!
So, I love the chronology. Ack, it was really interesting and exciting. Love the way you shook it up and the repetition of the focus on 'hope' was really interesting and I feel like I could read this a couple more times over and start seeing more depth and stuff in it every time. Paul was really interesting (I like the name Paul, why do I never use the name Paul?) and the fact that you picked Lavender was even more interesting! I liked the way you characterised her too - it was really interesting.
I've said interesting too much.
Either way, love the title, banner, summary, story, you everyyythinng, yeaahhh. And this was a great entry! Hopefully I'll be judging all the entries at some point soon, when I've worked my way through R&R a couple more of them. Thanks for entering! :)Author's Response: Hallo dear :)
SHINY REVIEWS MAKE MEH HAPPEH AND I LAV YOURS. Also I miss you because I'm away and you're away and there's this whole /away-ness/ that is just too sad for words.
Did you know you could read this in multiple ways? I didn't... until, you know, I posted and re-read it after a while. (':
I actually don't really like the name Paul...and I don't like Lavender - so why is it that nowadays I keep writing about characters that I just really don't like /at all/ and portraying them great even when I still just...don't like them? (': Well apart from Post-Hogwarts Lavender. She's FAB XOXO.
I had actually forgotten this was for your challenge, too *dunce* but yes IT WAS FUN and I'm thinking of doing more /war/ like stuff because its just too great for words. :D
See you later lovely!
Hanzi xxx Report Review
OH MY GOD. HERE. HERE IT IS. WHAT? WHAT IS LOVE? OH, MY. THIS IS IT! THIS IS THE ONE! THIS IS LOVE! IT'S HERE! THIS ONE. BLACK EYED PEAS, IT'S OVER HERE. I'VE FOUND IT! RIGHT HERE!
I'm dying. My mum needs to come downstairs right now before I- OH MY GOD. I feel dizzy. WOW. WHY? I THINK I'M IN LOVE.
This is brilliant. This is light. This is magnificent, glorious, attractive, amazing, awe-inspiring and just everything all combined into one big gumball of sticky love. WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME? Why do you do this to me at 09.10 in the morning? How do you manage to do this to me every single time? This is like... THIS IS THE ONE. I CHOOSE THIS OVER ALL BOOKS EVER WRITTEN EVER, EVER, EVER!
I love it. I love it all. I want it all. I want to eat it all up, but I also don't want to. If I were to eat it, as well as digesting, it would break down and disintegrate and NEVER am I risking that. EVER. This isn't even...this is...oh my life. OH, MY. I LOVE THIS. I LOVE YOU.
*Runs outside for five minutes for essential fresh air*
HELLO! :D. I loved this piece. I love how you opened it up w- OH MY GOD. I want to... Okay. A Tale of War, will you marry me?
*BREATHES IN, AND OUT*
*Speaks in one breath* I love this chapter. :'). I love how you've instantaneously captured your readers' interests from the very beginning, rather than quintessentially developed it so that it reaches a certain point. This brings me to the way you've arranged this so the events fall in a not-so-chronological (what are you doing to me?) order. This is just a different order, altogether. I love it. I love the whole idea of it. I want to eat it, but I shan't.
The imagery is so powerful in this piece that you've transformed it into a fundamental aspect. This piece is full of imagery and repetition which are just... GAH! My favourite techniques. You're so brilliant, did you know?
*RELEASES BREATH AND SLAPS FACE NINETY TIMES*
I feel a little better now. See what you do to me? Right. This review shows no real logic or intellectualism, and it's in o particular order, but it's all on you.
I absolutely love, love, love the action scenes you've included; they were just poignant and so fitting within the scene. Then we have the quarreling and bickering bits which were just brilliantly set out. I love the significance of conflicting with colours relating to the wedding and genuine happiness. That was awesome. I love the way you've described so many different forms of pain with repetition and so much emotion. The phrases are so fitting and so beautiful and GAH. I love how you brought this chapter to an end so carefully with the last line, rather than making it fast and abrupt. EVERYTHING. IT'S KILLING ME. I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST THIS. I CAN'T FIND ANYTHING TO SAY AGAINST THIS. THIS SO PURE AND SO BEAUTIFUL. This is flawless. This is perfect. This is my life. Wow.
