Hi there! VioletBlade here with your long, long overdue request for a review! Every time I thought about catching up on my review thread, something would always come up! But anyway, better late than never, eh?
I am assuming that you have an element of AU to this, just in the fact of the way Scrimegeour was dead long before in the books, but in your plot, it is sort of necessary, right? I don't usually read AU stories… I like to stick to canon in most cases, but your story was definitely intriguing! I like all those science-y type stories where something's going wrong, that is definitely up my reading alley! ;) I do think this chapter flowed nicely, although it did end a bit abruptly I thought. It did keep me intrigued... magic going wonky, Hagrid losing his magic altogether, magical creatures suddenly dying... it’s definitely enough to keep one's interest in reading going! :) I’m definitely seeing the connections, if that's what you meant by writing the chapter coherently. Go on and PM me if that’s not what you were after! I'd love to clear it up for you if I can! :D
I think you’ve hit the nail on the head when it comes to having characterized the Trio! I especially love Hermione, it can be difficult for some writers to portray her properly, but I believe she is one of your strengths throughout this story so far. It’s perfect the way she stands up haughtily to Parvati about House Elf rights! :)
Someone who I do think could use some work is McGonagall. At least in this chapter, she reveals too much about what’s going on with the staff and Professor McGonagall from canon would never do that much. She would have apologized for being late, however, so that was good!
"She refused to comment at this period in time." This sentence is a bit confusing. Here I would go with "She refuses to comment at this time."
"Scrimgeour was not at an age to die naturally, neither did he have any outstanding health deficiencies to falter his state." Instead of using the last three words, I would use something like, "that would account for an untimely death."
"Like I said, the charms that are placed on the labels are complex to be broken. I doubt it was a joke..." reminded Hermione. This is just missing a "to" between "are" and "complex". :)
Lavender Brown was showing her copy of Witch Weekly to the class when the trio arrived in the corridor, and peered over Dean's shoulder to see what she was showing them. Here it’s confusing who is looking over Dean's shoulder. I would clarify that! (:
"What do you mean, Miss?" asked Seamus. Here it would be better for him to say Professor.
Anyway, everything else looked great! This is a great start to the story and thanks for requesting from me! :) (Even if it is months overdue!)
~VioletBlade Report Review
Excellent fic. I love seeing Voldemort stumped. This is one of the most exciting fics I've ever read. I really hope there is a lot more to come. Can't wait for you to update it.Author's Response: Thanks for all your reviews on my chapters! Really glad you're enjoying the story, means a lot that you're liking it! I haven't been writing for a while, but I have a lot of free time coming up, so there should be a new chapter up within a few weeks!
Thanks again! :) Report Review
Poor Dobby. And Winky. And Sprout. She'd be absolutely mortified. This is really really good. Report Review
I like it. its nice and dark. Can't wait to continue on. Report Review
Oooo, nice work. A strangely fitting end for Ollivander. I'm really curious as to the cause of all of this. Report Review
Another crakcer. It's certainly a unique idea, and seems quite weel thought out and executed thus far. Report Review
Very interesting beginning. Looks like it's shaping up to be quite a good fic. Report Review
Alright, so this is where things get a bit...confusing. You're doing your own AU in a way...and you mention that there are still people that don't believe Harry, who is on his 6th year. Did the battle of the Ministry not happen? Sirius' death? The Minister and Aurors not see Voldemort and then proclaimed that what Harry and Dumbledore were saying was true.
Things that we expect to be 'true', like Harry's word by his 6th year are different in your story. You, as the author, need to guide the reader here and let them know that what is going on. You have great narrative and characterization, but you need to work on details.
Characterization: Once again, I think you did a fantastic job at this. The only 'bad' thing I noticed was that Tonks said 'Voldemort' which I THINK she refuses to say, just like everyone else. I could be wrong since it has been a while...but yeah.
Your excellent flow you had was broken when you had "They licked his body; obscuring his vision but wait…he caught sight..." the 'but wait' felt out of place since we're not inside Harry's head.
Overall, this is VERY interesting. Really wish to know where this goes. I do suggest, though, that you fix the problems you have with your chapters whenever you have time.
Feel free to re-request once I'm open.
--Perelandra Report Review
Hey! Perelandra here with your review. Better late than never, no? :)
Grammar, Punctuation and Formatting:
I spotted a few errors with your punctuation, specially commas. For example, when Ron's talking about Slughorn he says "“Well connected bloke eh?" There should be a comma after 'bloke'. Same goes when Slughorn says "such a terrible terrible shame…”" there should be a comma between the two terribles.
When it comes to formatting I spotted where the paragraph begins "The staff table was equally as subdued,"...you need a line separating.
Same goes when it reads "everyone turned to look at her. Parvati rolled her eyes and said,
“Here we go; " that should be part of the sentence above, not a paragraph of its own.
I think that's just a transfer/uploading issue so no biggie. Just wanted to point it out.
Towards the end, where it reads "A blew light shot"...you mean, 'blue light', right?
You really need to work on your formatting and punctuation.
Characterization I didn't spot anything wrong. In fact, I really enjoyed reading the trio and staff in character rather than OC. Great job on that regard.
Plot: I can't really say much considering that this is just the first chapter, so we'll get back to this.
On with the second chapter!Author's Response: Bit of a late response to your review, but better late than never, no? ;D
Let's start off with the positives! I'm glad you enjoyed reading the characterisation as I often worry about if the characters are coming across believably or not, so it's comforting to hear that it's working in that sense!
With the grammar, etc. thanks for pointing out the issues! Being an English student, I'm normally really nit-picky about stuff like that and I'm actually surprised I didn't find it myself (absoloutely kicking myself over the whole blew/blue thing there!) But at least I know now, and I can change it, so thank you for that!
I guess it'll teach me to read over my writing more often/carefully next time!
Thanks for taking the time to review, much appreciate! :) Report Review
This was quite the start to a story. I really liked how it introduced an entire array of things that had gone wrong that day, like Scrimgeour dying and potion ingredients being out of date and Hippogriffs dying…It really drew my attention in and made me curious as to what was going on. I also loved the concept of work experience thing. It would give the kids a good opportunity to learn about a job they think is interesting to see if it truly was something they wanted to do. Really an awesome idea of something to throw in.
The characters seem pretty well characterized too. I think there is a bit of an edge of OOC-ness just in the way they [meaning Ron, Hermione and Ron] talked and interacted with each other, but it’s hard to tell as I’ve just read the first chapter. And it’s not guaranteed to be totally in character, but even with that slight concern, I got a good feel of your characters. [I’m also pretty sure it’ll get better as I read more chapters. First chapters are always difficult to judge it off of].
The action scenes looked fine to me. They explain what’s going on and I can see all of it happening in my head, so I have no complaints there. Along with the action, the plot looked pretty good. There was a lot going on with everything going wrong, as I’m sure that has something to do with the central plot, but I do believe this is a really good introduction. I can’t wait to see where the work experience thing is going too…
A couple grammar, nitpicky things and then I’ll be done:
“You-Know-Who would gladly do-in any of the Ministry workers, but our inside sources that there were no plans for the assassination of Rufus Scrimgeour…” –“but our inside sources tell us that…” you’re missing a couple words in the original, which made it sort of a confusing sentence.
“Harry, Ron and Hermione all got up, pulling their bags over their shoulders as they followed the crowd out of the hall.” –I think it’s the organization of this sentence which is a bit confusing…. Maybe ‘…all got up and pulled their bags over their shoulders as…”?
“He held a silent and even bored looked on his face as Slughorn patted away the final drops of wetness in his eyes.” –It should be look, not looked.
Other than those few things I mentioned, this was really a good start. I am curious to see what happens next…so great job!
[PS sorry this was slow coming! Exams are driving me crazy xD]
~GrimmerzAuthor's Response: Apologies for the late review response, but alas, it's here now!
I'm really pleased you're finding the whole concept of it interesting, all the plot features I'm putting in there e.g Scrimgeour, work-experience etc. I wanted to do something a bit different so I'm grateful that the 'difference' of the story beginning as a whole is noticeable.
With characterisation, again, pleased it's coming across fine to you. Some reviews have told me they love the trio interactions and others have said what you have said, about the slight OOC'ness of it. Thanks for bringing it to my attention and I'll pay more attention in the future when writing dialogue/interactional scenes with them.
Appreciate you pointing out my little mistakes there, definitely small things that can be ammended simply by me reading through my work in detail after I've finished writing, (which I don't actually do that often...only look for glaring outstanding mistakes!) So yeah, you've taught me a lesson there!
