Hey there! Its AC here reviewing for the improvement challenge!
So, let's start with the beginning. I thought the first sentence you had was really gripping and interesting, except that last bit. I just felt you should have stopped at 'shatters' because the 'with a thundering sound' seemed to make the sentence seem long winded. Or, alternatively, take out the 'fantastically brilliantly foolproof' - I liked both, but having it all in the same sentence was just...overkill. But, I really liked that whole paragraph. Lots of showing not telling.
I found the second paragraph was quite complicated. I mean, I really like complicated, but there's a like. Take That's just a father's story, that's just Ron Weasley and his daughter's story - I felt like it would be slicker as That's just a father's story: Ron Weasley and his daughter . Sometimes its easier for a reader for information to be presented without the extra embellishments? Not always, mind, but in that case I thought the repetition of 'that's just' didn't work.
But, overall that bit does have such a lovely tone to it which I really liked. An almost poetic, retrospective fatherly note to it - yeah, I like that.
In the January 2026 section it felt to me that the dialogue was a little clumsy. I liked the inclusion of the sort of in-jokes, "You sound Irish, you sound American..." which gives your Rose and Scorpius depth, but at the same time it made me feel a bit distant from them. Also, the "and I thought something much more' she mumbles to herself" just didn't feel really real... If I was in Roses's shoes and I'd thought someone was about to propose to me and then didn't I definitely wouldn't say anything out loud and if I did it would probably be loud and accidental. Plus, if they're standing pretty close together (which they probably would be, given they're all cute and coupley), he'd definitely hear her and call her up on it.
I just didn't think Roses's reactions quite matched up to the situation at hand. The "I don't know what I'd do if you asked me" is a really coy and interesting line, and I want you to explain exactly why she says it. Because she's hinting things? Because she's putting feelers out to see how he reacts to the prospect of a proposal (as he put it in her mind by getting down on one knee)? In the same kind of vein I wanted you to connect more with the characters. You have all this lovely description for physical things and I want more about how the characters are as people - how they think, feel, react to things.
Okay, up to that point I was reviewing whilst reading and now I've reached the end. I stand by my earlier statement - sometimes your dialogue gets a bit muddled and difficult to understand. I think of you read it out loud or try and hear your characters speaking in your head then you'll be able to deliver much crisper more realistic dialogue. Listen to how people speak - most of the time we sound awful moronic, I've got to say. But, because of the dialogue some of the scenes felt a little confusing me - the June 4th 2025 especially. That one really through me off.
Structurally, I thought what you did worked really well for the general effect of the one shot. With the idea of a relationship that was beautiful crumbling - that this is what Rose had pinned her hopes on and then here it comes, tumbling down. And generally I really like the tone of you writing - it comes across as smooth, for the most part, and has a poetic floaty edge to it that I really enjoy (although you lose that through the dialogue, I think).
Oh, just as a note, are the last two sections supposed to be entirely in italics? I thought perhaps not and the coding just went wrong, or else I couldn't think of any reason why it should be in italics. You might want to fix that up, because it was a bit distracting.
Overall, I really liked this. I liked the disintegration of the relationship and the way it seems almost inevitably for it to crumble, I like the way you write and I really enjoyed it. The name of the game is improvement, though, so. First off what I think you should look at is the dialogue - making it smooth, clear, realistic and easy to understand. Secondly would be human reactions - study people and how they are and how they think and how they react to things. Finally, and this relates to the last one, think about fleshing out your characters and scenes more. Make sure that I can see the image just as clearly as you can, that I understand Rose as much as you do and that I'm half routing for their relationship and half despairing of it just like you.
I really enjoyed reading this and I'm looking forwards to your second piece. Thanks for entering my challenge and I hope you found this helpful :)
-AC Report Review
Oh, that's so sad! I'm a total Scorrose shipper, and I really feel for Scorpius, even though he's a prick at times. Poor Rose. :/Author's Response: Actually poor everyone.
Thank you for the review! :) Report Review
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