I love how your writing always comes so unexpected. You have this whimsical aspect about your style of writing which is just beautiful. I love how you always manage come up with something different for everything you've posted on here. You have this blinding effect on people; particularly with this piece.
I blame you for the incoherency of this review.
GAAGAHSJDFHDGSFAGSYHDFGDFSGHDFGDSG *THROWS UP ALL MY EMOTIONS* JFHDGSFGDHFHDGSHDJF.Author's Response: You really love this, don't you? I love that you do because this has become my ultimate favourite really and yeah I like it and I like you. ♥ Report Review
You've played around with the timing here and it works until I get confused, I love the scenes separtely-them meeting and arguing, the propasal, the marriage and the Battle but I'm not sure what order they go in. It's great though, I love Lavender as a character and her and Paul are quite perfect indeed. The descriptions are beautiful and I ike the images of hope! Author's Response: Well, the scenes just depend on what ending you'd like - whatever scene you should think goes in whatever order you think best. :) This is really just open for all sorts of speculation - all totally up to you!
Thanks so much for all the lovely comments; I really appreciate them! :D
xx Report Review
Hope was the strength to die.
There's something so sad, and so poignant about that sentence. It amazes me that your character had come so close to death, he'd gone through so much that all he wants to do now is cease to exist.
I realise it's a bit odd to start off this review with a quote from your story, but I felt it had to be said.
Your sentences were so abrupt, and sharp. It's fitting, because Paul's there - probably lying on the floor, and gasping for breaths. Even if he could speak, I imagine his words would leave him like that.
Lavender is an interesting canon character to bring into the equation. We don't know how she fared during the war. Her relationship with Paul is passionate, it's exhausting, and everything in between. You do well to draw out her character in this story, and even attempt to give her a bit of depth. You even said it yourself: "Her reputation of being the 'dumb Gryffie girl'..." I like that no one appears to understand that about her except for him. No one is ever what they appear to be. But it's such a shame, she didn't know much about him.
I'm not sure if you intended it to be this way, but the flow seems a bit jumpy. In every new section, the readers go either to the present, past or possible future. If you meant it to be like this, then I get it. Before I forget, I realise this can be read both ways, each having different outcomes. I thought that was very well done!
I enjoyed reading this! It's actually a good story to discuss. You might see me in your MTA page eventually with some questions about this :)
Have a good week!
LiaAuthor's Response: I was wondering whether anyone would pick up on that particular phrase, because I think it was one that stood out the most. :)
Odd starts to reviews are always the most interesting, and I'm glad you said it!
To be very honest... I have no idea where Lavender actually came into the mix when I was writing this seeing as I was wondering about her in a whimsical sort of way and I found myself writing about a character that I absolutely loathe. I've decided that maybe JK didn't give her enough credit so here I am doing it instead.
I think I've left Paul as quite the anomaly seeing as, apart from the death of his family, we really don't know much about his history at all. This is in his POV and he doesn't want to talk about himself or what's happened to him, he's so ridiculously selfless that I just didn't seem to feel it necessary to include much.
Yes, it was meant to be jumpy in that way to help with the different order you could read this in. You're also the only person who caught on to that, too, so well done. :D
Thanks for reviewing and for all your lovely compliments!
xxx Report Review
Hello there. Here with your review request.
I did actually kind of 'feel' it. The time jumps are a bit jarring and I had to re-read it once or twice to make sure I was getting everything chronologically in my head. Technically, it's incredibly written and every line of pain and angst is compounded by your repetition. It's as if you're pounding this sadness into us and I genuinely felt a bit morose by the end of the story. There were no grammar or misspells from what I could see and, honestly, I don't think you need to worry about your style. It's great.
The only thing I have to counter with is that you could do a bit more in your pleasant parts. I understand you wanted to convey a sense of hope at the end of the story, but the painful and angsty parts were so well done that I couldn't feel that hope. Maybe play up and find a way to make the reader feel a bit more alive during the hopeful parts as well so you can really have that sense of retribution at the end. I feel as if you underplayed the good parts and really pounded us with the sadness.
My only other minor squabble is that you should probably capitalize your story titles and chapters, but that's just me! Great writing and feel free to request again from me.Author's Response: Hullo!