Thanks for the review and I'm glad you enjoyed this chapter! :) Report Review
Hey there GillyweedFan. Your first review in the Ravenclaw review battle? Welcome :)
I've never seen anything quite like this before. I've read a few fics where the premise was that magic was dying out, but never quite like this, and the whole series of strange events happening actually reminds me of the beginning of PS where Dursleys noticing all these slightly strange things and not paying much attention to it. I don't know whether it was your intention to have that sort of similarity, but I really liked it. Although saying that I do think Hermione - being so bright - would be more concerned about all these little things than she is. It's true that Harry is sometimes more perceptive about these little things - like with Hagrid and the flute in PS - but I still thought Hermione would be a bit more concerned.
Overall though, I thought the characterisation of the trio was pretty good - and it always astounds me when people are able to take on the trio like this, because every time I think about writing them I flail around a bit before giving up - so yeah, the banter between them was quite nice all the way through and there were loads of lovely connections like with Slughorn being sad due to how well connected he is,and then the magical ingredients going off and the brooms not working - all of those things were really unique and special. One thing I would say about Slughorn is that there was one line which I didn't like very much - dialogue. I think when he said 'righty-o' or something similar it just didn't feel very /slughorn/ to me.
The only other thing I can think of to say is where you started a paragraph with this sentence here So they finished their lunch quicker then perhaps they would have liked... I thought it would have been better just to get rid of the so, or connect it to the previous paragraph a little more. I just thought it felt smoother without the so.
But, really, I thought it was a lovely start to a story and I'm really intrigued as to how it pans out :)
~ACAuthor's Response: Hey there! (Sorry for the LATE review response, had a large absence, better late than never though right?)
It seems like you're enjoying it, and I'm glad you like the characterisationl; it's a narrative technique that I really like to focus on when writing, so it's pleasing to hear it's coming along well!
Thanks for pointing out the point about the whole 'so' thing, I know that sometimes plot and structure is where I need a bit of work on in my writing sometimes, so yeah, always appreciate the help!
Once again, thanks for taking the time to review this chapter! Report Review
thanks for keeping the banner potter. appreciate it Report Review
This is so unbelievably original and you've played it off so well that it seems believable. I sobbed when Dobby died and every time a new thing dies I feel my stomach sink. A world without magic is looming and I dread it, please keep me posted on this story (I NEED to know what happens!) I meant to review every chapter but I forgot, sorry :/ Everyone is so in character, except be careful with McGonagall because she said 'ok' or something and it just sounded a tiny bit OOC, but I'm just nitpicking because I can't think of any critique. It flows well and has a great plot, careful not to rush things in-describe a little more maybe? Overall I just really liked this, I want to know the ending! :DAuthor's Response: Ah thank you so much for this review Siriusly! It's brightened my day :) I'm glad you're really getting into it and everything's playing out well for you!
Thanks for the small tips about McGonagall etc, that was helpful, I understand :D I know aswell I need to try not to rush things, people have told me that before so I'm going to try and alter that in the next chapter!
Thank you again, and I definitely will keep you updated as I update this story! :D Report Review
I invite you to read The Potter Years Report Review
Here I am with your requested reviews
I really do like this story as whilst it seems to be a little bit Au (cause we know Scrumingeor is killed by death eaters in the war) it still seems to be an unexplored area of fanfiction and I can see that you've written this exceptionally well!
The concept is also very different with the idea of the magical world coming to a standstill by including the different events that have happened too you really get across the idea of destruction which I think you were trying to convey.
I think your main problem at the moment is the pace is a little fast but that can easily be rectified so I wouldn't worry about it. Just adding in a little more description (I know visual is a little difficult, maybe try to descibe some of the other senses such as smell? And I think that would enhance the quality of the story by giving us more information but also slowing the pace down!
All in all a nice chapter!Author's Response: Thank you very much Ginerva. I guess I never looked at it like an AU, but I can see where you're coming from!
I'm very glad the concept is working, for you, and others and has been put across in an effective way...
I can definitely understand where you're coming from with your last point. I sometimes lack the ability to piece events together, especially with description and end up using only Sound or Sight a lot of the time! Thanks for alerting me to it!
Thank you for taking the time to review! :D Report Review
Hello! I am very happy I stumbled upon your story today, as the whole concept behind it is very interesting! All of your characters are fairly true to the books, so keep up the good work!Author's Response: Hey!
Thank you very much, I'm glad that my characterization is coming through strong and the concept is working for you! It's nice to hear it!:D Hope you stay tuned for more chapters! Report Review
this sounds really interesting! Keep going!! I want to see what happens!Author's Response: Thank you very much! Fear not, I have the next two chapters typed up and ready to post! Report Review
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