I'm so glad you liked it enough to review - that's always an up, haha.
As for the grammar/spelling mistakes - you should thank my brilliant beta for that since she ironed it all out fantastically!
Its actually the first time I've dealt with non-linear chronology so I was a bit nervous about writing it in that way, but this wrote itself and I liked it the way it was. I'm glad you got round to it and enjoyed it enough.
I understand your point about the happy moments, mostly I was trying to keep them sort of short and small seeing as I thought that all those moments would flicker brightly enough because of all the hardships in between them. I'll look over that again and see if I can try and make them more poignant. :)
Thanks for all your help and your compliments - they've been brilliant!
xxx Report Review
Hey. SamMalfoy93 here. :)
Wow. Just wow. Hope was a great emotion to define your character (...Well, I assume it was hope. :P). I really got a feel for this Paul, like I was there and it was sad and then happy then hopeful. And I love that it wasn't in chronological order.
This was excellent. Thank you for participating in this challenge. :)
Sam.Author's Response: Hiya!
Yes, it was hope, haha. I'm glad you liked it! I think it was all the memories together that made the person who he was and who he made them with. This really wrote itself so I was a bit surprised with all the events. (':
Good luck with choosing your winners! :)
xx Report Review
Greetings from (one of) your Challenge-masters :)
This is a fantastic story. When I gave you Paul Heyer as a character, I did not imagine this through any stretch of the imagination.
The emotion in every word is just brilliant, and I love Paul's relationship with Lavender, and how you've made her into a totally new person.
The way you've structured this was complicated and difficult, but as soon as I worked it out, it really emphasised the differences between the times it was written.
A beautifully written, very strong, amazing piece :DAuthor's Response: Hiya!
This one-shot really did write itself - I hardly knew what I was going to write for the challenge except for the fact that I knew I needed to do something that was in Hogwarts, because of the plot point. The Battle just weaved itself in there and so did Lavender and Paul's relationship. :)
I'm glad that you got the hang of reading it - I was a bit worried about the non-linear timeframe, but I was hoping that they'd fit together somehow seeing as they aren't too far apart once you get to the middle of it.
Thanks for all your compliments and good luck on deciding the winners! :D
xx Report Review
Hiya! It's Livingfairytale from the forums with your requested review. Let's get started!
First of all, I must admit I've never read a Lavender story before, maybe it's because of my dislike for the character, but well.. I can't help but liking this one-shot very, very much! It was intriguing, thrilling and amazing to read. It's always good to read a story from a minor character. I also liked your OC, he was very believable.
The way you used descriptions- it was magnificent. I could almost feel her pain, it was really sad. The flow of the story was really good. I didn't feel like you rushed it; not at all, it feels to me like you took the time to write every little scene properly.
Overall, an amazing one-shot. I've never read anything like this before, and I absolutely loved it! Well done.
x LivingfairytaleAuthor's Response: Hello! :)
Want to know a secret? I despised Lavender throughout every book. :P I'm not exactly sure how my character even came to know Lavender and how the reasons why she was the way she was in Hogwarts came from - this one-shot really did write itself and now I find that I love Post-Hogwarts Lavender. :D
I'm glad that I could make you change your opinion on her and that you think I made this believable!
Thank you so much for your kind review - it helped. :)
xx Report Review
Ooh, this was really beautiful one-shot! Gorgeous!
I enjoyed reading it a lot, your writing was brilliant, making it feel very alive.
Loved your characters, loved your descriptions, loved the whole idea of this story. You've done such an awesome work here, with everything really. It was so sad, yet so full of hope. I really liked this.
Keep up the good work, and good luck with your challenges!
~EleniaAuthor's Response: Aw, thank you! I'm glad you liked it so much. :)
& thanks for the luck, too!
xx Report Review
Wow. Just wow. This was awesome. It was such an original story and I've never read a Lavender/OC either.
It was such a realistic story, I love your OC :)
I didn't pick up any grammatical errors either which was good :) Good luck with all your challenges :D
JazAuthor's Response: Aw, thank you!
I'm glad you liked it so much. :) I never really thought of Lavender/OC either, to be honest, but this story really wrote itself and it felt right to me!
Thank you, I'm glad that you did & thanks again for the luck!
xx Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection